I have had this blog entry about half done for about a month and I was missing some key points to it. So would open it up and work on it when things came to me. But one other thing that was missing was the title. This post is about consent, but at the same time the things I am writing about is about those that seem to inadvertently try to rule the world and not just their submissive. I am going to date myself because as soon as that came to me - Tears for Fears song came to mind.
It is amazing to me that as a whole the BDSM community talks about consent yet at the same time does so many things that aren't consensual. It often comes in forms of d-type's making their s-type submit and ends up inadvertently placing those outside the dynamic in a situation where they have to follow along/submit/obey or ignore it completely - which is what I usually do when those kind of things come up. I don't think that many d-types are really trying to rule the world, but with all the rules and protocols they make to follow - it can get a little tricky navigating.
Here are a few things that are often mistaken as fact instead of actually being myths because they put people in a non-consensual situation where they don't want to follow along.
* You are Submissive so Submit to EVERYONE! - First there is a good article and image by Mia over on FetLife using the saying, "Submissive, but not YOUR submissive" so go check that out. Many years ago, I was at a friend's collaring ceremony and one of the dominants at the party told me to go do something. He didn't ask me if I would, he told me to do this task because I was submissive. He felt he was in the right because he is dominant and I am submissive so of course I should submit to him. Which of course isn't true - that is just what he felt. My friend was standing nearby and overheard it. She looked at him and said, "Did you lose your manners to order a submissive around when she isn't your submissive?" He got all flustered and acted like I had misunderstood him. Over the years unfortunately situations like that have happened more then I care to remember - it happened more when I was single and it is hard for me to understand why someone thinks I am just going to submit to
them without knowing them and...oh yeah consenting to it. I politely
remind those that think because I am submissive means I will submit to everyone
- that I am not their submissive and I don't consent. Now as an owned slave, I only follow the
orders of one man. So this is my words of wisdom for d-types - check
your ego at the door
and remember to use old fashion manners when speaking to anyone -
submissive or not - it doesn't matter. In ordering a submissive around
that isn't your submissive - you aren't acting consensually. Please try to remember that.
* Dominating my Submissive and the Whole World needs to Obey too - I think sometimes people don't realize that orders they give often aren't just making their submissive submit, but making all of us submit without consent. Years and years ago before I was Master's slave, I was at a 2 day meeting/class
for submissives. On the second day, we all arrived, sat down, one of
the submissives pulled off her shirt and bra, and sat there. The
facilitator, asked why she was doing that. The submissive had been ordered by
her dominant to sit topless at this class. Now these meetings were
totally non-sexual. They were about service and just the mindset of
submitting. No BDSM play was involved and nothing sexual was
hardly even talked about it because it was more about the dynamics and the mindset
within the dynamic - so that was highly inappropriate for the setting. This submissive's dominant took it upon himself to make us all submit to his kink by making his submissive go topless at the class. The facilitator luckily helped the submissive to see that - how her dominant was making us all submit to his desires even though he didn't have our consent, how
inappropriate it was for that setting, and that there is a time and place for everything - so submissive put her bra and top on.
Another example that we all see happen on profiles on FetLife and Collarme or back in the old days on Bondage.com or even AOL profiles. They say "Write or talk my dominant before writing/talking to me" or from dominants profiles "When writing me address me as Sir..." - that is your kink and you are trying to order me to follow your rule. I am sorry I don't consent to that - you didn't ask me if it was okay. You just put it out there as a rule and you think I am suppose to follow even though again I am not your submissive. I don't submit to everyone - I submit to Master. I know d-types are meaning to dominate their submissive when making such a rule, but please think about if the rule is doing that or are you, by accident, making others consent to it too. Do you really want everyone out there to submit to you without asking? Because again...that is not consensual. If you really want control over who emails your submissive, then read the submissive's emails. Put it in the profile of the submissive "my dominants will read my emails." Then it is the choice of the person emailing if they want to or not and you are putting the rule on your submissive and not on everyone else. Again think about who the rule controls....your submissive or the rest of us.
* Permission, Rules and Protocol are the same for Everyone - Of course that isn't true. There is no universal protocols in BDSM. Are there things that are common throughout - sure, but even those can have exceptions. Such as it is fairly common that people under the BDSM umbrella use safewords, except for some of us don't. Master and I don't. I don' t have a safeword. If I feel sick or a cuff is too tight, I just let Master know. Another common one is that there is no talking or interupting scenes in dungeons, except when you are getting a bunch of people together to specifically be in on the scene. Such as many people getting together to piss on one or multiple bottoms. So there are things that are common, but do know there is always exceptions. We are all different. Every relationship has a different set of rules, protocols and things that require permission so don't expect us all to act alike.
Recently I asked a friend if I could post an essay she wrote on our website and instead of going to her Master and asking him - I asked her. I know she knows her rules and if she needs permission from him that she would ask him - which she did. Because ultimately I am not responsible for knowing her rules, protocols or things that require permission or any other s-type's - I am responsible for following my Master's. So if you need permission to go to lunch, make plans, send a package, open a package, have chocolate that I mailed to you, or so on or so forth - those are your responsibility and not mine. You know your rules and I shouldn't be held to following them because again ultimately I don't consent to your rules - just Master's. Just as you don't consent to mine.
* Making the world call you Sir or Ma`am - I already posted about this. A d-type making all s-types call them Sir or Ma`am without asking is not acting consensually. S-types calling all d-types Sir or Ma'am isn't consensual either. Read the linked post to find out why this is just not cool.
* Pushing our Kink on the World - When Master and I are in public, we have protocols that are very subtle and not hardly noticed by even those in the BDSM community. Anything that would be more intrusive into someone's space or around vanillas, we wouldn't do because we don't want to push our kink on them without asking if they are okay with it. There are some areas that displaying our kinks out in the open is fine - such as at a BDSM event such as Thunder. When you walk into the dungeon you know you are going to see lots of people's kinks on display. If something makes you uncomfortable - walk away. But lets say we are in a vanilla setting and Mistress So and So comes walking into our little coffee shop where BDSM group discussions are at - she has her human pet on a leash and they are all decked out in fetish wear. At that point you are putting your kink on to every person in that coffee shop. You are making them consent to something they didn't realize they would be seeing. That isn't cool.
I think we all tend to think at times that it is okay and no a big deal to put some of our protocols, rule and things that require permission out there in the world because we really don't look at the bigger picture of how it makes others submit to it instead of just the one in service. But the whole point is we do - we all too often make people consent to our kinks without realizing it. So please before you make a rule think about who you are really making submit to that...is it your submissive? Or is it the rest of us?