danae

Sex in all Forms

2012-02-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

"Sex is also flirting, fingers, kissing, toys, saucy text messages, laying on your lawn with your lover and looking at the stars... sex is a way of being and living... which sex acts you choose to engage in and how your body responds... now that should can be as vast as the population on earth." ~ Ducky Doolittle

The quote is from an interview q&a on Eden Fantasys with Ducky Doolittle. I love it because that has been my thought on sex too. To me sexual acts can happen from erotic and intimate moments that you don't expect - even without touching sexual bits or having penetration. Just like Ducky Doolittle says from "laying on your lawn with your lover and looking at the stars" - I can see that being sexual. When I was high school, the first boy I really loved - we laid on a platform of a school playground equipment looking at the stars. Our bodies close, holding hands, passionate kisses and it did feel like sex to me. It was very intimate and erotic - my body and mind responding.

The quote is an answer to the question of what is her most frequent question she gets when teaching and it is from straight women asking how to orgasm from penetration. From Ducky Doolittle's answer - it seems most women don't view having an orgasm another way as "real sex."

When I lived in Cleveland, I met a young woman who was in her early 20's. She said she was a virgin but in talking with her I realized she wasn't in my terms. She had oral, anal, fingers, adult toys and other mutual satisfying sexual acts with her boyfriend but just not vaginal so that she would be a "virgin" on her wedding day. I asked her if she really felt she was a virgin even though she had done all those sex acts. She said "those aren't sex" - I know the look on my face showed my surprise. I couldn't believe someone was telling me about all these intimate, erotic times where she had mutual pleasure with her partner but they weren't sex? Honestly, I told her that I felt she wasn't a virgin even if she hadn't had vaginal sex.

After meeting her, I did some internet surfing research to find many young women do this and consider themselves not really having sex because they haven't had vaginal intercourse. They don't view having a cock stuck up their ass as sex. Really? I just don't get that. I don't how that isn't sex.

I guess I feel from what that young woman told me and the young women I read about were saying that because that is what they wanted to hear and believe. These girls have to convince themselves they are virgins for their wedding night even though - they have done everything else sexual under the sun, moon and stars. I find that sad. I find it sad they can't just admit they wanted to have sex - so they did and enjoyed it.

How about Bill Clinton saying he didn't have sex? I mean that was HUGE scandal to something that was sex. He had sex - a blow job is sex. But I think we are so stuck on how we want others to perceive us that we don't admit the truth. He couldn't say he had sex because well that would be "bad" that he had an affair. Those young women couldn't admit they had sex because then they wouldn't be virgins for the wedding night. Are we too uptight about sex? Are we too concerned with what sex shows about us? I mean do we as a society view sex as a bad thing? I am not sure I have an accurate view on it as I have a blog that talks about sexual things - so maybe I am the wrong person to be asking as I am very open about sex.

I guess I just view that we kind of get worked up about sex in ways that ultimately lead to unrealistic and unhealthy views of sex.

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

I Heart Rope

2012-01-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Sexis column by Mollena over on Eden Fantasys titled Got Rope? When I first was tied up, it was just a very crude way, neckties from my high school boyfriend's closet that he ended up ruining from how he tied me. But I still remember those feelings associated with it - the feelings of him wrapping them around me, how his hands touched me as tied me up, the feeling of them cutting into the flesh and that I wasn't able to move/escape and was there for him to do what he wanted. It made me feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed but that in turn made me feel very sexy and extremely turned on.

Oddly enough I haven't been with people who enjoy rope bondage all that much. I have been tied up by a few Dominants that did enjoy rope but they weren't my regular partner and for me it feels different to me. There is a different connection. Master enjoys bondage in the form of restraints such as cuffs, chain, duct tape but not really rope bondage. But one year at Thunder in the Mountain I begged him to go to a rope bondage intro class. He said yes. The class inspired him! Yeah for me!

It inspired him so much that immediately after the class, we headed to the vendors and Master bought rope. He actually had gotten some rope before the class as he did think of putting me in a harness for the evening. After the class though, he decided he not only wanted a more intensive harness, but the bondage to go down my arms.I remember I very scared about what Master had wear to the dungeon - basically sexy lingerie: a corset top, satin panties, thigh highs and heels. After we got to the dungeon, Master did a body harness on me. From the neck of the body harness he did bondage down each arm. It was really nice. It was nice to feel it go on - feel Master put it on. To feel his hands and see his eyes on my body as he put the rope on me. It just felt completely different energy then it is when it is just someone casual. He then gagged me, collared and leashed me and we walked around watching various scenes going on. I felt very much like a pretty package wrapped up on display for his pleasure. I felt more sexy in the rope then anything I had been in that weekend - even though I was still self-conscious. It felt good against my skin and it felt good knowing Master enjoyed having me that way. Rope bondage made that weekend so very special - giving me amazing memories.

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Guilt

2012-01-25T23:29:00.001-07:00

There is a post over on FetLife about someone's Dominant starting to feel guilty about the SM they engage in. Even though they have always included some form of SM. It was escalating lately though so he was feeling guilty. I am paraphrasing of course.

I could totally relate to the situation because my ex-husband became the same way. We had some kink in our sex lives almost always. I mean from the first time I had consensual sex - I was tied up and spanked. So I liked it that way. He was virgin when I started having sex with him and I told him things I liked. He instantly took to it and ramped it up at times too without me even saying or needing to say. He enjoyed it just as much as I did. We had what I call rough sex - really hard grabbing that sometimes ended up with bruises and very sore. He also spanked me, held me down, tied to the bed or wrists tied, engaged in breath play, slapped and spit on me, grabbed and squeezed my breasts hard enough to leave bruises and make me scream, nipples really tormented - all those things in our sex life.

He would at times call me from work and tell me to be waiting for him on the bed, on me hands and knees naked or in certain lingerie and not to speak or acknowledge his presence - just kneel there until he told me I could make speak. He was also at times very tender and doing missionary sex with me. It just his mood at the time. But he enjoyed the kink. He enjoyed having power over me sexually.

Eventually I found out there was a name for what we engaged in - BDSM and sadomasochism. We started including it even more after that - ramping it up even. But really it was as soon as we gave it a name was when he started feeling guilty. He started feeling like we were "wrong" for playing in such a way. We were deviants for engaging in this type of sex play. He ended up telling me I was a freak for wanting to be treated that way. He called me a freak enough that it - damaged our relationship. I tried to explain to him - that nothing between consenting adults should make us feel guilty or makes us freaks. It makes us knowing what we like and having fun in the bedroom.

At one point towards the end of our relationship my husband outed me to his parents - about liking BDSM. I was of course embarrassed at that time but later after I divorced him I was back in town and had lunch with his mother. I asked her if she had questions about what my ex had told her and she said no that she felt that anything done between consenting adults was fine. I said " I wish your son would have had the same view." She actually felt bad - like she had given him a view that enjoying sex was wrong. She couldn't figure out where her and her husband would have given him that view though but still felt like she did something wrong.

My ex was not Catholic but he had Catholic guilt on so many things - sex though was one of the number one things that caused guilt from the first moments of our relationship. He felt I wanted sex too much - that it wasn't normal to want sex so much. He wanted to us to be a normal couple. It was like he felt that everyone could see this big scarlet F for FREAKY in BEDROOM on his forehead. He acted like someone was going to find out we were "deviants" in the bedroom. I kept telling him - I am fine with what you do to me. I enjoy it. I explained how hard he got and how wet I got so that meant that we enjoyed it and what was wrong between 2 consenting adults having fun. I told him no one knows what we do in our bedroom it doesn't matter that we have kinky sex.

But he just couldn't get past it. He kept up with that it was wrong. So we would go into these periods where it was just straight sex- no kink thrown in - just blowjobs, doggie style, missionary and anal. All those were normal apparently to him. But anything else added in was wrong. We would do that for a while and then - all of sudden he would throw some kink in and we would go on a binge of kink and he would then get a big new batch of guilt so it stopped.

I couldn't understand what was fine before we had a name for it was suddenly wrong. I couldn't say anything to him to help him with the guilt. I listened, I tried to reassure him that I was fine and that our relationship was good and this just added to it - like sprinkles on a cake making just even better, I tried to assure him no one knew but us, I tried to assure him what went on between 2 consenting adult was perfectly normal but nothing I said could help him overcome his guilt.

I am very thankful I am now with someone who doesn't view our sex life as bad. Master likes that we are kinky. He is fine with saying we are freaks but it isn't in a shameful or damaging way - it is a good thing. As I said in a post lately - yay for twisted love!

Meeting Teacup

2012-01-16T21:10:00.001-07:00

It is kind of odd how things have kind of happened with teacup. It just feels so right and natural. From the first exchanges to all the moments to now....all have felt right which I know sounds so cliche but it is true. Before we left for Christmas vacation, I did a post saying I was excited about poly and all these things are odd because in the time we have been exploring poly - it just hasn't happened that way. We have had some things that were nice, felt good, but nothing was really what I would call right to me.

Our initial travel plans to visit my family for Christmas - we discussed flying but as I started checking and watching plane prices go up and up. We realized it was going out of our range so we decided to do a road trip. We love road trips but doing a road trip gave us another thing to look forward too also - and that was we could actually take time to meet teacup. Our initial plans had been to have our first meeting in the new year but meeting her sooner worked for all of us - as we were all excited to meet!

Because it happened fast and some work plans got thrown in the mix Master and I didn't really have a chance to sit down before we went on our road trip to talk about expectations of a first meeting or those of teacups to make sure we were all on the same page. We kind of had to do it in parts along the way. At least the road always allows for Master and I to have good talks. Master had teacup write out her expectations so we could discuss those and then unfortunately not all 3 of us could talk about it at the same time but he was going to be able to talk to teacup about our talks.

I am a person that at times has to talk about something - the same thing over and over and over and over - rehashing because maybe something isn't being expressed. I mean it all might sound good in words on the outside but sometimes on the inside my anxieties, insecurities or emotions might be a little off balanced and need some work so saying the same things out-loud over and over and over will help me sort out the inside junk. Also at times I need to say the same thing over and over and over again because there is that stuff inside that needs to come out and be expressed but I am either having problems expressing it or just even recognizing it in the first place so rehashing the same thing over and over and over helps me recognize and express what is going on inside. I can tell you because of the rush of work, getting things ready for our trip, the time with family and such - I didn't get to rehash things like I needed so some things got glossed over without recognizing some expectations I had going on that I didn't see upfront.

But overall we did exceptionally well. Really now several weeks later - looking at it I am amazed that without all the things we didn't talk about - that it did go as smooth for a first meeting such as it.

So....our meeting....

Teacup arrived at our designated meeting place - the hotel parking lot - before us. When we pulled in, Master said right away he saw her sitting in her car, really I was nervous but not as nervous as I thought I would be. We parked next to her and all got out and did hugs. My first thoughts were how pretty teacup is - beautiful eyes that sparkle when she smiles. We decided on a place to go to lunch and just get some of the nerves out of the way.

Teacup ordered soup. I had so wanted to order soup too but my first thought was I would spill it on myself and I didn't want to do that when I am just meeting her for the first time. After she ordered she expressed the same, concern out-loud. I had already ordered but it just made me smile that we were going through similar anxieties.

After lunch we went back to the hotel, checked in and then spent the afternoon talking. We talked about poly issues - such as if this were to work into a long-term relationship how would it make her feel not being viewed as Master's girlfriend to local friends and family - as I am viewed (although neither of us are his girlfriend as we don't have the equality going on in our relationships that would be in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship). But being viewed as a friend. We discussed many topics and possible issues and just all sort of things while laughing in between. It was just fun to talk and laugh with her. It felt good sitting there hanging out.

The hours slipped passed quickly and soon it was approaching dinner time so we opted to just go pick up pizza to bring back to the room. More talking with pizza. Soon after dinner Master and teacup moved to the adjoining bedroom of our suite as I took care of Domestic Servitude business online in the outer room.

So a background on something with me....with men sex is sex. I can have a connection with men and have sex with them but most of the time it can just be fun sex with a man and nothing more. But with women for me....I have to build friendship first and that connection moves to intimacy. Just moving to sex or anything sexual or really intimate such as kissing is hard for me without having that connection in place. Now Master and teacup had much more of an opportunity before our meeting to get to know each other then her and I. So although I felt like we were building a good foundation - we really got along from the first emails, chat and such - I still wasn't to a place of "oh yes lets have sex." Because also - a lot of that is an in-person thing for me with a woman. But we kind of all agreed if things felt good we would move into the sexual arena. Well.... things felt good but I was still not sure I was ready to move there. I knew I wanted to kiss her. I knew that without a doubt and it is a regret that I didn't kissing her more then I did - because I let the issues that did come up block me.

It started with teacup in the middle while Master and I touched her. He was sadistic and I was soft and tender. Master could have been more sadistic with her but I was slightly freaking out - that he was being sadistic with this person who until she met us - was vanilla. I had a few visions of her having regrets later if he was too rough or sadistic. This was our first threesome so it was kind of surreal watching Master being sadistic with her - it turned me on to see him touch her and see her reactions but I did as I say have little worries of "oh no he might scare her off with the SM." But in the end after we all discussed it later - he could have gone further and she would have been PERFECTLY fine with that. :)

On the same line of thinking she did the same thing with me when he did some breath play on me she worried he might be taking it too far but really he was holding back with me too - as to not scare her. Discussing it after though really was good for all of us and good learning for us all to see where were at in the pain/play and what we want. Now I know where her mindset is on the SM - and see that she is a masochist!

So we played with her in the middle and then Master was in the middle and us girls ravished him for a bit before we tried to get some sleep.

There were a couple issues that came up. It was hard that they happened but good we talked about them. It was hard to talk about them and I know I was having problem communicating - my feelings in the situation but we did get them talked through.

In the morning we had some more talking through the issues before getting ready to go pack up and go to breakfast. After breakfast, we found a park and took some photos of all 3 of us together. We had tearful goodbyes but with good plans to look forward to our next meeting when teacup comes to visit us. Because the trip overall did solidify that we all really do care for each other so much that we want to keep moving forward with this relationship. Everything felt really good together even the hiccups confirmed that because of how we communicated after the issues - felt so good.

I can't wait for teacup to come and spend time with us here in Colorado. To spend time hanging out, making dinner with me, being able to show her our beautiful state, see her explore SM with Master, see how our intimate relationship grows and just every little thing - seems so exciting to think about with her here with us.

Stupid Cunt

2012-01-13T23:21:00.001-07:00

The other day Master and I were playing and it was kind of winding down. I was in that blissful state of just being used. He had cum and I was covered in his cum. I was laying next to him all snuggled close. He stroked my hair kind of gently and then said something to me...something deeply humiliating and degrading. I am not going to say what he said as I don't want it to lose the intensity if he wants to use it again. He told me one of those things I think often but don't voice out loud really. He said it to me followed by stupid cunt. He called me stupid cunt many times. But basically as soon as he said it the first time I felt it build. I ended up cumming. He wasn't touching my clit or hardly touching me at all - just his hand in my hair bringing me back to him because I had tried to turn away as soon as he started in with the words. I had several orgasms, said thank you to Master and told him I loved him - right after he has just humiliated and degraded me. Twisted love...yay for us!

Good Moon Rising

2012-01-09T14:30:00.002-07:00

Yesterday Master had to go out town for business, just for the day. So a nice day trip for us. It’s a few hours of work with most of it driving there and back. He had figured that on the way home we would be still on the road as it got dark. The area we were driving through is very lightly populated area and there isn’t much traffic....SO....Master hooded and restrained me with cuffs and chain. We brought a steel collar but it was having some difficulties, so had to leave that off.

After the sun was well over the horizon, he pulled off and got me all setup before we continued our travel home. I was nervous as I could hear the cars driving past, but Master was making really good time affixing the bondage and getting me situated in the front seat. At first the motion was a little weird, but I got used to it quickly. The area we were in is quite hilly and curvy so we were worried about motion sickness but I did fine. I could tell when it was hills and curves but I didn't feel sick. I could even tell when Master was speeding up and slowing down not by the sound of the engine, but by how it felt sitting there and feeling the car move.

It was really an odd feeling not being able to look around. It was really hard not be able to look at Master in the car. We do lots of road trips and talk, so I always look at him. So this was us talking, but I couldn't look. He would reach over and stroke my hood-covered head. It was the PVC hood with the open mouth, Master’s favorite. I would feel his hand through the hood and crave to look at him and reach out and touch him too. I couldn't move though as I had limited mobility.

It was hot (as in sexy hot, not temperature hot). It was nerve racking too. I kept thinking of people that might see me - and of course that was a turn on too. A turn on because – well, it’s naughty being caught!

As we approached our town Master knew he might have to take my hood off as a car might pull up and if it was someone we know - that would be bad. Especially a work associate or just a concerned citizen who happened to look over and find someone hooded in the car. So he pulled the hood off not too far from our house. He had taken some back ways as long as he could and then when he couldn't avoid people pulling up next to us any longer, I had to have the hood off. The cuffs and chains were still on just not the hood.

As we were getting close to home, I also was having the growing need to pee. REALLY badly! Now Master and I had discussed pissed play things just earlier that day so he was taunting me with it. We were playfully bantering back and forth about it. He was hitting all the bumps in the road so that my bladder felt like it was ready to burst right on the spot....you know just making it as difficult as possible to HOLD IT!

I was READY (okay – beyond READY, more like an EMERGENCY HOLD) to get into the house when we pulled in the drive way. But we still had to unload the car of some equipment and files. I was still cuffed and staying that way. It was a bit of challenge to pick things up with a short chain between my wrists. But I was picking up things talking to Master about how I really needed to pee and that if we didn't get into the house soon I was going to piss right there on the driveway. Which I am sure turned him on. I know I said it pretty loud. I mean someone standing a few feet away might hear. But not anyone in the next house over.

We live in a neighborhood where we rarely talk to our neighbors. I mean I can count on fingers how many times I have probably talked to neighbors in the 8 years of being here that is how rare I talk to a neighbor. Last night of course we had a neighbor who saw us pull in and came to ask us about the lady that lives next door. Now I didn't see him walk up. I just heard him speak right after I expressed how I was ready to piss right there in the driveway. He scared me so I jumped slightly and turned fully to him - cuffs and chain showing directly to him. I realized that and quickly turned to hide behind the open door but continued to answer his questions. Master hadn't heard him but noticed I had turned away and was talking so looked and saw him so came around and talked to him.

But of course all that could go through my head was oh my gawd that man just saw me in the cuffs and chain and THANK GAWD Master didn't keep me in the hood until we got home! It embarrassed me but of course at the same time is funny that in all the time I have lived this is the time a neighbor chooses to come up and talk to us. It’s possible that with it still being dark enough outside – that the neighbor didn’t see anything, but we pride ourselves not putting our kink out in the open like that so murphy’s law was definitely working against us. It would figure that of all the times we have made the trip without incident, of all the times we have come home late from whenever without as much of nary a peep from our neighbors … that the night we decide to spice things up and get a little kink-on would be the time our neighbors decide to talk with us.

Later in bed, Master put the hood on me again and long gloves - so we could work on the arousal we built on our ride. We had lots of fun and it ended with him cumming in my mouth and on the hood. I just felt like a very well used object. Such a nice way to end a great day.

What about the good moon rising part? There was a full moon out last night or at least that’s what Master said to me this morning. Hard to see such a sight being hooded, but I wouldn’t have given it up to see the moon. Good times, good thoughts, nice tinglies and good memories! Good good good!

Review: Beginner's Bondage Fantasy Kit

2011-12-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

front of package

Folks trying something new need a starting place. As folks read my blog throughout the years, a common question has been: "We are new to bdsm and wonder if you can recommend some toys to start out with?" If you have never done any kind of bondage or bdsm and want to try it out, this kit is for you. Even if you’ve started out on light bondage and enjoyed it, this may be a kit for you too. It’s a great starting point for those new to bdsm, who want to learn more about how it feels to be restrained, blindfolded and try new positions. It’s a really simple way to dabble in a little bit of everything because the kit provides a little bit of everything for you.

The kit comes with a blindfold and then 4 Velcro closure cuffs with 44" nylon strap connector ties so you can tie off to bed, chair and many other combinations. Each cuff is made with nice soft fur in the inside and the long Velcro enclosures on the outside that are strong. I had them and I couldn't tug out of them. Master then had someone in them and they tried to pull out of them - but it didn't come undone. Could they eventually pull out of it? It is a possibility. This is a good kit for light bdsm activities – this kit can provide resistance play.

Some beginner kits I have seen over the years were pretty weak. The Velcro wasn’t that tacky and it was easy to contort and get out of the cuffs. This kit has good Velcro and none of us could believe how strong they were. Our partner kept pulling and twisting, but the cuffs remained on.

closeup of the faux fur

The cuffs are easy to attach and really adjustable regardless if you have very small wrists/ankles or are on the plus side – you shouldn’t have any problems. The one problem we kept having was that the blindfold kept coming off. Our partner really liked the soft lining and the fit of the blindfold, but the mask didn’t want to stay put. She felt that is an easy fix so still worth getting the kit.

Our partner, teacup, is new to bondage and this was a good way to introduce her in a non-threatening kind of way. Because the kit is pretty straight forward, not a lot of experience is required to use it. The kit does require some creativity, but with the 44 inch nylon straps the possibilities are relatively endless. Unfortunately due to how our hotel bed was setup – there were no tying points on the bed, however with a little creativity Master tied the ends together and then wrapped the end of the straps around his hand to guide teacup wherever he wanted her hands to go almost like a leash. He also tied the ankles connectors together so they gave limited movement to her legs.

Bondage can enhance the experience – by removing sight and limiting movement, the rest of the senses were heightened. Every little touch seems to go that much more and can lead to greater, stronger orgasms. By being able to experience it from the other side, seeing her reactions also create anticipation in watching her reactions. She was helpless, unable to reach and touch us, while Master and I had open access to her – running our hands over her body, Master slapping her breasts while I lightly teased her nipples with my mouth and tongue. She got the full range of sensations once her movements and sight were restricted.

back of package

It’s important to note that as with all bondage related activities – communication and building up trust is vitally important. Oftentimes someone starting off new has no idea what to expect and unless there’s a great deal of chemistry between yourself and your partner, even something as simple as a bondage kit can lead things awry. The best way to introduce someone is to do it together. Take out the kit from its container and in a non-invasive way, test it out, play with it on each other … almost as a warm-up so that the anxiety of trying something new abates. The next best thing to do is to take things slowly. Ease into other aspects and gradually add things while keeping in constant communication. Basically just use common sense like you would with any sex toys you use for the first time.

Beginner kits always seem to get a bad rap from lifestyle couples because they aren’t serious enough. This bondage kit is a really good starter kit for couples (or more) that are experimenting in something new and different. A lot of fun can be had with kits like this and the creative things you can do with them are virtually endless.

Means a little bit more

2011-12-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." ~ Dr. Seuss

This year my Christmas means a little bit more as I am with my family. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Bound to Him

2011-12-16T23:49:00.000-07:00

Decided to share this paragraph after I received a comment on it recently ...

He has bound me to Him in a way that can't be measured, weighed or expressed. He has infused my being - binding me to Him with all that is....and now He is a part of me. He invogorates my soul with passion, devotion and dedication to Him.

It's December - Really?

2011-12-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

* We had a chance to have lunch with good friends before we have to hit the road for the holidays. It was a lunch in unexpected place because none of the other options were available but we made due, We had good talks with like minded people who get us. It is so good to get together with them. Also got a cute cute fabric candle ring she made - so cute!

* It was good to hang out and talk with them as lately I just feel so out of touch with all my friends. I haven't chatted with so many friends on im or phone lately and it is making me feel very far away from them. I miss them.

*We had out time at home cut down from having a week left to having 3 days. So I have had to cut all baking from my to-do list and if you had read this blog for any length of time you know I love to bake at the holidays so it is really hard for me to cut that off my list. It just doesn't seem like the holidays this month to me. Only thing that has been so fun is that I am making a gift for everyone on my list that is just a lot of fun and has a lot of meaning to me. So that is making this time special.

* Domestic Servitude is posting every day in December and it isn't just me posting! :) Please go check out all the great posts!

* I am so silly happy that a change in our holiday plans from flying to driving means we can meet up with teacup. yay!

* Although I feel 2011 just flew by because it was so busy - it was a much better year then 2010. Despite my health problems it still was a better year then 2010. So many things to count as wonderful memories and blessings.

Versatile Bloggers

2011-12-11T23:16:00.000-07:00

I was nominated by several blogs for the Versatile Blogger award. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all who nominated me and who read.

Part of the the award was to name 7 things about yourself and then nominate others. I am not nominate others because 1) it is hard to do without feeling I am leaving out someone fabulous 2) I think most people in the blogsphere have been nominated so I would just be naming them again :)

So just doing the 7 things about myself...
1. I am Harry Potter fan - no I should say I am addicted to Harry Potter. No that might not seem like a big deal but I just became a Harry Potter fan within the last 6 month. Master has for the last 8 years been trying to get me to just watch the first movie and I said I didn't think I was interested. This was something yes he could have made me and at one point started too but other things interrupted it. So I saw the interview Oprah did of JK Rowlings and then I decided I might want to read the books. So when Deathly Hallows was coming out on DVD I said to Master that we should start watching them. I instantly loved them. I have read all the books and now watched all the movies so many times I can almost tell you the lines word for word. I can't go a week without watching a movie or reading a book or I goon withdrawal. I addicted to Harry Potter.

2. I used to drink Diet Coke and now I am a Coke Zero fan

3. I am going to probably be with a woman again soon and I haven't been in 10 years and it scares the heck out of me as well as excites me to no end!

4. I feel like my body is betraying me in ways. I still feel as sexual as I always have thank goodness but I am having a lot of pre-menopause symptoms that are causing some things to happen that aren't that fun. As much as I don't like my period and the migraines that come with them - I am not sure these peri-menopause symptoms are doing anything good for my emotional and mental health as well as physical.

5. I met some very wonderful people in 2011 - katie and her Master and then a couple that we jokingly say stalked Master and I and now live not to far and are good friends. I am so thankful for meeting both of couples. They are amazing and such good friends. I wish katie and her Master lived closer as I know Master and I would enjoy getting together with them more often. We thought we might get together with them one more time before the year was up but that didn't happen.

6. I used Feria haircolor for the first time. I love it. It covered better and lasted longer then any other dye I have done.

7. I am Joss Whedon fan but just recently watched The Dollhouse. I liked it. As with all his series except Buffy, it didn't go on long enough.

Domestic Servitude

2011-12-08T19:41:00.001-07:00

We are posting every day over on Domestic Servitude. There have been some good posts already....

Washing Delicates

Florentine Cookie recipe

Herbed Sea Salt

Tuesday Tips

Tinsel Wreath

Chicken Potato Puff recipe

Plus many others and it will continue all the way through December. So please bookmark Domestic Servitude and check the new post for each day out.

Simply Service is Coming Back!

2011-12-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

Simply Service is a newsletter that is full of great service tips, thoughts, ideas, personal experiences, and everything else service. There hasn't been an issue in a while and Bootpig left a little teaser on FetLife about a month ago and then recently posted details. I wrote her to ask if I could share the details here.

So from Bootpig posted on Simply Service FetLife group:

As you know, from the previous little teaser, Simply Service is coming back in the first quarter of 2012, aiming for around Valentine’s Day. Partnering with me to share the workload…err… fun is Master Obsidian’s lovely slave, namaste. We have been friends for years, often joking that we’re twins. In case you didn’t notice, I’m the tall one. And maybe the loud one. She wears a sari better.

The Spring edition – we’re hopeful so we’re calling January, February, March – “Spring” will be focused on New Beginnings, Setting Intentions, Starting New Habits (Resolutions, anyone?), Rebirth. We hope for a positive issue filled with ideas for bringing us all out of winter into a bright new year. Unless you’re coming out of summer and headed into winter, in which case, what are your intentions for that time of year?

How you can participate:

1. Send us your 2012 intentions, resolutions, new skills you’re acquiring, new habits and adventures. You can include a name or leave it off but we’ll have a list of what the goals and ideas for the year are. If it is in writing, you’re already on the way there. Commit to the new intentions. Mine is: Working on friendships with service people and building those relationships to increase my skills, particularly in some homesteading areas like natural healing & canning. I’d like to improve my yoga practice.

2. Send us articles to support this theme. You don’t need to ask if you can submit an article – just do it. Well, you may need to ask your Permission Department, but you don't need our permission. It may or may not be included but may appear in a future issue. Ideas for articles: how you changed a habit, how you helped an Owner change a habit, how-to articles for a new skill someone may be adding in their New Year. Remember, we’re not just about service philosophy, but actually getting the job done. We are particularly interested in skills that focus on holistic methods for integrating and upgrading service, including green/organic/healthy habits.

a. Articles will be due by February 1 – as a note, one of the reasons it was originally ended was that begging/chasing for articles isn’t fun. Please participate and help this be a resource for all of us.

b. Articles should be 500-1500 word unless otherwise discussed and include your short bio.

I can be reached at wmb.bootpig@gmail.com and namaste can be reached at Hisnamaste@aol.com

Happy Holidays from both of us, and our Permission Departments, who have blessed this adventure.

Excited about Poly

2011-11-29T12:12:00.001-07:00

Master started talking to a woman on an online social network. He hadn't told me about her at first because of meeting her on a site where we are known by our vanilla friends/family so put her in the vanilla column. He needs M/s in his life so being with someone who won't be his slave isn't an option for him. But he was flirting with her and enjoying her company still. So eventually they admitted feelings for each other and Master went for it - he outed us. She didn't get scared off - which is what he figured would happen. She was actually intrigued.

You know there is a mental list I have of things I view as poly-minded. So far not many people we have met check things off that list - even though they say they are poly-minded. But this woman did right away. It was amazing to me someone who knew nothing BDSM and Poly was really coming into it with more acceptance and understanding of everything then some people who say they are kinky or poly.

Anyway - she and I started exchanging emails and really get along. It thrilled me because the first time in this journey - I really felt comfortable and like wow this person feels right. It just feels different with her.

Now I am totally realistic that we haven't met face to face or had day to day interactions - and those things make everything different. But all this is more positive then it has been before. I look forward to getting to know her face to face too. We have started planning for a visit - either us to her or her to us. The first moment of talking about a visit - made me so excited. Like bouncy excited - I can't wait to meet her, hang out with her, and get to know her even better.

I just wanted to get all that out as I have been excited about it.

Love Times Three - Part 2

2011-11-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

As I said in a previous post I read Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage by Joe, Alina, Vicki and Valerie Darger.

I thought I would share some quotes I have flagged in the book.

"Plural marriage isn't easy. We're the first to admit that. It's a lifestyle that requires of each woman a constant gentle empathy for her sister wives and a respect for boundaries and fairness. We face the same struggles that monogamous wives do, but those trying times are often magnified because there are multiple partners whose perspective and feeling have to be considered."

Really good words. I think it requires quite a bit of empathy, respect for boundaries and fairness.I know it is really hard for people to do poly. One thing that many get hung up on is the not keeping every one in mind. When I lived in the poly household, one of my clear signs that it might work was if that other person kept the women in the household on their mind. Such as when they called did they ask about us or want to speak to us, did they try to form a relationship with each of us or just him, or did they like to pretend we didn't exist. Poly won't work if you don't take everyone into account and be very empathetic to what each person is going through.

"When people say I 'practice' polygamy, they've got it right: my efforts to live this lifestyle are contanst and ongoing. There are many religions that have practices aimed at deepening spiritual insights and expressing faith, such as fasting, saying the rosary, and making a pilgrimage. That's what plural marriage is for me: a daily practice that focuses my attention on the highest ideals of my religion. The benefits to me, in terms of spiritual and personal growth, joy and completeness, far outweigh the hard work and sacrifice it takes."

Poly is constant work. The area of this quote I would change instead of saying it is "my highest ideals of my religion" - I would say it is the highest ideals of myself.

"We have the closeness of sisters and the comaraderie of friends. I love it when I head for the kitchen late at night for a taste of chocolate and find Vickie or Val there, spoon in hand and ready for conversation."

Yes. Oh yes. The closeness goes beyond friendship to me...it is family but not in the sense of bio family. I mean my biological sisters don't know things about me that I have told sister slaves. Some of my favorite memories of living in Ohio, where doing mundane things with the other women in the household. Bug sitting on the dryer folding clothes as I put the next load in - talking and laughing the whole time. Laur and I singing as we made dinner. So many wonderful moments in the everyday living of life. I want that again.

"Early on, I tried to assert my status as the husband to get my wives to do what I wanted, but playing the patriarchy card wasn't working for me. ... I realized I was trying to drive them, not lead them."

Just liked that quote because with so many personalities sometimes I can see how "driving" might seem like the solution but it is quite the opposite because there are so many personalities - better to lead then to try to force things to happen.

"That's something a lot of people miss when they look at this lifestyle: it requires a willingness to take personal responsibility and be accountable for yourself."

Joe talks about how he can't carry 3 wives luggage through the airport. And one of the wives talked about how she has some issues cropping up and she realized Joe couldn't fix it - can't fix everything - that she had to look at those issues and see why they were coming up and work on finding the solution. It wasn't Joe's responsibility to help her with her issues - it was hers. Throughout the book they all mention personal responsibility and I just feel that is something needed in all relationships just not poly. But with poly I can see how sometimes we have to take that responsibly because there are so many people in the household you can't put it on everyone else.

Joe and the wives mention that although they are taking personal responsibility - everything is easier because they have love and support from each other.

Overall, I liked the book. Even though they come at poly from a religious standpoint...I still related to many things in the book. The book starts out with them growing up, how they basically came into poly. That part I didn't relate too as they were all grew up around polygamy. But the second half of the book is where they talk about their plural marriage and those are the parts I can relate too. I hope their book does help give another perspective of polygamy - where they aren't on a compound and wearing prairie-garb.

They were on 20/20 a couple weeks ago. You can watch the episode online.

Here is a video clip I found from Our America with Lisa Ling about a young family. I usually seem them mid-30 to 40's.

"Modern Polygamy: Spotlight on a Young Polygamist Family

Lisa visits Isaiah and his two wives to determine if what she sees in this young and modern families' daily lifestyle will change any of the preconceived notions we have about polygamy."

Review: Expert Guide To Oral Sex

2011-11-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

My past profession means I have given quite a lot of blow jobs. After watching another Tristan Taormino sex education video - I decided I wanted to take a look at Expert Guide To Oral Sex: Fellatio. Even though I have given a lot of blow jobs - I know I am not an expert. I figured I might learn something from it - and even if I didn't then the porn in it would be fun to watch as women who are enjoying themselves giving a blow job always turns me on.

This adult dvd starts out with Tristan introducing herself to a small group of women before going into a short lesson in male sexual anatomy. She uses good illustrations to point out arousal points on both circumcised and uncircumcised penis and talks about how different areas produce different sensations. She adds of course that every one is different and having a good open communication is key to figuring out what your partner likes.

After the male anatomy lesson, Tristan brings out Roxy and Christian to help demonstrate parts of the anatomy on a real cock as well as going over four phases of a blow job. The four phases are - warm up, experiment, rhythm, and orgasm. Tristan sits next to them and talks about the different phases as Roxy gives Christian a blow job. I think it would be very difficult to be aroused or stay aroused while someone talks about the blow job in a more technical form but Tristan is able to pull it off so it doesn't seem clinical but very casual. Christian doesn't look like he is having any problems staying aroused. The group of women then ask questions such as what do you do when your mouth isn't producing enough saliva, can you change the taste of cum, and how to overcome gag reflect.

Marcos & Lindsey

After the class is done, then the video breaks off into three separate couples demonstrating blow jobs and being interviewed by Tristain. Tristan narrates tips with each segment showing helpful “pop-up video” style bubbles to illustrate the point. The first couple is Kaiya and Alex in a bedroom setting. Kaiya gives an eager blow job while showing different stimulation techniques and positions. The second couple is Lindsay and Marcos. Their session focuses on communication between two people have never met, incorporating hand job in with a blow job, different positions and the art of a sensual blow job. You can clearly see how much Marcos is enjoying himself. Marcos is uncircumcised so it was nice to see how stimulation someone who is uncircumcised can be different. It was also refreshing to see him start completely flaccid and see him grow hard. The other sessions just start out with a hard cock. The third couple is Alec (same one who was with Kaiya) and Adrianna who focused on sloppy blow jobs and also deep-throating techniques.

Marcos & Lindsey

It then is broken into segments that show different styles of blow job: sensual, submissive, hand to mouth (this segment includes a sex toy - anal vibrator), sloppy, and sixty-nine. Tristan doesn't narrate or have any pop up tips in these segments they are just straight oral action.

As with the other Expert Guide dvds from Tristan, this one had a ton of extras. It has segments of some couples without narration, Fellatio on an Uncircumcised Penis, Fellatio & Prostate Stimulation, more of the cast interviews, safe sex, behind the scenes, and trailers. In the behind the scenes Tristan, Adrianna and Kaiya do a little taste testing of flavored lubes. Because some of the lubes are very bad, their comments and reactions are funny. In the safe sex segment they talk about flavored condoms. I used them when I worked - and I liked banana the best.

Kaiya and Alec

I don't feel I did learn anything new from this dvd but it did give me some reminders of things I don't do that often that I should incorporate into giving Master a blow job. I think that if you feel you are lacking oral skills or if you just aren't enjoying giving blow jobs then you should watch this video. It is my guess you will not only learn something but you will gain different perspectives from the men and women in the video on why and how they enjoy blow jobs. If you feel you won't learn anything new, then you will probably still walk away with reminders of things to do that you haven't done in a while - like I did.

Love Times Three - Part 1

2011-11-02T12:17:00.000-06:00

I am reading Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage by Joe, Alina, Vicki and Valerie Darger.

I first read about the book on Beliefnet. NPR also had an interview. When NPR posted this on Facebook - reading the comments were interesting. Everything from it is no ones business how they want to lead their lives to of course the predictable ones of these women are brainwashed and must have low self-esteem.

Although it is from the perspective of Independent Fundamentalist Mormons - I am relating to many things said in the book as someone who is poly too. They also of course do say some things that have given me pause for thought.

The wives describe they went on a girls night out with a bunch of friends - some monogamous some not. A monogamous friend was sharing some sexual details of her marriage and she asked if other women felt the same as her. She then turned to say okay now your turn to share. The 3 sister wives looked at each other and said no we don't do that. They don't share intimate details of their sex life with their husband - good or bad. They don't go on a date and then come home and gush about how good or how bad it was. Those are between the husband and the wife. But in the lifestyle I lead we are often very open with details (I mean I have been blogging details for 11 years) so it is hard to stop things from coming out. I mean I will write on here the SM and sexual details and people we care about who are a possible 3rd to our family will read that.

I can see the benefit to not sharing but I think it would be hard because we are so open. Now...of course not all details are shared. But as I said if I write about it or do talk about an experience - how does that make someone feel? When I was in the poly household and another girl shared something about her night with our Sir, I often just felt excitement - like a voyeuristic excitement. It also just made me feel good that that girl and him were having a good time. When someone shared something sad, then it made me feel sad for them. But over all I didn't feel jealous. At times envious of someone getting something I didn't and that is why the Darger wives don't say anything so one doesn't feel like they are being left out or not getting the same treatment. This way they all assume he is the same with each of them...that they each have unique aspects to their own relationship with him but that if he isn't have sex with them each time he sees them then he isn't having sex with the other wives each time he sees them. So as I said I can see that benefit - just think it would be hard to not share.

It is something we have kind of run into too. Master was with someone really wanted privacy but Master is used to sharing so much with me. So it was hard for him to not share at times. He didn't feel the need to share every intimate detail but he did need to talk through some things and I have been his sounding board for almost 9 years so it isn't something he wants to turn off. I get the need for some privacy but being open as we are...when things are effecting him - since I live with him they effect me. And the Darger's talk about that - that when one couple is having problems it is felt through the other 2 too. You can't turn that off with the other wife to me so I think it would be really hard not to talk about it - but according the Darger's book - the wives don't and Joe the husband doesn't share either. I am just not sure I agree with that. I mean I get some things are private but there is a point when privacy becomes mistrust of the others in the family. Or at least that is how it comes across. If you are family can't you share with each other? I mean it seems like you should be able too. We want a family that is able to openly share with each other and not keep things compartmentalized so much that we end up feeling like acquaintances instead of family.

I am going to post this part and then do another post with some quotes from the book that I liked in another post.

Show Your Ta-Ta's Some Love

2011-10-17T10:30:00.000-06:00

It is October and with it comes Breast Cancer Awareness. I had my first mammogram shortly after my 40th birthday. The mammogram for me is not too bad and I often wonder if that is because of my masochist leanings. I mean it can get uncomfortable but not painful yet the techs apologize and explain that it will hurt before it happens. I have heard horror stories about mammograms but all my techs have been so nice and very thoughtful with what they are doing to you. They know it is an invasion and that it is uncomfortable so try to do everything they can to minimize the experience. If you aren't having that kind of experience when you get a mammogram, talk to your doctor about it and find other options but don't just skip a mammogram because of staff being rude or it hurts too much...which I have heard some women do.

I have unfortunately always had flat breasts so I feel like they are trying to make me into a pancake. The machine is basically two flat blocks of plexiglass looking material. You stand next to it and then lay one breast between them and it then compresses down on it like a vice grip. I have really sensitive skin so I get abrasive marks from the rubbing of the blocks on my skin so I just lotion them when I get home and that helps. It is just a lot of pressure and as I said it uncomfortable but I wouldn't call it really painful. It is done to each breast and then here the tech takes a look over the images quickly to make sure things are clear and then if they are - I am sent on my way.

My very first test they noticed some calcium deposits so I was called back in 3 months later and then after that every 6 months for 2 years.

From the Mayo Clinic about calcium deposits: "They appear as white spots or flecks on a mammogram and are usually so small that you can't feel them. Breast calcifications can be seen on mammograms performed in most women and are especially prevalent after menopause. Although breast calcifications are usually noncancerous (benign), certain patterns of calcifications — such as tight clusters with irregular shapes — may indicate breast cancer."

Although I haven't went through menopause yet - I had calcifications flecked here and there in my breast tissue but there was one cluster - small cluster not too close together but close enough that they wanted to keep an eye on it. They didn't consider them to be suspicious enough to do a biopsy but just to keep monitoring it. So basically my first 2 years of mammograms were done every 6 months. And I am very happy to say they didn't change shape or grow tighter together so they just feel it is how with that breast.

It was scary of course - not knowing. Each time they came back with lets do another 6 month check up I was thankful they wanted to keep such a close eye on it but also worried that it was another 6 month check up. They of course continue to monitor my calcium deposits but now it is done yearly and if anything were to look different I know I would be in there again more frequently but I am thankful that things look good/the same.

I will continue to get my yearly mammogram. I do think it is important to do self-tests too and to go to the doctor right away if anything feels different.

I am going to share this website because I feel it is important and beautiful: The Scar Project. They say "Breast Cancer isn't a Pink Ribbon" and although I get what they mean I also believe in raising awareness and pink ribbons have done the job.

So many great websites have been doing all they can to raise awareness and money for breast cancer resarch. Eden Fantasys is one of those websites - they just did a contest and they also have all of their Evolved toys 25% off and are donating part of the profits to Breast Cancer Research.

Isolation

2011-10-04T12:53:00.001-06:00

I started this post back in June when I did a post titled "I'm Coming Out." Over on lj and through emails - I had a few questions so thought I would do a blog post answering those questions somewhat. Or maybe better phrased that...I hope the blog post answers the questions as I am not posting their questions but just writing.

I have always has some social anxiety but since being isolated here in Master's household - it is now worse. It has become harder and harder for me to be around people.

My therapist and I have been working on it but it is one of those things that I am like do I really even want to be working on this? There is parts of me that loves the life of isolation Master built for me. But then there are the other parts of me that remember all the groups, parties, outings, and such I did when I lived in Cleveland and even when I was married. Even though I had anxieties then I pushed through them easier because I am social. I do like being social once I move past the anxieties.

So there is that rub of what to do.....Master isn't completely thrilled with the development of my anxiety but he also likes the isolation he keeps me in. I feel the same - I feel the isolation really holds me in a place that I can't feel otherwise. It gives me a different feel of being property. I guess for me because I have such little freedom with isolation it creates him being the center of my world very easily. BUT on the other hand I really miss having friends and doing things like I did in Cleveland even though most of that isn't possible here in a small town. As I am not out to people here. We just started developing a "community" but we haven't been able to actively participate in it much because of me being sick this summer. Even so I am not sure I will find the type of person I can be completely myself with and not have to hide because often Master and my lifestyle even freak those who are under the same umbrella but practice differently.

My therapist is pushing me to meet people. I don't know how to do that anymore. Making friends how does one do that? Where do you even start? Really I don't even know how to make friends online anymore where that used to be easy too. Because my time is Master's - I am not a consistent friend and that can bother people. Also because Master controls everything - I could stop contact and someone might not know why. I don't get the freedom to decide when, where, who and how friendships will go because ultimately I am not in control of my life.

I am lucky I have a few friends that do understand why I don't keep in consistent contact and are really good about it. I have had people that didn't understand though and were upset when I disappeared and it was hard to reconnect after that. They want to understand and accept but at the same time it pushes their insecurity buttons and confuses them. I don't blame them...I am sure I would feel the same way in their position. But often I don't ever change my feelings towards the friendship...my time changes.

I also take the thought of what this isolation is doing to me long term and what-if he wasn't here anymore. Master is younger then I but I still think about what if.....what-if he died and I was alone. I don't know anyone here. I suppose I would move to be with family but I really don't want to do that as I have always lived far from my family for a reason. But I think about what would I do...after being like this....for so many years. Not being able to make friends and be in the world because my world centered around Him.

So I worry about all this and even get annoyed at Master wishing that I could go and do things like I used to but at the same time I would be sad if this went away. My number one thing I masturbate to is even more isolation then I have already. So I do want this it is just hard to find the balance and I am not sure there is a balance that goes with this type of relationship.

5 Ways....

2011-09-30T12:25:00.001-06:00

I was reading this "5 Ways to Love Yourself Completely - Right Now" and I realize that they are just good in general but as a person in service and placing in context of serving they work really well too. The author Jess Weiner goes into each one with a little paragraph but I am just sharing the 5 ways and then my thoughts.

1. Forgive -One of the things she says is forgive yourself. I know I don't do that enough. I hang on to my mistakes for a long time even little ones that I know Master probably isn't even thinking about - I still am not forgiving myself for making a mistake. Earlier in the week we ran a lot of errands and I only brought a few reusable shopping bags so we didn't have enough by the time we got into the last place. So had to use the store ones. I didn't beat myself up for that but Master is big on making sure you tie those plastic grocery store sacks so things dont' fall out and roll around in the back of the car. I forgot to tie them and they had round cans in them so when took the first corner - out they all came rolling around the back. Master got out at the stop light and tied the bags. I have been beating myself up about this little mistake since. It was a little mistake...I should get over it. Forgive myself and move on.

2. Take Small Steps of Action - "Get out of your head and into your life." is one quote from the text. I have so much in my head that it stops me from trying and moving forward. I just need to take even a small step of action.

3. Practice Daily Grace - I really liked what she had to say about Practicing grace. Those mistakes I talked about in #1 that I hang on to - well they are taking up space that could be used for other more important things. Ms. Weiner says to practice daily grace so that it is like a muscle. I like to call muscle memory. It just becomes a part of you the more you use it.

4. Pay attention to your Body - I know I am much better at this then I was when I was younger. I now can tell when my body needs rest or when things are wrong. But when I was serving in the Poly Household - I often pushed myself and didn't listen to my body trying to tell me that I was pushing to hard.

5. Make Friends with Patience and Progress - All of these are linked of course and #3 and this one are especially close. If you are practicing daily grace then you will be able to more easily make friends with patience and progress. To see your growth in even small things and allowing yourself mistakes as they help us learn and grow.

You can get the 5 Ways to Love Yourself Completely by Jess Weiner on her website. You have to fill in your email address and she emails them to you.

Value & Contribution

2011-09-27T12:38:00.000-06:00

I found this quote several weeks ago when I was going through things on my computer - trying to clear up some space. I shared the quote with Master right away as I knew he would like it too. So now sharing it here too....

"A 'good' slave is one whohas talents and attributes whose value and contribution is more than themaintenance you have to do to keep or inspire her service." ~ Soulhuntre

Review: Expert Guide to Female Orgasms

2011-09-21T20:30:00.000-06:00

DVD Cover

Several years ago Master and I went a workshop at Thunder in the Mountains by Tristan Taormino on Enemas. We really got a lot of good information from the workshop and thought she was a really good presenter. So when I saw she has a series of Sex Ed videos - I knew I would like to see them sometimes and I got my chance with Expert Guide to Female Orgasms. Tristan takes a different approach to the educational sex video using both education and porn. She uses porn stars in her video to demonstrate. I think that is a really interesting approach.

For the first 30 minutes approximately is the education portion by Tristan and then after that it is divided into 5 different couples being interviewed and having sex. Tristan describes the basics of the female orgasm, what happens as a woman becomes aroused and how that is expressed, the different parts of female sex anatomy, tips and suggestions to help achieve orgasm, and of course she stresses that every woman is different - so how each woman achieves an orgasm will be different. She mixes in the porn stars talking their personal experiences. All the information as well as sexual demonstrations are presented in a very open and non-judgmental, sex-positive light.

Tristan Taormino

Katie & Sean Michael

The five couples are - Katie St Ives and Sean Michael, Evanni Solei and Evan Stone, Jiz Lee and Madison Young, Dylan Ryan and Mr. Marcus, and Adrianna Nicole and James Deen. Before each scene starts there is an interview with each member of the couple. The females are asked how they have orgasms and what they need to have an orgasm. Some of them offer advice for achieving orgasm. I enjoyed hearing how each woman achieves orgasms as they were all different. Although the hitachi wand was a consistent star with each of them. I liked that they used sex toys as I feel many times couples do get intimidated by using toys. As Mr. Marcus says in the video he felt the first time someone wanted to use toys that he wondered if he wasn't "enough" - but now he sees them as just enhances the pleasure and it is part of the process to get there.

Evanni & Evan

I feel although they are porn stars they aren't acting. Maybe I am wrong but everything looks real. Their moves aren't overly pronounced as they are in porn movies - making sure that the camera gets that tongue on the pussy money shot. No it is just couples having sex. It looks real. In one of the extra features on the DVD there is behind the scenes and Tristan is saying to Jiz and Madison that she doesn't allow anyone to fake an orgasm. And I watched the video before hearing that and felt they all were very real in their orgasms and interaction. Although they weren't "couples" in the sense that they are together enjoying ongoing intimacy - they were all enjoying themselves A LOT but it did lack some intimacy or at least I felt it did.

Dylan & Mr. Marcus

Besides the education portion and the five couples there are also several bonus features - Safer Sex, Kegel Exercises, Vibrator Guide, Masturbation Montage and Behind the Scenes. I really enjoyed all of these extra features. You are really getting a lot of video on this DVD.

My only criticisms of the video are that these are porn stars. Now I do think they did great. I enjoyed watching many of them and felt they all enjoyed each other but I do wish there would have been everyday couples with ongoing relationships and intimacy. I enjoyed the last 3 couples the most though. The first two couples were okay - they didn't turn me on much. I really liked Sean Michaels I just didn't feel Katie communicated very well. She came across ditzy which then turns me off when they had sex. I felt that Evanni communicated well but Evan Stone well he compared getting the female orgasm to fly fishing. Now he prefaces it with putting it in man speak but it still annoyed me. My mind has to be turned on for my body to be turned on - so because a couple actors made me cringe - it turned me off when they had sex. I did feel the other couples were very informative as well as very sexy.

Adrianna & James

Although James Deen said a few things that made me cringe too. He just sounded like a boy instead of a man. But he is right Adrianna exudes sex so I loved watching her. It was really hot seeing her facial expressions as she orgasmed. He also spits on her pussy - which I didn't find sexy at all. Adrianna said one thing too that I didn't feel was very good - she said that she felt those that haven't achieved orgasm weren't allowing themselves to have one (paraphrasing). And that bothered me. I know she was talking about those that never have had an orgasm - but it can be stretched to those who have trouble achieving aren't allowing themselves. Okay so that is hitting close to home - as the older I get I can at times have some trouble reaching orgasm - but I want to orgasm. I try. I am allowing myself to have it...as I want it very badly. But it just isn't as easy as that.

Jiz & Madison

My only other little annoyance is that the sex toys were covered with condoms and there is a feature on safe sex but yet many of the performers don't practice safe sex. I wish they would have all been covered - even if there wouldn't have been a safe sex feature on the video - I just prefer to see them practicing safe sex. If they had been couples in ongoing relationships that had a fluid bond then I wouldn't have had a problem at all seeing them without condoms.

Things I really liked about this video were that Tristan was very clear, open and sex-positive in her information. Mr. Marcus pulling Dylan's hair oh my....yes that set me off instantly! Really they were my favorite couple just really hot sex but the last three couples turned me on. I also really liked Dylan talking about the female ejaculation as I feel that will help so many women and men who don't know about it and want to know more. She did a good job of describing what it felt like and how she achieved it.

I feel the Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Orgasms is a good video for those who are wanting to know more about the female orgasm. I think it is especially good to watch with a partner. Master and I watched it together. I don't feel there was anything it didn't tell us that we didn't know but it might have given us some ideas to use that we haven't used in a while. Although there were some things I didn't like all that much, overall it was enjoyable, informative and a turn on.

Meeting a Friend

2011-09-05T12:37:00.001-06:00

Master and I recently took a trip for his work. We had the extreme pleasure to meet someone I have known online for a long time. She is someone I have long been inspired by and admired her for domestic skills and dedication to service. Katie is a contributor to Domestic Servitude blog and has a tumblr - Daily Submission.

It was such a wonderful evening! Katie has been one of these people on my mental list of people I wanted to meet and just never thought I would. I mean I never thought I would get to her area. When I found out that we were going, I asked Master right away if it was okay if I contacted Katie about getting together and meeting. He said yes. He loves meeting lifestyles people - especially Master/slave couples as it is a rare occasion when we meet people with such similar paths.

Although I love meeting people especially that I have known for such a long time online - I still have social anxiety issues. So just calling and talking to her to set up times when we arrived in her area - I was so nervous. But at the same time I was so excited about meeting her.

Katie made us dinner and she is a hostess. She loves cooking for people and having them enjoy it. And we DID ENJOY dinner! OH my goodness - so so good! We had things from their garden. She made a cherry tart for dinner that was OUTSTANDING! I am wanting a piece right NOW please? :) It was that good. Katie sent us home with a basket of homemade goodies. She is just so thoughtful! Such a wonderful hostess.

We had such a wonderful time with her and her Master. We laughed and talked about everything from lifestyle things to politics and just had great conversations. I got a tour of her garden and home and it just was everything I imagined when I think of her. I loved it! Loved seeing her in this place that makes her so happy - it is so lovely! She is a beautiful person - just so lovely. I am so grateful that we got to meet and talk face to face. And I hope that maybe I can come back with Master again. It is people like her and her Master that make us miss being around lifestyle people of like mind. We loved being able to just be ourselves and not having to watch our words/conversation. It was nice being around people who understand our path also and don't judge it and walk a similar path too.

Katie has some writings on the Domestic Servitude blog. I don't think I have everything tagged with her label yet as I just started going back to label her posts. The Dandelion Massage Oil recipe is one of the things she gave us in the basket.

Review: Twisted Love Ties

2011-08-13T18:40:00.001-06:00

I will tell you I was excited to try these out because it is a really great idea. Quick and easy bondage without having to break out the rope, cuffs, locks, or chains. Just wrap, twist and tada! What could be easier? We love everything that goes into restraining and bondage. I love rope bondage and Master loves cuffs and chains. Both our likes take up time to prepare to get it wrapped up and tied, fastened or locked. But if you are going at it hot and heavy, those things often aren't going to cut it. You don’t want to take the time for some intricate rope bondage or sort through stuff to get the wrist cuffs out and then find the right length of chain and make sure we know where the keys are to the locks on the cuffs in the middle of getting down and dirty. With the Twisted Love Ties we could grab and go without a great deal of pause in our fun.

Okay that is what I thought and I don't doubt we can do that, but unfortunately the Love Ties have a few problems. They can be twisted around the wrist/ankle to tightly with a great deal of ease. But they aren’t like rope or leather - where you can cut through it if necessary. You can’t do that with these due to the metal/wire center it has. You have untwist all the wraps to get out. On the other hand - on some ties I tested, I was able to just flip my hand over and slip out. While the metal/wire center makes the twist tie strong to pull on, if you want secure them in bondage, that’s going to take some additional planning and setup. The front of the packaging demonstrates a tie that looks like it might work, but if she twists her wrists a certain way, she could easily slip out (shown on the right in the green circle). That isn’t to say that you can’t get the twist bindings tight. You can, but as with any other form of bondage, pay close attention so that you don’t cut off circulation.

What I think these are ideal for is when being tied to something - such as a headboard, spreader bar, some tie down point (we have lots of hook eyes on our bed for bondage). I think they will be good for quickly tie to restraint for a short time such as being pushed down on the bed and taken. “Yes please!” I also think these would be great for traveling so that you don't need to bring a bunch of toys and they can be discreet when in a suitcase. They are innocuous enough to where most people wouldn’t even hazard a guess what they could be used for. Master and I spent time making up funny different explanations for the Twisted Love Ties such as a chic new belt. But really I do think they almost look like a bungee cord or just something very non-noticeable to me.

The Twisted Love Ties are 34" inches and come packaged two in set which can because of the length allow for a lot of different twists and ties. They have some kind of flexible wire core with foam padding that is covered by a stitched nylon material casing. Some ties we did caused the ends to stand up and were close enough to my face that I could have poked myself if we didn't tuck them under. It is covered completely so no sharp pointy edges but still can poke yourself so be careful with that and with not wrapping them too tightly. They go on tighter then they look at times so can pinch the skin and be abrasive against the ankles and wrists.

In all, the Twisted Love Ties are a good quick portable innocuous bondage solution. Even with the small setbacks, it is a quick and easy approach to bind your partner in nothing flat. Be mindful of how the ties feel against jointed areas and watch out for those end points but otherwise have fun with them as I am sure we will be throwing them into the suitcase with a few other sex toys at the end of the month when we go on a long road trip.

Can't Breath

2011-08-08T12:00:00.005-06:00

I have been sick...well struggling with my asthma. I am almost at 3 weeks of not being able to breath and it really has got me down. A couple weekends ago we were suppose to go and be with some friends moving to the area. Help them paint and just hang out and talk but with my asthma we couldn't. And then this past Friday there was a munch that we couldn't go to. There are quite a lot of smokers and my asthma was really raging out of control so I knew I couldn't handle it. And it turned out to be the biggest munch that our area has had so far so really bummed we missed it.

Because I can't breath - I don't have a lot of energy and I just can't do a lot without causing more breathing problems. So things I had under control have slipped out of control again...like the house. It was clean and I was finally maintaining it pretty good and then I got sick and now I can't keep up.

I have several obligations I have fallen behind on - one being Domestic Servitude blog. I have several posts started - some I just needed to do some photos and don't have the energy. It is very frustrating so I have gotten down. I have had several days of melt downs which of course doesn't help my asthma. Being upset just exasperates it more of course so that doesn't help me but I just get so down about not being able to do anything. Master of course has been great and understanding. He has gone out of his way to help me in anyway he can. Even to the point of thinking of getting me a nebulizer to have here at home.

It is so funny - I didn't have to use my inhaler for over 2 years. And then this spring allergies started up and I needed it. I was shocked. I had to have my doctor call in a new one as all mine were expired. This inhaler has a counter on it and I am now down to 95 puffs left it started with just under 200. So in just a few months I have used it that much. But I have used it the most in the last few weeks. I am using it anywhere from 4 to 6 times a day - everyday. I have a doctors appointment coming up so see if there is anything else I can be doing. But still seems allergy related so not sure there is much they can do for me.

I just hope whatever is causing it to rage out of control goes away and things get back to normal. I just can't live this way. It sucks even more since I finally had gotten so many other things more under control - like having less migraines and my sciatica not causing me hardly any pain and able to walk normally. I want to be able to have those good days back.

Hurricane

2011-08-08T11:58:00.001-06:00

Oh my.....yes! This is not a work safe video. :)

Abandoned Toys

2011-07-25T22:50:00.002-06:00

I asked yesterday on Twitter "does anyone have BDSM toys in their collection that they really like but they just don't use that often? Why does that happen?"

We have quite a few toys we don't play with and my take on why that happens with us is that we get caught up in the heat of the moment and just grab what is on/in our nightstand and Master uses his hands A LOT....spanking, grabbing, squeezing, slapping and punching. So we just don't make it to the bigger type toys like floggers, cane, whip and so on.

I asked the question because Master used a toy on me recently that we rarely use but I LOVE. It hurts like hell but I love it. Master and I both talked about how we need to play with those toys more. Oddly for us it is setting aside time to play in that manner. We play with sex always but to "scene" per se we don't do often so need set that time aside.

We both talked about how much fun we had and how relaxing it was for both of us. And with Master's busy schedule he really could use some down time and getting frustrations out by beating me - well I am all for that.

Pleasurists

2011-07-13T13:51:00.000-06:00

rough 02 by freakshow9

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists 137? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 139? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday July 17th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

BodyWand Massager Giveaway Deadline: July 15th @ Midnight Eastern.

Curvelicious Giveaway Deadline: July 15th.

Giveaway! Deadline: July 15th @ Midnight Mountain.

First Mate Silicone Dildo Giveaway Deadline: July 24th.

Shay’s Contest! Deadline: July 30th.

Crystal Causes $12,000 sex toy giveaway & community fundraiser Deadline: July 31st.

Buy Short Erotic Story PURR And Win A Free Sex Toy! Deadline: July 31st.

Giveaway! Deadline: August 7th.

Fetish Fantasy Pink Passion Bondage Kit Giveaway Deadline: August 10th @ 11:59pm Eastern.

Editor

Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews…

Vibrators

Marble 5″ by Mistress Kay

Doc Johnson Alumination by The Nymphomaniac Ness

Little Secret Kiss by buzzvibe

BodyWand Rechargeable Massager by Mistress Kay

WetForHer’s Three Luxe by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew

Dual Action Hummingbird by Kit O’Connell

Curvy Toyfriend by Bzzingbee

BodyWand by Bzzingbee

Tantus Tease by Wilhelmina Wang

Black Magic Pleasure Kit by Mistress Kay

Now & Again by Kisses and Kinks

Dildos

The Devil by Bzzingbee

Rainbow Amor by Kitty Stryker

Bree’s Colossal Cock by PandaDementia

Amethyst Dildo by LadyToyBox

Glass Pleasure with Swirls by the bedroom blogger

Icicles No.17 by Toys in Love

Captain by Red Vinyl Kitty

Anal Toys

Tantus B-Bomb by Danae

Vixen Tristan 1 by Beanfiddler

Sleeves, Cock Rings, & etc.

Cyberskin Pussy Stroker by LadyToyBox

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

Wet Naturals Silky Supreme by Pixel

Sliquid Swirl by The Nymphomaniac Ness

Romance Pleasure Kit by Teagan Shepard

Sliquid Swirl Blue Raspberry by The Nymphomaniac Ness

Shunga Divine Oral Pleasure Gloss by CLP

LELO Flickering Touch by LadyToyBox

BDSM/Fetish

Spartacus Fleece Lined Blindfold by Pixel

Green Lightning Double Trouble Acrylic Cane by Mistress Kay

Marilyn Wrist Cuff by Red Vinyl Kitty

Pinwheel by K__

Adult Books & Games

Miss Vera’s Crossdress for Success by Mistress Kay

Sex at Dawn by Kit O’Connell

Pandora: An American in Prague by Mistress Kay

Carnal Machines by Kitty Stryker

Adult DVDs & Porn

Behind The Red Door by Ginger Leigh

Songs in the Key of Sex by J.D. Bauchery

Addicted to Pleasure by Ginger Leigh

Nowhere Angels by J.D. Bauchery

This Ain’t Happy Days XXX (Disc 1) by Ginger Leigh

Sex Furniture

Liberator Black Label Wedge/Ramp Combo by True Pleasures

Liberator Escape by the bedroom blogger

Liberator Wedge by Beanfiddler

Lingerie

Anais Light Up Stappy Chiffon G-String by The Nymphomaniac Ness

Miscellaneous

The Understudy Kit by Kitty Stryker

Fun Factory Teneo Duo by Pixel

Review: B-Bomb Anal Vibrator

2011-07-09T21:00:00.005-06:00

My first impressions of the B-Bomb Anal Vibrator were it's color, a pretty deep purple and the moderate shape and size in comparison to other anal vibrators. When Master lubed me up to insert it, I didn't need to stop and catch my breath or relax my ass muscles. The silicone has flexibility that ensures it sliding in very easily. Inside the base of the anal vibrator is a small battery bullet that contains three small watch batteries which were included. Once the batteries are installed in the sealed bullet, it fits very snugly inside the silicone base. A small button at the bottom of the bullet springs the vibrator to life. When inserted, the vibrations are not overly powerful where they numb you out, but they were just perfect stimulation to keep me turned on. Master spanked me with it in and it was a very nice combination of sensations - both vibrations of the B-bomb anal vibrator and spanking together.

There are a couple of things I didn't like about this anal vibrator. Due to my latex allergy, I need silicone based products. This B-bomb anal vibrator is silicone but it is a tacky (as in sticky) one. However it's not completely sticky but it is just a little tacky to the touch. For instance, when I lay it down (as it can't stand which I will get to in a moment) on the bed or a towel it comes away with some fuzz on it. Not much but a little - I just know I will need to be careful not to lay it on anything that it can come away with a lot of lint.

My other problem is the vibrator doesn't go all the way in. I can see by the design, it's good because it makes it easier to open the vibrator to replace the batteries and to pull it out of the base of the plug, however it sticks out a bit and thus making it very impractical. After we were done playing, I turned the vibrator off but didn't take it out. When I rolled over and sat flat, the B-Bomb turned itself on again due to the on/off button that's located at the base of the bullet. This isn't the type of plug you could wear while just sitting around the house as it would turn on and off as you move, but during sex and having fun in bed - it did great!

One thing I read about AFTER using the B-Bomb was the instruction to use a little water based lube on the bullet before putting it into the base of the plug. Then that way it won't be so difficult to take out and put back in after cleaning it. If you don't lube the bullet, it is very hard to get the bullet back out of the plug. This bullet is waterproof so just a little water based lube on it is suppose to be okay and help with that problem. I haven't tried it yet but I will be NEXT time for sure.

The B-bomb did give me the sensation that it wanted to fall out. After it was inserted, the plug came back out a little but not all the way. During the entire time we played with the B-Bomb, it just wasn't snug in my ass but I don't think that is a big deal. It still felt very good even though it wasn't snug. I still felt the fullness of it in my ass and the vibrations to be quite pleasurable. However, I did find it starting to be pushed out when I had an orgasm, but I've had my vaginal vibrators do that too. But I really again don't find this to be a big problem as I am having the orgasm so I am really done with the anal vibrator anyway.

I think this anal vibrator is good for those who have already started out with a small butt plug and might ready for the next step. This is a good toy for those who are experienced, but who have not tried a vibrating anal plug. It isn't overly big but does have a moderate full shape to it. The silicone composition makes it nice to slide in and it has nice vibrations sending wonderful little tingles of sensation through the ass. The B-bomb has lots of options when cleaning it - you can use it with soap and water, toy cleaner, a ten percent bleach solution, wipes or you can boil it or stick it on top rack of your dishwasher to sterilize. Since it is a silicone toy it is best to use a water based lube. And not to store it next to any other silicone sex toys. Over all I really do think it is a nice anal vibrator and I am sure we will be breaking it out in our play often.

Connection

2011-07-08T20:26:00.003-06:00

* I got my hair cut - almost 11 inches off. I haven't had it this short probably since I was in high school. I wanted something different and decided it was hair and if I didn't like it - it would grow back out. And well I don't really like it. I think I will like it a bit better when it just grows out a bit more. But right now it is too short. All this was with Master's approval. He likes it but knows it wasn't what I was going for when I went to get it cut.

* The hair stylist was asking me how I wanted my bangs. And I said to the side and longer. I told her I usually did shorter straight across but since I am going to part on the side I wanted longer to the side. And she said well since you are so young you can pull that off. And I kind of laughed. I said, "I am 43 - is that young?" Because she had to have been in her late 30's so calling me young made it seem like she thought I was I was younger then her. And it turns out she did. She was stunned. She kept repeating that there was no way she would have guessed I was 43. She thought I was really young. She never said how young but I am guessing younger then her. So that was a nice compliment. But I thought the whole bangs comment was weird that having bangs on the side was only for young women. When did that happen?

* I don't have pictures of my hair yet - because I don't like it.

* I am happy to report though Master can grab my hair and get a good grip into it. Because the other day he came home from an appointment and came in the door grabbed my hair and bent me down...just kind of wielding me which way he wanted and then finally kissed me. Kissed me long and deep and hard - all while his hand was still pulling my hair. Made my knees weak.

* Master's girl aria came to the house for the first time on Sunday. This will be a more regular thing now which is a good thing. But it stressed me to the max. I am obsessive about the house and guests. And this is her first visit - so she is a guest even though she is becoming family. I know that probably doesn't make sense but I am neurotic.

* Right now the business - has been taking my time full-time. And so I just don't have time to keep the house up. I was cleaning the bathroom the other day and dusting the tops of these lights we have at the very top of the ceiling that need a step stool to clean - and they hadn't been cleaned in I don't know how long and it bothered me A LOT. I thought about when Master didn't have his own business and worked outside the home - and I was basically a domestic slave full-time - the house was really clean. And now it gets to be too much. I don't know how other slaves do the full time job and all the domestic stuff. And it isn't just time - I mean I know I can manage my time better but it is also energy. By the time I have done all the work for the business I am so mentally exhausted that I feel physically exhausted as well.

* I mentioned in a post a while back a couple that might move to the area and then decided against it - well the are moving to a nearby town. So we are very excited to have them close. They are in town before moving into their new home and so we got together with them for breakfast yesterday morning. It was so nice to catch up with them. And so great that they will be closer to us now.

* We went to a local munch. It was our first and I know it will get better once we get to know people. I also know I was really spoiled by my Ohio friends - they made it easy to make friends being so warm and welcoming. I miss them so much.

* Just had a movie night with Master and aria - watched the first Harry Potter movie. Gearing up for the final movie. During the movie Master reached over and just grabbed one of my breasts like he has a vice grip instead of a hand. Damn it hurt. Just sitting here typing it - makes my breast throb from pain again.

Master and aria are having some quality time now. Master and I are spending tomorrow together. I got my period last night and right away I thought that might ruin our plans and it was like he was reading my mind because he said to me that is not going to ruin our plans. Unfortunately I did hurt my knee today so I hope that doesn't ruin anything. Did get a chance to play with a new toy recently and will have a review up on it in a few days. Sunday aria will be back over to spend the day with Master.

Well I am going to take some time to just do some emails and work on my review. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Review: The Violet Ripple Anal Plug

2011-06-19T19:42:00.021-06:00

Master and I went out to dinner one night and on the way home we picked up our snail mail. In the mail box was package. Neither us could recall ordering anything, so I puzzled over the return label to see who it was from. It was so discreetly packaged I couldn't figure it out. My eyes lit up when it dawned on me that it had to be the anal plug from Eden Fantasys!

We had just talked that morning over breakfast about setting aside time the next morning to play because our weekend was going to be incredibly busy and we wanted time to connect and enjoy each other. So the plug arriving the day before we were going to play seemed to be perfect timing.

I was really surprised by how pretty the anal plug is. When I took it out the package and set it on the table it looked so pretty just sitting on the table and well it is sexy too. That made me want to play with right away. Every time I look at it sitting on my night stand I think, "oh yes lets play" - it just is so pretty and sexy. The Violet Ripple Anal Plug is an attractive color and elegant design. It is made of incredibly smooth Pyrex glass (no sharp edges, no seams, nothing that might cut or scrape) and it can be cleaned very easily. You can even put in the dishwasher. I washed it with hot soap and water - just like I was washing dishes (but just washed it alone of course.) It comes with a little drawstring bag to store it in. I like that as it gives it a little protection instead of just rolling around in the draw that I store many of my sex toys.

I am not new to anal play. I really enjoy it even though it is something we don't do that frequently. Even though I'm not a beginner - I don't feel I am just able to slip a plug in and go. So when it came time to play, Master put plenty of lube on me and the toy. He slipped fingers in and out before trying the plug to help me relax a little bit.

The Violet Ripple's caused some uncomfortableness when it reached the widest point upon insertion. I would have to ask Master if he could stop for a moment. After taking a few breaths, I could relax and then he can continue pushing the plug in. After it slides in, it just feels heavy inside. It's made from solid glass, so it makes sense that it will be heavier than a rubber or silicone one. There is no give to the plug. Heavy feels good to me, like it won't come out as some of the other plug products I've experienced before.

I had it in for about an hour the first time just sitting and doing things. I even had an opportunity to wear it out in public and had no issues. The hardness of the glass might be difficult for some people to take but I do have some extra padding on my bottom so that might make a difference. I do notice the plug inside, but that isn't a bad thing to me. I actually notice it is there more because where it stretches and goes thin around the neck of the plug. I just feel that stretching even after it has been in a while. I become very sensitive to the feeling of it in me, so walking around, sitting or tending to things - I notice it. It is a good sensitive sensation to me where it turns me on.

After reading some of the reviews and comments on Eden Fantasys, there has been the worry about the base being too small. I LOVE it! I absolutely love the fact it doesn't have a wide base to it. I didn't have any problems with it slipping all the way in, nor do I get the sense I would ever have a problem with it doing that. I love how close it fits on my anus opening. Many of my previous anal plugs had a wide base on them that had a square or oddly shaped such as the one pictured below.

With previous butt plugs, the square base usually sat between my ass cheeks. When I walk with the plug, what does that do to the plug? It moves that base....moving it back and forth, back and forth - just like you are unscrewing it ... and yes that is exactly what ends up happening so that they come right out. It wouldn't matter what size the plug was either. I've had larger sizes than the Violet Ripple and they would almost always start to pull it out when I walked because of the movement of my butt cheeks moving the base and eventually pull it downward and out. Thankfully the Violet Ripple isn't that way. Although the hardness of the edges made me fully aware the plug was there - it never felt like it was going to fall out when I moved - even though it was heavy. One would think that with the additional weight of the plug, that there would be a greater tendency for it to fall out, but I didn't get that feeling.

Because of the smaller base, the Violet Ripple was harder for me to insert and remove by myself. Mainly this happened because my fingers get slippery with lube. So once I finally get my ass and plug lubed up, I have to make sure to clean off my fingers so that I can get a good grip on the plug to insert it. Because the plug is made from glass and has a smaller base, it kept slipping from my fingers when I had lots of lube on them.

When I found out I was allergic to latex, I was very disheartened as I had to throw out a bunch of my sex toys where I wasn't positive if they were silicone or not. Anal plugs weren't something I had replaced - yet. So I was really excited to have an opportunity to try out the Violet Ripple anal plug and I can tell you that I am not disappointed in the least. I can't wait to use it again and again. It is a sexy and a pleasure to use. I know it will get a lot of use.

*photos in the post are mine. To see better photos of the Violet Ripple Anal Plug please go to Eden Fantasys

I'm Coming Out

2011-06-08T23:34:00.005-06:00

Is there any way to come out without having the Diana Ross song I'm Coming Out in my head? I don't think so....

Last year when both my Uncle and my former Master died, my depression really took a downward spiral and I sat in my doctors office and started crying. He called in the therapist from down the hall. And since that day - I have been seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for it. It has helped so much not only for my grief but just helped me with other issues I had going on.

I have not outted myself to her about the M/s relationship I have with Master, but I have told her about some of my past relationships - that I enjoyed kink and that I have been poly in past relationships. I also told her I was an escort. But she doesn't know anything about my current relationship dynamic. Master has been in support for me coming out to her about our relationship. But I just haven't been comfortable with it. Although I adore her and trust her to be very open-minded as she has been about everything I have told. I know bottom line if she feels something is harming me she will tell me. And I don't want to hear it if she thinks that some of my problems stem from our dynamic. Yes, we do think that some of my problems do stem from it because of the isolation and the dynamic creating co-dependency issues that cause a chain reaction of other issues such as I now have social anxiety issues that I have always had but now are amplified because of the isolation and because I do everything with Master.

A little history, I have done therapy in my late twenties to mid-thirties. Every therapist I came out to was very uncomfortable with the kink and D/s. It was the reason I stopped going as I felt it was making my relationship with my therapist too uncomfortable and I was sick of feeling judged by it so I stopped going even though I felt I still needed some help to sort through some things.

So there is that little voice sounding off inside me that I might be judged. The hard part is that I like my current therapist so much that I don't want to do or say anything that might hurt that connection I've made with her. While I realize she isn't like any of my past therapists the insecurity remains.

Bottom line, I am so thankful I finally gave in to seeing someone. My doctor had asked me repeatedly over the years if I wanted to go to see someone. I have been on anti-depressants for the last couple of years. So when we have our yearly review of medications, he asks if I want to talk to someone and I've always said no. Too many bad experiences and the feeling of being judged I had to wrangle the thoughts in my head about starting over with my life history with someone new. As it was, it took almost 2 sessions to just do the intake with her.

But with last years events...I needed help. I am so thankful that my doctor pulled in my therapist and I am so fortunate that we've clicked. I mean really instantly I felt comfortable with her and I just started spilling. She made me feel comfortable and she is really good at giving me a perspective that works for me - in a way that makes me be able to see it. She gets inside my head really easily - knows how I tick. It is really amazing sometimes she knows what I am thinking when I feel I am sitting there straight faced but having an "Oh Shit" moment. She knows it too. She has helped me in communicating in difficult situations like with my father who is so hard to talk to - who has a knack for pushing my buttons. It's been incredible how she's helped me in so many ways.

So skipping ahead a bit. Several months ago Master started seeing someone local and it is hard to not talk about it - in therapy. It was hard not mention Master's girl. (I don't have a name to call her in this blog yet - something we will work on though) I've had some issues. Issues I felt my therapist could help me sort through. So with Master's blessing, I came out to my therapist about the poly.

WOW!

She handled it AMAZINGLY!

It was that moment where I wished everyone was like her! Really every issue - the kink, the escorting - she has always handled so well. I asked her if she knew what poly was and she gave me the definition without having to go to a book or to the web. When I had told her about Kam and poly (early on in our sessions), we just went over things briefly. Ever since then I didn't know if she even knew what I meant when I mentioned poly before. I had explained to her that when I moved in with Kam, he was involved with more than one woman with all of our knowledge and consent. I discussed that I enjoyed it but also some of the issues I had with it. I told her towards the end of that relationship, I dated multiple men and women - again with everyone's knowledge and consent.

She told me that whatever is done between consenting adults she felt was fine as long as everyone was okay with it. (Insert gaping mouth expression.) No ridicule, no condemnation, no criticism. Then when I told her about Master seeing his girl, the same thing. No qualms, no judgment, no problem. She has really great views about poly. How I feel she gets it, stems from some of the things she has said to me about poly are the same things I've said to others who have approched me for advice. I guess sometimes it is hard for me to take my own advice, but hearing it from her has been good. She has a different perspective on other things though too, so that helps too to hear another view. She just in general has a wonderful view on poly which makes even more relaxing to open up and share. We had a whole rant one day when we were talking about sex and poly - and she said "Americans are just to uptight about sex."

She has some different views though that just wouldn't work in my dynamic so I've had to just politely nod. Will I out myself someday that I'm in the M/s, bdsm lifestyle? I really don't know. Master says I will. But I do know she has been great about everything else I have told her so part of me thinks she'll get it. Of course there is the other part of me that worries about how all of this will be seen in the big picture. I just know that there have been times when I just sit there looking at her like wow are you for reals? I have lucked out to have such a great therapist and glad I have come out to her about the poly.

Tug & Slap

2011-05-22T09:31:00.006-06:00

After suckling Master's cock for a while last Saturday, he pulled my head up by my hair - pulling on it fairly hard. And it instantly hit that spot in me....where it turned me on from my head to my toes. My nipples went from soft to hard and I had little goose pimples on my body from just that sensation. Master and I hadn't had any other SM play so it had just been that pull on the hair that made me wet instantly.

Master tugged on my hair just a little harder and then slapped me HARD. An orgasm ripped through my body fast. I haven't had that happen in a while where I came just from my hair being pulled and one single hard slap to the face. But damn it was good. And it kept me dripping wet all day long and so needful that I masturbated about 5 times.

Master's Moods

2011-05-21T21:07:00.000-06:00

There is a thread on FetLife about how slaves pick up and react to their Owner's moods. This has always been a problem for me with Master. When he didn't have his own business and worked outside the home, his hours were insane and he was always stressed so he would come home cranky quite a bit and whatever he was feeling quickly became how I felt too. It was hard for me to not to take his moods personally too. I often felt as though he was mad at me even though logically I knew it was his job. But his demeanor along with the mood just made it feel like he was mad at me. So it was hard for me to shake off.

At one point I started to try be so cheerful and happy that it would help his mood but it didn't usually help his mood. And just frustrated me and made me cranky too. I only found 2 things that helped make get him out of that mood but both are hard to accomplish when he is cranky. It took a lot of clever and cunning work on my part and timing - timing had to perfect - and that was to make him laugh. And I am not a funny person. I just don't make people laugh so it takes lot thought on my part and timing to get it done right. And when Master is mad not a lot of things seem funny to him so again takes just the right things to make him laugh. And the other thing that will work but again timing has to be right is to coax him out of his pants so I can give him a blowjob. A blowjob does wonders for his mood. :)

Now that he works at home - he is cranky less often but when he is, I am still a sponge soaking up his mood. He gets up before me and if I get up in a good mood and he is in bad mood - it can ruin my whole day even if he gets in a better mood by the end of the day. I have had depression on and off my whole life and unfortunately sometimes that mood can make me sink. I just get really spiraling into it. And again even though he might get out of the mood - doesn't mean I do. I just have trouble pulling myself out at times.

We also have to add in that we are in a poly relationship because it of course works that if he is having problems in his other relationship that can bleed into ours. And that is hard to deal when he becomes distracted and moody because of it. And vice versa - he and I are having a problem and it bleeds to them. And is distracted and moody with her. So it becomes a chain reaction.

I think it common that those in relationships feel the moods of others in the relationship. I know that Master at times feels my moods too. For us though we try to be open and clear about what we are feeling so that the other person knows it isn't there stuff. Master will tell me that he isn't mad at me that he is having a bad day with work things and that helps me not soak those emotions up as much. Or I just ask what is going on to see if I can help and then help and if not it helps me take a step back from it. Of course it doesn't always work as I said above I have a history of depression so I can get caught into the spiral of emotions. But trying is what matters. And keep trying is what matters. And sometimes it works.

Fast

2011-05-13T00:43:00.001-06:00

A list as my life is going all too fast these days.....

* We have lots of work and I am so thankful! Our business is going good. And that is very good. We are however very tired and stressed because of all the work.

* I am thinking of doing Eden Fantasy reviews :)

* Master is seeing someone kind of localish. He has known her for over a year. We have all 3 spent time together...but I am still in the getting to know her phase.

* We (as in all 3 of us) went and had a day trip on Sunday together. We packed a picnic and had it next to a waterfall up in the mountains. I made a pasta salad that I will be posting the easy recipe on domestic servitude next week.

* Last Friday was the year anniversary of my Uncle dying. And I did okay.

* Sunday will be a year since Kam died. I have processed a lot of anger and unresolved feelings with Kam in this last year and am thinking that I should do a little ritual or at least sit down and do something for me...for us to help let that go more formally.

* I downloaded photos from my camera the other day and found quite a few photos for recipes I need to post to domestic servitude.

The Nun's Story

2011-05-04T11:22:00.002-06:00

The Nun's Story is a movie which stars Audrey Hepburn. I checked it out from the library when I decided I wanted to do an Audrey Hepburn movie extravaganza one weekend. The Nun's Story was one of the few Audrey Hepburn movies I hadn't seen though.

I have always had a fascination with nuns even though I am not catholic. On A&E years and years ago there was a mini-series called Brides of Christ that aired late at night. I happened to have insomnia the first night it aired so that worked out good for me. I stayed up watching it and knew I wanted to see the rest of the mini-series so I taped it it (back in the ages of VHS). And I ended up watching it over and over again. I am not sure what happened to the tape when I got divorced but I do remember for a very long time watching that tape with great fascination and I think the word I want is longing. I felt a longing to feel what they felt...that devotion and dedication.

Like Brides of Christ, I watched The Nun's Story many many times before I returned it to the library. Today as a slave, I relate to The Nun's Story in the same fascination but also with a knowing knowledge now - even if coming from a different form of devotion and dedication. And The Nun's Story I was particularly drawn to because not only her devotion but her inherent struggles that came with that devotion - even seemingly walking side by side with each other.

In the Nun's Story Sister Luke struggles between her passion to be a nun and her passion of being a nurse and helping sick people. It is explained to Sister Luke that no matter if she is with a patient or not that she has to stop when the bells toll to go to her prayer services. And it often frustrated her because here is in the middle of helping this patient - doing something so important for someone and she has to stop. She doesn't understand why God wouldn't understand that this is important. But when she is transfered to the Congo she often calls and gets excused so that she doesn't have to leave her nursing duties to go pray. She calls more and more to get excused to stay with her nursing duties over her duties as a nun. A doctor there calls her a Worldly Nun. One who is devoted to God but has curiosity of the world. And I think that accurately described her.

In the end she finally leaves her life as a nun when the war breaks out as she can't reconcile her feelings of helping one side of the war when the nuns are suppose to remain neutral. The ending and how she has to leave as a nun was very interesting - very much alone as though this family she had for year in the abbey has disowned her. And that is really what they did I guess.

I am always Master's slave, but I do have a curiosity for things that I feel I am missing out on because of being Master's slave. And it isn't that I want to give up being Master's slave. Just as Sister Luke tried to work between being a passionate about both being a nun and a nurse and not having it work, I am just not sure it is possible for me to have both. So I struggle.

I love being Master's slave. I just wish after 8 years I could find balance. I think it actually gets harder for me to find that balance the longer I am in service. Odd as that sounds. When I was first in service, everything was bright and shiny and cleaning Master's toilet was the center of my universe and I smiled joyfully at the thought of cleaning his toilet. I am sorry but 8 years later - it is just cleaning his toilet to keep it clean and knowing it will enhance his life with that service so he doesn't have to do it. No smiling joyfully while cleaning it anymore....just keeping it real folks. I know that it might be different for others just as in the Nun's Story and in the Brides of Christ some nuns seem to not struggle as much others but I am someone who questions and looks at the world around me with exactly what the doctor said in the movie - curiosity. I like being of the world. And often with M/s it seems it becomes the world. The M/s relationship is the world for the slave. But just like the nuns that struggle who still want to be nuns - I still want to be a slave. I just wish to find balance. And maybe that isn't possible. That is something I have really been trying to find this past year.

Friendship

2011-04-06T22:32:00.003-06:00

We were in Target on Saturday - one of my favorite stores! And several of their employees had t-shirts on that say:

"real passion
real commitment
real difference"

And it reminded me of the couple we had lunch with just moments before.

A week before we met a like-minded couple that were thinking of moving to our town. We had coffee with them and talked for over 2 hours. It was such a pleasure to get to know them as they were so nice. And that slogan from Target made me think of them as they have a passion for the lifestyle, they have a commitment to each other and they have made a real difference in each others lives and now ours - even in just 2 meetings.

After coffee, we set up to have lunch and had lunch that lasted just as long as coffee the week before. When we confirmed lunch the night before, we were told they weren't moving here. And it was such a disappointment. I teared up.

It was really nice to share with like-minded people again. We don't really have a community here (yet*). And one of my things all along in living here has been that I don't have any like-minded friends. In Ohio, I had a lot of FANTASTIC friends! I miss them all so much. And I know I will never be able to replace them but I would love to have some like-minded friends here. So the thought of having this couple here made me very happy. I just felt us connect in those two meetings so it was sad to hear they weren't going to stay but I totally understood their reasons.

And even though they are not moving here we will keep in touch and are glad we made friends with such a great couple.

This couple has read our blogs. And although I have met others that have read our blogs, it always a little un-nerving to know that they know all these words. Not that there has been much here in the last year or so. But I know this couple has follow our blogs quite a long time as they knew quite a lot about us.

* yet - our town has had a few munches none of them we have been able to attend due to work. They aren't consistent yet either.

What else can I tell you....I always have well meaning intentions to write here. I have a lot of posts in my drafts. I just never get time to come back and finish them. But always hope. I had a few people even write me - with some questions in March hoping I would be doing March Questions. And I really wished I could have done them. I love March Question month. But I have just been so busy with work. So no promises on posting.

I need to get a recipe up on domestic servitude soon as I made the most amazing bars a few weeks ago. I am still dreaming of them.

If you don't follow Master, he has had some really good blog entries. Especially the most current one on poly. I suggest you take a look at them - pretty please!

Holiday

2010-12-23T12:36:00.005-07:00

This is will be a list of life...

* Master hand wrote me a love letter last weekend. I feel very blessed to be owned by such an amazing man. We really get the mushy romantic times and the fun sick SM too. It is having our caking and eating it too! yay us!

* I have been having a rough Christmas season. My Christmas spirit has been lost. But I know that is normal after such a hard year of loss.

* But finally last night I started to get into it. Excited. I went through the motions for weeks - doing baking, making just a few things, getting the house decorated but it wasn't until baking one final batch of cookies that I started singing with the holiday music and smelling the aroma of warm cookies baking that I started to feel excited about the holidays.

* Master and I are going to go look at lights tonight - one of our favorite holiday traditions. We grab starbucks and then drive around looking at lights. We got a little preview the other night that was good but also funny. There were 2 houses with lots of lights and the the house before it only had a few lights in the window but as we were going past it I noticed the lights were shaped into an arrow and a word above the arrow. I couldn't make the word out. You know those optical illusion posters - I never see it. And that is how I felt trying to figure out the word so I pointed it out to Master. He figured it out - it had an arrow pointing to the 2 festive houses with the word DITTO above it.

* Someone left a comment yesterday and then deleted their comment. They linked me to a thread about me. It was the usual things I have heard before and won't give it anymore time then I just did by reading the thread. But I would love to chat with the person that left me the comment. Please feel free to email me at danaewhispering@yahoo.com

* Not sure if you have noticed yet but I have reposted a few older posts. I am basically reposting some of my favorites. And I am going to continue to do that through 2011.

* It is one of my good friends from Ohio's birthday today so sending her birthday love! I love you Moni and hope you have a beautiful day celebrating YOU!

Wishing you and yours holidays filled with joy and love!

Favorite Client

2010-12-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

A repost of 5/25/09 post:
So I watched a movie this afternoon while doing other things and it made me think of one of my favorite clients.

For those of you that don't know...I was an escort. Yes, it was sex. And yes I enjoyed it.

There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the community. And he did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person really well. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and light spanking but that was about it.

So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Some from the bottom and others from the top. I had one gentleman that talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was usual as they usually were to shy to bring it up. He had a reference for me and he gave me all of his info that I required and so I checked him out and set a date.

Our first date he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really a usual thing. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.

He was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He told me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise or talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left.

After that all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him...

I would be dressed in something slutty sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. Ad then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). And then it was straight to sex....often a blow job to start. He would push me to my knees and then move to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. And at times do some spanking. He would talk dirty too. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!

So for some randomness about him...

* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.
* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/little girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He would say I was a naughty girl while we were having sex and I always knew that was my only time to talk. I never thought with someone just random - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I was able too. Plus again he was older then me and all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me. And I never expected that because of my past.
* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.
* He turned me on...him...how he looked - naked even more of a turn on, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into me...it was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.

Out of Touch

2010-12-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

I know I have a ton of emails to reply to but I just can't get to them all right now. Please know I will - as soon as I can. I just didn't want anyone to think I am purposely ignoring them. I am just very busy - as it is that time of year.

Bruised

2010-11-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

Repost from July 26, 2003

Well, I am officially pmsing...I cried more today then I have in the last month lol

Master just made a comment last week that I was not crying as much....I cry really easy and lately I have not cried much..unless I was crying from pain He was inflicting on me - those tears He always welcomes.

The day had a rough start. And I think I am still processing some of it. But over all weekends with Master I always love. I like having ALL day with Him. And we had a good day of use and abuse. I feel like a well used slut.

Among the many highlights of my day with Master...He came on my face today, then used my hair to wipe up access - then after that He spit in on my face. Then of course we had our ritual shower where I drank some of His piss.

Another highlight of today....that is at times a controversial subject...in some circles.

I have a bruise on my face plus a split lip. The bruise is much littler then the one I had with M. But this one is actually more noticeable. My split lip though is only noticeable at this point when my mouth is open. The things we do...always amaze me how well I take them when coming from Master. I do admit though when we were first together every time He raised His hand near my face I flinched. Now I really don't seem to do that anymore. Usually though we are playing and so I think I expect it. But even then I used to flinch. I don't now though. He slaps me lots so --- it something that I can pretty much guess will happen when we play. He enjoys slapping me and I enjoy it too. It does seem to put me in a very docile and even more demure headspace.

I like looking at all the marks on my body...I have them on my breasts and arms and now my face.

I got a little worried for a moment as Master and I are going to a wedding tomorrow morning. A co-worker's wedding, so several of His co-workers will be there and see me. Master told me not to worry about it. So, I am not going too.

Tonight as dinner time was coming about - I was tooooooo fuzzy to make dinner so Master took me out for dinner to a place we went in February - where He and I discussed me moving to be with Him full-time. It is so odd that He mentioned that tonight in the restaurant because I had just been thinking of that day early in the morning.

I am very glad Master asked me to come here...I am home. I love Master so much....I always amazed the feelings that go through me each moment of the day with Him.

10 Years of Blogging

2010-10-27T16:48:00.003-06:00

I have had my blog open all day rereading old entries. I remember clearly the night I set the blog up. I was living in Cleveland at the time. The main computer was in my Sir's bedroom. He was sleeping so I just had the light of the monitor shining. But I had been reading several blogs that evening. And I thought why not. I thought about how putting it all out there would keep me true to myself. And I admit it - it was a hope for some validation....that I wasn't the only one out there feeling the things I felt, thinking the thoughts I did and just struggling with where to be going in this life.

My life wasn't in a place I liked. My primary relationship was tearing me apart. The only thing I was enjoying was my work as an escort. My life was in a place of transition. So what was the perfect way to figure things out? Writing was the answer for me. And so I started this blog 10 years ago.

It has been a quite a journey - struggles, being neurotic, many different relationships, searching for someone who could enslave me, sharing things I shouldn't have, sharing in anger, joy, sadness and every emotion under the sun. I have exposed myself through my words and some pictures too.

I am glad I have kept it around this long. I hope to continue to blog for a very long time. I am thankful that I have met many people face to face as well as online because of this blog. I am thankful for everyone that reads, sends emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Giveaway: $45 from CSN Stores

2010-10-21T12:26:00.002-06:00

Domestic Servitude blog is doing a giveaway for a $45 gift certificate that can be used at any of the CSN stores.

http://domesticservitude.blogspot.com/2010/10/csn-giveaway.html

You can enter up to 4 times with each of the 4 options!

The drawing ends Nov. 1st

Good Luck!

Tumblr

2010-10-04T18:14:00.002-06:00

I had someone tell me that I shouldn't have posted a certain photo because it is dangerous.

I post photos that turn me on, interest me, set my fantasies on fire (pun intended - look at photo), shock me, disturb me.....basically anything that catches my eye might end up on my tumblr. I think many things I post could be considered dangerous. I think many things I do are dangerous. But I think we are all adults so we can use our common sense on what to do or not to do.

I don't want to be the person that says what you are doing is wrong or dangerous. We all know the risks of playing. We all have to find our own lines. Also just because I fantasize about it or think something is hot doesn't mean I do it.

The photo in question turns me on. It hits buttons that say this is dangerous. And danger creates fear that turns me on. Some things that are dangerous and scare me - I do and others I don't. But even if I never have that thing done - it still turns me on. And so I post it. I won't stop posting what catches my eye.

Control of Emotions

2010-09-03T08:40:00.002-06:00

From an old Daily OM:

"As we analyze what lies at the root of our emotions, we can regain control over our moods and live each day in a more conscious, participatory fashion. The intensity of our feelings can be paralyzing, and their impact upon our choices and preferences astounding. Their power lies in their mysteriousness, however. Thus, when we seek to uncover the origin of our emotions, we strip them of their ability to interfere with our actions and reactions. The greater our understanding of ourselves, the more control we have over how we address challenging or unexpected circumstances. We can then look to reality for guidance and to our emotions for release. As you search your soul for answers today, you come to understand that you control your feelings."

I try to not let my emotions interfere with my service as Master's slave. It is hard. Sometimes I can do it and many times I can't. I am a very emotional person. I am lead by emotions so often the emotions control how(not if or when just how) I do whatever Master has told me to do. And yes I don't always like to do what he wants or says. I always do what Master says but I don't always do it with...well grace. So I really this Daily Om is something I should read often so that maybe I can understand how to control my emotions - because again as I have said often - really when it comes down to it I want to serve Master so the emotion is a reaction to the moment but not really what I want at my core. So if I could control the emotions to match what I want - that would be great.

Is it possible? Has anyone been able to do this?

Fat

2010-09-01T11:23:00.000-06:00

Warning this is just a rambling of thoughts after taking a survey. They aren't really linked together. They are just thoughts I had while taking it.

I was filling out a survey that Hanne Blank is asking people to fill out for a seconf volume of her book Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them. I read the first one AGES ago and used it but then lent it to a friend and you know the story - gone never to be seen again. Anyway the questions were not only for those that are big but those who have had big sexual partners.

The survey just brought up lots of random thoughts....and sharing a few of them....

* I once had an escort client be with me just because he had never been with a fat girl. After he was with me he said he didn't want to be with a fat girl again. He said to my face which I was thankful for because I knew he wouldn't trash me on the online forums - and ruin my reputation. He said the usual platitudes of "You have a pretty face - too bad you are fat." But he also liked that I did anal though and it is hard to find escorts that do anal - so eventually I heard from him again wanting to do anal. He booked me several more times just because I did anal. He eventually said that he liked I was fat as he didn't feel he needed to be gentle with me - he didn't feel I would break with rough sex. But he also added he would still never date a fat girl.

* I also once had a friend with benefits that only dated skinny women - mostly strippers. Yet we had great sex and we just had a lot of fun hanging out together but we weren't ever more then that - friends with benefits. I knew he would never be seen together dating because I was big. But I still enjoyed his company and the sex so I saw him. I had a girlfriend (girl who was not just a friend but someone I dated) - at the time that knew about him and asked me once why he and I didn't date as we talked on the phone a lot, we had sex and seemed to have great chemistry and I told her that he only dated thin girls and she was horrified that I had sex with someone like that.

He really liked strippers - just like some men like blondes and some women are attracted to only tall men. It is just preferences to me. My preferences tend to be geared towards personality things.

Oh and the same girlfriend ironically couldn't believe that I had dated people who weren't big. I have had girlfriends who wore size 0 jeans. I have had bigger partners and every other size in between. Size just isn't really an issue for me.

* I know often bigger people get upset when others say they aren't attracted to big people. And I understand - it hurts feelings. I have also seen some get upset about that yet do the same time and say they are only attracted to thin persons. I don't get that.

* I like fat/size acceptance but I don't like it when it becomes unbalanced. Such as often you will hear that a real woman has curves. I know many women who I consider beautiful and sexy and they don't have curves. A woman isn't just a woman because she has curves. I often don't join groups that are just for big people because of that. I want groups to be all inclusive to me.

* I have had dominant partners that have called me fat often - as humiliation. And it hurt emotionally but it turned me on.

* I was in a relationship with a dominant once where I was attracted to his dominance and thus that made him attractive to me. I really have to respond to someone's personality - just an aspect or overall personality to be attracted to them. So size really isn't an issue to me.

(I wrote this before I left on vacation but didn't get it posted - so posting now)

To There and Back Again

2010-08-31T21:40:00.002-06:00

I left at the end of July to visit my family. And arrived back home almost 3 weeks later and then we had to out of town for work right away. And rush back for work here at home too. So I was feelings as though I am not sure which way is up but finally this week feels a little bit more stable.

I went home as I had several family functions to attend. One was finally being able to get some closure for my Uncle's death. Still grieving of course but Master said he has noticed that I seem to be better then I was before I left. I see some of that but I almost feel like when is the other shoe going to drop.

This year has been really hard. And so there haven't been many blog posts. And I feel a little bad about that - only because the end of next month I will celebrate 10 years of writing this blog. Which send my brain into a WTF moment as really? Really I have written for 10 years in a public forum like this? For someone as shy as myself - it really does boggle my mind. Anyway - because I haven't had many blog posts this past year...I think about not blogging anymore (except on Domestic Servitude). But really truthfully I just don't think I can give it up. I like writing....purging feelings and thoughts here helps me be true to myself and gives me sometimes a perspective I don't get when it is rattling around in my head. So....at this moment still blogging - just hasn't been a lot this year and understandably so with all the stress I have had this year.

So I will just take the blogging thing as it comes to me...

While home, I got to see the Eat Pray Love movie which is one of my favorite books. It was a girls night out and it was very nice. Dinner, drinks and the movie. I really enjoyed the movie. I am one of these people that can take the movie for a movie that stands alone without the book. And vice versa a book doesn't need to match the movie. So I went in with an open mind but knew that they would never be able to capture the intensity of the book. And so knew I wanted to enjoy the movie just for itself. And I did!

Three of the people I went with hadn't read the book and two of them didn't like it as much as the rest of us that had read the book. One person was confused on like how Liz decided to do the trip in the first place and the transitions from each place - she didn't like either. The other didn't like it because she felt it was too spiritual and considers all things spiritual new agey so for her the movie was new agey. Myself and the other person that read the book - really liked the movie.

If you are wanting to see it and want it to be exactly like the book - don't see it. It will probably disappoint you. If you understand that they can't capture the intensity of the emotions book due to some of it is just not possible to do for the screen but also because of length of the movie would have been too long - then go see it. I think Julia Roberts was really good person to play Liz Gilbert. And I think they captures many wonderful moments of the book. Many of my favorites parts or quotes got in the movie.

Such as this one...this quote is from the section on Italy - Chapter 25 (Bead 25) page 75. Liz is talking about all the changes the Augusteum has went through. But I like what the message of the quote....

"It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough -- but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

Entertainment Weekly had an article on Eat Pray Love the week it came out. And one thing I found out was Richard Jenkins who plays Richard at the Ashram talked to the real Richard before going to film and said it was the best 45 minute phone call he ever had. But he went on to say that he was sorry that Richard died before being able to see the movie. That made me sad to think that Richard is gone. He died of a heart attack.

And last but not least...OH MY Javiar Bardem....SO SEXY. He definitely made the movie better. And the one person that didn't like the new ageiness of the movie - even commented on the sexiness of Javiar.

I liked the movie. I would see it again. And I will want to have it when it comes out on DVD.

"Can I move in this weekend?"

2010-07-01T14:02:00.001-06:00

Master went on a business trip the beginning of May. But right before he left he had chatted with a girl who wanted to move in. Now I don't know lots of details such as if he messaged her or how he became talking to her but I do know he had only talked to her once and she was asking to move in.

I often think do I live in a reality where someone really thinks that is possible? That we are really going to let a person we don't know except for one online chat conversation, move in? And why on earth would she want to move in with people she doesn't know anything about?

But then I do remember when lived in the poly household....

I was really sick...sick to the point that my doctor said if I had waited one more day to come in - I could have been dead. I was in bed groggy and out of it because I was on pain killers and the door opened - my dominant at that time wanted me to talk on the phone to someone he had been talking to. So I talked to her and she is very nice. Towards the end of the conversation she says, "I just can't wait to meet you tomorrow. I know you are sick so I will be able to take care of you." I was stunned. I had just heard that he had chatted with this person a few times the day before. He hadn't even expressed that she was a real interest just that he was chatting with someone new. And then I find out she is moving in the next day and I find it out from HER not HIM. So here I am sick as a dog and the house was a huge mess because I had been so sick for so long.... and now we had someone new moving in with her teenage daughter into our 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment. Yeah I was really excited about that...

But...

Thankfully I ended up liking her a lot. You know there is always some problems in relationships - so ours wasn't any different. But for big picture - we cared about each other and got along.

So back to the present....
Okay so this girl who lives several hours away, wants to move in this weekend. Her Master and his wife decided they don't want to do the lifestyle anymore so she needs to move out. So this girl asked Master to make her his slave and move her in the next weekend.

Master came in after his conversation with him - straight faced to tell me he was moving in a slave. He did it to see the look on my face. I knew he was kidding because he wouldn't ever move in someone he didn't know and more importantly I didn't know but I still made the face - like you got to be out of your mind if you think that is going to happen. Yep I have those thoughts. Master couldn't believe she was asking either.

Master checked on her a few weeks later just to see if she found anyone that would do that because he was curious. And she ended up moving in with a former Master.

But Master will still at time just tell me hey I am going to be pick up that slave now - just to get me going. He loves ramping me up on these topics that just annoy me just to see my feathers get ruffled.

...then there was giggling

2010-06-19T11:47:00.003-06:00

We were suppose to be meeting someone Tuesday but she flaked. Why? We have no idea. Gut saying she had someone already in the picture and we were her back up plan. When we wanted to take it to that next step, she knew she couldn't go there as she was already involved with someone so flaked.

Because of her flaking, Master was pretty bummed yesterday. After being out most of the afternoon, we came back - and played. So that Master could get some of his frustrations out. We played for several hours. We did things kind of in reverse from our usual play. Usually we kind of play with some slapping, punching and stuff like that before we have sex and orgasm. This time Master had me in naked except for a hood and black opera length gloves - which is pretty much standard. And I gave him a hand job with the gloves on. After he had an orgasm, he then played with me hurting my cunt and giving me LOTS of orgasms. And then after that we played more. Which is unusual for us after we have orgasms. He caned, spanked, slapped, grabbed and punched me. He covered pretty much the length of my whole body. After I was flying pretty high, I was going from crying to giggling and looking at the pretty lights above our bed.

We were both feeling pretty good but I was also STARVING by this time. And was wishing we lived in a bigger city so that Chinese take out would be delivered to us...well not delivered to us in bed but damn that would have been nice last night. Instead we got dressed and went to grab it since we live in a smaller town. By the time we ate it was 9pm. We had started playing about 5:30pm maybe 5:45.

My cunt today still stings and hurts from all the pain Master inflicted on it. And my bottom and shoulders are hurting.

Slashy Writing and Third Person Speech

2010-06-08T12:41:00.004-06:00

There was a post over on FetLife about slashy writing and third person speech. And I thought I would post my reply here...

I don't like slashy writing and I am thankful Master doesn't have me do it. I have to confess that often when I see a post using it, I often skip it rather then have to figure out.

Third person speak - for me personally - I don't find it would beneficial. If I need something to keep me in my head space or to help me think about my speech to Master at this point in our life, then I think there would be bigger issues at hand.

If we were early on in our relationship, I might see how it helps me choose my words more carefully. But I know he wouldn't have had me do it on a public forum for others to read but just to him.

I am quiet person and being that way has made me often go over things in my head several times before I even speak them out loud. So I don't think it would have done anything for me even then. I also think it probably would have been more of a distraction to the tasks at hand. Because stopping to have to think about what I was going to say to make sure it is in 3rd person would have taken me even more time and I think it would have become tedious to us both waiting on what I could have just said still respectful way but without the 3rd person speech. In that kind of situation for me it - it would make it feel about me. It would feel like a task to feel important even though that is what I am told the 3rd speech is not suppose to do. I know through people Master has talked to about 3rd person speech it doesn't do that for them. But for me - it would make me in the front on display when serving for me is about being unobtrusive and 3rd person speech is very noticeable to me so it makes me notice the slave when I think it is suppose to help show them their place. So if everyone is noticing the person is it really showing them their place? Bottom line is 3rd person speech is noticeable and serving is about being unobtrusive to me.

As someone else said in the replies the times I have come across people using third person speech, it often has come across as "hey look at me, look what my Master has me doing, look how slavely it is making me." Which I don't find to be attractive and would be a poor reflection to me on the Master. And often I do think what kind of dominant is he that he is having her do that because it isn't accomplishing what I think he wanted or what I would hope he wanted.

I want to add in that I think it does make people hot but then why not just do it in private. I get that more - about it making a person hot. So then why make everyone have to read it? As I said about slashy speech above, I skip posts with it. And I do that with 3rd person speech too if it is too hard to read and is coming across as the "hey look at me - I am more slavely than you" type of post.

And only in rare occasions - I can think of one at this moment - it is done in a way that I didn't mind or even notice often

Adding this to my blog post....when I get emails with slashy speech or 3rd person and it is too hard for me to read, I often don't reply at all because I don't understand the email enough to give a reply. And instead writing back saying I can't understand your slashy or 3rd person speech, I just don't reply because I don't want you to get upset and defensive about it. And maybe you wouldn't but in the past some have so I just have gone to not answering them at all.

Getting By

2010-06-01T23:41:00.004-06:00

I pretty much just getting by each day. Lots of tears and sadness. I have done things like reorganized my whole studio - going through every box and bin and if you had ever been in my studio you know this was a tedious job. But I just needed it. I needed something to just focus on instead of letting myself get to caught in feelings and thoughts.

While cleaning, I am watching old movies. I am having a problem watching current or more modern movies. The old movies seem to comfort me. Watched many times over: North by Northwest, To Catch a Thief, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Barefoot in the Park, Roman Holiday, Casablanca, Mrs. Miniver, Gigi, An American in Paris and a few other. I have them going almost always. I need the noise.

Master had to go to Austin for business several weeks ago. I am extremely envious that he had a chance to spend 2 evenings with a good friend. But I am glad that he such a nice time talking with a like minded person. We don't have a community here so most of our interaction with kinky people is online. So chatting in person with someone was very refreshing to him. And especially someone who really gets us. So I am happy that he had that chance and especially with this friend. He came home really refreshed in his conversations and I remember that feeling when I lived in Ohio. Especially when I lived with Bill and Angel. We always had good lifestyle talks.

As I said at the beginning...I am just trying to get by day by day. I have good moments. I have down moments.

Such as the other day a little thing sent me into tears. I was writing a card out to my Aunt and I opened my computer document with my addresses and it had my Uncle's name and my Aunt's....and I changed it to just my Aunt's name. And it was hard.

I also had another loss. My former Master died within 10 days of my Uncle and that has left me, of course, with a kind of roller coaster of emotions.

But some good things....I contacted someone who was involved with him and I - to let her know as I felt she would want to know. We hadn't talked in quite a while and it was good to catch up and really have a good heart to heart. And we both agreed that we are very thankful to him for introducing us and helping create the relationship between us. I feel the same about all my Ohio peeps too - if I hadn't been involved with him - I would have never met them.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, emailed, left messages, sent cards and just been reaching out to me....I appreciate it so much. I am very blessed to have so me many kind and caring people in my life.

My Uncle

2010-05-10T14:04:00.003-06:00

Master was out of town last week. While he was, my Uncle went to hospice. So I started to resolve myself that I wouldn't see him again. And I didn't. The day after Master came home - my Uncle died. He was surrounded by almost my whole family. I am grateful that he was with family. I miss him so much.

So quiet - here and everywhere else.

Fetish + Music

2010-05-03T00:59:00.000-06:00

A vanilla friend posted this tonight. And she was speechless....well so was I because I was amazed how much fetish wear I saw....

Spinning

2010-04-20T18:07:00.005-06:00

I have had a lot of inquires if everything is okay. And it is okay. I guess I mean I am dealing with things the best I can right now. I am dealing with a TON of family issues. I went to Minnesota to see my Uncle as his cancer is so aggressive. When I came back, I had to deal with some family drama from family in Minnesota. And then Master's Dad's cancer has changed - maybe for the worse. We still are quite clear on that. We also have 2 local friends dealing with cancer. One that really helped/pushed Master to start his business. And the other is a former coworker of Master's - who is giving up her fight with cancer. We also have a lot of work projects. So quite a lot going on that is making it much to busy for me to sit down and write here.

But a good thing I want to write about....

Master. He has been absolutely amazing. He is going through his own family health issues yet he has been a rock for me and my family issues. When I come back from my upcoming trip, he will leave on a business trip. So April we will have seen each other about 12 days. And I know that is hard on both of us. But I am really grateful to Master as looking around the house you can tell I haven't been here much. And he is very tolerant and understanding of the situation. I am so blessed to have someone that really supports me. I love you Master!

Life

2010-03-26T02:15:00.002-06:00

I know I have a ton more questions to answer but it probably won't happen until April. And they will be scattered throughout April and possibly going to May...because...

One of my favorite Uncles has cancer. It diagnosed late (many reasons for this - not any of it his fault he was going to the doctors) and it spread all throughout his body. He doesn't have long. So I am going home because I want to see him before he goes. He is young and it is sad and scary.

Then when I get home I will be here for just under two weeks before I head to North Carolina to visit a good friend. I will be there a week...and finally home hopefully for a bit.

So since the news of my Uncle, I just have been busting my ass to get things in order to hopefully make Master's life easier while I am gone. He is wishing he could go with me but I understand completely why he can't. I will miss him bunches.

March Questions: Transition

2010-03-23T18:36:00.002-06:00

How do you transition from being very independent and having so much freedom to being a live-in slave? I didn't even consider that being a slave would ever be a part of my life and now I am am a slave. Although I love being my Master's slave, I am struggling with the lack of freedom.

I am going to start by saying the same thing I say in practically every post where someone asks me for advice....

Really transitioning is different for each person so something that has worked for me might not work for you. But please know that going from being "free" to being a slave - no matter how much you want it - still is a struggle. It is hard to let go of those freedoms even though we want to serve and please. So what you are going through is normal. For me, keeping that in mind helps. When I struggle and know that the struggle is a normal thing - it helps me let go of it. Or see it more clearly as a normal part of the phase.

I then think about why am I struggling is coming up. Is it just in certain situations? What sparks it and then try to analyze why you struggle with it? Then talk through it logically to yourself. Often when I take things apart a bit I can see that I am being totally illogical. Such as I might have a fear I am losing myself but when I actually look at the situation has there been anything to show I am losing myself? And almost all the time that answer is no.

Talk to your Master and share the struggles with him. Such as the scenario above - if you do feel you are losing yourself - talk to him about it? What things are making you feel that way? Is there any solution to help you not feel that way?

Next reminding myself that I want this during those moments helps also. It seems pretty silly. And it may be but saying that when I struggling with something I want so much helps because in the moment I think it can be easy to forget because our fears or doubts creep up and override our real intentions.

Take one step at time. Sometime we want it all so much that we get going too fast and end up overwhelmed by the reality. And then the struggles come up faster. But when we take it slow and just let each part of the transition get into place and feel good - those struggles happen less or at least just one at time instead of being barraged with them. And if you do feel things are going too fast - again talk to your Master about it.

As I said at the beginning it really is different for each person. But first and foremost know that struggles are a normal part of the transition.

March Questions: Giving Up Things for Him

2010-03-22T23:42:00.001-06:00

are there dreams or desires you have/have had for yourself that you, by being His slave, have had to leave to His choice whether you'll ever have opportunity to realize? what if you want something he doesn't? are you supposed to be satisfied with the idea you'll never have it? are you able to blindly dismiss your own desires and simply trust that whatever He does/doesn't want should just be sufficient to meet your needs?

I can't think of any dreams really that I have had to put aside for him. But desires yes. Some that I will never have the opportunity to realize. I think what happens is that you learn that some things are more important then others. Is it really okay that I give up being gang banged again to be in a relationship where I can serve in ways I never have before and fulfill me? I think that is an easy choice. I think no matter if we are in vanilla relationships or M/s, we all have things we won't ever have the opportunity to realize - it is just weighing how much that means to you in the over all scheme of things. And yes I do think that I have to trust that whatever he does/doesn't want should be sufficient to meet my needs. BUT if it isn't then I need to discuss that with him and hopefully we come up with answer or solution. In the rare occasion it is just something I have to suck up and deal with but again it is weighing what I have in this relationship verses the things I don't and knowing that the things I get out-weigh those things I don't get. Also sometimes having to suck it up - and just deal - gives me something. It makes me feel like I am really doing what he desires and pleasing him fulfills me. But always I discuss if/when needs aren't being met. Master's door is always open and he wants me to discuss anything with him.

March Questions: Poly

2010-03-18T23:41:00.002-06:00

my Master and i are thinking about bringing another slave into our life.. do you have any do's and dont's for a poly relationship?

Okay these are what work for me and I know not all of them will work for others. Your relationship might not be seeking the same kind of poly set up that we are looking for - a triad. So some of these are general poly tips but some will be geared towards triads. And I am sure I come across negative against d-types but s-types do the same things. I am just wording them from my point of view - my experiences. So all of this can apply to the s-type.

* Really search yourself. Know if you are ready for poly or even want to explore poly. And be honest about it. If you don't think you are poly, say it. Just because I am submissive doesn't mean I shouldn't voice my issues. And I have seen many s-types that just follow without saying I don't think I am poly. It is okay to not be poly. Just be honest with yourself and your dominant/partner.

* Be open and honest. If you are having any problems, issues, concerns, reservations - EXPRESS them. If you aren't communicating it, then you can't work through it. And of course the reverse is true too - if the d-type has issues or concerns. Even if it is that you have had to unload the dishwasher the last 3 times even though it was her turn. Yes it sounds like sibling issues. But it still matters that you be honest and discuss it. (I will get into something about this morning down below.)

A few d-types have said to me when I tell them the above...."well she just goes on and on and on about this and that." And well although I know it can get tiresome/bothersome - it seems like so little to me to help your s-type be more secure in exploring poly. By talking about it as much as is needed. Because the more she feels secure the more lasting poly relationship you will have. And if the d-type is really pushing this issue - that he is done talking about it - it would give me red flags. Now I know this isn't the case always. But in my experience if this happens then I feel there are bigger problems in the relationship going on.

For d-types be honest too - if you are just wanting to explore poly for sex. Say it. Nothing wrong with just wanting to have sex with others - but again be honest. Also be honest about what is going on with you and the other person - if you went and saw the other person and played be honest. Yes I have heard well I didn't want to her feelings to be hurt - but hurting her feeling verses lying - what is the bigger problem here? Lying always. Hurt feelings can be worked through by communicating and being honest upfront. Lying and her finding out is a harder one to overcome as you are setting up long term trust issue from then on.

* If you are having problems in your relationship, it is my opinion to not start searching for another to add to the relationship. Poly isn't a fix it. It is just like a vanilla couple having a kid - thinking it will bring them closer. Poly can bring you closer but that usually happens when a couple has a strong foundation in the first place. Or during new relationship energy - but after that fades away the problems will come back up. And often if you are thinking poly is a fix it - bringing another in will just make those problems bigger and more complex or out of control.

* Make sure you talk about how you want things to go and problems that might come up for you both. Such as for us it is a must that we both meet the person at the same time. The reasoning for us is that it starts out on the same footing. If Master meets the person first, then I am coming in late to the party. They have had that first meeting getting out the jitters and they are more casual and comfortable with each other and then I am the odd man out feeling uncomfortable and will most likely feel like a third wheel. And if I met her first then it might feel that way for Master. (The hardest thing to deal with for me is here.)

* Group meetings dates are good, but remember to get to know the person on your own too. I think it is important for each person to have a bond and relationship with the new person. In one of my past poly relationship, the other s-type and I had lots of one on one time but I wasn't getting hardly anyway one on one time with the d-type. So it felt very unbalanced. Especially in a power dynamic.

Now some D/s geared advice...
* Respect the relationship flow. If he is the one in control - then he is the one in control. And respect that flow of power. If the "primary" submissive is giving the new submissive orders then it can be very confusing. There is a difference between helping and making suggestions and ordering. Just make sure the motivation to truly help and give suggestions.

* Also if he gives an order and it goes against how you do something then go discuss it with him if you don't like it - don't take it out on her. I have a post somewhere about how I read a post from a submissive who was fuming how the submissive put away laundry wrong and how it would make more work for her. But also even if she just was helping out and trying to serve by doing laundry because the slave was at work - that still was no excuse to yell at her. It would be better to go to the girl and tell her, "Master likes the laundry put away like this." OR if he has no preference it is just your preference say that. And tell her why. Tell her, "It is easier that pants go over here as those are the first thing Master grabs."

* Also use judgment when going to your owner to talk about problems with her. Because maybe you should just be going to her. If the dishes aren't getting done, maybe go to her and ask her if there is anything wrong as you had noticed that dishes hadn't been done by her for 2 times and is there anything you can do to help her. If it is a reoccurring problem then I would say it is time for the owner to step in. But remember we are all adults and should act like it. So it shouldn't be one running to the Master (Dad) telling on her (sister).

* This is for when the other moves in....if she moves in make sure you allow her to make it her home too. This is always Master's home first of course. But many things Master just allows me to use my best judgment. He doesn't care how the kitchen is organized because I am the one using it the most. When someone new joins us, they might have different way to many things - such as organizing the kitchen. And she should have some say in it. And I will need to be open to that her ways might be better then mine. So discuss on how to decorate, arrange and organize together - compromise. Also remember holidays - include her traditions too.

I am sure there are many things I am missing at this moment. But I would talk to others that have poly relationships. There are quite a few poly groups on FetLife too. And also remember some things that are musts for us aren't for you. And the power flow might be set up different too so there are many things that can be different for you and yours. Sometimes it is just making do with the best of your abilities. Talk talk talk is really what is about - as with everything.

I have written about poly quite a bit - our website has several links.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Questions: Sex

2010-03-12T22:35:00.005-07:00

I am grouping several of the sex questions together.

Have you had a treesome (M-F-F)? Have you been with more then one man at a time? 3? 4 ? more? Have you been with more then one woman at a time?

Yes I have had threesomes....several. When I lived in the poly household, I had many. And then as an escort I had several too.

I have been with more then one man at a time, but it was a very long time ago....when I was 18. I haven't had a 3some with two men and myself. But I was gang banged and also done a train - so yes more then 3. But again those were when I was 18. And yes I would love to experience some of those again.

I haven't been with more then one woman at a time. I have made out with more then one girl at time. But not had sex.

Are you loud or quiet during sex?

I have changed back and forth over the years. I was very quiet younger - as I didn't want anyone to hear. Because you know having sex before I was married was a no-no in my family. I then became louder when I was married and didn't care if others heard as being married and having sex was okay. And after I left my husband, the first relationship I had - we met in hotel rooms as it was a long distant relationship and he wanted me to be quiet again. Then when I moved to be with the poly household, it was okay being loud. And he encouraged it so I became loud again. Master is mostly deaf so often I am quieter then usual because I know he won't hear me. That probably sounds odd.

Have you ever given a rim job? Received? I have given and received.

Ass to mouth: yes or no? yes I do ass to mouth.

What sexually would you like right now? Right in this moment?

Well if you follow my tumbler you can often figure out what I am thinking about. I mean yes I plan ahead and queue the photos up but just going over those images that I posted today but had planned several days ago - makes me wet with thoughts to go with them.

But what I have had images of over and over for several months is just the being turned on and brought to that edge over and over again. Through pain and fucked with toys and then finally fucked hard.

Describe your favorite sexual experience outside of your time with your Master? And then with your Master?

I have had many fantastic sexual experiences but the one that always pops to mind when people ask a question like this - is with my ex-husband.

He called me before he got off from work and told me to be kneeling on the bed naked. And to not speak to him or look at him until he told me I could. (BTW this is before we formally exploring D/s) So I heard him come in and talk to the dog. I hear him flipping through the mail. And he went to the bathroom and came into the bedroom and didn't speak to me. He undressed. And I heard him doing a few other things but wasn't for sure what.

He came up behind me and wrapped a silk cord around my neck and started to strangle me. He told talked dirty to me. Telling me that he could smell how wet I was when walked in the door. He let up with the pulling of the cords and played with my pussy. He fingered me bringing me close to orgasm but backing off before I did. And then pulled the cords again. I felt his hard cock pressing against me and would wiggle my ass and back - wanting him to fuck me. He let go for a moment and then tightened and thrust into my ass. He would let tighten and loosen as he fucked me and just as he orgasmed tightened. And tightened enough that I felt I was going to pass out. It was awesome.

I still get wet just thinking about it. You know why I think that time stands out - because I have had similar experiences since but they don't have the meaning that does to me. There was a closeness with us because of the relationship we had together. And that came through sexually.

One of my favorite times with Master is one I have described before....
He had beat me and slapped me until I was a fuzzy mess. I was of course at that point so dripping wet from the pain and wanting to feel him fuck me hard but instead he roughly pulled me off the bed and shoved me in the cage. And then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was agony mixed with pleasure. I wanted so badly to touch him and feel him in my mouth or cunt but the sounds he was making and just watching his hand wrapped around his hard cock....was making me moan with pleasure. I really don't like to beg but I know I was begging at that point to touch and suck him. But he let me moan and drip. When he had his orgasm, he came over and wiped his cum all over my face and tits. Didn't even get to taste. It was so very hot to me.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Questions: Virginity

2010-03-10T14:16:00.001-07:00

How did you lose your virginity? Details please!

Well if you have read back far enough in this journal (and I hope many of you have not as I was so neurotic) - it hints or barely talks about that I didn't lose my virginity consensually. So I usually don't count it as losing my virginity. What I do consider when I lost my virginity....was with the boy I consider my first real boyfriend* when I was 16, Jeff, and I started off with some D/s and SM -- I tried to please him even though I did not realize that was what I was doing. And then he and I were playful when we made-out. He spanked me a few times and I got very wet and turned on. He noticed. When it came time for us to have sex -- first time I had (consensual) sex -- he asked me if he could handcuff me to his bed and I nodded yes. And after that our sex included me being tied up, handcuffed and usually spanking or some type of resistant play was involved.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

* I say first real boyfriend because it was a boy who actually came to pick me up on dates. Where as in jr. high I "went with" boys and you know it was group dates or meeting them at the movie theater or pizza hut or whatever. And then it was also just kissing a light petting. My first real boyfriend it felt more serious and more overtly sexual.

March Questions: Dying + Love

2010-03-10T01:08:00.001-07:00

Are you afraid of dying?
Yes and no. I say that because it depends on the day you ask me. Today not especially. Most days though I am afraid of dying. I have lived a life full of so many experiences but at the same time I feel like I have a lot more to do with my life. So I get scared I might not get the chance.

How many times have you fallen in love?
5 times. I love easily though - although I don't consider falling in love and loving the same. I also don't believe just because someone has left my life that I stop loving them. Such as my ex-husband...I fell in love with him and still love him today. I actually probably still think about him daily because I care about him so much. I have many friends in Ohio that I love and haven't seen them since 2004 but that love hasn't faded at all.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Questions: Blogging

2010-03-07T23:32:00.001-07:00

Why do you blog? Why has your blog posts slowed over the years?

I blog really just to stay true to myself by writing my thoughts. And hopefully by looking back on my life to learn from the mistakes. I also blog just to keep track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember.

When I first started blogging, I wasn't in an Owner/property relationship. I was struggling, searching and just trying to find out what exactly I wanted. So I BLOGGED a lot! Blogging to figure it all out.

Now I am living that life I was searching for so I am more busy serving than writing. I also have blogged for so long it just feels like I have said the same thing over and over. And the same things I still read in other blogs. So...why repeat it all. Sometimes in the moment I feel the need but if I get time to think about it - then I often delete the post just because it is a repeat.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Question Month

2010-03-03T00:45:00.005-07:00

Okay okay I know I got tons of ideas for the 10 minute writings and then I haven't done any yet. I am planning on doing them though. I just have been super busy so not even 10 minutes to sit down and write. There are many things I enjoy falling to the way side. I am even more out of touch with friends then I was and I was out of touch before so you know it is getting bad. I hope to find a way to juggle everything better.

ANYWAY....it is that time of year....

Here are the rules ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments, over on LJ, on tumbler(you can ask anonymously there too) or via email. Comments on LJ are screened so no one else will see them. And tumblr works the same so that the question just gets sent to me and no one else sees it.

Please feel free to ask as many questions as you want. I always enjoy the questions and am fairly open about my life - so ask about anything.

Help Please - 10 Minute writings

2010-02-02T11:19:00.003-07:00

I have a friend that has started 10 minute writings. Sometimes it is just stream of consciousness and other times she uses a prompt. And then she just writes on that subject for 10 minutes. I want help in creating a list of prompts to help me write here....so would you please leave a comment or email me (danaewhispering@yahoo.com) with a topic you would like me to write about. It can be anything from one word prompt to a question or statement. I don't guarantee I will write about it but I usually pretty open to anything.

I know one thing that has stopped me from writing is because at times some subjects seem like subjects I have written about a lot. So it makes me hold back but recently it was pointed out to me that people who are new to my blog or at least haven't read all 9 years of it (those that do oh my you need cookies or cake or something special!) and so haven't read those topics I feel I have written about millions of times. Okay I know not millions but sometimes it feels that way! :)

So please feel free to use any subject or question - even those you think I might have wrote about before because who knows my answer might have changed or maybe it just something you want to know about because you didn't read it the first 10 times (and I don't blame you).

Thank you in advance!

ps: I also have comments screened over at LJ and set it to public and to allow anonymous comments. Screening over at LJ means that only you and I can see them. So when you post it and it gives you a little message that says it is screened and then you can see it. And I can see it and that is all. And you can be anonymous if you prefer.

7 Year Collarversary

2010-02-01T02:03:00.001-07:00

Today marks 7 years as Master's property. I don't have words for it so I will simply say I am very happy to be His. Thank you Master!

Please Support 2009 International Ms. Bootblack

2010-01-08T10:37:00.006-07:00

There is a wonderful woman in the community named Pony. She is title holder for 2009's International Ms. Bootblack and just like other title holders, one of the things that comes with your title is to go to events and make appearance to represent her title.

Pony is also an ordained minister. This past November the church was made aware of her title as International Ms. Bootblack so was let go. Because of this, not only is she out of a job, but she has obviously lost the means to go to events and proudly promote her title.

We all can relate to having to hide in our dungeons and remain anonymous for fear of getting "caught." Wherein the basis of Ms. Bootblack and those that represent the community is to promote freedom of expression in our sexuality, we shouldn't have to be ashamed for what we are and when you read or hear Pony's words, you feel the emotion about how important it is to be out and proud of who we are. Her courageousness to confront this instead of hiding is the reason why I feel that more than ever, we as a community should throw our support for someone who is certainly deserving and proud of the title she honors.

Therefore, I'm asking for you, if you can - to give a little (or a lot) to help Pony deliver her important message at events from coast to coast. If everybody pitches in even just a little - then not only is it going for a good cause, but it also becomes as a victory against those who would rather find flaws in us than substance that binds us. Help us get Pony going!

From 2009 to 2010

2010-01-05T12:02:00.001-07:00

Happy New Year! It is hard to believe it is in 2010. Usually I am one to really self-examine the outgoing year but I am not feeling like it at the moment. I have been so busy since Thanksgiving that I didn't get to do most of the things I do for the holidays so I am feeling kind of off entering the new year. 2009 of course had many good things but it was a hard year because of health and economy. I know 2010 will be better. And glad it is here.

I started rereading Eat Pray Love just before Christmas and am taking my time with it....savoring it. It is what I need right now - it has been my solace during this busy time. And also for ringing in the New Year.

Christmas was at Master's parents. It was a nice day with family. I didn't get to bake as much so my tray was smaller for Christmas day. But one thing I set out that I also made as gifts this year was a hit...."Gourmet" Popcorn....I made butterscotch, chocolate peanut and then a zesty popcorn mix with pretzels. And with all of them I have had really good feedback on such as "you can make more of that for me anytime."

For gifts this year I made bath fizzies, bath soaks, bath cookies (that looked like real cookies), hand-stamped kitchen towels and then the gourmet popcorn (all of which I will posting about over on domestic in the next few months). And as always treat trays. This year at an after Christmas sale at Target, I got quite a few melamine Christmas plates so that I can give treats on them next year.

Not much else to say....just busy working on a website.

I hope everyone has a 2010 full of good health and love and of course kinky sex!

Sit on Santa's Lap

2009-12-27T21:11:00.003-07:00

I know most people have seen it but I am just making sure you have entered the Sit on Santa's Lap at FetLife. The last day to enter is January 4th, 2010 so you want to get over to FetLife and enter before then!

Humiliation - Part 3 of 3

2009-12-21T10:34:00.001-07:00

Recently I was chatting with someone about humiliation. About it being a fine line.

With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run.

So...humiliation with Master....is even a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry in a way that doesn't turn me on and on top of that I have problems moving on from it. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I start crying. Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I start crying. I can't put myself back together.

When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty with a stretched out cunt from being a whore - I will melt into a puddle of goo. And after I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.)

But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....

Such as if Master got up in the morning pulled me out of bed put a hood on me and shoved me in the closet. And then every so often pulled me out - used me, called me names, made me do humiliating things, beat me and/or so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that enjoys suffering and pain and get turned on by that. And it will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. And after the hours or day of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. And recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.

Add into it another complex fact....good or bad emotions as an end result - 3 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. And the same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, humiliation and pain. Period.

But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to him so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So we play there very carefully and not long term. Although we would both like to explore it more.

If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.

Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.

Humiliation - Part 2 of 3

2009-12-18T08:03:00.004-07:00

Questions....
Someone asked me if it takes the sting out of the words in vanilla world/context...

No it doesn't. If someone in Wal-mart were to come up to me and call me fat, I would be very upset - not only hurt but pissed off. I wouldn't be groveling back for more to that person as I often do in a D/s - SM context.

"Do you see humiliation and degradation as a form of emotional masochism? Is it that you enjoy feeling that awful emotional pain, and crave that?"

For me humiliation and degradation go hand and hand with emotional masochism because that is where my humiliation/degradation buttons are....being called worthless or fat is humiliating and also hits a place of emotional pain. I do crave and have strong desires to feel that awful pain of the words tearing into me. I like hearing those things that tear me down. It turns me on.

"How is it a hot experience for you, and not something that emotionally scars you?" With Don - someone I was with when I was 18 - it emotionally harmed me. And I do think that some of my love of emotional masochism comes from my experiences with him. I was very timid and felt horrible things about myself after Don. But I think of those times now - and even in the moment of then - I was very turned on. I think it is intention of the other person that can leave me a mess verses hot. But even if I come out on the other side emotionally messed up....it doesn't mean that it isn't hot for me still. I will get into that in the next post more. I just know that even when those things that have broken me to the point of long term repair needed - I still get turned on. I can think about the things Don did to me and feel all sorts of emotions but I am ready to go masturbate about it right now. As I said in my last post - it is a complex contradiction.

Humiliation - Part 1 of 3

2009-12-17T09:27:00.003-07:00

I have started and deleted probably about 20 posts on humiliation. I have owed a post to a group of people on LJ for months and months (since June just went and looked). It is the number one question I get asked to blog about also.

I really get turned on by humiliation. I like to feel that hitting my core and hurting me. It turns me on. Why...? I am not sure exactly. And I am not sure I want to know why always either. But it is the question I get the most often - why do I like humiliation?

It is a complex contradiction for me. Using this example....I was an escort who men paid money to be with - it was a big boost to self-image. They would pay money just to be with me. I felt sexy and very desired doing that. I know how Master feels about me and when others express their attraction, I believe it. It embarrasses me. But my point is I believe it...I know some find me desirable. I confident I know how to turn someone on. Again I did get paid to do that. :)

So I can say all that and mean it and believe it...

BUT...

On the other hand I know I am fat. I see the stretch marks and hear the things in my head that say... "you are not desirable. You are fat. You are not sexy - You are fat." I can even twist the escorting things around saying they wanted to see what it was like to be with a big girl...(although I know that isn't true for many of my repeat customers but I can still twist it.) And I can go on and on with the the negatives. And I believe those too.

I believe the good but at the core there are those other things whispered sometimes loudly. And so it is a complex contradiction that makes up me.

So why do I like to have those negatives used against me....

For one I think it is like the person who is saying them can honestly see me and still is here with me. He can admit those dark things said inside me and use it against me - but he isn't walking away because I am fat. It is like that person is seeing the core. We have the good the bad and the ugly and he see the ugly. The parts I don't show to anyone.

Next I am an emotional masochist. I like to suffer and although I like the physical sensation of suffering - I like it often combined with the emotional pain too. I like to be brought to tears and hear and believe the things being said. It is like it is being torn from inside me and pushed in my face to see. It allows me to take those things I think and feel on the inside and see them almost differently or not really differently but out in the light instead of the dark. It lets me at times let go of the things being said. Makes them not so big or bad. Other times it doesn't though - they stay right where they are at - the same feelings and thoughts I have had for a long time and will keep on feeling and thinking them. And all the while I am crying and my feelings are hurt and the ugliness of the words are in my face....I am turned on. I so want to be pushed on my knees and suck his cock or pushed on to my knees and feel my body slamming into that mattress as I am fucked.

I am this way...I don't know if it has to do with my trauma's from my childhood or with Don (a relationship I was in when I was 18 that was heavy SM). I just know it turns me on. And there is a fine line but I am willing to walk it.

Splitting this into 3 posts - next post answering some questions and third post going into walking of fine line of humiliation.

don't go out alone + life update

2009-12-09T09:41:00.002-07:00

I don't go anywhere without Master. Now I didn't think most of our vanilla friends really knew that or understood it. I guess I didn't think it was so obvious or so apparent. But something happened that kind of brought home to me that they do notice/know....I was walking out of the post office towards the parked car with Master waiting for me. A friend of ours was coming down the street towards me. He immediately looked for where Master was...knew he must be parked near. And then when we neared he said, "I was going to grab you and see how long it took M to get here but then noticed he was closer then I thought."

I know it is a small thing that probably most wouldn't even notice but I noticed it. I noticed how he looked around for Master and the exchange about grabbing me. He obviously knew I don't go anywhere without Master. And I guess I just didn't know that people were aware of it.

Little update also...
I have been really busy with Thanksgiving, Master's parents were here last weekend and now this week we leave to go to the other side of the state. When we get back I am behind I will be swamped as I am so behind on holiday preparations - getting cards out, presents done and mailed. Our tree isn't even up and won't be until probably Sunday or Monday. That is really late for us.

I am trying to keep Domestic Servitude updated with some holiday gift ideas, recipes and such too.

So as always - making excuses why I am not here posting more. And as always I wish I could as I do miss it often.

Disappointing Him

2009-11-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Kaya made a post about a thread on FetLife and being devastated when you disappoint your Master.

I get that moment of feeling upset that I disappointed him. But I am not devastated. Mostly I am really pissed and disappointed in myself. I beat up on myself for not keeping on top of things. And then I try to move on and just try to do better next time.

When he tells me he is upset with me on something I don't understand at all...then I get frustrated or annoyed. In the end it doesn't matter what I feel though - just as long as I obey. (Not that it doesn't matter what I feel but obeying is always first.)

Not to long ago he got mad at me for not just going and getting him what he asked for right away. I had stopped to ask for clarification as there are 2 of the thing he asked for so I was asking which one he wanted. And he got mad. But internally I was saying it is a reasonable question...but externally I just nodded and said, "yes Master" and went and fetched him what he asked for. I was thankful I was able to keep my mouth shut as it was one of those moments I know if I would have said anything more he would have been more pissed.

So in those type of situations when he says he is disappointed, I mostly say "I am sorry Master" and move on but internally I don't "get it" and it is harder to accept - I just think okay this is what he wants so I will do it. Usually later I will bring it up to him when he isn't pissed. And often he hasn't changed his mind. He still wishes I would have just went and grabbed one - he didn't care which one. And as he says that internally of course I am going would it have been so hard to say "either one." And I would have been quickly on my way to get it. But in the end it doesn't matter - he did what he wanted and expressed what he wanted - and my job is to obey. I disappointed him and like kaya mentioned in her post, can't go back in time to fix it, but next time I know I will just go get whatever it is he wanted. And that one time I bring him the item and he says he wanted the other. I will just go and get the other. Because it is his rules and he can change them as he goes. And he often does. It is my job to obey him.

PS: We are going out town and I have had several people email me the last week - and so just letting you know I won't be getting back to you until next week.

Freshly....

2009-11-09T16:11:00.005-07:00

I am sitting here a little fuzzy. Fuzzy is good! Well this kind of fuzzy at least! Master came into my studio earlier with his hard cock hanging out of his underwear. Of course that got my attention. He came to see what I was doing - let me finish that. And then grabbed me by the hair and pushed my mouth down to his cock. After just a few moments of sucks and licks, he was dragging me off to the bedroom.

He stopped me in the living room and pulled my shirt off before having me hold my hands behind my neck while he pulled the rest of my clothes off. And then marched me to the bedroom where he proceeded to use me in such delicious ways.....lots of holding my head to down on his cock to that I would choke, pulling my hair, squeezing my throat, slapping, punching, grabbing and squeezing various bits with fingers digging into my flesh and then rinse and repeat. After giving him a blow job, he smear his cum on my face and then pushed me on to my back spread my legs and grabbed, pulled, twisted with fingers digging into my cunt. He would touch soft and tenderly and then suddenly my cunt would be on fire from the pain searing through it as he tortured me. I of course didn't come when he was touching my softly....no no no...I came when he was hurting the hell out of me.

When I got up, I had that freshly fucked look down pretty good. Hair wildly going every way, hanging in my eyes, sticking to my face where it had dried in the cum....oh yes...freshly fucked indeed.

Thank you Violet Blue

2009-11-08T17:00:00.001-07:00

I am terribly flattered that Violet Blue has visited my tumblr and recommended it to her readers. If you don't know her, please go check out her blog. She is one of those people that I am sure if I ever met I would be doing a fangirl squee as she is a notorious sex educator that I have read and admired for years.

As she said on the post about my tumblr, I do try to credit. If you find an image there that isn't credited and you recognize, please feel free to let me know by emailing me at danaewhispering@yahoo.com. I do really want to promote and recognize the talented people who turn me on! Also if you find an image that is yours and you don't want it posted here, please feel free to email me - I will take it down as soon as I get your email.

So thank you Violet Blue for recommending my tumblr and welcome to all the visitors she has sent my way...to my blog and my tumblr.

Teased and Tormented

2009-11-06T19:49:00.001-07:00

I was having a conversation with a good friend recently about how it turns me on to see Master masturbate and not be able to touch him. He has several times put me in the cage and then masturbated on the bed. So I could see him but I couldn't reach him. I have a vivid memory of this one time...after he had beat me and slapped me until I was a fuzzy mess he did that. I was of course at that point so dripping wet from the pain and wanting to feel him fuck me hard but instead he roughly pulled me off the bed and shoved me in the cage. And then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was agony mixed with pleasure. I wanted so badly to touch him and feel him in my mouth or cunt but the sounds he was making and just watching his hand wrapped around his hard cock....was making me moan with pleasure. I really don't like to beg but I know I was begging at that point to touch and suck him. But he let me moan and drip. When he had his orgasm, he came over and wiped his cum all over my face and tits. Didn't even get to taste. It was HOT. Just thinking about it now makes me breath hard.

So the other day Master had an afternoon appointment but right before it he took me to the bedroom and put the pvc open mouth hood on me and had me get busy with his balls while he masturbated. It turned me on to hear him...the sound of his hand on his cock. The noises he makes. The smell...of sex. And although I was touching him - still felt like I was being teased and denied...tormented. After Master orgasmed, he got up and took a shower and told me to masturbate. It just felt very much like an object. I wasn't necessary for his pleasure but just added when he feels like using me for his pleasure. Like an after-thought.

The conversation with my friend came about as she mentioned she would like to watch Master and I have sex and I told her no no no....that my fantasy was to be tied to a chair or locked in the closet or cage while he had sex with her. To watch and be teased and tormented by watching them.

I posted a picture on my tumblr recently and wrote about the memory that came with it....basically it is a girl tied up outside a door. And it reminded me of when I was in the poly household and he restrained me. And then went into the bedroom and played and had sex with another one of his slaves I could hear them while I laid on the floor outside the door. It was very erotic not moving and not seeing but only hearing them. When they came out, they walked past me like I wasn't even there.

It has been an ongoing fantasy I play over and over again in my head with Master....of him fucking another. Sometimes I am in the room sometimes I am not. Sometimes I don't know about it until after. And any way I come up with it....it turns me on. It teases and torments me....physically but I can't wait to feel it emotionally too. I know it will feel different with Master.

Daily Om - Actions

2009-10-28T10:20:00.000-06:00

I like Daily Om's not only for just my spiritual growth and well-being but also how I can relate them back to my service. I think this Daily Om is one of those that works well for my service. Italicizing the part that really stood out for me.

Considering Others
Reaffirming Our Integrity

Every thought we think and every action we take has an effect on the world around us. To be aware of this is to be conscious of our impact on the people in our lives. Sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, but considering the full ramifications of our actions can be an important part of our spiritual growth and awareness. At first, being more conscious requires effort, but once we have made it a habit, it becomes second nature. The more we practice this awareness of others, the more we find ourselves in easy alignment with our integrity.

Our thoughts are an important place to begin this practice because our thoughts are the seeds of our actions. It is not necessary or beneficial to obsessively monitor all our thoughts, but we can perhaps choose one thought or action per day and simply notice if we are in alignment with this experience of integrity. For example, we may find ourselves replaying a negative encounter with someone in our minds. We may think that this doesn’t affect the person about whom we are thinking, but the laws of energy tell us that it does. When we hold someone negatively in our minds, we risk trapping them in negativity. If we were this person, we might wish for forgiveness and release. We can offer this by simply letting go of the negative thought and replacing it with a wish for healing on that person’s behalf.

With regard to our actions, we may have something difficult to express to someone. Taking the time to consider how we would feel if we were in his or her shoes will enable us to communicate more sensitively than we would if we just expressed ourselves from our own perspective. When we modify our approach by taking someone else’s feelings into account, we bring benefit to that person and ourselves equally. The more we do this, the more we reaffirm our integrity and the integrity of our relationship to the world.

When I was first learning to please Master and put him first, I often did the task above where I took one thing to focus on. Such as just trying to be aware of his drink and if it was filled. And simply being aware of it and doing it. Because sometimes I got overwhelmed with it all so just focusing on one thing helped me slow down. Eventually that spread out to each task and it became habit.

9 Years of Blogging

2009-10-27T21:46:00.003-06:00

It has been 9 years of blogging for me! Wow! I am not sure I ever thought I would blog this long. I know my posts have become less and less over the years but I still glad I have this place. And I hope to continue to post for a long time to come.

I am thankful for everyone that reads. Thank you for the emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from
The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Listy Update

2009-10-22T20:52:00.001-06:00

I have been really busy so I feel like I am out of touch with everything. By the time I do have a moment to sit here and do a post, my concentration sucks. So....you are getting a listy update....

* When Master's parents were here one time we watched Bank Job which was very sexual. And very embarrassing to watch in front of them. The last time we were in Denver, Master's parents had a NetFlix and asked us if we wanted to watch. I hadn't heard of it before. It was a movie with Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor - both of who we like. And it was just as bad. It was Deception. So now another movie to put on the list of never watch with your parents.

* It was my birthday Sunday. At midnight of the 18th - Master had a scavenger hunt. There were clues inside and outside the house. And it lead to several presents on the way to the end. It was fun! The ending gift was season 1 of True Blood.

* An obsession lately is porn. Yes porn. I have been surfing tumblrs - lots of them with porn I enjoy. I have been posting to mine also.

* We have a shelving unit that sits in the hall outside Master's office and when I decorated for Halloween I put 3 little plastic skeletons. Before Master's parents got here - Master kept moving the skeletons into lewd positions. Every time I went past for several days they were in another position. I kept worrying we would forget and leave them like that for his parents visit but luckily that wasn't the case.

* Thanks to Fleshbot for putting me in their weekly round up for my last post. I miss being an escort and really should write about some of my favorite moments before I forget them.

* I have been reading an old elist group on yahoo. It has been interesting and entertaining. A quote from one of the posts:

"...I think, that consent is part of the power rush to me. My reasoning is this: any buffoon with sufficient muscle power can force himself upon another person and "dom" him or her against their will. Getting the "victim" to come to you, open-eyed and wanting it... now that's doing it in style." J. Mikael Togneri

That is about it for now.

Would He Dare?

2009-10-16T23:54:00.003-06:00

There is a gift in someone who dares to be so rough with me. Most men would never dare. I need to know that a man will be so bold, that at least he is capable of this sort of wielding. Then I can trust him. The flimsy men, the ones who would never dare to hurt me, to see me flinch, to bend me over and take me anywhere, anytime; I have no use for. Their trepidation is suffocating to me. And reflective of their behavior outside the bedroom. It always is. You can tell a lot about someone by how they fuck: Timid or decisive. Experimental or staid. Hard-driving and fierce or languid and droopy. My selection criteria is all about this crucial element: Can this man take charge? Does he dare? "6" The 400 Blow from Beautiful, Depraved

When I was an escort, I often wondered that before I met a new client. I wondered if they would take charge or be timid. Most of the men were kind of in middle ground. They didn't want to tell me what to do but they wanted me to be a slut. The bigger slut I was the more they were turned on. Begging, eager, lustful, passionate, attentive, wanton, wet and ready to do anything and they would become repeat clients who tipped. And well I like sex and liked my job so often I was able to pull all those things off pretty easily. It was exciting and I often got turned on with anticipation before the client even walked in the door.

I had a few clients that dared...they took charge. And were rough in a good way. I would leave feeling well used and spent. One of those clients was an older man that I have wrote about before. He was close to 70. And he had a beautiful huge cock. And would take me in many ways.

Let me back up a bit....and post something I wrote about before....

There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the "community." He did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and spanking but that was about it.

So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Very few of them from the bottom and several from the top. For the most part it is as I said above most of them just wanted someone who enjoyed sex and was very wanton. But I did have a few that wanted to do some BDSM elements in our time together. And one of those gentlmen is the one I mentioned above...he talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was unusual as they usually were to shy to bring it up right away. It would take a few appointments before many of the men would mention the BDSM. But this gentlemen did and he had a reference for me to call one of the other girls in the community. He didn't say in his email what he was wanting but he mentioned the interview so I knew it was something more then just a regular appointment. But I told him I would have to meet him first.

So on our first date/appointment he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really the norm. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.

As I said he was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He wasn't bad looking. And so we sat and he proceeded to tell me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and/or after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise and talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left. It was pretty mild the first time. I knew he was just testing the waters as I was too.

After that though all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him. I would be dressed in something sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. And then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). Or push me to my knees to give him a blow job. And then it moved to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. He pulled my hair. He was very forceful in how he handled me - pushing me to the bed, spreading my legs, holding my mouth to his cock and so on. Often he did spanking and of course talk dirty to me also. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!

So for some randomness about him...

* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion that I orgasm from vaginal sex) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.

* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.

* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He liked kind of role playing that I had done something bad at school and now came home to get punished. Or that I had been showing off my tits and pussy to the boys and school and he wanted me to show him how I did that. I never thought with someone just who was really a stranger - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I did with him. Previously all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me as he was older and realistically could have had a daughter my age. And I never expected that it would turn me on in the ways it did because of my past.

* I have many fond memories of him. All his appointments left me very wet. I will also always remember him for another reason - because I was with him on 9/11 and we didn't have the tv on so I found out after. Later when I was checking out of the hotel room. It was such a good appointment. I came out so happy and excited just replaying it in my head moments after he left. It was a roleplay day with me as a school girl and him as Daddy finding out I was a bad girl at school. So I have these vivid memories because of the fun we had but coming out and knowing that while I was having all that fun - tragedy was striking the USA....well it is odd to think about. It is also one of those questions I always have to tiptoe around when people ask where I was when I found out. I wonder if he thinks of me on 9/11 like I think of him.

* Overall - our appointments were some of my favorite. He dared and it turned me on. It was the whole package of how he looked, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into me...it was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.

(Thank you Fleshbot for putting this entry in the weekly roundup)

Giveaway on Domestic Servitude

2009-10-12T20:47:00.002-06:00

Please go enter the giveaway on Domestic Servitude for the book Once-a-Month Cooking Family Favorites.

See my review of the book here: REVIEW on DOMESTIC SERVITUDE

September Round Up

2009-10-10T13:56:00.004-06:00

What’s been happening with the Domestic Servitude blog the past month? Here's a quick snapshot of our September posts.

Recipes
Peach Coffee Cake
Steak Marinade
Sausage and Potato Skillet/Bake
Scotcheroos
Apple-Pecan-Craisin Salad

Links
Marinades, Rubs and Barbecue Sauce
Green Newsletter
Newsletters
Free Samples
September Friday Favorites - Sept 4, Sept 11, Sept 18, Sept 25

Book Reviews
The Bread Lover's Bread Machine Cookbook
The Naturally Clean Home
Great Coffee Cakes, Sticky Buns, Muffins & More

Special Interest/Assorted/Random posts
2 Weeks Worth of Menus
Organizing Finances and Home Filing System
Travel Packing Tips

PEEK AHEAD at OCTOBER
Fall Cleaning Lists
Halloween Wreath
and a giveaway that will be posted on Monday

Flagg

2009-10-06T12:28:00.002-06:00

I am so shocked....I knew he was really having a hard time of it. But I had hope. So it came as a surprise.

Flagg is someone who I am sure affected many people's lives including mine. The community has lost a very special person. I know that he helped me gain perspective on what I really wanted. His words made sense in a way that had been cloudy to me before. And the way his mind worked was extraordinary - rational, evil, funny...inspiring on so many levls. His words always resonated with me. And I sit here being thankful for what he gave me. But am so sad that he is gone.

Fall Cleaning

2009-10-01T23:02:00.001-06:00

Just wanted to pop in to and say I am alive....

Last week we were in Denver. And the week before we were sick. Then while in Denver I started to get the cold coming back. So came home not feeling well and just trying to get back on track. And on top of it I have been struggling with a pulled muscle - in an odd place - my bottom. It really is funny to think about it but not really funny living with it as it hurts no matter what I do - lay down, sit down, bend over - everything makes it hurt.

Yesterday I started my fall cleaning. I didn't get as much accomplished as I would have liked by the pain slowed me down somewhat. But I did get something done that I didn't in my spring cleaning and that was cleaning out all the bathroom cupboards and shelves. I have a huge bag of stuff to throw. And I reorganized hopefully a way that things won't get piled up.

I feel I have lots I could write about but mostly I am quietly mulling things over. And just feel worn out so not up to writing.

While coming home from Denver, I was reading Better Basics for the Home: Simple Solutions for Less Toxic Living by Annie Berthold-Bond and Master asked me about it and then told me if I want to step up my more natural way of cleaning that he is willing to put the investment into some products. I have done basics - vinegar, baking soda, tea tree oil but I have wanted to make more products. And if it saves money which is one benefit Better Basics for the Home talked about then he is all for it.

I have been checking out quite a few books on greener living lately. I checked out two books by Danny Seo that are about green entertaining and gift wrapping. And I really enjoyed both of them. (Longer reviews of them will be coming up in October on Domestic Servitude blog.)

Well that is all for now.

My Tumblr

2009-09-30T00:38:00.000-06:00

Just a FYI...I have been trying to post random adult photos I find/enjoy on my tumblr again and I hope to keep that a daily to at least several times a week thing.

Nathon Fillon

2009-09-26T23:57:00.000-06:00

very amusing Nathan Fillon...

Service Book of Days

2009-09-15T10:33:00.000-06:00

I wrote this yesterday morning but forgot to post....so posting now.

* Outside my window...it is fairly sunny today after raining so much yesterday

* my thoughts...are on the tasks ahead of me today

* Today's Quote..."Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle, Philosopher

* i am thankful for...the library. I have checked out a lot of books on making bath products as it is what I would like to make for gifts this holiday season.

* From my service training... making excellence a habit.

* From the kitchen... I have put this weeks menu up at Domestic Servitude.

* i am wearing...Jean skirt and red-t-shirt

* i am creating...some work related stuff for Master

* my adventures this week... we are at home this week and I am thankful for that as we will be going out of town soon for a week or longer.

* Becoming well read... books on making bath products and also a Christmas craft book

* i manifest and co-create... excellence and how do I apply that in my service to Master.

* Today's Melody... Melissa Etheridge's SKIN

* One of my favorite things... water - I drink it all day long. It feels refreshing after scrubbing the floor and cleaning the bathroom.

* further plans for this week... cleaning and getting ready for when we go out of town. And keeping in my thoughts - excellence.

* Still....life
a picture I took while in Minnesota...

Compatibility

2009-09-14T08:35:00.001-06:00

Sometimes Master and I have what we call Sunday Conversations. We discuss a question, topic or essay we found on the web. A few Sunday's ago Master asked...

Which I thought was better - similar lifestyle tastes or a similar foundation in a relationship sense?

And it was an easy answer for me. I feel having similar foundation in relationship is better then having similar lifestyle tastes. Without compatibility in relationship especially those things that are at the foundation of a relationship then we most likely wouldn't achieve a M/s dynamic. I am not saying it doesn't matter if we weren't compatible with kink and the dynamic we seek, but if given choice between the two options, I would have to say that a relationship foundation is more important and would affect our overall compatibility and the longevity of the relationship.

If the person wants to be a slave, that isn't enough of a reason for us to pursue someone. Compatibility goes beyond the M/s dynamic. Determining if we're compatible, how would they mesh in our daily lives? What are their values? Are they open minded? How do they handle crisis? Is honesty important to them? Are they dependable? Do they show respect to strangers as well as family and friends? Do they treat people fairly? Do they keep their promises? What to think the word faithful means? How do they communicate? How do they handle and express anger? Are they are good listener? Basically what are their beliefs, the things they live by? And do our personalities mesh?

When I lived in a poly household, I know that just being kinky and having a desire to be a slave wasn't enough to make you compatible with each other. Some of the girls we had in our household had a deep desire to be a slave, but that fact alone didn't guarantee that we were compatible. Sometimes there was a conflict of values or a breakdown of communication which you need a strong foundation in order to have a solid relationship. Merely having the same kink doesn't mean the relationship can last. It needs more.

Just sharing...

2009-09-13T13:19:00.000-06:00

2 great videos on equality....for marriage.

August Roundup

2009-09-06T13:22:00.005-06:00

What’s been happening with the Domestic Servitude blog this past month? Here's a quick snapshot of our August posts.

Recipes:
Maple Cinnamon Oat Bread - This bread has amazing flavor. As it bakes the smell just floats throughout the house making everyone anxious for it to get out of the oven.

Creme Brulee French Toast - This is a great recipe when you want to make something just a little more special and different for breakfast/brunch. I often make this for holidays, birthdays and other celebrations. I have made it several time when I have hosted brunch. Served with some fresh fruit, sausage and mimosas.

Banana Layer Cake with Chocolate Frosting - I get in a rut of making just banana bread or banana muffins when I have banana that need to be used up. This recipe was a nice change. It was very moist and the flavor of it mixed with the chocolate frosting made it just delicious.

Links:
Feast on the Cheap - Jouet shares a great link for a blog about eating quality food but on the cheap. Great recipes and pictures.

Friday Favorites - 4 Friday Favorites for August - I have links for everything recipes, crafts, decorating, cleaning and just things to help your service.

Houseworks Holiday Plan - yes in August - I have been to this site that Jouet shared quite a bit. It is a good resource for getting geared up for the holidays.

Book Reviews:
Martha Stewart's Cooking School - I was truly surprised how much I liked this book. It has great step by step instructions as well as photos to go with it. Really good resource.

The Gourmet Slow-Cooker - Want to take use your slow cooker but take it out of the traditional recipes you find? Then this is the book you want to check out.

Special Interest/Assorted/Random posts:
A Service Book of Days - This idea is a great way to assess where your service is at and going as well as give you focus.

Denture Tablets for Cleaning a Crystal Vase - I worked. And I have pictures on this post to prove it.

Menu - This week and Next - 2 weeks worth of menus

Powdered Buttermilk - a review of a product I have in my kitchen always.

Follow Up

2009-09-03T22:36:00.002-06:00

I had some questions from the last post. So I am answering them here....

Did you have aftercare? Did he follow up with you at all to make sure you were ok?

I am not big on aftercare - at anytime (for me of course I am not saying in general with everyone - just saying I desire aftercare - even with Master.) If he would have given me aftercare, it would have ruined the experience for me also. Him basically kicking me out and being done with me - was hot.

The first few times we played he didn't check on me. But then he started calling me more often and often it was right after play and several times during the days after. The time I describe in that post, he had me call him as soon as I was home. And he called me before I went to bed that night. And then also the next day. He often said cruel and humiliating things during those conversation - it really was a good mind-fuck for me. I can see now looking back he was checking on me with those calls. But just because he was checking on me didn't change how we interacted with each other because that was our dynamic.

How does the experience seem a few days after it is over, when you look back and remember it? If it makes you feel good, and want more of it, then it probably WAS good. If it doesn't, then it wasn't.

A few days after, I felt good and couldn't wait to see him again. I had a drop from the endorphins so I got weepy and felt extremely tired. But I felt good about the experience - no regrets. Now when I look at it, I wish I would have played with him more often then I did.

Out of all my times with him, only one time did it feel really bad during and after. Not only did I feel bad, but I felt angry and annoyed. But it was my own fault for putting myself in the situation I did. I knew it what going to happen so I shouldn't have went to him when he asked. He didn't change who he was and he didn't do anything he didn't say he was going to - It was me that wasn't being realistic.

You report this dream, but you don't assess the experience here. It made you hot, but you also seemed to be deeply emotionally hurt by it. How do you feel about it now, as you look back? Are you really sure?

During it, I hurt. I was emotionally, mentally and physically a mess. Sometimes crying hysterically where snot was dripping because I was crying so hard. There were often times during it, I didn't think I was going to make it out on the other side okay. I thought he is going to break me to the point of not being fixable. I hated him - all the while he did the things he did to me. And at the same time, I was wet and turned on. And a piece inside of me screaming "yes yes yes...keep pushing....keep hurting me. Thank you thank you!"

And each time we played it was like this. I felt I was going to be beyond repair. And each time I walked way turned on and had orgasm upon orgasm thinking about our time together.

As I stated above, now I look back on it and wish I would have played with him more. I wonder where it would have went. I wonder if I could have done all the things he wanted to do.

Your question of are you really sure....I understand and I am going to I think get into it more below. I really craved a man to take me to the darkness so we were compatible in our desires. We pushed things to points where some would say it was unhealthy. But it worked for us. I am not sure it would have worked long term for us though. I am not sure I wouldn't have broke or was maybe breaking a little each time. I can't say for sure though.

Why did your relationship end?

Our relationship started out just as play. We met, we played hard and then left each other to go about our lives not knowing a lot about each others lives. Then it hit a point where - he asked me to coffee. And from there we started doing other things besides playing. We went to lunch, shopping, movies, on walks and all the time talking and getting to know each other. We still played and played just as hard. But we were getting to know each other more fully as people. I decided it was time to ask him where he saw our relationship going. And he was happy with how things were and didn't want to have more at least at that time. But there was no promise or time-line for anything more - ever. I was getting too invested so I decided we had to stop as I needed to pursue a long term relationship. I also had other concerns, one of which I will address below in another question. He understood and let me go.

I know that you only played with this person occasionally but do you think you could have maintained that kind of relationship 24/7?

He and I often discussed that living the way we played. And the long term effects. We played the speculation game quite a lot, but didn't of course have any definitive answers. I will say something that I think the Sir that asked the "are you sure" question was getting at....and that is I started to get too scared. He and I talked about that a lot. He saw it developing. I would get scared about walking into the house. But once there in the play - fear was still there but it changed. The fear before I walked into the door - didn't turn me on really. The fear after I walked in the door and we started playing - turned me on. What was the difference? The moment. Once in the moment I could only live in that moment with him so I didn't panic myself with the million what-ifs. My focus couldn't go behind the moment during the play. But before walking in - I let myself get in a panic and often let myself get so ramped up and overwhelmed with it. I would let fear rule me instead of just going in and having our version of fun.

I also will say that the fear started after we started having a relationship outside of play. And I often wonder if it was my feelings for him and his interaction with me during our non-play that messed with my mind. I wasn't just his it - I became more then that? I am speculating. I don't know for sure. I just know that I started being scared.

So after him, I had a few people that wanted to play with me and I was really wanting to but often I had to cancel and back out. And the reason - fear. I had what a partner called kicked dog syndrome going on. It was where I acted like dog that has been beat acts. I cowered and flinched quite a bit. It took a while before I stopped.

I am sure some will now read this last answer and go - ah ha see it was a bad experience. And she shouldn't have played like that. But I want to again stress...I would do it all over again. And that I think of it often and wish I would have played with him more. I really truly mean it. My time with him turned me on. Dripping wet....often soaking whatever I was sitting on because he turned me on so much. So just because there was some developments that weren't great side-effects doesn't mean I wouldn't want it. I wanted it. I want it. And I am wet thinking about even now.

Do you play like that with your Master?

Master and I play hard at times. But it never feels like it did then. And that is because Master and I have a different dynamic and that dynamic connects in a way that I don't feel would ever make even the exact same play feel like it did then. And that isn't a bad thing to me. One isn't better then the other. They are just different then each other. And I am glad to have experienced both. And glad to keep on exploring with Master.