danae

Music: Linkin Park, Evanescence, Coldplay, Incubus, Live and a few more
Mood: Good...very good
Topics: Too many...a long catch up post...hopefully future ones to come more regularly

Well of course as usual I have not learned my lesson…I have a word processor program that I type most of my blogger entries on and of course it ate it. So – 4 pages – ate : (

I am not a happy camper.

And what happens is that often I condense and don’t get as wordy when I am trying to recreate it…so I am going to try not do that this time but can’t make any promises.

Happy….but depressed?

I am going through a stage of I am VERY happy with Master, but then I get depressed and overwhelmed by the control and lack of independence. Yet it is what I desire. I just got so used to doing things my way that I am doing through a little reactance but not outwardly really. It is just a transition and adjustment time.

I truly love being Master’s slave. I love waking up with Him and going through my day doing things FOR Him…because it is what He wants and desires. It makes me feel very good. We have been taking things kind of slow – and I really appreciate it. Because it is a transition and adjustment to go from total control for SO long to being watched and micromanaged 24/7 is going to be an adjustment no matter how much I desire it and need it.

Things seem to be happening at a very natural progression. There are not 10 things added at once for me to get used to…each day new things seem to happen but they seem to be going pretty good. I don’t get overwhelmed with the things Master is having me do…I get overwhelmed by my feelings of being slave. I think the happiness and finally the stability I have been looking for so long – is almost like a shock to my system.

Am I making sense? I really would love to hear how others feel when they transition from going to be totally independent to this state of being so controlled and micromanaged.

Okay going to do some bitching, venting…and expressing of some pent up feelings….and then I will get to the good stuff LOL

Judged…

I have been thinking since I got here – about not blogging for a while. I want to but I also am getting tired of the people who judge me by reading my words. Yes, I know I put myself out there by putting up a public blogger. So, I do expect it some. Strangers…people not associated with people I know personally or through others…I don’t care about what they think or say. People who I know in person…people who are friends or not but they know me. They know me…they know my words, they know my actions, they have met me…they see the whole person – I do care what they think but only to a point. I want understanding – not I don’t need to be “liked” by everyone. But the people who just read my words on a screen and say – “well she is…” - they are the ones that are irritating me lately.

How can you judge someone you have NEVER met? And if all your arguments on what you are judging can be disputed then how can you continue to judge?

I know people are probably thinking why – do you let it bother you. I am not sure why I do. I mean the people who I care about….are the ones that don’t judge me and even if they don’t always understand why I want the things I want and why I do the things I do…they still accept and love me. And that is all that should matter.

But for some reason I have a great intolerance for people who judge people without meeting them.

I will admit that I have done the same thing but do a different degree I guess. There have been things that have been done in my past and when I find out that people do those things…I write them off. I don’t go any further in getting to know them because I have made it a line in myself that I will not associate with people that do certain things. So, if I find out they have done any of those things then I will say okay bye. So, I judge based on my ethics, integrity and boundaries I create in my life.

Anyway…I will continue to blog but just to those out there who have enjoyed judging me….know my life is happy. And I feel sorry for you to have to judge me when you could be living your own life and not so jealous of mine. Harsh? Maybe but very true.

Next harsh subject…or at least it came out that way when I wrote about it earlier – before it was ate that is…lol

The 19th of May is an anniversary for me. In a way it is 2 anniversaries. May 19th, 2001 – I met Todd for the first time in real life. That moment is still so crystal clear in my minds still. It is kind of scary that it is so clear.

In ways, I still miss him, but I know that is a false feeling. Because it is based on an illusion. I miss the person he said he was - not the person he really was…He was an illusion. Better yet he is an illusion. He is not real. I often wonder if he knows how to be real…and true. I hope he allows himself to be true one day.

The next anniversary for this day is from last year…when I got closure for my relationship with Todd (yes only a YEAR later *shakes head*) and I also got closure on my friendship with Di.

I know I shocked Di showing up on her doorstep, but I am very happy I finally got closure with Todd and also got closure with her too.

I miss Todd (but again reminding myself – I miss what wasn’t really there anyway), but I don’t miss Di. Harsh again? Probably…but it is true. I feel sorry for her mostly. I don’t understand how she could do what she did. I just could never do something like that. Probably another reason I don’t talk about everything that happened - all she did to me. Because I just am not that type of person. I can’t be mean like that…this is about as mean as I get.

Anyway, I feel sorry for her…living life like she does most make her feel very lonely even in a group of “friends.” Because she can’t really be herself ever. I also feel sorry for her because she is very preoccupied with my life. She reads my blogger 4 to 9 times a day (btw I am not sharing any private info - anyone that looks at my blogger could find…my tracker - it is public too.) And it used to bother me now, but I just can scan past her home isp and work isp and do not even stop on them. They are just a part of my daily tracking system.

Okay just not to make everyone nervous….I don’t do research to figure out which isp’s are which. But there were a few isp’s that were showing up so much that I did do research because it was a little weird to me. I mostly use it to see how many visitors I have a day/week/month and how they found me…what words they used to put in a search engine to get to me.

But it is not part of my normal routine to research them. …but I do look at them daily. Well I did now that I am not online daily LOL I don’t : )

Punishment…

I am not going to go on about this much…

Master wrote about it on His journal some….so check it out there.

I am glad it is done. I needed it to be done. I was very sorry for failing Him and disappointing Him. And He knows how much I beat myself up for it. We are both glad it is done. We are both glad that in the future things can be discussed and dealt with right THEN. This waiting months thing was very hard on both of us.

Okay so now on to some good things….*grins*

Let’s see where do I start? Slapping? Golden Showers? Piggy play? Objectification? Collars? Love? Mmmmmmmmm so many good topics…

Slapping…

One day Master came home for lunch. We were done eating and I was kneeling between His legs. And He started to slap me lightly at first and growing harder and harder. He did not slap me as hard as He could but the duration of the slapping went on for quite some time. And by the end my face felt on fire and was swelling. And yes….I had marks. Not bruises like M gave me on the face but little purplish pin dots of bruising. They were very easy to cover up with make up – unfortunately *smiles* lol

So yes marks on my face again…yippy for me! So hot so yummy….slapping gets me so wet. I have come to get scared of it – because of some things in my past but how Master did it starting slowly – lightly and working up to harder…was perfect way to handle it with me. It was just so hot! I was a VERY VERY wet horny slut after that and of course He had to get back to work so…we both had to wait until after work to get some of that sexual tension worked through *smiles* Yes, my life is good!

Showers…

Every morning Master gets up and unlocks me from the bed and then puts me in the shower. I sit on the floor of the shower and He gets in and then pisses on me. I have been drinking some also. Not all of it yet but I know someday I will get up to taking all His piss. So anyway He pisses on me and then He takes His shower. So He soaps up and all that soapy water drips on me…I sit by the drain in the shower and all the dirty water comes pouring down on to me…it is a very intense experience. I become very fuzzy…I feel lowered, dirty, used and just very much like nothing. Very hot and yummy also. After He is done then I take my shower and I am all fuzzy and out of it and it is very strange surreal experience. I love it though…it starts the day out with knowing my place…re-enforcing my place.

The showers is a favorite part of my day.

Unpacking…

Well I am almost unpacked. We are having some closet issues though. Master is going to try to resolve that tomorrow though. He is going to put in a new closet organizer so that should help me have more room. That I have unpacked already is a very good thing for me and for Him actually. Because when I moved to Ohio…I lived out of my suitcase for a very long time….months even. I always felt kind of in limbo there…felt like I did not know if I really belonged there. I belong here. I belong to Master without a doubt. It feels so right. I did not know rightness felt like this…each day I am very thankful that Master emailed me.

Objectified…

Each afternoon after I am done with my duties, I clean myself up and then get all girly girl for Master. I makes sure I am all made up – make up, hair and nails done, and then lingerie, stockings and heels. One day last week while getting ready I felt very objectified as I did it…I looked in the mirror at my painted face and lingerie…very slutty for Him and I felt like a doll. HBO’s Real Sex once talked about real dolls…they were movable and working features and as I looked in the mirror that is how I felt….like I was Master’s doll…His toy to do what He wish with. I like being girly girl but I go further then I would go normally….with it…I do that for Him. To please Him….to be His slut doll.

Orgasms….

I was allowed orgasms today (Sunday)….it had been 4 weeks 2 days since I had one so there was a bit of mess with my orgasms today. *blushing* I squirted of course…and my skin just felt on fire. Master would touch me and it was like every part of my body was feeling it. It was very strong and deep feeling that ran through me when He touched me after those orgasms today.

My first 2 weeks were not bad in the orgasm denial…I mean I did not miss them. I knew I was pleasing Him and that really truly made me okay with it. My third week was when I realized it had been a while lol And then last week….well last week - being here with Him. Being able to touch Him and being in bed with Him….*fanning myself* I was getting a little worked up LOL Okay more then a little and so this last week of not orgasming was HELL. I was so horny and then of course He was teasing and touching me and bringing me to the edge and so…I was going a little crazy with desire. I wanted to orgasm. I wanted Him to fuck me hard – and orgasm with His cock inside my cunt. *Blushing* And He was waiting for that…He was waiting to fuck me. He wanted my punishment over before He fucked me and allowed me to orgasm. So today…I was fucked. And today I came many many times! And I am very thankful to Master for wanting…and allowing it.

Okay….what next….

Piggy…I suppose *blushing*

He put the ball gag harness L`Varado made for me on. And then He taped up my fingers and hands so that they looked like hooves. Not sure I can explain it…He took the index finger and the next finger and taped them together and then took my pinky and ring finger and taped them together and then taped my thumb to my hand and it looked like a hoof. A split toe hoof…am I making sense?

It was a really really intense little scene…He mind-fucked me good. I didn’t know up from down when He was done. He talked a lot about transforming me into a human pig 24/7. And it made me very scared but of course my body reacted…I was SO WET and turned on.

I got very fuzzy and animalistic. I was grunting and almost making growling noises. It was an incredible experience and although I am scared about doing it again…I can’t wait at the same time. It turns me on very much. I did not think it would get to me like it did….I got lost in it. I became very much an animal. Not sure how to describe it but it was very interesting.

Collars….

Master…presented me with 2 new collars on the Friday we met in Cheyenne. One is a thin black simple collar that looks okay in vanilla world. And then the other is one I have looked at many times. It is JT Stockroom. It is the metal ones. They are metal bands back with black leather. They are thick with big o-rings on them and lock on. I have always wanted to wear one like it…and had not even told Him that….He just had always wanted to collar His slave with one like it…and so…He did.

I am a very lucky girl…Master takes such good care of His slave.

Not sure what else to write about….

We have been doing very normal vanilla life things….and I am enjoying those moments with Him just as well as the moments He tortures me. :)

Work around the house….pulling weeds, re-arranging, planning for redecorating and more re-arranging. He was working on the swamp cooler today…while I cleaned the kitchen and folded laundry. We went to home depot today. Yesterday we went to get a shelving unit for the bathroom to make more storage space for all my girly girl products. LOL Friday night I packed sandwiches, pop and such to eat at the drive in theater. We saw Xmen 2 and Dare Devil. I liked them both. X Men 2 better then Dare Devil though. And then on Thursday night we went to Matrix Reloaded. It was awesome. The effects and the story this time too – to me - was more philosophical then the last and the last was very philosophical to me. I want to see it again. I missed some things I know.

We have had a very busy week and it has been fun, productive, and I am home. Finally I am home. Home with my Master.