His Hands

I love Master. I pretty much worship him.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  I get obsessed with certain things about him every so often.  Today we were traveling to a little town near us and I kept staring at his hands.

I love his hands.
I love feeling his spankings as he is a drummer and drummers make the best spankers.
I love how his hand wraps around my wrist, guiding me, and watching me become demure and pliable under that one act.
I love his hands wrapping in my hair and shoving me down to my knees to suck his cock, holding me in place, choking and then setting the tempo to his desire.
I love that he pushes and pulls my body into position - to please him, to writh for him, to entertain him, to amuse him as I struggle against his grip.
I love to feel his hands sliding down the side of my face and smiling at me with love, affection, passion.
I love that the next moment he takes his hands and shoves me against the wall
I love that I see the sadist looking back at me as he wraps his hand around my throat.
I love the feeling his hands on my body and knowing they claim me as his and only his.
I love that he takes me in any way he desires - by probing, grabbing, slapping, shoving, pinning, plundering, reducing me to whatever he wishes.
I love when he twists my hair into his fist and growls in my ear.
I love that he grips and probes my body with strength and ownership.
I love feeling his hand slapping my face over and over so violently that takes my breath away.
I love his grip around my throat, pinching my nose closed, covering my mouth - restricting my breath making me breath only for him.
I love when he holds me down, digging his fingers into my flesh that leave bruises and show me where I belong.
I love to when he uses his hands to make me suffer and cry tears for him.
I love feeling his hands slapping, punching, shoving, grabbing, twisting, pinching, clawing, choking, beating, stroking, caressing, soothing - all things that touch me and claim me as his property.
Damn I love him and his beautiful strong hands that torment me and love me all at once.

Collarversary

6 years ago today....

He picked me up at the airport where we were hugging and kissing like high school kids. After we headed to a fetish store. When we got out of the car, he took something out of his pocket. It was a lock and chain. It was a heavy hardware type chain. He slipped it around my neck and locked it in place. No words were exchanged. He claimed me as His without words being needed.

I remember I did not touch at first because I knew if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there.

Later in the car Master told me to touch it and the tears started flowing in the realization of it - the meaning of it and that I was really owned by Him.

6 years later I still get teary thinking about it.

I am so very happy to be owned by Him and thankful for all the wonderful memories that the last 6 years have brought. I look forward to each day on this journey with you! I love you Master!

Happy Holidays!

This year has been the least I have blogged. But I don't want to give up writing here so I hope those of you that read will keep hanging on with me. And I hope that I will be able to write more this next year.

We have had an incredibly busy but good year. I am very thankful for all we have in our lives...especially each other. Master and I recently were saying we might not like where we live and need a bigger home but we are blessed we have a roof over our head with so many out there struggling to make mortgage payments. We have a business that keeps growing. It pays our bills and allows us to do some fun things. It allows us to be together all the time. I remember when I was nervous 2 years ago that we might have problems adjusting to being around each other all the time but it was quite the opposite. We enjoy all the time we have together...whether during work or play it is all time we have together we count as one of our blessings.

Some simple pleasures of right now...

A white Christmas - snow on the ground and more coming our way
Christmas carols playing
Cookies and candies on the table
the tree all decorated even added an Obama ornament to it today
Hot apple cider in a cute Christmas mug

And tonight we will have dinner and then do one my favorite traditions with Master...go look at Christmas lights.

I know these are just a few things but recognize that I have many things to be counting as blessings in my life.

I wish all of you Happy Holidays!

Feeling Sad...

So last nights post ended up affecting me all day today. I don't talk about her hardly at all even to Master. I mean Master knows what went on with her but I don't ever talk about her since those first initial conversations about her. Not even on anniversaries. I think of her almost daily but I don't talk about her as it just hurts too much even all these years later. I am thankful for the good memories...I just wish I could not feel everything so much sometimes because it brings good and sad memories.

Turning off comments because...well I just was writing to get it out and hopefully not feel it so much tomorrow.

My First....Morgan

There is a thread on FetLife about first sexual experience with a woman - posted in a group for women. I don't belong to the group but have seen many friends replying to it and it got me thinking about my first sexual experience with a woman...

When I was young, I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with or attracted to the opposite sex . I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. But I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women at a very young age. I just never said it out loud. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to have crushes on males. When I entered high school, I then had crushes on girls and boys but never really named what I was feeling for girls as a crush. The first time I acted on feelings with a girl was at a slumber party. It was because of truth or dare - I know she sensed I had a crush on her and dared me to go into the next bedroom with her and do what she told me. (We just kissed nothing more.) I had not told anyone about my desires for women up to that point because by high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My first relationship and sexual experience with a woman were when I was a freshman in college. I met a beautiful girl the first day of orientation by running into her. I was juggling books - looking for the piece of paper that told me where to go next and I literally ran into her...a beautiful girl with long wavy red hair, pale skin with freckles and green eyes. She was one of those people that walks in a room and the whole room stops talking and looks -- she was that beautiful.

I, of course, wanted to sink into the crack of the sidewalk and melt away because I was totally embarrassed. But she was so nice. She made me feel at ease telling me not to worry about it as she remembered what it was like trying navigate the campus for the first time. She introduced herself....Morgan. We stood there and talked for a bit and before we parted she insisted on trading info so that she could check in on me make sure I was finding everything. She was a year older and there on campus that week helping out with freshman orientation.

That night feeling overwhelmed and really wondering if made the right decision about being there when the phone rang.  She called and insisted I meet her for coffee. It became a regular thing....she and I met up between classes, after dinner and so on. I thought it was so nice of her to be spending time with me and making me feel welcome and at ease with the big college experience.

One day we while studying in the student union she asked if I would go to dinner with her that night. She said that we could get all girly and sexy. Her Mom had sent her money to go have a nice dinner instead of campus food. I told Morgan she should be asking a cute boy to dinner but she said she wanted me to go with me...a very cute and sexy girl. Again I just thought she was just being nice to me.

At dinner I asked her why she didn't want to invite a guy....she said she liked spending time with me. I asked if she was interested in someone. She told me she was and I can still see the gleam in her eyes. But I was not getting -it- and went on to ask her who she liked. She looked right into my eyes and said, "you." I know I blushed a million shades red. I know I probably did that thing where I pointed to myself and looked around like she might mean someone else near us. Yes I am a dork.

She told me she liked me from that first day we bumped into each other and that she had been thinking about kissing me. She went on to describe kissing me in detail. Again I was a million shades of red. I started out being flattered, then the mixed feelings set in of "I shouldn't like her...she is a girl." She saw it set in. After dinner we went to her place and talked about some of those feelings I went through during dinner.  She made me feel completely comfortable and I relaxed so much that she made the move to kiss me.  We made out for a long time. It was hot...body tingling, breathless, heart beating fast - hot.

We started to date and it was amazing. I should say I was still involved with my boyfriend from high school (he was a senior in high school when I was a freshman in college) and is the same guy that ends up being my ex-husband. He never knew about her but she knew about him. It was a sore spot and area of long frequent discussions.

But on to the first time we had sex....It was hot also with her pushing me up against a stall of a bathroom in a club. We were kissing and touching as we danced.  It felt electric - such energy flowing between us that it needed to go somewhere - else.  She lead me to the bathroom - into a stall and pushed me against the wall of the stall and pushed my shirt up and then pulling my tits above my bra.  She teased, kissed and squeezed my breasts.  She unzipped my jeans and worked her fingers into me. She told me to beg her to "let me orgasm." The place was a club - grimy but it just made it even that much better. I begged and she brought me close many times but would always stop. Finally she stopped and told me I only got an orgasm at home where I would undress for her. I had been being shy to this point not wanting her to "see" me. So she worked me up so much that  she of course got what she wanted. Because she brought that slut side out - I wanted to do anything she asked and was willing to spread my legs or whatever she wanted me to do because I was so turned on. We went home and I undressed for her....more like striped for her. She told me what to do when I started letting the shy side start to creep up she just seemed to know what to say and do to bring my slut side back quickly. We ended up having....sex...the kind of sex where the sheets somehow end up not on the bed.

Sex with her was always amazing and brought me to tears a few times too because it scared me it felt so right. The whole relationship was like that...that is why I was crying -- it just wasn't the sex. It was just that I would feel these intense feelings and during sex I often exposed that vulnerable side and would react to the feelings then.

Here is what I wrote about her for my whose who page...
She was a great, intense, deep love of my life. She and I were involved when I was 18/19. I met her when I went away to college. We connected on this level that I have never really experienced quite the same since. Her and I clicked together like perfect pieces of a puzzle. Time was lost in her....because we were in our own world. If I would have just let go and not cared about what others thought...it would have been so incredibly easy with her. Because with her things were quiet and still because all my heart, soul and mind were full of her. She was spontaneous and exciting. She acted from her heart more then from her mind....just like me. And even though we had pain, tears and regret....I love her because it was right. I could write a book just on her. She died while I was involved with her -- when I was 19. And I will always love her.

Love needed to submit?

Over on one of the FetLife groups there is the age old question: do you need love to submit.

I think way back to Don and I didn't love him. I felt devotion that was driven by lust from the idea of submission and SM. But I didn't love him and I didn't trust him. From the first moment with him I knew there was something I shouldn't trust about him but it didn't stop me from jumping in. I was enthralled with the feelings that he brought out in me. It wasn't love though.

Then with my ex-husband I introduced D/s to him and it freaked him. But love came before the D/s. Maybe love caused problems for him because he often said that because he loves me he shouldn't want to do the things he did to me.

Okay so then the relationships up to being Master's....

First one after my husband -- it was enthrallment as it was my first time pursuing D/s and SM fully after my marriage so it was that sub frenzy thing going on where I just wanted to experience it all. My cunt was guiding me to submit not love.

And really I have to say all my relationships since - the D/s and M/s has come before love has come into the relationship. My relationship right before Master wasn't about love at all. The man didn't even really care for me other then that I submit that is all that mattered to him. And it was a very pure form M/s for me. There wasn't love mixed in so there wasn't really emotions mixing up my submission. It made it easier for me to submit actually.

After MC, I met Master and I desired to be his property and serve him before we loved each other. I do love him and he loves me. And on top of that we were romantic types....we like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss. We like candlelight dinners and leaving each other little love notes. It was nice to be with someone who was romantic because I hadn't had romance in my life in a long time.

The over all thing I notice in my relationships (serious and and long term relationships) is that I submit before I love the person. I might care for them, I might feel lust for them but not love when I first submit. I think love, affection and emotional attachment grows over time. I think it is normal state that comes from the devotion and dedication I have as a slave serving. I would say I desire love for long term relationships but what I need more is the dynamic to be in place and feel my sense of devotion to being property and a slave before love enters the relationship.

Master and I wouldn't be in this relationship together if we didn't have the type of dynamic we do. If he or I wanted to stop the D/s and M/s, then we would most likely "break-up" despite loving each other. We need the dynamic that is how we work.

Yes!

One of my favorite vanilla blogs wrote an incredibly beautiful post about the word yes several years ago. Before that post I had always liked the word yes for many of the reasons she stated but when I read what she wrote -- of course I paid attention to yes much more. This blogger was a school teacher and when grading papers if someone really wrote something that got to her as a human not just a teacher she wrote yes with an underline. Life has those moments you know...those moments when your soul shouts yes!

5 years ago I said yes in that way. I have told this story many times over the last 5 years and of course I will again...

I remember it so clearly. I feel the intensity of the moment. Master just pulled a chain out of his pocket and put it around my neck...and locked it in place. No words. He didn't tell me that he was going to do this. He didn't ask me. He just claimed me.

It was a yes moment because it Yes this is it. Yes He owns me. Yes this is right for the first time in my life. Yes...yes...yes!

This last 5 years has been so many moments of yes.

Yes to the moments of Him slipping that chain around my neck and locking it in place and knowing how privileged I am to be His.

Yes to those moments of snuggled on the couch watching a movie and laughing at the same time or even being touched by the same line.

Yes to Him helping and supporting me in so many dreams. And Him allowing me to do the same for Him.

Yes to the day trips that create wonderful laughter, conversation and just a sharing that I cherish.

Yes to Him wrapping His hand in my hair and bring my eyes to met His....seeing that connection.

Yes to the kisses, hugs and dancing for no reason but to touch each other.

Yes to the feeling so alive when we look at each other.

Yes to the faith in each other that is always steadfast.


Yes to the hard times for allowing us to see how far our relationship can go - together.

Yes to the creativity that we energize in each other.


Yes to our passion for this path we are on.

I could go on and on with yes moments. I am just very thankful for each and everyone of them. I am very thankful I have someone in my life that helps me create and see YES!

Thank you Master for the last 5 years....thank you for making me Yours....I love you!

5 Years

I woke up to little notes all over the house and a beautiful love letter. I am a very lucky girl!

Just so I remember...

We have had a really great weekend..it started Friday afternoon and just kept going! Just a lot of quality time together. Including playtime and watching Stardust. :)

(I know the icon is all hearts and flowers but I am romantic you know.)

The Gift of Love

This morning I woke up seeing the Christmas tree in the living room from our bedroom...all the lights on it were sparkling. And Christmas music just starting to float through the air. It was Christmas! We were out of town with family on the actual Christmas so decided to have our traditional Christmas celebration today. The stockings were packed full, the presents spilling out from under the tree and it really did feel like Santa had visited our house last night.

We opened our stockings first....I pulled out a folded piece of paper...that had me in tears the first line. Master has a way with heartfelt feelings coming through in words. It basically was a reflection of this past year together and just over all our time together that touched me deeply. His words were beautiful and full of love. We may be Master and slave but we are romantics at times too. Today was definitely filled with that romance and love.

I am very grateful for each moment together. As I said in my last post there are moments everyday that make my life truly special. And of all the gifts under the tree that letter will be one I cherish and remember always. Because it is the gift of love. I know I am being all mushy...believe me I am sitting here in tears as I type. I am very blessed and grateful for being a part of His life. And I love you very much Master!

Having It All

How can I achieve a relationship with M/s, love, compassion, and abuse? Is it possible? I know that when I think of what Don did to me, some things my ex-husband did to me, and now the Sadist does to me...I question if it can be achieved.

Every time I walk away from the Sadist, I am broken. Oh yeah, I am seeing him again. I need to put myself back together. But is it really putting myself back together or is it putting masks and layers on to pretend I am like everyone else. Pretend I am a good girl that likes to be treated like a princess? Oh please...a princess?   Only time I have liked playing princess is within my Daddy/little girl relationship with Kam.  But even then I wasn't princess, but just Daddy's good girl. But really that is a small part of my personality.  The fear, the brutality, the need to be abused, humiliated, and degraded, those are me. Those take up a huge part of who I am and I am sure it is the parts that make a few friends tell me I won't ever be a slave. That a slave doesn't need those things. A slave is about obedience and service. I am wired for both so why can't I be wired for obedience, service, the need to feel fear, abuse, brutality, humiliation and degradation - why can't I find a relationship with all that and love?

Pain is Love

I feel free.....tonight.

Todd asked me once "If pain is love what is love?"

Love is pain. I don't think love is just pain I think it is joy, understanding, trust, intimacy and so much more.

Convo with Nick

Music: No Music - TV on

Topic: Convo with Nick

I feel like I could write a book tonight. My mind is on extra overload today. My thoughts jump from one thing to the next.

Monday I signed online and was checking something and found out Nick had been online - long story how I knew that but anyway I knew he had. So I opened my email next and there was nothing in my box from him. Kam and I were just about to eat dinner and I started crying as soon as I looked into the email box. I could not stop. I went to the bathroom to get my back together and then ate.

I knew Nick would call tonight.

He did......call. Basically just to say he is alive.

The other day I wrote about I just wanted Nick to say everything is okay after an email I sent him. And after talking to him tonight I am not sure everything is okay. I mean yes he still is calling and yes he wants me but I have the distinct impression my email scared him. Tonight he said something and I said something like - "it is one of the reasons I like you." He said, "You think that scares me" and I said, "no." He then said, "You can't scare me" and I said something like, "oh yes I can." He ended that part of the conversation with, "lets not go there tonight."

I guess the "L" word scared him.

Monday Mission

MONDAY MISSION

1. When was the last time you pampered yourself?

hmmm pampered....I can't remember. The last time I pampered myself.....I do not know if I ever have....sad but true.

2. When was the last time someone pampered you?

Every time I think of being pampered I think of this one time I received a massage, snuggled and slept with someone in a non-sexual way....just intimate. I was pampered that night to me....and that was probably the last time I was pampered. Kam does nice things for me but I would not really call it pampering me.

3. Describe the last time you recall really feeling loved
(other than from children or pets).

Ugggh these questions are bring up things I wrote about last night but have not posted yet. :(

I know I am loved by many people. But feeling loved....I do not feel loved very often. And can't recall the last time I felt loved.

4. Has your use of the computer ever caused any arguments? What's the story there?

Yes, ex husband thought I was having an affair. Kam and I have had fights about it also - the use of the computer, but for different reasons then Jim's but hard to explain.

5. What's the most embarrassing thing your Mom ever did?

hmmm not sure....the only thing coming to mind is that my mom sent a anniversary card to family friends.....it was going to be from all of us ...but instead of signing our last name The So and So's. She signed our family friend's last name. So lets say our last name is Smith and the friend's are the Johnson's. She signed the Johnson's instead of the Smith's on a card to them. lol hope that made sense - not sure I am all wake.

6. I've met some adults who've never learned to swim, and others who never learned how to ride a bike.. Is there anything that you never learned as a child that you probably should have?

I have a distinct impression I have had this conversation with someone and they were like you never did but I can't for the life of me think what it was now. Guess it was not that important then huh? :)

7. I have no idea who said it (and I spent all of two minutes trying
to research it), but "someone" once said, a picture is worth a thousand words. Post an image that says more than words. Or instead, describe a picture you recall which touched your heart.

I love art and there have been many pieces of art that have touched my heart. (I will add more to this post in a little bit..but wanted to get it posted before Monday ended for me lol)

BONUS: What's love got to do with it? Everything.

Thursday Threesome

Onesome. The Good. Read a good book lately? Recommend a recent read - as well as your favorite book of all time....

Well I am reading Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach right now. The last book I read was one I read already but decided to read again.....The Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock. My favorite book of all time.....would have to be The Valkyries by Paulo Coehlo.

Twosome. The Bad. Was it so bad that you couldn't watch anymore? Tell us about a bad movie - did you leave or suffer through it? (Videos can count, too)

The Stuff was a movie I went to on a date when I was in High School. It was really bad lol We just decided to go to the theater and then got there and the only movie starting was it - so we went lol We suffered through it.

Threesome. And The Ugly. And then things turned ugly.... Oh, have a day (or date) seem to go so horribly wrong it can only be described as "ugly"? Tell us all about it...

I really have never a day or date that was "ugly." I have had bad days and horrible days but not something I would describe as "ugly."

I am going to do last Thursday's Threesome also because I liked it......

Onesome. The Sun. Blow some sunshine my way, and tell me what makes you feel joyful.

Joyful....good books, good music, good friends, and shopping :)

Twosome. The Moon. By the light of the silvery moon....tell me about your most romantic evening.

Most romantic evening was with my ex-husband. It was our 5th wedding anniversary - we were in Colorado. Jim had planned everything. We stayed in a condo overlooking a stream and the mountains. The room had a Jacuzzi tub that had windows looking out on to the stream and mountains. On our anniversary day we had fun in the Jacuzzi and then got ready to go to dinner. Before that though Jim told me to go sit on the patio. The sun was just setting and he came out with 2 glasses of champagne and he toasted our 5 years. We drank a little and then I looked into my glass and there in at the bottom of the fluted champagne glass was a ruby ring. It is the most beautiful ring. I got it out and then he put it on my finger and told me how much he loved me. We then went to a very romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant. It was in an old Victorian house that had all this beautiful furniture and art. The china was just a beautiful also. After dinner we took a walk through the town and then went back to our room and made passionate love. It was an incredible day and an incredible vacation. Something I will never forget.

Threesome. And The Stars. What's your sign, baby? And do you believe in that sort of thing, anyway?

I am a Libra and yes I believe in that sort of thing.....not completely always but there are some things that are on it too much not to believe it somewhat for me.

Daily Ramble on Various Topics

Music: Enrique Iglesias ~ Escape

I have been writing but writing offline. It kind of seems like I have a slight relapse of the pneumonia or I might have bronchitis now. Two days after I stopped taking meds (took through full prescription) I started to feel bad again - I have had a fever again and then other symptoms. So, I am going to the doctor again tomorrow.

Nick's last day of his job was on Monday. He is not sure yet when/if he will start in the academy. He was kind of offered something else now too, so he has been debating on what whether to go to the police academy or go in the directions of this other job. He called right after I had read an email (that I was not thrilled about getting) on Sunday so we talked about that. It is so interesting to hear his views - because they are totally opposite of Todd's view on the same subject.

Honey called me today. She was planning her trip to the states. She brings her son here to stay with his dad during the summer. And so she wanted to come visit, but then she was thinking about maybe I could use some time away. She wants me to go visit her parents with her. So, it looks like that is what I am going to do.

Of course she is coming to the states the same time she did last year. And when she was here last year she made Todd tell me the truth. Laughing because that is pretty much how it was....she had a conversation with him found out how he felt (something I had been asking him for weeks) and then *made* him tell me. And that is when we broke up. I thought of the night before we broke up....Honey, myself, "Sir", Todd and Di all at TGI Friday's....what a night. I told Todd I was in love with him that night...yeah yeah the night before we broke up....how ironic huh? I remember Di yelling at him in the parking lot and then Honey having a talk with him too. He must have loved that lol How ironic too that Di got mad at him and told him not to hurt me.....and yet....look at where things are now. Funny how life turns out.....

Good Night....

peace,
danae

I love my best friend

Music: a mix of music mostly about love and being there for each other

I am about to post something that is hard for me to post. It is a journal entry from my handwritten journal from back at the beginning of March. I don’t have the exact date because it was one of those I forgot to date but it is between March 1st and March 11th in my journal.

I have given lots of thought to posting this and other things that happened with Di. Why should I not post how I feel? That is what my journal is for to write about what I feel and what is going on with me. Nothing I say in it is malicious or a lie. So, I am posting this…- but of course nervous about it still.

From Handwritten journal - Beginning of March -

I want to be needed. No one's ever thought they might tear their hair out if they never spoke to me again, you know. I want someone to let the phone ring a dozen times just in case I'm coming in the door while it's ringing. I want someone to want to keep me more than they want to keep their composure. I want someone who'll kick and scream if they think they might lose me, who won't let me go without a proper fight. I'm always the one who is left saying, "Wait... don't go". And when I say something else instead, I still always mean, "Wait...don't go".

Di sent that to me. And she did it, I feel, for a reason. I feel she was screaming for me not to go.

We are best friends. I was sitting here thinking of all the things her and I have been through and all we supported each other through. And then I started thinking of all the things that she went through since this summer and how much I was willing to do anything for her to help her and her girls. And it feels like I got kicked in the stomach.

For months it felt like to me she was pushing me out and I kept screaming “Wait don’t go” and I kept saying it and she was not listening. I have (and other friends of hers) have felt she is being self-destructive. And maybe this was just another way to do that…- to betray her best friend and push me out completely?

I love unconditionally. And I love her - unconditionally - or how I like to say it - without boundaries. Until now....because trust was broken. It has been so hard not to have my best friend around. But how can I trust someone that betrayed me like she did? I want to, but I am not sure Di is willing to go through the work needed to salvage being best friends.

I can hear her telling me she was a bad person. I can hear her asking if I felt we would always be friends. I can hear her asking if there were anything she would do that I could not get past. She said all those things to me out loud often.

Do those things justify what she did? I feel she believes it does. But it does not. We have choices in this world. We can’t control others - what they do, how they act, or what they say….but we can control ourselves. We can think before we do the things we do. We have choices.

I have not left her - I still chat with her, think about her, and worry about her, and that probably won‘t change ever. And I will be here if she needs me. But the next step to repair things is her choice. Because without us facing this. . . It will NEVER NEVER be the same.

peace,
danae

La la la la la la la la

I just thought I would write a little since I am up and not able to sleep. I am feeling a little better. I have pretty much stuck to my bed for a week now. While stuck in bed I have been thinking thinking and thinking of course.....oh no! I have wrote some too - not much because even holding a pen there for a while hurt.

I am trying to (as I have been for weeks now) figure out what to do with my life. I have no idea still what I am going to do. I had someone recently say that he wanted to sweep me off my feet. And that is exactly what I want right now. Would most say that is the thing for me right now? No, they would not.

I do not remember what movie it was that I was watching that said....

"If love was a choice who would chose love since it is such an exquisite pain."

It is true....love is not a choice. Or I would have stopped loving him by now. March 25th, 2001 was the first time he contacted me. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and then other times if feels like it was years ago.

I am trying to figure out why I love this man still. He hurt me really like no one ever has hurt me and I still feel love for him. I can think of the things he did and said and know they were wrong. I remember discussing them with Di and other friends and everyone agreeing that what he did was wrong and he was screwed up. She called him an asshole probably more then I did and all this makes no sense. And through this all I still have the images come to me the first time I met him....it is a slow motion picture in my head and it hurts so much. The spot on my breasts hurts tonight. I always wonder why it hurts sometimes and not others........

A song I can't get out of my head lol....

Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out Of My Head

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

Every night
Every day
Just to be there in your arms

Won't you stay
Won't you lay
Stay for ever and ever and ever and ever

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

There's a dark
Secret in me
Don't leave me locked in your heart

Set me free
Fill the need in me
Set me free
Stay for ever and ever and ever and ever

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)

Good night....

peace,
danae

Did he say he would be nice?

This is one of those posts I debated about posting……but reread tonight and feel it is okay to post. Actually will probably be posting a lot more of my offline journals….to be true to myself. Nothing I have said in them is not true, or is cruel or malicious, and/or is not expressive of how I feel about what happened.

Written Tuesday March 12th….

Friends....

I see friends being able to have different views and different ways to handle things.

A while back Kam and I had a fight and I was very hurt after it. But the thing about it....is that Kam apologizes and does not want to hurt me again. I have a few friends that have hurt me recently. None of them have apologized.

Kam and I have had some really rough times. But at least he apologizes. And even more then that he works on not doing that again so not to hurt me. The friends that have hurt me recently have not apologized. And I am sure the one does not even see where she should. The other friend I know understands what she did even if she is pretending she did not do what she did. I actually am still even having problems wrapping my mind around that a friend could do that to another let alone someone she called a friend.

When I was finding out that the one friend was lying to me...she said to me "Did he say he would be nice?" I can't believe it….that she even asked that question.

So a mad man walks into the school and kills 32 kids? Did he tell them he would be nice? Can he say to the courts “oh I did not tell them I would be nice Judge Sir.” Bring it down to "our" every day reality....a person says they are having a bad day or pmsing...does that mean they have the "right" to treat a person poorly?

Are those people friends? Yes, I think we all have the times when our bad days and pms and whatever it is that gets under your skin comes out at others - but when it happens consistently is that “right”?

You will probably see that analogy with the kids being killed again…as I have been wondering about posting other parts of my offline journals to my online journal where I talk about that whole incident a lot more.

peace,
danae

Ps: To answer the question did he tell me he would be nice…… he told me he would take care of me, help me, guide me, teach me, show me love - to love and to be love and not hurt me….do those things mean he would be nice…..yes to me they do.

Love

Monday....

I am putting a time when I started this 5pm Monday evening.

Music: The Cranberries

My day started with a surprise. A surprised about a friend closing her business also. I feel guilty for some things regarding my business but when I weigh things out I know I did not have another choice really.

It is like my life has ended. I have no idea where I am going with it at the moment. My job had become everything to me. It consumed at least 65 hours of my week. I wake up with no direction and no focus. I feel completely lost and alone. I have always felt alone even with a group of people but this is even a new stage of loneliness. Maybe it is grief?

Michael, the friend I met this weekend online this weekend who is an artist, called me today. We had a nice chat. It is kind of eerie how much he and I have in common - just everyday life stuff.

I then had a nice chat with Monseigneur_E's slave. It was an interesting discussion. We talked about the realities of slavery basically. That so many people think it is one way...or want it to be one way but when they actually live it they find out it is very different. Slave have emotions just like all people do and those just do not go away or get turned off.

I lived as a slave for 2 years and during that time I was an obedient but very unhappy slave. I followed my rules and in that 2 years was punished 3 times. It never occurred to me during that time to not ask for permission to do anything. Before I knew what D/s was I was asking Jim for permission to do things. I never went out without asking. I told him before I left a room. I told him every morning what I planned on doing with my day. And I did not have a clue what D/s was about. It is kind of freaky that I submitted to him without even realizing it. When I was a slave I needed some training but most of it just came naturally. The only problem was that my needs were not being fulfilled. And that is why I eventually asked for release.

....stopped......and now starting again at 5:14am Tuesday morning.....

Music: Michelle Branch

Monday night.....I talked with Nick on the phone for 2 hours. We talked about the email I sent him back at the beginning of February. It was a good talk. He is always teaching me to look at things differently. We talked about so much....it was good and again he does not get scared when I cry which is a very good thing :)

I then signed online later and went into Mistress DM's chat room. And not even quite sure what to say about it. I mean I have purposely not written until just now because I was not only hurt but mad. I got my feelings hurt over a VERY sensitive issue with her. I actually had a discussion with 2 people about it today...how much it bothered me. Mistress DM has told me for a very long time I am not a slave (almost going on a year when she told me that). Which has amazed me as she always felt I was a slave up until I started talking about love. She also feels because I want attention makes me not a slave. I would say all the people I know and view as slave's.....they all want attention. Most just do not admit it out loud and I do. Why do we hang out and chat with the Dominant online? Not like there is much service to do then. We do it to talk with them....be with them...they are giving us attention during that time. Why would I not want my Master's attention? He wants mine.

If all I wanted was love....I could have stayed with Jim. If all I wanted was attention I could be with countless men that want to be with me. But I want more then that....I want to surrender. And I believe that if I am surrendering to someone I want it to be someone I love. I do not think there is anything unusual about that. All the slaves I know love their Owners.

I think every Dominant(in an ongoing relationships with not just a weekend or week) I have been with would tell me that I wanted them to be my ALL....and that I loved them and felt they were my Master. And many would say I did not see them as my partner. Funny thing is I have not had a partner since Morgan. Most would say that it was them that did not want to be my all...one exception to that. And by that point my trust had been broke to much to make him my all.

I think there is more I could write about this subject but it is now 5:30am and I should be in bed.

good night...

peace,
danae