End of 2013 and the start of 2014

Life Update in  bullet points...

* Destiny - In October, Master and I started seeing someone local.  Her name is Destiny.  Master and I are both head over heels for her...as she is fabulous!  We are over 3 months in now and still have some of the honeymoon phase going on, but we all have settled into a normalcy that is really good. We connect as to her individually, but also all together.  She serves Master and is his submissive.  She is my girlfriend. And together all 3 of us are a family. I will write more about her and how things are progressing at another time. But for now we are a family and we are all very happy.

* Tied Up - For the first time 10 years, I was touched by another man.  Master has been the only man to touch in me in the 10 years I have been with him. A local group started a Rope Bite. You get together and practice rope bondage. I have always loved rope bondage and it isn't something Master is overly fond of...he does it, but not his favorite type of bondage.  Anyway, a good friend was going and Master asked if he needed a rope bottom for it and lent me to our friend for the evening.  Now it was totally over the clothes practicing rope, but to have a man touch me even over the clothes in such an intimate way - well again first time in 10 years.  Let's just say I was nervous.  Yep me who has been with a few men in my time was nervous. Our friend was very kind and conscientious of my anxieties.  I really enjoyed myself.  He tied me in ways that made me hurt so good for days. I loved it and I am so very grateful to him for allowing me to be his bottom. I hope we are able do it again sometime.  He is an amazing man and I am so glad he moved to our community.

* Holidays - We were out of town for almost 3 weeks straight after Thanksgiving into December. So I didn't get the tree up until 8 days before Christmas. I didn't get any cards or packages mailed out this year. I didn't get to do many of my usual things like bake. But I will tell you Thanksgiving and Christmas were absolutely fabulous! Having Destiny being a part our holidays just made it so special. Our Thanksgiving and Christmas was just us 3.  It was lovely and fun. We watched Polar Express in the evening of Thanksgiving.  We did other traditions with her such as going around and looking at lights and decorating the tree together. We create great memories.  Our families are getting used to us talking about Destiny and her being here with us as part of our family. 

* Family - I haven't seen my bio family in over a year so missing them. My Grandma also died just before Christmas.  She was 97 years old and been ready for quite some time.  I have been detached from it mostly, but at odd times having it hit me. 

* Travel - We have had lots of little mini-trips around the state. We went to Boulder. Then right after Christmas we went to Denver. We did touristy things like going to the Denver Art Museum.  We had a large hotel room where we were able to enjoy a king size bed as we only have a queen at home.  Destiny and I dressed up slutty for Master.  Our night was hot and sexy - sex and SM late into the night - yums!

We did have a funny moment in Target though earlier as we didn't pack condoms or lube - yeah I know what is up with that? Anyway, I hadn't bought condoms in a while and neither had Destiny so here it is her and I going into buy condoms.  We standing looking at all the condoms and trying to decide which ones we should get. Finally we get a package, turn around, and there is a couple standing right behind us - waiting to look at condoms.  I am sure our conversation made them wonder what the heck is going on....2 women buying condoms like we never have....I am sure they thought we were 2 lesbians who picked up a man to try it out. lol  :)  Anyway thank goodness we got the condoms, because oh they were used. Destiny riding Master is such a hot sight. Oh yeah so sexy.  We are damn lucky to have such a sexy beautiful woman.  So grateful we met her. 

* Friends -  I know in September, I said we were more active in the local community.  Well we kind of dropped out of it again. One reason - we started seeing Destiny. When I say seeing her -  I mean we see each other everyday for the last 3 month except when Master and I have work/business out of town and she can't come with us.  We are living our dream life and it is hard to fit other things in. Really we haven't even seen the kinky friends we are close to that often either.  We are missing them and hope to get together with everyone soon. Unfortunately we are like that new couple that doesn't contact their friends when they are seeing someone new because they are so into each other...yeah we are all so into each other are kind of oblivious to others outside us. Often we see stuff posted online and go hmm must of have missed what that is about because it doesn't even make sense to us as we are so outside it all right now and so into each other. 

* Sharing - I did a little talk for a group of submissive on service. I remembered, although it makes me nervous, I do like sharing information and ideas. I am going to have that talk and some additional thoughts on service up on our website soon.

* Therapist - I came out to my therapist about BDSM.  Now she knows everything.  It helped her put things in perspective a little differently. A few things made more sense to her.  And as always she was fabulous when I came out to her about it. She gets it so well. She sees where I struggle and why and in a BDSM context.  She loves Destiny and thinks she is a positive force in my life as Destiny has made me see myself slightly differently. I was on this course last year of really allowing some of the parts of me that I turned of to come back out and play and Master has been great about it too, but Destiny being a woman has helped me understand parts of myself better by seeing myself through her eyes.  Not sure that is making sense, but I just know she has helped me and my therapist sees it too.

* Art & Photography - Both are playing huge part in my life. It is something I do with a good group of friends as well as Destiny too.  I know art and photography are going to continue to play a big part of my 2014.

Really I am just so grateful that 2013 was a year filled with ups and downs, but overall joy and love which makes it a truly beautiful year. I look forward to 2014 as I know it is going to be fabulous!

Meeting Family

I got a question from a comment a while back on how we were going to introduce teacup to Master's family when we were going to a family event last month.  

I lived within a poly family in Ohio. Now I lived with a man, a several female. My family never asked me about it, but they knew I was the man. They just never asked about everyone else. They just "assumed" they were roommates.  But I did always think they kind of wondered what was going on as it didn't quite make sense. My family just tends to deal with me as being on the outside and a free-spirit that doesn't do normal things. So they tend to not think about what is really going on. 

When teacup started visiting us, we told family about a friend visiting. They are now getting used to hearing her name every time we visit each other. We aren't really coming out to them, just trying to get them used to knowing she is here and part of our family. We have come out to two family members though about her, one on my side and one on Master's. So Master's sister knew who she was to us and and welcomed her. Master's sister is excited that we have found someone to be a part of our family.

I will say that I do think Master's Dad might ask eventually about her and what is going on. I am not sure that it will happen just a hunch.  We have discussed some options if that happens and one is just saying she is a part of our family. I am not sure how much will be asked, but the truth is she is a part of our family.

For now though Master's parents really like teacup and were happy to meet her.  

Moments of Beautiful Fall Colors

The lack of posts in September were because we were gone out of town a little over 2 weeks.  Plus a week of getting ready and then we came home it was straight into work.

I really like road trips with Master. Although we didn't get a lot of alone time outside of the car - we at least had that time.  When we get in a car, we talk and talk. At home sometimes Master is too busy to have some deep, intense conversations, but in the car on a long road trip allows for him to just get away from business and let his mind go free....so we have these amazing conversations. We also took lots of back roads and saw so many beautiful places with amazing fall colors even that early. It was really nice.

We had a really good trip though because we were able to see family and friends. After business and such we traveled on to see my sister and her family....seeing especially my niece. She is going to be 2 soon and is acting like she is 2. She threw temper tantrums as well as being sweet and adorable.  My parents came down from their home to see us too. That was nice, but also kind of tense as my Dad's politics is getting on my nerves.  He posts political stuff on FB that make my blood boil and I usually try to counter what my Dad posts. As I don't usually say anything to him directly about politics as he is my Dad, but I also don't want the stuff he posts to be hanging out there so I post usually the counter of it.  So anyway....with my parents coming down to see us...I had to remind Master and myself that we couldn't talk politics. It was a little tense with my Dad, but we still had a nice time with everyone. And I got a lot of quality time with my niece.

I outed myself on the poly and teacup to my sister. I knew I had told her about having multiple partners when I was with Kam, but with Master she I know assumed we were monogamous  She asked some good questions - she first asked if were like Sister Wives.  I laughed and said no, but I am sure now people think of poly as that.  But really it went well.  She was fine with it and as always I think she will just chalk it up to - "it is my sister and expected that she lives an unconventional life." Because my family kind of views me as a free spirit.

After seeing my family, we had more work stuff to do.  It was really nice though to see the people we were working with as we hadn't seen them in quite a long time. I also got a different view of one of them that I didn't really understand until staying with there. We had a great hostess and I also saw the pain she does through still because of the event we all went through.  I really gained some respect and caring for her on a different level. I was thankful to have been able to help them.

From there we met up with teacup and it was great to be able to see her.  She gave me a coloring book and crayons! I always love to color! It was such a sweet gift - that I am so thankful to have someone in my life who remembers those kind of things about me.  Thank you teacup for the Princess coloring book and crayons!

So by the time we got to see teacup on our trip - we had almost been gone 2 weeks so I was pretty exhausted from having to be on around my family and friends. Plus I got my period (the 2nd that month) that was hitting me really hard.  So I wasn't in a great mood even though I was thrilled to see teacup. I had been wishing I could give her and Master more quality alone time as we all shared a hotel room so not like I had a place really to go when I was feeling so miserable because of my period.  But we made do and I got to see her and Master play and that is always fun to see! Yay me for getting to be a voyouer!

It is always hard to leave each other, but we look forward to November when she will be here for Thanksgiving! I can't wait to have her here for such a special holiday.

On our way home from our trip Master and I stayed at an amazing hotel in smaller town in Nebraska. Out of all the places we stayed it was the most beautiful and roomy...just packed with lush amenities.  We were both wishing we weren't so tired and staying one more night so we could have really enjoyed it.  It was really gorgeous room with a really good price too for such a plushy room.

What else is going on....

I have lost 20 pounds. Unfortunately my reasons for losing that weight is mostly due to pain making me not very hungry.  I am still struggling with my sciatica, but I have an appointment at the end of the month that I really am crossing my fingers will show us the reason I have been having problems....which is one leg is longer then the other.  But if that is the reason then there are solutions I think that we can work with to help get me back on track and feeling better.

Another good thing....I have been having nightmares 4 to 6  nights a week and my therapist found a drug to help block them. I have taken it only 2 nights, but I haven't had any so far and look forward to see it continue to work as sleep has been amazing for my mood/depression.

We have been really busy...it feels like we are really running around quite a lot and we are...as things are busy. Busy is good. But we are very tired and so that means I have been going to bed much much earlier then I ever have and trying to get more sleep. The last 2 nights, I have for sure and very thankful.

Overall I hope to be able to get back into the blogging swing of things.....just trying to catch up and breath a little first.

You are the Only One

You know something I can't stand.....when people try to tell you what is best for you even when they are going by just some posts on the internet.  They read your blog or posts on FetLife and decide they know you better then you do yourself.  Even my close friends usually don't tell me what is best for me. They just remind me that I am the one with the answers for myself.  So not sure why people who are strangers from the internet feel they know someone completely just from reading a blog online...why they feel they know them better then that person knows themselves.

Here is an example I keep coming across on the blog-o-sphere....

"You shouldn't be pursuing poly." Sometimes it is just that or sometimes they offer up more...a because - such as if the persons issues/struggles that then they shouldn't be poly.  

I have in the almost 12 years of blogging and longer being in the community heard this for everything under the sun...

"You shouldn't be with him because if you are struggling it must not be meant to be."

"You shouldn't be with him because he is abusing you." 

"You shouldn't do poly because are jealous."

"You shouldn't do poly because you have doubts of his love for you."'
"You should break up with him if he isn't doing what you want." 

"You shouldn't do bdsm because you like pain too much so will put yourself in danger."

So on and so forth....of "You should or shouldn't..."

But what I say is - First if you are someone that offers up that "You should(n't)....",  please stop and realize "You should(n't)...." really doesn't help.  If you are someone that gets "You should(n't)..." from people just offering up their advice, PLEASE don't let someone on the internet who doesn't know you tell you what you should and shouldn't do or what is best for you. YOU are the only one that can know if poly is the right path for you. You are the only one that can tell if a relationship is abusive. You are the only one that can tell if person you are with is right for you.  

We all struggle and have doubts at times. It is looking at those and deciding why and how to work through it is the right thing to do.  And YOU are the only one who can do that....not any stranger or semi-stranger who comments on your blog.

last week

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Communication

Something I count really among my many blessings is how well Master and I do communicate. It isn't perfect. It isn't that we always say the right thing to each other but in the end we keep talking and working it out until it is resolved.  Actually it is something my previous therapist and my current therapist always comment on - how well Master and I communicate.  It is something that we have proven to be quite good in our poly relationship with teacup as well.  We express ourselves and talk through issues and problems that arise as well as just talking daily about life and beliefs.  It strengthens our relationship and keeps adding good things to our foundation. 


Today's Daily Om was about communication and I thought it to be quite good so sharing some of it. But please follow the link to read the rest. 

"When we are in a relationship where we feel listened to and understood, we count ourselves lucky because we know how rare that experience is. We reserve our most intimate selves for the people who, along with us, cocreate an open space where we feel free to express ourselves and listen without judgment. These relationships, which thrive on open communication, can mean the difference between existential loneliness and a deep sense of belonging. We all long to feel heard, understood, and loved, and clear communication makes this possible." -  Daily OM May 24, 2012

"The key is to find ways to center ourselves so that we communicate meaningfully, lovingly, and wisely. In this way, we honor our companions and create relationships in which there is a genuine sense of understanding and respect."  - Daily OM May 24, 2012

Teacup

Teacup departed our arms  a week ago today. It was extremely hard to let her go as we had such an amazing time.

I am really glad that teacup's time with us gave her a taste of our everyday experiences. Master is self-employed and often our day/week get totally messed up because work comes first. And work got in the way right away. Monday and Tuesday we had tentative plans to meet some friends so they could meet teacup but Master ended up needing to do work both those days which then put other things we had wanted to do out of the schedule too. It really was a week of just planning it kind of day to day.

She got to experience everyday things like cleaning and folding clothes while Master was out on business. Her and I shopping and doing errands for Master while he was busy with work.  Her and Master running errands for his work and because we had to of course do some home repairs while she was here. She is a handy girl for sure - helped out on every level from sorting and filing things to doing home repairs. She just dove into the projects and was just willing to help out in any way.

We of course had LOTS of fun in there too.

Some highlights...mostly good with a few not so good thrown in to show it was everyday life full of ups and downs but mostly ups....
* her first night here - seeing her in bed with Master and being able to kiss them both good night. (our bed isn't big enough for all 3 of us to sleep comfortably in so we switched off nights sleeping with her)  It was quite overwhelming for me - in a good way. I was overwhelmed with love, affection and just joy...joy of seeing them in bed together...seeing her HERE with us.  It really choked me up with overflowing feelings and tears.

* I ended up being sick my first night sleeping with her

* I started spotting the day she arrived and then my period hit about half way through her visit and stopped the day she left.  My period was 10 days early. :(

* got to enjoy one of my obsessions with her - Harry Potter. She hadn't seen the last one so we watched the last 3 with her.  We also watched North by Northwest which is in my top 10 favorite movies. And we watched The Secretary which she hadn't seen before either.

* seeing teacup in her first hood, leather collar, cuffs and gag

* Master gagged us the first or second night - while he read from Laura Antoniou's  The Slave.  It was fun to see her drool. Her gag is much larger then mine as I have a small mouth - no really I do  My dentist even has told me that my mouth is small and always is asking me to open it more. :) Anyway - I have a small gag and she has a LARGE ball gag - she looked so pretty in it.

* Hearing Master and her having fun - really turned me on except for once...

* And I had a meltdown.  We all talked it out but it was very emotional. After that, later in the evening I did an Osho Zen tarot reading for all of us. teacup had never done tarot before and all of us....all of our cards were so spot on. I had 3 significant cards, but the last card actually used words from the meltdown earlier in the day.  It was very scary actually how accurate it was - we were looking at them like damn. It is amazing how much they can "read" you.

* teacup was a great help to me with a major project and doing some things around the house. I know I didn't let her do much, but this was also her vacation from work and I wanted her to be able to just relax. Next time she comes - I have promised to let her help more in chores and cooking. I pretty much spoiled her with food - I cooked a lot of our favorites and just had things planned out pretty good so that meals were covered.

* the liberator from Eden Fantasys arriving just in time to make sure her ass was in the air for Master to beat. (review of the liberator most likely coming at some point)

* knowing she now understands why when I say I am lucky that Master played the drums what I mean by that.  Master is the best spanker and it is all because he is a drummer. 

* my goodness that girl can take pain.  Really she could have gone on and on and on.

* She had lovely bruises on her ass and inside of her thighs.

* Her favorite toy is the Evil stick. (grins) Right teacup?  She knows the name fits it.

*  We had little afternoon trip to basically our backyard - where she took, I think it was, over 500 photos.

* We had a day trip too - and was wonderful to show her spots that have special meaning for us and create a moment that will now make it a very special spot for her.  Master collared her at one of our favorite places.  A waterfall we love to go to.

* I believe she enjoyed getting a taste of being chained to the bed at night. One night sleeping with her - her and I woke up with our male cat meowing because he wanted to be fed. He kept sitting there looking at us and meowing like "hey you guys are up come and feed me" but we were both chained to the bed.  So we kept telling him to go wake Master.  Have you ever watched Lassie where Lassie would come and tell them something by barking and of course they always understood. It would be something like Timmy fell in the well. We were doing that with our male cat - telling him to go tell Master Timmy fell in the well so he would come undo us from the bed .  Okay so maybe you needed to be here to get it :)

* Got some wine from local winery to enjoy on her last night here.  Also spent that afternoon at paint your own pottery place creating keepsakes for each other - we each took a turn at each other's piece to paint some of it.

*  One day Master had to work with a group of people and teacup and I were able to watch.  A couple people who are colleagues of Master but also friends said teacup and I looked like sisters.  Her and I both blushed because of the alternate meaning to us.  They all looked at her as a friend.  But she is part of our family and although sister isn't a word I would use for us - it is closest that works and that many use in poly situations.

Teacup is amazing person...she is so kind, funny, smart, adorable, pretty and sexy. She adapted quickly to things changing around here and the ups and downs. I loved being able to just spend time with her - no matter what it was...if it was sucking on her nipple or just talking - every moment with her was amazing. I feel really blessed we found such an amazing person to be a part of our family.

We had a lot more moments and each moment just seemed to feel right - right with her here with us.  It is something we are working towards. It will most likely be a long road to get her here with us but we are all wanting this so willing to wait.  But letting her go was really hard but we are looking ahead and keeping in mind all the wonderful memories we created.  We look forward to next time we see each other and for the eventual day she can move here to be with us.

(photo taken by Master several years ago even though Master did take some more this time. The falls just weren't as full right now so showing you a picture of them in their full beauty)

Amazing Day

"What if today, danae, was your day? The most amazing day of your life, so far? A day that would change everything for the better? What's already good would become great. What's already great would become amazing. And what's already amazing would become the stuff of legends.


And all you had to do to take advantage of the good and wonderful things about to happen for you, was treat folks with a true and eager kindness, think mostly of those things that please you, and go out in the world, just a bit, where you could meet, and mingle, and fall in love?


How much would you be clucking right now? Thumbs under your armpits, getting funky? Bobbing your head?


Start clucking baby! Beam, gush, preen! You got it...
    The Universe"


This was the note from the Universe for Monday and Monday was a truly spectacular day.  It was an amazing day that did change thing for better. Each day with teacup just makes my life feel like we have a life full of wonderful.


We took a little drive in our backyard basically as it a national park on the edge of our town and teacup snapped over 500 photos.  It was just a day of enjoying each other's company - exploring the beauty of Colorado with people I love. It was fun to see Master and teacup together - arms around each other, just being close.  It was nice to be a part of it. Being there with them hand in hand.  It feels like our family is complete now. Which is such an amazing feeling.


Many wonderful things done together as a family - all day.  Everything just feels so right.


Our day ended with me hearing Master and teacup - her sucking and him obviously doing things to her that she was enjoying as her moans got pretty loud. :)  I was just hearing and not seeing this as I was in the next room - and masturbating. I ended up cumming six time just to listening to the wonderfully erotic sounds of them.  A nice way to end a beautiful day together - listening to 2 people I love enjoying some intimate time.

48 Hours Away

We are counting down hours now! We are 48 hours away from when teacup's airplane lands and we get to see her.  I am so beyond excited that I am literally bouncing in my chair as I type this.

I am not sure how much updating I will get done while she is here but maybe some. I just know that both Master and I are thrilled we get to have her here with us. We have lots of fun things planned - vanilla and kinky! yay!

Hierarchy

So doing a follow-up on the question about hierarchy in our relationship because a good friend of mine who is poly brought up something that falls in the hierarchy topic. Really I was answering  the question from an M/s point of view.  In our M/s relationship - I won't be owning her or over her. I won't be ordering her or in charge of her. Teacup and I will be equals.


Unfortunately in our everyday life around vanilla people there is a hierarchy that happens because we can't be out to most people.  So Master's work associates will always view me as his partner/significant others. My parents and Master's will view us as couple and not teacup.  


Recently we were on the phone with teacup and were going to drop something off at one of Master's clients and the client ended up being in her driveway so we couldn't even say goodbye properly to teacup because it caught us of guard as it happened so fast. But it felt very awkward for all of us.  We didn't handle it very well in explaining it either when we called teacup back after leaving the clients.  


There is also a hierarchy that happens because I have been here longer - it just feels off balanced at times. At least I experienced that when I lived in the poly household in Ohio.  I just think it happens and there isn't much I can do about being here long except try to allow her to experience things for herself. That was really hard at times for me to not help or offer advice when I saw someone struggling in the poly household. Where they were maybe struggling with how to just accept an order or such - I wanted to step in and offer advice but sometimes those things - you need to just experience for yourself and put that time into the relationship getting to know Him and what to do...just as I did. 


So there is a hierarchy, but not in the sense where I will be in charge of her or have authority of her.  I might top her at some point. I do have a sadistic streak.  And she is a huge masochist! :)

Day to Day

So thought I would do a little life update as I hadn't done one in a while...


Master and I were all prepared to be traveling across country for his work. It would have given me a chance to see my friends in Ohio - just for a night but at least one evening with them would have been amazing. It also was going to give us a chance to stop off and see teacup too before heading home.  Just a day or two before we were going to leave it got called off. We thought it was going to be reschedule and now...it is pretty much been call off for good.  It really is disappointing for us. Seeing my friends in Ohio would have been so great. I miss them more then I think I let myself realize. It wasn't until I wrote them to say I might be coming that I really let those flood gates open. The thought of sitting and talking with Moni, Angel and everyone else just make me feel so good.  Not to mention it would have meant more time with teacup - because although she is visiting soon we don't live near each other so anytime with her is so good.  So disappointment all around.  


As teacup kept saying everything happens for a reason - well as it does turn out Master started feeling really bad about 2 days before we would have left and he ended up with the most nasty flu/cold which he then passed on to me. I don't think I have ever been so sick. I am still recovering actually.  But there for a while the body aches, fever and headache were really doing a number on me.  So it would have been horrible to be this sick on the road so I guess that is the reason why we didn't go. 


Because I have been so sick that I have gotten off the schedule of things I wanted to get done before teacup visits so the next couple weeks for me will be busy busy. 



kaya wrote a great entry on her blog about  having a threesome with her Master and poly...goes into the great sex and also the feeling around just having someone else in his/their life.  It says so many things that I totally related to and understood from both sides actually from being in her position she is in now  to being the other woman and how that position relates to the couple.  So...taking a little piece from kaya's recent writing about her threesome with her Master....


"I am not immune to the normal fears. Of course I worry about being replaced. I worry that she’s better (easier?) than I am. I wonder why I’m not enough. I worry that he’ll prefer to spend time with her over me because she’s new and shiny and she hasn’t had 8 years of picking up dirty socks to curb her enthusiasm."


I have said something similar over and over. I am the old shoe. And she is the new shoe.* She is shiny and bright and you want to wear her all the time. I am the old shoe that has been cleaning his toilets and picking up his dirty underwear for the last 9 years so being in the relationship day in and day out does make some of the shiny go away.  (*This is the generic version of she and not referring just to teacup)  I am not saying we don't have fun and we have moments of shiny but our moments have moments of mundane day to day life in it. And often with shiny the new relationship energy is there and making everything bright even the mundane.


In my past poly relationships and past relationship with my ex-husband, I never felt replacable.  So this is something that happened with Master. I always have chalked it up to - my relationship with him is different then it has been with anyone else. Really that comes into it very strongly.  Because with him everything changed on how I function within a relationship.  



The other night Master and I stayed up all night having a discussion turned argument turned discussion about something that actually in the end revealed a key point of my internal dialog - why I have these particular little tapes that play that tell me I am replaceable. I have a fear of being replaced by teacup and all the logical and rational thought I throw it - doesn't really calm those feelings down much. These feelings really didn't come out strong until her but I remember when we started this path I did have the nagging feelings inside that said that I could be replaced. Now I figured out the underlying reasons for some of the feelings a while back but it was really the other night that Master and I figured out the bottom line where it all steams from. It isn't pretty.  It isn't something I am going to discuss here so sorry for eluding to it but not saying it but just the way it goes....the reason I am talking about it because I had fears that after we told teacup about it that she wouldn't want to be with us.  She of course handled with grace and understanding that she always seems to have in abundance....she accepted it and was very supportive in doing anything she can to help me get through this.  I am very thankful we found someone who is such an amazing person inside and out. So kind and caring - I love and adore her. I can't wait until she is here. 

March Q&A - Several Questions

I have several questions:
What books are you reading? 

The Reunion (The Marketplace Series) by Laura Antoniou , Urban Pantry by Amy Pennington, Home Economics: Vintage Advice and Practical Science for the 21st-century Household by Jennifer McKnight-Trontz, Can I freeze it? : how to use the most versatile appliance in your kitchen  by Susie Theodorou and Fix, freeze, feast : the delicious, money-saving way to feed your family by Kati Neville and Lindsay Tkacsik

What is one website that you visit daily?  One? only one? :)  I visit Facebook, Pinterest, TinyBuddha, and FetLife daily. 

Will there be a hierarchy within your poly relationship?
Yes, Master at the head, but teacup and I are equal. I of course will know things she doesn't in this relationship because I have been here for 9 years but offering advice and being here to maybe help her, doesn't in my terms mean I am above her or alpha of her. We are both His. I won't be in charge of her. I won't be ordering her.  I am not alpha - thank goodness as it isn't a role I enjoy. 


Are you out to your family? Any vanilla friends? 
I am out to both of my sisters about the bdsm.  They both know I have been in poly relationships, but I know they don't believe Master and I are poly. But I did tell one of my sisters just very briefly about teacup when we were home for Christmas. But I think that she probably thought threesome and then cast it aside. 


I have some friends that are vanilla that know but they all met me through my blog or livejournal so they knew before I could out myself technically.  


My therapist knows about the poly but not about the M/s. 


Remember it is March Question Month. Ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments or via email. 

Meeting Teacup

It is kind of odd how things have kind of happened with teacup.  It just feels so right and natural.  From the first exchanges to all the moments to now....all have felt right which I know sounds so cliche but it is true.  Before we left for Christmas vacation, I did a post saying I was excited about poly and all these things are odd because in the time we have been exploring poly - it just hasn't happened that way. We have had some things that were nice, felt good, but nothing was really what I would call right to me.

Our initial travel plans to visit my family for Christmas - we discussed flying but as I started checking and watching plane prices go up and up. We realized it was going out of our range so we decided to do a road trip. We love road trips but doing a road trip gave us another thing to look forward too also - and that was we could actually take time to meet teacup. Our initial plans had been to have our first meeting in the new year but meeting her sooner worked for all of us - as we were all excited to meet!

Because it happened fast and some work plans got thrown in the mix Master and I didn't really have a chance to sit down before we went on our road trip to talk about expectations of a first meeting or those of teacups to make sure we were all on the same page. We kind of had to do it in parts along the way.  At least the road always allows for Master and I to have good talks. Master had teacup write out her expectations so we could discuss those and then unfortunately not all 3 of us could talk about it at the same time but he was going to be able to talk to teacup about our talks.

I am a person that at times has to talk about something - the same thing over and over and over and over - rehashing because maybe something isn't being expressed.  I mean it all might sound good in words on the outside but sometimes on the inside my anxieties, insecurities or emotions might be a little off balanced and need some work so saying the same things out-loud over and over and over will help me sort out the inside junk.  Also at times I need to say the same thing over and over and over again because there is that stuff inside that needs to come out and be expressed but I am either having problems expressing it or just even recognizing it in the first place so rehashing the same thing over and over and over helps me recognize and express what is going on inside.  I can tell you because of the rush of work, getting things ready for our trip, the time with family and such - I didn't get to rehash things like I needed so some things got glossed over without recognizing some expectations I had going on that I didn't see upfront.

But overall we did exceptionally well.  Really now several weeks later - looking at it I am amazed that without all the things we didn't talk about - that it did go as smooth for a first meeting such as it.

 So....our meeting....

Teacup arrived at our designated meeting place - the hotel parking lot - before us.  When we pulled in, Master said right away he saw her sitting in her car, really I was nervous but not as nervous as I thought I would be.  We parked next to her and all got out and did hugs. My first thoughts were how pretty teacup is - beautiful eyes that sparkle when she smiles.  We decided on a place to go to lunch  and just get some of the nerves out of the way.

Teacup ordered soup. I had so wanted to order soup too but my first thought was I would spill it on myself and I didn't want to do that when I am just meeting her for the first time.  After she ordered she expressed the same, concern out-loud. I had already ordered but it just made me smile that we were going through similar anxieties.

After lunch we went back to the hotel, checked in and then spent the afternoon talking.  We talked about poly issues - such as if this were to work into a long-term relationship how would it make her feel not being viewed as Master's girlfriend  to local friends and family - as I am viewed (although neither of us are his girlfriend as we don't have the equality going on in our relationships that would be in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship).  But being viewed as a friend.  We discussed many topics and possible issues and just all sort of things while laughing in between.  It was just fun to talk and laugh with her.  It felt good sitting there hanging out.

The hours slipped passed quickly and soon it was approaching dinner time so we opted to just go pick up pizza to bring back to the room.  More talking with pizza. Soon after dinner Master and teacup moved to the adjoining bedroom of our suite as I took care of Domestic Servitude business online in the outer room.

So a background on something with me....with men sex is sex.  I can have a connection with men and have sex with them but most of the time it can just be fun sex with a man and nothing more.  But with women for me....I have to build friendship first and that connection moves to intimacy. Just moving to sex or anything sexual or really intimate such as kissing is hard for me without having that connection in place. Now Master and teacup had much more of an opportunity before our meeting to get to know each other then her and I. So although I felt like we were building a good foundation - we really got along from the first emails, chat and such - I still wasn't to a place of "oh yes lets have sex."  Because also - a lot of that is an in-person thing for me with a woman.  But we kind of all agreed if things felt good we would move into the sexual arena.  Well.... things felt good but I was still not sure I was ready to move there. I knew I wanted to kiss her. I knew that without a doubt and it is a regret that I didn't kissing her more then I did - because I let the issues that did come up block me.

It started with teacup in the middle while Master and I touched her. He was sadistic and I was soft and tender. Master could have been more sadistic with her but I was slightly freaking out - that he was being sadistic with this person who until she met us - was vanilla.  I had a few visions of her having regrets later if he was too rough or sadistic.  This was our first threesome so it was kind of surreal watching Master being sadistic with her - it turned me on to see him touch her and see her reactions but I did as I say have little worries of "oh no he might scare her off with the SM."  But in the end after we all discussed it later - he could have gone further and she would have been PERFECTLY fine with that.  :)

On the same line of thinking she did the same thing with me when he did some breath play on me she worried he might be taking it too far but really he was holding back with me too - as to not scare her.   Discussing it after though really was good for all of us and good learning for us all to see where were at in the pain/play and what we want.  Now I know where her mindset is on the SM - and see that she is a masochist!

So we played with her in the middle and then Master was in the middle and us girls ravished him for a bit before we tried to get some sleep.

There were a couple issues that came up. It was hard that they happened but good we talked about them. It was hard to talk about them and I know I was having problem communicating - my feelings in the situation but we did get them talked through.

In the morning we had some more talking through the issues before getting ready to go pack up and go to breakfast.  After breakfast, we found a park and took some photos of all 3 of us together.  We had tearful goodbyes but with good plans to look forward to our next meeting when teacup comes to visit us.  Because the trip overall did solidify that we all really do care for each other so much that we want to keep moving forward with this relationship.  Everything felt really good together even the hiccups confirmed that because of how we communicated after the issues - felt so good.

I can't wait for teacup to come and spend time with us here in Colorado. To spend time hanging out, making dinner with me, being able to show her our beautiful state, see her explore SM with Master, see how our intimate relationship grows and just every little thing - seems so exciting to think about with her here with us.

Excited about Poly

Master started talking to a woman on an online social network.   He hadn't told me about her at first because of meeting her on a site where we are known by our vanilla friends/family so put her in the vanilla column. He needs M/s in his life so being with someone who won't be his slave isn't an option for him.  But he was flirting with her and enjoying her company still. So eventually they admitted feelings for each other and Master went for it - he outed us. She didn't get scared off - which is what he figured would happen. She was actually intrigued. 

You know there is a mental list I have of things I view as poly-minded. So far not  many people we have met check things off that list - even though they say they are poly-minded. But this woman did right away. It was amazing to me someone who knew nothing BDSM and Poly was really coming into it with more acceptance and understanding of everything then some people who say they are kinky or poly. 

Anyway - she and I started exchanging emails and really get along. It thrilled me because the first time in this journey - I really felt comfortable and like wow this person feels right. It just feels different with her. 

Now I am totally realistic that we haven't met face to face or had day to day interactions - and those  things make everything different. But all this is more positive then it has been before.   I look forward to getting to know her face to face too.  We have started planning for a visit - either us to her or her to us.  The first moment of talking about a visit - made me so excited. Like bouncy excited - I can't wait to meet her, hang out with her,  and get to know her even better. 

I just wanted to get all that out as I have been excited about it.

Love Times Three - Part 2

As I said in a previous post I read Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage by Joe, Alina, Vicki and Valerie Darger.

I thought I would share some quotes I have flagged in the book.

"Plural marriage isn't easy. We're the first to admit that.  It's a lifestyle that requires of each woman a constant gentle empathy for her sister wives and a respect for boundaries and fairness. We face the same struggles that monogamous wives do, but those trying  times are often magnified because there are multiple partners whose perspective and feeling have to be considered."

Really good words. I think it requires quite a bit of empathy, respect for boundaries and fairness.I know it is really hard for people to do poly. One thing that many get hung up on is the not keeping every one in mind.  When I lived in the poly household, one of my clear signs that it might work was if that other person kept the women in the household on their mind.  Such as when they called did they ask about us or want to speak to us, did they try to form a relationship with each of us or just him,  or did they like to pretend we didn't exist.  Poly won't work if you don't take everyone into account and be very empathetic to what each person is going through.

"When people say I 'practice' polygamy, they've got it right: my efforts to live this lifestyle are contanst and ongoing. There are many religions that have practices aimed at deepening spiritual insights and expressing faith, such as fasting, saying the rosary, and making a pilgrimage.  That's what plural marriage is for me: a daily practice that focuses my attention on the highest ideals of my religion.  The benefits to me, in terms of spiritual and personal growth, joy and completeness, far outweigh the hard work and sacrifice it takes."


Poly is constant work.  The area of this quote I would change instead of saying it is "my highest ideals of my religion" - I would say it is the highest ideals of myself.

"We have the closeness of sisters and the comaraderie of friends. I love it when I head for the kitchen late at night for a taste of chocolate and find Vickie or Val there, spoon in hand and ready for conversation."

Yes. Oh yes.  The closeness goes beyond friendship to me...it is family but not in the sense of bio family. I mean my biological sisters don't know things about me that I have told sister slaves.  Some of my favorite memories of living in Ohio, where doing mundane things with the other women in the household. Bug sitting on the dryer folding clothes as I put the next load in - talking and laughing the whole time. Laur and I singing as we made dinner.  So many wonderful moments in the everyday living of life.  I want that again.


"Early on, I tried to assert my status as the husband to get my wives to do what I wanted, but playing the patriarchy card wasn't working for me. ... I realized I was trying to drive them, not lead them." 


Just liked that quote because with so many personalities sometimes I can see how "driving" might seem like the solution but it is quite the opposite because there are so many personalities - better to lead then to try to  force things to happen.


"That's something a lot of people miss when they look at this lifestyle: it requires a willingness to take personal responsibility and be accountable for yourself."  


Joe talks about how he can't carry 3 wives luggage through the airport.  And one of the wives talked about how she has some issues cropping up and she realized Joe couldn't fix it - can't fix everything - that she had to look at those issues and see why they were coming up and work on finding the solution.  It wasn't Joe's responsibility to help her with her issues - it was hers.  Throughout the book they all mention personal responsibility and I just feel that is something needed in all relationships just not poly. But with poly I can see how sometimes we have to take that responsibly because there are so many people in the household you can't put it on everyone else.

Joe and the wives mention that although they are taking personal responsibility - everything is easier because they have love and support from each other.

Overall, I liked the book.  Even though they come at poly from a religious standpoint...I still related to many things in the book.  The book starts out with them growing up, how they basically came into poly. That part I didn't relate too as they were all grew up around polygamy.  But the second half of the book is where they talk about their plural marriage and those are the parts I can relate too.  I hope their book does help give another perspective of polygamy - where they aren't on a compound and wearing prairie-garb.

They were on 20/20 a couple weeks ago. You can watch the episode online.

Here is a video clip I found from Our America with Lisa Ling about a young family.  I usually seem them mid-30 to 40's.

"Modern Polygamy: Spotlight on a Young Polygamist Family

Lisa visits Isaiah and his two wives to determine if what she sees in this young and modern families' daily lifestyle will change any of the preconceived notions we have about polygamy."

Love Times Three - Part 1

I am reading Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage by Joe, Alina, Vicki and Valerie Darger.

I first read about the book on Beliefnet.  NPR also had an interview. When NPR posted this on Facebook - reading the comments were interesting.  Everything from it is no ones business how they want to lead their lives to of course the predictable ones of these women are brainwashed and must have low self-esteem.

Although it is from the perspective of Independent Fundamentalist Mormons - I am relating to many things said in the book as someone who is poly too.  They also of course do say some things that have given me pause for thought.

The wives describe they went on a girls night out with a bunch of friends - some monogamous some not.  A monogamous friend was sharing some sexual details of her marriage and she asked if other women felt the same as her. She then turned to say okay now your turn to share. The 3 sister wives looked at each other and said no we don't do that. They don't share intimate details of their sex life with their husband - good or bad. They don't go on a date and then come home and gush about how good or how bad it was.  Those are between the husband and the wife.  But in the lifestyle I lead we are often very open with details (I mean I have been blogging details for 11 years)  so it is hard to stop things from coming out. I mean I will write on here the SM and sexual details and people we care about who are a possible 3rd to our family will read that.

I can see the benefit to not sharing but I think it would be hard because we are so open. Now...of course not all details are shared. But as I said if I write about it or do talk about an experience - how does that make someone feel?  When I was in the poly household and another girl shared something about her night with our Sir, I often just felt excitement - like a voyeuristic excitement. It also just made me feel good that that girl and him were having a good time.  When someone shared something sad, then it made me feel sad for them.  But over all I didn't feel jealous. At times envious of someone getting something I didn't and that is why the Darger wives don't say anything so one doesn't feel like they are being left out or not getting the same treatment. This way they all assume he is the same with each of them...that they each have unique aspects to their own relationship with him but that if he isn't have sex with them each time he sees them then he isn't having sex with the other wives each time he sees them.  So as I said I can see that benefit - just think it would be hard to not share.

It is something we have kind of run into too. Master was with someone really wanted privacy but Master is used to sharing so much with me. So it was hard for him to not share at times. He didn't feel the need to share every intimate detail but he did need to talk through some things and I have been his sounding board for almost 9 years so it isn't something he wants to turn off.  I get the need for some privacy but being open as we are...when things are effecting him - since I live with him they effect me. And the Darger's talk about that - that when one couple is having problems it is felt through the other 2 too. You can't turn that off with the other wife to me so I think it would be really hard not to talk about it - but according the Darger's book - the wives don't and Joe the husband doesn't share either. I am just not sure I agree with that. I mean I get some things are private but there is a point when privacy becomes mistrust of the others in the family.  Or at least that is how it comes across. If you are family can't you share with each other? I mean it seems like you should be able too. We want a family that is able to openly share with each other and not keep things compartmentalized so much that we end up feeling like acquaintances instead of family.

I am going to post this part and then do another post with some quotes from the book that I liked  in another post. 

Connection

* I got my hair cut - almost 11 inches off. I haven't had it this short probably since I was in high school. I wanted something different and decided it was hair and if I didn't like it - it would grow back out. And well I don't really like it. I think I will like it a bit better when it just grows out a bit more. But right now it is too short. All this was with Master's approval. He likes it but knows it wasn't what I was going for when I went to get it cut.

* The hair stylist was asking me how I wanted my bangs. And I said to the side and longer. I told her I usually did shorter straight across but since I am going to part on the side I wanted longer to the side. And she said well since you are so young you can pull that off. And I kind of laughed. I said, "I am 43 - is that young?" Because she had to have been in her late 30's so calling me young made it seem like she thought I was I was younger then her. And it turns out she did. She was stunned. She kept repeating that there was no way she would have guessed I was 43. She thought I was really young. She never said how young but I am guessing younger then her. So that was a nice compliment. But I thought the whole bangs comment was weird that having bangs on the side was only for young women. When did that happen?

* I don't have pictures of my hair yet - because I don't like it.

* I am happy to report though Master can grab my hair and get a good grip into it. Because the other day he came home from an appointment and came in the door grabbed my hair and bent me down...just kind of wielding me which way he wanted and then finally kissed me. Kissed me long and deep and hard - all while his hand was still pulling my hair. Made my knees weak.

* Master's girl aria came to the house for the first time on Sunday. This will be a more regular thing now which is a good thing. But it stressed me to the max. I am obsessive about the house and guests. And this is her first visit - so she is a guest even though she is becoming family. I know that probably doesn't make sense but I am neurotic.

* Right now the business - has been taking my time full-time. And so I just don't have time to keep the house up. I was cleaning the bathroom the other day and dusting the tops of these lights we have at the very top of the ceiling that need a step stool to clean - and they hadn't been cleaned in I don't know how long and it bothered me A LOT. I thought about when Master didn't have his own business and worked outside the home - and I was basically a domestic slave full-time - the house was really clean. And now it gets to be too much. I don't know how other slaves do the full time job and all the domestic stuff. And it isn't just time - I mean I know I can manage my time better but it is also energy. By the time I have done all the work for the business I am so mentally exhausted that I feel physically exhausted as well.

* I mentioned in a post a while back a couple that might move to the area and then decided against it - well the are moving to a nearby town. So we are very excited to have them close. They are in town before moving into their new home and so we got together with them for breakfast yesterday morning. It was so nice to catch up with them. And so great that they will be closer to us now.

* We went to a local munch. It was our first and I know it will get better once we get to know people. I also know I was really spoiled by my Ohio friends - they made it easy to make friends being so warm and welcoming. I miss them so much.

* Just had a movie night with Master and aria - watched the first Harry Potter movie. Gearing up for the final movie. During the movie Master reached over and just grabbed one of my breasts like he has a vice grip instead of a hand. Damn it hurt. Just sitting here typing it - makes my breast throb from pain again.

Master and aria are having some quality time now. Master and I are spending tomorrow together. I got my period last night and right away I thought that might ruin our plans and it was like he was reading my mind because he said to me that is not going to ruin our plans. Unfortunately I did hurt my knee today so I hope that doesn't ruin anything. Did get a chance to play with a new toy recently and will have a review up on it in a few days. Sunday aria will be back over to spend the day with Master.

Well I am going to take some time to just do some emails and work on my review. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

I'm Coming Out

Is there any way to come out without having the Diana Ross song I'm Coming Out in my head? I don't think so....



Last year when both my Uncle and my former Master died, my depression really took a downward spiral and I sat in my doctors office and started crying. He called in the therapist from down the hall. And since that day - I have been seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for it. It has helped so much not only for my grief but just helped me with other issues I had going on.

I have not outted myself to her about the M/s relationship I have with Master, but I have told her about some of my past relationships - that I enjoyed kink and that I have been poly in past relationships. I also told her I was an escort. But she doesn't know anything about my current relationship dynamic. Master has been in support for me coming out to her about our relationship. But I just haven't been comfortable with it. Although I adore her and trust her to be very open-minded as she has been about everything I have told. I know bottom line if she feels something is harming me she will tell me. And I don't want to hear it if she thinks that some of my problems stem from our dynamic. Yes, we do think that some of my problems do stem from it because of the isolation and the dynamic creating co-dependency issues that cause a chain reaction of other issues such as I now have social anxiety issues that I have always had but now are amplified because of the isolation and because I do everything with Master.

A little history, I have done therapy in my late twenties to mid-thirties. Every therapist I came out to was very uncomfortable with the kink and D/s. It was the reason I stopped going as I felt it was making my relationship with my therapist too uncomfortable and I was sick of feeling judged by it so I stopped going even though I felt I still needed some help to sort through some things.

So there is that little voice sounding off inside me that I might be judged. The hard part is that I like my current therapist so much that I don't want to do or say anything that might hurt that connection I've made with her. While I realize she isn't like any of my past therapists the insecurity remains.

Bottom line, I am so thankful I finally gave in to seeing someone. My doctor had asked me repeatedly over the years if I wanted to go to see someone. I have been on anti-depressants for the last couple of years. So when we have our yearly review of medications, he asks if I want to talk to someone and I've always said no. Too many bad experiences and the feeling of being judged I had to wrangle the thoughts in my head about starting over with my life history with someone new. As it was, it took almost 2 sessions to just do the intake with her.

But with last years events...I needed help. I am so thankful that my doctor pulled in my therapist and I am so fortunate that we've clicked. I mean really instantly I felt comfortable with her and I just started spilling. She made me feel comfortable and she is really good at giving me a perspective that works for me - in a way that makes me be able to see it. She gets inside my head really easily - knows how I tick. It is really amazing sometimes she knows what I am thinking when I feel I am sitting there straight faced but having an "Oh Shit" moment. She knows it too. She has helped me in communicating in difficult situations like with my father who is so hard to talk to - who has a knack for pushing my buttons. It's been incredible how she's helped me in so many ways.

So skipping ahead a bit. Several months ago Master started seeing someone local and it is hard to not talk about it - in therapy. It was hard not mention Master's girl. (I don't have a name to call her in this blog yet - something we will work on though) I've had some issues. Issues I felt my therapist could help me sort through. So with Master's blessing, I came out to my therapist about the poly.

WOW!

She handled it AMAZINGLY!

It was that moment where I wished everyone was like her! Really every issue - the kink, the escorting - she has always handled so well. I asked her if she knew what poly was and she gave me the definition without having to go to a book or to the web. When I had told her about Kam and poly (early on in our sessions), we just went over things briefly. Ever since then I didn't know if she even knew what I meant when I mentioned poly before. I had explained to her that when I moved in with Kam, he was involved with more than one woman with all of our knowledge and consent. I discussed that I enjoyed it but also some of the issues I had with it. I told her towards the end of that relationship, I dated multiple men and women - again with everyone's knowledge and consent.

She told me that whatever is done between consenting adults she felt was fine as long as everyone was okay with it. (Insert gaping mouth expression.) No ridicule, no condemnation, no criticism. Then when I told her about Master seeing his girl, the same thing. No qualms, no judgment, no problem. She has really great views about poly. How I feel she gets it, stems from some of the things she has said to me about poly are the same things I've said to others who have approched me for advice. I guess sometimes it is hard for me to take my own advice, but hearing it from her has been good. She has a different perspective on other things though too, so that helps too to hear another view. She just in general has a wonderful view on poly which makes even more relaxing to open up and share. We had a whole rant one day when we were talking about sex and poly - and she said "Americans are just to uptight about sex."

She has some different views though that just wouldn't work in my dynamic so I've had to just politely nod. Will I out myself someday that I'm in the M/s, bdsm lifestyle? I really don't know. Master says I will. But I do know she has been great about everything else I have told her so part of me thinks she'll get it. Of course there is the other part of me that worries about how all of this will be seen in the big picture. I just know that there have been times when I just sit there looking at her like wow are you for reals? I have lucked out to have such a great therapist and glad I have come out to her about the poly.

Master's Moods

There is a thread on FetLife about how slaves pick up and react to their Owner's moods. This has always been a problem for me with Master. When he didn't have his own business and worked outside the home, his hours were insane and he was always stressed so he would come home cranky quite a bit and whatever he was feeling quickly became how I felt too. It was hard for me to not to take his moods personally too. I often felt as though he was mad at me even though logically I knew it was his job. But his demeanor along with the mood just made it feel like he was mad at me. So it was hard for me to shake off.

At one point I started to try be so cheerful and happy that it would help his mood but it didn't usually help his mood. And just frustrated me and made me cranky too. I only found 2 things that helped make get him out of that mood but both are hard to accomplish when he is cranky. It took a lot of clever and cunning work on my part and timing - timing had to perfect - and that was to make him laugh. And I am not a funny person. I just don't make people laugh so it takes lot thought on my part and timing to get it done right. And when Master is mad not a lot of things seem funny to him so again takes just the right things to make him laugh. And the other thing that will work but again timing has to be right is to coax him out of his pants so I can give him a blowjob. A blowjob does wonders for his mood. :)

Now that he works at home - he is cranky less often but when he is, I am still a sponge soaking up his mood. He gets up before me and if I get up in a good mood and he is in bad mood - it can ruin my whole day even if he gets in a better mood by the end of the day. I have had depression on and off my whole life and unfortunately sometimes that mood can make me sink. I just get really spiraling into it. And again even though he might get out of the mood - doesn't mean I do. I just have trouble pulling myself out at times.

We also have to add in that we are in a poly relationship because it of course works that if he is having problems in his other relationship that can bleed into ours. And that is hard to deal when he becomes distracted and moody because of it. And vice versa - he and I are having a problem and it bleeds to them. And is distracted and moody with her. So it becomes a chain reaction.

I think it common that those in relationships feel the moods of others in the relationship. I know that Master at times feels my moods too. For us though we try to be open and clear about what we are feeling so that the other person knows it isn't there stuff. Master will tell me that he isn't mad at me that he is having a bad day with work things and that helps me not soak those emotions up as much. Or I just ask what is going on to see if I can help and then help and if not it helps me take a step back from it. Of course it doesn't always work as I said above I have a history of depression so I can get caught into the spiral of emotions. But trying is what matters. And keep trying is what matters. And sometimes it works.