Follow Up

I had some questions from the last post. So I am answering them here....

Did you have aftercare? Did he follow up with you at all to make sure you were ok?

I am not big on aftercare - at anytime (for me of course I am not saying in general with everyone - just saying I don't desire aftercare - even with Master.) If he would have given me aftercare, it would have ruined the experience for me also. Him basically kicking me out and being done with me - that made me hot.

The first few times we played he didn't check on me. But then he started calling me more often as we developed a relationship. Often it was right after play and several times during the days after. The time I describe in that post, he had me call him as soon as I was home. He called me before I went to bed that night and also the next day. He often said cruel and humiliating things during those conversation on the phone  - it really was a good mind-fuck for me. I can see now looking back he was checking on me with those calls. But just because he was checking on me didn't change how we interacted with each other because that was our dynamic. 

How does the experience seem a few days after it is over, when you look back and remember it? If it makes you feel good, and want more of it, then it probably WAS good. If it doesn't, then it wasn't.

A few days after, I felt good and couldn't wait to see him again. I had a drop from the endorphins so I got weepy and felt extremely tired. But I felt good about the experience - no regrets. Now when I look at it, I wish I would have played with him more often then I did. 

Out of all my times with him, only one time did it feel really bad during and after. Not only did I feel bad, but I felt angry and annoyed, but at myself. It was my own fault for putting myself in the situation I did. I knew it what going to happen so I shouldn't have went to him when he asked. He didn't change who he was and he didn't do anything he didn't say he was going to - It was me that wasn't being realistic. 

You report this dream, but you don't assess the experience here. It made you hot, but you also seemed to be deeply emotionally hurt by it. How do you feel about it now, as you look back? Are you really sure?

During it, I hurt. I was emotionally, mentally and physically a mess. Sometimes crying hysterically where snot was dripping because I was crying so hard. There were often times during it, I didn't think I was going to make it out on the other side okay. I thought he is going to break me to the point of not being fixable. I hated him - all the while he did the things he did to me. And at the same time, I was wet and turned on. And a piece inside of me screaming "yes yes yes...keep pushing....keep hurting me. Thank you thank you!" 

Each time we played it was like this. I felt I was going to be beyond repair and each time I walked way turned on and had orgasm upon orgasm thinking about our time together.

As I stated above, now I look back on it and wish I would have been with him more. I wonder where it would have went. I wonder if I could have done all the things he wanted to do. 

Your question of are you really sure....I understand and I am going to I think get into it more below. I really craved a man to take me to the darkness so we were compatible in our desires. We pushed things to points where some would say it was unhealthy. But it worked for us. I am not sure it would have worked long term for us though. I am not sure I wouldn't have broke or was maybe breaking a little each time. I can't say for sure though. 

Why did your relationship end?

Our relationship started out just as play. We met, we played hard and then left each other to go about our lives not knowing a lot about each others lives. Then it hit a point where - he asked me to coffee. And from there we started doing other things besides playing. We went to lunch, shopping, movies, on walks and all the time talking and getting to know each other. He still treated me as me. He would slap me when we were alone and call me names and then go have lunch. We still played and played just as hard. But we were getting to know each other more fully as people. He knew I wanted to be in 24/7 M/s relationship. Eventually I decided it was time to ask him where he saw our relationship going. He was happy with how things were and didn't want to have more at least at that time or if ever. There was no promise or time-line for anything more - ever. I was getting too invested so I decided we had to stop as I needed to pursue a long term relationship as that is really what I had been wanting since the first day of actively entering the lifestyle. I also had other concerns, one of which I will address below in another question. He understood and let me go. 

I know that you only played with this person occasionally but do you think you could have maintained that kind of relationship 24/7?

He and I often discussed that living the way we played. What would be the long term effects. We played the speculation game quite a lot, but didn't of course have any definitive answers. I will say something that I think the Sir that asked the "are you sure" question was getting at....and that is I started to get too scared. He and I talked about that a lot. He saw it developing. I would get scared about walking into the house. Once there in the play - fear was still there, but it changed. The fear before I walked into the door - didn't turn me on really. The fear after I walked in the door and we started playing - turned me on. What was the difference? The moment. Once in the moment I could only live in that moment with him so I didn't panic myself with the million what-ifs as I did outside the door. My focus couldn't go outside the moment during the play. Before walking in - I let myself get in a panic and often let myself get so ramped up and overwhelmed with it.

I also will say that the fear started after we started having a relationship outside of play. I often wonder if it was my feelings for him and his interaction with me during our non-play that messed with my mind. I wasn't just his it - I became more then that? I am speculating. I don't know for sure.

I am sure some will now read this last answer and go - ah ha see it was a bad experience. They might think I shouldn't have played like that. But I want to again stress...I would do it all over again. I think of it often and wish I would have been with him longer. I really truly mean it. My time with him turned me on. Dripping wet....often soaking whatever I was sitting on because he turned me on so much. So just because there was some developments that weren't great side-effects doesn't mean I wouldn't want it. I wanted it. I want it. And I am wet thinking about even now. 

Do you play like that with your Master?

Master and I play hard, but it never feels like it did then. Because Master and I have a different dynamic and that dynamic connects in a way that I don't feel would ever make even the exact same play feel like it did then. For me that isn't a bad thing. One isn't better then the other. They are just different than each other. I am glad to have experienced both. I am glad to keep on exploring with Master. Because he is a sadist and we do play hard and he does have a sadistic beast that likes to use me in ways that touch on similar elements with the sadist in that post.

Crawling on my Belly

I woke up this morning from a dream. But it was a dream that actually happened to me in real life many many years ago. I remembered I wrote about it so dug it out....this is from November 2002....

My hands were still shaking when you said you were done with me. You just got done fucking me in the ass, got up and went to the bathroom like I wasn't even there. When you came back, you said, "Get dressed. I am done with you." Just like I was property. Like I was a toaster and you had toasted your bread so were done with the toaster. Except I am human so you had to tell me you were done with me instead of putting me away. You used me and were done with me.

The box spring and mattress were on the floor where I sat on the edge fumbling to get my stocking and garter belt straight. You had me leave them on during our time and they were twisted. My fingers would almost get tangled into the stockings because I was shaking. The fear and violence of what had just happened to me still hung on to me since it was just moments ago that you were just punching me, spitting on me and calling me names. Brutally taking my ass and all the while making fun of me because I was so wet that you could smell me in the room.

I pulled my blouse on and start to button it. I missed a button and you laugh at me and tell me how stupid I am that I can't even button my shirt. You come to stand in front of me. You pull my hair so I am looking up at you. "You know you are a worthless stupid cunt, d...," He says. He added my name to the end. My real name. He knows how to get to me. Putting my name with the insult - making sure I hear it and know it was me he was talking to. Hearing it brings tears to my eyes. He release my hair, laughs and walks away. He tells me to hurry that I am being too slow. I finish getting dressed and am standing - not sure where to look or what to do. If someone would have asked me to count to 10 - I am not sure I could have - I was still so shaken.

"On your knees." He yells at me. I fall to my knees before he barely had finished it. He tells me I will crawl to the door. That I am more lowly then an animal that walks on four legs. He tells me to crawl low so that my fat belly hits the floor. I follow him to the door almost dragging my body along the floor knowing my skirt and blouse are getting dirty with the dust on the floor. But I don't care as my mind and body just obey him. We stop next to the door. He kicks my side and makes me lay down on the floor. He keeps on kicking me. I don't move and just take it. I have my body and face pressed to the floor. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. He brings his foot to my face and presses the bottom of his shoe into my face. He tells me that he walked the dog the other day and walked through dog shit. He tells me I am a worthless piece of shit and so I should have dog shit rubbed into my face. He goes on to tell me that maybe he should have me rub dog shit all over my body so that when I walk down the street people would smell me and know I am a worthless piece of shit. He is still grinding his foot into my face as he goes on and on how I am a worthless piece of shit. He releases my face and has me tell him that I am a worthless piece of shit over and over again. And then he says, "You may get up and leave you worthless piece of shit."

I walk out the door and down the steps to my car. My legs are shaking. The tears are barely being held in. And still I feel the throbbing between my legs. I want an orgasm so badly. He doesn't give me those but allows me to masturbate as much as I want. It will take me an hour to get to home. I drive for a bit but I can't wait to jerk off. I pulled over into a park that I know that has some secluded parking areas. I pulled my pocket rocket from my bag (I am like a boyscout always be prepared) and masturbate there in the car. I replay every moment of the day in my head. I come so hard that I thought I might have squirted on myself. But I didn't. I was just very wet from all my time with him and replaying it all that my thighs are stickily soaked.

He hurt me - with violence physical, emotional and mental. Breaking me down. He gets inside and turns the truth out to me. It wasn't nice and pretty. It wasn't normal SM play with floggers, whips and chains. He didn't use bondage. He forces me to make the choice of standing there and taking it. But in my mind it is like there is no choice. Some part of me obeys and wants to obey to every things he does to me no matter how much it hurts, how humiliating and degrading it is - I would crawl to him on my belly willingly knowing he will spit on me and tell me I am a stupid worthless piece of shit. And I will come back for more. Again and again. Turned on with anticipation.

Punching

Someone I was with before Master was really into punching me, it wasn't something we talked about at all before hand. He just did it. There was an unexpected violence and brutality to it that in the end turned me on - made me into a puddle of goo. It makes me want to fight back and crawl away, but inside something can't wait for the next time. I can't wait to feel that next punch.

This man did punch me in the face at times. I ended up  bruises sometimes - a puffy split lip, a black eye, and bruises on my cheeks. He pretty much just used me as a punching bag. He would not tie me or restrain, but just tell me to stand and take it. If I moved it - of course he would get harder. So I learned to stand and take it.

Master punches me also. We went to a class at an event (Thunder in the Mountains) about punching and kicking. The rest of the weekend was all about punching for Master. I had bruises on my arms because we would be walking down the hall and he would just punch me in the arm. He would grind his knuckles in and make the bruises worse. It would often cause bruised muscle tissue. When he punches my ass or my cunt there is no surface bruise, but damn it hurts.

Master has punched me in the face. He has caused a split lip. It turned me on while he did it even though I wanted to fight to turn away. It turned me on after running my tongue over it. Feeling it and knowing how it was made - the force and brutality.

It feels violent although consensual. The fear that comes with it - all if turned me on. I want to fight and yet there is that piece inside me is like please more because I need it.Thankful that Master enjoys punching me because I do like the brutality of it.

Dangerous List

A while back there was a thread about a man being "rude" to a young lady through private messages on FetLife. She asked if she should report him and so on. Now I don't have a problem with her wanting to block him. But reporting him I had kind of a problem with as someone said in the thread what he said to her some women might get off on. It then was suggested a list be started of people like this - to make a list of dangerous people - and I have such a problem with that suggestion. It surprised me to see many people I know who play hard agreeing with making a list. They must not get that they would probably end up on it. Plus the reality the internet if full of idiot jerks who say stupid things so that list would get pretty damn long. And we all do stupid things once in a while so then we would all end up on that list.

Next I don't like it when people don't take responsibility when they consent to it. Now I am not saying the young woman in the post did, but so many times we see posts that say a dominant is abusive yet the s-type takes no responsibility on their end.

Several years ago I was on a yahoogroup elist and the owners of the group posted a full name, address, phone number of a man who "was dangerous." The person was someone I knew and played with - now he is extremely sadistic so I can see many people labelling him dangerous. But he is VERY direct about what he likes and expects. From how the situation was described of course the submissive didn't accept any responsibility or mention the fact that he was very direct about what he desires and she just got in over her head. I can see many submissives getting very turned from the things he talks about - and wanting to see him, but it isn't a fantasy or game to him. Once in the situation with him - I can see where what it is he does would more then many bottoms/submissives desire in actual real life. It probably goes past where they imagined it would go. In person those things are painful things he likes to do - he likes to see suffering. But again he is very direct about it so saying he is dangerous when it gets too be too much for the submissive - annoys me instead of saying "hey he is more sadistic then I desire." He was too sadistic for that person and probably many submissives, but I liked what he did. So I would say that dangerous list is subjective.

In past relationship, before I met the man, we talked on the phone and online. I described things to him and he was saying all the right things to make it sound like he was into those things too. When we were together, it was mostly vanilla sex with just light kink. One day I got it - he thought those things I was describing were fantasy - something to think about, but not act on. When I asked him about it, my suspicions were confirmed. It really surprised me. Of course it disappointed me (and of course I didn't repeat that mistake and everyone after I ASKED if it was fantasy or real for them.)

I think often many things people think about while they masturbate isn't actually what they want to happen. It is just a hot fantasy. So when someone actually does those things in real life - they are dangerous to them because well it is just suppose to be a fantasy. It isn't a fantasy for everyone. And just because someone does something you wouldn't do - doesn't necessarily make them dangerous.

As I said to start - so many people would end up on that list because it is so subjective. We all do and say stupid things so you know....do we have the space to list everyone.

Old Journal Entries....

Just a few little pieces...these were before I was with Master...

"I look at the bruises on my breasts right now and don't like the way they look for some reason...and yet I want more. I want to suffer for him. I want to see him satisfied in making me suffer...and that need grows. I don't want pain for pain sake. I don't want pain for pleasure. I want pain to suffer for him.....he was harsh on me with the implements and he said things to me to bring me to that nothing state. I was dripping wet. But mentally I was not turned on like I usually am...maybe I was but not in the state that is recognizable or familiar to me."

The person I am talking about in these posts...was extremely sadistic. I think of the times with him and I have shivers of fear run through me. And at the same time I get wet and feel those urges...from the deep dark just push their way up a bit.

More words about him from my journals...

"My cunt is swollen from the kicking and punching yesterday. I feel it throb and what am I thinking of? Him...his cock...wanting to suck it and want to feel it rub over my face. I want to suck on it slowly...just enjoying him. But that won't happen because I want it.

My cunt had been throbbing last week with need to be touched and fucked...and now...he showed me what real throbbing is like...it hurts today. It hurts to close my legs all way together. The thought of putting a vibrator and masturbating right now is one of the last things I would want to do as the pain would be to much.

He asked me why I get so wet...he used a few more descriptive degrading words in that question. And really I don't think I have ever gotten so wet with anyone. I mean I got in the car yesterday and I felt the moistness just seep out between my labia lips so by the time we were alone...at his place I as soaking. If someone had been with us in the room they could have smelled how turned on I was because he did....he told me I smelled like a whore.

I wanted to beg him to do exactly what he did...yesterday....again. I wanted to him to hurt me. I wanted to feel my cunt throb. I wanted him to show me who I am...under that darkness...I want him to show me who I am just like he did. I wanted to beg him so he knew how much I wanted what he does to me. I needed him to do what he did. And yet I fought it while he did it although I craved it.

I crave and want to beg for the things he does to me....the things that make me suffer, cry, leave me batter and broken, leave me stripped to the very core - naked and looking at all the things I never thought I would see again. He sees it all and still wants to hurt me and make me suffer. That makes me feel warm."

Feelings & Thoughts about the Extreme Post

I have a few people ask about a recent post....about how felt after that extreme experience or how I view it in general…

I am going to start with how I view it….

It was consensual. I titled it use and abuse, but please hear the word consensual use and abuse. I knew what he was into and that he was an extremely sadistic man. I knew that I would hurt and suffer. He was strict and harsh, but at the same time a nice and caring man. I know that it does not sound like it from that post, but he did things in his own way that often later I would look back at and see how it was his way of showing me he cared.

Such as after that scene he called me several times that evening. He was harsh in his words, but he was asking me question to figure out my mindset and how I was handling things. He still treated me like an it by humiliating me, but honestly he wanted to play with his toy again. So he called as he knew that it was hard and I would most likely crash.  He was helping me through it. It is not in a manner most Tops would give aftercare. But I am so thankful as I just don't like aftercare. But he was checking to make sure his toy was alive and letting me know his own way that he cared, but he kept me positively knowing where my place was with him. I never felt loved or adored and that was nice at that time.

Back on topic, I don’t view it as a bad time in my life. Actually quite the opposite….he was a good learning experience. He pushed me. He was extremely good at breaking me down into a mindset and making me feel the things I needed to feel. I was craving to be totally stripped and bared exposed and vulnerable. I do not view it as unhealthy. But I do think it depends on the mindset and the situation.

I wanted to be stripped down to be able to release all the layers I put on because society tells me this is what a woman should be. I also had a lot going on emotionally at the time in my life so as he stripped me to the core it was a release. I needed the release. I needed be stripped down.

He was able to strip everything away and leave me very exposed and vulnerable, but it was a good thing to me to let go. It was very cleansing. It was hard. It hurt, I was scared, and I suffered. But I was able to suffer – and through that let go of so much.

What he did to me makes me hot, but also leaves me cold at times too…because I was scared. But I needed that time with him. I am not sure I could do that long term. I know with Don – who I had a lot of extreme experiences with - things got to a point where I did not know up and down he had my world so turned around. But yet again, I still crave what he did to me too. I like the brutality that these men unleashed on me. I am thankful they allow me to be a tool to use.

Used and Abused

This entry is something that I experienced in my real life. It is in the past before I became Master’s property.

It is one of the many vivid dreams from late, but again it was a real life encounter and extreme.

It contains slapping, hitting, kicking, punching, electricity and more.



We chit chatted over coffee (yes I drank a coffee although I hate it). It was a stiff conversation, but familiar to me. He always made me a little nervous, as I knew what would be coming after coffee.

Pain. Torture. Suffering.

He went to his house....I climbed the stairs to the room that would be the place of my pain, suffering and fear.

He had me take my clothes off. That pit of terror grew in my stomach. I knew I would suffer. It would not be pain that a masochist enjoys. It would not be pain a painslut enjoys. It would be suffering. It would be abuse, use and pushed to the edge.

He grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the floor...

He kicked me...each kick powerful enough to move my body along the floor. He grabbed me by my hair pulling me to my feet and backhanded me. Not as slap....I was backhanded so hard that I fell into a cabinet behind me. I felt the corner of the cabinet stab into me. I knew it would leave the only bruise that was not from him. He slapped me over and over. He spewed words of humiliation...words flooding me…so that my mind was screaming at me and the layers were breaking away to leave me exposed. His words that told me I was nothing. He words were breaking me down.

Tears started welling up from the force of each blow. My mind screamed run. My mind screamed no. My mind screamed of all the things that say you are in danger. Fear was flooding through me. But I stayed.

He knew all the things going on in my little brain. He said, “scream...try to run....you can't get away. You know it will just get worse when I catch you, you piece of shit.”

He pushed me to the floor. Kicking me to herd me where he wanted me. I crawled to the mattress on the floor. He shouted commands. I did one and the next would come. "Kneel on it - hands behind head - don't move.”

I heard it before I felt it...the whistle of the whip.

The long tail striking at my skin repeatedly. Digging into my flesh. Slicing into my flesh. Marking my flesh with slashes, welts and blood.

The pain from all the previous abuse mixed with the whip put me in  a place where I couldn't process. I moved. Before I knew it, my head was being yanked back by my hair and his arm was around my neck....cutting off my air.

“You are a worthless cunt who can't even stay still for a little whip. This is light compared to what I will be doing to you.”

He let go and started punching me like I was a punching bags. The tears flowed....I could not stop them. They were not just tears – I was crying hard. There were words coming from me that I was not even aware that were coming out of my mouth…I was begging him to stop. He laughed.

He told me what a waste I was....I was meat to be abused. I was meat to suffer for him. He slapped me. He hit me with his fists. I shrunk away and he laughed at me. But he kept on. It seemed like I was going to break apart with each blow to my body. I am not sure how long it went on, but he kept up with verbally abusing me reminding me I was a worthless piece of shit for him to abuse.

Finally he said, "beg for it." He told me to spread my legs open wide and beg him to kick my "stretched out whore cunt." I shook my head no. He hit me harder. I got down, spread my legs, and begged him to kick my cunt....

The pain shot through my cunt and up through my body. I screamed and more tears came. He told me to get on my hands and knees. He told me my cunt showed him how much I needed to be abused. I was so wet it was dripping down my legs. He had me push my head to the mattress, thrust my ass up and open legs wide. I heard him behind me. I thought he was going to kick me. Afterwards that is what I would beg for instead of what he did....I would have given anything for him to have just kicked me again. But instead it hit me...

The pain was not like any I had ever felt before. It sent me flying forward and screaming. Electricity zapped my wet cunt. I cried, I tried to turn around to see what he was doing to me, but he yelled at me to get in position again. I knew turning around would send me running for the door - naked, batter, bruised, and abused. I stayed laying on the floor begged, “no please please.” He laughed and again told me to get in position. I slowly backed my way into position. My brain was screaming run away, but I knew he would catch me.  So I got in to position and it came again. I cried harder because it hurt so much. So much pain. I was scared and suffering from the sadism he was inflicting. My brain kicks in wondering why is this happening to me. Why was allowing this man to do this to me. I was feeling pain so intense. Pain to a level I have never felt before. I didn't know what to do or how process it so I just submitted to him.

He flips me over, holds my head back so I can't see...he presses it to my stomach. The pain is bad, but not like my wet cunt. He does it a few more time and not happy that it is not making me suffer as much. He then tells me he is going to be nice and give me a choice. I can do 2 more zaps plus 3 kicks or I can do 5 zaps. I will have to beg and ask for each one.

I beg to stop please. He tells me no. He proceeds to tell that today was light and that I got off easy. I look at him. I see his enjoyment in his eyes. He likes that I am suffering and I also see in his eyes that today was light. I am thankful and so grateful to him in that moment. I shake my head yes....in agreement. I thank him for being light. The words in my brain are screaming between submitting to anything he wants and running.

I pick the zaps and kicks. I just am not sure I can take the zaps again. I feel light headed from the pain. My body aches deep pain. I beg for the shock. It hits. I start to cry hard again. The kind of crying makes you want to curl up and just keep crying. I am crying and screaming from the pain of the shock. He tells me to get back in position as it makes me jerk forward and curl up again. I beg for the next shock. I do the same thing again for a moment before getting in position for the kicks. I beg to be kicked. First one hits my already bruised flesh. I beg for the second, "Sir, please kick my cunt." It comes harder then the last. I scream and automatically bring my legs together in pain. He laughs at me and say something about me always opening my legs to him because my cunt needs the abuse. I open them and beg for the third. “please kick my cunt.” The third knocking forward and collapsing into the bed. I lay crying huddled in a fetal position.

He come and pushes me up....on my knees again so that my ass is in the air. He sticks his fingers in my cunt and then into my ass. And then I feel his hard cock outside of my anus. I try to move forward. I am in such pain. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to feel my ass being stretched. He yanks me back and pushes in fast.I scream and try to move forward and he grabs my hair with one hand and other hand firmly on one hip - fingers digging in with each thrust. I cry...more tears...more pain.  He fucks my ass. He cums, pulls out, and peels the condom off. He tells me to get dressed. I hear him, but everything feels like it is slow motion. I have problems getting my clothes on. He is doing things around the room. I start to cry more. He laughs at me.Tells me to finish dressing. Telling me I am a piece of shit. He kicks me to hurry to finish getting dressed and has me crawl to the door kicking me.

I leave and as soon as I walk out the door  I am thinking about what will happen the next time. Yes, there was a next time. I went back for more.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

"heart is removed, you tripped on the rug, now you're shimmerless and infected like a drug. your wishes are meaningful, your contents a glare.. but if you think you can run from me i think you should be scared." ~ by Senah a blog I just stumbled across tonight and kind liked that.

Lately I have not listed the music I am listening to but I am still of course listening to music. It has been heavier for me then my normal tunes...Linkin Park In the End...I listened to over and over about a hundred times last week. One day I played nothing but that and Puddle of Mudd.

Here is the lyrics to In the End by Linkin Park

"In The End"

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

good song...

And then another one that I am singing to a lot right now....


by Puddle of Mudd

"Blurry"

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Don't you think those are interesting lyrics to be going with the moods, situations and life just happening with me?

Ohhh look at the lyrics for Control by Puddle of Mudd! Some good lyrics there :) Make me think of M in some parts of it!

Last night was Carpe Diem and I always enjoy being around friends. I then went to the play party afterwards but did not play. And that was no big deal to me. I am not feeling well still so that fine with me.

Something that has been going on is...I have been dealing with some Kam issues/feelings/thoughts. And last night I gave the rest of his things to a friend of ours. And then today I got an email from him. It was a hard email to read. I know I have not even fully digested it yet. I don't want to have to deal with it actually, but will eventually. I know it had to be a VERY hard email for him to write. I do appreciate him writing it though. I love Kam and always will. He changed my life....forever.

I saw M today for just a little bit.....I think he was going to just go play with me but then I asked to talk to him so we went to lunch...him ordering for me of course...and he made a good choice. I am VERY silly but one of my favorite meals is...cheeseburger and fries. This burger he got me was a 3 cheese - cheeseburger and it was REALLY good!

Anyway, we talked about the things I did not want to be a grown up and talk about. I did not want to have to stand up and say yes this is what I need because basically my fear he will stop seeing me....and I like so much about him. I like how I feel when I am with him. I like the things he does to me of course...the brutal and extreme things. I like just our talks and hanging out too. I like that I feel safe and protected and cherished (that word seems so weird to me to be describing how I feel with M but it is true) I like when he tease me. I like when he is sarcastic and funny. He has many wonderful qualities that make it very easy to want him. So I talked and then he talked. He gave me a few things to think about and so I drove back to Moni's and thought about those and then wrote him with some things that I thought about so right now it seems we are in a standstill of talking.

He did something right before we left....he actually stopped me from leaving to do.....and of course it got to me....it made me giddy and that rush I get from him when we play....I got that same rush from this simple little act....of...affection....silly me :) *blushing*

While in Detroit I did lots of thinking but I also had some dreams and then in one of the dreams it was basically telling me not to ignore my dreams. I woke up wide awake knowing that I had to confront M about some things I have issues with....and a lot of it goes back to Todd. I know it is not fair to put my past on to M but I need to also learn from my past. I have had lots of dreams of Todd lately where it proves to me where he was an illusion. I am not saying M is...an illusion but...he does have some things that he does not open up to me about that give me red flags. And I give him A LOT of trust when I play with him as hard as we play.

When I got back from Detroit, I was talking to Sir Laz one night and he asked me about my goal. And I told him my goal and he said are you on a path for it....

And when he said the word path I burst into tears. Because this light bulb came on that said to myself...that I got off my path. And so now I am trying to get back on it. And I think M is actually very proud of me for doing that but I also think he believes I gave him a to z already so why do I need to cut it back to a to m. He also has had the luxury of almost complete control...he knew he could pretty much ask me to do anything and I would....scary thought huh? But it is true. And now...I want some of that control back and he does not want to give that up at all. And to be fair...if I met him and said that he could have control of a to m but I had control of n to z he would have never got involved with me. Not that M expects complete control instantly but....he has guidelines and within the guidelines there is some control for the submissive but he has most of the control.

So it is not fair of me to say....I want this now. Can there be a middle ground worked towards....maybe. Maybe not though.

I started to cry in the car today with him....I think that maybe surprised him and caught him off guard. I had some tears with the pain he has given me but not tears of sadness with him. I am really scared...

ending that like that...because right now....life is just kind of scary.

My life is pending...as Moni would say.

Punching Bag

Tears. Sobbing out of control. It hurts so much. The pain and fear is so intense and intoxicating.  He had me hold  on to the door frame between rooms. His fist pummeled me. I am his punching bag. His eyes were dark and full of rage. He told me to not let go of the frame. I am digging my fingers in to hold on as each punch hits me. He punches me so hard that I can't hang on. He tells me I am a piece of shit as he comes towards me grabbing me by my hair. Pulling me back into the room he grabs me by my throat and throws me into the wall next to the door. I gasp as it was so hard that it took my breath away. 

He pushes me to my knees to suck his cock. He pulls me off before he orgasms, pushes me to the ground and kicks me. Over and over he kicks me. I feel the bruises coming to the surface of my skin.  I am sobbing tears. He tells me I am there for him to abuse. He tells me how he wants to bloody me.  He gets down and starts punching me again. Turning me over punching me all over.  I beg him to stop. He laughs at me. He grabs my hair and drags me behind him. I try to crawl and he pulls hard and my arms go out and my face hits the floor. He steps on my face and leans over to spit on me. He pulls me into the bathroom and pushes my head into the toilet and then pisses on me.  He pulls my face out of the toilet having me open my mouth and suck him again.  He pulls out just as he is to cum. I have spit, piss and, cum dripping down my face. 

He stands there and looks at me. The darkness in his eyes still there that I have to look down. He has me get on all fours. He comes around to between my legs and sees I am wet. I am have been scared, cried, felt intense pain, and my body reacts to it all. He bends over and slaps at my cunt - over and over.  He reminds me I am a worthless piece of shit and a sloppy whore who needs to be abused. Soon an orgasm rips through me.  After I have an orgasm he tells me to take the towel on the floor and wipe myself off and get out. He reminds me the towel is dirty and just there to be used just like me. He tells me he is done with me so to get dressed and get out. 

I am at Katrina’s…Moni and Katrina are busy, so I decided it was time to write. I have needed to very much today.

I did not sleep well on Friday night. I was in some pain from playing. I was in such pain that even masturbating hurt *blushing* Saturday evening I spent with Moni, Michael and Katrina. We went to see Ghostship. It was okay. I don’t like scary movies. It was not that scary…just some gross parts lol

Then today…today…I went to see M. We hung out and talked. He took me to this little town…I had never been there…it was very cute. We walked around and talked. We talked about many things – the main one being…where we are going. I asked him where he thought our relationship might end up. He told me he was good with how things are right now. 

The other thing we talked about was fear. I like feeling the fear, but it also creates panic which I don't like. I really now think it is just lack of control. I don’t know how far M will go. I mean I know he will not harm – damage – or permanently injure me, but I don’t know where he will bring me…as I know he can/will go further then I ever imagined. And that is scary but very exciting at the same time. I don’t have control with M. I feel totally out of control with him and I panic. I never have been totally out of control.

I have always had some control. Something that was mine…to control…some way to hang on that no one knew about. But with him he does not let me do that. He takes one thing away and then the next. And it feels like they are being ripped away from me.

But it is what I have always wanted…so why do I hang on so?

We talked about the other day…when we played. It showed me how out of control I am with him. It is very scary but also feels so good at the same time.

I just stopped to talk to Moni and Katrina about this next concept. Moni understood it…I had not been explaining it right but when she used an example…it is what I had meant.

There are men that compel me or inspire me to submit to them. But I get something from them to make me feel submissive. It is give and take kind of thing. There are men who I submit to where is a conscious choice of me serving or submitting. But with M…it is something totally different that I have not experienced before. I just do it. I don’t think about it. I don’t “feel” submissive and thus serve. I just do it. I just serve him because he is who he is…he does not need to do anything. He does not have to work to compel me. He does not have to grab my hair or order for me or beat me (even though I love it when he does those things). We can be walking and talking in a little town and I just serve him…just want to serve him.

I just submit…as if my muscles don’t know anything else…don’t have a choice. It is not even a choice it just is…it is just life. It is just being me and him being him.

I hope that is making sense.

I am having an issue with M…something else he and I talked about extensively today. And I hope that my time in Detroit helps me think about it and get some perspective…on what I need to do about it.

Oh btw I am for sure leaving this week for Detroit. :)

Right now I am not stressing about Detroit but I am sure I will get to a point of being nervous. I am going to help a friend but I am serving a D/s household. It is a household 24/7 – 365 days. My friend’s Master intimidates me also. I know why…I put her up on a pedestal as I have submitted to her. And then she is his slave so…you know he is up above her. I don’t think I could do what she does always. But I will get a little taste of her life. And I am sure it will be quite the learning experience for me.

M…again today we were just hanging out and he was dominant always. It is definitely not a role for him. He and I talked about my role…something I talk about some in my journal…is being nothing.

I want to be nothing so much. I want to be brought down…so that I am nothing. I want to feel…that when M calls me worthless…it is true. I want to know it and not fight it. Every time he calls me worthless my cunt just twitches with excitement and it bothers me that I get so turned on with the names he calls me.

He does not want it to be role I put on…I understand that…because I have wanted that for a very long time.

So how can one believe they are worthless and valuable at the same time? Hmmm good question…but I think it is possible.

I know M looks at me as nothing. But he also values and respects me. He views me as an intelligent woman. It just is how it is…and he does make me feel all those things…valued and like nothing also.

I don’t think my words are coming out very well.

I walk away from him…knowing I am nothing, but feeling on top of the world. I appreciate the time he gives me…maybe even more since LDR stuff never seems to work these days. And so that time is precious.

I want to be nothing. I want to have all the layers shed off so I am nothing. Not that I am not valued. M finds value in me. And even respects me (another talk we had today). But so all the things I am for everyone else…are gone…and the only thing left is me…that needs to be nothing.

I really need to find better words to describe this state of being I feel I need to get to – to be myself.

Moni today cautioned me. And I heard what she had to say and am keeping it on the surface to examine.

Todd has popped up in dreams lately and also conversations. And there is a reason for that. I just hope it is not the reason that would make Moni’s cautions correct.

I have thought of Nick lots today also. I wanted to call him several times but held myself back. Why? Because…I can’t do that right now.

I need to get to bed. I have lots to do before I go to Detroit.

Time to write.....lol (okay it took me more then an hour...damn it is 3 pages long...so what do you expect especially with the feelings I am having)

I have been at Moni's since Tuesday evening. Her, a couple other friends and myself went to dinner and then to see White Oleander on Tuesday.

One of the first lines in the movie was....

"Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

Isn't that a marvelous line? LOL :) yummy!

Wednesday then I hung out at Moni's during the day. I saw Monseigneur E online but decided we need a little space before chatting again after our talk on Tuesday. That talk is still affecting me. I have written quite a bit about it in my offline journal because I had to get the feelings out. I have seen Linda on also and not messaged basically because of the same reason. I need to start distancing. I was hoping I would have his help with that and that was the whole point of me starting that discussion the other day. But it did not end up that way. *shrugs*

I talked to M about it. He listened but he does not know much about Monseigneur E and Linda so really did not offer advice or opinions. Nick read my journal entry and was concerned so asked me to call him.

I then went to Katrina's Wedneday night to hang out and talk. Then today I went to Cleveland, ran errands and then spent the afternoon with M...which I will talk about later! I am a happy little girl tonight. :)

Things I have been thinking about….expressing feelings/projecting feelings….

I think there is a difference between expressing feeling and projecting feelings. I am very aware of those types of things…projecting feelings, passive/aggressive and manipulation. I can look back at times in my life where I did one or all those things and I don’t want to repeat those behaviors. Now I express my feelings, something I did not do in the past. I try never to say YOU ARE….insert negative adjective, because to ME that is projecting. Saying I feel...is not projecting.

Being a slave….

I am not sure why but it is like a light bulb has went on with me recently...I understand what it means to be a slave. Can I explain it? LOL no not yet. I never thought I was as slave but felt I could be….and now…I know I can be it is just going to take LOTS of hard work. But it is really what I desire. When M and I talk about Master/slave relationships, it just fits in so right with what I have always felt and thought…it just makes sense to me.

WOW…it would be so incredible if I really could get to that point. I want it so very very much.

Today…*big smiles*
I know I float around on cloud 9 after seeing M. I look like a silly little girl. It is hard….I cry…I fight…and yet….it is the most incredible thing I think I have ever experienced.

Today we met and he took me to the horse races….something I had not done before. I did not do anything but watch him but I enjoyed it. I just was so thrilled to be with him I know I probably would have been happy watching grass grow LOL :) But going and doing that which I have never done – and then doing it with him and watching him…was very nice.

The Dominance is incredible. I have never had anyone do Dominance like he does…it is always there...I mean always! Even when he is sitting having a conversation about the horses it was there.

The problem we are having right now…I fear him. I don’t fear that he will damage me or do permanent harm. The fear is so many things…it is fear of just anticipation of what will come next, fear of where he will take me this time, fear of not having control, and what seems to be a big one for me right now just fear of the pain. And what is up with that?

I know what is up with that…M has given me pain like I have not had since I was 18 and with Don. The pain is same, but not the relationship just to put a warning here : )

The fear does not make me run…the fear is just an emotion…not actually what I want as I don't want to run. I mean when I think of the pain he is giving me right now…he has given me worse so I logically know I can handle it. But it is…so hard right now to take the pain. I mean it hurts in a different way. So I have been fearing it…and I get so scared that I make myself sick.

So, M talked about it with me and he has a solution we are going to work on this weekend. I mean the fear does not make me run. Afterwards I feel this high…and it is like I have been floating on cloud 9 and I don’t even go to subspace with him. It is almost like I am in subspace afterwards, because the emotional masochism kicks in. When I just feel it all and enjoy it, after the fear and pain. I don’t know if I am making sense.

I fear so much, but I need to be there so much to feel that fear. I needed him today. I needed him is the only way I can describe it too. He asked me if I wanted to leave a few times….and I said no each time even though the fear was just racing through me….but I needed him so much I knew I could not leave….it would just leave me empty.

His Dominance makes me not want to run. It makes me want to take the pain. It makes me want to beg for the pain even though I have not been able to do that because yet because the fear ends up stopping me.

When I got in the car, he pulled my hair. When we were at the races, he would say, “come” (to follow) and “stay here.” When we went to eat, I was not allowed to open the menu. He ordered for me. He was commanding, but so himself…telling me stories and jokes. It was so natural. I don’t understand how he does that….but I like it. I feel my submission just open up and want to pour out. It is nice to submit to someone right here. But I hold I still hold some back. 

I really hate the fearing the fear. Because today was painful but it is something I should have been able to take better. And I fought it. I fought him and I feel so bad about that. I just want to learn to be good, accept the brutality, and not fight him.

Skipping some aspect of today that I need to right now, but I stripped right away and he had me bend over he spanked me hard. He kicked my cunt. I fell to my knees and he yelled at me to stand up straight and not go to my knees. He did it again and then the fear took over. Ugghh I am so mad at myself. Some more things happened and some more things...and then he wrote on me. I am not going to say what he wrote on me because I want it for me and only me, but it made me feel good in the way that again it feels natural like it is really me. Then some more things happened and some more. And finally he fucked me in the ass. I then gave him a massage and we talked about the fear. I then begged him to kick my cunt. Something he wanted me to do. 

He give me lessons I need to learn with him. Such as don’t tell him something will hurt…because he will show me something that hurts more. Don’t say no…because he will do it more. Don’t try to fight or he will push it harder.

I like that he does not let me have control even when it is my emotions reacting not really what I want or think.

I mean I fight sometimes because of natural instinct, but when he tells me to stop I do. So, it is not me fighting to fight…it is me fighting because my brain says you are not getting air…get air…so hands come up to fight him. Or my brain telling me whatever it being "attacked" to make it stop. So instincts kick in.

I feel like all the words I could ever say are never going to explain what happens when I am with him. They never are going to explain the pain I feel…the fear I feel…and the calmness too.

Makes me think of that quote in White Oleander….."Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

What I have craved for years is…to feel like I did when with Don….the good aspects of Don. And M brings me to it…and past it….and I am flying high tonight because of him….and all the while remember who I am….to him….nothing. I am valued...with him though...he is showing me that too. I am valued toy to abuse. :)

It is a GREAT feeling!

I have had a blank document open all day. I feel it in the deepness of who I am….I feel so many things right now. Everytime I think of his words I start to get upset today. Why does he have such a hold on me and I never met him? Why do I let him affect MY life…so?

Because I want to submit to him….I am sure it is just that simple.

With Nick it is different. And I don’t like that it has changed. I know the reasons why it has….more then one there.

Last night Nick messaged me after reading my journal. He wanted to know what I had been keeping from everyone. And so I asked to call him. He was on his way to class so we only had a few minutes at that time. We talked later in the evening though. So, since I told Nick… I knew I had to come to face telling Monseigneur E. And I was dreading that. It turned out so far pretty much how I thought it would.

Nick and I had a long talk. And he was not happy with my answers. He still cares for me though. And still wants something with me.

I explained to him right now I am very frustrated with him… and with Monseigneur E. Even though I understand both their reasons why I have not been there to visit. It does not make it easier…really. I know that Monseigneur E wants to give me time when I am there and right now that would not be possible. And Nick well right now it is a financial thing for both of us really. And that is the bottom line on that. But he is beyond the time of wanting to meet and is just as frustrated about it as I am about it.

I told Mistress DM today also…and she and I talked about that is my life. She knows how I put stake into what my friends say. I want their opinions. I hear their opinions but in the end it is my choice and life and I don’t like having to go against what they say….because I worry about their reactions…worry if they will approve or disapprove. I value their opinions even if they are not what I want to hear or what I go with.

Sometimes they agree with me and sometimes they do not.

Hearing Monseigneur E’s words were very hard to hear. I knew they would be and even though I was avoiding telling him I did not avoid hearing what he had to say. I knew I needed to hear it. Because right now his opinion still has a lot of weight with me. I am still very much…wanting to submit to him.

He did not say anything “wrong” - or that I took “wrong” but it still upset me. I hung up the phone with him and cried. I don’t like that what he thinks still affects me so much.

When I made the decisions to play with M (new persons name in my journal from now on), I did it for reasons….1) all he said was true, 2) I needed something he could give me, 3) he is local. I am tired of things not working out with people long distance. And I did not think of anyone but me in the moment of saying yes lets get together.

He gives me things I need…what is wrong with that? I have felt things in the recent weeks that I have not felt before or felt in a very long time. What is wrong with that?

I am being “foolish” - that was one thing I was told….I don’t understand that….I don’t.

M and I talked for quite sometime before I decided to get together. Because I did have questions because….of the past. And he cleared those up for me….and after playing with him again…I know he will not emotionally damage me. He pushes me far but I trust him not to push me over or if he does…he will bring me back whole. I just know it.

Broken

I am home from being broken. He breaks me so easily. He uses and abuses me in a way that pushes all my buttons. Things I haven't ever even said outloud.

My bruises from my birthday are still bright on my skin and new bruises forming on top. I like the look of the bruises on top of bruises. 

Our time together feels violent. It feels like abuse.  I am sobbing and feel the fear just shaking through my body telling me to run. But I can't. I stay there and take it. He doesn't restrain me. He wants me to submit to his sadism fully and willingly. 

So today I am feeling broke and battered.  I feel like me again.

I think I have most of the blogger changes done…I am sure I will do some tweaking here and there. : ) Things I need to do is finish getting my archives up. And it is about that time for a cast list change. I think I am going to get rid of old names…those that I don’t mention anymore. There are a few of those names though that impacted my life enough that they will stay on that list always. And I will probably add a name or two.

This week actually has been really good for me - despite having my period and feeling like crap from it lol

I have felt very focused. I made a list of everything I need to get my butt in gear on. And I felt less stress this week. And I think it is due to my playing on Sunday. I know Saturday night playing helped too…Saturday was more for fun…and Sunday was more of a catharsis. I needed to go through what I did though on Sunday…kind of like a shedding of old skin.

I still have lots to work out in my life. I still want to submit to Monseigneur E but I believe fully that now is not the time. And if we get that chance ever…I am very unsure about. Linda and I talked the other night. She talked with me like her friend…like the friend I was before I submitted to her Master. And I was happy about that. I hope her and I move back to being friends like we were....before.

I sat here for about 5 mins wonder if I should have posted that. I hate that I go up and down about what I post about…I am neurotic : )

Well, I had been really depressed about my birthday but now I am kind of happy it is here…only thing that sucks is I started getting a cold yesterday and now it has hit me harder today. Moni is having a little party for me tonight and so I am hoping I feel better. I do feel a lot better then I did this morning and even before lunch. : )

So I do have a few topics I want to ramble about…

Slaves being burnt out…

It seems like so many slaves I talk to lately are burnt out. And not sure that is the right word for everyone. But so many are feeling very similar things and that is the closest thing I can compare it too. The pain I am feeling from the slaves I am talking is so intense. I remember how that felt to be in similar situation…and what to do for a solution just seems no where to be found.

How does a relationship not get to that point is what I want to know. And I am probably being judgmental… I put a lot of on the Master. Because it seems to me the Dominants don’t feel like putting the energy into giving that boost back to get the slave back out of that slump.

Last night we had a Girl’s Night Out (GNO) and it made me think of the first GNO I went to. I was owned…and I was just so relieved to be able to be with a bunch of women and not have to serve and not have to anticipate and be on it. I was able to wear panties, I was able to wear sweats, I was able to wear a t-shirt and I could just be…and I was so tired then…that it was like a mini-vacation even though it was only one night.

I mean isn’t that sad that one night meant so much to me?

Visible Mark – specifically facial bruising…

Okay next topic I am taking this personally I know I am …

I started a thread on a local list and I feel like got a little out of control. I started the topic and put myself out there...I just did not think I would be judged so by those who know me. It is silly but those on a national list were okay with it. Did not hear much back…but those that were local acted like I murdered someone.

I have bruises on my face. And I love them. It is not something I would want everyday. But they mean something to me.

Mostly people were upset I would expose children to my bruises. My argument being then…okay when I was moving I had boxes fall on me and I had a bruise on my forehead and lots of them on my body does that mean I hide from the world with those? Just because I got the bruises from play why does it make any difference?

The grocery store clerk is going to look at my bruises on my face right now and not think much differently then she would with the bruise I got from the box falling on me when I moved.

Also if the grocery store clerk thinks I am abused…so what. I am not and if she cares to ask I will be happy to say no I am not and that the bruises are okay with me. If I were to be questioned further…I am out and open about my lifestyle and I am happy to discuss it with others.

As far as exposing children…the children I am around have not said anything and if they would. I would assure them I am okay and if they thought it was from abuse I would again assure them I am okay. That no one is hurting me.

There were many more things said and all of them pretty much irritated me. And not that they irritated me because they disagreed with me, what got to me is that they made me seem like what I am doing is WRONG and what they are doing is RIGHT. And who is to judge that…in BDSM we all have our own kinks. I hate tickling. It is a limit. It goes back to my childhood and I so I hate to be tickled. I don’t tell anyone else they are wrong to be tickled. That it could traumatize them just because it is not good for me.

The Sadist put the bruises on my face was very controlled in how he did it. And did it very purposefully. It was done under the BDSM communities’ slogan – SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). (I prefer RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.)It wasn't out of control rage punching me. At least it didn't seem that way to me.

Next topic...Nick...

I got an email the other night from Nick after he read my journal. The email touched me. He expressed many things again that I did not know he felt. He ended up calling me the next day and we talked for a long time. He made me laugh and smile something he does very well.

I am going to need a name for the new person...even though he not new in my life. We have talked a little bit every day.

I think about what happened Sunday and it...scares me that when I think of it...it makes me feel good. And people read that probably think what are you complaining about that for...

Because what was done to me…was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The whole time I was with him it was full of fear and my body reacted. I was so wet…I don’t know if I ever been that wet before. I felt it all over my thighs. But here I don’t get this...I was not turned on mentally...I felt the pain and fear. I just felt it permeate my whole body…as I curled into a little ball after punch, kick, slaps, zaps of electricity…everything he did to me made me fall over...and go into this emptiness of pain and fear. Only thing in that moment was him and the pain and the fear. I did not feel anything else in the moment. And for a girl whose mind and feelings don’t slow down…it was an incredible feeling.Just to feel those things. I know that must sound odd.

He humiliated me. And told me who I was…and made me *know* it through my body...


And I think of the pain and how I suffered and I crave it...crave to suffer again....

Why do I crave something like that again?

I remember when I first realize there words like painslut and masochist. It made me feel so much better about myself and not worry about that I liked pain so much. Made me stop trying to figure why I was this way...

And now I almost feel I am going through this all again… like I am new and experiencing pain for the first time...

I said it was shedding...I did I shed a layer of old skin....something I am not.... to expose the person I am more…not a person most would want to be…

But I want to be nothing so much...

Having It All

How can I achieve a relationship with M/s, love, compassion, and abuse? Is it possible? I know that when I think of what Don did to me, some things my ex-husband did to me, and now the Sadist does to me...I question if it can be achieved.

Every time I walk away from the Sadist, I am broken. Oh yeah, I am seeing him again. I need to put myself back together. But is it really putting myself back together or is it putting masks and layers on to pretend I am like everyone else. Pretend I am a good girl that likes to be treated like a princess? Oh please...a princess?   Only time I have liked playing princess is within my Daddy/little girl relationship with Kam.  But even then I wasn't princess, but just Daddy's good girl. But really that is a small part of my personality.  The fear, the brutality, the need to be abused, humiliated, and degraded, those are me. Those take up a huge part of who I am and I am sure it is the parts that make a few friends tell me I won't ever be a slave. That a slave doesn't need those things. A slave is about obedience and service. I am wired for both so why can't I be wired for obedience, service, the need to feel fear, abuse, brutality, humiliation and degradation - why can't I find a relationship with all that and love?

Where this will take me

Well lets see where this takes me…

Okay nothing seems to want to come out today…sitting starring at the white blank document before me and all see are images from Sunday and then images that Monseigneur E has left me with after our conversations.

I look in the mirror and see the marks on my face. I feel good with them. I feel they allow me to be something I have wanted to be for so long. He is allowing me to be nothing. He believes I am. He showed me I am…and it felt very freeing. I was scared. My mind would go between should I run - because it is not “normal” to feel pain like this - it is not “normal” to let someone do what he did to me….and the other part of me felt so at home…like this was “normal” for me.

My mind….when I felt the zap of electricity on my soaking wet cunt…spun to a place of blankness. It was empty…of worries. It was just pain. I knew why I was feeling that kind of pain…I knew who I was… and where I belonged. My brain then would start to spin again and I would scream no more as the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was pure pain. Not pleasure. No orgasm from it. No masochist needs being taken care of in that moment. But it did unlock something. I felt it. And yet I don’t want to feel that pain ever again. Do I?

I get to this place of thinking about what happened and want to beg him to let me serve him…and I hold myself back. Because I also don’t know if I am thinking clearly…am I rebounding? I mean it could be that I am…I feel I am still attached to Monseigneur E in ways but others feel like I had to let it go…to keep going forward.

As usual my life has taken an unexpected turn…and now I will have a new set of circumstances to work out. At least I am not on a roller coaster though…those are the worst! : )

Overcoming Fear

Wrote Thursday about 1pm

I am still sick with my cold. So still partly a whiny little girl lol

Today I didn't do much of anything.

Lots on my mind, but nothing that is really stressing me.

I am really getting frustrated with the Dominants that "hit" on me. I now tell most of them that I am devoting my time to get to know Nick and they still do not give up. Part of me would like to find someone I could just play with and have fun with in hanging out with. But the other part of me just wants to wait to and be with Nick.

I wrote up what happened on Sunday to me. I sent it to 2 people. Di and Sir Nick. After Di read it she was like "you are NEVER EVER EVER going to get together with that guy again!" Nick was very calm about the whole thing. I had told them that things on my website happened, but I hadn't told them which ones until I wrote it up. Nick had basically took a look at my website and guessed by narrowing it down what could have happened. He was right on most counts as he found out in my write up. He told me I am never to do that again. That meaning meeting with a sadist without meeting them and just playing. He wants me to get to know the person. 

The Sadist created fear in me that I had not felt in a very long time. The things that happened turn me on. The things that happened to me were consensual. It was amazing. Part of me wishes I could do it again. But part of me feels it would not be captured again like it was...because things like that just happen once. They are a violent dream that hangs on my breath when I wake. So it can never been like that first time.

So then my mind spins with will Nick ever make me feel fear because of the type of relationship we have - I worry it won't and I need it. I need the violence. Did the sadist and I walked in to a situation of not really knowing each other and it worked because of that?  Can when you get to know someone like I am with Nick feel that fear?  Nick and I know each other and will know each other on many different levels. I devoted so much time to find this person - who is compassionate, but yet so sadistic that he can put fear in me - and now if Nick and I do not work exactly that way will I be missing anything from my life? Is it really a need. Because damn I hate that I feel I need to be violence that brings fear in my life.  BTW I am not saying Nick cannot put fear in me....I have seen how his mind works!! mmmmm yummy! But can something like this be maintained in a 24/7 relationship?

1:50am Friday

I met JJ tonight. We talked and it was good to talk to her and see her.

On my way home I called Nick and he was online so I left him a message on voice mail saying I was on my way home. He called right as I was walking into my building. We talked until now.

He makes me feel so giddy and alive. I am smiling and it is so strange because our conversation was pretty vanilla (how our days went and he bought a new toy that is one of those things that I do not like - that right there is sooooo strange that I like a man that likes the toys that he does.) He told me that when I go there he is going to get me over my fear of those type of toys. He understands my fear completely! He is understanding and compassionate, but he wants me over the fear for that. Even though I need fear in my life he wants me not to fear this toy.  It is a toy he really likes so I understand he doesn't want me to cry every time I see one.

When I was out and about tonight there were lots of motorcycles on the road. It made me crave to be on one. Di and I had just talked about them the other day too where I said that I never have really liked them. Jim was in an accident on one and he was very lucky he walked away. Also as a child, I saw my uncle get in many accidents with them and so they have always been something kind of scary. Okay why I hear Todd in my head now...ugggh. His thing was if you fear it - do it to get past it. I do not agree with that on ALL things. But some maybe. Nick's toy yes....because that is a fear of my past that I need to take back control on. Motorcycles yes maybe ride them to get past that fear. Going to an amusement park no...not the fear to conquer not that way. Because it would not matter - going would not conquer that fear because it is much broader then that.

Post all about fear - wanting fear and over coming fears. 

Well, I need to get to bed, as I have to be up at 7am. uggghhh

peace,
danae

After Thoughts

I have a cold so I am a whiny little girl. Nick and Di are not feeling well right now either. Maybe they are both having sympathy pains for me. Kam gets those with me. I rescheduled my doctor appointments for the week of the 17th because I played and have bruises and was not using my brain to think about what I was doing and that it would not be good to show up with these kind of bruises as I am not completely out yet to my doctor.

I have received a few emails today begging me to send me the link to the extreme site....I know I sholdn't talk about it here if I am not willing to share it. But it is extreme and exposes me.

I feel very content right now. Things seemed balanced...not so chaotic. I do not have the feeling that I need to act now and have everything NOW like I did right after Todd broke up with me. I am sure it is because of playing with the Sadist. My life always feel better when I get a big dose of humiliation, degradation, and brutality.

Kam is upset with the Sadist for things he did to me/with me. I am not. Basically I asked for it having the things I do on my website.

Anyway....I laid out clear careful thoughts on my website of what I "seek" and he used that to freely inflict sadism on me.  As I have said before. I have expressed my desires to Dominants in the past and they did not "get it" or they get to know me and think I am too nice to "hurt." Or they say they want to do the things, but really when we get together they don't want to go that extreme.

I did some of the things listed on my site with Don. Some things with my ex-husband. Some things I have not done. Other things it has been a very long time since I had them done. Also just as a masochist - it has been a while since I had pain. I have not played (not that I have not had the opportunity) since with Sir. Anyway, the Sadist played with me very much on the edge. For not knowing me very well - it was not safe. It gave me things though that I need. He made me feel fear and I crave fear. I hear him...his voice amused when we were at the end he asked me questions. He wanted yes or no answers. If he felt I was lying, I would be punished. At the end he said that he would give me 20 even though he didn't feel I lied. Twenty doesn't sound that bad right? He was so much harder then any other I have played with so he told me that if I moved that he would start over. He added we would keep going until I passed out if necessary. I did the 20. I think that surprised him. He asked I wanted to keep going after the 20 or have him leave. I wanted him to stay and make me pass out. But I said to do the 20 and leave. By this point I knew people that care about me would be worried. If I passed out, then what happens to me when I am passed out?  I was crashing from the abuse and use. The Sadist told me he was amused by me. That annoyed me. But I am assuming he could read my face and see that I struggling with which direction I would go on the 20. I keep starting an email asking him questions, but stop. I want to know why he did this...why me...and had he ever done those things before.

Well, my phone is ringing lots it is Tuesday night.

peace,
danae

Sunday Mistakes?

Sunday....

Well I worked. Kam helped me and then after we went to breakfast. When I got home I had a phone call from a Dominant I have been chatting with that has read my extreme site. He corresponded with me a few times and after that I wrote him saying that he might be fun to play with but that I knew he was not the Master for me. I think that amused him. Yeah, probably didn't come out nicely. 

Anyway I have had things come up or been busy every time he has wanted to get together. He wrote me on Friday asking about playing this weekend. So yesterday we did.

I had not asked Nick. We had talked about it several times, but I did not get his permission. He has not asked me to ask on those things, but I have felt compelled to many times to get his permission.

So I said yes to the Sadist before I had talked with Nick on the phone. I talked to him after saying yes and Nick said something, but in his voice I heard that he was serious and it scared me. I felt fear tremble through me. All he told me was that he wished I would be there when he got home in the afternoon. And though I have dreamed of this many times hearing him say that how he did....just scared me.Because he wasn't pleased with me.

Nick has not been in a relationship in a very long time. I guess part of me has always felt I was going to be a "fling" basically. Someone who came to him and played with him one weekend and then that was it. I want much more in my next relationship. I mean logic tells me he knows that. He has read my websites and blogger and listens to me when I talk so he knows what I want and if he did not want similar things he would have moved on. And he hasn't sooooooo logic should tell me I am not just going to be a fling. But old fears creep up.

So when the Sadist called I had things going on but I said that I might be free a little later so we ended up getting together.

Part of me knows some reason I did play with the Sadist was beause I was scared of Nick and my relationship...but more after hearing him talk to me on the phone yesterday - how good he is too me - I had one of those insecure moments and felt what did I do to deserve such a good man. I felt he is too good for me. Which in his words last night is "bullshit." He does not swear very often so I knew he was serious :)

So anyway I met with the Sadist. He read things off my website, but he did everything he wanted. He was harsh and mean and just what I needed. But he did touch on many things I have on the website. I know he wanted to do more. He held back. Which is just scary all on it's own. I have some bruises that are going to last probably as long as that one from Todd. My body feels the effects of yesterday. Di is ready to smack me. It was not safe. I mean I left Kam the numbers and such and a time I would check in.

After I left I cried,  from what is he did to me, but also realizing that Nick wasn't happy with me. Almost felt I betrayed him. I felt the fears in me that I might lose him and then I realized part of me was "seeing" if I could scare him off.  I did not feel good enough for him so what better way for me to feel it - to be treated like nothing. Because that is what happened. The Sadist was amused that my website talks of long term relationship with compassion.

Anyway I am pretty lucky I mean there were moments I felt he might not stop. Please no lectures. I got them from Di and  Nick :) Not that it was really a lecture from Nick. It just was concern and I was told if I do something like this again he would be on a plane and at my doorstep to punish me. And that thought made me feel good. Not that I want to be punished but that I knew he was serious. He said he might pick up Di on the way in so she could give me a few smacks. She said last night when I called her "come over so I can smack you" and I said I think I have been smacked around quite enough for the night *grin* It was true! 

Kam did not give me any lectures. He knew there was no stopping me that I had already made my mind up. He was not going to be able to influence me...I am sure he felt if he tried to say something that I would go and not set up calls with him and such. So at least I did that and he knew where I was even though as Nick pointed out that I could have been in a ditch somewhere before Kam got there. But I know the Sadist had not played in a while and wanted a plaything so not like he was going to break the thing just when he started playing. I know not the most comforting thought to those that care about me out there.


peace,
danae