Break Ups

First Master and I are good.  I will say that again Master and I are good. We are not breaking up. We have been together for 10 years - through good and bad and each year strengthens our relationship. But breaking up is a part of  almost everyone's lives. Most of us go through it at least one point in our lives.  It took many tries of finding that one before Master claimed me as his. It takes a lot of time and energy to find the one and even more time when poly and looking.  The end of May Master and I ended our relationship with teacup. It has been extremely hard on each of us. Master and I have been there to help teacup in processing just as she has been here for us too.

I know the Dominants I have been with have felt it their responsibility to be there for the submissive because the dynamic ending impacts so many parts of daily life. I know in my past relationships it helped me to have the Dominants support me while I processed and healed my heart.  I am thankful for having such caring and kind men in my life. 

My first dominant after my marriage was a long distance relationship. He broke things off with me because he knew I wanted M/s and he didn't and he also was wanting someone closer in distance to him. I am lucky he was a really nice gentleman as he kept in contact with me for a long time after our break up. Because he had been my dominant and had control over my life one day and then the next didn't so he didn't want me to feel completely abandoned. He helped me process and work through the grief of the break up. Eventually we lost touch with each of us moving.  But I am ever grateful for the contact he had in those months after the breakup.
 
My breakup with Kam was extremely hard because it wasn't a true breakup. We ended the M/s, but continued the Daddy/little girl and went to being boyfriend/girlfriend and still lived together.  It was hard because I had been enslaved so serving him all day every day for almost 3 years and then we changed that so it was hard not to just naturally do the things I had been doing - such as getting him a drink and the other acts of service that were my daily life. I did do some as his girlfriend and little girl, but it was hard to figure out the line and boundaries. He was very kind and supportive of me trying to process the end of the M/s. 

Maintaining a connection even as friends/family I think is important after ending a D/s or M/s relationship.   The dynamic can be difficult to move on from because our worlds become so intertwined with these kind of relationships. When that dynamic ends, it can leave each party feeling lost, confused, and alone. So reaching out to one another to ensure each person is processing and moving forward safely - is just a good thing to do.  The people involved come to each other knowing each person is hurting, processing and dealing with grief differently, but not abandoning each other.
 
For some people it might be easier or just part of their personal coping from grief to not have that other person around. In the end you need to do what is best for you, but communicate that so the other knows to seek support elsewhere. 

When D/s protocols have been such a big part of each persons life, it can be hard to navigate the world without it in place. We each had responsibilities in the dynamic and just because the dynamic ends doesn't mean the connection stops. Be kind to yourself and each other.

Service to Enhance His Life

I think a pitfall of  D/s and M/s relationships is thinking that you have to do x,y, z to actually be "doing it right."  But really there is no right way to do a D/s or M/s relationship.  Do what works for you.  Do what fits in your relationship naturally.  Finding protocols, rules or service can only be figured out by the people in the dynamic because you live your lives day in and day out.  It doesn't need to be complicated.  You don't need page after page of rules or protocols.  Start small and simple and build on it.

It is easy to take things people say they do and make them work for you.  A protocol I have read is about the submissive walking on the right side and one step behind the dominant. Now why people do that - I am not so sure.  But we have taken that rule and made it into a practical service I do for Master. He has me walk on his right side because he is hard of hearing and that is the side of his good ear. So I walk on the right side so he can hear me. He didn't create this rule because it is what "slaves should do" - he created it because it makes his life easier. So figure out how to make rules, protocol and service that enhances daily life.  


Here are some examples of service that I do in my dynamic that might help spark ideas for your dynamic...

• Chauffeur/Driver - I do drive Master very occasionally
• Domestic Service - I clean, do laundry and cook
• Secretary - I take notes for his business, do filing, manage household bills, sort mail, shred paper work and so on
• Personal care - give him massages, cut his toenails, give manicures, trim eye brows/pluck eye brows, trim his goatee, shave him, at times I will wash him and/or wash his hair, make sure he takes all his meds and vitamins daily, set out his clothes, take care of his clothes - such as buttons replaced, hems falling, boot-black/polish shoes, pack if we are traveling
• Yard Work
• General Catch-All - such as general household repairs - such as the sprayer on the sink wasn't working and so I replaced it or maybe Master needs something I can't do then I research or handle parts of it - if not all of it - such as we need to get a bush/tree pulled out of our backyard then I will be calling around to get prices and see what the process is like, cleaning the inside of the car, or shopping for gifts or making them if he wishes
• Companion - I often ride with Master even if it is him going into a meeting for an hour and him just wanting me there when he gets out. He likes to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie or playing a game - he enjoys my company and wants me available to be able to relax with him.

I am sure I am forgetting things, but this is just a starter list to get you thinking about areas of service. You also might want to read this post over on our website about the authority Master has over my life.

As always talk. I suggest if you are submissive reading this that before implementing any type of service - talk to your dominant.  See if he/she wants it  - because if he/she doesn't then it isn't really serving them.  To help figure out what areas will make the most sense in your dynamic -make lists of everything that the dominant does everyday for a couple of days to a week and then go through together and see if there are things the submissive can do to help serve the dominant.  Be realistic and practical, but don't forget you can add some spice to things if you both desire mixing the things you fantasize about with real life.

Sneeze on Command

You know he can just get into my head and spin it in many directions that I think up is down. It is so so...well frustrating...because I will be going "huh what just happened" and be completely turned on at the same time. I have said to him before jokingly, "You have brainwashed me to think it is perfectly normal do that to me." He just looks at me like, "Yeah so." 

Really not sure it is brainwashing or mind control, but instead I see it more as forms of conditioning and training me. Not just my training me how he likes his coffee, but to train me to react the way he wishes...even my brain. Okay so maybe I am in denial about it being brainwashing and mind control.


One day I felt a sneeze coming, but it wouldn't. For about 20 minutes (maybe not that long just seemed like a long time to me) I struggled and just wished the freakin sneeze would come out. I said that outloud to Master as we were watching a movie. We sat there a few minutes, he paused the movie, turned to me, and said, "sneeze." I sneezed. My mind is conditioned to obey him so I sneezed when he ordered me to do so.

Could he just tell me to sneeze when I wasn't feeling it coming - I am not sure it would work. But I do know the seeds he plants often flower exactly when he wishes.

Necktie on the Doorknob

Master had a rare appointment this afternoon where he had to wear a tie. I set his clothes out and hung the tie over the closet doorknob.

This is the convo we had as he got dressed:

Him: does the a tie over the doorknob mean you want sex?
me: I always want sex, but technically that tie is on the closet doorknob so not sure that means the same thing.
Him: that means you want to be locked in the closet.
me: mmms yes I think that is it Master.

Yes I love sex and it turns me on, but the thought of being locked in the closet turn me on more. I think I might be kinky.

Edit to add: My first thought that came to me when thinking of being locked in the closet was Master having sex with someone while I was locked in the closet.

Sustainable Service

I am posting (with permission) an essay by my good friend Jouet to our website. It is titled Sustainable Service - here is a quote from it:  

"Because “service equals reverence/gratitude/love” to me in some way that stubbornly defies logic. Above all else, my struggle is because I think he is an amazing rock star and it seems like I cannot give him “enough” in return."

Restrained Property

On The Slave Register group on FetLife, there was questions about keeping property in restraints. So thought I would write my answer up as a blog post. Adding some more information to it. 

Master and I have been together 10 years. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was stepping off the plane to meet him for the first time.  When I first visited Master, I stayed for a month. In that month, he kept me restrained, locked up, and isolated. It was because....well, both of us get off on that and because he was training me. He was slowing me down and getting me to focus on him.  I lived in Cleveland, Ohio at the time and I was a social butterfly. I had things to do all the time and was just very busy so slowing me down to make me focus on him was exactly what I needed. If I had been brand new to the lifestyle, I am not sure we would have been doing something like this, but really it just depends on the people and what they desire.

My suitcase got locked in the closet and I was stripped naked and cuffed. He would allow access to some items as time went on - such as sexy lingerie so I could dress up for him. Clothes became a privilege he only issued when we were going to go out. He kept me isolated away when I was first arrived so I didn't go out often. At bedtime, one ankle cuff was locked to a chain that was locked to the bed.  He sometimes left me chained to the bed in the morning when he went to work because again he was trying to get me to slow down.  I didn't get much sleep in Ohio, so he was trying to get me to sleep and rest.  The first morning he did that I discovered a problem.  The chain wasn't long enough to go to the toilet in the bathroom. The night before I had put a large plastic cup next to the bed with water.  I took that cup and because I  could just reach the sink with my arms - I emptied it and peed in the cup.  Master loved that I had to piss in a cup.  He almost thought of keeping it that way, but then decided no if I needed to toilet for a bowel movement or throw up - I would need the chain longer so he bought a longer chain.

I cleaned house in the wrist and ankle cuffs - sometimes with a chain between them and sometimes he left the chain off.  At times I was locked away when not serving. I have been locked in a cage to sleep and just kept.  All these things re-enforced my status within his household.  Helped me slow down and focus on him. He became the center of my world and in the type of relationship we wanted and have - M/s and O/p - really that is needed. All those things helped train me to be his slave and property.

Over the years there have been times he has still done those things, but not as long term as that first 30 days.  Some things get harder and harder for me to do because of my health issues also.  So he has to balance if he locks me heavy cuffs to a chore, that might mean I can't move the rest of the day because of pain. 

Being restrained like that does change the way I think and feel though and sometimes just to have those feelings is worth the pain I have on the backside of it. I always feel and know I am Master's property, but  those feelings are heightened with the restraints and locks and such. It also feels more primal because it makes me feel like his object and his captive. It makes me more pliable, demure and submissive.

It does have sexual aspects too it.  It is something that I fantasized about for so long before Master and then it became my reality with him.  But as time went on it really did depend on the situation on if it turned sexual for me. I remember a few times where it just annoyed me and did nothing for me sexually. Other times it felt just very utilitarian, but my body still reacted. And yet other times it was totally sexual even if cleaning or doing mundane tasks.

It can be impractical in general keeping a slave in restraints, but that really is some of the purpose to me to help figure out how to do this task without them getting in the way - such not getting my leather cuffs wet (we have a set that just is used for this purpose so they do get beat up more because of it). But I try hard to not have the o-ring on them bang a glass while loading the dishwasher because it could break it. I have to really focus on my movements and what the things I have on will do with the task at hand. It is difficult to do many tasks and sometimes hurts with chains, locks, cuffs digging in as I do the task. Although it does make me focus on the task sometimes it made me feel good inside being locked up like that and knowing it pleased Master that I do these tasks like that - other times it annoyed me. It is more impractical now because I have some health issues and chains and cuffs hurt more now and doing one thing might have lasting impact for days.

Over all I think having the restraints especially locking ones and being kept naked - really re-enforced my status in his house. I think it was the perfect thing to do - to train me to focus on him and my service. It made those internal workings really know I am his slave and property - he owns me and I have to obey him.

His Authority Over My Life

Master does exercise authority over most things in my life. Some of them are things he told or trained me to do and expects I will obey and fulfill them without him having to go over it each and every time. Some things he tells me what to do each and every time.

To read about the specifics of that authority and control over my life go to our blog on within Reality: His Authority Over my Life 

For those that read my reply to the Master/slave group - my blog expands on the specifics areas of control.

Happiness From Serving?

Do you believe your happiness can come(in it's entirety) from serving your owner?
I do gain happiness from serving Master, but I gain happiness from many other things and people in my life too. All things and people are in my life with my Owner's permission though so are done through serving him. Such as I am an artist and I create mixed media art works and he encourages this and allows it. By creating art I am serving his wishes and desires. He likes my creative personality as he has similar creative elements in his personality so it meshes well with him.

Do you believe the above view point is healthy?
I don't think it would be a healthy place for me. I know that when I cut art out of my life - I feel unbalanced. I need a creative outlet to be fulfilled just as I need to serve and be owned to feel fulfilled.

What role does being owned play in your personal happiness?
I know that if I were in a relationship that had equal footing, it would make me feel off and uncomfortable. Being owned does provide happiness to me as I feel more myself. It fulfills many elements of my personality.

Does your owner encourage you to rely on (him/her) for your happiness, completely?
No, he doesn't. He likes that I have many interests such as creative elements in my life and that they bring me happiness.  He encourages me to pursue things that make me feel good and happy.

Service when Sick

I  would like to say I feel my warranty on my body went out in the last few years so Master has seen a drop in my service significantly. I have chronic migraines and have since I was 12 years old so he has seen those since the day I became his. But a few years ago I started having a lot of pain shooting down my back and leg. I have 2 vertebra pinching a nerve, degenerative disc disorder and have arthritis starting too. I also have chronic depression that ranges from mild to severe.

When I was first with Master, I totally felt guilty and apologized all the time. I pushed myself more than I should have at times too. But I do think it does more harm for my mental and emotional well being to get in the mode of thinking - feeling guilty. It keeps me there longer. It brings me down. Also if I push myself to do more, then physically I can stay in pain longer because I pushed myself.

So now I think I try to focus on what I did do - even if it is one thing. A day that I can do some laundry and dishes when my body is full of pain and/or my head is pounding then I am thankful for those things. Thankful I was able to serve him even in that way. Again even if it was just one thing - maybe making dinner is it and I am thankful for that.

I sometimes see the frustration in him that things aren't how he wants.  But at the same time he wants me to take care of me the best way I can. But it is hard not to feel guilty when I do know he is missing things I do for him.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough so then I feel guilty and apologize.  Though in recent years I do get myself out of that line of thinking faster and give myself a kick in the pants and remember to serve in any way I can in that moment...even if it means resting and healing myself.  He would rather have me take care of me and get better faster than prolong it.

A Day in the Life of a Slave

I wrote a piece like this years ago, but I really think it needs to be updated and addressed again.

One day recently....
* made breakfast
* got our meds/vitamins and such
* refilled our daily medicine container
* Master took a shower so I laid out clothes for him
* got things out for dinner and prepped them
* threw a load of clothes in the washer
* worked on a project for Master's business
* took a shower
* made lunch
* switched out laundry
* wiped down the bathroom sink, counter and toilet
* unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
* put the last load of wash in the dryer or hung to dry
* created a to-do list for errands we were running - made sure I had everything on my grocery lists and did a final check of pantry and fridge to make sure anything else I needed to add
* gathered up our packages, grocery sacks and other items needed to run errands
* ran a couple errands with Master - including going to bank, post office and 2 different grocery stores
* put groceries away
* made dinner
* cleaned up dinner dishes, loaded dishwasher and ran it, swept kitchen, wiped counters and stove top down
* finished up a project for Master 
* had some me time - did some art journaling for a couple hours
* unloaded the dishwasher before bed at 1am

I know I am forgetting things - like him asking me to get him a water or snack, picking up clothes on the floor, looking for a bill we needed to do while we were out doing errands.  Just lots of things go on in the day. All these things are normal every day things people do throughout the day.  

A friend asked recently "What makes your life different than your neighbor?" I believe mostly it is his expectations of me and my intention behind everything. When I first became his, he made sure that he told me how he wanted things. I worked to bend to those desires. So now my thoughts are of him all day - what I need to do for Master and how can I enhance his life.

I mean really if it was just me in this house and doing these things - some of them would have been put off until the next day.  But I unloaded the dishwasher at 1AM as I know Master likes a clean sink and there were a few dirty bowls in the sinks so unloaded it and loaded it before bed. I also knew there would be a busy morning the next day so I didn't want those to sit there until the next afternoon as that was the soonest I would have been able to get to them when doing other higher priority things.  Sometimes - it does sit there as I just can't get to everything at times.  

As you will see in this account of a day - there was no BDSM and no sex.  We don't have sex everyday. We don't have kinky play everyday. You don't really even see the control in that account of a day - although there is control there. It is established control where I know what is expected of me and I do it. Meaning you don't see on that schedule every time I  go the bathroom throughout the day  - I have to ask permission. Or that I wait at mealtime until he gives me the go-ahead to eat. Or that I set his clothes out in a certain way because that is what he expects.  Or that I rinse the dishes off almost as though they were washed - before putting in the dishwasher as he prefers that. 

Our lives look very vanilla from the outside, but with the expectations he has, the control he has and my intention behind everything I do - my day is filled with M/s as the foundation. It is there while I unload the dishwasher at 1am.  It is there while I am having me-time - doing art because I know he is allowing it and he can stop it at any moment for me. I know it is there when I do all the household chores throughout the day.  It is just so a part of our lives that it very subtle to the outside viewer.

Submission is a Gift?

This is one of those debates that has happened from I am sure the dawn of the BDSM community.  So I am not sure many will be surprised as I have written about it before, but Submission is NOT a gift to me. 

I often feel we wrap things in neat little slogans and one liners to help people deal with us. Such as if we say to a vanilla person - "we only submit to those worthy of my gift" - that maybe it will make them not look at us like we aren't freaks. Or maybe we do it to not scare the new people entering the community....like "okay you need to understand your submission is a gift and you give it to only those d-type worthy."  I really don't think saying it is helping anyone. 

"Submission is a gift"  also seems that it is a very romanticized version of D/s. Just like with the new person...saying that "my d-type is worthy of my gift and he cherishes me and I kneel at his feet with adoration" is very nice idea for some. But you know what I get from bdsm isn't coming from kneeling or Master treating me like a precious gift.  I would prefer he knock me down and wipe his feet on me thank you very much - that is my idea of romance.  So submission as a gift doesn't really work for me.

Some reasons why I don't believe submission is a gift:

* As with most things - I start with a dictionary. I enjoy what actual definitions of words can do to perspective. So the word "gift" means: a thing given willingly to someone without payment, something acquired without compensation and a natural ability or talent. I don't expect payment or compensation from Master when I submit, but reality is I get things from submitting to Master. I feel more centered - more myself and more aligned with who I am when I submit so I am getting a compensation of submission.  So by that definition submission isn't a gift as I get something in return. Also I often think why I read that definition it means Master gets this gift and he does nothing, but receive it. As a gift means you aren't getting compensation so with nothing to do in return so he can just sit there and receive the gift, right? But again reality is that he isn't just sitting there receiving. He is controlling. He is my ultimate authority and obviously he does things that compel me to submit. He has done things to enslave me also. So again submission isn't a gift. 


* I have heard that submission is the best gift you can give a dominant.  But again my reality dictates that isn't the best gift. I don't think submitting is a gift - it is a quality you have and out of all the qualities that go into my M/s relationship - I am still not sure submitting is the top of the list. Surrender might be up there.  Obedience. Dedication. Determination and enthusiasm. How about the many varied skills I can offer in service to help enhance Master's life. Trust, honesty, openness and loyalty are pretty good qualities to have also.  I have much more than submission to offer to a relationship. 


* In terms of slavery -- gift implies choice to me and I don't have a choice. I submit because I am owned. 


* I think calling it the gift of submission makes it seem more important than what the dominant does in the relationship. And of course that isn't true. A relationship takes all parties being involved in it to make it work. 


* Flowers are a gift. Chocolates are a gift. There are many wonderful gifts out there. Giving flowers and chocolates means seeing the person smile and feeling good about it. It is a pretty package. Submission isn't always fun or pretty. It isn't always something I enjoy. It is something that is a part of my relationship and overall fulfills me, but sometimes it isn't fun or pretty. 


* Again a gift to me implies giving something that is in a pretty package and I struggle. I don't always do it willingly or freely - I do it because it is my duty as his slave. I am human and I struggle with submission at times so not much of a gift when giving it with that associated with it.  

* If submission is a gift and you have limits and want to negotiate than is that a gift with strings?  So really doesn't fit the definition of gift.  Also when a gift is given, the receiver of said gift owns the gift then and can do what they want with it.  Because giving a gift means giving ownership of that to another person completely. My Aunt gave me an sweater that doesn't fit and I gave it to goodwill. It was my right as she gave me that gift - I now own it and can do with it what I like. I can appreciate that she gave me a gift and like it that she was kind and thoughtful without "cherishing the sweater."  So to me giving a gift of submission can imply that the person you are giving it to now owns it and really not everyone wants to be in an O/p type relationship.


* I have also heard the gift is really trust and love so that you can submit to the "one."  Many many years ago I had a friend that was owned and lived several hours away from me. I didn't really know her Owner well, but just the bits and pieces I had heard about him through her and various other people in their local community. And although she was always talking very respectfully of him - I wasn't impressed with what I heard of him. In order to visit her though, he asked me to be in service to his house while staying with him. He wanted me to submit to him while staying in house and visiting her. Well I didn't know him that well - so trust had not been built. I didn't love him. In fact I was feeling a little annoyed towards him, but I wanted to see my friend so I told him I would submit. And I did.  So my point is you don't always need trust and love to submit. I did find that time of submitting to him very fulfilling for me, but I didn't need trust or love or tell him my submission was a gift.  I felt compelled to submit and did. 

* I enjoy submitting and why can't we just admit that and use common sense in who we submit too. I guess I just feel sometimes that phrase submission is a gift allows the person using as a way to get out of personal responsibility  So they can blame the dominant for things not going right....."well he didn't cherish my gift" or "he didn't deserve my gift." Instead of saying "hey I fucked up and didn't really think about if I was compatible with this person."  It just seems like a way to get out of taking responsibility for our own lives. We are submissive doesn't mean we can't make rational decisions and be clear on what we want and need in a relationship.  

I don't need submission to be a gift. I need to be clear in who I am and find the person that matches those qualities.  And I am lucky to say I did in Master. 

Slave Inferior?

I am Master's slave and property. This means we don't have an equal relationship. It means we aren't peers. We are Master and slave - Owner and property.  It does mean I am subordinate to him - in a lower rank in our hierarchical relationship.  

Does that mean I am inferior?  I can answer this logically and say no but sometimes emotionally things get skewed for me where I am not sure I could answer that no. I believe Master is smarter and stronger than I.  It doesn't mean I can't be strong. It doesn't mean I don't have knowledge that he has found useful because I am a capable adult woman with a variety of skills that he loves to utilize.  

I will say Master does utilize humiliation and degradation as a way to make me feel inferior.  Not as way to show me my place. But more as it just rocks our socks off.  It is a fetish and it turns us on so we stomp around in those areas.  I love what it does to my head and body.  I am not really enjoying it while it is going on - mentally and emotionally - I fight against it. But physically while it goes on - I am SOAKING wet. I am so turned on - my skin is one big raw nerve.  After it is done and we are basking in the glow of having an amazing fuck fest then that glow spreads to mentally and emotionally. I love that I walk over those coals with him and just end up accepting it.  Often for days to weeks after, I will replay it over and over and over just to get off again. 

Really many things that happen in our relationship, I believe many would think Master treats me as inferior. Maybe he does, but it is my normal view of our relationship so maybe I am just skewed in what is inferior. I like our relationship and how it works and flows that really is all that matters. 

Downton Abbey

I have been drinking more tea this winter. Last winter, I might have had a cup or two a week. Now I have one almost everyday.  Even having a second cup sometimes. 

Either it is just because it has been so cold this winter or maybe watching so much of Downton Abbey is inspiring me to drink more tea.

It took about 3 episodes of the first season before getting Master hooked on Downton Abbey. We watched season 1 on Netflix and season 2 on Hulu.  Right now 3 is being shown on PBS.org until March 3rd. But luckily for me, Master bought me Downton Abbey UK edition Season 3 on DVD so we had a season 3 marathon recently. I was thrilled to see moments I had been waiting for since season 1. But I was also shocked by some things and think Mr. Julian Fellowes writer/creator of Downton Abbey has a little Joss Whedon in him. Joss fans might understand when they watch all of season 3. 

Now I am waiting for season 4! And rewatching all seasons OVER and OVER. 
I love the opening credits where they measure the place settings. I remember seeing the first episode - and even now when I watch it I get this feeling of flutter in my stomach from the service. I love the attention to details and dynamics between the servants and their Master/employer. 

There is this little piece when Matthew in season 1 expresses to Robert that he doesn't need a valet. It is just a little moment where he goes on about how unfair that would be to Mosely, but then ends it with - "We all have parts to play Matthew and we must all be allowed to play them." I like that line.  We do all have parts to play in life. Finding that path to do what you desire can sometimes be hard. But the outcome is worth and luckily I have found my part to play it fits nicely with what Master desires. 

Just for fun.... Sesame Street does Downton Abbey

30 Days - Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

The appeal of kink/BDSM is that it is just a part of me. I can look back in all my intimate relationships that I really enjoyed and felt good in - and they all had some kind of power dynamic going on or kinky aspects to them.  I am drawn to a certain kind of man that naturally seems to be draw out my submissive/service side. 

I enjoy service based relationships because I like pleasing - I am not a people pleaser now as much as I was when I was younger.   But I still enjoy pleasing Master and knowing I am enhancing his life by serving him.  He doesn't have to worry about clothes being wash or ironed, he doesn't have to worry about cleaning his toilet, he doesn't have to worry about many daily things so he can focus on other things that matter to him such as his business. 

I am not sure why I am drawn too it - I kind of stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago. I just am and it fulfills me so that is all that matters.  

previous answered questions

What If I got Pregnant?

When I was married, we were "suppose" to have kids.  That is what it felt like. But really I felt I wouldn't be a good mother. I have too many issues to take care of a child's well being.  I didn't want to damage him/her.  My husband although he was fantastic with kids...the idea of being a father scared him. But he felt we were "suppose" to have kids too.  I was married to him for 7 years and we didn't get pregnant and didn't use birth control.  When my ex-husband and I were trying to get pregnant and not having much luck - I went to the doctor after several examinations and tests she felt that I would have difficulties conceiving.

Since my ex-husband, I have had unprotected sex with long-term partners and didn't get pregnant.  Which I admit is risky.  But it is highly unlikely that I will get pregnant. Yes of course there is a very slim chance but again highly unlikely.

There of course have been times in my life, I wished for kids. But over all - mostly I don't feel they fit into my life as I just wouldn't be a good mother with the issues I already deal with daily in my life.  I wouldn't ever want to subject a child to that.

Master doesn't want kids either. He likes his life as it is and kids would disrupt that.  He likes having freedoms that he wouldn't have with kids.  He made a choice to not get involved with women who have kids or want kids because he doesn't.  It works that we are both compatible in not wanting kids.

But....let me pose this...what if....I got pregnant or teacup got pregnant?  Teacup and I are over 40 so likelihood of it is low.  The answer...Master has said that we would discuss it. He isn't going to do a blanket - get an abortion even though he doesn't want kids. We have discussed the what-ifs and he and I have similar views of what would happen, but we also believe once something is a reality - feelings and thoughts about it can change.  So discussion about - getting to the heart of it for us would happen if it were to ever happen.  I know that this issue teacup and I would have very different views of outcome and that is okay because we are 2 very different people.  But again Master would in this situation order us - this would be a family discussion and decision.

Just to note I do believe Master has the right to tell me what to do in this situation.  If he wanted me to have an abortion, have the baby and raise or give up for adoption, he could tell me what to do and I would obey.  He just happens to believe this is an area where there needs to be a lot of discussion and input to find the solution that works long term for everyone.

Orgasm Denial

Orgasm denial or just controlling orgasms is one of those things I don't feel works very well for the majority of women. Oddly I feel from things I have read, it seems to work better for males than females, but that might be a myth or not accurate.

Every dominant I have ever been with has probably tried some orgasm denial or controlling orgasms with me at some point, but I am one of those women where the end result isn't usually what the dominant is wanting.  It is more of a use it or lose it kind of thing for me. So denying orgasms for me, just turns off my sexuality.  Controlling when I masturbate or am given pleasure where I am told I can't have those things - again usually just turns me off sexually.

I can think of one time orgasm denial worked with me and that is with my ex-husband. He had sex with me and touched me, but wouldn't let me orgasm or touch myself. He really kept my sexual hunger right there on the edge because he was being sexual with me every day - often multiple times a day -  just not letting me orgasm. It was about 5 days and then he let me orgasm. He was working up to a special occasion by making me wait for it - I think it was the anniversary of our first date. It did create a hunger in me that when I did orgasm it was very intense. But again he kept me sexually on edge.

In my history, when I have had dominant do orgasm denial it is more along the lines of - being told I can't orgasm for a set amount of days/weeks. There isn't usually a lot of sexual interaction so that sexual need isn't there. It fades and just makes it very hard for me to orgasm then when that stretch is done. It doesn't create anticipation, build my sexual frustration or make me crave sex or his cock more - it makes it fade.

The same thing happens when I am told I can only orgasm when I ask or am told.  For me....it was hard because I am sexually submissive and if my dominant tells me to masturbate one night and then doesn't the next - well in my mind he doesn't want me too and I want to please so I don't ask to masturbate unless really I feel like it is going to fade soon if I don't. But even then if it is last moment for me - it is harder for me and not as pleasurable. So...again...if I am not masturbating or having sexual interaction with someone then it will fade.

For me, being told I can't orgasm or having a set amount of time where I can't orgasm or have sexual pleasure, will make my sexual appetite shut down and then make it harder to achieve orgasm, to get wet or turned on.

Controlling a submissive's orgasms or sexual pleasure, it often seems like being told no is the idea of control. But being allowed is a form of control too. As a dominant you are allowed to say yes or no. I am allowed to orgasm during sex when I can.  I am allowed to masturbate whenever I want. Even if it isn't Master's hand, implements he wields, or his voice creating the orgasm, he is the one that allows me sexual pleasure and energy.  If Master didn't want me too, he could say no, but he said yes. He had the right to tell me yes or no.  I just couldn't decide on my own - he decided because he has control of me.

Ultimately Master has found that he feeds off my sexual energy. To keep me sexual - helps his sexual energy. So allowing me to have sexual pleasure - gives him the end results he desires. And I am very very thankful he  wants me to be sexual.

Manipulation or Just Knowing Master

Recently Master was needing to take a trip out of town.  He told me he didn't think I would be coming because my sciatica is acting up so badly that he didn't want to cause me further pain - he hadn't made up his mind yet but was leaning toward me not coming.

Master has been under a tremendous amount of stress and when I travel with him - it helps his stress levels go down.  I am able to be there riding with him so his mind doesn't get stuck on work and other worries - and we can talk about all sorts of things and get him to relax a little.  I am there to set out clothes and make sure all his stuff is order when leaving for meetings. I am there for fun stuff such as sex too which also helps him relax. I have been going through depression due to chronic pain, so besides wanting to be there for him I didn't want to be alone. It just didn't sound all that good to me. So I really wanted to go with him.

I have been with Master for 9 1/2 years so I know what he wants and how he likes things.  I know how to best approach him when needing to ask for something, suggest something or propose different ideas then he has planned.  It can be a pair of shoes I want or that I feel I see a better way to handle something - all sorts of things I know how to approach him when sharing information.

On the way out of town with Master, yes I got to go, I said I know him and know how to approach him with things - so is that manipulation? Or is it just serving him in the way I know he likes best?  I know not to push certain buttons as he has taught me what those buttons are and how to come at certain subjects because of those buttons.  He has taught me his preferences in multitude of areas so I now know how to navigate now without even really thinking about it.

Example....Menus for dinner.  He really doesn't want me to come to him with a menu. He wants a list of things I can make and he can choose. When I make the grocery list, I say these are things I am thinking of making sometime this month, do you have something you are craving or want added or changed. Now he is fine that some of those things don't get made and others do - he likes choices so having a wide range of choices for the month is more important to him then having a locked in menu.  So I might say in the morning or tonight, we have chicken and hamburger available in the freezer, does one sound better to you then the other. Or I might say we have more chicken right now in the freezer, these are the things I can make with it.  I know him enough to know if I offer up a hamburger or chicken choice his first question is what do we have more of so if I know we have more of chicken I just cut straight to the chicken and then offer him a list of choices.  Is it manipulating him into chicken? Or is knowing what his first question will be to me so just cut to that answer?

For me is knowing him. If I wanted chicken, I just offered chicken when there was more hamburger then I feel I would be manipulating him into chicken because I wanted it.  But I can't do that - really it makes me feel all sorts of terrible to even think about it because damn right I have thought about it before. Because sometimes you know *I* want something and not offering him certain choices would be nice and just making what *I* want, but that isn't how this relationship works and it makes me feel guilty when I even think about things like that.

So when it came time for him to start deciding if I was going to go on the trip, I knew how to approach it.  I know Master enough to know he wants me with him so ultimately he would most likely move to that direction, but I still needed to not push, I needed to phrases things in a way that I know don't push buttons and I knew I needed to then sit back and let him make up his mind. I did that and I went with him.

It has taken a lot of years for me to navigate that - I have gotten caught in the trap of telling him what he should do - when actually he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. Starting a sentence like that is pretty much a death sentence to I was asking for. Being straight and truthful with my feelings and why I want to go is the better approach.  Showing I am able to go through my actions is also a good approach.

As I said above I am going through a depression and when I can't move things fall behind. Well it got to a point where I had it. The house was driving me crazy so I was doing bursts of cleaning and then having to be in bed for the rest of the day. But those bursts of cleaning helped Master make up his mind because he saw I was able to move more then I had in the past weeks. He understood I was paying for it, but he still felt movement helped in the case to go.

I also told him as I said above - straight and truthful my feelings - "I want to go because my depression is eating me up and I don't want to be alone.  I also don't want you to be alone as you have been under a great deal of stress. Dealing with my pain at the end of riding in the car is worth it to me to put up with - to be with you. Plus I will have a day of rest between and that will help me better deal with it."

I didn't nag on it. I just said it and let it drop.  I did the things I needed to around the house and then let him make up his mind.  In the end, he decided I could go. Manipulation? Well he doesn't think so that is all that matters. I am just thankful that I have learned how to approach him so that he did consider it. I am glad to have that time with him.  We always have a nice time on road trips.

Tug on my Leash

I don't need a tug on my leash to remind me who I am. I understand why some do and I know that early in my relationship with Master I probably felt I needed it, but mostly I just asked if things were okay when I was feeling off.


Just because I don't need the tug on the leash doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes feel nice when it happens.


A long time friend of mine, who is a dominant, wrote Master to let him know she and her slave are coming through town.  Master had been corresponding with her on it.  I was left out of it completely.  I really didn't even know anything about it.  When Master told me, it did give me that little tug that reminded me I am his property and well I don't need to be privy of all information. Master controls a lot of my life, but it has become such a part of my life that I sometimes don't notice it. This time I noticed.  It was just nice to feel it more overtly than usual.


Master's working on a big important project right now so when some details of my friends visit came up a few days ago, he told me he needed me to handle coordinating it. And again, I felt the tug ...a more overt tug that reminds me I am here to serve. Again - I serve him all the time but this was different so made me more aware of it.


So sometimes a tug on the leash feels nice when it happens in these small unexpected ways.

Serving When it is Hard

Rayne of Insatiable Desire did a good post that I could relate too in many ways.   

I really enjoyed a few lines in the post, but going to post this one: "it doesn't matter how I behave when things are going exactly how I think they should go. It matters how I behave when he’s sick, or tired, or too busy to be constantly in my face about my slavery, or just doesn't want to, or whatever. "  

 When I was first with Master, of course, we were still figuring out the relationship. I mean we were Master/slave but more just finding how or which ways he wanted to be served.  Learning his likes and dislikes. Him learning how to mold me into what he needed and so on. Basically training me to serve the way he desired. 

About half way through my first year with Master, his work exploded - he wasn't self-employed at the time.  It was really hard on me because I didn't get online much in those days (still dial up and needed to have phone free for when Master called), I was alone all day often 10 to 12 hours a day because his hours were so long.  I learned to serve him, but it was hard to serve because I didn't get much attention....no the better word is connection. Master and I couldn't connect on levels we needed to fuel the relationship in ways we desired. Our foundation was still in tact - but without connecting our relationship suffered.  I was still his slave and here to serve him no matter if we didn't get to talk all day (because he would come home so exhausted he just wanted quiet ), didn't touch, hug, kiss sometimes for days on end...let alone do SM or have sex.

It is a period we both look back and realize making it through that means we can make it through anything.  It made our relationship stronger.  

Yes, it was hard not to get things we both desired. We both wanted more sex and SM. We both wanted just to have time with each other. It could have been easy to complain and that isn't to say I didn't...I did but overall I just served the best I could in the situation. I wanted to enhance his life and make his life easier when the rest of his life was so out of control and so hard on him. So I kept serving.  

So serving during that time was hard but I know without a doubt - I enhanced his life by serving him even when it was difficult on both of us. 

Burnt Out

The other night I was chatting with teacup and she said she was reading the older parts of my archive from 2000 and 2001.  I told her that was my neurotic period and I’m not really joking.  It really was a very chaotic time in my life.

One of the on-going things on my “to-do” list is to go back into my journal and tag things so that they show up under the labels.  As I was tagging entries, I came across a time in my life when I was questioning if I could be a slave or if I was even submissive.  I constantly debated the issue all around my head.  At one point a good friend told me that I wasn't a slave.  At another point in my life I was interested in someone who told me that everyone around me knew I was submissive and didn't understand why I was even questioning it.

The thing is: I knew I was submissive.  The feelings I was having weren't because I was questioning if I was or wasn't a submissive.  It wasn't knowing or not knowing if I could be a slave.  In retrospect, I can see that my internal struggle was not a question of my identity, but a cause from burnout - being burnt out being a slave.  I served Kam for several years and right from the start it was heavy service oriented slavery. I got up early in the morning - I did things all day for him and his household.  It was a regular practice to be woken up in the middle of the night to do things such as go get pickles at 1am or bake brownies at 3am. (Another entry I did on serving at that point in my life after reading Diary of an Old Guard Slave by Vi Johnson.) I became tired. Very tired. After I was released I slept for days, but it was hard to stop serving. I had to reverse train myself to not jump and anticipate. I wrote about a little about the transition here.

So really I was questioning if I could submit and be a slave again because I wasn't sure how I could work past the burn out or if I even wanted too.

Many slaves will say they don't burn out. That is great if they don't, but then often I also tend hear in almost the same breath that those who do burn out aren't real slaves.  Another definition flame war erupts.  Who’s real, who isn’t.  Who’s more slave like, who isn’t.  (I really don’t want this to be another definition post.)

I disagree with those that say that if it was really in a person’s heart to serve, then they wouldn’t burn out.  I think real life demonstrates that you can have your heart in something and still experience burn out.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a passion for a hobby or the job you do.  Burnout is part of the human existence.

I serve Master 24 hours a day 7 days a week - face to face and it is hard work. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.  It doesn’t mean I lack the passion for it because it’s hard work, but one can achieve levels of burnout from over doing and giving it so much that it just wears one down. 

Do I wish I had an off switch?  I had a March Question asking if I ever wanted a day off - I think this falls in that same line. I don't want a day off from being a slave. But I do get tired and I do need down time.  I don't always take the best care of myself to know when and what I should do to create a restful situation.  I feel always as I am his slave so not like I want to or can turn that off but I do need to have down time so that I don't burn out.

Bottom line for me is that I do get burnt out and sometimes I don't always give myself the type of rest I need to help it from happening.  Or just doing things to help myself get my energy back.  It is a constant struggle for me and I still haven't learned how to not burn out from serving.  It is part of my life - not the most favorite but it happens. Over all life is good but doesn't mean it doesn't come with bumps in the road.