Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Music: Launch Radio - Adult Alternatives
Mood: All over the place - crying to fighting

I am crying….again. I have been doing that lots the last few days. He just left for the day we chatted some this morning.

I don’t know how to communicate what I need right now. It has taken me a long time to figure out it is okay to express what I need…even with Him. It is just how I express it with Him. But today was one of those days where if I have to express it - and He does do it - then that need being taken care of is less likely. I know that probably does not make sense. But it is like I need Him to look into me and see…it…see all those things that bubble out from the darkest corners of my soul. Those places that I get scared to look….I hear those corners whisper to me and I try to pretend they are not there…I don’t want to admit those things it is saying out loud and it is taunting and clawing its way up…saying let me out…into the light….make it real. Let me be validated by the light. Let me be validated by Him. Let me be validated by myself.

Last night I offered myself to Him for His pleasure. I offered even though mentally I was not sexually aroused (physically I was though). I offered, I felt, in the true intent of the suggestion. And part of me was happy about that. (Just a note: He can use me - obviously whenever He wants to but He likes when I offer.)

So, He told me what He wanted me to do. I burst into tears. It wasn’t something I have not done before - I have but usually when I am mentally turned on. I was upset, so we talked about what is going on. And I let out that right now…the last few days…I feel like I need to fight. That I have anger and sadness and fear all bubbling up and making me want to fight Him. I hate when that happens. And it has not happened in a while so I am even more upset because I have been doing so good at letting go and accepting.

I don’t understand why I feel like I need to fight. Is it just stress of leaving? Fear of being happy? Fear of the things that will happen there with Him?

I don’t have doubts we are right together so I should not fear the relationship with Him right? I know we are good together. So why would I fear what will happen there?

I have old stuff coming up - I know. And I know it is because this week was my anniversary of moving here. And so….duh I have fears coming up. I just keep trying to remind myself that He is not the same as my past. During times like this…the past wells up and tries to make the warmth and rightness of Master and I fade. But it does not. It just screws around with me emotionally and mentally. But when I calm to my center then I feel that rightness so strongly. It is overwhelming at times.

Okay…

After He found out that mentally I was not there, then He did not get pleasure from using me. Other nights it would not have mattered if I were mentally turned on or not. He uses me when He wants and when it brings Him pleasure and last night - not being mentally there - did not turn him on. So, He decided not to use me.

I went to bed - sad crying but woke up in the middle of the night being very aroused because of the dreams I am having…

Dreams of…
Being slapped, hit, punched, kicked….looking like a battered thing.
Having my clit burn - I have had this dreams before. It is like a piece of metal coiled tight. It is held over a flame for a while and then He presses it to my clit.
Having my cunt sewed up….needle and thread working its way in and out of my labia - being sewn up so nothing can come in
Being used and then locked up and away because He does not want to look at me
Lots of images of being hurt but also verbally humiliated too. Those places in me that does not like to say what I think of myself out loud…want to be touched again.

I need pain - emotionally and physically. I want what we had last Friday. It clicked so perfectly. It helped so much. It touched all those places and validated them and made me feel free so free finally.

But right now I feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on and it feels like I need to gain some focus and those things help me.

So - this morning - He was doing some surfing as we chatted. And I knew He was going to go masturbate before work. And so I pushed myself to offer myself even though after last night I was very scared to that. I was aroused mentally from my dreams as well as physically turned on too.

And so I did it and He said He was going to use me. He asked if I was mentally turned on…and I expressed yes that I was mentally turned on. And He gave me what He wanted me to do - and it was the *same* thing as last night. I should have expected it - but for some reason I was not. And being emotional girl that I am right now - I burst into tears.

It brought up the things that I was feeling last night - the fight - the anger - the sadness - the fear and…it was all up front again. And so mentally of course…what happened? I shut off. I told Him that and this time He did not care.

Even though I shut off mentally - those dark corners of my soul - were still bubbling and I could feel it. I felt the need for pain. And so I expressed that even though I did not want to - as I knew saying it out loud was going to take away from the benefits - like I explained at the beginning of this entry.

So now - I feel like I need pain - emotional and mental and I feel the need to fight - both are stronger. And the thing He is going to have me do won’t touch either of those to help. I know this is for His pleasure. I accept that - I really do. I want to please Him. But I just need help to calm things down and pain helps that. So I wish I could have that need met.

I know someone else that is close to me going through a similar thing. She is struggling and needing things and not getting them. Maybe it is the season?

Just to make it clear - it is not that He does not get it He does, but without me able to communicate fully how I am feeling and what I am thinking right now - He can’t really help me fully.

I can get some out…Fighting - Stress - Sadness - Anger - Fear. But my feelings are all over the place. My thoughts are racing - how do I pull them out to examine them? How do I identify all that I am feeling?

*sigh*

Going to go complete my order and then go on with packing and such.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You must stay focused on the routines of the day, although you’ll be sorely tempted to jump onto the next distracting vision that runs across your mind. You are itching to escape from what is right in front of your nose—not that you don’t like what you have. It’s just that the call of the wild is so enticing.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Even if it’s not apparent to those around you, it’s difficult to avoid what is now obvious to you. You’ll need to be careful, for there’s a very fine line between your very pragmatic perceptions and your overactive fantasies. You may be slipping back and forth between these two worlds without even realizing it.
I wish I had been watching this series....but I just don't have time right now.

There is a quiz on that site that is called Snob Status....

I scored 52%....it said: "You haven't quite cut that snub mustard. Being 52% snob doesn't mean you properly stuck up nor does it condemn you to burn in middle class hell. Unless you want to hang in snob limbo forever, brush up on your P's and Q's, buy yourself some fruit knives and start lying about your education quick."

Also has a section that says "You in 1905"

You are a Secretary!
- A Snapshot of your life as it might have been in 1905

Education
You're sent to the local day school until the age of thirteen and then you leave to start learning your trade.

Career Prospects
You join a firm and have an income until you have your first child when you stop working. You support the Liberals and will campaign for better conditions for the working poor, especially for women in sweated labour. You are one of the first women to become a local councilor in 1907.

Leisure Time
At weekends you go into town on the electric tram and spend hours browsing in the fancy new arcades and the department store or visiting tea-shops. You're keen to read the newspaper whenever you can in order to learn about improving women's rights.

Living Conditions
You escape from the flat in a mansion block you share with five other families to live in a pretty villa on the outskirts of the city. The villa has a parlour for special occasions and a small garden. You employ two servants who come by the day to help you with chores, including nursing the children, and you buy meat from the local butcher and groceries from the local shop.

Marital Relations
You marry at 19 and have three children, (one who dies as a baby).


Interesting huh?

Okay so now on to some of an update...

Saturday night was of course good and bad...all at once. It was good because I got to see so many good friends...bad because I am already missing them.

I saw so many wonderful people. There was a couple that came that surprised me - it was a GREAT surprise! Jim (not my ex-husband) and his partner (since I have not asked permission to use her name) came to say good-bye. I was thrilled I almost jumped up when I saw them walk in the door but the speaker had already started so I did not want to interrupt her.

Thank you to everyone who came! I appreciate it so much! :)

I started to get teary a few times but only really cried once....and that is when Moni got up at Carpe Diem and said a few words about me. She started to cry and so of course that made me cry!

Bill and Lisa are having a picnic for me on Sunday. That is really nice of them. They brought a cake to the party on Saturday night that said "Up Up and Away...We will miss You." See what great friends I have? They are incredible! I am going to miss them so much...all of them.

Yeah yeah I am crying....

So to go on to something else....this is from Life Perspectives: "A human being worthy of being served. And one that i find exhilarating to be with. Our sex is supernatural. When she causes me pain i break the bounds of this plane and find a deeper more primal place in myself. I make peace with the beast within, and it is controlled. I am attoned for forgotten sins. I am cleansed through the fire of Pain. I am blessed with the kiss of the whip. And i know my place."

Powerful words! Yummy words! Words that say yes that is it....that say I know how that feels! Thank you friend for letting me share them.

The talk on Saturday night was on Graceful Service. I don't think that is really an accurate title for the talk though. It was etiquette 101. And mostly vanilla etiquette to me. What I guess I would have liked to see more of is....it put to the D/s world. She did that but in more vague terms and not going over much of it at all. She is a very articulate, intelligent woman.

Skipping all over the place I know...

I have SO many clothes! And so many clothes that I don't wear and won't wear. I am downsizing my wardrobe again lol

I got my car in for a tune up, oil change and such to make sure it is ready for my trip. That place was really cheap! But I know they do good work; Bill has used them for a while and I trust him. He has been great always taking care of that stuff for me. Tonight Lisa made a scrumptious dinner. It is going to be odd not being here anymore.

Yeah yeah crying again...making up for Saturday night...

Talked to Nick last night it was a nice talk. We talked about meeting sometime.

Buffy was awesome again tonight. I will write more on that tomorrow...I like to think about the episode before talking about it.

Well I need to go to the bathroom so....going to stop this entry for now. I know did not talk about much...

I just have so much spinning in this brain it is hard to pull one thing out to talk about it.

Oh just a note I will not be posting in my journal all next week. Starting on the 5th (5th might be last day) until at least the 10th. I am going to Detroit to visit j before heading to meet Him in Cheyenne. If you really are curious to how I am doing write Him. I will be calling Him daily until I get to Him.

Okay now I am going...to the bathroom lol And not a dixie cup...Thank gawd! *winks at Jim about that one*

Monday, April 28, 2003

Do not underestimate your ability.

-Geshe Chekawa, "In Advice From a Spiritual Friend"


I will post a long entry tomorrow...but for now I am really tired tonight...I did lots of work.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

black



Your Sexual Energy is Black!


You are on the ultimate edge of sexual kinkiness.

So you're a bit of a perve, who cares?

Some may be turned off by a freaky chick, but many more love you for it.



Does anal sex turn you on? How about fisting, bdsm, and intense roleplay?

Just because these thoughts gives you the chills, it's no reason to hold back.

You're a naughty girl and should be proud of it.



You may meet your next lover, slave, or victim in an unusual place.

Local underground clubs provide a lot of good prospects...

As do kinky chat rooms and forums.



Ready to add some variety? Try turning it down a notch.

Go for candles without the wax. Pleasure without the pain.

You may not like it as well, but it will certainly be different.



When it comes to celebrities, Angelina Jolie and Bettie Page share your strong black sexual energy.



Go out and find people with red, gray, and blue sexual energies. They will be a strong match.



What Color is Your Sexual Energy?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva


pisces


Your Sex Sign is Pisces!


You're dreamy and romantic, with an active sexual imagination.

You'll fantasize about something before trying it, and you love role play.

Sex is an artistic expression, and you love to be the traditional victim in distress.



Pisces, you are dreamy, romantic, and old fashioned.

You are the sexual sign with the most active fantasy life.

You will go to any length to act out your favorite sexual fantasy...
And you are an expert role player.



You love to be seduced in the most tender ways -

And can seduce others according to their fantasies.

You adapt to lovers' moods and leave them breathless with intensity.



You are moody, and you can get wounded easily.

Your gentle spirit needs protection - and usually gets it.

Few can resit your capcity for love.



You are mostly attracted to artistic, moody types.

Your versitility makes you perfect for any lover who likes to act out sex fantasies.

You'll go along with almost anything, as long as you get to play the victim.



You are not physically energetic anywhere, except in bed.

You adore surrendering to the passion of the moment, with complete abandon.

You love being swept off your feet.




What's *Your* Sex Sign?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Ohh a note so I remember I want to talk about emotional masochism...

Last night on the phone Master HIT all those buttons just so right I can't believe He understands me so well...and gets it so much too. He is truly amazing....this girl is very fortunate to have an incredible Master. I love You Master!
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): If you’ve been doing some deep thinking about issues you don’t normally dwell upon, you probably aren’t yet finished. The next couple of weeks present a fantastic opportunity for you to dig into the vulnerable underbelly of reality. Whether it’s about a current relationship issue or your basic relationship dilemma, get to the bottom of it now while you have a chance.

My mind has been thinking about issues that just seemed to come up - things I don't normally dwell on.

Today...

I started my day off with tears....tears of the reality of being without my friends. It is going to be a hard night for me...a hard week coming up too....

Not sure what to write right now...

Thoughts in my head...

Depression - I look back at the months since living with Bill and Lisa...and realized I was in a depression and I guess I knew that but I didn't admit at the same time. I know it was hard on them having me there with all my ups and downs. I am very thankful for them though because without them I am not sure what would have happened. I sure my depression would have been even worse.

Micro-mangaged - Thoughts this morning on the way to Moni's were of Master micromanaging me. And although I love the thought it does scare me. I thought of how controlled my life is there and how many things I am going to not be on contact with as much. My life is going to change drastically but it is the life I want - it will bring me to that center I have always wanted. It is amazing how well He seems to get in my head and know me - protect, take care and love me.

Other things are going on my mind too but I wanted to just make a quick entry...want to go spend some time with Moni.

I will...I am sure...write more tomorrow.

Devoid of form and color,
Excelling the sense of realms,
Is this wondrous mind
Out-reaching words and phrases.

-Hundred Thousand Songs of Milarepa


Thursday, April 24, 2003

Well we are starting our countdown....

I wrote a good friend's Master to see if I could come visit them and if so...then I will leave Ohio May 5th and then stay there until the early morning of the 8th and then head out and probably stop in Omaha. I need to do a mapquest to see what would be a good place to stop. And then I would be in Cheyenne, WY to meet Master. We will spend the night there and then He will lead me home :) Fittiing don't You think?

*smiles*

This weekend is going to be busy for me. I am leaving here in about 10 minutes to head to Moni's. Tomorrow is busy and then Saturday I will hang out with Moni and Michael before Carpe Diem. It is going to be a hard weekend myself and my friends. So please send us thoughts and energy to get through this and the next few weeks please!

I have been stressing about so much and He tells me to stop. And I continue of course...and then...it works out...He always is right....it is a very good feeling to have someone so together and in control. I am very happy to be loved by Master...I get so overwhelmed with feelings....knowing He loves me and will protect and look after me not just because He is my Master but because He loves me.

I need to get going...before I start to cry...

I can't wait to be home...but will miss my friends! I love you all so much!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

His....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You’d rather just tell it as it is, but you can overdo what it is that you say. You may have said something that you didn’t really mean and now have to clean up the situation. The problem is that you probably really did mean it and you are annoyed that you now have to be more socially conscious than you’d like to be.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): If you are stressing over the imbalance between what you know to be true and what you are experiencing in your world, rest assured that you aren’t going nuts. Your head and your heart really have different needs now, and your head (logical perceptions) are sensing one reality while your heart (irrational feelings) has an entirely different set of needs. Don’t try to force resolution.
I scored
34¾%
on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!
Take the test here!


On bondage.com I am 24.8% pure. The above was a fairly lenghty but more sexual one then BDSM.
I just checked Master's journal and it says the Avalanche lost last night - good thing I wasn't there huh? I would have been beat. Or is that a bad thing? lol Well His girl knows He would not have been a happy camper so she would have been tortured! Okay and again this is bad? right? *grins* Okay so I am in a little bit of a masochistic mood today!
Music: Evanescence, Greenwheel, The Used, and Coldplay
Mood: feeling good!
Topic: life update, 24/7, The Secretary

I am going to be going to do some things…well try…still have back problems but I need to get laundry done…and I need to go through things really badly.

I am going to have a busy next few days again. I am going to be out of touch mostly. I will probably not have any journal entries until Saturday or Sunday.

Saturday is my last Carpe Diem meeting. I wrote a letter yesterday thanking the community for all they have given me over the past 5 years. This community is a really good community and where Master is there is no community, so I am going to have a lot of adjusting to do again.

Between Moni, Lisa and myself - we should go through a box of Kleenex. I bought a brand new box to bring with me on Saturday…I am not kidding!

The other day He wrote in His journal about having a locking gag on me while at work. How realistic that is…I am not sure yet. But I know I will be finding out *blushing* I know that the bondage I was in 20+ hours a day will be stepped up a few notches upon arriving back home. I know that they will be locked on me more and only let out to take a shower in the morning before He leaves for work and then locked right back on. So more like 23 ½ hours a day I will be in bondage. And they will now be locked on all day. Where before they were only locked on at night. It is a scary thought but also very comforting. I remember the feelings right when I got back….the reactions to not being locked up….to no being confined and restricted. It was BAD. I hate thinking about it.

He also wrote in journal about playing a pc game for 5 hours. I know there will be days that I am in reading a book while Master is on the computer playing a game. Or playing with his hmm play station (?) not sure which kind of things it is…but I do know it plays DVDs too. Anyway, I know there will be days when he is off doing his thing and He gives me time to relax - read, draw and what not. Does that mean I am not still in bondage? Probably highly unlikely that I will be free of bondage. Does that mean we are more relaxed? Yes, probably so. We are in a pretty high level of protocol all the time. And so yes sometimes we will need to relax it but that does not mean we turn it off. He is still my Master and in the middle of playing Command and Conquer - He could tell His slave to get down on her knees and give Him a blow job (this girl is wishing for that one a lot!) or get down on her knees and scrub the kitchen floor…while he relaxes.

Life might interfere with the BDSM but it never interferes with the power exchange…that is there constant…even when we are relaxed it is still there.

I guess that is where people don’t get what we do…they think D/s has to be turned off. Really our BDSM does not get turned off much either but I do suspect it will at times. But even when Master was sick I still was in bondage 20+ hours. He tortured me almost every night still. He still had His pet kneel before Him. We still had all the things He expects from me going on - I still had to ask permission to leave the room, I still had to ask permission to go to the restroom, I still had to had to sit on the floor, I still watched to make sure His drink was filled, I still made certain He was comfortable and had all He needed. We still were Master/slave.

We are real people…living a Master/slave relationship 24/7. We laugh and joke around. We have responsibilities to our daily life. We are serious and passionate. We are Master and slave. We love each other, but our love has grown from a foundation of Master and slave not boyfriend/girlfriend. And so that foundation of the power exchange will remain there.

Next topic - The Secretary…

The first time I saw it. I was not happy with it. I walked away going that is D/s….that is not what we do. I walked away going great people think we are all crazy. I walked away going it was kind of boring.

But the intention of the movie was look at the mental and emotional aspects behind Dominance and submission of two kinky people not a Master/slave couple.

And that it does a fairly good job of doing. It did not show that things done were cold, dark, and traumatic. It showed them in a favorable light…it turned them both on. It showed that they were titillated. It also showed that this enhanced/improved their lives. The Secretary started having a better handle on her issues.

She has a problem and in the movie I feel - when people are viewing it the first time will see her problem and say that is what made her get into BDSM. Even though the BDSM helped her problem. I just don’t think that is made clear. I wish they would have made her a normal everyday vanilla person - that discovers this and does have an improved life but I wish they had left out her problem.

I think they did a good job of depicting how D/s helped that problem, but still I feel it gives a message that people have problems and that is why they get in that lifestyle.

I have seen it on DVD a few times now and like it more and more. I see subtle nuances of their relationship that I did not see the first time. And unfortunately the mainstream public most likely won’t see it more then once so they probably will not catch that.

I do think they showed the strength in her because of the D/s. After he broke things off with her. She was sad but then moved on and dated and tried it with others. She did not go back to her old ways of handling problems either. So, again another aspect I found very positive.

I liked that he struggled with his Dominance and then sees after the desk scene that it is “okay” to do this…all the time. That there is nothing wrong with him or her.

I wish they would have developed how they got to some of the places in their D/s relationship more, but again for a first time attempt at this for mainstream it was really probably best to just let it go how it did.

The first time I saw the movie and then each time I have seen it since….

My favorite part is of her at the desk…showing her devotion….showing she will bend to him. I loved it showing everyone trying to convince her to move. And she knows…who she is and won’t move. She knows who he is to her and won’t move. *smiles*

The part that made me the most uncomfortable was him washing her and taking care of her. It made me tense up. It was too intimate for me I am sure.

Oh on thing I hated also is she topped from the bottom so damn much! And I don’t want people to think that D/s is about manipulation.

I have been writing and writing and writing this morning…but only going to post to here. I have 3 pages on poly coming though but I am not done and need to go get some things done today.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Music: a mix - tatu, linkin park, frou frou, puddle of mudd, lily frost, kate bush, cocteau twins and many more
Mood: back hurting so a little grumpy lol
Topics: hmm a few thing but namely being selfish

I have so much I should write about…

I hurt my back so I have not got to do many of the things I need to this week. I am being stressed about lots of things He tells me to stop obsessing about because I can’t change them.

I am not sure why He is able to do things to me that others were not able to get away with…respect? Love? Devotion? All of the above plus a few?

He yells at me. He lectures me. He scolds me and I feel about 6 years old getting in trouble. And what irritates me…it works. I get upset with Him in the moment for doing it…and then afterwards I feel so much better. I feel cleared. It is almost cathartic…where it slows everything down and clears out all that I don’t need. That the only thing is what He is telling me.

I got upset last night and said something that I needed to say in the moment as it what I felt, but even worded nicely it - it wasn’t good. And I know it upset Master in more then one way….to hear His slave say “that” to Him. And He scolded me. I was upset at something He did and I ended up apologizing. That happens often. More then I like to admit.

In my past, they (whoever it was) would have been apologizing to me. But I got upset with something He did and I apologized. Was He right? Yes, mostly He was right. I just am overwhelmed and at times I don’t hear things how He intends them.

He is wonderful, supportive and loving. He is firm and strong too. He is in Colorado and I am moving Him not Him moving to me…so there is just a lot more work on this end. And so I am getting very overwhelmed.

He handles me being overwhelmed well but He handles it differently then the men in my past. He gives me supportive words, but then it is over. Then He expects me to “buck up and be a big girl” and sometimes…I can’t. I just get to a point of having so much on my plate I can’t.

I know I am not making much sense. He is very supportive. He is good with me - kicking me in the ass when I need it. And He is compassionate when I need it too. We just have Mars/Venus issues. (Meaning men are from Mars, women are from Venus - so we speak different languages at times).

I think of the scolding on the phone last night and it keeps making me think of what I said to Him on the phone the a few weeks ago. But I can’t understand why that is popping up now…I wasn’t being selfish last night….was I?

Maybe a little.

A few weeks ago I uttered words to Him that I have never uttered to a Dominant before. “I am sorry I am selfish, Master”

I am selfish…

Not a newsflash I am sure, but a HUGE thing for me to admit out loud - to Him. I have admitted to friends, but I have never admitted to a Dominant - a Dominant that I am submitting to.

I said I was selfish. He did not agree or disagree in that moment, but He has told me I was being selfish before. But I did not want to hear it at all even if it was true.

I think back at my life…with other Dominants.

Especially my relationships with Dale and Kam. And I was selfish. I felt justified in being selfish. My needs were not being met. Did that make it right for me to be selfish? No, it did not. I should not have been selfish.

I can look back and see that if needs had been met I probably would not have been selfish, but what I seek, where I want to go and what I want to become…it is not right to be selfish at all.

But the main reason I get sulky, pitch a fit and become selfish is because of what *I* want is not being done. And…DUH…that should be a big duh in my head : )

Expectations….My “ideas” of how things “should” be….

I am not in control. And I don’t want to be…

I just get scared that maybe…and “what-if“…we aren’t on the same page…like what happened with a past Dominants.

I remember when I was one person’s slave….he would have me go to do things that I felt would harm me. And some of those things did. I became bitter and resentful for having to do these things that harmed me. Not to mention the fact that most of my needs were not being taken care of so resentments were building with that also. So, I would do whatever I was told to do but without obedience in my heart.

I would get mad because my expectations and ideas on how things should be were not being done. Now I am not saying that I don’t have expectations with Master. I do. But they are generalized expectations (such as He has responsibilities as my Master - such as making sure my needs are met - notice I said needs not wants). And specific expectations are something I am not allowed anymore. If I want something, I can express it, but it is totally up to Master wanting it if it will be done or not. Eventually I see my wants being His…totally and not a need to ask for what I want because I will want what He wants me too. I really like that thought even if it scares me.
Master is not anyone from my past. He will often say I am not (fill in the blank). (Hearing M in my head when he would say - so You and Tom, Dick, Harry, and -Next-) because He felt I just went from one to the next…and I did) I want to obey Him not only outwardly but inwardly. I want Him to be my focus. I want Him to be my center….I want to please Him. I want His pleasure be my pleasure.

I did not have the desire to please in some of my past relationships. I had a sense of duty - but I did not have the depth of desire that I do with Him. I desire to serve and please Him, but more importantly I need it. It has become a need to please Him. These months here have been…hard because I don’t have that need being met like I did when I was there. It is hard to serve and please Him from here. I am still serving Him and pleasing Him from here but not to the level I do when with Him 24/7.

I don’t like to displease. I did not want to displease any of my past Masters, but so often the case would be that I felt they were wrong and I was right. With Master though….even when I have felt He was wrong, I obeyed not only outwardly but I am learning also to inwardly accept it and have the obedience of the heart. Where I believe what He wants, thinks, and does is all that matters. Later, if I wish to discuss it - that is fine. But in that moment obedience is all that matters.

It is getting easier.

I am learning to accept. Accept - that He won’t be like the past - that it is okay to be this way again - that it is okay to bring walls down and expose myself to Him - that it is okay to be me.

In that acceptance, I have been finding strength. I find it gives me confidence, calmness and centers me…and I feel stronger in it.
His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): What do you value most in life? This is a big question, but it’s time for you Archers to get back to the basics. What do you really need? It’s going to be difficult to stay on track thinking about this, for Venus and Mars—the Lovers—are bringing major distractions into your life. Even if romance isn’t activated, your thoughts are drifting off into these realms. Allow yourself the diversion, but then bring yourself back to the basic questions.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your planet, Venus, moves into Aries today, the sign opposite yours. Your attractions are stretched as far as they can go. It’s difficult to decide what to do. Are you being selfish? Or are you being selfless? Can you find middle ground? Making up your mind can often be difficult for you Librans and now this indecisiveness can be felt in all aspects of your relationships. Reevaluate what’s most important to you and then make your decisions.

Tuesday This-n-That
1. Yummier: Chocolate ice cream or strawberry cheesecake? how about just cheescake :)
2. Better to watch on TV: Movies or sports? movies of course.....but ugghh that darn Master programming thing...I think of the things He has told me will happen while he watches sports. I was told I will get pleasure if the team He is going for...wins. And if it loses, I will get beat. So, hmm there is some appeal to watching sports now *grin* *blushing*
3. A better web browser: MSIE or Netscape (or tell us your own favorite!) MSIE
4. A better way to travel: Automobile or bus/train? automobile
5. Your preferred camera: Digital or film? film
6. A Cooler Vehicle: Motorcycle or sports car? sports car
7. More fun: Video games or board games? board games
8. Sexier: A perfect body or an intelligent mind? intelligent mind
9. A stinkier smell: Skunk or gasoline (petrol)? skunk
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: What is more important to you: making a ton of money and being at the top of your field, or finding your soulmate and living a comfortable but not wealthy life? Finding my soulmate....*happy sighs* I am a happy girl....I love Him very much.
Because He loves me…

Monday I had to deal with some flashbacks. Flashbacks with my Uncle. Not a fine time to be adding to my stress level…

I tried to meditate. I tried to journal. I tried to just go to sleep and ignore it. But none of the above worked.

I did not tell Master about the flashbacks. (Which was a mistake that won’t be happening again) I don’t like talking about them. I guess part of me feels if I don’t talk about them - they will go away, right? So, I just try to cope by accepting it is my life as much as it is…I get my 4am nightmares and it is just there.

But then things pop up that and create issues…that make it hard to ignore my past.

That will be changing. He does not find that acceptable. He does not find it acceptable that I have a nightmare every night at 4am. He does not find it acceptable that I am scared of thunderstorms. He does not find it acceptable that I have some issues with spankings. He does not find it acceptable that I don’t like to be touched…intimately. He does not find all the rest of the things that are issues due to my uncle acceptable and He feels when I am there with Him…it is now time to deal with them.

And why? Because He loves me. That was His reason. I have never had anyone tell me that before. They all found all those things unacceptable like He did but no told me it was because they loved me and did not want me going through the pain it causes me. They just wanted me to deal with it…to get over it.

But He wants me to deal with it because He loves me and sees what it is doing to me.

I cried. I cried so hard when He said that.

I am a very lucky girl to have someone so understanding, supportive and loving.

He loves me. And I love Him.

Monday, April 21, 2003

Music: Lords of Acid
Topic: Mini-Humiliation Scene

Since moving in with Bill and Lisa…Bill and I have joked around about my masturbational habits. Of course with Master they are controlled but before Him…I masturbated sometimes several times a day. Bill comes home from work about 2pm…so usually I would try to masturbate about 1 to 1:30pm so that I was done before he got home.

He always kids around with me that I needed to wait until he got home. Now…as sexual as I am…talking about sex makes me blush. And then masturbating in front of others makes me blush. Going down on someone no problem. But masturbating in front of them…no way…it is just not something I do. I have actually only masturbated in front of just a few people and we can probably count how many times on one hand. It is not something I do…it is a lot more intimate to me then even giving a blow job…because that is just sex. And me touching myself…is more intimate to me.

So, as much as Bill joked around about it…I never even ever thought of doing it because it is just not something I do….

Well Master changed that last night….

Bill and Lisa were sharing details of their afternoon and while they were having sexual fun…and after realizing that while they were having fun…I was too while on the phone with Him lol

So I mentioned that to them and Bill said that he thought he should ask Him if for payment of storing my stuff and having me live here….payment being I could masturbate in front of them. And so the game began lol

Lisa was typing basically for Bill to Master and Master and I were talking where I was begging him not to let that happen and trying to find every excuse under the sun. But most of them backfired on me lol

I was turned on. I was nervous. I was not processing lots of how I felt about it. I just reacted….by saying…”yes Master.”

At first Master told me to show them how wet I was getting by discussing this….masturbating in front of them. So, I had to stand pull my panties down and then stick my fingers in my cunt pull them out and show them. I did that and did one more thing that I knew Master would enjoy…I licked them clean.

But of course it could not end there….

Lately Master has been teasing me with the thought of making me masturbate in front of people at Thunder. And so, He thought that it would be better for me to masturbate here in front of people I know and trust. And I understand the logic but sex with me is a little tricky at times.

So, I was told to masturbate to the edge. Well, I was turned on so, the thing that saved me is that going to the edge was quick! And so I reached that edge kind of held it there…and then asked Lisa to ask Him if I could stop. He said yes and so I stopped. Bill and Lisa thanked Master for the entertainment and then went to bed. : ) Even though Bill really wants to see that…to completion sometime. I told Him maybe when Master and I come back to get my things…that Master will allow that.

As I told wench it was a humiliation scene.

One thing that was the best out of everything last night….that Master was happy about…I did not fight or struggle. I just said, “Yes Master.” And did it. That made Him proud and I am happy He was pleased with me.

And most probably think why would you struggle or fight that…it was simple. It was not simple…what masturbating means to me…is not the same as it means to most people. It is a very intimate private special act that I only have done for a few people. Giving a blowjob to Bill would have been easier then masturbating. I know I am strange…but if I went into my sexual past/history maybe it would make more sense.

Saturday, April 19, 2003

His....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): The Moon is in your sign all day today and tomorrow, bringing you an uplifting perspective, even if others see you as moody. The Moon represents our feelings, so it isn’t a surprise that your feelings will be stronger than usual. But, ultimately you’ll believe that you can do it. Whatever “it” is. And you can.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your vision is clouded, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing—as long as you watch for the pitfalls. The lack of clarity can force you to use your imagination to fill in the missing pieces. Try to expand this imaginative point of view. It can be part of your artistic _expression. The problems only enter if you mistake your vision for reality.

Friday, April 18, 2003

Yesterday on my way to Akron from Bill and Lisa's....a song came on the radio that just kind of pulled me in and I was....so in it. Not sure that makes sense. I was aware of my surroundings as I was driving but the song became....all around me too.

Anyway, I never heard it before...the group did not sound familiar. So....I did something I have never done, I emailed the DJ and she wrote me back with the answer! (Radio staion is Q104.1 in Cleveland.) Awesome huh? I thought it was! All I had was the lyric wake me up inside. And she found the band, the name of the song and cd name. I thought that was above and beyond the call of duty and I really appreciated it.

So here is the lyrics...I have to listen to move of their music! A new favorite coming on I feel...

EVANESCENCE ~ "Bring Me To Life"

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

ahhh good song...good lyrics! Go take a look at the rest of this groups lyrics! OMG all of them are really good....at least I think so....I think I need their CD.

I thought of Him when I heard it...and now that I read the lyrics I think of Him just as much. I knew what I wanted before I met Him. I just was so tired and so thinking I would not find the ONE. I was closing off...I was becoming so bitters. I was fooling myself. And now...He has brought me to life again....shown me that all my dreams are here...waiting for me.
Music: 80's music
Mood: in pain - not good pain
Topics: The Practice, Buffy, Life update, Verbal Humiliation

Well first I am going to talk about TV...not only Buffy but The Practice as well...

Monday I was watching The Practice with Moni and Michael. And I don’t watch the show regularly but I have seen it...but probably about 2 years ago...so I know the main characters and some of their views but not what is current with the show. So anyway...one of the story lines was about Eleanor (Camryn Manheim) had an appeal in to get a woman who was mentally ill taken off death row and have her stay of execution lifted.

The story line was that while she was that she killed 2 little boys but that she did not have a trail where her mental illness came to light. But while in prison it came out she has schizophrenia and she was then treated. The meds she was on helped her mental illness and according to the state made her “sane.“ Sane enough to execute. But when she was off the meds she was insane and so they could not execute her. So, she tried to live with voices in her head and being out of control so that she would not be killed. She could not do it. And as soon as she went back on the meds...she was up for execution again because she was sane. Ugghhh how logical is that?

Just because a person has cancer and is being “treated” for cancer does not mean they still don’t have cancer. Just because this character is mentally ill does not mean meds make her not mentally ill. The illness is still there - she was just being treated.

Anyway the whole storyline annoyed me lol

Next topic Buffy...

The title of the episode got my attention... Dirty Girls

I like that Faith is back. I liked the energy – sexual tension between her and Spike. I think they would make a great pair; I would love to be a voyeur on them. And just sit back and watch and well end up masturbating I am sure as it would be rough and hot! LOL But who would be on top? *grins*

Xander’s speech to the slayers in training was good and even better was Faith saying something like, “B, I never knew you were so cool.” And Buffy coming back with something like, “You always were a little behind.” They had a good tension going between them. Xander giving the speech to the girls and then getting hurt by The Preacher was very...to me...Joss typical.

I liked The Preacher... I mean obviously he is big and bad but he was a cool big and bad. I am sorry throwing this in there when he was calling the girls dirty and slut or whorish can’t remember the right words...He made me wet lol He was cute! :) And the power he had...yummy! lol Okay I am weird...lol

The only thing that I did not like about the episode is... that I am unsure where things are going. I can’t figure out what part The Preacher is playing.

Life update...

I hurt my back... I have been moving some boxes and whittling down more stuff...deciding what stuff comes with me right away and such. So in moving boxes I hurt my back.

I am at Moni’s this weekend. Yesterday, I was suppose to have lunch with an old friend, but because of a miscommunication she went to the wrong place. That is kind of her though lol Oh well, so I hope to at least catch up with her today by phone. I have had lots of old friends writing me now that they have heard I am moving. So, I have been doing dinners and lunches lots this past week and next week I am sure will even be busier.

Tonight is a party and I am glad to see some friends that I might not see before I leave. Carpe Diem this month lands on the Organ Grinder’s Ball so I know I am going to miss out on seeing some friends before I leave due to that being the same night. But I really want to see this Carpe Diem it is on Graceful Service. And that is something that had caught my eye...how to serve Master more graceful would be a plus to me. And I know it is something He would like also.

Last night was catching up with Moni and Katrina and that was really nice to have girl talk. We talked about some of the things He and I have been talking about recently again...poly and playing/sex with others. (Which I might write about a little later.)

I am really really coming home with the reality of not being around my friends and not being able to talk to girlie as much. I am going to miss them lots. The thoughts of not being able to talk to them. Not being able to see them and hang out and talk, do lunch (dinner) and shop and all the other girl stuff is really getting me down.

I love the thoughts He has for us and I want that life very badly...it is just going to be hard to not have girlfriends right there to talk with – laugh with – vent and cry with...:(

I mentioned a while back that I talked to Nick. I did...it was VERY good to talk to him. I really miss our talks so I was glad to catch up with him and hear about things going on in his life. He has had some new things happen and all positive. I asked him about meeting him. I would really like it if he came to Thunder in the Mountains but I know that might be pushing it for him. But it would be really fun to meet him and I think being at an event like that would be a lot of fun for him and good for him too. I hope to talk to him again before I leave. And I hope we remain friends after I am with Master.

Next topic...verbal humiliation...

One of the lists I am on was talking about verbal humiliation…

I love it and what I have found is that humiliation - verbal or physically helps bring me down a few notches and become more aware of my place become more humble and grateful for all that He does for me. It helps me in my service to Him.

They asked on the list if there are any words that were taboo and there used to be I am sure countless words that were taboo to me.

My ex-husband I had a weird relationship right after I moved to Ohio. I would come back to visit and I would stay with him.

One night I was going to go out with a male friend of mine and I came out and I was dressed in a short skirt, thigh highs, and a blouse with a plunging neckline - showing off my DD breasts. I came out slipped on my heels and my husband called me a slut. It was shortly after I moved to Ohio and had not had lots of “verbal humiliation” at this time. So, he called me a slut and I was hurt - my feelings were hurt and I burst into tears and went back to my room and called my friends up and cancelled. It really pisses me off that I let my ex have that kind of power. But I did reclaim it...

Several months after - on my next visit, I came out dressed in a short leather skirt that had a slit on the thigh, a shirt that laced up the front that showed off my skin and breasts, thigh highs and high heels. He said basically said a few things to me and ended up with saying, “You look like a slut.” I turned to him smiled and said, “damn right and damn proud to be one.” I picked up my bag and left to go to a KINK party : )

By that second visit I had figured out that being a slut is not a bad thing. Especially the kind of slut I am...a controlled slut. I love sex. I love to be sexual. I am not promiscuous though. I am slutty for the one I am with and I think He would agree with that point. :)

So back on topic verbal humiliation…some of my favorites words to be called by Him: whore, fuckflesh, dirty cunt, whorish cunt, fat cow, piss slut, bitch in heat, nothing....and of course the list I am sure could go on and on. *blushing*

Well I am going to post this and then finish up the 2nd part of all this journal entry on being selfish, acceptance, and strength. I hope to finish it this morning but you know me lol

Plus I just can’t sit in one place too long right now with my back hurting so badly. :(

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

From this site....Past Lives

Diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do not know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere around territory of modern Central India approximately on 1875.
Your profession was map maker, astrologer, astronomer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in that past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, waited till that life to be liberated. Sometimes environment considered you strange.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson, that your last past life brought to present:
Your main task -- to make the world more beautiful. Physical and spiritual deserts are just waiting for your touch. Keep smiling!
expert



You Are an EXPERT in Bed


You know precisely what you’re doing when the sheets are pulled down and the panties go right along with them.

You’re also super confident, and rightly so.

Because any man who may be fortunate enough to find himself between your legs is a happy man, indeed.

You’re the type of woman men brag about in locker rooms: knowledgeable, adorable, and lickable.

You’ve gotten to the point that you don’t even have to try so hard.

It all just comes naturally: the mouth, the hips, everything underneath.

One lovely little package.


Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Love consists in looking together in the same direction.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
And whatever people do, whether in the world or as a recluse, let them put their whole heart into it. Let them be committed and energetic, and if they have to struggle, let them do it without envy or hatred. Let them live not a life of self but a life of truth, and in that way bliss will enter their hearts.

-Majjhima Nikaya
Music: Kate Bush
Mood: kind of down...overwhemled...missing Him

"It is not uncommon for masters to pride themselves on the depth with which they know their slave girls; this depth is far greater in my opinion than that with which the average husband of Earth knows his wife; the slave girl is not simply someone with whom the man lives; she is very special to him; she is a treasured possession; he owns her; he wants to know profoundly and deeply, the background, history, the mind, the intelligence, the appetites, the nature and dispositions of his lovely article of property; this knowledge, of course, puts her more at his mercy; by making it possible for him to manipulate her feelings, exploit weaknesses, drop asides, etc., she in the helpless condition of slavery, it gives him greater power over her." pg 42-43 Tribesmen of GOR

Okay I know it is a GOR quote, but I read it and put it vanilla verses D/s. And I would have to say that my ex-husband did not know me well. I have been treated with more “care” by Him then I ever was treated by my ex-husband. Master does all of the above and I am very happy about that….: )

Lately also it seems He is in my head…deeply. Or…

Back tracking a little….

For the last few weeks I have been internalizing something…reading, researching and wrapping my mind around some concepts in my path to surrender. I did not verbalize them outloud or in any journal.

The other night on the phone He mentions something He is wanting to change. And it has been this very thing I had kind of looking at….and internalizing.

It scared me. It was like He had been in my head. But when I went to bed that night, I realized that…although…I feel He is in my head, I believe what is really true...is we are on the same path. We are walking it together. I don’t have to catch up to Him…He does not have to catch up to me. We are there together.

It is just right and clicks. We take the steps together and it is just there.

Am I making sense?

So anyway here had been this thing I was internalizing and now…it is here. We both want it. We both desire it. And it is being actualized.

I can’t tell you how good that feels….to be with someone who desires the same things I do out of a Master/slave relationship.

This thing He is having me do…is something that will strip me down more. And I don’t like it but yet I desire it. Of course that is me….I get turned on by the struggle…the fear…the being brought down. That moment of excitement, anticipation, fear, arousal and so much more…..it is a good struggle to me.

Since being at in Colorado…the things that are put in a search engines to find me….is pretty ummm interesting….

This is a SHORT list (short in comparison to the list that goes on and on and on)

hood latex bondage blindfolded
caged hogtied hooded raped
Piss soaked panties
Piss slut
bdsm submissive punishments
shock collar fetish
leather bondage hood pictures
danae's song
Krispy Kream
first enema
full bladder orgasm
torture clit
bdsm teasing and denial
Pinch nose blow job
submissive quotes BDSM
degradation girl bucket urine
owned humiliated masturbate
slave surrender objectification
scary dildo penetration
stocking and garter belt training
slap happy humiliation slut
when a submissive feels used
crazy anal fisting
toilet slave
cucumber penetration

Those are just a short list….

But I can’t believe the combinations that people put in the search engines and my journal comes up. It is kind of scary LOL Poor people...most of them think they are going to get good smut and then they come to an journal of a slave on the path to surrender. Yes of course there is masturbation fodder here occasionally *grins* I am slut what can I say? lol

More to come of course....I just decided to split it up a little bit lol

Monday, April 14, 2003

I do have a long entry started and hopefully this afternoon at Moni's I can finish it up and post it. But right now I am trying to get ready to go out to lunch with a friend. I think we both could use some girl talk. This week will be a busy week for me with girl talk :) Which is something I was kind of chatting with Him about last night...that I am trying not to think of leaving my friends...as I start to get really depressed and sad. They are such good friends. I know I say that all the time but really I have never encountered such good people before. I have found such accepting, supportive and understanding friends. I am really going to miss them all!

Okay I need to try to get my face put on....going to lunch with a makeup expert so you know the pressure :) She always looks great!

Sunday, April 13, 2003

okay uggghhh 5 pages lost......

And funny thing about it some of it was about patience! LOL *shakes head*

More to come....going to work on it again right now.....:(
At the heart of Buddhist meditation are concentration and inquiry. When you cultivate these two qualities in meditation, you develop your ability to be quiet and clear, to offer understanding and love. -Martine Bachelor, "Meditation for Life"

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong. - James Leo Herlihy

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Oh one more thing that is VERY VERY important....

I need to say Thank You to Him for being so generous to His girl last night....He gave me something I needed very much....to get through the next few days. I am very grateful to Him...for His compassion and passion towards His pet. Thank You Master! I love You very much! I am in love with You.....*smiles*
Just a quickie today....maybe a longer post tonight depending on how busy I get. I would like everyone to be spending me lots of positive energy this weekend. If all goes as planned this weekend....it will get me closer to being home with Him. Things to see coming from me in hopefully the next journal entry: being selfish, what is real for *me*, The Secretary, life updates...and such like that :) I am off to a busy day and then weekend ahead of me.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Music: Michelle Branch ~ Spirit Room
Mood: Turned-On

I know I probably have lots to write about - but at the moment not much is coming too me lol I think it is lack of sleep.

Oh….I remember something….

He never tells me what I can and can’t put in this journal. But I also know there are a few things I could write about that would please Him…

Okay stating this right now….my disclaimer….for me….I have not posted this yet because it will embarrass me to no end!

But I like humiliation right? Right? Right? lol

A few weeks ago we had been chatting on and off all day. He had been teasing me and turning me on. He knew my panties were soaking wet. And then told me that later He had plans for me. The day wore on and I could smell my arousal. He, also at a certain time, stopped letting me to the restroom. Then the time came where He told me to put down some plastic, a towel and then had me piss myself. It took some time but soon I felt the warm piss soak me. My panties and the towel under me were soaking from the piss. I sat for a moment making sure my panties were thoroughly soaked with my piss. Now they not only were wet with my arousal but now my piss. He then had me take my panties off and put them on my head making sure the crotch was at mouth level. It was degrading and humiliating and it turned me on. He then had me masturbate with my favorite vibrator and suck on the piss soaked crotch of my panties. I of course came very hard and squirted too. Good thing the towel was under me lol

The next day He had me go get the panties from my dirty clothesbasket and he had me stuff them in my mouth as He had me masturbate with my fingers. I came a few times.

It was then revealed to me that each time I cum while here….meant 1 night away from Him when I first get home. And He had been counting since the 21st of March. So, by that time with those included from that session…I was up to 7 nights. So my first 7 nights are going to be spent in the cage…not able to reach out and touch Him during the night : (

The only orgasms right now I can have, that don’t give me another night, is if I cum with pain.

He has been in a really sadistic mood lately too. Not that He is not normally though, but with me being here right now and Him at home in Colorado….I thought my days of torture would kind of be suspended until I got home. But - Oh No - He still finds ways to humiliate, degrade and torture me.

He had me do something I have never done before. He has me rub pepper…grounded black pepper on my clit. OMG the burn…it lasts a long time too! And not just washing it off stops it. I had to take a shower and still had a little bit of burning : ) I have used bengay, breath drops, and mouthwash similarly, but the pepper has seemed to last the longest of them.

The last two nights He has tortured me through pepper, mouthwash, clothespins, and anal plug. The pain is very intense with the pepper on Sunday and then the mouthwash last night that is hard for me to cum when using a vibrator. I am not sure I can explain….

It hurts so much that cumming is not the thing on my mind lol

I have been in situations where I do cum from the pain, but when doing this stuff to myself, even for His pleasure, it is hard for me to make myself cum. Last night I had to force the orgasms. I can cum on command, but they are not as intense orgasms. He did not care….He just wanted to torture me and make me cum from the pain. I have a fear that the only orgasms ever are going to be from pain. And yet at the same time that is a fear….it turns me on and makes me want to masturbate with the thought.

I wrote above about playing with myself with my fingers. I do not do that. It is something I have never liked. I had a hang up - I think from my past about it. And since being with Him….not sure why but there has been times where He makes me *need* and *want* to touch. I just feel like I am going to go crazy if I don’t. I feel the need to rub hard…claw at my cunt. And other times the need is to just touch….sliding my fingers up and down my wet smooth cunt. It is very erotic either way! And I don’t get why I am able to play with myself with my fingers. It still at times is a challenge. Last night He had me play with my fingers and I could not stay wet…and that has been common in the past…I would get that little trigger go off in my head and say this does not turn you on and then I would dry up. : ( And last night that happened, but I just took out my Vagisil Intimate Moisturizer. It feels like the same consistency as my wetness.

As soon as I got on the phone with Him though and heard His voice that was not needed LOL Last night He described scenes at Thunder and it was very mean and sadistic! But omg it turned me on. It is so frustrating that my body reacts to things I don’t want it too….but it has been that way forever.

How is it that I start a post with nothing to write about and now I am 2 pages into a word document at size 10-font….LOL

Yesterday I did something that I was hoping that He would not mind. I wanted to surprise Him, but was a little worried He might not like it or like that I did not ask. But it ended up being very good! I go to the Internal Enslavement site a lot. It shares a lot of my beliefs on slavery and enslavement. Anyway, a long time ago I noticed on another site of theirs they had a slave register. And so, I registered and then I filled out the ownership certificate and presented it to Him online….

He was touched….I left Him speechless for quite some time and if anyone knows my Master that is a hard feat *smiles* I am glad He was moved by it. It is something I have always wanted to do and never been able too. And I am very happy that it is with Master! I love Him very much and know that He owns me differently then I have ever been owned before. I strive for more...with Him...for Us.

This morning I meditated….

What I do when I meditate is I sit sometimes with new age/soundscape music or just in silence. This morning was in silence. And I sit and just stare at a space on the wall…blank space. I sit with hands usually palm down on my thighs....sitting on my bottom…and become very conscious of my breathing. My eyes close usually as I go “into” the breathing.

It is then like I step outside my body and open my head….

Okay I know this sounds weird…but in my minds eye I see myself stepping out of my body…and I open my head. I pick up something look at it and either throw it away or put it back saying save for later and then eventually something comes out…that is BIG….and it takes my focus. Questions, thoughts, feelings associated with it come out too but calmly - and focused. Sometimes more then one thing comes out, but there is still usually one that takes more of the meditation time.

When I first started meditating, I just concentrated on my breathing and it would slow everything down and I would just do that for a while. When I stopped, I would feel calmer. I am not sure when the part started happening, but it did. And I have found it to be very useful in my life when I feel very overwhelmed with things.

It does not always happen like that…where one thing is focused on. But most of the time lately it is that way.

So this morning while I meditated…work things came up, then Daddy/little girl things came up too. And one other thing and I can’t remember it…which surprises me, but a lot of time what happens - it might be something I am trying to deal with and I get it worked out through my meditation and then let it go. And forget about it.

I have had something coming up in dreams and meditation a lot lately….that I don’t think is going to go away for a little bit….it feels unresolved. I chatted with Him about it yesterday. And He said we will discuss it.

Next….

I went to the Rodin exhibit with Moni on Sunday it was very good.

I have never seen so many of His all in one place. I have seen exhibits from different foundations that have a few of his works but never just a collection of strictly his sculptures. Some of my favorites….

The Benedictions - It is one that I came to years ago *blushing* It is of 2 angles together…..that almost become one to me.

Danaid - I have a print of the daughters of King Danaos. The King had his fifty daughters marry 50 sons of his brother and then kill the bridegrooms. One of the 50 did not. But they were condemned to the underworld pouring water forever. The print I have is of 3 of the sister at a welling getting water in big jugs. This Daniad….is….down crying….as her broken jug…streaming with water.

Metamorphoses of Ovid - This is the only picture I could find, but I am sure there has to be another out there somewhere.

Fugitive Love - love slipping away.

The Call to Arms - It was commissioned for a monument but rejected, as it did not show things “pretty.”

I know there are a few more I am forgetting right now. Hmm…

Well, I left this to go make dinner…and came back to Him online….and the teasing has started again. He started before dinner. He has me go the bathroom…but piss on myself again. And so then I had to gag myself with my panties again and masturbate. He allowed me orgasm with pain again also. And now I sit here with a big dildo shoved up my cunt. I was allowed to have 3 orgasms with mouthwash smeared on my cunt.

He has been very sadistic and sexual with me lately. And I am not complaining, I am a very sexual person. This week…sexually my energy is running fast and I wish I was there and He was fucking me hard. Ohhh mmmmm *blushing*

I am ending this blog kind of suddenly…

But having a serious conversation with Him….

I guess the blog is good…started with sex…ended with sex….and meditation and Rodin in the middle…what more does a girl need? *grin*

*frown* To be at home with Him.

There is an image on the www.good-n-kinky.com site that says…”Let the beauty we love be what we do.” Nice huh? :)

Monday, April 07, 2003

Enlightenment is a way of saying that all things are seen in their intrinsic empty nature, their Suchness, their ungraspable wonder. Names or words are merely incidental, but that state which sees no division, no duality, is enlightenment.

-Prajnaparamita
You are an ESFP!

As an ESFP, you are Extraverted, Sensing, Feeling , Perceiving.
This makes your primary focus on Extraverted Sensing with Introverted Feeling.

This is defined as a SP personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Artisans (Sensation Seeking) type, and more specifically the Performers.

You are fun, and like to make others have fun, and this will make you have a well-liked weblog. You like learning in a hands-on way, and so you may have someone else do the behind the scenes things of your blog, and just be happy making shorter posts about the people you love. Theory is not your strong point, and so long analysis wouldn't fit in with the normal posting style.
Monday Mission

1. Would you rather impress or influence others? Why? Which do you tend to do more than the other?

Well, I think to impress upon...and I would rather impress upon someone then influence. I think I do both but not more of one then the other.

2. Are you able to admit your weaknesses to others? How do you handle your weaknesses (Can you accept them and see them as a strength? (Do you strive to overcome them? etc.)

Yes, I can admit my weaknesses to others. And how I handle them depends on which one it is...sometimes I have turned them around into strengths. Other times I just work on overcoming them.

3. How do you react when you are bossed around, treated as inferior or taken advantage of?

Well it would depend on who it is...when He does that it turns me on *blushing* But if others do it...most likely I get annoyed, pissed off, or upset in general.

4. Do you live your life to meet your own needs, or do you live to meet the needs of others? Why?

For a very long time I lived my life for others, but then I learned to live my life for myself and seek out my dream. Now, I am trying to live by pleasing and serving Him. My needs are now taken care of by Him. He decides what they are and how they will be fulfilled.

5. This is your Mission on Mondays, but what is your mission in life?

My mission now is to please, serve, accept and surrender to Him.

6. Can you focus on your goals and achieve them, or are you sidetracked by minor distractions along the way?

Hmmm some of both :)

7. When was the last time you cried? What were you feeling at that moment (anger, sadness, etc.)?

Last time I cried this morning on the phone with Him. At that moment I felt relief...reassurance...protected....understanding and love.

BONUS: Who can it be knocking at my door?

I hope it is acceptance and surrender :)

Today's Comment Question: How much is a gallon of gasoline where you live? (leave your state & city for reference)

$1.46 NE Ohio
I am 13% Evil Genius

I thwart evil. I am definitely the “Good guy” type. Evil runs from my aurora of all things good and right. Look out James Bond.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com
mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): The complexity of communication becomes apparent to you as you try to discern which parts of your plans to share with others and which parts to keep to yourself. Unexpressed anger can turn into resentment. You’re going to have to find a way to get it out into the open without hurting someone you love.

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): If you run into a conflict with a loved one today, understand that you are 100% responsible for setting up the circumstances now unfolding in your life. Of course, the other person is also 100% responsible. In this little paradox we have the crux of relationship issues. Both of you must take full responsibility for the situation. You cannot change someone else. Change happens from within. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about keeping communication channels open.
You're Betty Boop!
Bettie Boop


Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla
Just a quickie....

He and I played on the phone....I crashed afterwards and still am crashing, I think. It was high and then....boom I knew I was here and I could not reach out and touch Him. So, I crashed hard. And started sobbing on the phone with Him.

I feel like I have a month and 7 days of tears stuffed inside of me. They are ready to come out...and only a little of them came out tonight.

My mind is spinning right now and I am going to try to go meditate and get some sleep.

I will write about this more tomorrow, but I talked with Nick on the phone tonight. It was good to hear from him! Thank You for calling, Nick! :)

Sunday, April 06, 2003

You see the world in Red
Red:
Aren't you the romantic? Life is poetic. If you
don't already, write poetry, you're good at it.


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Saturday, April 05, 2003

Thurday night I did an Oslo Zen tarot reading….for myself…for where I was going on my path of hmm enlightenment.

But first a quick update of life....

Thursday morning I chatted with Him. It was a good conversation with Him telling me He is proud of me not once but actually a few times. I am not sure if I can explain what it means - what it feels like - when He says those words to me. I get so overwhelmed with feelings....because it means so very much to me that He is proud of me. I then headed to Moni's. Friday night was a "surprise" party for Bill. It is his birthday this next Friday. Moni made dinner for Bill and an intimate group of us...and then we headed over to the dungeon and met up with more friends for the "surprise" party. (side note: keep putting surprise in quotes as it was not really a surprise even though it was suppose to be.) So, hung out with good friends celebrating Bill's birthday. Saturday did some running around with Moni and Michael and then went to dinner and then a movie with Moni. We went to see Phone Booth. It was Speed but without the bus and insert a phone. *rolls eyes* It was not horrible just done before ya know? Tomorrow we might go see the Rodin exhibt. This week I hope to have a busy and fruitful week. Really have gotten into high gear last week and now the upcoming weeks also to be going home to Him. We have had some changes in our plans. And I am going to be leaving things stored at Bill and Lisa's and then...drive to Colorado at the end of the month. Then He and I will come back and get my stuff later....in August most likely.

Okay on to the reading....It turned out to be a very good reading.

The spread is called a Flying Bird.

1) Here and now – the “life-off” card of the path: Awareness
2) Resistance card – the “fear of flying” card: Healing
3) Response-ability to the fear: Courage
4) Inner support (intuition) of responsibility: Going with the flow
5) External support: The Master
6) Relaxation and acceptance: Past Lives
7) Arrival at the new level of awareness: Integration

I am including some or all of the commentary from the cards.....and then my thoughts on them.....

The awareness card says: “You do not need to struggle to make something happen. Let yourself settle into a place…deep inside you are just a witness, eternally silent, aware, unchanged. A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help you become detached, and a new awareness will lift a veil from your eyes”

I believe that card is almost telling me all that I need is inside me. I don’t need to search outside myself. I have the awareness here. And just kind of sit here and the veil will lift.

Not sure if He will agree with that card. wench and I discussed something similar on Thursday. She said I am focusing on the struggles too much…and I will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I understand her point.

The Healing card says: “It is time when the deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface, ready and available to be healed. The figure in this card is naked, vulnerable, open to the loving touch of existence. The aura around his body is full of light and the quality of relaxation, caring and love that surrounds him is dissolving his struggle and suffering. When we are under the healing influences of the King of Water we are not longer hiding from ourselves or others. In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed, and help others also to be healthy and whole.”

I believe I have feared exposing myself – in working on some things I need to - I knew I would be vulnerable and naked and scared that the person I was with would not be able to handle it. He can though. I do have lots of support not only from Him but all my friends. My friends have been the best I could ever have….they don’t judge me. I have always said I am the freak among the freaks…how I want to live the lifestyle is much different the most of the people I come across here. But my friends have always been supportive, accepting and loving! I have always known I could not face the fears I have right now without help from the ONE that “owned” me. Why? Mostly just because I knew it would be something I needed help with - from someone that I was intimately involved with….who knew the person I was...and trusted in that there was more depth then even He could imagine. I know Master sees that.

The Courage card says: “This card show a small wildflower that has met the challenge of the rocks…emerging into the light through the rocks…..We are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow. The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there and if the see is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.”

I think that card is pretty self explanatory. I am met with the challenges of life right now and there is no way to go through but just to do it and be courageous. I know that when I get through this I will be the flower I was meant to be....an owned flower *smiles*

The Going with the flow card says: “Every moment in life we have a choice whether to enter life’s waters and float, or to try to swim upstream. When this card appears in a reading it is an indication that you are able to float right now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go. Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation grow more and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.”

All that internal work I am doing is working towards trusting…and relaxing more that this is it….that the big picture is coming just relax, trust and I will get there. Not saying it is not work I think it is, but I also think right now being this far from Him is hard to do all the work that is needed so it is telling me to trust and relax and just go with the flow right now.

LOL the next card when I flipped it was like DUH : )

This card after reading it…it is almost like that silent knowing. He does not have to do anything just Him and I look to Him and submit to His truth, wisdom and authority. It talks of disciples not following, but to soak up his presence, but I do and will follow Him, but also I soak up His presence. :) So this still rang out Master as soon as I turned it out….it is what leapt from it….HIM.

The Master card says: “His very gesture and his every word reflect his enlightened state. He has no private goals, no desire that anything should be other then it is. His disciples gather around him not to follow him, but to soak up his presence and be inspired by his example. In his eyes they find their own truth reflected and his silence they fall more easily into silence of their own beings. The master welcomes disciples because has so much to share. Together they create an energy filed that supports each unique individual in finding his or her own light. If you can find such a Master, you are blessed. If you cannot keep on searching. Keep moving on.”

My Master’s state is just being Himself. And in doing so, I long and desire to serve and please Him. I find truth of who I am and who He is being reflected in His eyes. And I find enlightenment in the silence of being who we are when we are together. It is like an energy coming together to form something intense, passionate and incredible. I am blessed that Master found me.

The Past lives card says: “Revealed are many images, faces from another time. The point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives, and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behavior. The two rainbow lizards on either side in this card respresent the knowing and not-knowing. They are the guardians of the unconscious, making sure that we are prepared for a vision that might otherwise be shattering. A glimpse into the eternity of our existence is a gift, and understanding the function of karma in our lives is not something that can be grasped at will. This is a wake-up call: the events in your life are trying to show you a pattern ancient as the journey of your own soul.”

I believe this card means I need to understand karma and relax and accept it. I need to look to the past patterns and wake up and see how I need to change them now. I am not sure I believe in past lives but when I read this card to me it was speaking to my past not past lives. But there is a theory that a friend has about past lives. That we keep living coming back until we get it right. And part of me is to a point in my life where I wonder if that is true. Not sure.

The Integration card says: “The image of integration is union mystical, the fusion of opposites. This is a time of communication between the previously experienced dualities of life. Rather then night opposing day, dark suppressing light, they work together to create a unified whole, turning endlessly one into the other each containing in its deepest core the seed of the opposite. The eagle and the swan are both beings of flight and majesty. The edge is the embodiment of power and aloneness. The swan is the embodiment of space and purity, gently floating and diving upon and within the element of the emotions, entirely content and complete within her perfection and beauty. We are the union of the eagle and the swan: male and female, fire and water, life and death, the card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life, and a mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.”

WOW…to me that speaks volumes to me….to what is going on right now with me. And where I see myself. I see Him and i as two sides of the same coin…..yin yang…coming together to form a mystical union. I also relate it just back to myself as I am allowing my core to come to the light…the dark and the light becoming unified. I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be.

So that was the reading. I think it was pretty powerful....

My thought patterns have changed a lot this week.

Little things I would have struggled with I now am letting go of a lot easier....turning things around to see why I am fighting, pitching a fit, struggling..and so on. And then I find out why I am, ask myself in the relationship I have with Him is this something that I need or just want. And then my final step which I hope to have been the first someday....is I see what that thing is doing for Master...did it make Him happy? Did it give Him pleasure? The bottom line is He desired it and then i am happy with His pleasure. "The pleasure of His pleasure." I get pleasure from the things that make Him happy.

Example: I really really did not want Master to watch The Secretary without me....because I wanted to experience a certain scene in it with Him. On Wednesday, He watched it and told me on Thursday. He was telling me how He enjoyed it and such. I was disappointed, but the old patterns I would have done was pouted and wanted to get mad. But what I did was ask myself why. And even though I don't feel my wanting to watch it with Him was for selfish reasons...when I looked at the bottom line....He has gotten pleasure from watching it. He wanted to watch it without me for whatever reason....and I accepted it. And took pleasure in knowing He enjoyed Himself. :)

I hope all that makes sense. He is now online so I am going to publish this :)
Sexy Saturday

Have you done anything kinky? Or anything you consider kinky? LOL okay well my whole life is pretty damn kinky......so yes :)

Friday, April 04, 2003

His....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): It’s not that you’ve failed. Far from it. It’s just that you now need to take the Grand Plan and set it aside in order to get your immediate situation back in line. This is a time for you to create routines that work for you, especially with respect to your interactions with others. It all begins in your mind. Keep yourself on the straight and narrow path for a while and the Grand Plan will return with your goals closer than ever.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): If you resign yourself to the notion that you just need to do what you need to do, things can become more pleasant than you thought possible. You may not get what you want, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get it later on. Don’t let your personal disappointment detract from what’s available to you now.
To be attached to one's own happiness
is a barrier to the true and perfect path.
To cherish others is the source
of every admirable quality.

-Tsongkhapa, "The Splendor of an Autumn Moon"
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): If you can use artistic methods to open yourself up to the pain of the past, then you stand a good chance of being able to move beyond your feelings that have been holding you back. This is about self-imposed limitations that are, in some way, tied to your own fears of failure. Feel your courage. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the determination to move forward, even when you are afraid.

Thursday, April 03, 2003

I dreamt of Don the last few nights - surprise - surprise - yes here the sarcasm in my voice lol

These are the thoughts that came from this mornings meditation....

Why do I feel the need to embrace this lifestyle so much? I put so much passion and totality into it.

I tasted it….that is why….it wrapped around me….spinning me….and stopped….to show me what consumed me…..surrender.

The taste of surrender is what I have craved for 17 years.

I could have surrendered with Todd, but he did not want it. The pain I had from that relationship…I still have scars…wounds from it. I healed a lot of it last May. But some of my fight and struggle come from the fact I don’t want to be rejected.

I have always talked about wanting it taken from me. And one reason….when I peel back the layers is….I get scared...

I don’t want to be rejected again. I don't want to hurt...I don't want the person I am with to not accept what they see when those layers are pulled back....

I am very scared about that with Him. He would shake His head in agreement with that….I am scared about that.

I am scared I expose all this…and then He will leave me...I am scared He will not like what He see as those layers are pulled back....those are the fears. But in reality He has been the first I have truly felt could handle it and will not leave...that will see the long term benifits....will see what type of a slave He will have....at the end of her struggle. I struggle and fight because of those fears...but that is how I have done it for years...so it is almost like I am conditioned to do it before I think about it. Before I give Him a chance or let faith work its magic....I fight just because it is how it has been.

I was thinking about past relationships…I have ended most of them….except Todd. But I have a fear of being abandoned and not being accepted. I do because…this probably will not sound logical at all….I do because I get in relationships with men that I find out that I can’t be who I am at my core with….I find out they are not
strong enough to handle it. And so either I resign myself to doing what I have to in that relationship for a while…but eventually I always get out.

M was strong enough to handle it. But mostly He just ripped into me and said you will surrender. And I surrendered for moments but again….I was able to
pretend because I could walk away from him and be back to how I have to be…how I have made myself be after years of programming.

I don’t want that and am working so hard right now to be the best I can be…to serve my Master completely. I want this for me as well as Him. I sound like the army slogan. lol

I think about what it would be like without…the things He is giving me….

That ebb and flow of the power exchange…
That growth…I am going through to push through fears, insecurities, struggles….
That ache in my soul…that screams with need to serve and please…to be His slave…
That journey to yin/yang….to completion ….to total surrender…to serenity…

I don't want to go backwards...I need to go forward so that I can find my serenity.....surrender to Him.
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