Drinking His Urine

A journal entry from Monday, July 29, 2002

Last night I woke up with a dream......

He was telling me to open my mouth to accept his urine but I shook my head no. He slapped me and told again to open my mouth and accept his urine. I said no. I am not quite sure why my dreams often have me being insolent when in an actually in day to day serving and life as a slave -- I am not insolent at all. Anyway, he then told me I would not get another drink of *anything* that day for refusing to drink his urine. And again I was insolent and just said, "okay fine." I was stubborn and thought going without drinking would be just fine. So of course all day the things he had me eat made me want have a drink. A peanut butter sandwich being one, pasty mac-n-cheese and spicy food. All the while he laughed at me for being stubborn. I tried to put on a sweet smile like it wasn't a big deal but of course he could see through it. But in the end I beg for his urine. Begging for drink. I was allowed to drink. But still was punished for being insolent.

So most of the time when I do dream about being "bad" in a dream - I wake up feeling guilty and upset. But this time I woke up extremely turned on and promptly masturbated myself into endless orgasms.

Dream of a House

When I was just married or just before, I started having a dream of a house. My house was a safe place....it always felt warm, happy and safe. The house is a normal house really. It had a kitchen and family room that were all one big room and then a living room and dining room in the front of part of the house, upstairs were bedrooms and then a basement with a rec room (and at times a playroom). The house had various people in it with me over the years. It kind of changes to who I am with. It was just whoever was stuck in my head at the time that appeared in the dream. I can see clear moments of the dream. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom talking before going to dinner with friends. Brian one of my first loves sitting at drafting table drawing. Remember Danny and I in bed with neckties still tied to the headboard (Danny was a man I was involved with right after Jim). When I was in Germany, I had dreams where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football.

In the dream of the house there is also a renovated barn on the property. It contains my art studio and always has even when I wasn't doing art. It actually contained a lot more of the reality of me - books that are on my bookshelves were in the art studio, my little things I have sitting around. There is 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until involved with another artist Lauren. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let some people into my studio but not her. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was.

When I started dating Todd, my house felt cold and empty. And he would show up in my dreams of the house but didn't make it past the porch. We would sit on the porch and talk but he not ever in the house. When I found out he left Cleveland, I had a dream of him that night...Todd was sitting on the porch and I was in the house standing in the kitchen. I had a pain shoot through me and I knew it was him. I was trying to get the front door to catch him but it hurt too much. When I got the porch he was already way out in the field next to a tree in the distance. He turned around and looked at me. And turned and kept walking. I stood on the porch a while. I sat in the chair on the porch just rocking. Just staring. I then got up and put my hand on the door to walk in and that is when I woke up.

For a long time after I didn't dream of the house. And when I finally did I was alone in the house....walking around it felt very empty...just me. I did not feel sad in the dream. I did not feel alone really either it was just weird...it was empty, like I was looking at the house with different eyes maybe. I would pick up things and just run my fingers over them and they felt different....they looked different... not like they were new though but they changed…were different. A friend and I talked about that was because I was still grieving/healing from my relationship with Todd.

After him I never dreamed of the house like I did before. It just felt very distant. And I also now don't remember them clearly....I mean I wake up knowing I dreamed of it but I can't really remember it as I once did.

Dreams from Danae's Brain....Oh My....

Okay this is how my mind works.....

I don't remember all the dream this is the gist of it though...

I have super powers....I can fly, lots of strength, can be invisible and so on. There is this evil person* who has rigged a machine that as the machine keeps working it grows into a bigger badder machine and it will eventually end the world. A cloud - enormous black stormy looking cloud starts to appear over the city. So I go to investigate of course being super power girl. I find out that it is coming from the machine. I try to unplug the machine, and smash some control panels and what not to try to turn it off but of course it doesn't work. The evil bad man and his hench men come and find me and they had a super power villain and he ends up kicking my ass and I wake in river where a pipe is pumping filth from the big machine into the river.

So I am covered in grim and pretty tired so I make it back to my Aunts who I am staying with at the moment (no idea on earth why as it a relative that I don't like and have little patience for). When at her place I take a bath. There is a caulking gun lying on the edge of the tube as they obviously were re-caulking their bathtub. So I am sitting there trying to come up with a plan and the caulk gives me the idea how to save the world. I get out and put on my robe and just as I do there is a knock on the door from my Aunt wanting to go get pizza. I tell her I can't go get pizza right now as I have to go. She gets mad and asks me at least to give them money (typical Aunt) even though I am not going.

I get dressed and go back to the machine and check it out and yes chalk is the answer. But then as I am there I see the sky is starting to crack and fall. People are screaming and dying. I figure out that the thing that I want to do doesn't work now but it would have if I had got there 15 minutes before. And now the world is ending. I am pissed. I kick the machine and a clipboard falls from the side of it....to my feet. It has dates scratched out or looks like been erased and wrote over and I can see the pattern to it. I erase the last date and suddenly as I suspected looking at the dates on the clip board...we are now back 1 day before.

I have to wait until the precise time to do what I need to with the caulk. Yes caulk really does saves the world. That time comes and I realize that because the machine is doing weird things to the atmosphere I am having problems flying with the things I need...the caulking gun to be exact so I don't know what to do to get there in time. So I squirt caulk into my mouth - fly to the machine - being careful not to swallow the caulk while flying in the turbulent sky - to squirt the caulk from my mouth into the exact location on the machine. It tastes horrible and I am so worried about swallowing it but I get there and squirt into the little spot and the machine dies and I save the world.

Yes that was my dream....I have had weird dreams like this before...

Usually I dream about things that I was doing right before I went to bed...like art, watching Alias, reading a book, the last thing I read on my lj friend's page (yes really I have done that on more then one occasion). Last night I read the book about Sugar the prostitute so where on earth did that dream come from?

(* evil person is this actor who I had to rack my brain of movies I had seen him in to go to to imdb and find his name as I didn't know it)

Kevin Smith Dream...

I had an unusual dream this past weekend....

I was Kevin Smith's wife. We were having anal sex with lots of people watching and he was doing his An Evening with Kevin Smith type of routine while fucking me. I was naked and he was dressed.

The room was like this 70's room with one of those hanging bubble type of chairs but not clear. Shag carpeting, big silk screen painting above the bed. It had all these little knobs on the nightstand that closed the wall of windows (where the people were standing), put music on and started the disco ball above the bed. Yes....this was my dream!

Dec 26 & a Dream.....

We had a good day....

Started off with heading to Target first....got Christmas wrap, tags, cards, ribbon, gift bags and all that kind of stuff. We also got a few things we were wanting using some gift certificates my sisters gave us for Christmas. We also went to Wal-Mart, Michael's, Circuit City and Hallmark. Some places just to return things but a few others to buy! After shopping until we were ready to drop....we came home to take a nap (strange dream to be recreated at the end of this blog) ....and then we went out to dinner. During our dinner they asked if we could move. We were right between a place where they could set a bigger party. They gave us free dessert for moving even though it is still in the to-go container in the fridge as we were so full. Tonight we watched Serenity. It was great! The bonus material: the outakes, deleted scenes and Joss' Introduction were great too. After the Joss introduction ended, Master said, "you are lusting!" I said, "yes!" Smart and quirky at times equal sexy to me.

So it has been a very good day. Tomorrow I plan on cleaning up all the lingering boxes, gift bags and such and putting presents away. I then need to work on some art things as I would like to get them in the mail this week.

Today while napping I had the WEIRDEST dream I have had in a long time. I have been thinking about my friends in Ohio a lot lately being Moni's birthday and all. My dream was of a birthday party for her.

So everyone was there but the main players were Moni, her husband Michael, Bill, Lisa, Master and myself. We were at a club for Moni's birthday. Moni was dressed in a princess type taffeta dress wearing a tiara. Under the dress was all naughty...it was a red and black waist cincher with garter straps, black stockings and thigh high black leather boots. Moni's trademark normally is showing off her boobs to everyone but this night her trademark became lifting up her princess dress and showing off her ass and legs! Lisa was dressed as a school girl with pigtails...always so cute.

The club was a sex/SM club. There was a stage with sex mixed with SM but had kind of a burlesque feel to it. Above the dance floor there were people having sex on swings...like trapeze artists almost. Around the edges of the dance floor were little SM stations..with crosses, spanking benches and whatnot and people doing all sorts of wonderfully wicked things. In the club there were multiple tiers kind of overlooking everything and we had one tier booked for the party so everyone was there. It had tables, chairs, couches, and play equipment.

The part of the dream I remember the most is I came up from being on the dance floor. I was hot in more ways then one and needing to find Master. Bill was sitting in a chair with Lisa before him on her knees giving him a blowjob. Moni was lounging on couch next to her husband. And I asked her where Master was at...she said he went to go get a toy. When Master came back he had in his hand one of those fake pussy toy that sucked....he was wearing black jeans and then his cock was out and pushed into the toy. He sat down on a bench type thing and was playing with it while I sat next to Him. He pulled the toy off....and laid down on the bench and had me strip and ride him. I felt very self conscious and we were in front of Moni, Michael, Bill and Lisa. They all watched us. I would get close to making Master cum and He would stop me so that he could prolong it...not only prolong the anticipation but my embarrassment...

I was feeling kind of anxious and wanting to leave the situation...and that is when Master woke me up! Saved!

"Are You Having an Affair?"

So almost 2 weeks ago I had a conversation with Master asking Him if He wanted to add someone else to play - have sex with....why I asked this is because I was having one of those times where I just felt...very low in how I view myself (explaining this a little more below). I remember the expression His face -- utter shock. I knew it kind of hit Him out of left field. He said no right away.

The next day while taking a nap I had a dream that Master was having an affair. I have had torrid dreams of Master playing and having sex with others lots that I enjoy, but this one was not like that...it had the feeling of an affair. That is the closest word I can come to that would describe it - He was hiding it from me. So I had this dream and woke up thinking that is odd...about 30 minutes later calls me and tells me he has been out with co-workers having drinks was on His way home. Anyway, in that moment...I had a brief little thought of "is He having an affair?" And then went okay you are not awake -- get a grip!

Master came home and I told him about my dream and then what went through my mind He laughed...we laughed. He told me he was not having an affair...plus He told me He did not have time to have one as He has been extremely busy lately. And that is so true!

So why I am writing about this....because I find it so silly how things can spiral....into irrational thought.

First reality check -- Master is working LOTS! So much that we can hardly even have more then 20 minute conversation at a time lately.

Spiral of irrational thoughts -- Master is busy so not here enough to do much of anything with me -- even have a conversation. ---> Not having some of His attention is making me sad ---> I start getting depressed ----> Which spirals into low self esteem moments ---> Where I think Master is not turned on by me ----> I am not attractive so Master does not want to have sex with me that is why we have not been spending much time together ----> Which goes to He should have sex with someone else if He is not turned on by me ----> Which goes to He is having an affair.

So to end this...I don't think Master is having an affair. I do think that I am going through a bout of depression that is bigger than I have had in a very long time...thus spawning many irrational thoughts. I love Master and know that if He wanted to go out and find someone to have sex with...He would tell me. Unfortunately for Him -- He is working long hours...so not able to relax much at all - and making it impossible for Him to spend time with His girl.

Bleeding

I wrote this yesterday......

I will add more about something similar later.....something Mistress DM and I kind of talked about.....

My dreams last night were even more dark....

I was so cold and it was so dark. I felt like I was almost in a fog.....where I could not think....all I heard was him. All I felt was him. I heard his footsteps....heard his breathing and movements....and all I felt was pain. Aching...deep to the core....it was like the layers were RIPPED off of me....I was bleeding.....not only emotionally...but physically from all that had been done. I don't know what....I just was bleeding....lying on the ground nothing....cold....

I woke up shivering...from it.

Pantiless Fun

Blogger was down...so this was written at 2:30am...May 29th.

Well, I woke up with a nightmare. I feel on edge. I hate that feeling. I was just flipping through some journals......so I am stealing this topic from Mistress DM.......her journal. She was looking at stats and how people found her.

So I did the same for my journal and here are some of the words used to find me..........

Danae
Danaewhispering
Danae's Journal
pantiless fun
bound and whipped
no panties slut punish
forced masturbation
bdsm blog
Rodin

Just like with Mistress DM's journal.....anything that is searched for of sexual nature is probably not really found all that much in my journal. Like pantiless fun. I know I mention that I don't wear panties...but it is not enough to hmm be the information someone really is searching for lol

My nightmare was so strange......not normal nightmare for me. This one contained people I know today...instead of from my past.

I am surfing...and I found an article and I agree with it for the most part. Not going to talk about it at all because most people would not agree with it. But it did make me remember a journal entry - in my hand written journal on Feminism. Well, what feminism is to me. I remember when I moved here and stayed at home being basically a housewife. I liked it really - except that I lived with people that were.....pretty inconsiderate. Such as one person that lived with us - spilled pop and it was next to my computer and started to run under the keyboard and she just sat there. I said are you going to clean that up she said later. It was liquid...not just liquid....coke...regular coke. And she was just sitting there. I got up and went the kitchen got a wet cloth and a towel and proceeded to clean it up. She felt I was rude by getting in her way. I thought I was saving my computer.

I remember going home at Christmas and my cousin asked me what I was doing...as in job. And I told her I stay at home. That I was basically a housewife. And she had this forlorn look on her face and said why. Well, the first answer was because Kam wanted me too. Which of course just made her even get a worse look on her face that I was doing something a MAN wanted. And then of course when I said I liked it she did not believe me as Kam had told me to stay home....she acted like I was forced. She knew nothing of our lifestyle. I was not forced, as I wanted to please my Master. But of course there was no choice either since he was my Master and I was the slave.

Maybe I should dig that entry out and type it up. I think I will :)

I am going to go to bed......here is the Tuesday This and That.....

1. Charcoal or gas BBQ grill?
Gas BBQ Grill

2. Beach or pool?
beach

3. Sneakers or sandals?
Sandals

4. Sunblock or suntan lotion?
Sunblock I am very fair skinned so definitely sunblock

5. Iced tea or iced coffee?
Well, neither... but if I had to pick I'd say iced coffee because I like coffee flavoring but not coffee. I can't stand tea...hot or iced.

6. Touristy beach town or quiet camping trip?
touristy beach town....not a camping girl

7. Theme park or baseball game?
Neither but if I have to pick baseball game.

8. One or two-piece swimsuit?
I wore a 2 piece up until I started gaining weight and then I did not own a swimsuit until last year when I went to Germany and that was a one piece.

9. Bicycling or rollerblading?
bicycling

10. It's 95 degrees outside. Do you prefer to go outside in the heat, or stay in and hide behind the air-conditioner?
in the air conditioning

Nick's job, Someone Like You, job options

Music: Empire Records Soundtrack

I just woke up from a nightmare. So up surfing the net. Right now is the first time I have spent this amount of time online in almost 3 weeks. Starring at the computer screen for very long has been making me feel nauseous. So, I have not been online a lot while sick. I am still really having problems breathing and still coughing a lot but my ear infections are gone. And I do not feel so achy and such.

I talked to Nick the other night and he had read my journal (the first time in a long time) and he told me I could say what he is going to do for work now. He is going to join the police academy to become a police officer. I had not posted it because I had not checked with him on it and on those things I like to check with him. He has always been very good about what I post in my journal though. He wants me to write what I feel and think and not censor myself. It was one thing that attracted him to me - is that I am very open and real.

Tuesday night I watched a movie Someone Like You - with Ashley Judd, Hugh Jackman (yummmmmyyyy) and Greg Kinnear. The summery on Internet Movie Database about this movie to me is not what the movie is about. That movie was not spectacular and had some things that I did not like but it is something I would probably watch again. Anyway, there were a few parts in the movie that I affected me more then I really wanted it too. It actually reminded me of myself, Todd and Nick (not that it similar to the things going on but the underlying message is what I related too).

I meet Nick a few days after I found out Todd had left town. And so he has had to deal with a lot of my grieving process. He knows I am not over Todd. He knows I need some questions answered and to do something I have wanted to do since….hmmm July I guess. He has comforted me a few times when I have cried over Todd. I have been very thankful to have him in my life to help me through this.

One of the things that I have had happen in my past is that - several of the men in my life can't handle my tears. All sorts of things happen and make them not handle it well at all. I usually in the past had to suck all my feelings in and turn the tears off and end up being there for them. But Nick always is there and never runs away from me when I am hysterical, sick, sad, neurotic, paranoid, mushy, pmsing...and so on. And I pray lots that when I meet him in person it will be the same.

Since I am in limbo about what to do for work and Nick is ending his one job and then not sure when he will be starting at the academy.....us working a time to see each other looks like it is going to be a fun task (NOT!). He is very much it will happen when it happens and there is no rush as we have the rest of our lives. He is just too casual about it at times for me. It was 8 months yesterday that we met online. I have a friend that was friends with her fiancé 2 years before they even met in person. I hope it is not 2 years before I meet Nick lol

I actually discussed with Kam moving today. Moving to a new town and starting over. He wondered if I was thinking of moving to Arizona, but I am not. And I know that surprised him. It is something that probably will not happen but has crossed my mind a few times.

I have some other options that keep me in the same industry just not doing the same thing. And so when I am feeling better next week I am going to start researching those options. I am sure Nick is not going to be totally thrilled with the work options I am thinking about....but right now it seems like a good thing for me to keep in the same industry since I miss it and liked so many people in the community.

This week could have been busy for me if I would have been feeling better. The Les group is meeting on Thursday and I still too sick to go. And then Friday there is a party and Saturday there is a new BDSM meeting starting (but not sure I like the people who are organizing it but I have not confirmed it is the person I think it is) and then there is a fem sub meeting and then Sunday I have meeting for planning committee (PC). The only thing I am hoping at this time to go to is the PC meeting. The other things I am pretty much going to have to miss :(

Well I am going to try to go back to sleep......

Good night....

peace,
danae

manifesting your divine nature

Music: Dave Matthews Band

Well it is Sunday morning almost 6am. I went to SMART on Saturday night and then out with a friend after.

I am having a pms low level migraine (crossing fingers it does not hit harder tomorrow). I have been working on a website for Carpe Diem. And also now after Saturday night I have been put on the SMART Planning Committee for their website. So now at least I have a little bit of focus.

I am not tired and I should be. . . I am going to need to get my sleeping patterns back in line.

I was thinking tonight how we change according to how our life is going. I have been noticing people around me do that. I mean I look back in my life and see it too. Only example I can think of at the moment - is one with Todd. When I was with Todd, I felt that I could give up D/s. And now looking back at the months I have not had a regular everyday real life power exchange. . . I feel that I can’t live without some level of D/s in my life. But in that moment when I felt such love and such. . . Not sure the word - devotion maybe - I felt I could be happy being with him in anyway. And I don’t think I was off in that moment. I do believe with Todd how he started the relationship (notice I said “started“) it could have gone vanilla and I would have been happy. I think when we are in the moment and it feels good we accept things even if they are not our core belief or long term goal and even ethics at times.

I live my life by feeling. I analyze everything too. But I feel it more then think it. If it feels right - like the place I need to go then that is the direction I go.

I had that thing go on tonight where I was in a room full of people and felt alone.

Stopped writing about 5:45 and was reading archives of my blogger trying to find a post I did a long time ago and anyway I came across a post talking about my house. The house I used to dream about all the time. I have not had dream about my house in months I think September maybe.

From my journal - July 10th, 2000 - to explain the house more -

“. . . a reoccurring dream I have....not always the same but....it has the same house in it. It is the house and myself that are the constant in the dream. The house is a normal house really. It has a living room, dining room, kitchen and family room are all one big room, an upstairs with bedrooms, and a basement with playroom *grin* and rec room. Anyway, I have had the dream over the years...with various people in the dream. Jim and I were in the house. Brian one of my first loves. Danny has been in the house with his kids. Honey and her son have been in the house. Jackie has been in the house and also another area that is just for me...which I will explain more. Di has been in the house but she did not live there like the others have. jackie of Detroit was in the house too but she did not live there either. And it is not like that others have lived there all at once. They have not.

I will have dream with the house and a certain person. Like when I was in Germany I had dream where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football. I have had dreams with Danny and I in bed. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom. Mistress DM in the living room reading and I come in with a tray with tea and such on it and serve her tea by kneeling before her. Morgan is in the house in things.....the vase of fresh cut flowers on the dining room table, a painting on the wall, a silk scarf draped over the bedpost. She is in the house but I do not see her physical presence in the house.

I have a renovated barn on the property of the house and that is me. That is my art studio. It has all my books, little boxes, pictures, music and art things in it. There are 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until last summer when Jackie was here. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let someone in my studio. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was. “

So that is the house. When I was with Todd, he was never in the house but on the porch in a chair or on the swing. . . He would pat the bench on the swing next to him to have me come talk to him. He would tilt his head like he does and give me that smile and his eyes would be so clear and his smile would melt me. Anyway when he broke up with me he walked off the porch in the dream and turned to look at me, smiled and then I turned to the door I remember feeling like I want to run inside. But instead I turned back to watch him walk away. I can’t remember now if I saw him walk away of he was just gone - maybe that is why I don’t feel the closure he just was gone.

I brought in the package tonight - I know that is why I am thinking of him. It is sitting about 3 feet from me. I unwrapped the outside layer of the brown paper that I had wrapped it in to mail it. And now the 2 packages and the 2 letters in the envelopes are sitting there.

Because I started to get upset I stopped writing for a moment and went back to my archives -

Something that stood out to me because I believe this is true -

“When you keep your word, you are manifesting your divine nature. The more that you keep your word to yourself and to others, the more your word becomes law in your universe. This gives you something you trust -- you can trust yourself. Your word counts. What you say makes a difference. You can take yourself seriously, and others can count on you.”

When I read that….I thought of one person…..Di.

Time to go to bed and try to turn this brain off!

peace,
danae

Scared of you

Music: Nelly Furtado ~ Whoa Nelly

I chatted with Sir Nick online today. It was interrupted a few times so it was not a smooth line of conversation where I could ask him the million questions I have rolling around in my head.

I am having lots of self-image problems right now. I hear people in my head that I should not be hearing. Because they slow me down. I have several people attracted to me....want to date or own me. And yet I feel unattractive.

Probably why I crave touch....to feel that contact....because it is an acceptance to me.

I just wrote a long rambling letter to Sir Nick. I write him every night. It is usually within 40 mins of going to bed. I have went without writing before only to wake up in the middle of the night remember and sometimes I have tried to just go back to bed as I knew Sir Nick would not mind. He would rather have me get some sleep. But it is impossible I have to get up and write him lol I rambled on and on about "Sir" and Todd. Some things with self-image with them.

I had dreams of her last night....I had dreams of my body over hers looking into her eyes. Touching her face...moving the soft curls from her face. Seeing her nervousness and kissing her gently. I do not understand why I am dreaming of her so much. Dreaming of Jackie. :(

Last year at this time though was when I really gave her my heart completely. I remember talking to Honey about my love for Honey and she looked at me kind of shocked....because she thought I was talking about Jackie and then realized I was talking about her. She said you should read your words in your journal about Jackie you were in love with her. I said no I love her but not in love. But I believe I was in love with her.

Ugggh not sure what to do with those feelings.....thoughts about her.

I have real player open...and have it on one of it screens that called the nebula. I am just staring into it as Nelly Furtado is playing. Song playing right now called Scared of you.

I think it is time for bed lol

good night...

peace & serenity,
danae

Tell the Truth

Music: No Doubt

Diet Coke with Lemon!!!

I love Diet Coke with Lemon. When I got out for dinner or even when I go out and do not drink alcohol then I drink diet coke with lemon. Well, Diet Coke now comes with lemon flavoring :) It is yummy!

This weekend was busy busy busy......which is a good thing in a round about way. It was a good weekend over all. It will be a good thing long term also. I am really tired. I should have come home from doing some work in the morning and went to bed, instead I did work. And now I am probably not going to have any time off until Saturday. My birthday then is going to be the last day I had off.

I wanted to go to SMART this past weekend but I was just too busy. I have not been to SMART since right after Todd broke up with me. I met someone there that I used to write about in my journal a lot...."Sir." Anyway, I miss going. The other group I go to is going to be next weekend. And it should prove to be interesting.

This weekend my dreams of Sir Nick were so intense.....some very vanilla, some very sexual, some very BDSM oriented....some soft some dark. It was such a mixture. All interesting....all good.

Tonight he popped on for a little bit. Good to hear from him since my Birthday was the last time. When I go more then 2 or 3 days without word I get antsy. Sad thing is I am getting more used to it. But what would normally happen in this situation is my feelings would lesson. And I was thinking about this last week....my feelings have not changed at all. They have deepened I believe. I open up to him easily.

Tonight was one of those times. It was hard to tell him the truth, but just shrugging it off and not telling him the truth would have hurt more in the big picture. I could have just said I am fine. But he asked...and so I had to tell him the truth. And the truth was I was not doing good at that point in our conversation. He really threw me for a loop. And I am still not sure how to feel about the whole thing if I break it up and think about the things said. But over-all it turned out okay so that is good thing. I am not sure if he read me this time but he handled it all very "smoothly".....like he was prepared for the answer that I said to him. I think though maybe I threw him a little when I told him that I was so upset that I had been crying. It just shocked me and pms might have something else to do with it lol Anyway, we are okay. And it is okay.

I miss him...and wish tonight that I could crawl in bed with him and just snuggle into his arms. To be held by him. To feel the warmth of his skin next to mine....to hear his heart beating.....that is what I wish.....

good night...

peace,
danae

Almost Famous

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -- Tuli Kupferberg

I did not sleep well last night at all. I have had a migraine all week...different levels to it. Yesterday was probably the worst of it. And I actually slept most of the day. Which maybe is why I could not sleep last night, but I was yawning and felt tired last night.

I dreamed of my house this past week. I have been trying to pretend I didn't. But of course I did. I woke up one morning knowing I had dreamed of the house. And just shoved it from my mind. Then the other night I was vegging on the couch flipping through channels (something I rarely do) and it came back to me. I tried to push it way but I wanted too.

I was alone in the house....walking around it felt very empty...just me. I did not feel sad in the dream. I did not feel alone really either it was just weird...it was empty, like I was looking at the house with different eyes maybe. I would pick up things and just run my fingers over them and they felt different....they looked different... not like they were new though but they changed…were different.

Anyway I dreamed of the house. Not sure how I feel about it yet. I do not feel bad or sad thinking of it. I just am uncomfortable that I dreamed of it and not sure why or what it means.

Last weekend, I went to Barnes and Noble. It is always weird going in there...now. That is where I met Todd for the first time. Anyway, I was walking down the aisles of books today and walked past it and then as I walked past…I felt the word illusion come to mind and remembered Richard Bach's book. I had just past it so I walked back and opened it up. First word I read was Master and has like these number sequences talking about Master - basically almost like an outline of the book and then I went back to first pages of the book and the first words I saw were. "Perhaps it is no coincidence that you're holding this book; perhaps there is something about these adventures that you came here to remember." I bought the book. Richard Bach was one of Todd's favorite authors. Fitting…that Todd’s favorite author has a book named Illusions. And just reading some of the beginning part about the Master. It felt like I heard Todd saying some of the words.

I picked up the Valkyries the other day and read some of it. I want to get another Paulo Coelho book. Just asked Mistress DM which one of his books I should read next. She told me "the alchemist reads fast...and has some basic beliefs about karma and the soul and magic." I then responded with "yes Ma`am, then that is the one I will get next." And she said, "dang. If only you took all my advice and suggestions that easily." That was cute made me laugh out loud.

I have been watching a lot of movies lately. Last weekend I rented A Knight's Tale, Notting Hill, The Story of Us....this weekend rented Family Man, Save the Last Dance, The Mummy Returns, The Bachelor, Chasing Amy. Step Mom was on TNT last night watched that. I watched Gia, Mystic Pizza, Pretty Woman, Dances with Wolves recently too. Go to Internet Movie Database to check any of those titles out. It is a great site that Sir Laz and aydeen told me about :)

I liked A Knight's Tale...Heath Ledger was hot and also Rufus Sewell...yummy....but women...all of them in that movie I drooled over just as much ~ Shannyn Sossamon, Bérénice Bejo, Laura Fraser. I thought I was going to hate the rock music in it...but I loved it!

There is always movies that I like just because....like Almost Famous. I love that movie. I could watch it over and over. And not that it had a message in it that I related to or experience that I did. I just liked it. A Knight's Tale kind of falls in that same category.

I signed on today and read the news. I started to get annoyed with some things I was reading and almost started to write Sir Nick about them, but then stopped because I decided he did not need to be hearing those things right now. I actually think one day we might have an interesting talk about politics. It will be hard for me though and that might sound strange. It will be hard for me to have with him. Because I know some of his views and I have felt mine alter already...slightly...after listening to some of his. And sooooo it will be hard to stick to what I have always believed in. Now, I am not saying I do not need some new views, I do....as Kam tells me all the time if we had a danae USA...everyone would end up dead. I would have everyone holding hands and singing and dancing and picking flowers in the meadow. And then as Kam says, when the big bad neighbors decide they want something we have they will just come and gun us down and take it...because I would not have anyone that was equip to defend us....because you know I like to see the world is full of love and peace that we really all do want to love each other and not fight. So why would someone want to come in and gun us down? lol

But back to more serious…a quote that Mistress DM has on her website….I have not read this book yet. But feel this quote is good after reading all the news I did today.

Tragedies do happen. We can discover the reason, blame others, imagine how different our lives would be had they not occurred. But none of that is important: they did occur, and so be it. From there onward we must put aside the fear that they awoke in us and begin to rebuild. --Paulo Coehlo, The Fifth Mountain

Mistress DM has a discussion group for all of her friends. And there was a post recently that asked for four adjectives that describe you and why. Well, I did the 4 adjectives. Just did not do the whys...still kind of thinking on them. The 4 adjectives I used were passionate, loving, neurotic, and distant. There were so many other words I could have used. It was hard to just chose 4. Others that I thought of....complex, intense (passionate also goes along with that though for me), lost, scared, masochistic, wimpy, girly, strong, confused, indecisive, control freak, creative, artistic, loyal, shy, emotional, and compassionate. So see it was hard to chose lol

Some BDSM topic floating around my head. Humiliation. I was trying to think of the most humiliating moment a Dominant has done to me. I can't think of it. Weird huh?

Obedience being tested. Is it something that is okay? I guess what I was thinking of is that I often test. I am at times not even aware I am doing it and other times I know I am...anyway I test. And I was reading where a Dominant tested his submissive obedience periodically by putting things out there that she normally is against to test her obedience with. Then it made me think...wonder if dominants test like submissives do. Is it just a relationship thing?

Feeling of being used. That topic came up on a discussion list not to long ago. I was reading the answer of someone I know. It was a good answer. Which I might ask the author if I can post here.

Anyway got me thinking….I crave at pain, I crave intimacy - softness, kissing, I crave to be fucked, I crave to be used, I crave to submit, I crave to please.....

All those things when I do them…. satisfy things in me. Almost all of them are an emotional, mental and physical need but the emotional satisfaction from them probably more important. I cannot experience the emotional though on most of them without the physical. I need to feel the pain....when I crave pain. Feel his hands on me and the look in his eyes….the whole experience. I have had emotional and mental orgasms that have been better then any physical. I have had pain and not any sexual stimulus that created more powerful orgasm – whole spectrum – emotional, mental and physical. I have had pain and not had an orgasm at all but it was better then an orgasm the whole experience.

I was talking to SM today about the guy I played with a little while back. He said he just wants to "get his rocks off". And it is true. He said you need more then that. What he said I needed...still is echoing in me. But back to that conversation...after I played with the sadist....during it the emotions that happened. Could not have happened that way if I would have known the man...more. Like if Nick or SM or even Mistress DM did those things to me...I could not have handled it as well emotionally...is that strange? I mean if I were looking up at Nick as he punched my breasts...my feelings would be different. And not necessarily bad or worse but different.

The post on being used...this person describes if her Master was just bending her over and uses her.....Well wouldn't the feeling - of being used - be MORE if it were someone she did not know as well? Wouldn't it give you the feeling of being used more then someone who cares?

Okay all that being said I still want that person that cares for me in my life....to use me, to give me pain, to hurt me physically, to humiliate me, to allow me to serve and please him.

My headache is starting to come back again...ugghh so going to log off and watch another movie...

peace,
danae

Unresolved

Written 10/1

I am going to list the music listening to each time I blog because....music is important to me. :)

Music: Staind and Poe

I was thinking about poly today and chatting with someone about it.

I love very easily and love more then one person so does that make me poly...even if I were not to be involved in a relationship with more then one? Even though I hope to not live in a poly household again? I like the thought of Sir Nick and I with others. And even like the thought of him with others. But someone living and serving next to me...that thought I cannot wrap my mind around right at this time. I want to be first. Selfish? Yes!

Kam never put me second really. I mean I know that many of his former submissives would say I was first lol But I did not feel it. I mean I gave up lots of things to make them feel that bond with him right away.

I gave them 30 days and nights with him without asking for anything from him. Hardly ever asked him for anything anyway. He called me to him to serve him but then I would leave afterwards. I did things to help enhance their times together...planned special times for them when I knew he was to busy to. I did things to try to help their relationships but now I wish I would not have. More so because I know Kam blames me for things. And maybe my "helping" did get in the way. I am not sure.

I think actually spending time with Sir Laz and aydeen, actually is what showed me that I needed someone that would put me first...like I do with my partner. I enjoyed my time with Sir Laz and aydeen. I do not regret one moment of it. It just taught me a lot about what I need and myself.

I do not wish my dominant to cater to my every whim. But I do want someone that will say "this is best for danae and even though maybe I am not thrilled I want my submissive to be emotionally and mentally well." Lots of Dominants, think that crap...basically I think they feel either you want to serve or you don't....my way or the highway.

My needs are important. And I will not settle for anything less. I am going to give it my all so why shouldn't the Dominant? It is a power exchange. I want to serve and please but I also want more then just that. And I know my Dominant does too:)

Okay back on topic. I do not know if I want poly anymore. And that just seems so strange coming from the poly poster child lol I mean I think it can work. I am bisexual. I love the thought of watching my partner with another. I like the thought 2 women pleasing my partner, but when I think of the daily ins and outs of life I am like...nope do not want go there.

Sir Nick is not here and I am not there and he is still my priority. I have wanted to be involved with others right now...play partners and women but I just do not have the energy to do that...emotional energy. A is the closet I feel I can go, because there is a big boundary with him since he is married.

Babbling Babbling...lol...

Written 10/2

Music: Match Box 20 ~ Mad Season, Practical Magic Soundtrack

Yesterday, I was lying down...I had a migraine. Lots of them again lately. Anyway, I had yahoo on and had it so that it would ding when someone messaged me because I did not want to miss Sir Nick. I had fallen asleep and was dreaming. It was so real...I could feel the softness of his lips and the brush of his goatee against my mouth....He was kissing me...and it felt so real. I woke up startled with the ding because it had been so real it took me a moment to realize it was a dream. It was Todd...kissing me...in my dream.

And I heard the ding and it was Sir Nick messaging me. So I shoved the dream aside and put my focus on Sir. Where I want it to be :) Right now when Sir Nick and I talk it is very surface type talks. And lots of that I think is because he is stressed with work and so that is his kind of down/light time with me. And so I try to keep it that way as much as possible but because I have limited time I sometime get into a serious talks. I know he knows me enough to know I am a very emotional and very intense. So he probably expects it somewhat lol But I truly believe that I am here to enhance his life and make it better and less stressful. So I do not bring up all the things I want to talk about because I want him to be less stressed right now. It just gets hard at times. I feel so far from him right now.

Then, with, how my thoughts were of Todd yesterday it made me feel even further away from him....

I reread my archives yesterday - specifically all the entries about Todd. (which were practically everything since May lol)

Anyway it was so weird to read how I talked about him at the beginning and then how it just changed. Di blames herself for Todd and I. She blames herself so much that she did not want to talk to Nick at first. Especially since Nick's middle initial was a T lol And Todd goes by his middle name so it is T. I try to remind her that Todd was the jerk. He was the one that did not know what he wanted. He was the one that lied and played games and hurt me. She has told me he really missed out with me. I love unconditionally and I did with him. He hurt me over and over again and I would get back up and try to show him that I loved him so that he would stop hurting us. But it scared him. I mean I even knew at a certain point he was an illusion and I still wanted to show him that I loved him.

I do not know what is unresolved with him still but I have been thinking about since he first started invading me again......trying to figure it out. I thought maybe rereading the archives would help give me a clue. Is there something else I need to learn? Something else I need to do to get through the grieving process? I wish I knew.

Sir Nick I am still obsessed with....even though Todd is invading my thoughts again....does not mean I am still not on the path I want...to Sir Nick.

The last time I dreamed of my house...Todd was sitting on the porch and I was in the house standing in the kitchen. I had a pain shoot through me and I knew it was him. (Just like in real life - that happened to me). I was trying to get the front door to catch him but it hurt too much. When I got the porch he was already way out in the field next to a tree in the distance. He turned around and smiled at me. The same smile he gave me the night I broke down pleading him to help me at TGIF. The same night I told him I love him. The same night he told Honey he just wanted to be friends with me. Anyway, I looked to him and wanted to run after him but I could not move....

He smiled at me. And turned and kept walking. I stood on the porch a while. I sat in the chair on the porch just rocking. Just staring. I then got up and put my hand on the door to walk in and that is when I woke up.

I have not dreamed of the house since.

That was August 6th I think and then August 9th I met Sir Nick online. And have not had the dream with him in it.

I do not know why....but something came to me shortly after realizing that I had not dreamed about Nick in my house...was that I do not need my safe place anymore. He is it. Maybe.

Todd never made it into the house just the porch...he said he was just a step from where I needed to be. And so if he was outside the house and got me to be there....outside....maybe...he was just the step.

I just remember I turned back...in the dream....I had my hand on the door and I left it there but turned to look behind. And that is when I woke up.

I have not been sleeping well since coming to the realization that was the last time I dreamed of the house....just realized that. Now I am wondering if I am scared to go to sleep because if I dream of the house and Sir Nick is in it then it might mean he is not the one? Or that if I dream of just being in the house without him that he is not the one? Or who knows.

Mistress DM, I think, said that she wondered if I had not dreamed of the house because it needs time to heal from Todd being in it. I am that house so the house is grieving and healing from him? That makes sense too.

I want to be f**ked. It seems like it would be a good escape right now. To relax me too. lol I was craving pain yesterday, but today it is less. My anger seems less today too.

Someone wrote me a while back...someone I care about...and said, "If you were mine, I'd protect you. You would have no worries." You know I have had that said to me before but that time it felt different. And right now it is what I want. To be protected.

peace,
danae

Closer to Him

Not even sure what to write today.

I feel the need to write. But most of it will not come out.

I have talked to Sir Nick a few times in the last few days. That has been great. Today he was different then he probably has ever been with me. And not that it was a bad thing.

It is one of those weeks where I want to just disappear. Maybe go to Nick's lol

Attention.....

I am an attention slut lol I admit it.

It has been hard and Sir Nick has spoiled me beyond belief lol He gave me soooo much time and attention that now I want it still even though he is not able to give it to me right now. Past things with me I hate being alone. Still do. But this is not the same feeling. I just want attention.

Anyway I have been getting attention and tonight I felt guilty about it for the first time. So far it has been just chatting with a couple of Dominants. But after talking to Sir today I felt something....something different. More. And then so when I talked to someone else I felt guilt.

I was just talking to Di telling her. Sir was different today. And actually the last few times I have talked to him I feel him bringing me close to him. Even though he is busy working. It is like he does things and makes me feel like "You are MINE and don't forget it for one moment." And he never comes out and says that....but he makes me feel that way.

He also does not exert his dominance really it is so subtle. I look back and I go wow...you just made me walk this path purposely.....he makes me walk into things all the time. I make confessions....open up and walk right where he wants me even if I had no intentions of going that direction. He makes me answer ALL his questions even those that make me squirm. And that is the reason he does lol. But you know how many Dominants miss that one? Mistress DM does not let me not answer her questions either.

He compels me to submit to him. He does things that make me want to please him and serve him and submit to him. And he is just being himself lol

I am a control freak and with Sir Nick I am not. I feel changes more and more. I feel how I think changing.

Di and I ended up talking about Todd tonight. I have had him in my thoughts a lot lately. He was in a dream the other night he had that smirk on his face the one he would use to make me feel like it was my fault. And it pissed me off that he took space up in my head. I actually was doing what I did with him started with the doubts and then I looked at him and said NO.

Di and I were talking about a dream she has and that made me think I have not had the dream of my house with Nick. I have had many dreams of Nick but they are always where he is at...or at least what I think his place looks like in my mind.

I told Di, I wished today I could be at his place and be surrounded by his things.

I think Sir needed a release today. He was different. I know he gave me a release I needed.

Babbling...

good night...

peace,
danae

House

I am not sure what I want to write. I feel kind of like I have evened out some in the last week. I am sure it has lots to do with the mental exercise that Mistress DM has me doing. I talked with SM on the phone yesterday. He has a nice voice. Yesterday was my day off and I just did absolutely nothing...no cleaning, no laundry, hardly no thinking about all the stuff I need to do this week for work. It was nice.

Thinking about past relationships, particularly Jim and my relationship. When I mentally and even verbally have ended it with him something happens after where it is almost like there was a weight lifted off of both of our shoulders and so we were able to relax and just be. I mean a good fun memory with Jim was him and I sitting on the living room floor listening to music and drinking some wine and going through our cd's to decide who got what cd. We were joking and having fun. But in that moment in time we had already decided we were done. Things seemed to get better for that time. But it did not last. I mean he knew who I was and where I wanted my life and that was not where he wanted his. So we knew it was wrong for us to be together at that time.

It is coming up on your 10 year anniversary....I need to write him and have some closure on things. Yes, I go through even still after 3 years of being divorced that I wonder if we could make it work now. But I know when I really feel it and think it....he never will accept ME. He never will accept me how I care for people and want to give them the shirt off my back and help people in need, he will never accept the dreamer and artist in me, he will never accept my sexuality, he will never accept my desire and need to be in a D/s relationship. So I need write my letter say what I need and walk away and let him do whatever he wants with it - ignore it or hear it. He has so much anger. It will be 2 years in November since I saw him. And he is still angry at me.

Something else I have been having roll around in my head is......

How we hang on to things.

I remember a time when I was staying with Jim (long story why I would stay with him) and I was about to go out to eat with Danny. And I was dressed in a short skirt and blouse with lots of cleavage, bra and panties and heels and I came out and he was sitting watching TV and he looked at me and he had that look that meant he was thinking something. I said "what" and he said "you look slutty." I, at that time, let that get to me. I got upset went to the bedroom and cried. I changed right away and called Danny and said I could not meet him and told him what Jim had said. Danny tried to tell me to not to listen to Jim. That was a beautiful sexy woman and that I was not scared to show that off. And it was Jim's own insecurities that made him lash out at me. Anyway I let Jim's words hurt me. Because at that time I believed being a slut was a bad thing. I believed showing off my cleavage and legs were bad. So my own insecurities stopped me from standing up to him also. A year later I visited. And I was on my way out to a KINK event. I was dressed in a short skirt, thigh highs, black lace up blouse, and heels. No bra - No panties. :) And he said "you are such a slut" and I said "yes I am and damn proud of it." :) And left that way. It is all how you feel about yourself. It took me so long to get comfortable with myself. I have emails and ims after seeing pictures of me saying you are fat or worse. And if I took and hung on to all those comments, I would not be a very happy person, probably lock myself in my bedroom. I would allow them to control how I view myself. And I am the only one who really matters when it comes to how I view myself - my looks, thoughts and beliefs.

Something that has been on my mind lately is a reoccurring dream I have....not always the same but....it has the same house in it. It is the house and myself that are the constant in the dream. The house is a normal house really. It has a living room, dining room, kitchen and family room are all one big room, an upstairs with bedrooms, and a basement with playroom *grin* and rec room. Anyway, I have had the dream over the years...with various people in the dream. Jim and I were in the house. Brian one of my first loves. Danny has been in the house with his kids. Honey and her son have been in the house. Jackie has been in the house and also another area that is just for me...which I will explain more. Di has been in the house but she did not live there like the others have. jackie of Detroit was in the house too but she did not live there either. And it is not like that others have lived there all at once. They have not.

I will have dream with the house and a certain person. Like when I was in Germany I had dream where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football. I have had dreams with Danny and I in bed. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom. Mistress DM in the living room reading and I come in with a tray with tea and such on it and serve her tea by kneeling before her. Morgan is in the house in things.....the vase of fresh cut flowers on the dining room table, a painting on the wall, a silk scarf draped over the bed post. She is in the house but I do not see her physical presence in the house.

I have a renovated barn on the property of the house and that is me. That is my art studio. It has all my books, little boxes, pictures, music and art things in it. There is 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until last summer when Jackie was here. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let someone in my studio. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was.

Anyway I have been dreaming of my house lately I feel it....but I cannot see it....remember it.

Hope is a waking dream ~ Aristotle

peace,
danae