House

I am not sure what I want to write. I feel kind of like I have evened out some in the last week. I am sure it has lots to do with the mental exercise that Mistress DM has me doing. I talked with SM on the phone yesterday. He has a nice voice. Yesterday was my day off and I just did absolutely nothing...no cleaning, no laundry, hardly no thinking about all the stuff I need to do this week for work. It was nice.

Thinking about past relationships, particularly Jim and my relationship. When I mentally and even verbally have ended it with him something happens after where it is almost like there was a weight lifted off of both of our shoulders and so we were able to relax and just be. I mean a good fun memory with Jim was him and I sitting on the living room floor listening to music and drinking some wine and going through our cd's to decide who got what cd. We were joking and having fun. But in that moment in time we had already decided we were done. Things seemed to get better for that time. But it did not last. I mean he knew who I was and where I wanted my life and that was not where he wanted his. So we knew it was wrong for us to be together at that time.

It is coming up on your 10 year anniversary....I need to write him and have some closure on things. Yes, I go through even still after 3 years of being divorced that I wonder if we could make it work now. But I know when I really feel it and think it....he never will accept ME. He never will accept me how I care for people and want to give them the shirt off my back and help people in need, he will never accept the dreamer and artist in me, he will never accept my sexuality, he will never accept my desire and need to be in a D/s relationship. So I need write my letter say what I need and walk away and let him do whatever he wants with it - ignore it or hear it. He has so much anger. It will be 2 years in November since I saw him. And he is still angry at me.

Something else I have been having roll around in my head is......

How we hang on to things.

I remember a time when I was staying with Jim (long story why I would stay with him) and I was about to go out to eat with Danny. And I was dressed in a short skirt and blouse with lots of cleavage, bra and panties and heels and I came out and he was sitting watching TV and he looked at me and he had that look that meant he was thinking something. I said "what" and he said "you look slutty." I, at that time, let that get to me. I got upset went to the bedroom and cried. I changed right away and called Danny and said I could not meet him and told him what Jim had said. Danny tried to tell me to not to listen to Jim. That was a beautiful sexy woman and that I was not scared to show that off. And it was Jim's own insecurities that made him lash out at me. Anyway I let Jim's words hurt me. Because at that time I believed being a slut was a bad thing. I believed showing off my cleavage and legs were bad. So my own insecurities stopped me from standing up to him also. A year later I visited. And I was on my way out to a KINK event. I was dressed in a short skirt, thigh highs, black lace up blouse, and heels. No bra - No panties. :) And he said "you are such a slut" and I said "yes I am and damn proud of it." :) And left that way. It is all how you feel about yourself. It took me so long to get comfortable with myself. I have emails and ims after seeing pictures of me saying you are fat or worse. And if I took and hung on to all those comments, I would not be a very happy person, probably lock myself in my bedroom. I would allow them to control how I view myself. And I am the only one who really matters when it comes to how I view myself - my looks, thoughts and beliefs.

Something that has been on my mind lately is a reoccurring dream I have....not always the same but....it has the same house in it. It is the house and myself that are the constant in the dream. The house is a normal house really. It has a living room, dining room, kitchen and family room are all one big room, an upstairs with bedrooms, and a basement with playroom *grin* and rec room. Anyway, I have had the dream over the years...with various people in the dream. Jim and I were in the house. Brian one of my first loves. Danny has been in the house with his kids. Honey and her son have been in the house. Jackie has been in the house and also another area that is just for me...which I will explain more. Di has been in the house but she did not live there like the others have. jackie of Detroit was in the house too but she did not live there either. And it is not like that others have lived there all at once. They have not.

I will have dream with the house and a certain person. Like when I was in Germany I had dream where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football. I have had dreams with Danny and I in bed. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom. Mistress DM in the living room reading and I come in with a tray with tea and such on it and serve her tea by kneeling before her. Morgan is in the house in things.....the vase of fresh cut flowers on the dining room table, a painting on the wall, a silk scarf draped over the bed post. She is in the house but I do not see her physical presence in the house.

I have a renovated barn on the property of the house and that is me. That is my art studio. It has all my books, little boxes, pictures, music and art things in it. There is 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until last summer when Jackie was here. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let someone in my studio. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was.

Anyway I have been dreaming of my house lately I feel it....but I cannot see it....remember it.

Hope is a waking dream ~ Aristotle

peace,
danae