Purple nipple ring

I am up because I cannot sleep....in too much pain with my monthly cycle. :(

After being at a BDSM group, about 15 of us got together after. It was nice. I then came home and went to bed.

I had not been to the group in a long time because of being in Europe and then work being so busy. Kam and JJ went with me. It was good to have them both there.

Tonight I was part of the evening, as I was asked to be a part of the submissive panel 6 submissives were on the panel and each gave a 5 minute talk and then afterwards people could ask us questions.

I did mine on basically finding that one.

First you need self esteem. I got this quote from www.bdsm-online.com "The buck stops with you. You are the only one who can determine your self-worth. The way you see yourself and the way others see you which in turns affects you. We all want acceptance, crave company and recognition. You can change your self-esteem by changing the way you think about you. You deserve self-esteem. You need self-esteem. Self-esteem is power. Only you can build it and it comes from first accepting you are responsible for you. No matter what has happened, no matter what has been done, no matter what has been said. You have the will power within you to accept, forgive, change and move on. You deserve the peace of mind. "

Know who you are and then seek it.

It's much the same as trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but with the added criterion that the person must be scene-compatible with you as well. Take your time and be a little choosy.

I talked about things that turn me off right away.....like talking about sex right away - asking for nude pictures. I want the person to approach me being real. If they cannot talk to me as they would in real life - meeting me for the first time then don't talk to me.

I forgot this part.....I wanted to talk about like attracts like. Remember that scene from the first of the "Rocky" movies when he walks the young girl home trying to explain to her if you hang with deadbeats you become a deadbeat, hang with idiots you become an idiot, hang with criminals you become a criminal etc...well in my experience that is pretty close to the mark. Like attracts like. And it is hard to move on because you won't have the strength to drag them with you when you make the decision to change. You have to need it. You have to take the risk.

So for me to attract what I need I need to start being with those that are like me. Real people.

Compatibility is the key to making a relationship work. And to me if the only thing you can talk about is D/s it is not good. If the only thing you have in common is D/s that will not keep the relationship together.

So I like to talk with people about real every day things books, movies, basic beliefs, and values such as loyalty - religion/God - children.

I was recently talking to a Dominant and I decided we did not have anything in common besides D/s and that he did not like to talk about anything but D/s and sex....so it was time to say good bye. He got further then some do because it seemed his basic beliefs in D/s were the same as mine. But after talking to someone I trust completely - who knew who he was - I realized that was not true. So I said good bye and he would not take good bye as an answer. He asked why I told him I did not feel that we had anything in common besides D/s and that I real every day life does not consist of just D/s. Yes, D/s to me can be in my life 24/7 but we do things that every vanilla person does....we enjoy books and movies and leisure activities and I want someone to enjoy those things with. He came back that he wanted to keep talking to me that he felt we had lots of things in common and I said no that I just did not think it was true. So he said let me ask you one question and I said okay fine one question and he said what is your favorite color. I said black and then purple. He asked me why I liked purple I said because as a little girl it always made me feel good. He said, "Well then good I have always wanted a slave whose nipple I could pierce and I will do that to you and you will wear a purple nipple ring so you can always feel good." I just started laughing as here he had brought it back into the sexual - D/s realm again.

People in this group do not get me. That is okay. I just have very different strong opinion on D/s for me.

One of the girl's who I am friends with on the panel did her talk on the submissive being responsible for her safety. I agree with that statement to a point. :) I mean we can go back to the doctor thing with me. I do not like doctors - I have needed to go to one for a very long time. It would have been nice if the Dominants I was with would have made it safe and taught me how to go to the Doctors without being so scared. On this issue I do not know how to be make it safe for me so the one who is in charge of me needs to take that responsibility - my opinion of course. But her and I got into it on the panel lol One of the examples she used was that the submissive is ALWAYS able to walk away. If things are not going good or not safe for her she can walk away - ask for release - leave - what not. And in the relationship I seek. I do not want that right. What I could not get across to her not having that right is safe to me. She said so what if things are not working. I said I would tell him I think this relationship sucks and you suck or whatever lol And I would express my opinion and after hearing and such he said you are staying then I would stay. She said then I was staying I was not being safe and not being responsible for my safety. What I could not get across to her is that is safe for ME. Not being able to leave without permission is safe. What really got her when we talked later - when she was talking with Kam and debating it - was when I said that the Master I ultimately give myself to will have the right to kill me if he wishes. I want him to own me....I want to have life for him and death for him. That is where people just look at me as though I have become an alien and am out of mind. What they do not get is I will know that person so well that I would give him that knowing he is going to want to keep this submissive around a long time to serve him, but ultimately if he decided he did not want me down the road he would have the right to sell me, release me or kill me. Scary huh....yes it is.

But that is the level of trust and submission I want.