Puzzle

Today was a busy day.

I left the house at 8am...after waking up with countless nightmares. Some so real and vivid I had to walk around the apartment to make sure I was really in the apartment since the nightmares took place in other places.

Anyway I had some work to finish up so Kam came with me, and then he and I went to breakfast. We talked at breakfast a lot about things in the past and his views on them. But I am still not "capable" of seeing it the way he sees it. We then ended up talking about a time with Todd. One morning Todd and I left each other after spending the night together and he told me the next time to be bringing him my art. Now anyone that is close to me knows I do not show my art to anyone. It is a fear. Fear.......just thinking of Todd's views on Fear and I understand why he made me do it - show my art.......more then one reason. Anyway, the next time I was seeing him was for lunch I think 2 days later. In between that time seeing him and that lunch - I had got myself in trouble. And so I was seeing him to get punished and soooo my mind was not on my art. But also part of me knows that subconsciously I forgot it because I like to forget about it - that it is part of me. I don't but I do, hard to explain. I look at the sketches and feel things and see things no one else probably sees but me. Todd did though. Di saw that too he saw it too. Sh*t....pms is not fun.

Anyway that night we - Todd and I - were meeting Di; it was the first time she was meeting him. And he told me that I would bring my art and now show Di too - at TGIF. And I panicked. He knew I did. He saw the walls go up. I tried to keep them down...I did. I beat up on myself for putting them up. I was trying hard to not have those walls with him. I wanted to be very exposed to him. Because I wanted to be complete with him.

Anyway I brought it that night. We ate and laughed and had a nice evening and then he said he was going to get my art and so we could talk about him but I instantly felt sick and begged him not do this. He did not back down. I went to the bathroom to get sick. And he went to the car. When I got back he was back with the art.

I cannot talk about this anymore. The rest is too personal for me. Strange huh? There were moments that night too special to explain. Moments in time that stood still. The look on his face...his touch as he held my hand telling me in that gesture you are going to be okay I am here.

So Kam and I talked about that. Kam of course thought it was a big risk making me do that. But I said it ended up okay. And it did.

After brunch/lunch with Kam, I went and met Di at the mall to shop. My mind was not all there as I was sooo tired from not sleeping last night. So then we were going to have drink and I was going to show her pictures from a party I went to last month. We went to the TGIF where Di had met Todd and I had to show my art. So it seemed to be up on the surface ALL day. We talked about that night. She liked watching him and I. The interaction between us...during that time.

Di had not met JJ yet and so we called her to have her come join her as I knew she must be needing to escape after having her family at her house all day lol And so JJ came up and met Di :) Di had to leave and get home to her family...so JJ and I then hung out there. I was out of it a little with her too. Just one of those days I guess. Oh when she came into TGIF - she kissed me. And Di said the guy at the table behind us almost choked lol

My only purchase today was the new Melissa Etheridge CD, which probably was not the best purchase for me to be making lol The song on the radio right now is "I want to be in Love" and I like the words to it. Of course that is why they were posted here. :) I am listening to the CD right now. All the songs right, I am relating to a lot. Melissa's long time partner left her. Her tour for this CD is called Live...and alone.

Wow all the songs....I relate too....right now goodnight is playing.....

I washed the dishes poured out the old wine
Called a new friend for the second time
It's not bad this brand new life
It's clean and it's sharp like a brand new knife

I pull up the covers and curl up tight
Turn down the sound turn off the light
Close my eyes and I quietly whisper
Goodnight

You're not here you're not even there
Out of my heart out of my hair
I can't roll away with this missing piece
You could only ever want what I could never ever be

How can I be okay if I'm pulling away
All the things that held together my life
All I want tonight is to touch you and kiss you
But I only wish you
Goodnight

Something I have tried to do.....and have for the most part....said goodnight. Last week I did SOO well went days without thoughts and such of him. And then PMS hit lol

Love...

I finished the Valkyries. I want to reread it again. There are so many parts of the book I want to type out and write about.

I have not done lessons learned the last couple weeks - been busy but also I am not sure what I am learning. This week I learned: I am learning faster when something is not good for me. Each day my want for love in my life is stronger.

Kam and I talked about that on Saturday. Something I told him Todd was right about.....Todd thought I needed to love and be loved. I do not allow people to love me...I love many people in my life but I do not let them get past a point. They can love me to a point and that is all I then let in. Kam did admit to me I was the most honest with Todd and he feels I would have let Todd love me. But Todd was not ready for that.

I wonder how long it is before he will not be a part of my vocabulary? Jim is still part of my words. And I have been divorced from him for 3 years. Do I want Todd to not be a part of my words? No, probably not as it seems too much a part of me to keep my love alive for them. I love them still. But that love has changed. It does daily. I mean last week - before PMS hit heavy on Friday - I was doing really good at changing that love to be in a new plane. There are different levels of relationships. And that one that I want close and special where not one else really is.... he had been there and I moved him now though.

I view Todd as a friend. I mean he does not want me as a friend right now and I feel he would say I am making assumptions. I am but he has also done some things to "give" me that message. And that is okay. The things that bother me about it have nothing to do with him. It is just how my feeling how friends treat each other why it bothers me. Anyway, right now I do not feel he is treating me as friends treat each other but if he came to me and said I need a friend. I would be there for him. Because of the love I have for him. That love has created feelings in me that just do not fade. Just like wench. I care for her lots and I am sure she does not feel it. But I do. But I had to change the level after I left her and her Master's home last year. I am just rambling but it is good maybe I will get to something that is really there....trying to break free. So Todd is moved to another level but he is not like on the level Di is but where Jim is...Jim is the same he could call me tomorrow and say I need you and I would be there for him. Sad thing with Jim is that I know it might not be returned. But more because it would be too hard on him. I can handle it - he can't because he still has so much anger. Something I still need to do and keep putting off is writing him.

I was thinking about my website - the extreme one - and I am going to change it. Love...is going to be a part of it. A page on Love. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to love without boundaries. That will throw all those that message or write me lol It is funny I can tell with in 3 lines of conversation if they have read just part or all of the site.

I want someone real and self-aware.

The other night I shared something with Mistress DM that I do not share with anyone. Kam, Honey, Jackie, Di and just a few other friends know about it. I hate talking about - I hate opening that door and seeing it. To me it is over and in the past and no more reason or need to talk about it. But Kam kept telling me I needed to talk to Mistress DM about it. Because there is no other way without the truth to explain some things. I told her I felt like giving her this info would probably snap a big puzzle together and put so many things in perspective about me. But I think maybe it made big holes in her puzzle of me. I saved the convo from that night and interpreted some things she said in ways...that were hmm negative...so I closed things off for a couple of days. She was going to call me tonight. And I feel she will say I did it purposely but I did not....I came home talked to Kam for a little while and then fell asleep on the couch he got me up and took me to my room to tuck me in. I then was asleep until about 12:30 and I laid there for the longest time and tried to go back to sleep and then finally got up at 1:30 I think. I was just so tired. I have not slept good for I cannot even remember when the last time it was that I slept good. So I am sure she tried to call and I was asleep. :(

It is almost 4am. I have been writing and then stopping....reading things on the web, writing emails, listening to the new CD over and over.....

It is almost 4am and what would I like right now.....to have a conversation with someone. Just talk…signed on yahoo to see if anyone was there....that Dom that would have made me disappear is there. Thoughts of that still sound appealing. As then I would not have to worry about anything.

I need to decide what I am going to talk about for Saturday night. I need to mail a package. I need to pick up those pictures on Tuesday. :) I have lots of little things to be doing now and this week. I had talked about going to dinner on Monday night with someone and forgot I had and A had mentioned meeting on Monday. I was suppose to be thinking of something for A and I have a little bit but not much, I have been to busy.

Hmmmmm babbling on and on....

I should go to bed....

Or try at least....

Goodnight......

peace and serenity,
danae