Milestones

Twenty years in the lifestyle this month. I have been kinky longer than 20 years, but I found words for who I am 20 years ago. I remember doing a search online and stumbling upon an AOL bulletin board for submissives. I read threads and nodded along to many things said. I decided shortly after I wanted to know more. I sought out everything I could - discussions groups, books and offline and online community. Eventually I found many groups, but there was 2 groups I consider my home groups: SMART which is still around in Cleveland, Ohio. It has grown so much.  I am really proud of them and all the amazing education they do and bringing community together.  The other group isn't around anymore, but they were called Carpe Diem and they were based out of Akron. They were really good at making everyone feel so welcome and it did feel like home because it was so comfortable.

Those groups as well as many other groups and events across the country - have helped me grow and learn in these last 20 years. I have met amazing people and learned so much about myself. Twenty years in and I am still as passionate about the lifestyle.  Still passionate about being a slave. Of course there has been ups and downs, but all these years it has still been a part of my being to be a slave and connect with other like minded kinky people.   

Thirteen years of blogging about my life. The end of October, I passed 13 years of blogging about my life.  I have went through ups and downs. I have struggled to figure out who I was and come to a place of peace and acceptance being a his slave. I have posted emotional vomit, deep thoughts, drama filled, silly, bouncing all over, daily life, sex, SM, life as a slave, things that caught my eye, made me think, and amused me. But I wrote to keep growing and learning about myself and be true to me.

My posting habits have fluctuated over the years.  I used to post quite a lot - looking down at the archives on the sidebar - you can see a number behind each year/month.  In 2002, I had the highest number of posts - 420.  In 2010, I had 30.  Early on in blogging, I was trying to figure out what I wanted and who I was because after breaking things off with Kam I felt lost. Now my life is in a place where I always wanted it, so I don't blog as much. It doesn't always occur to me write when I am living this life I dreamed about for years.

I have known from day one of putting things out on the internet - I would get negative comments and people who didn't agree with me and when you post on the internet you need to know that.  It helped me grow though hearing those other views. Seeing things from a different point of view often helped me clarify my own even more. It has been a huge learning and growing experience for me and so glad I have kept up with it for 13 years here on blogger.  

Eleven years being owned by Master on February 1st.  11 years ago Master and I stood on a busy street in Denver and he reached in his pocket, took out a heavy hardware chain and lock, slipped it around my neck, and locked it in place. No words were exchanged.  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes and the unspoken words claimed me as His property. There was no words asking me if I would be his slave. No words of asking for consent.  It was just a knowing of yes this is right for us and claiming me right there.

I remember I did not touch at first because I knew if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there. Later in the car Master told me to touch it and the tears started flowing in the realization of it - the meaning of it and that I was really owned by him.  I had felt enslaved to him before that moment, but that moment made it real for me. No denying it.

Eleven years later, I am still His just as I was that day. Each year just seems better and stronger.  Feeling incredibly blessed to serve and love him. I look forward to each day with him. I love how we explore our dreams and fantasies together all while keeping our feet grounded in reality. It has been an amazing journey and I look forward to seeing it unfold in the years to come.  

Ten years of withinReality.com. We are celebrating 10 years of having our website in March.  As of the 1st of February, I am moving my blog to our website. Some of my writing from this blog will move over there, but some will stay here. I won't be deleting this blog. I will be posting highlights every so often so that you can come visit me over on withinReality.com.  Master is also moving his blog over there.  Eventually Destiny might blog over there too. She is new to the lifestyle so I think it is a good perspective to add to our views.

I love my life. I am extremely passionate about the lifestyle and being a slave. Writing is an outlet to express that passion. So I will hopefully be blogging about it many more years. I look forward to writing and sharing many of them. I am always changing and growing and my blog has helped me in that journey over the years and know it will continue to help me in that as I pass many more milestones.

Please head over to withinReality.com to not only read our blog, but see essays on the lifestyle and learn more about us. We will also be doing some giveaways in 2014 to celebrate our website turning 10 years so please make sure to check out the blog in March for that announcement. I want to thank everyone who has supported me here at this blog and hope you will follow me to the new blog on within Reality.

Blogoversary

I have been blogging 13 years today. 

Here is my first blog entry....October 27, 2000

Blogger Here I Come...

This is my first post to my blogger...woohoo lol

I created a new name for myself today and so with that step into a new direction...I decided to creat this blogger and start posting my thoughts, rants, raves and whisperings.

I created a new name that fits me better then I think any other name has - Danae. There is a painting by Gustav Klimt titled Danae. I have been drawn to it for years. Here is a link to a picture of the painting: http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~dbi9m/klimt/pix/Women/pDanae.jpg

I did a search trying to find out what the painting meant...Who Danae was....And I found out that she is the mother of Perseus in Greek Mythology. When doing a search on Danae I came up with a site that told the meaning of names...and it had Danae listed.

It is what made me see that the name Danae was meant for me....

Here is what it read:
The name of Danae gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

Those above words describe me almost too well.....

So today I created the name Danae and start a new path....

Good Night...

peace & serenity,
danae

I'm Shy

I am shy.  Not sure all people that read this blog or know me in person - actually have recognized this about me.  I am a very shy person.  I have some social anxiety before going out into a group of a people and needing to be social.

I love being social and need it in my life to feel balanced. When I lived in Cleveland, I had a great group of friends and we did things on our own weekly almost, but we also had BDSM community stuff to do weekly. But even then - with those extremely good friends, I still had anxiety before going out and being social.  It is less than if meeting complete strangers, but still there.

When we are walking into a group of people I don't know, I am also extremely quiet.  I will speak and interact, but I probably won't leave Master's side.  But if you hear me with friends, I am laughing, joking, talking and interacting. But you know what, I probably still won't leave Master's side.  He becomes my anchor when anxieties rear their ugly head. 

I know some people take that shyness to be arrogance or aloofness, but honestly it is just me being nervous about speaking.  I am quite opinionated even though shy. So when I do speak up, it can come across as arrogant because I might not have spoke much before that.  I am so freakin nervous when speaking in a group of people that it probably comes out blunt or harsh because I just want to get the thought out of my head and be quiet again.

Public speaking adds a whole new ball of mess to the mix of emotions.  Anxiety of course is heightened.  The very first time I did public speaking for the BDSM community - I literally got up there wearing a corset type top that my cleavage was spilling out of and said look at my boobs don't listen to me as I am a nervous wreck.

You know there is that saying...."Be kind to everyone because you never know the battle they are fighting."  I so get that one.  I know a lot of people who meet me would never know that I am shy or have social anxieties. They would just brush it off as arrogance or being aloof.  Thankful for those that actually get to know me.

*icon from artist - Riikka Sormunen

Intro

Recently I have had to do introduction several times as Master and I have been venturing out in our local BDSM community as it is growing.

So thought I would share a little longer version of it here too...

I am danae. I am in a Master/slave relationship and have been owned by Master for 10 years. I am wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been kinky since the first time I became sexually active at 16. The first boy I had sex with we played with spanking and him tying me up and then eventually had sex with while tied up. From there each of my intimate relationships had some kind of D/s dynamic and kink in them, but not the words for what we were doing.

When I was 27 and married, I explored online for some information on anal sex, but happened upon a bulletin board on AOL for submissive women.  I read many threads and felt my head nodding along with many things said.  I then told my husband about it and BDSM. I explained that many things we did in our relationship resembled BDSM in and out of the bedroom.  As soon as I named it though - things went downhill.  He developed guilt for beating me - spanking, slapping, grabbing or anything we did before all of sudden became very sinful and wrong to him.

My husband and I had problems before I named this dynamic that we developed in our years of being married. Eventually those problems, some issues I had, and the problems of him feeling like I was a freak for being submissive became too big to ignore, so I left.

I moved to Ohio from Kansas in with a poly household and became a slave to the Master of the household. My time in the household was hard, but a learning experience. I was active in the Ohio BDSM community and out to almost everyone there. It was very hard moving here - to a smaller town without much of a community, but it was so worth it to serve Master. 

Master and I met through a mutual friend. She gave him my name as she thought we might be well matched. He contacted me and pretty much from that first email - I was falling.  So thankful to our friend for realizing we would be a good match.  It has been an amazing journey, I have taken with him.

I am a long time blogger - blogging about my life and thoughts/beliefs of the lifestyle. I also have a group on FetLife devoted to Domestic Servitude and a blog that goes with it.

19 Years

Today we met some like-minded people for coffee and we were asked how long we have been in the lifestyle. When the words of how long I have been in the lifestyle came out, honestly I felt old. I have been in the lifestyle a long time now. I  remember when it was 7 years coming out of my mouth in Ohio and it sounded so long. But now....wow I have been enjoying kink since I was 16. I have had elements of kink and D/s in all my intimate relationships since then, but didn't really have a name for it until 1994. In 1994, I found words for what it was and became more active in BDSM. Now it is 2013 so that means I have been doing this for 19 years.  I said 20 today because I was thinking I was 25 or 26 years old, but  I came home and started looking through old journals to figure it out and I was actually 27 years old. 

So in this time, I have spoken at a variety of meetings, groups and events about being a slave.  I have been published by Power Exchange Books.  I have been expressing my thoughts on this blog since 2000. I lived in a large poly household as a slave for several years.  And last, but not least I have been owned by Master for 10 years. Looking at all that....I am not sure how it makes me feel, but I do know I  feel I am always growing and learning even though I have been doing this a long time.  

Many things have changed over the years. But life is about learning and growing to me so I am thankful that I am still here and still thinking, writing, and discussing. Setting goals and moving towards them. Exploring and discovering new ways and new perspectives. I think is it amazing to have had the opportunity to do so much, see so much, experience so much and still keep seeing and learning. I hope that part of me never dies. 

30 Days of Kink - Day 3

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I am not sure how I discovered I was kinky. The reason being at first I didn't have words for what it was I was doing. I thought it was what other people did too. 


Well...though...if we started way back -  when I was a little girl I loved having boys tie me up. Playing that I was kidnapped by them.   Growing up reading - I always loved the bodice rippers that the damsel in distress was kidnapped and forced by the rugged rouge and ends up falling madly in love with him after he has taken her.  


The first time I had consensual sex at 16 with my boyfriend, I was tied up and spanked.  When I was 18, I was owned but didn't really have the word Master/slave or BDSM.  He told me I was his to do with what he wanted. He told me I would do whatever he asked of me.  And I did.  We engaged in heavy SM and really it was a M/s or Owner/property type dynamic but without the labels.  


I then married my high school sweetheart and although we had some of a partnership from the outside.  It was more of me deferring to him.  We engaged in kink in the bedroom.  And outside of the bedroom I was his wife who served him and obeyed him. He told me to do something I did it.   


I discovered there were words for what we engaged in when I was married.  I wanted to have anal sex and we tried a few times but it was just too painful.  I wasn't ready to give up so  when we got hooked up to the world wide web  - I decided one afternoon to search for anal sex tips so that it would make it easier for us.  My ex-husband was on the verge of saying lets not try again -because he felt he hurt me too much so I really wanted to find something that would help us get past the initial pain and enjoy it.  I did find something - not sure what it was exactly but it worked.  After that, we loved having anal sex  though.  And it was also while searching for anal sex tips that I found a bulletin board for submissives.   There had been a thread on how to please your Master by taking it in the ass. But I read many other threads on the board and was nodding along with many of them - going wow this is how I feel.  I was surprised to see a lifestyle attached to words I had lived in my relationships.   


So I printed off stuff and gave it to my husband to read.  He was freaked out at first and then he calmed down a bit and we started to have a relationship that was leaning even further into the dynamic we had established naturally as husband and wife.  Eventually though...my husband felt it was "wrong" and that being kinky was too freaky.  That I was a freak for wanting this.  It really hurt our relationship discovering the "labels" to our relationship.  


We had other issues too but eventually we divorced and I sought out M/s dynamic.  I knew I didn't want to live without it in my life.  


Previous answered questions

30 Days of Kink - Day 1

I am going to do the 30 day of Kink that I saw go around on the blogosphere quite a while ago.  I am going to be very irregular in when I  post them, but  I hope to do at least 2 a month but it might be more or it might be less. :)


Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?   Basically define your kinky self for us.

Owned girl wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been Master's property for 9 years. 10 years will be in February 2013. 


I say wired because I can look back into my life and see that these things in my life that point to service and obedience to authority in my life.  I feel I am sexually submissive because I become more submissive just after being used sexually. I obey and I submit always to Master, but after sex it is easier for me.  After being beat, it is easier for me. I don't let my mind step in and start to trip me up  - where if we hadn't had sex and I am out of that sexual mindset then my mind sometimes starts to get in my way. I always obey, I always serve and submit, but mentally and emotionally it is harder for me. 

Mixed Bag

Yesterday I was cleaning out a trunk we have in the bedroom but really doesn't get used except to have a quilt draped over it and to deposit clothes after wearing them.  Anyway, I am spring cleaning so decided to open the trunk and see what we had in there exactly and it was the most eclectic mix  bag of things that I found...

• a card from a friend in Ohio - that was from my going away party when I was moving to be with Master
• purses - I am not allowed a purse except for rare occasions. When I moved here, Master made me get rid of all my purses except like 5 of them - and I had a HUGE bin full of them. It was hard to whittle it down to just a handful. 
• a pin that used to blink that says "It's all about me"
• a business card of my attorney in Ohio - when my logo was flashed on the news I went to see to make sure I wasn't going to be getting in trouble
• a receipt from when Master and I met in Cheyenne when I was moving here. He met me there as I was nervous about traveling through mountains so he was basically going to guide me in to Colorado. So we met in Cheyenne - on May 9th, 2003 and when I had left in the morning from my stop in Nebraska it was sunny and warm. Just beautiful spring weather and when I got to Cheyenne in my short skirt and sandals - I had to dig out warm clothes as I was walking through INCHES of thick fluffy snow.  But the reason for the receipt was that I got a flat tire and just made it to the hotel. Master and I then took it to a tire place in the morning as I had something in the tire so they patched it. 
• mix tapes from high school - so 80's music
• old floppy disks - that I believe have naked or at least scantily clad photos of myself
• and last but not least my very first vibrator. It was hard plastic with rubber sleeves. I only have the one sleeve that is on it and I know it doesn't work anymore but I guess I had problems throwing it out. Master said we should put up a little shrine for it with a candle in front of it.  

Versatile Bloggers

I was nominated by several blogs for the Versatile Blogger award. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all who nominated me and who read.

Part of the the award was to name 7 things about yourself and then nominate others. I am not nominate others because 1) it is hard to do without feeling I am leaving out someone fabulous 2) I think most people in the blogsphere have been nominated so I would just be naming them again :)

So just doing the 7 things about myself...
1. I am Harry Potter fan - no I should say I am addicted to Harry Potter. No that might not seem like a big deal but I just became a Harry Potter fan within the last 6 month.  Master has for the last 8 years been trying to get me to just watch the first movie and I said I didn't think I was interested. This was something yes he could have made me and at one point started too but other things interrupted it.  So I saw the interview Oprah did of JK Rowlings and then I decided I might want to read the books.  So when Deathly Hallows was coming out on DVD I said to Master that we should start watching them. I instantly loved them. I have read all the books and now watched all the movies so many times I can almost tell you the lines word for word.  I can't go a week without watching a movie or reading a book or I goon withdrawal. I addicted to Harry Potter.

2. I used to drink Diet Coke and now I am a Coke Zero fan

3. I am going to probably be with a woman again soon and I haven't been in 10 years and it scares the heck out of me as well as excites me to no end!

4. I feel like my body is betraying me in ways. I still feel as sexual as I always have thank goodness but  I am having a lot of pre-menopause symptoms that are causing some things to happen that aren't that fun. As much as I don't like my period and the migraines that come with them - I am not sure these peri-menopause symptoms are doing anything good for my emotional and mental health as well as physical.

5. I met some very wonderful people in 2011 - katie and her Master and then a couple that we jokingly say stalked Master and I and now live not to far and are good friends. I am so thankful for meeting both of couples. They are amazing and such good friends. I wish katie and her Master lived closer as I know Master and I would enjoy getting together with them more often.  We thought we might get together with them one more time before the year was up but that didn't happen.

6. I used Feria haircolor for the first time. I love it.  It covered better and lasted longer then any other dye I have done.

7. I am Joss Whedon fan but just recently watched The Dollhouse. I liked it.  As with all his series except Buffy, it didn't go on long enough.

March Questions: Virginity

How did you lose your virginity? Details please!

Well if you have read back far enough in this journal (and I hope many of you have not as I was so neurotic) - it hints or barely talks about that I didn't lose my virginity consensually. So I usually don't count it as losing my virginity. What I do consider when I lost my virginity....was with the boy I consider my first real boyfriend* when I was 16, Jeff, and I started off with some D/s and SM -- I tried to please him even though I did not realize that was what I was doing. And then he and I were playful when we made-out. He spanked me a few times and I got very wet and turned on. He noticed. When it came time for us to have sex -- first time I had (consensual) sex -- he asked me if he could handcuff me to his bed and I nodded yes. And after that our sex included me being tied up, handcuffed and usually spanking or some type of resistant play was involved.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

* I say first real boyfriend because it was a boy who actually came to pick me up on dates. Where as in jr. high I "went with" boys and you know it was group dates or meeting them at the movie theater or pizza hut or whatever. And then it was also just kissing a light petting. My first real boyfriend it felt more serious and more overtly sexual.

March Questions: Dying + Love

Are you afraid of dying?
Yes and no. I say that because it depends on the day you ask me. Today not especially. Most days though I am afraid of dying. I have lived a life full of so many experiences but at the same time I feel like I have a lot more to do with my life. So I get scared I might not get the chance.


How many times have you fallen in love?
5 times. I love easily though - although I don't consider falling in love and loving the same. I also don't believe just because someone has left my life that I stop loving them. Such as my ex-husband...I fell in love with him and still love him today. I actually probably still think about him daily because I care about him so much. I have many friends in Ohio that I love and haven't seen them since 2004 but that love hasn't faded at all.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Questions: Blogging

Why do you blog? Why has your blog posts slowed over the years?

I blog really just to stay true to myself by writing my thoughts. And hopefully by looking back on my life to learn from the mistakes. I also blog just to keep track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember.

When I first started blogging, I wasn't in an Owner/property relationship. I was struggling, searching and just trying to find out what exactly I wanted. So I BLOGGED a lot! Blogging to figure it all out.

Now I am living that life I was searching for so I am more busy serving than writing. I also have blogged for so long it just feels like I have said the same thing over and over. And the same things I still read in other blogs. So...why repeat it all. Sometimes in the moment I feel the need but if I get time to think about it - then I often delete the post just because it is a repeat.


March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Question Month

Okay okay I know I got tons of ideas for the 10 minute writings and then I haven't done any yet. I am planning on doing them though. I just have been super busy so not even 10 minutes to sit down and write. There are many things I enjoy falling to the way side. I am even more out of touch with friends then I was and I was out of touch before so you know it is getting bad. I hope to find a way to juggle everything better.

ANYWAY....it is that time of year....



Here are the rules ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments, over on LJ, on tumbler(you can ask anonymously there too) or via email. Comments on LJ are screened so no one else will see them. And tumblr works the same so that the question just gets sent to me and no one else sees it.

Please feel free to ask as many questions as you want. I always enjoy the questions and am fairly open about my life - so ask about anything.

Thank you Violet Blue

I am terribly flattered that Violet Blue has visited my tumblr and recommended it to her readers. If you don't know her, please go check out her blog. She is one of those people that I am sure if I ever met I would be doing a fangirl squee as she is a notorious sex educator that I have read and admired for years.

As she said on the post about my tumblr, I do try to credit. If you find an image there that isn't credited and you recognize, please feel free to let me know by emailing me at danaewhispering@yahoo.com. I do really want to promote and recognize the talented people who turn me on! Also if you find an image that is yours and you don't want it posted here, please feel free to email me - I will take it down as soon as I get your email.

So thank you Violet Blue for recommending my tumblr and welcome to all the visitors she has sent my way...to my blog and my tumblr.

My Tumblr

Just a FYI...I have been trying to post random adult photos I find/enjoy on my tumblr again and I hope to keep that a daily to at least several times a week thing.

Words...Part 5

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Slavery - The meaning of slavery for me hasn't changed really over the years but the understanding of it has a lot. For me being a slave means to be owned and under the authority of another. What all that entailed I don't think I got until being with Master. I mean my previous long term M/s relationship really introduced me to service. But it really didn't give me an understanding of being owned at least not in this sense it has with Master. Master has this presence in my life that makes me feel as though this life is inescapable. Not that I want to escape but it is just the feeling of having no other choice but to serve and obey...to be his property. I didn't quite feel that before - in the other relationship...it was a conscious choice to obey, serve and stay.

Basement-Dweller - The lovely lady that gave me these words and her handsome husband gave me shelter in more ways then just being their basement-dweller. I am ever grateful for their compassion and generosity to open their home to me. Although I was going through a horrible time - depression eating me away big time - I still have many fond memories of living with them.

Depression - I really can look back and see it ever present in my life. Even 4 years old I remember having it. Although I had many happy times and good memories there was that ever presence underneath that didn't see anything good. It also runs in my family - back several generations it can be traced.

I didn't get help for my depression though until in my mid-20's. I was put on prozac and it was a horrible experience. I mean yes it helped me come up out of the darkness but it turned all my emotions off. I remember my Mom calling me to tell me one of her Aunt's died and I was just like "okay." I didn't get upset or feel anything. It also messed with my sexuality too - making me not ever be interested in sex and when we had sex - it was hard for me to orgasm. I went off them about 4 years later and feel I have had long term side-affects because of the prozac. Memory loss from it being the biggest thing.

Several years ago - I was having a really bad run of the depression. I started taking wellbutrin. Master saw an improvement in almost a weeks time. And I haven't had the horrible side-affects. I feel my emotions but they don't drag me all over the place or hang on and on and on. And it didn't turn my sexuality off - thank goodness!

When I went back to visit family, I was very annoyed by their judgment of anti-depressants. My Dad encouraged my Mom to stop taking her anti-depressant. He doesn't want her "addicted" to them. I tried to give my Mom another example for it - she is diabetic and I said do you think he would tell you to go off your diabetic meds so you don't get addicted to them? She said she understood but I could see she really was thinking it wasn't the same thing. They don't view depression as the same as having another disease. Depression is all my head - not real and not really physical illness. They think if I really tried I could "get better." Luckily - as an adult now I don't give a damn what they think. And I can say that. I can say that I will be on meds as long as I need them. They help me and it is a better quality of life with them then without.

Happiness - I think for a long time I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. That there was something bad or wrong with me so I didn't get to be happy. I also think I thought happiness was something different then I view it now. I think I thought happiness was a state of feeling good and everything being smiley. But obviously that isn't a state of being that can be maintained all day everyday - so not realistic. Basically I now view happiness as a state of contentment with myself and my path. And that I have that thankfully.

Integrity - I think a lot of people throw this word around as part of their "code" but don't really do what it means. I don't use this word when I describe things I live by. And it isn't because I don't think I have integrity. I just think it is a word that is used and not lived so it doesn't have as much meaning to me anymore.

Words...Part 4

Some more words....

Artistic - As a little girl, I would draw, cut, paste, paint...just create in anyway allowed. And it is one thing that I have always felt I would have in my life no matter what. Because it was just hard to ignore it. But I did push it aside for people in my life. And I regret that I allowed that to happen. I am thankful for Master nudging me back into it. And grateful for his encouragement and support of artistic side.

Girly - (Another) As a little girl, I loved to dress in skirts. I wore pants but preferred skirts or dresses. And if I did wear pants - I still looked girly in pinks and purple, ribbons in my hair...just several little things giving that girly touch. And so through the years that really didn't change. Now I often though I do girly in different ways - to feel sexy and feminine. Red satin and lace often make me feel very girly and sexy.

I can get dirty or messy but I don't like most of the time. I have to be in the right mood or frame of mind. Like going out to do yard work I know I will get dirty. Taking a day trip where we might stop and walk around in the wilderness - I know I might be clomping around on a dirt trail. But if I am out and about doing errands and step in a puddle or drip something on my blouse - I can't stand it. I am one of those girls that doesn't leave the house without make up. If I am going into a store or out around people, then I need a least a little make up on - some mascara and lip gloss at the minimum.

Enthusiastic - I am not sure I would characterize myself as enthusiastic. I tend to throw myself into new projects so maybe get a little excited about them. Or maybe I do get enthusiastic of course about things that I am passionate about. And a couple of things are my friends, the lifestyle and my art. I am sure there are other things but those are the first things that came to mind.

Strength - Sometimes I see my strength and other times I don't see it at all. I am sure it is like that for most people. I know I have gotten through some tough time and know my strength helped me get through those times. But I also think I have a strength in my slavery. I have a strength that I didn't have before Master. I strength of awareness in who I am.

Individuality - Again not sure it is a word I would use to describe myself. I know that by leading the life I do - it isn't something a lot of people would do/enjoy and I also know that how I do it isn't something a lot would enjoy. But it works for me. But the main reason I wouldn't use this word for myself is because I am so intertwined with Master. It often feels like I am not an individual.

Words...Part 3

Some more words....there will be a few more posts of these too...I like them as they give me something to write about when my brain isn't working because of a long migraine cycle....

domestic - I think that if you would have asked me I would enjoy being domestic 20 years ago I would have said no way. Then 10 years ago I would have said umm maybe with the thought that I might have been crazy. When I became Master's 6 years ago, we discussed right away me being a stay-at-home slave and serving him domestically. And it did make me nervous. When I was in the poly household in Cleveland - I started out very good in domestic service. But then taking care of 6 people ended up stressing me and burning me out. Especially people who would spill kool-aid on the floor and not think about cleaning it up but leaving it for me hours or days later when I found it. So I gave up. And so that made me nervous when going to try it for Master but from the start - seeing how it helped him and pleased him made me feel good. Now at times it is just cleaning the toilet. I still know it helps that I do those things but I don't get that overjoyed feeling I had at the beginning very often. Now it is just cleaning the toilet. :) Not that is a bad thing. I think that those everyday things do add something to my life not matter the feeling in the moment. Right now despite all the talk I do on domestic things - it still is a struggle for me to balance with Master working at home. But I keep trying. And I guess that matters. Also right now with I think of the word domestic...I think of my Domestic Servitude blog. I am really enjoying the contributions of my co-bloggers. And I am enjoying shaping it - hopefully into something useful.

thoughtful - Well I take this as two things....thoughtful as in caring towards people and thoughtful as giving things great thought such as when I think about my M/s beliefs, spiritual beliefs and most everything in my life I try to give great thought to. The first thoughtful...I know that because I hold many people at arms length - I am sure don't come across as a thoughtful person at time. But I try hard to be thoughtful other people and what is going on with them. I am empathetic as well as sympathetic. And try to be there giving support and understanding to those that need.

hoods - Before I became Master's the thought of being in a hood didn't appeal to me. It scared me frankly. I didn't think I would like them.....but...Master of course changed that. He really worked me slowly into them to make them something I now crave and want to go further in. I am really happy he made it such a positive experience for me because now I can't imagine not playing with hoods. He likes them for different reasons then I do. He likes them because they are more objectifying. I like them because everything goes quiet. I slip into a floaty state almost instantly with them. Pictures of me in various hoods here.

pigtails - I associate pigtails with my little girl side. They make me feel like playing with dolls, coloring, watching Disney movies and snuggling with Daddy. Since getting my hair cut the last time I haven't been able to get it into a pony tail or pigtails. But just recently I now can get in a little pony tail and pigtails are no problem! yay!

redhead - My hair is naturally brown. I started dying my hair back when I lived with Caveman and Angel. I mostly did kind of a dark burgundy purplish color. But I had always wanted to be a redhead. Even as a little girl - redheaded girls always turned my head for more reasons then just wanting their hair color :) Morgan was a redhead...stunning redhead where people stopped and starred at her. Anyway, I always wanted to be a redhead so when I moved to be with Master and he told me he liked redheads so when I went to dye my hair the next time I asked him if he wanted me to do red and he said yes. So pretty much from then I have been a redhead - with occasional odd color thrown in such as magenta.

Words....Part 2

Princess - Princess is very much part of my little girl side. I like the things that associated with being a princess - shiny, tiaras, pretty pink, twirly skirts and glitter. And I just like Princesses...especially Belle from Beauty in the Beast. And Master indulges my princess side quite a lot. And I am very thankful he allows me to his princess. "I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us." ~ The Little Princess

Laughter - "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ~e.e. cummings
This is going to be kind of random...
* Master makes me laugh daily. He is very funny so makes me laugh quite a bit. And I am thankful for that laughter in our relationship.

* The other night I was reading book 9 of the Stephanie Plum series and I started to laugh so hard that I woke up Master. But I couldn't stop laughing the scene I was reading was so funny that I was shaking the bed. Master threatened to take the book away from me. For those curious of the scene it is Lula on her all meat diet and she is being chased by the dogs.

* I smiled with this word because I associate laughter with the person that gave me these words. Because when her and I talk we laugh often. And I am very thankful for her friendship and that she makes me laugh!

Hearth - "The ordinary arts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest." ~ Thomas Moore

Hearth the symbol for home life. But for me also now a symbol of domestic service. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a big city girl living her dream of being an artist. Not married. Hearth and home weren't parts of my growing up dream. When I got married, then that nesting instinct kicked in for me. But it is Master who has really allowed me to explore my love of all things Hearth and Home. When I became Master's, he really liked the idea of having me at home. I was worried it wouldn't be satisfying. But really it was from the start. I could see how much Master enjoyed it and so for me it became even more of a draw. Being of domestic service to me is not just about keeping the house clean, it is also about creating a haven for for Master. It is my hope that his home is a place to retreat and rest from the pressures of the hectic outside world.

Mouse - "Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light." ~ Dorothy Thompson

Mouse equals fear for me. I don't like to see mice in movies, commercials, photos....I don't like rubber mice...or cat toys that look like mice....the thought of mice....writing about them as I am....will make me jumpy the rest of the day and possible nightmares. That is how scared of mice I am.

When I was just a little girl of 2 or 3, we lived in a house that had mice, mice mice every where. Yes I know it is odd that I remember something from that little - I think because it was so scary to me that it stuck. It was rental house as my dad was transferred quite a bit those first years of working with the company he works with even to this day. The house had a dirt cellar. One that could be accessed from the inside of the house but also from outside cellar doors. Our house backed fields...thus we had lots of field mice in our house. When we would play on the floor, the mice would be running around the edges of the living room. When my Mom would open cupboards, they would sitting there. When I slept, they at times ran over me. When I opened my drawers, they jumped out at me.

So I am very scared of them...even after all these years. Logic doesn't seem to play into it - I am bigger them....yeah that is true but even as typing this and thinking of them I shivered. It doesn't matter that I am bigger then them. It doesn't matter that they are probably "more" scared of me then I am of them (I doubt that they are though). I know they are teeny tiny. I don't like them. I am scared of them. It is irrational that I still have this fear after all these years.

Here is my account of when we had mice and then Master's which is funnier. And reading both and retelling the story I can laugh about it but believe me - last night when we came home and Caesar was acting weird - I came running to Master to protect me. (No mouse not sure why he was acting weird.)

Muse - “The muse ushers the artist into the empty room and points silently at the tightrope.” - Jean Cocteau

My muse for my art sometimes feels like that....especially after not creating in a while and getting back into it. It is like I am going to have to walk a tightrope. It feels scary and almost too scary to try again. I walk to it and look down seeing all the things that can go wrong or are wrong. I see all the fears - hearing that voice inside that says..."why even bother it isn't good anyway"...."how can you call yourself an artist - you are lying to everyone and especially yourself." I wish I could accept my muse as is and not allow the voices to over shadow it.

I don't feel that the muse only comes to me with art. But also I feel it in other areas of my life. Mostly in domestic service...or just service in general. I don't always act on it though and that bothers me. But again it goes to that tightrope thing. I get scared I am going to fail. Or that how can I call myself a service slave and so on.

Words....Part 1

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Beautiful - I know why she picked this word. But not sure I agree with her. :) I have many beautiful things in my life...living in such a beautiful place...Colorado is just breath taking, roses sitting here on my desk from Master that he got me just because, art, the rain, friends and family and love. Many more beautiful things in my life.

Captive - Master always says I am his willing captive. My first months with Master, I felt like a captive (willing) because my clothes were locked up, my id and so many things that say freedom were taken away. And many of those things are still in place. Yes nothing tangible is stopping me from walking out the door. But there are things inside that make it feel like I can't and that is all that matters to me.

Polyamorus - Poly is one of those things that has just always felt natural to me. As a little girl I drew floor plans for houses that had more then one bedroom for the "wives." I don't know where I got idea that a person could have more than one wife as I was never exposed to anything like it. I would dream up stories to go along with the floor plans - dream of stories of the people that lived there. And it was always good feelings of cooking together with other co-wives and laughing. Just lots of love and laughter in the house. So when I was exposed to poly within the BDSM community - I really didn't blink or think twice about it being right for me. Because I knew it was right for me. It has always been very easy for me to give love - unconditional love. I know what we seek is really hard to find. We live in a smaller town so finding that "special" someone that feels right and good in our life is really like finding a needle in a haystack. But it doesn't make me want to give up.

Vulnerable - Definition of vulnerable is susceptible to criticism, susceptible to physical or emotional injury. And I know my lifestyle does leave me susceptible to criticism. For the most part I ignore it. Every once in a while it bugs me though. And yes hurts my feelings. But since reading over my archives the last week - I can say without a doubt I am not as vulnerable as I once was. I just feel I don't expose myself as I once did because frankly I am not as screwed up as I once was....back then it was easier to hurt me since there were so many open wounds to poke.

Generous - I have a big heart that cares very easily about people, causes...life. So I tend to give a lot. Since being Master's though I know I hold more people at arms length and don't give as much of myself or my time. I give what I can and hope that everyone understands - it is the best I can do.


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These words were from Master...

DVDs - Master and I are both pretty obsessive about movies. We have over 500 DVD titles. When I work (coding websites, creating graphics or doing art), I need noise so even just listening to a movie is a good thing. It helps me move faster for some reason. Something I do though that Master doesn't do is - I get stuck on a movie or tv series. Such as recently Master bought me Sex and the City and I have been watching it OVER and OVER and OVER.

hip/chic/contemporary - Obviously he cheated giving me multiple words as one pick but he is Master so....I won't point that out to him. :) But I did have to ask Master what he meant by these words. Because I don't associate myself with them at all. He does though. So I get why he gave them to me - many things I like and enjoy fit those words. But I am such a weird person because I seem to like so many different styles - be it fashion, decorating and even when cooking. Because I like so many different styles - I think is why I don't feel the words fit me.

Just a few different kitchen designs I like...







I took a quiz about my decorating style and it said: Lean back and relax in a space that welcomes the modern but trades stainless steel for the natural. Your tastes include the Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired. Your sensitivity to materials and a natural setting meets with a contemporary bent in home styles like Mission, Prairie and Arts & Crafts. When making your cabinet selection, consider birch as a clean and modern wood species. Choose details like geometric forms, art glass, contrasting textures and lines, and forged and wrought iron pulls.

And really that does fit my most often picked decorating style.

I think I love many things that are hip, chic and/or contemporary but often I feel they don't fit into my life. I may look at a very chic dress but know living in the town we do there is no reason to have that dress. So my practical side wins out over my hip, chic or contemporary side.

February - February has many meanings for me. February is the month I first met Master, stayed with him a month and it also is the month he claimed me as his. It a month that has created so many good memories. My favorite of course I have written about many many times...when Master claimed me as his....

Master just pulled that chain out of his pocket and put it around my neck. He locked it in place. No words...he didn't ask me. He didn't tell me. He just claimed me. It was intense and wonderful. I still remember it so clearly and still feel all the feelings I did then.

*photo is from that month I stayed with Master and is the chain he placed around my neck to claim me. So the photo is over 6 years old.

dark thoughts - I really go up and down with my dark thoughts/dark desires. Sometimes I think about them all the time and other times I don't. I often have thoughts about blood but I am such a wimp with blood. I see pictures Bootpig's pictures on FetLife and drool and squirm but I know that even the smell of blood makes me light headed. Although I am isolated - I often think of it on other levels in my fantasies. Not let out of the house for longer times. I enjoy the thoughts of long term confinement in the closet or cage. There are other things but harder for me to explain here in words. But for the most part they often contain humiliation.

Blogging - I have been blogging for 9 years in October. I sometime don't share much and other times I share things I don't say out-loud but do in words on my blog. It just is what ever comes out. I also after this long of blogging don't share things I am surprised I don't. I don't share our SM/sex life as much as I thought I would. I don't share some of my really happy moments in slavery but mostly it is because it is the moment and by the time I sit down - I just can't capture it in words. But over all it does show my thoughts on a very wide range of topics and it is my place to hash those out.