Monday, August 29, 2005

Life Update

Wednesday - We had a later start then we had planned so when we got there we just chatted with the family a bit before I went to bed. Master needed to do a few things for the next day so he stayed up a little later. But still it was a quick hellos and to bed for us.

Thursday - We were up early and off. I hung out in Barnes and Noble while Master went to his first meeting. I spent my time looking at cookbooks mostly. I saw a few that would make very good gifts. I bought a Starbucks coffee - first one I have ever purchased for myself. I had no idea what Master usually gets for me and guessed. It turned out good, but I know it was not what He usually gets me. Master ended up leaving His meeting a little early so that we could get on the road and head to our next destination. He taught a class that afternoon. While He was doing His session, I had tea with my good friend shadoe. It was marvelous.

It was a complete girly tea....table linens, beautiful tea cups/saucers, little plates, a pedestal filled with delectable treats....including mini quiches, little cucumber sandwhiches, mini cream puffs, cranberry scones. Everything was so wonderful. I ate far to much, but I just could not contain myself with all the wonderful treats set before my eyes. I am not a big tea drinker. I have never found a tea that just makes me want it more. I did like it with the milk and sugar. And I am now eager to try some more. (Also anyone wanting to recommend a tea for me to try please do so...I *think* I tried a Lady Earl Grey...it had a hint of floral to it and I liked that a lot.) After tea, we sat and talked and talked. I feel like I dumped on her and apologized for that as I didn't mean to - it just is she is so very easy to talk to and very trusted -- so I just kind of fell into it. She is a dear friend and I appreciate her listening!

Master then joined shadoe, Venture, and myself for dinner. But before dinner we saw a wonderful ritual between Venture and shadoe. Master and I agreed that the energy was intense and beautiful. We felt very honored to witness it.

Dinner was fairly short for us all...Master was tired and all of us had a busy day ahead of us on Friday. We got back to Master's family and stayed up only a little bit before heading to bed.

Friday - I had to go with Master to his office to help him film. The woman that He was working with was a bitch though. You know....it was one of those moments that as soon as we came in the door she spoke, I knew she was a complete bitch. She was busy at the moment so we went to grab a coffee and I told Master my thoughts. While waiting for our order, his big boss came in so I met him. I did not get much of an impression from him. He seemed a little flustered actually -- that I was there.

So once we got set up and starting to shoot the woman became even more of a bitch and I calmly told her things that answered her snide remarks but put her in her place of we know what we are doing and you don't. Anyway, she irritated me to no end and I was very happy to be done with her.

After I left, Master had another meeting and it did not go well. But made some decisions for Him easier. He has been bummed though. And I can understand that completely. I have been trying to here for Him but with my own depression still lingering strongly I don't feel like I am being much of help to Him.

Weekend - Friday evening we had a good dinner and then hung out with His family. Saturday morning we had a late brunch...more like a breakfast at lunch time before heading home. It was a hard day because of some things that happened before we left plus Fridays outcome. I was just so happy to be home. Master picked up Chinese take out for dinner - it makes my whole world better! We then spent the rest of the weekend trying to unwind. Including a little play time yesterday.

Today - I did some housecleaning. Master and I had a junk food night tonight...comfort food! yay! I don't start my work on the website until next week so I am hoping to get some art pieces done as presents for family and friend over the next couple of months. I am hoping Michael's Crafts has a 50% next weekend - they usually do over a holiday weekend. Master's parents gave me a gift certificate from there. Master has been spending lots of time teaching them their computer and so they gave Him a present and then me also for giving up time He could be spending with me. It was very sweet of them. They are very thoughtful always though.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Home....

Just a quickie to say we are home....

It was a stressful few days and I am very tired in more ways then one. I am drained and feeling a little distant and numb. But I am happy to say I had a delightful tea with my friend shadoe on Thursday and that was the highlight of our trip. It was so nice.

Cyborg Name Generator


Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Lighter....

So the last 24 hours some things have happened to make me feel like maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I do know when we get back from being out of town, I will have some stress with work but I at least feel a lighter right now.

I got done with the templates for my client yesterday. This client is stressing me out because she has been a VP type person in several well known fortune 500 companies and is starting her own company. So the potential work I could get from her -- through her website and her contacts -- could be significant. And although that extra income would be nice, I am just feeling a little intimidated even though she has been completely down to earth and friendly. I have been feeling very intimidated by her "status/success." I used to own my own graphic art business but now I feel I am just this person who does design because I enjoy it. So I am feeling a little small and unsure of myself at the moment.

Although while writing this I did get an email from her and she is pleased with the templates and even really liked one of them for her website. So that is good.

After I sent those templates out to her yesterday, I made a fabulous dinner...if I do say myself. And I do! We were suppose to have this for Monday's meal, but we ended up running errands so I needed a quicker dinner for Monday. So last night I made chicken that I marinated in lemon, olive oil, garlic, a little honey, and rosemary. I then coated it in a little flour mixed with some bread crumbs and sauteed it in a little olive oil just to get the coating to stick and then put it in a pan and baked it. I sauteed green beans in some balsamic vinegar, garlic and onions.

Then I made a quiche thingie! How's that for a name? I chopped up some pancetta (basically bacon) and fried it. Then I sliced tomatoes really thin and layered it in a quiche dish that I lined with store bought roll out pie shell. I did a layer of tomatoes, then pancetta and then a little mozzarella cheese. Finally I mixed together about a cup of fat free half and half, 3 eggs, 2/3 cup Parmesan cheese, some basil and ground pepper and poured it on top of the layers. Baked it for about 30 minutes. I was a little unsure if Master would like the torte, but he LOVED it!. He even had seconds of it. It really did taste good.

So today we leave for Denver....It has been a good day although busy. Master woke me up...in an ummm VERY good way! He pealed back blankets and started off with a light spanking moving to a heavier spanking moving to some punching! It was very yummy and of course made me very turned on wet. He then moved into more sexual areas...playing with me...fingering me and such. I was in heaven! I was moving all over the place. After....laying there breathless.....I started to stroke his cock. He told me that He should just get ready for work but I convinced him to stay a little longer. :) After he came, I cleaned up and made him breakfast. Some toast, scrambled eggs with browned ground sausage (I keep some in the freezer already browned to just add to omelets, scrambled eggs or for quick meals: pasta dishes, casseroles, soups or something like that).

I have been doing my going out of town cleaning....changing sheets, washing floors, finishing up the rest of the laundry, emptying out fridge, doing dishes and such. Master is out looking for bag/locker on wheels for his lighting/camera equipment at the moments since the one we picked up this weekend is not proving to work out the way he wanted. I have to go with him to his "big" office to help him with some filming while out of town. I am a little nervous about it but trying not to think about it!

Well he just called and I figured out another option for him -- that we have here at home. It looks like it will work! So He is going to stop and get some gas and so I need to cut this off and go gather bags to the living room to be ready to load. Not more updates for a few days.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Yay for me!

Some good news - I get to spend the afternoon with my good friend shadoe on Thursday and then Master will met us and her Owner for dinner. A whole afternoon with a wonderful dear friend! I am so excited!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Life Update

I thought I should do a life update...I have not done one in a long long time. Except for the quick note here or there about my health. But not sure I have much to say still. I have been going through a depression this summer. I am hoping I can get out of it soon. It has been a really hard summer for me. I have gotten one bad or upsetting piece of news after another. Some of the news I haven't even dealt with yet. And not even sure how to - with other pieces. Anyway, I am looking forward to fall!

I have been busy with art - making them for presents. I have a new client and so trying to get inspired to create the right website template for her. And then have a possible 2 more designs to be doing after that. But I guess I am just not feeling creative in website designs but been inspired with other creative outlets...collaging and then making icons.

So what else....

Thursday Master came home with a rose for me as He knew I was not feeling "up" and wanted to cheer me up. He did. Thank you for the beautiful rose Master!

Friday we went for breakfast at the very first place Master ever brought me out to when I came to be with him. We had a nice breakfast before I had my appointment. Master took the day off to be with me. As I said all ready and the appointment went well. My doctor makes me laugh though a lot - after telling me to be still. Her and her nurse should be a comedy team! After the appointment, Master and I came home and took a nap as we were up early and drained just from being a little stressed out. I made homemade pizza for dinner. I have found a recipe that works great in the altitude and also I make it a little different in order of toppings. It ends up tasting oh so good and Master said that it is the only way he wants to have pizza from now on. We stayed up late working on projects.

Saturday we ran errands and then watched American Pie. Master had never seen it. I made Chocolate Raspberry shakes for dessert that didn't quite turn out. But I have some ideas how to make it better next time. I love the flavor of raspberry but hate the seeds!

Today I dyed my hair as I am going to have to do some filming with Master this week for his work. And so I did not want to be around his co-workers with so much gray and 2 toned hair showing as my roots are really showing. This evening I have been working on a couple of designs for my current client. So I hope to get some templates done for her before we leave to go out of town on Wednesday. I also gave Master a blowjob to help with his stress level.

So I will be busy the next few days so that I will be ready to go out of town. I am hoping we are able to see our good friends, Venture and shadoe, while over the other side of the mountains.

I am not sure how much I will get to post before we leave and then of course while we are out of town I doubt I will post at all.

Oh...here are a few of the icons I made recently....

Friday, August 19, 2005

Everything A-Okay

Just a quickie for now to let everyone know I am home and okay. She had to take very little around it. She is so funny though and makes me laugh after she tells me to hold still...sadistic I say!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

History Part 3...continued...

Notes: I did some entries a few years ago about Don so I have those listed at the bottom of this entry. After I had written this entry, I went to read those and thought I should include them – but realize the first entry contains some of the same info I write about here now. Also I might include a few more post about Don in the near future as I know rereading them has got me to thinking and that will cause me to recall them again. So there might be more to this part of the history – just like there was when I wrote about Brian.


We had a buffet at the pizza place and it was part of my job to break it down – so I was on the floor and if anyone knows about buffets they are filled with water to help keep the food hot…using steam and the hot water. So I had to drain all the water out in big buckets. I was on my knees on the floor – draining the water into the buckets and Don came over to me. I had my back towards him – he said, “you are coming home with me tonight and I am going to fuck you hard.” I started to turn to tell him to go to hell or fuck off…and I looked up at him…I couldn’t….the only words that came out of my mouth was “yes…okay” – they were stuttered. I felt flustered as soon as I saw him standing above me. He walked away.

As I was getting my jacket to leave...he came up behind me, he was standing close but not touching me, he told me I would follow him in my car to his place. The tone…the tone…reached down into me. I knew I was getting turned on already. I nodded and he said, “let's go.” I followed him to his place.

Don was a med student and lived in a big old Victorian house near the med school. He lived there with around 8 or 9 other guys - all of them med students. I can’t remember how many for sure now, but I think it was around eight or nine. He led me to his bedroom. I was nervous and usually had not been with other guys. I wasn’t sure how to act. I think he picked up on my nervousness but I am sure he had known, seen or heard that I was not nervous with guys – as I went through the rumor mill at the pizza place of being a slut. Funny though the people at my high school knew nothing of that and all thought I was actually very straight laced. So, as I said I think he saw that I was nervous so he had me sit down on the bed. He did a few things around the room – put his book bag contents away, lit some candles and we chatted a bit. He then got comfortable - undressing down to boxer shorts. He told me to strip. Not take my clothes off but strip. He told me how to do it….each movement, each button, each slide of my hand over and under my clothing. He directed my every movement and as he did the tone...the commanding tone made me wet beyond belief. What I still find amazing today – it never occurred to me to ask why or to just start doing it my way. I just did it…his way. After I was undressed, he stood up and pulled me to him…kissing me very passionately. He then led me to the bathroom where we took a shower – we both smelled like garlic - we worked in a pizza place. It was a hot soapy shower….where we touched and washed everywhere. We dried each other off. Again while in the shower washing – he told me what to do and how to do it. And the same when I dried him.

Naked....freshly showered bodies pressed together kissing....passion and anticipation for what was to come next. He led me to his bed where he pushed me down roughly. He put my arms above my head and held them there fingers digging into me... holding me down. It scared me a bit but again I could still feel how turned on I was by it. As he held me down he would bite me and grab at me with his other hand. His hands and fingers digging into my body...hard..hurting me but it was that pain that just seemed to make me want more. He shoved into me and fucked me…hard and rough. He did just a little spanking and slapping. It was happening so fast and so intense that I didn’t have time to think or react with my brain just my body….my body reacting to his touch and what he was doing to me. I had a powerful exploding orgasm though. It all happened in that matter of moments…the whole interaction…he came fast too. After he came he slapped my tits, he squeezed them hard. He would bit, squeeze, twist, slap, spank and I remember just totally losing myself into it….and soon we were fucking again. I had an even more intense orgasm. After he was very loving and tender. He told me I was a good girl. I saw the time and knew my parents would start to worry soon if I did not get home. So I told him I needed to leave. He told me to get dressed. He watched me and right before I finished he called me to him. He kissed me and told me that I would come back tomorrow. He told me when to be there, what to wear and what we would do when I got there. But I don't think I really heard all the words as I was floating so high up. I just felt it inside this knowing of it felt so right. I just said yes. (To see what happens the next day read the Nov 6th link at the bottom.)

I became his from that moment. I didn’t admit until years later but I remember it clearly being the moment I became his. Completely? Well probably not in that moment but that did happen over time…short amount of time actually.

He controlled everything in my life – where I went, what I did, what I ate, what I spent money on, how I dressed, when I worked, when I studied, when I moved and breathed – that is what it felt like. It felt so natural and right. It felt like he had opened a part of me that I never knew was there….and let me be me. I really was thriving in process of becoming his possession. He was allowing me to have a dream – of being someone’s…being his.

Oddly enough I didn’t fall in love with him. I loved and cared for him. I was devoted and desired him. But the feeling that I had for Brian…the love I had for Brian was different then I had for Don. As I said I cared for Don and loved him in a way but not like I did Brian.

So all sound hunky dory with him right? Yes it was…unfortunately it did not stay that way. Don ended up developing a gambling habit. He had one I guess several years before I met him but had stopped and then started up again while we were together. He would drink more when he gambled and so a not-so-in-control part would come out more then. He ended up doing lots of things to me that should have made me leave but by that time I was enslaved and I couldn’t face leaving – be it I believed I couldn’t or my own fears of leaving or something else keeping me there.

I often look back and feel like I was Alice falling down the hole...was it all dream or a nightmare...somedays it feels like both. As the years pass the more and more I see my time with him differently. I see that although it would have been nice if he would have told me what we were doing - M/s and SM that it might have been easier and not confused my mind so much. But because the good times and bad times got meshed together - it confused me and so I just gave into it.

This entry and the entries below (all except the last maybe) will probably all look very much a like a normal M/s couple. It is what happen after these times I describe where the lines of abuse and M/s blurr and maybe I will share some of those times too. Those times....still turn me on too...even though I remember the fear associated with those times with him.

Some of these are in the midst of longer life update entries so I went and put astricks in so you can scroll down to those if you don't want to read the whole entry.

Nov. 6, 2003 - this entry has a little more - about what happened the next day - where I left off in this entry.
Nov. 7, 2003
Nov. 8, 2003 (I realized that this link was not working when I published earlier...it is working now)
Nov. 10, 2003
Dec. 8, 2003 - this one might be triggery for those with abuse in their history.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

History Part 3

After Brian, I dated and slept with a few guys but nothing was serious. I was frankly bored by most of the guys I met. When I was with Brian, we ended up at lots of parties that comprised of people I worked with because Dee, her boyfriend and I all worked at the same pizza place – and they were a party crowd. After we broke up, I would go to the parties find someone to have some fun with and then often leave just feeling well annoyed because it was not fun. I discovered many men just wanted me to give them what they wanted without any regards to mutual pleasure and although I do enjoy being used by Master today. And enjoyed being used back then, I also desired mutual pleasure. So, my interactions became boring for me. They were not engaging the mind with the body...just using the body. I hear Willow's line from Buffy the Vampire - The Wish when I recall those times, "Bored Now." I kind of had that same expression to those time. I remember being very lonely at the parties because I was so bored by everyone there.

I then turned 18 and that is pretty much when my life changed...but backing up for a moment...

As I said in my first history post the man that first enslaved me – I met while dating Brian. I met Don, when Brian and I were together. We were at a party. I was really drunk. Brian had done some drugs before we left to go to the party. Then we were drinking lots at the party -- he told me he needed to lie down. So we went to one of the bedrooms. He was on the bed he started to kiss me but then he said he was cold. It was dark so I turned on a lamp to see about looking around for a blanket. I saw that he was pale and his lips were blue. I ran out of the bedroom hysterical. The party had lots of people from where I worked. Well the pizza place had lots of med students work there because the tips were really good as waiters and the hours were really flexible for them. So three of the guys there came in to see Brian and they were talking to him and did some thing I can’t remember everything, as I was so drunk and upset. Anyway, I could not/would not calm down….one of them men, Don, took me by the arm very roughly and directed me out of the house. I tried to turn away, get away and go back. He said, “No you need to calm down.” I was even more hysterical outside so he slapped me then grabbed me by the hair – tilting my head up so I was looking at him. He said, “You will stop crying right now.” His tone was calm, clear but strong. Then he let me go for a moment and then took me by the arm again – bringing me with him. He took me to his car and put me in it. I would start crying and he said, “stop.” He then talked to me about what was going on with Brian and that he would be okay. He was calm, quiet and clear with everything he told me. I remember asking questions and he answered them. He then took me up in his arms and held me close and said “now let it out…cry all you want.” And I did. After I had a good cry, he gave me Kleenex and talked to me so more then walked me back to the party. And by that time Brian was looking better..don't know what they did or if I just was having a moment of where he looked worse then he was really. Anyway, I turned around to thank Don but he was gone.

I did thank him at work though. And he just brushed it off like it was nothing. So we did not really interact much again. We would say hi at work. If there was a party, we would do some small talk, but not much more then that. I then turned 18. Two days after my 18th birthday – he came up to me at work and my world changed from that moment.

More to come...in Part 3 continued....

Rescheduled...

Just a quick entry to say that my appointment got cancelled - my doctor had an emergency so it is rescheduled for Friday now.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Scattered Clouds...

I am not having a good day....no make that month...heck I can say I have not had a good summer. I was going to try to finish up the next part of my history posts tonight but my brain is not working...thoughts and feelings scattered. Feeling overwhelmed actually. I hope that I don't get any more bad/upsetting news this month.

One thing on my mind....I had a few moles removed over a month ago and one came back with cancer. They were not sure by examining the edges of it - if they got it all so I have been waiting to heal (which took longer because I found out I am allergic to the latex in bandaids/nonstick gauze pads and found that out during the healing process) to go back in again. Well now, I am healed and tomorrow morning I go in for them to resurface the area. Yay me! Not sure why I am worried about it but I am....so just kind of on edge. My doctor is great though and I know she will get all and keep an eye on it. I was actually in for a totally unrelated issue when she noticed the mole and said this needs to come off immediately so she knew something was wrong with it. And she was right. I am glad she was so careful and observant.

So, tonight I am a mush brain - so no history part 3 and no other posts I am working on (note for self: poly, reminders of place, escorting, bottoming before topping). Hopefully I will be up to writing tomorrow as well as some work as I have a new client and need to get some templates done for them soon.

Not IE compatible

Get Firefox!

I just realized that my template is not IE compatible.....I usually check to make sure I am compatible in each. Why I didn't with this one I am not sure. I just got done telling Ti-Jae the other day that I always check to make sure because that is what I always have done when creating websites - the graphic artist in me I guess. But somehow this one slipped past me for checking it in IE.

Firefox is much more stable then IE. I don't nearly have all the problems I had with IE. I actually had only one problem with Firefox and I found the cause - it was something I set it to that made it that way -- so I changed that and now have not had any problems.

Well anyway if you read this in IE - it does not look right and I don't have the time to fix it anytime soon so you will have to just suffer along or download Firefox.

Daily Zen...

have just three things to teach:
Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and in thoughts,
You return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
You accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
You reconcile all beings in the world.

- Lao Tzu

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Breakfast at Tiffany's

It is one of my top 10 favorite movies. I am watching it right now....I seem to watch it in a certain mood -- most of the time...during the mean reds or even the during the blues. But it is a movie that I adore...no matter when I watch it.

Dialog with that talks about the mean reds...
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!


I have always wanted to read the book it is based on...as I think I would really enjoy it as well. I really am a big fan of Audrey Hepburn but love her in this one the best. Oh and the song Moon River been a favorite since I saw first saw the movie years and years and years ago.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

The Slave Register

I have the barcode on my blog for a while, used it as an icon, the number is on a dog tag that Master attaches to my collar at times, I use the number in art at times, it is on a keychain...it has been with me since shortly after Master claimed me as His. I enjoy being the number...I like what it symbolizes...and I love it when Master has referred to me by it...gets me all warm and wet thinking of myself just as a number....His property.



The Slave Registration site that was started by Tanos. Tanos is the creator of one of my favorite sites - Internal Enslavement.

Well now The Slave Register is also more then just a place to register for a number...it is a web discussion board, personal ads, and weblog generator of those in Owner/property relationships.

So I am pimping it...



Also after having a couple questions about this I thought I would add...when you go The Slave Register Board if you want a slave number use the register button on the left hand side. If you just want to sign up with a member name use the join button. And if later some of you submissive-types decide you want a number you can merge your member name with a number. Here is the actual link though to just register a member name.


I like discussion forums and groups because I like seeing other perspectives and just learning. So I am a member of a few....such as another one I mentioned not too long ago....TPE Forum. Also a few more listed here.

Blogger Survey

So I am encouraging those on Blogger and use blogspot to take their survey. I have been using blogger for....uh it will be 5 years in October. And I can't see myself leaving blogger because it was the start of my online journaling. And I do really like them a lot!

But I really enjoy some of Livejournal's features - their archive set up for one. After blogging for 5 years I have a HUGE long list in the archives on blogger. On Livejournal they have it set so you click on the year and then have a little calendar for each month in that year. Then you can either click on the dates or click on another link to just see subject line of entries in that month. So much easier when looking for things.

Another feature they have - that they just started doing not to long ago - is assigning tags to entries. So I could tag all my M/s entries, all my quizzes, all the domestic posts and then you can look things up according to tag. So if I clicked on M/s all the entries tagged with M/s would pull up.

So those are the features I suggested to them. And I hope others will suggest those too as they would be really good things to have on blogger.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Quiz

Mercury
.:Mercury:.

"Your personality often has two sides. You
have no trouble taking things in stride, but
you like a peaceful balance in your life. You
have a lot of creativity, especially when it
comes to the written word. You are a great
communicator and are very open to new ideas.
You also have a strong desire to learn."


. : : Which Astrological Planet are You? : :

Second Nature or Second Thought?

My history is going to take a back seat for a few posts as I have some things rattling around I want to get out.

Chelle asked me this way way way back when...."Do you feel as though your service to M has become second nature now that you've been together for some time?"

Yes much of it has...and that bothers me at times that it has become so second nature that I think at times it is second thought. Meaning....that I am not as focused on it. Yes, I get it done the way he wants or in ways that please him, but I wish it was more focused and mindful of Him...instead of just doing the task without thought at all.

So again, I don't mind them being so a part of me that my muscles move into place for them before my brain engages but I don't want them to become so second nature that they become my second thought and lack the luster they did once upon a time.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

History Part 2

First a WARNING....this could be triggery for those with sexual abuse in their past so please don't read if you think you will have a hard time reading about something of this nature.



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So I am an odd duck...I did the teens first and now I am doing my childhood...and the next posts will be about my first significant M/s relationship. This post was hard to write. I started this post several times this past weekend and it never has come out quite right. I don’t think I have ever said it here - if I have it has been a walk around it as it is not something I discuss very often. Because to me it is dealt with and where it needs to be – in the past. So here it goes…my Uncle sexually molested me from the ages of 4 to 8. I have had many a people tell me that is the reason that I am kinky. But in fact I believe they are wrong because I think I am just wired this way…born this way.

I remember even before it started with him -- being a very sexually precocious child. I would watch my parents having sex and think it looked interesting and I wanted to do it too. I would touch myself and rub my self against things that felt good. I remember once at my Grandmother’s taking a rope that I knotted - I took and pulled it between my legs so that to knot kept rubbing over my clit. I remember that it felt good. I remember going out in this old school house that my Grandparents had on their farm property and tying my legs to the chair as rocked back and forth on this rounded piece of metal I put between my legs. So I think the kinky part of me was there before those things happened with my Uncle. I also know the submissive part of me was there…I wanted to please and help always. I always deferred to those that had authority over me and wanted to please them.

I do think that some things that I did – were because of what happened with my Uncle – such as being more sexually active at a young age - linking attractiveness with sex -- not usually experiencing intimacy during sex but just feeling the animalistic side of sex. I think those things were brought on more frequently or quicker then they would have been if I had not been through what I had with him. But the being submissive and being kinky well as I said I think I am just wired that way.

I know that when it first started, I disassociated and just pretended it didn’t happen. But somewhere along the way I became obsessed with sexuality - sex….to the point of seducing my babysitter at the age of 8. It was very confusing...feeling what my Uncle did and not knowing what to do, or if the feelings I had were okay or wrong. If the things he said were okay or wrong. When it first started, I was spending lots of time with my Aunt and Uncle because my Mom was having problems with her pregnancy of one of my sisters. I kind of made the rounds between both sets of Grandparents and 2 sets of Aunts and Uncles. Eventually over the years, as I said I became obsessed with sex so I kept touching, I kept silent to what he was doing. I know that I started to believe the things he said to me. I know that I started to enjoy some of the things he did to me but it still did not make it right. I was a child who did not know saying no to him was okay. I didn’t know that the things he said weren’t true as he was an adult and I was suppose to listen to him. I think even bigger issue in my child mind was…that my parents would have known he was not a good person and so if they think this is okay then it must be. That is what I thought. So I was very confused.

Somewhere along the way I figured out what he was doing was not “normal” and I started to believe some of the things he told such as I was not like other little girls…that I was a big girl who knew how to make him feel good. It started to make me not feel good about me. I wanted to be like everyone else. It was not until after my Uncle moved away -- that things started to even out again or at least I could pretend things were okay and repress the “bad” things that happened. I became a “normal” little girl. I had moments were it still peeked up but eventually I suppressed it and was what I thought was “normal.” I had lots of friends and enjoyed my time with them doing things girls do – we had slumber parties at each other’s houses. There were a core group of us. I can still remember all their names – I find that interesting as other significant chunks of my life are missing but I still recall all the little girls that I had as friends. So I packed away what he did and…acted like them…”normal.”

That part of me…that broken little girl who was sexual was buried. Really from about 9 to 16, I was na├»ve and innocent again. I didn’t talk about sex and blushed if anyone did. I acted like I knew nothing and in a way, I didn’t as I “forgotten” so much of what had happened when I packed it away.

It wasn’t until I started dating Jeff – that part of me that was sexual awoke and started to come out again. And the kinky part was brought out with it. The submissive part was always there – no matter what. I always wanted to please, serve, help, and be a good girl. And I thought sex and kinky things were okay because it was what we both enjoyed. I guess part of me thinks it is weird that this little girl that was broken could come out thinking sex was fun, enjoyable and exciting.

Not sure what else to write about this time in my life. As I said it strange to me that some memories are so strong and others I know are there but I can’t access. It is of course something that is hard to talk about – but I also have dealt with a lot of it so it does not cut as deep now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

History: Part 1 continued...again

Here are the last few little stories about Brian…that I was recalling the other night as I went to bed. Just wanted to capture them. Just a few moments from our relationship. Next part tomorrow will go back to childhood.

Poker Night
The guys often had a poker night. They would play poker, drink and have a small gathering for it. They had 3 tables set up in the apartment. I would sit on the floor next to Brian during them – jumping to get him another beer or any of the guys there at the table, getting a bowl of chips or popcorn and putting in new music for Brian and so on.

During one of the games there was this guy there that worked for a local radio station. He mentioned that he often got free tickets to concerts. I can’t remember who it was that was coming in concert now but I remember wanting to go. This guy was talking about that he was going to a bunch of summer concerts. As he went through the summer line up that he was going to, he mentioned such and such artist I screamed. I can't remember who it was now but obviously someone I liked. Maybe Depeche Mode because I remember listening to them lots that summer. Brian looked at me – like “OKAY!” So this guy was talking how that for that concert he had backstage tickets and was going to a party after the concert too. He flirted with me. I remember noticing it was very overt and I was confused why he was doing that with Brian right there. Eventually the guy said, "you want to go?" I said, "really?" He said, "yes if you do something for me." I inquired what he would want me to do. He basically wanted to know what I was willing to do for the concert tickets. I looked at Brian and he said, "this is your deal." I didn’t know what to say or do. I was completely flustered, but tried to just flirt and say "he couldn’t handle me"….or something along those lines. I remember being utterly embarrassed that this guy was so overt in front of Brian and a room full of guys…I was the only girl in the room.

I remember the conversation in private after -- asking Brian why he did not say anything to this guy. He basically told me he thought I might want to make the deal and go to the concert. He said it so just matter of fact - like me going and making a deal to have sex or whatever with someone else was so everyday. By the way this was getting towards the end of our relationship. I asked him if he would have been upset or jealous if I had made a deal and he said yes right away. I then pointed out to him he should have said something to me and/or the guy. He said, "you are not mine." It hurt...it stung. I turned away and let some tears out where he could not see.

Talking to Animation
We were going to an arcade type place that had video games, arcade games, a roller rink, and lots of fast food. I was to pick Brian up - we were meeting Dee, her boyfriend and a few other friends at the arcade. Brian came out of the apartment with a blonde girl and 1 guy. Interesting that I can still remember what she looks like but I have no idea what the guy looked like. Anyway, Brian was flirting with the girl. He said he was riding with them. I was irritated, as I could have just gone to the arcade instead of all the way to his apartment. Plus I hated that he wanted to go with her instead of me…his girlfriend. We got to the place and he was laughing a lot – and the tone and manner I knew he was flying really high and so was she. By this point in our relationship he knew not to even try to say do you want some because of all the bad times associated with him getting strung out -- I said no even to pot.

So we get to the arcade and he is still flirting and touching her lots. Finally he became interested in me again and drags me to go play a game. We are playing 2 person. It is his turn and he starts talking to the game…but he keeps looking to the side of the game like someone is standing there. I said, "Brian who are you talking to?" And he said a name…it was the name of the character in the game (can’t remember which game it was at this time). He thought the character was standing next to the game cheering him on.

I lost it. I told him I was leaving and to go home with the blonde - "...to fuck her and get stoned because obviously those things were more fun to him." His reply was a laugh and then, "okay." I heard that he slept with her but I never had the nerve to ask him. And I am sure I didn't want to ask as the truth would hurt more then the lie at that moment.

The night we broke up basically…
We went to a party the 4 of us – Dee, her boyfriend and Brian and I. But he kept acting very distant…he did not hold hands - he did not even kiss me when they picked me up. He just sat in the car being distant – when I asked him about it and said he had been like that a lot lately he rolled his eyes at me and looked away.

So we get to this party. It was huge…lots of people there – it was the end of the summer back to school party. So lots of drinking & dancing…it is summer to lots of skimpy clothes and bodies pressed together. So, I am trying not to dwell on Brian and just mingling, dancing and drinking. While dancing I look up and see someone watching me....it was Jeff…my first real boyfriend that I wrote about in a previous post. He looked so HOT! And I looked really good that night too. And he told me so over and over again -- how hot I looked. He was starring at me with hunger. So it is hot in the house with all those people -- we went outside to talk and catch up. Brian came outside looked at me and walked in back inside. I told Jeff I needed to go find Brian…and so we said goodbyes. I went to find Brian and said that I was only talking with Jeff. He said, "yeah right." I went on to tell him I never cheated on him. (I had caught him making out with a girl at a party when he was drugged out plus had heard he had been with other girls at parties that I couldn’t go to - so thought it was kind of ironic he was upset thinking i was cheating when he was the one that did). Before Brian, when I got involved with someone -- I made sure that the guys knew I would not be exclusive to them…that I liked my freedom to date… but with Brian…well I loved him and felt when you loved someone you could only be with them (now learned differently but I did not know that then). He said something like yeah right again -- and went on to tell me that my friend Dee told him I never was faithful to one guy. I said I never was faithful because I had never loved anyone but that I loved him. The kiss of death…I said the L word. We had more words he stomped off and a little later I saw him flirting with a girl and just as I saw that Jeff walked up to me to see if I was okay. I turned to him and burst into tears….he ushered me out and let me cry…held me and such. He then of course took advantage of the situation and kissed me….I stopped him for a moment and then internally I said fuck Brian thinks I have cheated then I might as well…and kissed him back. We went to his car…I gave him a blowjob. After, we were walking back to the party and I see Brian…he is walking towards Jeff and yelling…I can’t understand what he is saying…at this point I am pretty trashed. Brian rushes Jeff and starts hitting him….they fight…I try to break it up but Brian ends up hitting me accidentally. I fall back…trying to catch myself tumble off the curb…twisting my ankle and scraping up my arm as I fell into the gravel road. Finally Dee’s boyfriend stops Brian and Jeff’s friends stop him. Brian comes over to me to say he is sorry but all I can think of him hitting me….and I push him away. So he leaves….he in one car in me another. That was it…we never talked about it. We stopped dating. When I finally tried to talk about it he just said no that it was over and no need to go over it.

It was really hard for me to get over him. We remained friends for a while. I saw him at school - had classes with him and more so I ended up picking him up and driving him home after school - he had moved back in with his mom and so only lived a few blocks from me. We lost contact when I left to go to college. I have heard some bits and pieces about him over the years as my ex-husband's Mom is friends with Brian's Mom. I heard he got sober and clean, started a lawn business, had kids and got married. Every once in a while I get the urge to talk to him and make sure he is happy because he was often very sad and unsure of his place in the world. I also want to know if he has kept with his art as he was very talented.

Okay next piece will go back to my childhood....just a little bit though as I don't remember as much about my childhood as I do other points in my life.

Quiz: Firefly

I took a firefly quiz but I hate how they line up on blogger so here is the link to it on my livejournal. I know there are a few Joss Whedon fans out there that might be interested in it (nuala and jewels).

Domestic FYI

Real Simples Surprising Expiration Dates

I found some of them very interesting..that I did not know. Master always makes fun of me because I am big on expiration dates. I go through our fridge and pantry once a week and throw anything I think needs to say good bye to the house! Or make mental notes on what I want to use soon.

History: Part 1 continued...

Here are some little stories about Brian…that I was recalling the other night as I went to bed….and thought I would capture. Just a few moments from our relationship. So part 1 has been continued and will be again I am sure. So this will be on going history that might be added to or just one part.

The first night I met Brian…
I met Brian the last day of school my junior year in High School. There were lots of parties set up for that night. One of my friends was dating this guy whose best friend was Brian. My friend, Dee, told me that her and her boyfriend were going to such and such party and to meet them there. So, I went with some friends there to meet her. When I got there, she introduced me to Brian. I had known of him because he lived in the same neighborhood. We actually had the same address but different street number. Anyway, I mentioned something about that and then he “acted” liked he knew that. I know he had no clue who the heck I was…he was one year older then I and so we did not have any classes the same. He did not graduate though with his senior class -- he was in drug rehab most of the year so missed school. Although he did not mention that was why he missed school at that time – just that he had and so not graduating with his class was trying to decide if he should get his GED or come back next year and graduate with my class.

My friend mentioned to me that he was an artist and so it began…we talked art. It was a wonderful conversation that we were so absorbed in the conversation that we did not pay attention to anyone else in the room. Dee and her boyfriend were leaving the party so came to get Brian to go as he rode with them – they were going somewhere more private. He asked me if I would come with…so I found the friends I had arrived at the party with and told them I was leaving.

We went to a park…it had one of those jungle gyms that were made out of wood and had different platforms leading to various things to do. We climbed to the highest platform -- laid on it looking at the stars. He held my hand at first talking and then we started kissing underneath the starry night.

It is so odd to me how after all these years – 20 years – I still remember it clearly.

An afternoon with paint….
I came over to his apartment (he lived with Dee’s boyfriend, her boyfriend’s brother) -- he was painting. It was summer time and very hot in his apartment so he was down to boxers. He had paint on himself. I remember telling him how sexy he looked…so somehow eventually I ended up with my clothes off and he was painting on me. And then I was painting on him. We ended in bed rolling around on each other…the paint smearing against our bodies….and we had passionate sex. The kind where you touch everywhere and every touch feels electrified. It was intense and sexy!

When my Grandfather died…
I went to him crying. He comforted me. I think he was confused and hurt for me….he did not know what to do – so he started to kiss me. He then said he was sorry that it was not the right time and I said, “shhh” and kissed him. He made love to me…I remember it…so clearly. It was so tender and loving that I cried. We didn’t say anything we just touched, looking into each other’s eyes while we made love. I felt so cared for…so loved. He held me for a long time after – comforting me….loving me.

Part 1 Continuing....next post.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

From Daily Om

Our decisions in life, what we change about ourselves and how we choose to react, are no one's responsibility but our own. But because the mind often rebels against what we know in our souls to be positive changes, putting a plan of improvement or action can be difficult. One very useful tool to help bring about change is to make a contract with yourself.

History Part 1

How did you get started in BDSM and M/s type of relationships?

I think this is just going to require to tell the history of me....well at least some highlights of it. But because I can't do things normally....this first post will be followed by one from my childhood and then the third will take up where I leave this one off. So in this post I am going skim past childhood and go straight to teens.

As young girl I day dreamed of the man that would come take me away and keep me as his. Those were the words that were in my head - "keep me as his." It varied from being kidnapped to just finding someone and falling in love. It was at times hard and rough and other times soft and tender.

My first real boyfriend when I was 16, Jeff, and I started off with some D/s and SM -- I tried to please him even though I did not realize that was what I was doing. And then he and I were playful when we made-out. He spanked me a few times and I got very wet and turned on. He noticed. When it came time for us to have sex -- first time I had (consensual) sex -- he asked me if he could handcuff me to his bed and I nodded yes. And after that our sex included me being tied up, handcuffed and usually spanking or some type of resistant play was involved.

It actually did not occur to me that everyone else was not doing what were doing. That probably sounds very strange. After we broke up, I dated others and each time the sex seemed different to me. But it still did not occur to me what we had done, was "out of the norm." I just thought sex was exciting and something to explore with your partner so it would be different with each partner. Something that remained constant though was my mindset to please. In the sexual arena of my life that desire to please was even more for me. I wanted to please and make sure who I was received a lot of pleasure...so I would figure out what they liked, how they liked and do it that way. I did not keep it the same I tried to bring them further in their pleasure. At some point in my dating -- I became good at pleasuring. Sounds egotistical and I guess it is but I remember I gained lots of confidence in myself by becoming good at sexual pleasure. Right around the same time is when boys started to "notice" me more obviously at least. I think because I became so sexually active and confident that I kind of exuded sexuality and so I attracted more boys. The boys I dated were usually boys that were a grade ahead of me or in college and never went to my school. I lived in a big city so there were lots of high schools and a couple of colleges in the city. I found it easier to date them then boys at my school. So that went on for a while -- me exploring my sexuality through different boys. I always liked them but I knew I did not love them. I knew it was crushes, lust and well sex.

The summer before my senior year in high school, I fell in love...

Brian was an artist like myself. He loved music. He had incredible eyes that my Mom even commented on. But he did drugs. He did so many drugs that he actually saved me -- from ever wanting to touch them. I saw him turn blue a few times. (Which actually one time turned into me meeting the man that first enslaved me -- to be explained in another post.) But when Brian was semi-sober and not so high...it was really really good -- of course.

Because I loved him the sex was different yet again. I suppose you could say it was the first time I made love instead of fucking or having sex. He did some rough sex but at the same time it felt different...it always very tender and loving too. Like we were touching in places you can't see...emotionally touching. He would touch me and the world would melt away like we were the only two in it. He would look at me as he made love to me...really look at me...not close his eyes...not look around but look into my eyes...so deeply it felt like it was the first time someone really cared about me and what was going on with me during sex.

Because of the drug addiction --- he had problems compounding on top of each other. (Such as being kicked out of his Mom's and also his Dad's). We ended up splitting up because I felt like we were slipping away from each other and I did something stupid but really I know his drug problem would have split us up eventually. I can see looking back he would not have ever been into D/s or M/s. He would have enjoyed some kink now and then but not the dynamic I desire 24/7. He would have wanted things equal. Or maybe for the woman to have more power and control. Maybe.

The reason I fell in love with him was because of his passion and talent for art...we would talk about art and music, as he was very inspired by music for hours upon hours he would just listen to it. I loved the way he looked at me...probably a silly reason to fall in love with someone but he made me feel real..and special. I will always remember how he looked at me.

Brian was not someone I normally would have dated on many levels -- including he went to the same high school as I did, so I saw him lots. Which made it almost harder to get over him. I was sad and heartbroken. I did not want to get serious about anyone again. I had a few one-night stands but nothing serious.

End of this section...More later!

Smashed....

I am watching Buffy right now....it is Season 6 - Smashed. Spike and Buffy are having sex....their foreplay was tossing each other into walls, hitting and kicking each other. Hmm wonder why this epsidoe always makes me wet. :)

Friday, August 05, 2005

Pimping Annissa!

Okay I am going to do this one more time as it starts tomorrow!!!

The beautiful sexy annissa of Life as His is doing blogothon. She will be doing a blog entry every 30 minutes for 24 hours! All the money she raises is going to PFLAG. And if she makes it to $1000 her clan is going to match it! So she is not that far away and I wanted to give her one more plug to see if all of us wonderful kinky folks could help her in that effort!

Click on the button below to find her entry that tells you all about it...

Meme: Googled Name....

Because I am a sheeep...

Directions: Type "(your name) is", (with the quotes) into a Google search, cut-and-paste the first 10 responses that work. Just pull the answers right out of the excerpt google shows you, don't click the link and search around. The only rule is that each one has to start with "(your name) is", then try it with "(your name) is not".

****First a note there is one of those religous/inspirtational stories that go around that use Danae is...so I had to search through lots of those before finding these. So of course after a bit I had to click on the story and actually read it since it is on so many website.*****

1. Danae is a warm and compassionate person
2. Danae is a playful flirt, curious to know about things around her
3. Danae is emotionally and physically exhausted.
4. Danae is a determined and strong-minded girl
5. Danae is now free to eat as much dick - umm I mean hot dogs - as she wants
6. Danae is trusted
7. danae is always smiling and gets along well with everyone
8. Danae is perfectly agreeable
9. Danae is far more than a passing amorous fancy
10. Danae is lying naked on a bed outside (looking very voluptuous) and there seems to be a storm going on.


Okay so after searching through 15 pages this is all that I found again because of that story and that first line is from that story.

1. Danae is not going to die!
2. Danae is not a member of any public groups.
3. danae is not associated with the sandbuilder reefs.
4. Danae is not a young woman who participates actively in the event.
5. Danae is not aware of the source of the information in this article, and it is currently seeking clarification from the Uzbekistan Government
6. Danae is not a painting of a sleeping girl

Thursday, August 04, 2005

From Daily Om:


"Acceptance is freedom from the need to retain preconceived notions, control of others, favored outcomes, or the anxiety that can come when the unexpected occurs."

OMG Chocolate!

Good Deal with Dave Lieberman on Food Network is doing a Chocolate Party! And so all the dishes are umm chocolate...
Chocolate Dipped Hazelnut Shortbread, Cranberry Almond Chocolate Bars with Tangerine Zest, Candy Bar Chocolate Brownies, Spicy Cocoa Cream and Strawberries.

He just made the Candy Bar Chocolate Brownies - I moaned out loud watching it!

Meme: 5 Idiosyncrasies

1. I have to brush my teeth first thing in the morning. I can't eat until I have brushed my teeth....I then do mouth wash after I eat.

2. Before getting into the shower I have to have my clothes set out. When I get clothes out after I have taken a shower, it takes me forever to decide what to wear even if I am just throwing on a t-shirt and panties....it still takes me forever to decide which t-shirt and panties if I don't do it before my shower. I think I must lose my brainpower in the hot shower!

3. I always like to have plenty of Toilet Paper in the house....and actually this week is the first time in since I have been here that it has gotten as low as it did -- because we have had weird schedules so not able to do our regular shopping. I don't like ever getting down to the last roll.

4. I always take the book jackets off of my books. I can't stand book jackets. This is especially when reading them. Very rare occasions do they make it back on before being stored on the book shelves after I am done with them.

5. I have to go to sleep with socks on and covers over me no matter how hot it is in our house. I can't get to sleep without being covered up and having socks on. I always slide the socks off in my sleep somehow and throw back the covers at times but I can't get to sleep without them.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Promoting....Art....

I have a wonderful talented friend that has some of her art up for sale! And so I want others to share in the joy I have received from her beautiful art.

"Are You Having an Affair?"

So almost 2 weeks ago I had a conversation with Master asking Him if He wanted to add someone else to play - have sex with....why I asked this is because I was having one of those times where I just felt...very low in how I view myself (explaining this a little more below). I remember the expression His face -- utter shock. I knew it kind of hit Him out of left field. He said no right away.

The next day while taking a nap I had a dream that Master was having an affair. I have had torrid dreams of Master playing and having sex with others lots that I enjoy, but this one was not like that...it had the feeling of an affair. That is the closest word I can come to that would describe it - He was hiding it from me. So I had this dream and woke up thinking that is odd...about 30 minutes later calls me and tells me he has been out with co-workers having drinks was on His way home. Anyway, in that moment...I had a brief little thought of "is He having an affair?" And then went okay you are not awake -- get a grip!

Master came home and I told him about my dream and then what went through my mind He laughed...we laughed. He told me he was not having an affair...plus He told me He did not have time to have one as He has been extremely busy lately. And that is so true!

So why I am writing about this....because I find it so silly how things can spiral....into irrational thought.

First reality check -- Master is working LOTS! So much that we can hardly even have more then 20 minute conversation at a time lately.

Spiral of irrational thoughts -- Master is busy so not here enough to do much of anything with me -- even have a conversation. ---> Not having some of His attention is making me sad ---> I start getting depressed ----> Which spirals into low self esteem moments ---> Where I think Master is not turned on by me ----> I am not attractive so Master does not want to have sex with me that is why we have not been spending much time together ----> Which goes to He should have sex with someone else if He is not turned on by me ----> Which goes to He is having an affair.

So to end this...I don't think Master is having an affair. I do think that I am going through a bout of depression that is bigger than I have had in a very long time...thus spawning many irrational thoughts. I love Master and know that if He wanted to go out and find someone to have sex with...He would tell me. Unfortunately for Him -- He is working long hours...so not able to relax much at all - and making it impossible for Him to spend time with His girl.
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