Thursday, November 06, 2003

Music: none Master is watching Hockey
Mood: my mind is racing
Topics: A LONG ENTRY - Sex Work, The Matrix, Don, Mini update of life

As I wrote yesterday I don't feel like I am writing anything of substance…well I am not LOL Even in my private offline journal there is not much. The last few days I have written a little bit more but still I am not writing like I used too write. I feel closed off. But I don't feel closed off at the same time. I just feel like I am here. Like I am living life and just accepting what is right now. So that is not a bad thing.

But at the same time I know there are things that I should and want to write about.

Plus to top things off I am still not feeling great. Blowing my nose and coughing today. At least the headache is not as bad as it has been this week.

So some topics I want to cover….

Sex Work, The Matrix, Don…

This past week on an email list someone posted that a Dominant had a personal ad seeking submissives that would be required to prostitute.

Okay I don't have a problem with sex work :) But to advertise it on a personal ads website ugghh people are just not bright! So my feelings are 1) this person is a wannabe and 2) this person wants to be arrested for selling sex. Someone that is actually into that kind of business would NEVER advertise it on a personal ad website. And if they do…well they are not too bright about the business and will probably get caught. So, I would not trust them at all.

It was brought up about that kind of work is not safe. But I think as most society thinks of when they think of prostitution they think of the girls walking the street. And of course there are other options. Escorts don't walk the streets and there are lots of safety measures that they can take that girls walking the street can't. Of course there are always risks. But there are more safety measures that can be taken - safe sex, safe calls, checking out clients are just a few things that can be done.

With all the information I have about that industry I should teach a class or write a book LOL

Okay next topic….The Matrix. I was reading slave boy's journal the other day about the Matrix and it made me think of something I wrote up shortly after my birthday.

Master and I watched on the 17th of October the Matrix and the Animatrix. And then on my birthday we watched Matrix Reloaded. They are so full of symbolism….religious symbolism. So I wanted to understand more of what I saw because the movie goes and goes and I am back on wow did that mean…and then the next thing is happening before I can even forumlate the last thing I saw.

I would like to watch it and pause it and write and then watch and pause and write LOL that would be an everlasting movie (3 movies) LOL

I was raised in the Lutheran Church. I was raised to believe in Jesus Christ. My beliefs I have at this time in my life still give me conflict from how I was raised. And whenever I have watched the Matrix I felt Neo was portraying Jesus Christ. But also Buddha and so much more.

I have felt religions can be blurred between each other. Each has some common elements. And when I watch the Matrix I have felt it does the same - it blurs the lines of religion.

Okay things that I felt were symbolic to Christianity….and also some to Buddhism….

~ Neo and anagram for the One. The one to wake the world up and enlighten society….like Buddha and Jesus Christ.
~ Trinity, Zion, Nebuchadnezzar all names recognized from the bible.

There are many other things too but of course without going and watching and stopping and writing I am not going to remember them at least not at this time.

I think basically the main Buddhist element is that we are stuck in this world of suffering because of our ignorance and lack of awareness. So the Matrix is the world we have created in our minds of suffering and lack of awareness. And then when people wake up from the dream world - like Neo does - they he is aware and enlightened. I know there are more with Cypher eating steak and wanting to go back into the matrix and also the bare bones of the ship - the rooms, the food, their clothing…all are indulgences to distract them from their journey. But I have problems wrapping my mind around giving up pleasures for spiritual enlightenment. I guess I want think you can have both :)

So anyway I put in a search engine the Philosophy of the Matrix because I wanted to know more about the background of the philosophy. And I found several good articles but this one is the one that caught my eye the most. Then taking that I did a search on Gnostic Christianity.

It is kind of odd for me because I was raised as a Lutheran. I went to church, bible school, Sunday school, all sorts of classes at church and never did I hear of Gnostic Christianity. And my church was big on teaching other religions. I also took 2 religion classes in college and never heard of it either. That kind of surprises me.

The site was very interesting to me because things I have "felt" or had faith or a knowing in, but never knew why I thought that way - were there on this site. When I started learning more about Buddhism some of those feelings, faith or knowing were also confirmed…validated I guess. It was like a searching and then when I read it….I was like wow so I am okay for thinking and feeling this way. Not sure I am making sense. There just always has been things inside me that I took on faith and some of those things are confirmed in Buddhism and now actually the Gnostic Christianity.

I have never been a huge material person. I mean I like my things my books, and bits and pieces (candles, pictures, boxes and such) but I am not a person who needs things to be confirmed successful. I have always felt there was something that I needed to access inside to basically become more aware. Maybe I got some of that from Celestine Prophecy or again maybe that was just another catalyst to confirm things I knew inside…that resounding faith in the quietness that is beyond.

Anyway it gave me a lot of food for thought - things I am sure I will be thinking about for some time to come and I am sure it will continue to do so after we see the Revolution.

On to the next subject….

This morning I was thinking of Don. I have been thinking about him on and off lately. But I am sure it is because of the time of the year. Anyway, I was thinking of a time that I have always had lots of problems with in my past, but for some reason when I thought of it this year…I did not get so upset.


So I think I am going to tell stories of old

I was 18 just barely when I started to see Don. We worked together. He was older…and going to med school. One night at work he came up to me and said you are coming home with me tonight and I am going to fuck you hard. I was kneeling on the floor and looked up at him about to say something like yeah right over my dead body and when I looked at him something inside sparked and I just said yes.

After work I followed him to the house where he lived with about 8/9 other guys. It was a big old Victorian house. It had one of grand entrances only it was kind of run down from time and not being kept up. But you could tell that in its day it had been absolutely beautiful. He led me to his bedroom - we chatted a bit and then he had me strip, but not just take clothes off. He told me how to do it. Each button to be undone, how to slip my panties off. It was very directed...and very commanding. It just did not occur to me to say why or let me just do this my way. So after we were undressed he then led me into the bathroom where we took a shower. A hot soapy shower where he washed every bit of me and then dried me off very tenderly. He then led me to his bed where he pushed me down and was rough holding me down…biting me…grabbing me hard...digging his fingers into my body…and fucking me hard. He did some spanking and slapping. It seem to happen so fast. I remember having a powerful exploding orgasm though. He came fast too. We fucked again with even more intense orgasm. And after he was very loving and tender. He told me I was a good girl. I saw the time and knew my parents would start to worry soon if I did not get home. So I told him I needed to leave. He told me to get dressed. He watched me and right before I finished he called me to him. He kissed me and told me that I would come back tomorrow. He told me when to be there, what to wear and what we would do when I got there. I just said yes.

And there it started….my life of being owned. Maybe it sounds just like rough sex…maybe it sounds like a quickie…maybe it sounds like just some fun between 2 people….

Sometimes I wish it had been….but then I realized that I probably would have never known my desires until much later….

It is hard to live with what he did as it wasn't all good. Some days I can feel the wetness grow between my legs when I think of what he did. I will replay a moment with him over and over building myself to that brink…never even touching just closing my eyes and seeing the images behind my eyes….in the memories that I carry forever. I bring myself to the edge of orgasm with the thoughts of his abuse.


It is an accurate description…right? Some will say yes. And others will say he was on the edge of it but not there. But I wanted it….

That is what I hear always in the darkness. I hear that voice inside that I hate to say is there - telling me I wanted him to do everything that he did. I wanted him to abuse me. I deserved it. I deserve it.

The emotional masochist was born then….

Well probably not…she was born long before that…unfortunately. But she was brought to the surface with Don. That voice that I tried not to listen to was pushed in my face so when I looked in the mirror I knew it - not just thought it quietly down deep. I could not pretended that it was not there….I faced it. I saw who I was….

Who I still am….at times.

I woke up last night dreaming of Todd last night. I am sure there are a couple reasons for that but moments with Todd were like that and so I am mixing memories of Todd and Don.

I find it so ironic that Todd wanted to fix me yet he broke me. Even more amusing to me is that he was broken and trying to fix me. But I guess that is not uncommon….if someone does not have the courage to fix themselves I am sure trying to fix others makes them feel better about themselves for a little bit. Unfortunately I think he would have been better off working in a soup kitchen then trying to fix something that was not broken.

I am sidetracked….

I wanted to tell a story of old….just some little ones for now…the rest coming soon I am sure….

The next day after school I arrived to his house. One of the other guys let me in and I went to his room knocked on the door. He said come in. He said just stand there until I am done. I stood there. And stood there. And stood there. There were no moment thinking I should not be standing there. There were actually moments of - am I shifting my weight too much? being a distraction? am I breathing too loud? am I making too much noise? But there was never a moment saying gawd why is this man making me stand here. I felt he was busy and doing important things and I was to wait.

I am not even sure how long I stood there….now. But when he turned around he was smiling and motioned to me to come over and I melted. I walked over to him and he made a motion and I kneeled before him. He was sitting in a chair at his desk and turned so that I was kneeling between his legs. He stroked my hair and asked me how my day was and such. He asked me questions about my classes and friends and work. He would make notes every once in a while. After a while of talking he basically spelled things out for me. He told me when I would work handing me a schedule that I needed to give to work. He gave me a schedule of when I would be there which was pretty much everyday for at least sometime. He told me how he wanted me to dress and eat. He told me that I needed to ask if I wanted spend money, go out with friends, that all my free time from school and work would be to do what he wanted to make him happy.

And that is how it started....I was very happy then. I remember being so happy. Nothing was explained about what we were just was...that was nice.


On to other things...

I wrote a letter to my best friend from high school last night. I lost contact with her when I was in Ohio. And have been thinking about her a lot lately and so I decided it was time to track her down. I did with Master's help and hope to hear from her.

My parents are coming to visit next weekend. It was kind of sprung on me but also the last time I talked to my Mom she had asked if it was okay to do that - spring it on me. They were waiting to catch a deal on tickets. I am looking forward to see my parents and have them meet Master. Since I have been sick this week I will be kicking ass on the house since I didn't really do anything this week.
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