Peeking Little Girl

A couple months ago, Master bought me some double chocolate malt balls.  I really am not sure why I had a craving for them as it is just not something that I crave ever, but I did.  When I popped one in my mouth and bit down, I had a strong memory flood to the surface. I didn't think about it until I tasted them and surprised I didn't have it come back when I started getting the craving.  But it took a bite to remember that I used to buy some at Malley's Candy store in Cleveland for Kam. They were one of his favorite things.

Kam was my dominant, Master and Daddy years ago.He and I had a pretty intense Daddy/little girl relationship. Some of it was me becoming a little girl with baby talk, dressed in pink with pigtails tied in ribbon, squishing my teddy bear tightly in my arms. Some of it was more role-play - such as playing a catholic school girl being sent home with a bad report card and being punished by Daddy. Some of it was me as an adult woman having that nurturing protective role of Daddy there always for me.

Kam was Daddy from the first moment I met him.  It was like the little 4 year old girl had been waiting for him.  Because of that I feel he helped me deal  with abuse from when I was that age. I see now how it was a way to heal that little girl inside me.

Because of how intense and the role it played in the dynamic with Kam, it has been hard to do age play with Master. Kam died 3 years ago and we had unresolved issues - so I have always assumed that was partly the reason I had trouble releasing that side of me. But I do wonder if I needed that side at that time with him to heal and maybe I don't need that anymore or I don't need it in the same way. I can feel that part bubble to the surface at times, but just little peeks. I guess I am not sure if it is a something that I don't need anymore or if it is just not the right time or if it needs to be different .....not sure what other reasons. 

Master is Daddy to me, but not as little girl - age play sense. It is more as an adult woman who likes the feeling he gives me - such as feeling extremely safe and protected by him. I am extremely shy and having Daddy there to help me navigate social settings is amazing. Being able to hold his hand as he navigates us through a crowded room. Or leads a conversation when he knows I am having problems are all things that make me feel nurtured and protected by him. He is Daddy in that sense.

Recently several instances have come up - the malt balls, a game and just someone said something that reminded me of Kam.  It is making those feelings of desire for that side come up more.  It made me wonder if that part is getting ready to come back out.  I know for sure it has made me smile instead of having a sense of sadness. I guess time will tell if that part of me will do more than peek.

Break Ups

First Master and I are good.  I will say that again Master and I are good. We are not breaking up. We have been together for 10 years - through good and bad and each year strengthens our relationship. But breaking up is a part of  almost everyone's lives. Most of us go through it at least one point in our lives.  It took many tries of finding that one before Master claimed me as his. It takes a lot of time and energy to find the one and even more time when poly and looking.  The end of May Master and I ended our relationship with teacup. It has been extremely hard on each of us. Master and I have been there to help teacup in processing just as she has been here for us too.

I know the Dominants I have been with have felt it their responsibility to be there for the submissive because the dynamic ending impacts so many parts of daily life. I know in my past relationships it helped me to have the Dominants support me while I processed and healed my heart.  I am thankful for having such caring and kind men in my life. 

My first dominant after my marriage was a long distance relationship. He broke things off with me because he knew I wanted M/s and he didn't and he also was wanting someone closer in distance to him. I am lucky he was a really nice gentleman as he kept in contact with me for a long time after our break up. Because he had been my dominant and had control over my life one day and then the next didn't so he didn't want me to feel completely abandoned. He helped me process and work through the grief of the break up. Eventually we lost touch with each of us moving.  But I am ever grateful for the contact he had in those months after the breakup.
 
My breakup with Kam was extremely hard because it wasn't a true breakup. We ended the M/s, but continued the Daddy/little girl and went to being boyfriend/girlfriend and still lived together.  It was hard because I had been enslaved so serving him all day every day for almost 3 years and then we changed that so it was hard not to just naturally do the things I had been doing - such as getting him a drink and the other acts of service that were my daily life. I did do some as his girlfriend and little girl, but it was hard to figure out the line and boundaries. He was very kind and supportive of me trying to process the end of the M/s. 

Maintaining a connection even as friends/family I think is important after ending a D/s or M/s relationship.   The dynamic can be difficult to move on from because our worlds become so intertwined with these kind of relationships. When that dynamic ends, it can leave each party feeling lost, confused, and alone. So reaching out to one another to ensure each person is processing and moving forward safely - is just a good thing to do.  The people involved come to each other knowing each person is hurting, processing and dealing with grief differently, but not abandoning each other.
 
For some people it might be easier or just part of their personal coping from grief to not have that other person around. In the end you need to do what is best for you, but communicate that so the other knows to seek support elsewhere. 

When D/s protocols have been such a big part of each persons life, it can be hard to navigate the world without it in place. We each had responsibilities in the dynamic and just because the dynamic ends doesn't mean the connection stops. Be kind to yourself and each other.

Processing

Tora wrote a blog entry about processing issues slowly.  I know that I do too.

I remember when I started having flashbacks of when I was raped. I couldn't understand why 10 years later it was happening.  Why at that time -  I kept asking myself and my therapist.  But my therapist  reminded me that I was in therapy and learning to cope in better - healthier ways and so I was *able* to process it then. Unfortunately though, when it happened, those around me wished it was going faster and felt I should be over it.  When that happened it really caused me to question myself and caused me to stumble. There came a point where I didn't want to deal with all their issues around it and mine anymore. I was not able to cope so tried to kill myself. But I did work through it and I did eventually process it. But it took 10 years after it happened though to be *able* too.  

I think I process a lot of important issues and things that push buttons inside - slower then other issues. I know I have gotten better on processing some stuff but some issues I think will always be slow.  It can be hard on the people around me and I wish I knew how to help them understand and cope - when really I don't feel they should have to wait for me to catch up but I can't go faster then I am able.  

I know for me to process it slower means it won't be rushed, stuffed away or just put it in denial land.  By processing it when I am able - I won't forget little things that might be forgotten if I just try to "deal" and "accept." I know that when I have tried to deal with things faster - things fall apart for me in ways I don't want to go through again.  Even though I know that I am able to cope with outside pressures better.

I am actually going through a pretty major issue and it is going slow.  It is frustrating for me as well as those around me. But I am doing the best I can and continue to work on it in the ways I am able too right now.   

last week

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2 Years

In 2010, I only did  30 posts for the whole year, but I understand why as that was the year my Uncle died and  Kam also died and I pretty much pulled away from everything. I only did 31 posts in 2011.  I didn't even post in the first 3 months of 2011.  The only reason I started post in April of 2011 is because we met some people who were moving to the area and now are good friends. I wanted to share the experience of meeting like minded people.

I am now coming up on the 2 year anniversary of both my Uncle's death and Kam's.  I am happy to say although I miss them and still have moments of grieving - sadness that come up - I am over the biggest parts of my grieving.  I know that many things helped me get through it all.   Master of course is one of the main reasons I was able to move forward.  He was really great in just supporting me and understanding when things seemed to be falling apart around here. He helped me when he could and of course he got frustrated and angry at some things I did but he still was there for me.  Other things that helped me were good friends - such as the friends we met last year that moved to the area. I can't imagine not having them around - even if we only see them once a month or every other month.  I enjoy their company so much.  They have come to mean so much to me and I count them as blessings in my life.

Meeting katie was also a big moment for me that helped me keep looking forward as she is such a lovely person who is so inspiring to be around.  I really wished we would have had more time together but so glad we keep our friendship alive through online contact at least.  I truly don't know what I would do without such a wonderful friend who I can be myself with even when complaining or sharing joy. You are a beautiful person inside and out katie and I love and adore you!   So thankful we were able to meet in 2011 and hope to see you again in 2012.

My long time friends have been a great help too - Jouet and Jessica. Jouet for making me laugh and telling me wonderful stories of her life. They were always a good distraction and it is always fun to live vicariously through others.  The cupcake story I still replay in my head often. :)   Jessica - for allowing me to cry and vent even when it was irrational. Thank you so much for being there even when I was at my worst.  I love you both so much and am so thankful to have you as friends.

And last but not least I know that teacup coming into our lives really helped me look forward to the future...giving me hope for a bright future. A future I have dreamed about for so long and was not sure we were going to find someone to fit into.  She came to us in an unexpected way when we weren't looking and now we are moving towards being a family. I cherish the memories we have already created and look forward to the ones we will make in the days to come. I love and adore you, teacup. Thank you for coming into our lives and wanting to be a part of this family with all the ups and downs.

I know I am forgetting people - so many people reached out to me during my struggles and I appreciate every single person...each time someone commented on my livejournal or blog, emailed me, dropped me an offline message or message on fetlife - it meant the world to me and helped me through it.  I have amazing friends and family - I am very thankful for having such a good life and you all enriching it.

Day to Day

So thought I would do a little life update as I hadn't done one in a while...


Master and I were all prepared to be traveling across country for his work. It would have given me a chance to see my friends in Ohio - just for a night but at least one evening with them would have been amazing. It also was going to give us a chance to stop off and see teacup too before heading home.  Just a day or two before we were going to leave it got called off. We thought it was going to be reschedule and now...it is pretty much been call off for good.  It really is disappointing for us. Seeing my friends in Ohio would have been so great. I miss them more then I think I let myself realize. It wasn't until I wrote them to say I might be coming that I really let those flood gates open. The thought of sitting and talking with Moni, Angel and everyone else just make me feel so good.  Not to mention it would have meant more time with teacup - because although she is visiting soon we don't live near each other so anytime with her is so good.  So disappointment all around.  


As teacup kept saying everything happens for a reason - well as it does turn out Master started feeling really bad about 2 days before we would have left and he ended up with the most nasty flu/cold which he then passed on to me. I don't think I have ever been so sick. I am still recovering actually.  But there for a while the body aches, fever and headache were really doing a number on me.  So it would have been horrible to be this sick on the road so I guess that is the reason why we didn't go. 


Because I have been so sick that I have gotten off the schedule of things I wanted to get done before teacup visits so the next couple weeks for me will be busy busy. 



kaya wrote a great entry on her blog about  having a threesome with her Master and poly...goes into the great sex and also the feeling around just having someone else in his/their life.  It says so many things that I totally related to and understood from both sides actually from being in her position she is in now  to being the other woman and how that position relates to the couple.  So...taking a little piece from kaya's recent writing about her threesome with her Master....


"I am not immune to the normal fears. Of course I worry about being replaced. I worry that she’s better (easier?) than I am. I wonder why I’m not enough. I worry that he’ll prefer to spend time with her over me because she’s new and shiny and she hasn’t had 8 years of picking up dirty socks to curb her enthusiasm."


I have said something similar over and over. I am the old shoe. And she is the new shoe.* She is shiny and bright and you want to wear her all the time. I am the old shoe that has been cleaning his toilets and picking up his dirty underwear for the last 9 years so being in the relationship day in and day out does make some of the shiny go away.  (*This is the generic version of she and not referring just to teacup)  I am not saying we don't have fun and we have moments of shiny but our moments have moments of mundane day to day life in it. And often with shiny the new relationship energy is there and making everything bright even the mundane.


In my past poly relationships and past relationship with my ex-husband, I never felt replacable.  So this is something that happened with Master. I always have chalked it up to - my relationship with him is different then it has been with anyone else. Really that comes into it very strongly.  Because with him everything changed on how I function within a relationship.  



The other night Master and I stayed up all night having a discussion turned argument turned discussion about something that actually in the end revealed a key point of my internal dialog - why I have these particular little tapes that play that tell me I am replaceable. I have a fear of being replaced by teacup and all the logical and rational thought I throw it - doesn't really calm those feelings down much. These feelings really didn't come out strong until her but I remember when we started this path I did have the nagging feelings inside that said that I could be replaced. Now I figured out the underlying reasons for some of the feelings a while back but it was really the other night that Master and I figured out the bottom line where it all steams from. It isn't pretty.  It isn't something I am going to discuss here so sorry for eluding to it but not saying it but just the way it goes....the reason I am talking about it because I had fears that after we told teacup about it that she wouldn't want to be with us.  She of course handled with grace and understanding that she always seems to have in abundance....she accepted it and was very supportive in doing anything she can to help me get through this.  I am very thankful we found someone who is such an amazing person inside and out. So kind and caring - I love and adore her. I can't wait until she is here. 

I'm Coming Out

Is there any way to come out without having the Diana Ross song I'm Coming Out in my head? I don't think so....



Last year when both my Uncle and my former Master died, my depression really took a downward spiral and I sat in my doctors office and started crying. He called in the therapist from down the hall. And since that day - I have been seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for it. It has helped so much not only for my grief but just helped me with other issues I had going on.

I have not outted myself to her about the M/s relationship I have with Master, but I have told her about some of my past relationships - that I enjoyed kink and that I have been poly in past relationships. I also told her I was an escort. But she doesn't know anything about my current relationship dynamic. Master has been in support for me coming out to her about our relationship. But I just haven't been comfortable with it. Although I adore her and trust her to be very open-minded as she has been about everything I have told. I know bottom line if she feels something is harming me she will tell me. And I don't want to hear it if she thinks that some of my problems stem from our dynamic. Yes, we do think that some of my problems do stem from it because of the isolation and the dynamic creating co-dependency issues that cause a chain reaction of other issues such as I now have social anxiety issues that I have always had but now are amplified because of the isolation and because I do everything with Master.

A little history, I have done therapy in my late twenties to mid-thirties. Every therapist I came out to was very uncomfortable with the kink and D/s. It was the reason I stopped going as I felt it was making my relationship with my therapist too uncomfortable and I was sick of feeling judged by it so I stopped going even though I felt I still needed some help to sort through some things.

So there is that little voice sounding off inside me that I might be judged. The hard part is that I like my current therapist so much that I don't want to do or say anything that might hurt that connection I've made with her. While I realize she isn't like any of my past therapists the insecurity remains.

Bottom line, I am so thankful I finally gave in to seeing someone. My doctor had asked me repeatedly over the years if I wanted to go to see someone. I have been on anti-depressants for the last couple of years. So when we have our yearly review of medications, he asks if I want to talk to someone and I've always said no. Too many bad experiences and the feeling of being judged I had to wrangle the thoughts in my head about starting over with my life history with someone new. As it was, it took almost 2 sessions to just do the intake with her.

But with last years events...I needed help. I am so thankful that my doctor pulled in my therapist and I am so fortunate that we've clicked. I mean really instantly I felt comfortable with her and I just started spilling. She made me feel comfortable and she is really good at giving me a perspective that works for me - in a way that makes me be able to see it. She gets inside my head really easily - knows how I tick. It is really amazing sometimes she knows what I am thinking when I feel I am sitting there straight faced but having an "Oh Shit" moment. She knows it too. She has helped me in communicating in difficult situations like with my father who is so hard to talk to - who has a knack for pushing my buttons. It's been incredible how she's helped me in so many ways.

So skipping ahead a bit. Several months ago Master started seeing someone local and it is hard to not talk about it - in therapy. It was hard not mention Master's girl. (I don't have a name to call her in this blog yet - something we will work on though) I've had some issues. Issues I felt my therapist could help me sort through. So with Master's blessing, I came out to my therapist about the poly.

WOW!

She handled it AMAZINGLY!

It was that moment where I wished everyone was like her! Really every issue - the kink, the escorting - she has always handled so well. I asked her if she knew what poly was and she gave me the definition without having to go to a book or to the web. When I had told her about Kam and poly (early on in our sessions), we just went over things briefly. Ever since then I didn't know if she even knew what I meant when I mentioned poly before. I had explained to her that when I moved in with Kam, he was involved with more than one woman with all of our knowledge and consent. I discussed that I enjoyed it but also some of the issues I had with it. I told her towards the end of that relationship, I dated multiple men and women - again with everyone's knowledge and consent.

She told me that whatever is done between consenting adults she felt was fine as long as everyone was okay with it. (Insert gaping mouth expression.) No ridicule, no condemnation, no criticism. Then when I told her about Master seeing his girl, the same thing. No qualms, no judgment, no problem. She has really great views about poly. How I feel she gets it, stems from some of the things she has said to me about poly are the same things I've said to others who have approched me for advice. I guess sometimes it is hard for me to take my own advice, but hearing it from her has been good. She has a different perspective on other things though too, so that helps too to hear another view. She just in general has a wonderful view on poly which makes even more relaxing to open up and share. We had a whole rant one day when we were talking about sex and poly - and she said "Americans are just to uptight about sex."

She has some different views though that just wouldn't work in my dynamic so I've had to just politely nod. Will I out myself someday that I'm in the M/s, bdsm lifestyle? I really don't know. Master says I will. But I do know she has been great about everything else I have told her so part of me thinks she'll get it. Of course there is the other part of me that worries about how all of this will be seen in the big picture. I just know that there have been times when I just sit there looking at her like wow are you for reals? I have lucked out to have such a great therapist and glad I have come out to her about the poly.

Master's Moods

There is a thread on FetLife about how slaves pick up and react to their Owner's moods. This has always been a problem for me with Master. When he didn't have his own business and worked outside the home, his hours were insane and he was always stressed so he would come home cranky quite a bit and whatever he was feeling quickly became how I felt too. It was hard for me to not to take his moods personally too. I often felt as though he was mad at me even though logically I knew it was his job. But his demeanor along with the mood just made it feel like he was mad at me. So it was hard for me to shake off.

At one point I started to try be so cheerful and happy that it would help his mood but it didn't usually help his mood. And just frustrated me and made me cranky too. I only found 2 things that helped make get him out of that mood but both are hard to accomplish when he is cranky. It took a lot of clever and cunning work on my part and timing - timing had to perfect - and that was to make him laugh. And I am not a funny person. I just don't make people laugh so it takes lot thought on my part and timing to get it done right. And when Master is mad not a lot of things seem funny to him so again takes just the right things to make him laugh. And the other thing that will work but again timing has to be right is to coax him out of his pants so I can give him a blowjob. A blowjob does wonders for his mood. :)

Now that he works at home - he is cranky less often but when he is, I am still a sponge soaking up his mood. He gets up before me and if I get up in a good mood and he is in bad mood - it can ruin my whole day even if he gets in a better mood by the end of the day. I have had depression on and off my whole life and unfortunately sometimes that mood can make me sink. I just get really spiraling into it. And again even though he might get out of the mood - doesn't mean I do. I just have trouble pulling myself out at times.

We also have to add in that we are in a poly relationship because it of course works that if he is having problems in his other relationship that can bleed into ours. And that is hard to deal when he becomes distracted and moody because of it. And vice versa - he and I are having a problem and it bleeds to them. And is distracted and moody with her. So it becomes a chain reaction.

I think it common that those in relationships feel the moods of others in the relationship. I know that Master at times feels my moods too. For us though we try to be open and clear about what we are feeling so that the other person knows it isn't there stuff. Master will tell me that he isn't mad at me that he is having a bad day with work things and that helps me not soak those emotions up as much. Or I just ask what is going on to see if I can help and then help and if not it helps me take a step back from it. Of course it doesn't always work as I said above I have a history of depression so I can get caught into the spiral of emotions. But trying is what matters. And keep trying is what matters. And sometimes it works.

End

Well, end of a long hard day. I have a few more hard days coming. But then…the beginning of the end…

It is the beginning of the end. End of this chapter. I have been crying lots today of course.

There are so many feelings and thoughts flying through my mind. My body is so tired and all I want is for my mind to be as tired as my body. I feel aches in places I forgot I could ache LOL

I stopped writing to eat take out Chinese food…it is one of my favorites.

This week seems like it is going to be so long and hard…

I am saying the same things over and over…so I suppose it is time to just stop writing.

Sunday Op-Ed

1. Blood What is something that a whip can draw? What is something that a cane can draw too?

Oh how it would be nice to be…having blood drawn right now.

2. Sweat What everyone did in moving me today?

Today I think we all were sweating. The guys mostly though.

3. Tears What I had bouts of several times today?

I broke down in tears several times today. It is getting harder and harder….

Now I am ready for a hot shower.

Easy or Hard

I feel…

Frustrated at the moment. I was up early and have accomplished a lot already even though I have I feel so much more to do. But the reason I feel frustrated now....is because it is just so hard to open up....

I am going to do that thing I do every once in a while…

Compare…I know not the best thing to do but I am trying to figure out something…

When I talk to Nick…it is so easy. He makes me want to open up to him. He compels me to just open up and share everything. I feel very free to do that. I feel close and safe to him after I share. I feel he is giving me feedback. I feel he is sharing…back.

When I talk to Monseigneur E that is not the same…it seems hard. I do feel safe to open up.

I just talked to Monseigneur E about some of this and he shared his reason with me. And I understand what he means. But…it seems like more then that to me.

When I was in Memphis I felt the process of submitting more. I felt that I was reacting to the control. But that it was part of the process. Then I am in Cleveland…and I am stressed and I don’t feel that reactance. I don’t feel the process at all either. In a conversation Monseigneur E and I had yesterday, I said I was talking to him as a woman. And he does not go in and out of a role. And basically there is not room in our relationship for that either. I don’t see myself out of the role either. But I do see myself as all these different parts…the woman, the daughter, the friends…and the submissive. All are meshed together…each affects the other part. Just because I am sharing with him, as woman does not mean I am not submissive to him. I just feel that outward…high protocol D/s is not there in that moment. To me it is just a lower level of protocol when I am sharing with him as woman. And if he were to share with me as a man. It would not mean he was not my Dominant in it.

I guess I feel a lower level of protocol now…in Cleveland. But it is scaring me as I am getting way to comfortable in it.

I did a speech on living 24/7 and the different levels of protocol. It was based on some of the teachings of The Estate. Laura Antoniou even talked about them too. She was totally impressed by the slaves.

Anyway, I am floundering…

I feel alone. And I part of me hears Monseigneur E saying that I am doing it to myself. But I feel I have reached out for help many times…

So only conclusion I can come to is....I am not doing it the right way. But I want to know...how.

Different Pages

I feel right now I am trying to open up and talk to Monseigneur E but I get to a certain point and then I take the step back over my side of the door. And I don’t trust and so I close up.

He told me today he had 2 choices….when I told him today I wanted to turn off. And he does. I did not expect him to say anything really. I knew how he would handle it before he said. But I have 2 choices too…I can keep trying to open up or I do whatever he wants. The first is what I am doing…the best I can with right now.

I think he believes making a conscious choice to turning off and pulling away would more agonizing then what is happening right now. I disagree. Right now I feel I am doing work to open up, but I am not learning how…and that agony and frustration are making me pull back and draining me.

I am trying to find an analogy to use….but of course nothing is coming to mind. I just feel it takes trust to open up and I am not….feeling I am being given….something to trust. I am know I am not explaining this well. I need to learn to trust him….and the only way I can see is sharing of info and with that sharing…I learn to trust him. And I don’t feel like it is sharing. I feel like I am suppose to open up spill everything out and just keep going.

And I don’t know if I can trust. I don’t know if the info will be used against me. I don’t know I won’t be hurt. And I don’t feel I am getting any help to learn that those things won’t happen.

I mean the more and more….I get to point of going this is just a “visit.” Not a trial. Just a visit. Because I am *trying* and I feel very alone in trying right now.

We talked on the phone today. I am not sure it was a good conversation. I feel like our communication is on different pages all the time. And I want to be on the same page….I feel I try and then I start slip off the page....and he is standing there watching.

He shared lots of his opinions of me today. None of them very flattering. But he is telling me things I don’t think that I need to hear right now. And then he asked me a question that was one of those that I needed to open up on. So I talked….and there would be silence. And so I would say more and then silence. And then say more and silence. And then I got to that point inside where I could not do it anymore because my red flags were going off don’t trust…don’t open up anymore. And so I would feel like I take that step back over my side of the door way again. And here I just opened up gave all this info and feel very unsafe that I did that.

Nightmares

Last night I did not sleep well at all...of course....I know surprise surprise. I woke Kam up with nightmares. And then the 2nd set of them....were the worst...things from childhood and then Don. I could not get calmed down and back to sleep....so I called Nick. He answered the phone..."you are having nightmares?" We chatted about what was going on and then his classes. He made me laugh and get my mind off things and I went back to sleep for a few hours.

I feel the roller coaster ride that I was on yesterday and better part of today is coming down. My emotions are more even.

I understand what he meant when he said what he did. I don't agree with it still. But I understand it. I feel he was seeing my point of view also. And that mattered to me.

I thought I had all my emotions and thoughts of Don all dealt with and stored away and one comment sent me spinning into flashbacks and nightmares. That frustrates me to no end.

So, now I worry about a couple things....that something will happen to trigger it. And that anyone I am with will worry about it. I remember after I told Jim about Don and some of the things he did. Jim stopped touching me. And when I would make sexual advances he would be confused...and back off. He could not understand WHY I wanted sex.

I do want all I say and all the things I have done in the past. I just am a little nervous now if it triggers emotional response that is directly related to things with Don. I don't want Monseigneur E...or even Nick to hold back and be cautious...or stop and leave. The last is of course the greatest fear.

Anger

My anger is going up and down.

Resentments will build though and are already...as I do realize there is something tonight I expect. Not support. Not agreement. But something else.

I am going to go on a little rant and please no one read into this....it is me venting....

When I worked as co-facilitator of rape survivor groups....I saw lots of different women and all of their stories of what happened....different. How and why they got there where all different. But bottom line was none of them deserved what they got. Even if they put themselves in a position where it "could" happen....where it was probable....they still in my opinion did not deserve it.

That to me...is like saying....I got in a car accident and I deserved it because you know...I got in the car. I mean it is probable to get in an accident. I mean we all might as well start...stop living life if we might have something happen.

I trust people. I am naive at times. I admit that fully. But for all the naivety in me...I would not trade it to...put more walls up. I have enough of those up as is....

I have reached out. The door is not closed. But to me it takes two.

I just flashed to something that happened with my business and someone else said something similar....about "you put yourself at risk you must have to expect it could happen"

You know what....NO I DON'T. I do not expect anyone to act anything less then his or her best. My naivety at it's best huh? I should have gotten already that people don't have the courage to do the right thing. Please look at what Di did. *rolls eyes*

My anger level rising again.

Since being back from Memphis...I am on an emotional roller coaster. And I do not like this at all. Life...was smoother.

Despite what others think...moving is stressful for me. Leaving Kam is stressful. Despite....having ups and downs with him for 4 years...I love him. And he is still my Daddy. And it is hurting so much to know that I am losing my Daddy. I hate saying it out loud. I have not been...I have not even admitted he was Daddy still...really. It says it in my who's who...I put it becuase it was the first thing I thought and felt. And it is true but I skim past it fast. And he has actually been great...since I got back from Memphis. He was there for me when I was screaming last night. He has been here for me today when I had flashbacks. Why do I have to explain all the stress in my life? F*ck

Stress? What is stress?

Well, I think that tends to be a pretty personal thing. What stress' me...might not stress someone else.

Stresses in my life....have I caused them? yes for sure some of them I have. Is there some that are out of my control? yes for sure.

This weekend...I had something happen that kind of tainted my evening at SMART. I was out of it but not to the point of being unhealthy for me...which is a good thing. Today what happened seems to be affecting me even more. It started last night though. I had a rough night of sleeping. Nightmares.

I got a few things done this morning and then signed online to do mail. And ended up chatting....trying to open up and now I feel like I want to slam the door....put a big lock on it. I hate this feeling.......

I am angry right now. So angry....not angry like I was when Di told me about her and Todd. But angry and hurt because someone I was just starting to open up to said one of those things you don't say to someone who went through what I did. That is the first thing wrong with it. Then of course what he said....I did not agree with and still don't.

I don't even know what to be writing. I am just so mad that words don't even seem enough. I am very lucky I am not there or I would have lashed out. I backspaced LOTS! this morning.

Issues

Music: Ottmar Liebert ~ Nouveau Flamenco 1990-2000
Rune: Raido ~ Journey, Communication, Union, Reunion

I am putting off writing this morning. I know I need to. The Rune I pulled out of the bag fits this mornings feelings.

So, lets see if I can get into a good ramble lol

Sunday I spent most the day in planning meetings for SMART. Monday I spent running errands and paying bills and then had a date on Monday night. Tuesday I was up early and did not sleep well on Monday night. I was pretty much drained yesterday because of the lack of sleep. Then went to GNO (girl’s night out) last night and that was nice. We had some good discussions : )

I need to get packing done today but I also need to go run to Walmart and Kmart to return some stuff…with the credit get some more storage boxes. I also need to get quarters for laundry. I have so much laundry right now. I feel like the daily life stuff is really getting in the way of packing this week. I really need to devote tomorrow and Friday to it. Moni last night said something about Libra’s procrastinating. I do that so much. Kam has told me I do better when under pressure. Recently I was suppose to have dinner with someone. And I was putting it off because it is one of those that I like it once I am there but I dread it until that point. So, I put it off and put it off and then when I can’t anymore then it is like I say to myself…“well now you just HAVE to do it.” And so I just do it and it comes through great.

I do a similar thing with issues or big subjects I should be thinking about. Such as I wrote that I am not thinking about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda as much as I was…I psych myself out. So I have stopped thinking about it as much and then the last few days before I have to leave is when I will then start panicking about all the things I should have talked to Monseigneur E and Linda about before getting there.

I, of course, have concerns and thoughts floating around in the back of my mind that sometimes push to the front. Such as I wonder how Monseigneur E’s treatment of me while there will affect Linda and more importantly how it will affect her and my relationship. I have other things that are concerns Monseigneur E and I have already discussed but still float around in my head and that bothers me.

I opened up to Nick faster then I wanted but he also met me at a time when I was very vulnerable…because I was still feeling the effects of Todd breaking up and then very fresh wound of him moving away. So Nick got to see a very emotional danae right from the start. Instead of having to break down walls. I was in the midst of trying to put those walls back in place as he started getting to know me. So, he was inside the structure before I finished. They are back up in place.

When I had Monseigneur E in the friends category, I talked more openly then I do now, because I did not “feel” he was going to get inside my head and use those things against me. I know logically when I think about this and look at his relationship with Linda, I can see that I can trust him. But emotionally…I hold back. I get scared of the fact he will see something and say, “I don’t want to have you come visit.” And I know that insecurity is one that is hanging on from what I went through with Todd.

I told Monseigneur E probably my biggest deep dark skeleton in the closet and he did not react shocked or scared at all. So, I should logically be able to see nothing else is going to scare him. Last week when…it felt like my world crumbled away, Monseigneur E changed the plans. And logically I can say I understand that reason and it was good he is looking out for me and taking pressures off me. But there is this little teeny tiny voice that says he postponed it because of falling apart and he saw that side me and did not like it. Again logically I can dispel that thought and feeling.

I stopped writing for about 15 minutes was on the phone. Trying to get back in my rambling mode….

I feel this week…alone, scared, and tired…drained emotionally. I just want to be. Just not have to worry about the things I am and just live life again.

My I Ching reading last month said I would know the right time to move. And when I was in Memphis, I knew it. I knew when I came back I would have to move.

Everything just seems like it is on fast forward.

Moni said last night that I like issues. I don’t like chaos, but I usually do have an issue in my life I am dealing with. And I thought about what would it be like without an issue in my life? Interesting thought huh?

Right now though it does not feel like just issues…it feels like my life is chaotic. And I guess that is why I am floundering so right now. I have issues. I get through it. I have had chaos too but the last time life was really chaotic…the way I dealt with it was not a way that I will ever do again. I enjoy the silence I get now so much. I appreciate it. But right now things aren’t silent, but it is a different kind of noise then it was before. I do get some silence when I finally get things to slow down at night. It is just taking me longer to slow everything down right now.

I have friends that are hurting and have things going on with them and I want to help them all. I have all these obligations to people and organizations. Financial worries are of course stressing me. Being homeless is weighing on my mind. Issues with Kam, feelings for Nick, feelings and thoughts going through my mind about Monseigneur E and Linda. I feel like I am on roller coaster right now…and I want to get off of it. What I really want to do today is crawl into bed for a few days and get some sleep and ground myself…recharging my energy. I just feel right now everything depletes it so fast.

And when I get like this the questions and doubts start pushing their way in also. And right now I feel that prickle of stress…the tension shooting down my neck down through my back. And really I would like to be beat LOL and let out anger and tears. I want to scream at someone but that is not really fair lol I want to cry and have someone tell me everything is going to be okay.

Life was so calm…once upon a time. Lets hope it will be again soon.

Active Life

Written Sunday 7pm

This weekend was busy for me as usual. Life in Cleveland just has fallen into its usual routine even with all the changes in my life going on…I am still very active in the community and with my friends. Which is something I don’t want to change. This week is going to be very busy for me. My goal is to get majority if packing, giving away, sorting, and organizing this week done. I want to by Thursday to have things all organized which I want to give away and have people come over anytime after that until I move and have my freebie market. Since Monseigneur E postponed my visit…my stress level has went down. I am still very stressed about getting it all done but having some extra time is making it a lesser stress. I was so overwhelmed last week it was hard to just pick one things and do it. I could not get my focus and now he helped me get it.

I miss talking to both Monseigneur E and Linda…after I have not for a while…I miss them. With Nick it is this craving in me that wants to talk to him daily even when I don’t get to. I told someone yesterday…I don’t have that with Monseigneur E yet. Well, I spoke too soon. I am actually craving to talk to both Monseigneur E and Linda. I have had some quick chats but since I have been back in Cleveland…I feel like I have not “talked” with them. I have chatted but not talked. So tonight I am missing Monseigneur E and Linda. : (

After hanging out with Katrina last night, I have lots of little things going through my mind. It is always good to share things with someone else. Katrina also understands so much of what I desire…so it is nice to be able to talk about those things. I told her things last night how he makes me feel and did while I was in Memphis. And those things made me feel the control and how much my life is going to change.

Written 12:40am - Monday

Well, I just came back from a good cry. I was upset and crying with things with Nick the other night. I have had some tears with things that have been happening these past weeks but I have not cried. And I am not sure that makes sense. I have not had that release of all the stress that is building and building…crying is often the way I do that. I had tears but not cried…I have not laid in my bed, hugging my pillow and cried. So, that is what I did tonight after Monseigneur E and Linda signed off. And I feel better but I feel like there is more there…unfortunately.

The crying tonight started because…of something specific. I felt internally…this wall come down. I am in a cautious mode right now…I feel like I am exposed…or more at risk right now to be exposed and hurt because I have so many changes going on. And I felt like something was vulnerable and I needed to batten the hatches down so to speak. I did not like that it was happening because I don‘t want it to happen. I want to be open with both Monseigneur E and Linda. So, that was one thing I was crying about because I was upset with myself for closing off. By the time Monseigneur E left I opened it up again though...some at least.

I am going to have to talk about the things I wrote in my offline journal this weekend. It just is opening me up. But I need to do that before I visit. I can’t get there like I am now…or things will go really slow.

Anyway…I am sorry I closed up. And I am going to work on not doing that again. Even though I think it is going to be something that I don’t even recognize until I am doing it. I did not realize it tonight right away.

Going to bed…this week is going to be full of long days. I need to get some sleep.

Parents

Something I forgot to add to the journal entry below....

I talked to my parents today to tell them what is going on. And my mom was great. But I wanted to go off on my dad so much. He does not know anything about my life. I don't tell them about my life purposely even if my life was vanilla I would not. I don't want them to interfer. I love them to pieces but they sometimes like to interfer...and only when I am single. When I was married it was very few and far between times where my parents added their 2 cents.

So today my mom was not home at first when I called and my dad said...."you have not had a job for 4 years so you should have known you would be in these circumstances." I wanted to say you have not had a call for money hardly ever how does he think I live? I can't tell them well my first 2 years here I was a slave and that was my job. And my last 2 years here I had a sucessful business that I can't tell you anything about as you/society would not approve of. Uggghhhh

It was totally annoying. It was typical of my dad though.

I said to him "well Dad you know nothing of my life and it is MY life..not yours." Then my mom just got home and so she got on the phone and I pulled it together to not sound upset because I knew that would upset her. And told her about the wonderful people who were helping me out by letting me live with them....Lisa and her husband. :) And told her that I would get their number to her an all that. I am going to be canceling my aol account so but will let everyone know ahead of time and email will just change to danaewhispering@yahoo.com so just changing the aol to yahoo. That will be easy enough. Okay done venting lol

Moving Through it All

Music: Diana Krall
Rune: Eihwaz ~ Defense & Avertive Powers

I am doing much better then last night. The asthma attack really surprised me last night because I just have not had one associated with stress in a very long time.

Last night Nick wrote me an email that I did not handle well at all. The email hit me really hard. I guess I got what I asked for…I said I wanted him to blame me more and he certainly did that…: ) He got out his anger. And I am glad he did even though it hurt.

Monseigneur E and Linda got to see me at my best LOL They got to see me fall apart. At least they got see a not so good side of me. They both handled so well. I was very lucky to have them helping me. I have felt a little weird about it today…embarrassed that they saw me like that. I mean I was here…but I know they could tell what it would be like in person to see me falling apart like that.

Both of them helped me calm down and focus. To slow my mind and my emotions down and focus on what I needed to do to respond.

During the conversation….with Monseigneur E….he gave me a choice/decision to make. And I was so out of control…my mind spinning….my emotions hitting me from every direction…so that I could not think. I could not make a decision that would be best for me…I felt. So he made it for me. Which was perfectly fine with me. And the decision was that I needed to handle things with Nick and postpone visiting.

Monseigneur E and Linda both helped me get focus and start writing down thoughts I would need to cover when I called Nick.

I posted to my journal not thinking….just feeling before I calmed down and was focusing. Nick ended up reading it and was concerned and so-called just as I was printing off my thoughts I had wrote down. So his timing was perfect.

We talked and did a lot of communicating. I remained even. Really I did. I was clearer in communicating then I have been in weeks. I was more focused on each topic I needed to cover and each concern and issue he brought up I was able to focus and be clear in what I felt and thought. He said why could we have not had this discussion when I was in Memphis and called him and told him about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda. I am not sure why not. I just have been very overwhelmed lately with all the changes. Everything seems like it is happening very fast. And so my thoughts are fast and out of control. And so are my feelings.

In talking to him….I also felt very cared for….he communicated how he felt about me much more then he ever has…and I now get he does care and he does not want to lose me. I learned a lot of what he has felt for almost the whole year of knowing me that I did not know….things about my past. I understand why he has done some of the things he has done. He knows now he should have talked to me about them. So I guess we are on a path of communicating better…which is always a good thing.

He knows I am still going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. He knows why I need to. He knows that nothing is set for sure….this is trial visit. But we won’t know how things go or work until I am there. And 2 ½ weeks is much different then thinking of life day in and day out of all the things that happen….just the routine of life.

So thing are good with Nick - the best they can be with me going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. I think we still have some talking to do but my world is not fallen apart. As I felt it did last night.

Today I was very busy….did some running around and did not accomplish much actually. Tomorrow I get to go to a Bi Mixer…with a great bunch of women.

I really feel like I am not going to be done moving. My pile of to give a way is growing LOL I am going to invite people over next week to browse through my freebie market lol

Aydeen described what is going on with me right now, as like what Robin does in book 2 the Slave. Where she sells, gives away and puts just essentials in storage. It does feel like that.

Going through lots of transitions and on that note I am going to post this.

Side Note: My archives have disappeared it looks like for good from Blogspot. I have saved them all so I am hoping after I am done moving to republish them all on my website..so I have a real archive again....instead of the first 3 months and this months. Really sucks and I try not to think about it too much as I think it will depress me.

Plans Changed

Funny how fast things change....

One email...and I am crying and had a little asthma attack....

And plans have changed and I am not going to Monseigneur E's and Linda's right now...as planned. I can't type anymore then that because....I can't really focus to get words out.

Want Love

Right now I am also trying to learn to slow the feelings down… and think. I want to try to do that not sure it will work though.

I felt last night that I was losing Nick. And it hurt and so I went to bed very upset and sad. Today, I am still worried about that, but I also have a different perspective on how Nick is acting right now. I hope Nick does not push me out of his life. He says he is not. But he does have anger towards what is going on. I hurt Nick so that is expected. But as Monseigneur E told me…there are options. And I don’t think Nick is seeing them. Nick admitted last night he did look back and saw how I was pulling away more and more. So, it is not like Monseigneur E came in and pushed Nick aside. He is blaming Monseigneur E… I believe he should put more blame on me then he is doing. Because I am the one that crossed the line I put out there.

Last night I told Nick of something that Monseigneur E had me do. Nick asked me a question…he asked me why I did not say something about “telling” Nick before “doing.” I mean how it happened took Nick by surprise. And part of me did not think Nick would be upset or surprised because…he never asked me to do what I did, so having it disappear did not seem like something he would even notice. But it was a big deal. And I am sorry I did not ask Monseigneur E if I could tell Nick before doing what I did.

The above paragraph I wrote earlier in the day. But now…I wonder why did I need to tell Nick first? I called him when Monseigneur E took control and he knew I was submitting to Monseigneur E then so why do I have to call and get that okayed. Not that it is to be okayed….I know he just wanted to know. Well, I was letting him know. He knows I have to obey Monseigneur E. I did not want him to happen upon it and see the change so I called him to let him know. I think that was common curiosity. I think Nick was just reacting on emotion. And it pissed him off and so he reacted.

He had a sense of security with me. I believe he felt I would just be here always. And then when we were able….because there are circumstances preventing us from meeting. But before…why not before…because we took it for granted I believe. I felt I was communicating that I was lacking things…before and after I started pulling away. But from what he is saying to me. I am not sure I communicated it clear enough.

Last night the thought came through….am I doing the wrong thing? I love Nick as much as I can without ever meeting someone. He asked me how I feel about Monseigneur E. I don’t love him. I don’t see myself loving him. Aydeen and I talked about this last night too. Not that I won’t care about him because of course I already do. I care for both him and Linda, as they are people I consider very good friends I respect them a lot.

I think…hope Nick understand some of my motivations behind making the decisions I am making now. I know it still does not change things but at least he knows what went into my thought process to get me to this point.

At one point I got very angry with Nick on the phone last night and I started to raise my voice…and then stopped. I did not notice it until later when I hung up. My motivations with Nick are different then Monseigneur E. There are similar elements but also one main element being different.

Nick asked me why I changed what Monseigneur E told me too. I told him…duty. It did not cross my mind not do what he told me. I did not like it. I did not want to change it. I did not change it to that point for a couple reasons. I gave a commitment to do what he tells me and put his wishes first for this time period. And so I would be dishonoring that commitment and not following through on my word. And I know Nick understands that as honor and integrity mean a lot to him…not only because of his military background. I know that Nick is wondering about if Monseigneur E will forbid me to talk to Nick. I told him that Monseigneur E would not do that. I tried to explain Monseigneur E’s thoughts…as Aydeen basically asked the same question to Monseigneur E. I just know Nick is not trusting Monseigneur E. I wish he would talk to him because I think a lot of what he is feeling and thinking would be given a different outlook that he would like. Maybe. *shrugs*

Yesterday, was much better then Monday. And actually the thing that helped me was talking to Monseigneur E on the phone Monday night. I pulled myself together before I called. I think I sounded normal lol Which is better then I was sounding 20 mins before then. I am still very tense about getting things done and ran past some of my ideas on what I am going to do with moving....with Aydeen on the phone last night.

Tuesday Monseigneur E and I discussed what he was trying to accomplish with Monday’s lecture. It did not quite work how he wanted. And I see what he was trying to do. I also understand it...but that type of thing does not work with me. It shut me down and also overwhelmed more. Like I said above what helped me was chatting with him on the phone Monday night. And what we talked about did not really have to do with anything we talked about the lecture. But for some reason it helped me....pull together more focus. Maybe just pulling together before I called him helped too? But I know just talking to him helped me. I was really upset. I do feel more calm and focused.

Tuesday I was talking to Linda about 2 men in my life...and how they manipulate me. I don't really see the one quite the way she does. But I do understand it more today. I am a feeling person…I look at feelings…. I see both men reacting out of feelings…and it does not make it right but I understand it. I compare this to past things...this is nothing. It is sad but true. I think about Don and nothing compares to that. (I wrote this before talking to Monseigneur E this morning about Don - clarifying for me in future when I read this and for him - weird that we kind of covered this in our conversation this morning) And maybe they get by with things because of that. Because I have this line that says...here is bad...and here is really bad. And they may come close the bad line at time but not actually touch it because it is so subtle. Where with Don...he just bolted into the really bad section...to the cruel section and that was it.

One thing that I think is going to be a problem with all of us...Monseigneur E, Linda and myself is I rely on my emotions. I use my emotions to decided things…more then I use my brain. And they are people who think and go with what they think then feel I believe. Maybe it will be a good combination. Maybe it will help me rely on thinking more…then feeling.

Monday night I deleted an entry…and told Mistress DM that I did. She asked me why. I told her. She told me I was motivated by fear. I did not want to disappoint Monseigneur E. And in the end…not posting it would disappointment him more but in the moment of deleting it I did not think that. Monday night my thoughts were all over the places…as I was just feeling so much pain. To top things off I have cyst acting up right now and have been in pain the last 2 days and with moving and going through boxes it does not help it. Lifting heavy boxes when it is acting up just causes me to be in more pain. I get used to the pain. It just feels like it is normal for me.

Okay back on topic…Mistress DM then went on to say not to lose myself. I remember her saying that with Todd. I know it is different right now then it was with Todd.

Losing myself…I tried to write about that yesterday. Is it losing myself or is it becoming myself? Being nothing…getting to the core…does not seem like it is losing myself but finding myself. But will things change about me…will some of that individuality…disappear? I don’t have that answer. I did think about it a lot yesterday while I was sitting waiting for an appointment.

Am I already losing myself?

I just opened up a conversation I had with Kevin online in January. He asked me what was the one thing I wanted to see happen with Nick…the one thing I wanted with Nick over everything else. I named fear first… and he said that was not a single thing. And I started naming being caned until I bled, held under water and a few things like that. He then said I was not saying one thing. I said there was not just one thing. I get flashes of images and feelings and not just ONE thing comes to mind. He knew that…so then he changed his question to what was the one thing I want desperately…and I said to be loved.

Has that changed?

I know that is what Michael was touching on when he messaged me while in Memphis. It has not changed. I want love. I want to be loved. But in what Monseigneur E seems to be telling me he will be doing…I think I will find myself. And that…is more important and something I have wanted for so long.

Babbling right now…and I really need to get busy. I will write about that subject more later.