Moving Through it All

Music: Diana Krall
Rune: Eihwaz ~ Defense & Avertive Powers

I am doing much better then last night. The asthma attack really surprised me last night because I just have not had one associated with stress in a very long time.

Last night Nick wrote me an email that I did not handle well at all. The email hit me really hard. I guess I got what I asked for…I said I wanted him to blame me more and he certainly did that…: ) He got out his anger. And I am glad he did even though it hurt.

Monseigneur E and Linda got to see me at my best LOL They got to see me fall apart. At least they got see a not so good side of me. They both handled so well. I was very lucky to have them helping me. I have felt a little weird about it today…embarrassed that they saw me like that. I mean I was here…but I know they could tell what it would be like in person to see me falling apart like that.

Both of them helped me calm down and focus. To slow my mind and my emotions down and focus on what I needed to do to respond.

During the conversation….with Monseigneur E….he gave me a choice/decision to make. And I was so out of control…my mind spinning….my emotions hitting me from every direction…so that I could not think. I could not make a decision that would be best for me…I felt. So he made it for me. Which was perfectly fine with me. And the decision was that I needed to handle things with Nick and postpone visiting.

Monseigneur E and Linda both helped me get focus and start writing down thoughts I would need to cover when I called Nick.

I posted to my journal not thinking….just feeling before I calmed down and was focusing. Nick ended up reading it and was concerned and so-called just as I was printing off my thoughts I had wrote down. So his timing was perfect.

We talked and did a lot of communicating. I remained even. Really I did. I was clearer in communicating then I have been in weeks. I was more focused on each topic I needed to cover and each concern and issue he brought up I was able to focus and be clear in what I felt and thought. He said why could we have not had this discussion when I was in Memphis and called him and told him about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda. I am not sure why not. I just have been very overwhelmed lately with all the changes. Everything seems like it is happening very fast. And so my thoughts are fast and out of control. And so are my feelings.

In talking to him….I also felt very cared for….he communicated how he felt about me much more then he ever has…and I now get he does care and he does not want to lose me. I learned a lot of what he has felt for almost the whole year of knowing me that I did not know….things about my past. I understand why he has done some of the things he has done. He knows now he should have talked to me about them. So I guess we are on a path of communicating better…which is always a good thing.

He knows I am still going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. He knows why I need to. He knows that nothing is set for sure….this is trial visit. But we won’t know how things go or work until I am there. And 2 ½ weeks is much different then thinking of life day in and day out of all the things that happen….just the routine of life.

So thing are good with Nick - the best they can be with me going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. I think we still have some talking to do but my world is not fallen apart. As I felt it did last night.

Today I was very busy….did some running around and did not accomplish much actually. Tomorrow I get to go to a Bi Mixer…with a great bunch of women.

I really feel like I am not going to be done moving. My pile of to give a way is growing LOL I am going to invite people over next week to browse through my freebie market lol

Aydeen described what is going on with me right now, as like what Robin does in book 2 the Slave. Where she sells, gives away and puts just essentials in storage. It does feel like that.

Going through lots of transitions and on that note I am going to post this.

Side Note: My archives have disappeared it looks like for good from Blogspot. I have saved them all so I am hoping after I am done moving to republish them all on my website..so I have a real archive again....instead of the first 3 months and this months. Really sucks and I try not to think about it too much as I think it will depress me.