Easy or Hard

I feel…

Frustrated at the moment. I was up early and have accomplished a lot already even though I have I feel so much more to do. But the reason I feel frustrated now....is because it is just so hard to open up....

I am going to do that thing I do every once in a while…

Compare…I know not the best thing to do but I am trying to figure out something…

When I talk to Nick…it is so easy. He makes me want to open up to him. He compels me to just open up and share everything. I feel very free to do that. I feel close and safe to him after I share. I feel he is giving me feedback. I feel he is sharing…back.

When I talk to Monseigneur E that is not the same…it seems hard. I do feel safe to open up.

I just talked to Monseigneur E about some of this and he shared his reason with me. And I understand what he means. But…it seems like more then that to me.

When I was in Memphis I felt the process of submitting more. I felt that I was reacting to the control. But that it was part of the process. Then I am in Cleveland…and I am stressed and I don’t feel that reactance. I don’t feel the process at all either. In a conversation Monseigneur E and I had yesterday, I said I was talking to him as a woman. And he does not go in and out of a role. And basically there is not room in our relationship for that either. I don’t see myself out of the role either. But I do see myself as all these different parts…the woman, the daughter, the friends…and the submissive. All are meshed together…each affects the other part. Just because I am sharing with him, as woman does not mean I am not submissive to him. I just feel that outward…high protocol D/s is not there in that moment. To me it is just a lower level of protocol when I am sharing with him as woman. And if he were to share with me as a man. It would not mean he was not my Dominant in it.

I guess I feel a lower level of protocol now…in Cleveland. But it is scaring me as I am getting way to comfortable in it.

I did a speech on living 24/7 and the different levels of protocol. It was based on some of the teachings of The Estate. Laura Antoniou even talked about them too. She was totally impressed by the slaves.

Anyway, I am floundering…

I feel alone. And I part of me hears Monseigneur E saying that I am doing it to myself. But I feel I have reached out for help many times…

So only conclusion I can come to is....I am not doing it the right way. But I want to know...how.