Want Love

Right now I am also trying to learn to slow the feelings down… and think. I want to try to do that not sure it will work though.

I felt last night that I was losing Nick. And it hurt and so I went to bed very upset and sad. Today, I am still worried about that, but I also have a different perspective on how Nick is acting right now. I hope Nick does not push me out of his life. He says he is not. But he does have anger towards what is going on. I hurt Nick so that is expected. But as Monseigneur E told me…there are options. And I don’t think Nick is seeing them. Nick admitted last night he did look back and saw how I was pulling away more and more. So, it is not like Monseigneur E came in and pushed Nick aside. He is blaming Monseigneur E… I believe he should put more blame on me then he is doing. Because I am the one that crossed the line I put out there.

Last night I told Nick of something that Monseigneur E had me do. Nick asked me a question…he asked me why I did not say something about “telling” Nick before “doing.” I mean how it happened took Nick by surprise. And part of me did not think Nick would be upset or surprised because…he never asked me to do what I did, so having it disappear did not seem like something he would even notice. But it was a big deal. And I am sorry I did not ask Monseigneur E if I could tell Nick before doing what I did.

The above paragraph I wrote earlier in the day. But now…I wonder why did I need to tell Nick first? I called him when Monseigneur E took control and he knew I was submitting to Monseigneur E then so why do I have to call and get that okayed. Not that it is to be okayed….I know he just wanted to know. Well, I was letting him know. He knows I have to obey Monseigneur E. I did not want him to happen upon it and see the change so I called him to let him know. I think that was common curiosity. I think Nick was just reacting on emotion. And it pissed him off and so he reacted.

He had a sense of security with me. I believe he felt I would just be here always. And then when we were able….because there are circumstances preventing us from meeting. But before…why not before…because we took it for granted I believe. I felt I was communicating that I was lacking things…before and after I started pulling away. But from what he is saying to me. I am not sure I communicated it clear enough.

Last night the thought came through….am I doing the wrong thing? I love Nick as much as I can without ever meeting someone. He asked me how I feel about Monseigneur E. I don’t love him. I don’t see myself loving him. Aydeen and I talked about this last night too. Not that I won’t care about him because of course I already do. I care for both him and Linda, as they are people I consider very good friends I respect them a lot.

I think…hope Nick understand some of my motivations behind making the decisions I am making now. I know it still does not change things but at least he knows what went into my thought process to get me to this point.

At one point I got very angry with Nick on the phone last night and I started to raise my voice…and then stopped. I did not notice it until later when I hung up. My motivations with Nick are different then Monseigneur E. There are similar elements but also one main element being different.

Nick asked me why I changed what Monseigneur E told me too. I told him…duty. It did not cross my mind not do what he told me. I did not like it. I did not want to change it. I did not change it to that point for a couple reasons. I gave a commitment to do what he tells me and put his wishes first for this time period. And so I would be dishonoring that commitment and not following through on my word. And I know Nick understands that as honor and integrity mean a lot to him…not only because of his military background. I know that Nick is wondering about if Monseigneur E will forbid me to talk to Nick. I told him that Monseigneur E would not do that. I tried to explain Monseigneur E’s thoughts…as Aydeen basically asked the same question to Monseigneur E. I just know Nick is not trusting Monseigneur E. I wish he would talk to him because I think a lot of what he is feeling and thinking would be given a different outlook that he would like. Maybe. *shrugs*

Yesterday, was much better then Monday. And actually the thing that helped me was talking to Monseigneur E on the phone Monday night. I pulled myself together before I called. I think I sounded normal lol Which is better then I was sounding 20 mins before then. I am still very tense about getting things done and ran past some of my ideas on what I am going to do with moving....with Aydeen on the phone last night.

Tuesday Monseigneur E and I discussed what he was trying to accomplish with Monday’s lecture. It did not quite work how he wanted. And I see what he was trying to do. I also understand it...but that type of thing does not work with me. It shut me down and also overwhelmed more. Like I said above what helped me was chatting with him on the phone Monday night. And what we talked about did not really have to do with anything we talked about the lecture. But for some reason it helped me....pull together more focus. Maybe just pulling together before I called him helped too? But I know just talking to him helped me. I was really upset. I do feel more calm and focused.

Tuesday I was talking to Linda about 2 men in my life...and how they manipulate me. I don't really see the one quite the way she does. But I do understand it more today. I am a feeling person…I look at feelings…. I see both men reacting out of feelings…and it does not make it right but I understand it. I compare this to past things...this is nothing. It is sad but true. I think about Don and nothing compares to that. (I wrote this before talking to Monseigneur E this morning about Don - clarifying for me in future when I read this and for him - weird that we kind of covered this in our conversation this morning) And maybe they get by with things because of that. Because I have this line that says...here is bad...and here is really bad. And they may come close the bad line at time but not actually touch it because it is so subtle. Where with Don...he just bolted into the really bad section...to the cruel section and that was it.

One thing that I think is going to be a problem with all of us...Monseigneur E, Linda and myself is I rely on my emotions. I use my emotions to decided things…more then I use my brain. And they are people who think and go with what they think then feel I believe. Maybe it will be a good combination. Maybe it will help me rely on thinking more…then feeling.

Monday night I deleted an entry…and told Mistress DM that I did. She asked me why. I told her. She told me I was motivated by fear. I did not want to disappoint Monseigneur E. And in the end…not posting it would disappointment him more but in the moment of deleting it I did not think that. Monday night my thoughts were all over the places…as I was just feeling so much pain. To top things off I have cyst acting up right now and have been in pain the last 2 days and with moving and going through boxes it does not help it. Lifting heavy boxes when it is acting up just causes me to be in more pain. I get used to the pain. It just feels like it is normal for me.

Okay back on topic…Mistress DM then went on to say not to lose myself. I remember her saying that with Todd. I know it is different right now then it was with Todd.

Losing myself…I tried to write about that yesterday. Is it losing myself or is it becoming myself? Being nothing…getting to the core…does not seem like it is losing myself but finding myself. But will things change about me…will some of that individuality…disappear? I don’t have that answer. I did think about it a lot yesterday while I was sitting waiting for an appointment.

Am I already losing myself?

I just opened up a conversation I had with Kevin online in January. He asked me what was the one thing I wanted to see happen with Nick…the one thing I wanted with Nick over everything else. I named fear first… and he said that was not a single thing. And I started naming being caned until I bled, held under water and a few things like that. He then said I was not saying one thing. I said there was not just one thing. I get flashes of images and feelings and not just ONE thing comes to mind. He knew that…so then he changed his question to what was the one thing I want desperately…and I said to be loved.

Has that changed?

I know that is what Michael was touching on when he messaged me while in Memphis. It has not changed. I want love. I want to be loved. But in what Monseigneur E seems to be telling me he will be doing…I think I will find myself. And that…is more important and something I have wanted for so long.

Babbling right now…and I really need to get busy. I will write about that subject more later.