Issues

Music: Ottmar Liebert ~ Nouveau Flamenco 1990-2000
Rune: Raido ~ Journey, Communication, Union, Reunion

I am putting off writing this morning. I know I need to. The Rune I pulled out of the bag fits this mornings feelings.

So, lets see if I can get into a good ramble lol

Sunday I spent most the day in planning meetings for SMART. Monday I spent running errands and paying bills and then had a date on Monday night. Tuesday I was up early and did not sleep well on Monday night. I was pretty much drained yesterday because of the lack of sleep. Then went to GNO (girl’s night out) last night and that was nice. We had some good discussions : )

I need to get packing done today but I also need to go run to Walmart and Kmart to return some stuff…with the credit get some more storage boxes. I also need to get quarters for laundry. I have so much laundry right now. I feel like the daily life stuff is really getting in the way of packing this week. I really need to devote tomorrow and Friday to it. Moni last night said something about Libra’s procrastinating. I do that so much. Kam has told me I do better when under pressure. Recently I was suppose to have dinner with someone. And I was putting it off because it is one of those that I like it once I am there but I dread it until that point. So, I put it off and put it off and then when I can’t anymore then it is like I say to myself…“well now you just HAVE to do it.” And so I just do it and it comes through great.

I do a similar thing with issues or big subjects I should be thinking about. Such as I wrote that I am not thinking about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda as much as I was…I psych myself out. So I have stopped thinking about it as much and then the last few days before I have to leave is when I will then start panicking about all the things I should have talked to Monseigneur E and Linda about before getting there.

I, of course, have concerns and thoughts floating around in the back of my mind that sometimes push to the front. Such as I wonder how Monseigneur E’s treatment of me while there will affect Linda and more importantly how it will affect her and my relationship. I have other things that are concerns Monseigneur E and I have already discussed but still float around in my head and that bothers me.

I opened up to Nick faster then I wanted but he also met me at a time when I was very vulnerable…because I was still feeling the effects of Todd breaking up and then very fresh wound of him moving away. So Nick got to see a very emotional danae right from the start. Instead of having to break down walls. I was in the midst of trying to put those walls back in place as he started getting to know me. So, he was inside the structure before I finished. They are back up in place.

When I had Monseigneur E in the friends category, I talked more openly then I do now, because I did not “feel” he was going to get inside my head and use those things against me. I know logically when I think about this and look at his relationship with Linda, I can see that I can trust him. But emotionally…I hold back. I get scared of the fact he will see something and say, “I don’t want to have you come visit.” And I know that insecurity is one that is hanging on from what I went through with Todd.

I told Monseigneur E probably my biggest deep dark skeleton in the closet and he did not react shocked or scared at all. So, I should logically be able to see nothing else is going to scare him. Last week when…it felt like my world crumbled away, Monseigneur E changed the plans. And logically I can say I understand that reason and it was good he is looking out for me and taking pressures off me. But there is this little teeny tiny voice that says he postponed it because of falling apart and he saw that side me and did not like it. Again logically I can dispel that thought and feeling.

I stopped writing for about 15 minutes was on the phone. Trying to get back in my rambling mode….

I feel this week…alone, scared, and tired…drained emotionally. I just want to be. Just not have to worry about the things I am and just live life again.

My I Ching reading last month said I would know the right time to move. And when I was in Memphis, I knew it. I knew when I came back I would have to move.

Everything just seems like it is on fast forward.

Moni said last night that I like issues. I don’t like chaos, but I usually do have an issue in my life I am dealing with. And I thought about what would it be like without an issue in my life? Interesting thought huh?

Right now though it does not feel like just issues…it feels like my life is chaotic. And I guess that is why I am floundering so right now. I have issues. I get through it. I have had chaos too but the last time life was really chaotic…the way I dealt with it was not a way that I will ever do again. I enjoy the silence I get now so much. I appreciate it. But right now things aren’t silent, but it is a different kind of noise then it was before. I do get some silence when I finally get things to slow down at night. It is just taking me longer to slow everything down right now.

I have friends that are hurting and have things going on with them and I want to help them all. I have all these obligations to people and organizations. Financial worries are of course stressing me. Being homeless is weighing on my mind. Issues with Kam, feelings for Nick, feelings and thoughts going through my mind about Monseigneur E and Linda. I feel like I am on roller coaster right now…and I want to get off of it. What I really want to do today is crawl into bed for a few days and get some sleep and ground myself…recharging my energy. I just feel right now everything depletes it so fast.

And when I get like this the questions and doubts start pushing their way in also. And right now I feel that prickle of stress…the tension shooting down my neck down through my back. And really I would like to be beat LOL and let out anger and tears. I want to scream at someone but that is not really fair lol I want to cry and have someone tell me everything is going to be okay.

Life was so calm…once upon a time. Lets hope it will be again soon.