Hurting

Tonight....I am not doing great. While going through my stuff tonight, I just realized how much stuff I have...so I am wondering if I will get everything done and moved into a storage unit before Monseigneur E wants me to visit. I had tried to put off visiting them this month as I knew this was going to be happening this month....moving out. And knew that would give me all of August and then go from there. Now that cuts my schedule by 10 days approximately. I want to visit. I need to. I am scared of visiting but I am also just thinking of all that I need to do here. Moving is always so much fun!

I am also hurting lots. Hurting...grieving over so much...that I have been trying to push away so I can get through moving. I love Kam. And it hurts that we will not be a part of each others lives.....so my world that I have known for 4 years is being turned over but I know that I need to move on. Does not turn the hurting off though.

I was thinking at the same time as all the above thoughts are going on....of Monseigneur E (that does not turn off)....but more importantly what I am thinking of tonight is the lecture I had today. Right now it feels like it just added pressure to me. I disagree with some of what he said today. And at the same time I know that what he wants is important...that is VERY important to me...serving him. But this has been *my* life and I have been in control of it....for a long time. I am quite capable of running it. And I feel like he was saying I wasn't...and needed to be.

I know what has to be done. I am doing it and nothing more can be expected, but I feel more is and I don't feel he is getting a clear perspective of what is going on here. Moni the other morning got one impression of the situation and as soon as I told her of the money situation and other things that factor in she saw the reason I was doing what I was doing.

I guess all I can do is what I am doing...the best I can do....and I am putting him in my thoughts and I do act for him. I just have things to do...that to me are priorities...that does not mean he is not in my thoughts of what I do and what he would want. I am serving him...just not the same as it wil be in person. Just like moving out it number one for me....doing the things I need to get that done....in a timely manor and cost effectively (since that is a big issue right now) is doing it in service to him.

I mentioned a lecture....I got in trouble. He feels I am lacking awareness. I am to an extent. But the awareness I am lacking, I feel, comes from distance. He hit some hot buttons that....trigger...anger in me. And I did not say anything but yes Sir...but I thought it and even started to type but would backspace. And I vented to Moni. And also my brain...kicked in and told me to stop.

I feel he basically told me I am worrying about things that are not important...maybe I am. I am worrying and right now I don't think there is any stopping that with all that is going on. I am worrying....to be able to move out...get everything done before going to see them is very important. And add in all the things with Kam and all the other things I am needing to do for him and to get ready to go there...and thinking about being there...my worrying is valid. It is me who has to deal with everything....now and when I get back. My life, when I get back, is going to be VERY different...if things work out and even if they do not. 4 years of my life...and things I wanted and dreamed about will be gone. Someone who I care about will probably not be here. My world has been turned over and ever thing is falling and I am trying to catch it. That is how I view...so a few worries I think is understandable.

He said words today that triggered.....me hearing things in my head all day. And that annoys me that...I am. I am trying to push it away and keep a clear vision of WHO said it NOW and why he said it....so that I don't let it take over.

I understand why he said the things he did. But I don't agree with them. What he says is what matters and so I will do what he said. As it is not only the right thing to do...but I want to.

I guess I will stop babbling as I am not sure anything that comes out of my mouth/head/fingers is making sense. Brain not slowing down....at all these days.

This above entry I posted and then within a minute deleted. I then started working on it again and posted it but not published it. I started working on it again because I realized deleting it was a bigger mistake then posting it. I then was told later....in the evening...on the phone that I needed to post it. So...I am.