End of 2013 and the start of 2014

Life Update in  bullet points...

* Destiny - In October, Master and I started seeing someone local.  Her name is Destiny.  Master and I are both head over heels for her...as she is fabulous!  We are over 3 months in now and still have some of the honeymoon phase going on, but we all have settled into a normalcy that is really good. We connect as to her individually, but also all together.  She serves Master and is his submissive.  She is my girlfriend. And together all 3 of us are a family. I will write more about her and how things are progressing at another time. But for now we are a family and we are all very happy.

* Tied Up - For the first time 10 years, I was touched by another man.  Master has been the only man to touch in me in the 10 years I have been with him. A local group started a Rope Bite. You get together and practice rope bondage. I have always loved rope bondage and it isn't something Master is overly fond of...he does it, but not his favorite type of bondage.  Anyway, a good friend was going and Master asked if he needed a rope bottom for it and lent me to our friend for the evening.  Now it was totally over the clothes practicing rope, but to have a man touch me even over the clothes in such an intimate way - well again first time in 10 years.  Let's just say I was nervous.  Yep me who has been with a few men in my time was nervous. Our friend was very kind and conscientious of my anxieties.  I really enjoyed myself.  He tied me in ways that made me hurt so good for days. I loved it and I am so very grateful to him for allowing me to be his bottom. I hope we are able do it again sometime.  He is an amazing man and I am so glad he moved to our community.

* Holidays - We were out of town for almost 3 weeks straight after Thanksgiving into December. So I didn't get the tree up until 8 days before Christmas. I didn't get any cards or packages mailed out this year. I didn't get to do many of my usual things like bake. But I will tell you Thanksgiving and Christmas were absolutely fabulous! Having Destiny being a part our holidays just made it so special. Our Thanksgiving and Christmas was just us 3.  It was lovely and fun. We watched Polar Express in the evening of Thanksgiving.  We did other traditions with her such as going around and looking at lights and decorating the tree together. We create great memories.  Our families are getting used to us talking about Destiny and her being here with us as part of our family. 

* Family - I haven't seen my bio family in over a year so missing them. My Grandma also died just before Christmas.  She was 97 years old and been ready for quite some time.  I have been detached from it mostly, but at odd times having it hit me. 

* Travel - We have had lots of little mini-trips around the state. We went to Boulder. Then right after Christmas we went to Denver. We did touristy things like going to the Denver Art Museum.  We had a large hotel room where we were able to enjoy a king size bed as we only have a queen at home.  Destiny and I dressed up slutty for Master.  Our night was hot and sexy - sex and SM late into the night - yums!

We did have a funny moment in Target though earlier as we didn't pack condoms or lube - yeah I know what is up with that? Anyway, I hadn't bought condoms in a while and neither had Destiny so here it is her and I going into buy condoms.  We standing looking at all the condoms and trying to decide which ones we should get. Finally we get a package, turn around, and there is a couple standing right behind us - waiting to look at condoms.  I am sure our conversation made them wonder what the heck is going on....2 women buying condoms like we never have....I am sure they thought we were 2 lesbians who picked up a man to try it out. lol  :)  Anyway thank goodness we got the condoms, because oh they were used. Destiny riding Master is such a hot sight. Oh yeah so sexy.  We are damn lucky to have such a sexy beautiful woman.  So grateful we met her. 

* Friends -  I know in September, I said we were more active in the local community.  Well we kind of dropped out of it again. One reason - we started seeing Destiny. When I say seeing her -  I mean we see each other everyday for the last 3 month except when Master and I have work/business out of town and she can't come with us.  We are living our dream life and it is hard to fit other things in. Really we haven't even seen the kinky friends we are close to that often either.  We are missing them and hope to get together with everyone soon. Unfortunately we are like that new couple that doesn't contact their friends when they are seeing someone new because they are so into each other...yeah we are all so into each other are kind of oblivious to others outside us. Often we see stuff posted online and go hmm must of have missed what that is about because it doesn't even make sense to us as we are so outside it all right now and so into each other. 

* Sharing - I did a little talk for a group of submissive on service. I remembered, although it makes me nervous, I do like sharing information and ideas. I am going to have that talk and some additional thoughts on service up on our website soon.

* Therapist - I came out to my therapist about BDSM.  Now she knows everything.  It helped her put things in perspective a little differently. A few things made more sense to her.  And as always she was fabulous when I came out to her about it. She gets it so well. She sees where I struggle and why and in a BDSM context.  She loves Destiny and thinks she is a positive force in my life as Destiny has made me see myself slightly differently. I was on this course last year of really allowing some of the parts of me that I turned of to come back out and play and Master has been great about it too, but Destiny being a woman has helped me understand parts of myself better by seeing myself through her eyes.  Not sure that is making sense, but I just know she has helped me and my therapist sees it too.

* Art & Photography - Both are playing huge part in my life. It is something I do with a good group of friends as well as Destiny too.  I know art and photography are going to continue to play a big part of my 2014.

Really I am just so grateful that 2013 was a year filled with ups and downs, but overall joy and love which makes it a truly beautiful year. I look forward to 2014 as I know it is going to be fabulous!

Intro

Recently I have had to do introduction several times as Master and I have been venturing out in our local BDSM community as it is growing.

So thought I would share a little longer version of it here too...

I am danae. I am in a Master/slave relationship and have been owned by Master for 10 years. I am wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been kinky since the first time I became sexually active at 16. The first boy I had sex with we played with spanking and him tying me up and then eventually had sex with while tied up. From there each of my intimate relationships had some kind of D/s dynamic and kink in them, but not the words for what we were doing.

When I was 27 and married, I explored online for some information on anal sex, but happened upon a bulletin board on AOL for submissive women.  I read many threads and felt my head nodding along with many things said.  I then told my husband about it and BDSM. I explained that many things we did in our relationship resembled BDSM in and out of the bedroom.  As soon as I named it though - things went downhill.  He developed guilt for beating me - spanking, slapping, grabbing or anything we did before all of sudden became very sinful and wrong to him.

My husband and I had problems before I named this dynamic that we developed in our years of being married. Eventually those problems, some issues I had, and the problems of him feeling like I was a freak for being submissive became too big to ignore, so I left.

I moved to Ohio from Kansas in with a poly household and became a slave to the Master of the household. My time in the household was hard, but a learning experience. I was active in the Ohio BDSM community and out to almost everyone there. It was very hard moving here - to a smaller town without much of a community, but it was so worth it to serve Master. 

Master and I met through a mutual friend. She gave him my name as she thought we might be well matched. He contacted me and pretty much from that first email - I was falling.  So thankful to our friend for realizing we would be a good match.  It has been an amazing journey, I have taken with him.

I am a long time blogger - blogging about my life and thoughts/beliefs of the lifestyle. I also have a group on FetLife devoted to Domestic Servitude and a blog that goes with it.

19 Years

Today we met some like-minded people for coffee and we were asked how long we have been in the lifestyle. When the words of how long I have been in the lifestyle came out, honestly I felt old. I have been in the lifestyle a long time now. I  remember when it was 7 years coming out of my mouth in Ohio and it sounded so long. But now....wow I have been enjoying kink since I was 16. I have had elements of kink and D/s in all my intimate relationships since then, but didn't really have a name for it until 1994. In 1994, I found words for what it was and became more active in BDSM. Now it is 2013 so that means I have been doing this for 19 years.  I said 20 today because I was thinking I was 25 or 26 years old, but  I came home and started looking through old journals to figure it out and I was actually 27 years old. 

So in this time, I have spoken at a variety of meetings, groups and events about being a slave.  I have been published by Power Exchange Books.  I have been expressing my thoughts on this blog since 2000. I lived in a large poly household as a slave for several years.  And last, but not least I have been owned by Master for 10 years. Looking at all that....I am not sure how it makes me feel, but I do know I  feel I am always growing and learning even though I have been doing this a long time.  

Many things have changed over the years. But life is about learning and growing to me so I am thankful that I am still here and still thinking, writing, and discussing. Setting goals and moving towards them. Exploring and discovering new ways and new perspectives. I think is it amazing to have had the opportunity to do so much, see so much, experience so much and still keep seeing and learning. I hope that part of me never dies. 

Processing

Tora wrote a blog entry about processing issues slowly.  I know that I do too.

I remember when I started having flashbacks of when I was raped. I couldn't understand why 10 years later it was happening.  Why at that time -  I kept asking myself and my therapist.  But my therapist  reminded me that I was in therapy and learning to cope in better - healthier ways and so I was *able* to process it then. Unfortunately though, when it happened, those around me wished it was going faster and felt I should be over it.  When that happened it really caused me to question myself and caused me to stumble. There came a point where I didn't want to deal with all their issues around it and mine anymore. I was not able to cope so tried to kill myself. But I did work through it and I did eventually process it. But it took 10 years after it happened though to be *able* too.  

I think I process a lot of important issues and things that push buttons inside - slower then other issues. I know I have gotten better on processing some stuff but some issues I think will always be slow.  It can be hard on the people around me and I wish I knew how to help them understand and cope - when really I don't feel they should have to wait for me to catch up but I can't go faster then I am able.  

I know for me to process it slower means it won't be rushed, stuffed away or just put it in denial land.  By processing it when I am able - I won't forget little things that might be forgotten if I just try to "deal" and "accept." I know that when I have tried to deal with things faster - things fall apart for me in ways I don't want to go through again.  Even though I know that I am able to cope with outside pressures better.

I am actually going through a pretty major issue and it is going slow.  It is frustrating for me as well as those around me. But I am doing the best I can and continue to work on it in the ways I am able too right now.   

Rehash

* I have a new therapist as my previous one left the office I go to so I had to start seeing a new one.  It has been stressful but I do like her and she is open minded. I really worried  about her not being accepting of the poly or some things in my life. I do think she would have a problem with the M/s - just like I thought my last therapist would have too but the poly she is completely fine with. 


* She and I are going to be rehashing some things I am not looking forward to rehashing. I really feel I have dealt with a lot of things but looking at my history I can see how those times in my life are a direct link to my self-esteem and body image issues. So it makes sense to rehash them - just not looking forward to what it will bring up. 


* 10 years ago I closed the escort agency. WOW 10 years? It doesn't seem that long ago really. Last Sunday evening teacup was mentioning she was going to watch the Grammy's and then my odd associate with the Grammy's came up. Probably the last time I watched the Grammy's also...the night of the Grammy's 2002 there was a teaser for the news and it flashed the logo to my escort agency. When I watched the news, it was talking about the business of escort agencies being online. It showed my website with blurred out photos of the girls. It was pretty damn scary and at the same time it freed me of a lot of stress as I hadn't been having fun with running the agency part anymore. So it made my decision to close it pretty simple. 

* I got to chat on the phone with a good friend last Thursday and it was so good to hear voice and chat with her.  She is so happy and I am so thrilled for her. 


* February 1st - Master and I celebrated 9 years together. We had a pretty low key day as I got sick after going out for breakfast.  It really seems like it hasn't been 9 years, but of course I am so happy that I have spent 9 years with an amazing Man.  I am thrilled that after all this time we still walk this path and yes we have struggles still but we still have the foundation.  I love that we have strength in our relationship. 


* My doctor took me off of one of my meds. I actually am down to just a few meds now. Anyway...my one med that my doctor took me off of was for my sciatica. I was okay for 2 weeks being off of it but the last few days I am having problems. But I have to say his reasons for taking me off of them - a symptom it caused - is gone so he was right about it. Just not sure how to live with the pain I am starting to be in and if it gets worse I won't be able to walk like last time. I have a follow up appointment with him so I will discuss it with him. I mean really I would like to not be on it but I also want to be able to walk. 


* Since teacup now has her gift...I can talk about this...Master and I went to a paint your own pottery place to paint teacup - a teacup and saucer for her birthday. It was so much fun! We were really obsessing of course because we wanted it perfect for her but the afternoon was a lot of fun. We really want to go back and make something for ourselves. It really wasn't a bad price either. They just charge for the piece - no studio fees or glazing costs or anything that is all in the price of the piece. It was a fun afternoon date!


* teacup booked her plane ticket to come visit us.  yay! Counting down days!


* I think that is about all that is going on with me right now.

Isolation

I started this post back in June when I did a post titled "I'm Coming Out."  Over on lj and through emails - I had a few questions so thought I would do a blog post answering those questions somewhat. Or maybe better phrased that...I hope the blog post answers the questions as I am not posting their questions but just writing.

I have always has some social anxiety but since being isolated here in Master's household - it is now worse. It has become harder and harder for me to be around people.

My therapist and I have been working on it but it is one of those things that I am like do I really even want to be working on this?  There is parts of me that loves the life of isolation Master built for me. But then there are the other parts of me that remember all the groups, parties, outings, and such I did when I lived in Cleveland and even when I was married.  Even though I had anxieties then I pushed through them easier because I am social. I do like being social once I move past the anxieties.

So there is that rub of what to do.....Master isn't completely thrilled with the development of my anxiety but he also likes the isolation he keeps me in.  I feel the same - I feel the isolation really holds me in a place that I can't feel otherwise. It gives me a different feel of being property. I guess for me because I have such little freedom with isolation it creates him being the center of my world very easily. BUT on the other hand I really miss having friends and doing things like I did in Cleveland even though most of that isn't possible here in a small town.  As I am not out to people here. We just started developing a "community" but we haven't been able to actively participate in it much because of me being sick this summer. Even so I am not sure I will find the type of person I can be completely myself with and not have to hide because often Master and my lifestyle even freak those who are under the same umbrella but practice differently.

My therapist is pushing me to meet people.  I don't know how to do that anymore. Making friends how does one do that?  Where do you even start?   Really I don't even know how to make friends online anymore where that used to be easy too.  Because my time is Master's - I am not a consistent friend and that can bother people. Also because Master controls everything - I could stop contact and someone might not know why.   I don't get the freedom to decide when, where, who and how friendships will go because ultimately I am not in control of my life.  

I am lucky I have a few friends that do understand why I don't keep in consistent contact and  are really good about it.  I have had people that didn't understand though and were upset when I disappeared and it was hard to reconnect after that.  They want to understand and accept but at the same time it pushes their insecurity buttons and confuses them. I don't blame them...I am sure I would feel the same way in their position. But often I don't ever change my feelings towards the friendship...my time changes. 

I also take the thought of what this isolation is doing to me long term and what-if he wasn't here anymore. Master is younger then I but I still think about what if.....what-if he died and I was alone.  I don't know anyone here. I suppose I would move to be with family but I really don't want to do that as I have always lived far from my family for a reason.  But I think about what would I do...after being like this....for so many years.  Not being able to make friends and be in the world because my world centered around Him. 

So I worry about all this and even get annoyed at Master wishing that I could go and do things like I used to but at the same time I would be sad if this went away.  My number one thing I masturbate to is even more isolation then I have already. So I do want this it is just hard to find the balance and I am not sure there is a balance that goes with this type of relationship.  

5 Ways....

I was reading this "5 Ways to Love Yourself Completely - Right Now" and I realize that they are just good in general but as a person in service and placing in context of serving they work really well too.   The author Jess Weiner goes into each one with a little paragraph but I am just sharing the 5 ways and then my thoughts.


1. Forgive -One of the things she says is forgive yourself. I know I don't do that enough.  I hang on to my mistakes for a long time even little ones that I know Master probably isn't even thinking about - I still am not forgiving myself for making a mistake. Earlier in the week we ran a lot of errands and I only brought a few reusable shopping bags so we didn't have enough by the time we got into the last place. So had to use the store ones. I didn't beat myself up for that but Master is big on making sure you tie those plastic grocery store sacks so things dont' fall out and roll around in the back of the car.  I forgot to tie them and they had round cans in them so when took the first corner - out they all came rolling around the back.  Master got out at the stop light and tied the bags.  I have been beating myself up about this little mistake since.  It was a little mistake...I should get over it. Forgive myself and move on.

2. Take Small Steps of Action  - "Get out of your head and into your life."  is one quote from the text.  I have so much in my head that it stops me from trying and moving forward.  I just need to take even a small step of action. 


3. Practice Daily Grace  -   I really liked what she had to say about Practicing grace.  Those mistakes I talked about in #1 that I hang on to - well they are taking up space that could be used for other more important things. Ms. Weiner says to practice daily grace so that it is like a muscle.  I like to call muscle memory. It just becomes a part of you the more you use it. 


4. Pay attention to your Body - I know I am much better at this then I was when I was younger. I now can tell when my body needs rest or when things are wrong.  But when I was serving in the Poly Household - I often pushed myself and didn't listen to my body trying to tell me that I was pushing to hard. 


5. Make Friends with Patience and Progress - All of these are linked of course and #3 and this one are especially close.  If you are practicing daily grace then you will be able to more easily make friends with patience and progress. To see your growth in even small things and allowing yourself mistakes as they help us learn and grow. 


You can get the 5 Ways to Love Yourself Completely by Jess Weiner on her website. You have to fill in your email address and she emails them to you. 

I'm Coming Out

Is there any way to come out without having the Diana Ross song I'm Coming Out in my head? I don't think so....



Last year when both my Uncle and my former Master died, my depression really took a downward spiral and I sat in my doctors office and started crying. He called in the therapist from down the hall. And since that day - I have been seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for it. It has helped so much not only for my grief but just helped me with other issues I had going on.

I have not outted myself to her about the M/s relationship I have with Master, but I have told her about some of my past relationships - that I enjoyed kink and that I have been poly in past relationships. I also told her I was an escort. But she doesn't know anything about my current relationship dynamic. Master has been in support for me coming out to her about our relationship. But I just haven't been comfortable with it. Although I adore her and trust her to be very open-minded as she has been about everything I have told. I know bottom line if she feels something is harming me she will tell me. And I don't want to hear it if she thinks that some of my problems stem from our dynamic. Yes, we do think that some of my problems do stem from it because of the isolation and the dynamic creating co-dependency issues that cause a chain reaction of other issues such as I now have social anxiety issues that I have always had but now are amplified because of the isolation and because I do everything with Master.

A little history, I have done therapy in my late twenties to mid-thirties. Every therapist I came out to was very uncomfortable with the kink and D/s. It was the reason I stopped going as I felt it was making my relationship with my therapist too uncomfortable and I was sick of feeling judged by it so I stopped going even though I felt I still needed some help to sort through some things.

So there is that little voice sounding off inside me that I might be judged. The hard part is that I like my current therapist so much that I don't want to do or say anything that might hurt that connection I've made with her. While I realize she isn't like any of my past therapists the insecurity remains.

Bottom line, I am so thankful I finally gave in to seeing someone. My doctor had asked me repeatedly over the years if I wanted to go to see someone. I have been on anti-depressants for the last couple of years. So when we have our yearly review of medications, he asks if I want to talk to someone and I've always said no. Too many bad experiences and the feeling of being judged I had to wrangle the thoughts in my head about starting over with my life history with someone new. As it was, it took almost 2 sessions to just do the intake with her.

But with last years events...I needed help. I am so thankful that my doctor pulled in my therapist and I am so fortunate that we've clicked. I mean really instantly I felt comfortable with her and I just started spilling. She made me feel comfortable and she is really good at giving me a perspective that works for me - in a way that makes me be able to see it. She gets inside my head really easily - knows how I tick. It is really amazing sometimes she knows what I am thinking when I feel I am sitting there straight faced but having an "Oh Shit" moment. She knows it too. She has helped me in communicating in difficult situations like with my father who is so hard to talk to - who has a knack for pushing my buttons. It's been incredible how she's helped me in so many ways.

So skipping ahead a bit. Several months ago Master started seeing someone local and it is hard to not talk about it - in therapy. It was hard not mention Master's girl. (I don't have a name to call her in this blog yet - something we will work on though) I've had some issues. Issues I felt my therapist could help me sort through. So with Master's blessing, I came out to my therapist about the poly.

WOW!

She handled it AMAZINGLY!

It was that moment where I wished everyone was like her! Really every issue - the kink, the escorting - she has always handled so well. I asked her if she knew what poly was and she gave me the definition without having to go to a book or to the web. When I had told her about Kam and poly (early on in our sessions), we just went over things briefly. Ever since then I didn't know if she even knew what I meant when I mentioned poly before. I had explained to her that when I moved in with Kam, he was involved with more than one woman with all of our knowledge and consent. I discussed that I enjoyed it but also some of the issues I had with it. I told her towards the end of that relationship, I dated multiple men and women - again with everyone's knowledge and consent.

She told me that whatever is done between consenting adults she felt was fine as long as everyone was okay with it. (Insert gaping mouth expression.) No ridicule, no condemnation, no criticism. Then when I told her about Master seeing his girl, the same thing. No qualms, no judgment, no problem. She has really great views about poly. How I feel she gets it, stems from some of the things she has said to me about poly are the same things I've said to others who have approched me for advice. I guess sometimes it is hard for me to take my own advice, but hearing it from her has been good. She has a different perspective on other things though too, so that helps too to hear another view. She just in general has a wonderful view on poly which makes even more relaxing to open up and share. We had a whole rant one day when we were talking about sex and poly - and she said "Americans are just to uptight about sex."

She has some different views though that just wouldn't work in my dynamic so I've had to just politely nod. Will I out myself someday that I'm in the M/s, bdsm lifestyle? I really don't know. Master says I will. But I do know she has been great about everything else I have told her so part of me thinks she'll get it. Of course there is the other part of me that worries about how all of this will be seen in the big picture. I just know that there have been times when I just sit there looking at her like wow are you for reals? I have lucked out to have such a great therapist and glad I have come out to her about the poly.

10 Years of Blogging

I have had my blog open all day rereading old entries. I remember clearly the night I set the blog up. I was living in Cleveland at the time. The main computer was in my Sir's bedroom. He was sleeping so I just had the light of the monitor shining. But I had been reading several blogs that evening. And I thought why not. I thought about how putting it all out there would keep me true to myself. And I admit it - it was a hope for some validation....that I wasn't the only one out there feeling the things I felt, thinking the thoughts I did and just struggling with where to be going in this life.

My life wasn't in a place I liked. My primary relationship was tearing me apart. The only thing I was enjoying was my work as an escort. My life was in a place of transition. So what was the perfect way to figure things out? Writing was the answer for me. And so I started this blog 10 years ago.

It has been a quite a journey - struggles, being neurotic, many different relationships, searching for someone who could enslave me, sharing things I shouldn't have, sharing in anger, joy, sadness and every emotion under the sun. I have exposed myself through my words and some pictures too.

I am glad I have kept it around this long. I hope to continue to blog for a very long time. I am thankful that I have met many people face to face as well as online because of this blog. I am thankful for everyone that reads, sends emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

To There and Back Again

I left at the end of July to visit my family. And arrived back home almost 3 weeks later and then we had to out of town for work right away. And rush back for work here at home too. So I was feelings as though I am not sure which way is up but finally this week feels a little bit more stable.

I went home as I had several family functions to attend. One was finally being able to get some closure for my Uncle's death. Still grieving of course but Master said he has noticed that I seem to be better then I was before I left. I see some of that but I almost feel like when is the other shoe going to drop.

This year has been really hard. And so there haven't been many blog posts. And I feel a little bad about that - only because the end of next month I will celebrate 10 years of writing this blog. Which send my brain into a WTF moment as really? Really I have written for 10 years in a public forum like this? For someone as shy as myself - it really does boggle my mind. Anyway - because I haven't had many blog posts this past year...I think about not blogging anymore (except on Domestic Servitude). But really truthfully I just don't think I can give it up. I like writing....purging feelings and thoughts here helps me be true to myself and gives me sometimes a perspective I don't get when it is rattling around in my head. So....at this moment still blogging - just hasn't been a lot this year and understandably so with all the stress I have had this year.

So I will just take the blogging thing as it comes to me...

While home, I got to see the Eat Pray Love movie which is one of my favorite books. It was a girls night out and it was very nice. Dinner, drinks and the movie. I really enjoyed the movie. I am one of these people that can take the movie for a movie that stands alone without the book. And vice versa a book doesn't need to match the movie. So I went in with an open mind but knew that they would never be able to capture the intensity of the book. And so knew I wanted to enjoy the movie just for itself. And I did!

Three of the people I went with hadn't read the book and two of them didn't like it as much as the rest of us that had read the book. One person was confused on like how Liz decided to do the trip in the first place and the transitions from each place - she didn't like either. The other didn't like it because she felt it was too spiritual and considers all things spiritual new agey so for her the movie was new agey. Myself and the other person that read the book - really liked the movie.

If you are wanting to see it and want it to be exactly like the book - don't see it. It will probably disappoint you. If you understand that they can't capture the intensity of the emotions book due to some of it is just not possible to do for the screen but also because of length of the movie would have been too long - then go see it. I think Julia Roberts was really good person to play Liz Gilbert. And I think they captures many wonderful moments of the book. Many of my favorites parts or quotes got in the movie.

Such as this one...this quote is from the section on Italy - Chapter 25 (Bead 25) page 75. Liz is talking about all the changes the Augusteum has went through. But I like what the message of the quote....

"It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough -- but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

Entertainment Weekly had an article on Eat Pray Love the week it came out. And one thing I found out was Richard Jenkins who plays Richard at the Ashram talked to the real Richard before going to film and said it was the best 45 minute phone call he ever had. But he went on to say that he was sorry that Richard died before being able to see the movie. That made me sad to think that Richard is gone. He died of a heart attack.

And last but not least...OH MY Javiar Bardem....SO SEXY. He definitely made the movie better. And the one person that didn't like the new ageiness of the movie - even commented on the sexiness of Javiar.

I liked the movie. I would see it again. And I will want to have it when it comes out on DVD.

Help Please - 10 Minute writings

I have a friend that has started 10 minute writings. Sometimes it is just stream of consciousness and other times she uses a prompt. And then she just writes on that subject for 10 minutes. I want help in creating a list of prompts to help me write here....so would you please leave a comment or email me (danaewhispering@yahoo.com) with a topic you would like me to write about. It can be anything from one word prompt to a question or statement. I don't guarantee I will write about it but I usually pretty open to anything.

I know one thing that has stopped me from writing is because at times some subjects seem like subjects I have written about a lot. So it makes me hold back but recently it was pointed out to me that people who are new to my blog or at least haven't read all 9 years of it (those that do oh my you need cookies or cake or something special!) and so haven't read those topics I feel I have written about millions of times. Okay I know not millions but sometimes it feels that way! :)

So please feel free to use any subject or question - even those you think I might have wrote about before because who knows my answer might have changed or maybe it just something you want to know about because you didn't read it the first 10 times (and I don't blame you).

Thank you in advance!

ps: I also have comments screened over at LJ and set it to public and to allow anonymous comments. Screening over at LJ means that only you and I can see them. So when you post it and it gives you a little message that says it is screened and then you can see it. And I can see it and that is all. And you can be anonymous if you prefer.

Degrade Me

Okay so I was reading a post by a FetLife member. If you have never read her posts, read her blog or seen her pictures - and you like humiliation and degradation - go now and look. I don't think you will be disappointed. Anyway, I recently read a post by her and it felt like I an echo of something long ago. And every so often I have went back and read it. And I finally tracked down why it sounds so familiar....feels familiar. I wrote something very similar in August of 2002. It wasn't posted here. It was posted in a private journal.

So here it is from August 16, 2002...

I want to be feeling that darkness inside that brings me to the core. I don't want just a little humiliation that makes squirm. I don't want it to be "play" - No I want to FEEL it down to the core. I want to be slapped, kicked, hit - abused and told all the names that I hear...inside...fat, stupid, worthless pig. Fat - yes it is something I do want used against me. And it is hard to find that person that will say it and mean it and use it against me. Who will reduce me to tears through the truth. I want to fight, I want to lose it and scream I hate you.

Many have said they could do it. But really many haven't. Once I need to teach someone or even just tell someone what I desire - it takes something out of it. Inside I kind of go yeah right whenever I hear the words. It doesn't feel like it is being ripped from the depths of my darkness but just repetition of what I just stated. It is on the surface. I know it isn't fair to make someone be a mind-reader though so realistically I tell them. I tell them what I crave.

I tell them of wanting to be reduced and finding that place where tears flow freely because I feel the truth in the words. And I feel myself breaking from the truth. To that darkness at the core that will finally be quieted by the truth. And I can accept it and surrender to the lowest place of all.

I wait and wait for it. They contact me and says they want to do those horrible things to me but no one touches the truth in me. I long for it...a desire waiting and burning inside. I get angry and feel it ready to claw out. I want to find someone to rip it out of me - laugh at me - and force me to see it.

Please someone do it...degrade me, hurt me, use me, abuse me.....rip the darkness out and laugh at me. Please I beg do it to me now.



***Edit to add this was written before I became Master's property. So it isn't written to him or because of him.

Words....Part 1

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Beautiful - I know why she picked this word. But not sure I agree with her. :) I have many beautiful things in my life...living in such a beautiful place...Colorado is just breath taking, roses sitting here on my desk from Master that he got me just because, art, the rain, friends and family and love. Many more beautiful things in my life.

Captive - Master always says I am his willing captive. My first months with Master, I felt like a captive (willing) because my clothes were locked up, my id and so many things that say freedom were taken away. And many of those things are still in place. Yes nothing tangible is stopping me from walking out the door. But there are things inside that make it feel like I can't and that is all that matters to me.

Polyamorus - Poly is one of those things that has just always felt natural to me. As a little girl I drew floor plans for houses that had more then one bedroom for the "wives." I don't know where I got idea that a person could have more than one wife as I was never exposed to anything like it. I would dream up stories to go along with the floor plans - dream of stories of the people that lived there. And it was always good feelings of cooking together with other co-wives and laughing. Just lots of love and laughter in the house. So when I was exposed to poly within the BDSM community - I really didn't blink or think twice about it being right for me. Because I knew it was right for me. It has always been very easy for me to give love - unconditional love. I know what we seek is really hard to find. We live in a smaller town so finding that "special" someone that feels right and good in our life is really like finding a needle in a haystack. But it doesn't make me want to give up.

Vulnerable - Definition of vulnerable is susceptible to criticism, susceptible to physical or emotional injury. And I know my lifestyle does leave me susceptible to criticism. For the most part I ignore it. Every once in a while it bugs me though. And yes hurts my feelings. But since reading over my archives the last week - I can say without a doubt I am not as vulnerable as I once was. I just feel I don't expose myself as I once did because frankly I am not as screwed up as I once was....back then it was easier to hurt me since there were so many open wounds to poke.

Generous - I have a big heart that cares very easily about people, causes...life. So I tend to give a lot. Since being Master's though I know I hold more people at arms length and don't give as much of myself or my time. I give what I can and hope that everyone understands - it is the best I can do.


----------
These words were from Master...

DVDs - Master and I are both pretty obsessive about movies. We have over 500 DVD titles. When I work (coding websites, creating graphics or doing art), I need noise so even just listening to a movie is a good thing. It helps me move faster for some reason. Something I do though that Master doesn't do is - I get stuck on a movie or tv series. Such as recently Master bought me Sex and the City and I have been watching it OVER and OVER and OVER.

hip/chic/contemporary - Obviously he cheated giving me multiple words as one pick but he is Master so....I won't point that out to him. :) But I did have to ask Master what he meant by these words. Because I don't associate myself with them at all. He does though. So I get why he gave them to me - many things I like and enjoy fit those words. But I am such a weird person because I seem to like so many different styles - be it fashion, decorating and even when cooking. Because I like so many different styles - I think is why I don't feel the words fit me.

Just a few different kitchen designs I like...







I took a quiz about my decorating style and it said: Lean back and relax in a space that welcomes the modern but trades stainless steel for the natural. Your tastes include the Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired. Your sensitivity to materials and a natural setting meets with a contemporary bent in home styles like Mission, Prairie and Arts & Crafts. When making your cabinet selection, consider birch as a clean and modern wood species. Choose details like geometric forms, art glass, contrasting textures and lines, and forged and wrought iron pulls.

And really that does fit my most often picked decorating style.

I think I love many things that are hip, chic and/or contemporary but often I feel they don't fit into my life. I may look at a very chic dress but know living in the town we do there is no reason to have that dress. So my practical side wins out over my hip, chic or contemporary side.

February - February has many meanings for me. February is the month I first met Master, stayed with him a month and it also is the month he claimed me as his. It a month that has created so many good memories. My favorite of course I have written about many many times...when Master claimed me as his....

Master just pulled that chain out of his pocket and put it around my neck. He locked it in place. No words...he didn't ask me. He didn't tell me. He just claimed me. It was intense and wonderful. I still remember it so clearly and still feel all the feelings I did then.

*photo is from that month I stayed with Master and is the chain he placed around my neck to claim me. So the photo is over 6 years old.

dark thoughts - I really go up and down with my dark thoughts/dark desires. Sometimes I think about them all the time and other times I don't. I often have thoughts about blood but I am such a wimp with blood. I see pictures Bootpig's pictures on FetLife and drool and squirm but I know that even the smell of blood makes me light headed. Although I am isolated - I often think of it on other levels in my fantasies. Not let out of the house for longer times. I enjoy the thoughts of long term confinement in the closet or cage. There are other things but harder for me to explain here in words. But for the most part they often contain humiliation.

Blogging - I have been blogging for 9 years in October. I sometime don't share much and other times I share things I don't say out-loud but do in words on my blog. It just is what ever comes out. I also after this long of blogging don't share things I am surprised I don't. I don't share our SM/sex life as much as I thought I would. I don't share some of my really happy moments in slavery but mostly it is because it is the moment and by the time I sit down - I just can't capture it in words. But over all it does show my thoughts on a very wide range of topics and it is my place to hash those out.

Pants

When I was a little girl, my Mom was that type for the most part that said pick out what you want to wear for the day. Only exception to that was of course when were going somewhere special - Grandma's, church, parties and such. So often as a little girl I picked out dresses. I loved to wear dresses and I still do. As a teenager, I pretty much succumbed to peer pressure and wore what others wore - jeans mostly. When I was married, I still fell into the fad thing. It had become the norm. But all throughout when I wore dresses or skirts, I always felt better. It felt natural for me. I liked feeling feminine. By the end of my marriage, I was wearing dresses and skirts almost always. I owned 2 pairs of sweats and 2 pairs of khaki pants.

So fast forward to 1998 when I was owned by K. He liked that I wore mostly dresses and skirts and basically made it a rule for me that I wasn't allowed to wear pants without permission. I can remember wearing sweats just a few times - once to dig out my car from the snow. And another time when I was really ill and hardly able to move and so very cold always. And I don't remember wearing my khaki pants but I am sure I did a few times with his permission. I never wore pants without permission. I have an obedience fetish what can I say.

When I was released from K and started escorting and owned an escort agency, I bought 2 pairs of dress pants. One pair that was really long that I could wear with heels and another regular pair to wear with flats. As I said above I prefer wearing skirts and dresses, but there are sometimes I pants are easier. When it is very cold, putting on pants just is easier and warmer. Another time I like pants...well just going to be blunt....is during my period. I just feel more secure that way as someone that doesn't always have a consistent menstrual flow.

So now I am Master's and not allowed to wear pants in public. What that means is I can wear pants at home. And then on the very rare occasion when I won't be getting out of the car such as when we run to drop mail in the mail box or go through the drive through to get an ice cream. And that is fine with me. I am one of those girls if I have get out of the car then I better have make-up on, hair in place and nice clothes on. I have some yoga type lounge pants, a really warm pair of polar fleece and then several pairs of thermal underwear and cuddl duds because I am always cold. And Master doesn't like me being so cold. When out and about in public - going grocery shopping, out with friends, going to the library or whatnot I wear a skirt or dress. So the 2 pairs of dress pants I had when I lived in Cleveland those 2 pairs of dress pants were hung in the back of the closet but they have not been worn here....

Until now.

I really hoped to start the new year off with blogging more but unfortunately 2 weeks ago I tripped. I can't blame snow or ice. We did have a little snow but not enough to make me "slip" plus there wasn't any snow in the spot I tripped. Master and I were running an errand early in the morning so I was wearing lounge pants and my birkenstocks (yes with no socks in the winter.) I got to the car and realized I had forgot a couple things so Master sent me back in. I was walking back to the car and looking at the things in my hand to make sure I had everything and tripped on a little break in the pavement of the driveway. As soon as it happened I knew it was going to be one of those trips where I couldn't save myself from falling flat on my face. So anyway I fell HARD and hurt my knee which has caused me to not be at the computer much lately.

But back on topic of this post...pants. Because of my fall, I couldn't wear tights, knee high socks or long socks because of all the bruising and swelling. I could barely get little anklets on without help because I couldn't bend my knee enough to bend over and put them on. Since I couldn't wear tights, knee high socks and long socks - means skirts are pretty much out. Master and I had a job the day after I fell and all I would have to do is sit behind the camera and film so I could do that in pain. But what to wear. It is a professional setting and don't have the money right now to be going out and buying me pants just to wear a few times. I then remembered the dress pants in the back of the closet.

Since that fall I have been wearing those dress pants when we need to go in public and it is SO weird and uncomfortable to be wearing them. I just don't feel "right" in them. My knee is finally starting to feel better so hopefully next week I will be back in skirts. And feel like I am in my natural state again.

I am 40.....and Self Conscious

If you read Master's blog you will have read that I made a comment about age appropriateness of what someone was wearing the other day.

We were in Office Depot on Sunday and as Master was checking out a lady came in. I was watching her as Master was checking out. She was wearing a dress that was about 1 or 2 inches past her bottom, fishnets and heels (more detailed description later in the post.)

Anyway, I was looking at her and kind of amazed she was wearing what she was...normally in the past I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Or maybe have thought what Master said, "is that her Sunday best?" But the age appropriate comment was way out of left field for me. But I turned 40 this year and with it has come lots of internal dialog. So on the way out Master looked at her too and I said, "that was so not age appropriate." I instantly realized what I said and then I got upset because it brought home why I said it. I am getting older and I have been going through lots of --- I won't be able to do various things because I am too old now and just won't ever have a chance to experience them again. And I am just old and so have to do what others at my age do. It wasn't that I don't think a 40 year old can dress sexy. I know I can even at 40. What made me say it is because my internal dialog has convinced me I am old so I am to be like other women of my age. So that comment wouldn't have happened a couple years ago because it would have never crossed my mind. But because of the internal dialog I have been having since turning 40 - it came up and I was instantly upset that I said it.

Now all that said - I know also even if I didn't say it I would have thought I didn't like what she was wearing. I would have thought it was great that she was trying to show off her slutty side. But because my mind has been trained/conditioned to see what is sexy per Master's desires (not completely mind you as there are something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around but in the list of things that say sexy to Master) she didn't hit the mark. And I actually did make the comment that she would have been more sexy in other things and still looked age appropriate by "normal" standards. Such as if she had been wearing a pencil skirt, a satin blouse maybe with a some cleavage showing, spiked heels - she would have looked damn hot. Instead she I think was trying to look sexy by wearing things that "people" say is sexy - mini skirt/dress, fishnets and heels. But just because it is those things doesn't mean it looks sexy. She was wearing a crushed velvet print mini dress with dark autumn leaves, fishnets and what I call conservative business heel - rounded toe, square heel - not the chunky platforms just a square heel. (Similar to these but her heel was just a little taller.) When I told Master what I thought she should have been wearing to look sexy - he of course agreed as it hit his clothing fetish.

Okay so on to the next part....I made the comment that if she wanted to be wearing that go home and give her guy a lap dance. And again maybe that was coming from inner dialog of I am 40 and old. But I think it has more to do with my views and that I would have been self-conscious in such an outfit in Office Depot. I totally get that everyone is different. I am just saying I wouldn't want to wear what she was wearing to Office Depot. To a bar, to a strip club or lifestyle event/party totally get it as it was trashy and slutty. And I have totally dressed in a similar way and have things in the closet to fit that description. But if I was wanting to be going out shopping and looking sexy - it would be something else because I am just not comfortable with it outside certain circumstances.

I am sad that I have become very self-conscious and even wearing something like it to a bar or strip club now - today - I would be a little panicked. I don't dress like I used to when in Ohio so I think have become more self-conscious because it is not normal for me anymore. And I really struggle over it because even at home with Master alone I still feel self-conscious. When I was in Ohio, I was going to lifestyle meetings, out with friends, play parties and such and dressing up was just normal for me so I was used to it. It was just part of my life. And yes I was self-conscious then too but it isn't nearly the level it is now and I just did it because well I was going out. Now dressing up just isn't something I have opportunity to do in public.

Case in point Master recently bought me a blouse. Now I love the blouse on the hanger but when I put it on I felt very exposed as my cleavage is a focal point of the blouse. I wore it out shopping one day and every place we went into -- each clerk said something about the blouse and I had stares in the store from other shoppers. It made me even more uncomfortable knowing all those eyes were on me. It was a cute fashionable blouse -- nothing inappropriate about it. But I still was very aware of the eyes on me while wearing it. Six years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about wearing it. I would have been excited to wear it. And I really don't think it has anything to do with age. It is just the view of me has changed. I am not used to dressing that way.

So although I wouldn't wear a crushed velvet mini-dress in Office Depot - I still would have problems dressing sexy in public because I have self-image issues. But initially the comment came out of my mouth because of my inner dialog about age -- which I logically can say is silly. I just haven't been able to get my logical to align with the emotions.

Shiny

Master has a latex and spandex fetish. He likes shiny clothing that tight around my body. Now...me being a bigger girl with lots of umm curves....it makes me very uncomfortable to wear such items at times. Also we found out I am allergic to latex. So it hasn't been an easy fetish to fulfill for him.

A couple years ago my sister's gave me a gift certificate to target. Master suggested I buy somethings to keep warm in the winter because I always seem to be shivering. So I got a nice fluffy warm robe but I also got cuddlduds. They are kind of like spandex on the outside and softer on the inside. And made to be an alternative to thermals/long johns. Master loved them instantly. He really raved every time I wore them he drooled. This hit his shiny tight fetish perfectly.

Today we were at Target and he said we should check them out. This is the time of year when stores start putting essential winter items on sale. And sure enough all of the cuddleduds had red clearance stickers on them. Master bought me 3 bottoms and 2 tops (tops I never had before).

So here is where I am struggling....I have "body" issues. And when wearing something like this -- those issues come up in my face even more. And I am thrilled Master loves the way I look and I am thrilled he gets turned on by it. And that helps me so much in wearing them...knowing he likes it helps me kind of push those issues aside and do a little mantra of He likes them, He thinks I am sexy, He is turned on. All things that make me smile. And also I am thrilled I am warm. But of course at times....internally I start to freak because I know if I wore them everyday it would be hard on me. I know that wearing white ones opposed to black that I have on now would make me uncomfortable to the point of how would I push past and just let the voice that says he is pleased be it. But when you have a big bag of issues that has been hanging around for quite a while....well it is hard to tune out the voices in my head that shout...."look at that roll there"...."hey did you see how fat her butt is"....."omg could those be any tighter around her tummy" -- and so on.

There is this girl I know that has a good body and has to post pictures of herself on her blog because her Master tells her. She always is worried about how fat she looks and I am amazed she even thinks she looks fat. She talks about all the feelings and thoughts that go through her head when she posts the pictures but she does it because her Master tells her. Master is not telling me I have to wear the cuddlduds but I know it please him so much that to me how could I go against that. So that is why I am sitting here in my snug to the body cuddlduds because I know it please him. But it doesn't stop the things going through my head though just like it doesn't stop the girl that thinks she looks horrible and fat.

So for now I am trying to wear them and get used to them...and wonder what I can do with those voices. And get back to that place I used to be in many years ago -- of just being comfortable in my own skin.

Blogging for Choice

Today is Blogging for Choice.

Voting pro-choice is personal to me because the right to chose is a personal decision and the personal ends up political. I am not pro-abortion...really I can't think of anyone that is pro-abortion. No woman goes "someday I would like an abortion." I am not anti-baby either. I am absolutely pro-choice. But my life and my situations are totally different then the next persons. So who am I to make such a big decision for any other girl or woman, whose life and situation I know nothing about? I just can't ethically do that so I am pro-choice and vote for someone who is pro-choice.

As I said above it is personal to me. And I don't think I have ever shared this story in print on the web or even with that many people. I know I have mentioned that I had an abortion when I was 18 but just never gone into details. My ex-husband and I were in high school so basically lustful teenagers. And we practiced safe sex but the condom broke. It is odd for me because right away after we realized the condom broke I knew I was going to get pregnant. I just had this feeling and I broke down hysterical. Jim kept telling me it is a long shot. And can still remember looking in his eyes and crying and saying I hoped he was right but that my gut was telling me otherwise. This is long before the days of the morning after pill. So I waited until my period was suppose to show up -- just about 2 weeks later-- I think a little under 2 weeks. And it didn't. During high school I could predict my period down to time of the day - 2pm. And so the next day I went and bought a pregnancy test at a drug store in another section of town just so I wouldn't run into anyone I might know.

We had one bathroom in our house at the time so I knew I would have problems finding time to do the test. Four girls in the house meant walking in on others was a fact of life not about manners. One night I set my alarm for 2am knowing I could have the bathroom to myself. We had a linen closet in the bathroom. In the bottom of the closet was a bucket of cleaning supplies so after I urinated on the stick I put it and the box behind the bucket. Yes odd detail but this that is so clear in my mind....bending over to put the tester and box behind the bucket. I then waited. I knew if I were in the bathroom too long my Mom would wake up thinking I was sick. Their bedroom was right next to the bathroom. So I left it there and came back to find it indicating I was pregnant. When extreme trauma or stress enters my life, I go on auto-pilot. I think many people do to cope. I do what I need to get through the day. And most of the time people don't even know that anything is wrong with me. I still do that at times -- but I am more open with my feelings now.

I could hear my Mom's words echoing in my head -- of not getting pregnant young like she did. My Mom and Dad got married because my Mom got pregnant with me. She was 16 and my Dad was 18. Growing up all of us girls heard over and over -- about not ruining your life and opportunities by getting pregnant young. So here I am 18 and pregnant.

I didn't know what my parents would say. Jim was the only one that I had been discussing it with as both my best friends I knew they were against abortion and frankly abortion is the first thing that came to my mind. Jim wanted to marry me and have the baby. He was 17 at the time. Right before offering to marry me he did tell me ultimately it was up to me as it was my body that would have to go through the pregnancy. He did make it clear though his preference would be to marry me and raise our child together. But right away the thought that I would be a horrible mother sprung up. I was too young. My depression and my migraines even then play a huge factor into all my decisions. I knew I loved Jim but I thought that this would ultimately tear us apart because I felt one day I would feel like he made me marry him because of the baby. Add in I didn't want to become like my Mom did with me. I grew up thinking I was this horrible mistake that took her life away from her. And I didn't want to subject a child to that baggage. I thought of all the things Jim and I said we wanted and knew it wouldn't come about if we got married that young.

Jim is incredibly smart....one of those people that doesn't even need to crack a book but knows the answer. And so he needed to go to college...and having a baby meant he would have to work full-time. (I know better now that his parents would have paid for his college and our main bills to get him through college. They would have wanted him and us to have a better life and knew college was the way to get that. But at the time I didn't know that -- only been dating him 3 months at that point - known each other a year but didn't know his parents well at all.)

So abortion was what came to mind for me right away. I called and found out about them and how much it would cost. Because I was 18...I didn't need parent signature or anything. So my plan was for it to be just Jim and I going there. He supported me but he was upset. He cried but told me he understood and could see all my reasons.

I did something unfair then - that I do wish I wouldn't have done.....I told him he could not to tell his parents. I was so scared his parents would forbid him from seeing me because I wanted an abortion. But I told my parents and that is what I think was unfair that I got to tell my parents and he didn't. Actually my Mom guessed. About 2or 3 days after doing the home pregnancy test - we had for our Family Planning class a guest lecturer and I can't remember if it was planned parenthood or not....probably not as they pushed adoption more then any other option. I remember walking out of the class and then running to the bathroom....to get sick. Jim was waiting for me as he had a free period before that class and always waited for me. So he waited...I came out of the bathroom very pale and teary. We went to one of the stair wells to be alone. I broke down crying. I couldn't even get out what had happened right away. But eventually did and I could tell he was upset too but he tried to be strong for me. I came home my Mom asked me what was wrong because my eyes were puffy. I was really good at lying to my parents about where I was going to be (ie: a party) or my grades but emotional things...we didn't talk about emotions very often so when we did it was hard to know what to do. So when she asked me I didn't know what to say....and I told a version of the truth. I told her we had a guest lecturer at school that upset me. I also had been getting morning sickness - all through out the day -- pretty much right away so I was getting sick quite a bit. And I tried to hide it but again --- one bathroom makes it hard to hide that kind of thing.

And so she noticed me being sick. She asked me about the lecture what it was about and I said I really didn't want to talk about - that it was no big deal. Well my Mom worked at the school so she found out. For 2 to 3 days after she tried to get me to tell her I was pregnant without coming out and telling me she thought I was...she wanted to be the good Mom and let me come when I was ready. But at the same time she dropped all sort of hints that I could talk to her about it..like she talked about things that went through her mind when she found out she was pregnant. I told Jim...my Mom knows. And he said there was no way that was possible. But I knew that she knew. So I finally asked her if she knew. And she told me she was waiting for me to come to her....she said she didn't want to pressure me. She asked if I knew for sure....and I told her about the test. She told me those aren't 100% right so called and made me an appointment with our regular family doctor. She was GREAT really...really great. She didn't tell me how disappointed she was or anything. She just told me that she understood what I was feeling and struggling with and it was totally up to me what I wanted to do. My Dad....not so great. It was obviously upsetting my Mom behind the scene...she was being strong for me but breaking down with my Dad so my Dad hates when my Mom is upset so he takes it out on us girls. And so I was the one causing the problems -- so I was the problem and got it taken out on and yelled at that I was so stupid and so on and so forth everything you shouldn't say to your 18 year old daughter who is pregnant and struggling -- he said. He has done the same thing at other crucial times in my life.

But as I said my Mom was great. She went to our doctor with me. The doctor confirmed I was pregnant and supported my decision completely about wanting an abortion. He even found out that our insurance would pay for it because really it was a D&C because I was only 6 weeks along. He made me the appointment at the clinic.

It was decided my Mom would go with me to the clinic. I needed a blood test before the appointment -- to find out what my blood type was but they didn't tell me that until the day they called and confirmed the appointment the day before. So I had to fast and go to do the blood test in the morning and then go the appointment. So I have this little card that has my blood type on it -- and the date. It is a card I carried in my wallet for years and years. I hardly ever pulled it out really didn't even notice the date on it until I found it this past year going through some stuff as I don't carry a wallet. And I noticed the date on it and realized that was the same day as my abortion. So I had my abortion April 11, 1986.

Again my Mom was great through the whole thing. She got teary with me but she was so supportive and understanding. Jim really had a hard time handling it. I did the best I could to help him but really I should have let him tell his parents -- that was so unfair of me. He did end up telling his parents 4 months later. And they were angry with me for not wanting him to tell them. But over all they were fine with me having an abortion. Jim had problems with it later -- after we were married. And he often used it as a way to hurt me -- when we decided to try to get pregnant and I was having problems -- physical problems -- he told me that I screwed up our chance. He told me often that if he had his way we would have had a child already. And so on and so forth.

I know still now after even going through the aftermath of his feelings, that the abortion was the right choice for us. Even after knowing I can't have kids, I know I made the right choice. Choice....it was a choice. And I believe fully in having the choice.

Someone very close to me 6 years after my abortion called me late at night....she had been raped. She was drug across a gravel parking lot, beaten and raped. She got a STD from the rapist and also got pregnant. She called me and I cried with her. And supported her in her decision to get an abortion. It was her life and her situation and her choice.

I am glad she had the choice. I am glad I had the choice. As I said in the start of the post -- how could I tell some girl or woman that they don't have a choice of what to do....it is their life and their own situation. It is a personal choice that no one should have the right to tell another what to do.

So I am pro-choice and vote pro-choice.

Ivan

This is a prompt from Holidailies: Your best experience getting rid of something.

When I moved from Ohio to Colorado, I had a Teddy Bear that meant a lot to me...for many reasons. One being it was the last bear my ex-husband gave me. And there is more meaning behind that but too hard to explain. The bear is deep chocolate brown with a blue knitted sweater. I named him Ivan. I thought I had a picture of him but I am not finding it at the moment.

I always sleep with a teddy bear and he is one I slept with for years. But when I moved from Ohio to be with Master, I felt he was one thing I should let go of...I had good reasons at that time but still I miss him at times. But am very thrilled that he is in a good home with someone that loves him. She is someone very special to me and I love her and miss her too. So leaving Ivan with her...she has a little piece of me that she can hug and know that I am hugging her back.

Neurotic

I often am very sad because I am pretty isolated here. I don't have a lot of friends. I miss my friends in Ohio so much. I took for granted all the time we had together. The friends I have here....are really Master's friends. They were his friends from before I moved here so there is this thing of them knowing him longer so they are his friends who accept me there but I never feel totally welcomed if that makes sense. I always feel a little on the outside.

Tonight I really needed to get some baking done as today kind got caught up in some other things. But we had a friend in town that actually is one of those people I feel a little more comfortable around then most of our friends. So her and Master's best friend were going to get together for drinks and we was invited. Well...I chose baking. Master told me it was up to me -- that I could come. But I chose baking.

As the night has wore on I knew that part of me chose baking because I didn't want to feel the awkwardness and out of place feelings. I didn't want to try to think of what we will talk about, what I should wear and every other little thing I get obsessive about...so I used baking as an excuse to not go. I mean really yes I have a lot to do but this -- going out like this --- is a very rare occasion. Master just isn't the type to go hang with friend very often. So to have him do this too -- is something I probably should have taken advantage of.

This weekend we will be going to two parties. One is with the usual friends that I feel out of place with. And then the other is important to go to -- for business so almost makes me more nervous as I have to be really on as I don't want to be a bad reflection of Master. So more obsessing.

I love this time of year for so many reasons but parties isn't one of them. It is the only time of year that I get this neurotic.

7 Years of Blogging

It has been 7 years of blogging. I always like to remember it because it marked a very significant turning point in my life. It is strange how clearly I remember that time in my life....7 years ago. But I am thankful for starting to blog as I do feel it has helped me so much on my journey.

Every year I look back over the last year and I a came across a post about blogging.

From December 30th 2006: "October did mark my 6 year anniversary of blogging. And so I did my traditional quote for the entry from the Velveteen Rabbit about being real. For me blogging is about being real. It helps me stay on course and be true to myself....as my life is there in the print before my eyes. I have been told a many times my blog isn't a "true sex slave" blog because I don't write about sex or SM that much and well....then I guess I am not a "true" sex slave. But I am a slave in a Master/slave relationship and this is my real life....boring as it might seem to many out there. I am thankful it is my life.

Recently I had something happen that upset and shocked me. And after I read that quote again it made me thankful all over again for being real. My life isn't all roses and sunshine. It does have really spectacular times that just don't always write. As a friend said we tend to write when things rough and when things are going good we are offline having fun. But the last line is what really spoke to me today..."once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I don't expect everyone to understand my relationship with Master. But I am thankful to those that accept it. And even a bigger thing...those that accept I know what is best for me and no one else can really know that...that is being real."

And so that sums it up for me fairly well...blogging for me is about being real. Keeping things real for me. And so to keep on with tradition...

From The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Thank everyone that reads my blog...sends me emails, comments and such. You are all wonderful! You also help me in my journey....Thank you!