Isolation

I started this post back in June when I did a post titled "I'm Coming Out."  Over on lj and through emails - I had a few questions so thought I would do a blog post answering those questions somewhat. Or maybe better phrased that...I hope the blog post answers the questions as I am not posting their questions but just writing.

I have always has some social anxiety but since being isolated here in Master's household - it is now worse. It has become harder and harder for me to be around people.

My therapist and I have been working on it but it is one of those things that I am like do I really even want to be working on this?  There is parts of me that loves the life of isolation Master built for me. But then there are the other parts of me that remember all the groups, parties, outings, and such I did when I lived in Cleveland and even when I was married.  Even though I had anxieties then I pushed through them easier because I am social. I do like being social once I move past the anxieties.

So there is that rub of what to do.....Master isn't completely thrilled with the development of my anxiety but he also likes the isolation he keeps me in.  I feel the same - I feel the isolation really holds me in a place that I can't feel otherwise. It gives me a different feel of being property. I guess for me because I have such little freedom with isolation it creates him being the center of my world very easily. BUT on the other hand I really miss having friends and doing things like I did in Cleveland even though most of that isn't possible here in a small town.  As I am not out to people here. We just started developing a "community" but we haven't been able to actively participate in it much because of me being sick this summer. Even so I am not sure I will find the type of person I can be completely myself with and not have to hide because often Master and my lifestyle even freak those who are under the same umbrella but practice differently.

My therapist is pushing me to meet people.  I don't know how to do that anymore. Making friends how does one do that?  Where do you even start?   Really I don't even know how to make friends online anymore where that used to be easy too.  Because my time is Master's - I am not a consistent friend and that can bother people. Also because Master controls everything - I could stop contact and someone might not know why.   I don't get the freedom to decide when, where, who and how friendships will go because ultimately I am not in control of my life.  

I am lucky I have a few friends that do understand why I don't keep in consistent contact and  are really good about it.  I have had people that didn't understand though and were upset when I disappeared and it was hard to reconnect after that.  They want to understand and accept but at the same time it pushes their insecurity buttons and confuses them. I don't blame them...I am sure I would feel the same way in their position. But often I don't ever change my feelings towards the friendship...my time changes. 

I also take the thought of what this isolation is doing to me long term and what-if he wasn't here anymore. Master is younger then I but I still think about what if.....what-if he died and I was alone.  I don't know anyone here. I suppose I would move to be with family but I really don't want to do that as I have always lived far from my family for a reason.  But I think about what would I do...after being like this....for so many years.  Not being able to make friends and be in the world because my world centered around Him. 

So I worry about all this and even get annoyed at Master wishing that I could go and do things like I used to but at the same time I would be sad if this went away.  My number one thing I masturbate to is even more isolation then I have already. So I do want this it is just hard to find the balance and I am not sure there is a balance that goes with this type of relationship.