Q&A about Don

I have been getting quite a few questions about the Don posts so I thought I would post some of them here in case others have wanted to ask but have been too shy. Really I am open to questions on this....so don't worry you will be upsetting me or intruding.

How do you feel about posting about all this for everyone to read?
I don't mind posting it for everyone to read. For the most part blogging is so a part of my life now that it feels like just a natural place to write about that time in my life. I have gotten all sorts of comments and emails about it...every thing from they can't believe it - to they get turned on - to they can't wait for the next part - to they are angered I went through this and so on. I don't want people to feel sorry for me though and that is what seems to happen the most. That is why I try to state often that this is a relationship is a part of me...because those experiences made me who I am today.

How do you feel after you post each entry?
Well depends on when you ask me. If I would have been asked this question a week or two ago I would have said I have dealt with all of this long ago. So for the most part it is kind of just ho-hum. But I have to confess last weekend I did have a little freak out about it. I worried that Don might read what I wrote and see that I am talking about him and I and possibly contact me. And that thought freaked me out quite a bit.

I have dealt with what I write about though. I went through the anger, shame, guilt, resentment, denial - oh the denial, depression, the flashbacks, the therapy and the acceptance. The acceptance has went through lots of changes in and of itself too. I accept it much differently today then I did 10 years ago. I think of it and write it with a much different attitude then I would have a 5 to 10 years after the event. I accept my responsibility in this. I accept that what he did turned me on and felt like a place I needed to be. Not all of it was good and I probably should have left before it ended but I didn't so I accept that I did stay. I accept these experiences made me the person I am today. That time in my life taught me a lot about myself.

What are your feelings about what happened to you?
I kind of answered that above but I will get into it a little more. After the relationship ended, I tried to pretended that it didn't happen. I was not quite sure of my place in the world after he and I broke up. At that point I had heard that "people don't do that" and "it is wrong" and so I felt "bad" for liking parts of my relationship with Don. Also by the end I was so mixed up...not knowing what was okay for me and what wasn't...I just lumped it all into "bad." I also had all this structure and someone always there in my life and then I didn't.....so I was lost. I had lost my confidence and self-esteem at the end also. So I pushed the whole experience down further and pretended it didn't happen. Finally I started suppress it where I forgot most of it for quite a long time. It was like it was there but locked up in a big box -- so that I didn't think about it, feel it or acknowledge it happened to me.

Then one night a long long time after it happened (about 7 or 8 years)....I started getting nightmares. I would wake up screaming. At that time I was married - to my now ex-husband and he would ask me what the nightmares were about and I couldn't tell him. I saw them clearly in my head but I didn't want to say it outloud. But soon it was hard not too. I had to admit it outloud. Flashbacks, nightmares and insomnia because I was scared to sleep and get nightmares became constants in my life. I became very scared and angry with Don after I admitted I lived that life. As the nightmares continue I realized I was very turned on by the things he did to me. I would wake from nightmares and be very aroused. I felt guilt because of that. I was in therapy at the time and so we discussed it all - the guilt, shame, anger and fear. We dealt with it very much as a rape survivor - at that time. And from how I was feeling about it then...that is what how I viewed myself - a rape survivor. It took me years to not feel anger, fear and guilt about it on a constant basis. I didn't tell my therapist all of it. She never heard most of what I wrote here. I told her about several things I haven't written about yet. And that was it. I have problems - today - calling myself a rape survivor. I just don't know if that is accurate because I feel there was consensual non-consent going on in our relationship --- even though I didn't know that at the time....so there wasn't really consent but there was in the questions he asked me....such as if I would do anything for him...I answered yes. So I did give him consent. But I don't know if I really knew what could happen or what that meant when I said it. Again I own up to my responsibility. I should have asked more questions. I could have done things to slow it down or stop it and I could have left but I didn't. I get confused if I think on it too much. I go by what I feel when I think of it now -- today.

And today I just feel this was part of my path. If I had not met Don I might not have figured out about the masochist side of me as well as the slave part. Granted I wish some things would have gone differently, but really we take out his gambling the things that happened in the relationship I enjoyed. I was his slave even without knowing the word that described what it is that I did with him.


How could you be happy in that situation?
I was happy in that situation up to a point. I loved the control he had over me. I know I have not talked much about the daily control but there were little things all day long that reminded me I was his. And I loved that. I loved all the little things that made his life easier by me doing them - laundry, cleaning his room, getting him drinks and such. I loved the sex and SM. Even the SM that was harsh and more extreme. I loved feeling like this object he could use. Why? Well the why I stopped trying to figure out a long time ago. I just know it makes me feel good and turns me on.

In my relationships before Don, I was used. I was used just for sex so what was wrong with being in a relationship where I got more attention, where I got more pleasure, where I was able to express my sexual desires more easily and freely without fear of being rejected. Don gave me so much more then I got in the other relationships.

I should write about some of the times where I think those reading would see more positives...even though I don't think what I have written so far is negative -- I do understand it is more extreme then some can understand or accept as a good thing.

Would you do it again, knowing what you know now?
I go back and forth on this one. Part of me says yes in a heart beat. And the other part says no. But then I fear I wouldn't have found out about this side...ever. Maybe?

Being brought to the lowest I was even in the bad times --- excites me. I crave those moments with him often still...being absolutely nothing...humiliated and degraded to that level makes me extremely turned on. So although I left broken in ways, I sometimes crave the feelings I got when I was humiliated and degraded to the depths of my soul.

If you could get to where you are today without doing this, would you skip it next time around?
If I could be with Don without him gambling, I would want to repeat it and not skip it. But again part of me just feels it was necessary for me to be with Don all the way through -- even the bad parts --- that it was a part of my life that I can't just wave away and make me become this person. I know that probably sounds very strange...why I would subject myself to him again knowing what I know now...and if I could get here without him. I just guess the realistic side me kicks in and says well that can't happen so why bother with the whatif of it -- I got here and survived and I am who I am because of it. Also just to be clear....I am not saying Don's "abuse" made me masochist or submissive. I am just saying he made me realize there was more inside me and that I could be that person.

Do you think you will stop doing the history posts?
I don't plan on stopping the posts but I do see them going up and down in frequency. But it is my goal to get the whole story out once and for all. I have thought I might be boring people with all this and so give breif thought every once in a while about just writing them but not posting them or post them private just for Master and I on livejournal. But it does seem like some of you out there want to read them. So thank you for reading and thank you for your comments!

How long did it take you before you left? And what was Don's reaction?
I wasn't with him all that long actually. 3 months 13 days. He broke up with me. A friend of mine felt Don was abusing me. One night he went and had a conversation with Don -- later that night Don broke things off with me. I became very lost and actually begged him to take me back a few times but he didn't. I don't know exactly what the friend said to him but I know whatever it was Don was not backing down from being apart. Shortly after I ended up with my ex-husband. And I also know Don got help for his gambling problem shortly after the relationship ended.

Do you think he has continued on now that WIIWD is more widely known to the internet? Do you think he is involved somewhere?
Since I continued to work in the same place as him for quite some time after I always would hear about him and the things going on with him. He started dating a girl while he was with me that his parents "approved of" and he got engaged to her. I then stopped working there but had friends who worked there after I left that told me Don and the girl did get married, eventually he finished med school and moved back to where he was from.

Sidenote: She also has the mirror that Mike gave me. Don gave it to her as a gift.

I can't see her liking SM or D/s. So, if he is involved it would be through affairs as I also can't ever see him being monogamous. I guess it is possible he is out here on the internet and doing what we do. I guess I have tried not to think about it. I did go through a whole phase of what if he is with someone else and does what he did with me with them....had the guilt. But it really started hurting me - where I was going through a self-destructive phase because of the guilt that he might hurt others. My hope now is if he is out there that he is 1) not gambling 2) knows more about D/s and SM and so is doing it in a more consensual way.

Please feel free to drop me an email or comment with any other questions you have about Don and my relationship with him.

History: Don & Mike - Part 4 (b) - Punishment

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

Also just a reminder that although he is someone I would never want to be with again -- it doesn't change that I am the person I am because of these experiences. It was my choice to stay.

I snuggled into his arms and he told me that I would have to be punished for the orgasm. I nodded and started to cry. He told me he would push me harder then he had up to this point. I nodded again, continued to cry and then told him how sorry I was for the orgasm. He sat and talked with me how he had thought about not punishing me but that he had said he would and so he felt he needed to follow through. We talked, kissed and snuggled for a bit before he got ready to punish me.

He had this bar stool that was shaped that a person could straddle it as they sat on it...almost like a bike seat. It also was just the right height that when I put my feet down as I straddled it....my toes could reach the floor. He pulled it into position under the hooks in the ceiling. He also pulled out a piece that slipped on top of the stool seat. It had little tacks on it....points facing up towards the ceiling. He told me he made it just for me and got this look in on his face that sent shivers of fear down my back. He pulled me to him and kissed and told me that he wanted my cunt to be ripped up. He almost growled it out as he said it. It was said with more of a sadistic tone then I had heard from him before. I felt the fear shake through me. It was the first time with him that I had that level of fear. And with the fear came arousal. He said, "straddle it now." I sat down on top of the tacks. They poked into my tender bits. I was about to panic...I felt it starting to wash over me...when he grabbed me by the throat and squeezed...he looked into my eyes before kissing me deeply. I became even more aroused and more calm again.

He did some wraps with the rope around my wrists and then strung them up above my head - through the hooks on the ceiling. He then put nipple clamps on me with a rope hanging from the chain that ran between them. He strung the rope up to the hooks and pulled them tight too. He had me lean up more so that my ass was coming out on the edge of the stool and my labia was opening up more and pressing into the tacks. I felt some of them pricking into my flesh and thought it had to be piercing skin....it hurt and I felt tears start to well and he really hadn't started with the "beating." He grabbed my panties that I had been wearing....the ones that were soaked with my arousal with Mike earlier. He stuffed some of them into my mouth.

And then it started...he picked up the cane and hit my ass....not hard really at all. But hard enough for me to have a little movement along the tacks. I yelled into the panties because it felt like they were ripping me as I moved along them. He continued...and not only was my labia having pain shoot through it but the clamps would also move as he caned me so they would sear with pain also. He continued to cane me....harder and harder. I was screaming into the gag. He just continued caning me. I felt like I was going crazy the pain was so intense. The fear from the pain was making me move to get away but that just made the situation worse. The tacks ripped into the inner labia, clit and around my urethra. I shook my head no screaming inside for him to stop as it hurt so much….he laughed at me. I was crying and hysterical with fear and pain. I tried to keep still and not move but it wouldn’t work when he caned me I moved. And soon I lost it again and shook and moved. I was pulled on the rope trying to get my hands free and as I did that the clamps pulled off my nipples, which of course was another addition to the pain happening to my body. He came in front of me and grabbed me by the hair and looked at me. He looked so angry. He then slapped me and told me all the little things I believed inside….that I deserved it and that I was lucky he wanted someone like me. And so on. He spit on me and then said that I was lucky to be having his attention and then he went back to caning me. His caning got so hard that it opened up the skin. I felt it. I felt the blood dripping down my legs. And soon the pain was so much that I couldn’t handle it….l passed out. It wasn’t the same as before….it wasn’t a warm blackness surrounding me and me sinking in. It was pain such pain that my mind and body couldn’t handle it so I passed out.

When I awoke I was in his closet on the floor. I felt as though I couldn't move. My body hurt so much. I tried to remember how I got to the closet but couldn't remember it for several moments. And then it flooded back. I started crying..mind raced with why did I let this happen to me. I didn’t want to feel the cuts on my body….between my legs and on my ass and thighs and I felt I would lose it again. I sat there and cried silently in the dark on the floor of his closet.

It didn't occur to me to open the door. I feel asleep again while I cried. I woke because I hurt. I tried to find a position that didn’t hurt but it seemed impossible. It was dark and I didn't know what time it was...and I needed to go the bathroom. I started to cry not knowing what to do. It was a hard floor but I had a towel that as lying on me when I awoke so I folded it over a few times and sat on it....and peed on it and myself. It hurt so much. It stung, ached and hurt more then anything I had ever felt. I started crying...from fear then....fear of what was done to me…the unknown of what might be.

I think I was crying so loud that he heard me and then opened the door. He squatted down before me. He saw the towel and smelled the urine. He laughed. "My dirty whore." He called me more names and how I was probably so worthless right now that he wouldn’t be able to fuck me. He brought me out on to his bed. And opened me. He was looking over the cuts, scratches, marks, and bruises. He asked me if I was his to do anything too. I cried and nodded to scared to know what to do. He slapped me and said say it. I told him I was his to do anything he wanted too. He then told me he was going to fuck me again. (I later found out that after I passed out he continued to cane me - taking me down and caned my tits and front thighs plus he fucked me so I was pretty literally covered in bruises head to toe.)

He told me that I would not scream during it. That I would enjoy it like a good girl. He had me suck on him a bit and then entered me fast and hard. It hurt so much right from the start. I felt tears well up right from the enter. And tears turned him on. He fucked me harder. As he fucked me he whispered in my ear how I was just this object for his use to beat, fuck, use, abuse…that I was his toy, maid, slut, whore….his nothing. It was the first I heard the words nothing. Being fucked hurt so much that I didn’t have a moment to think about what he was saying. It just seemed to climb right into my brain and say yep we fit perfectly here….she is a nothing. I am not sure how else to describe it that it just became so with him. He uttered it and I became it. And also at the same time there was a part of me that said this is wrong.

He continued to fuck me and it hurt so much that I was biting my lips to not scream. He finally grabbed a pillow and shoved it into my face. He came. After he had me clean him off and there was blood. I started to cry and he just slapped me and said to clean him off. I licked him clean. And then he told me he was hungry and to go get ready to go out.

I went to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror...my tits were black with red and purple. My ass looked black…no real other colors. There were blood spots scattered all over my body. I looked down and saw scratches and cuts on my pubic bone/area. I was scared. And I looked….and cried. But as I cried even though I didn’t “like the pain” there was part of me that was getting aroused by looking at…my used and abused body and I was scared at the same time that I let someone do this to me. Even as I thought of the fear during it…I felt the wetness grow. I heard his words over and over in my head that he could do anything to be because I was his nothing. And it made me want to crawl to him and kiss him and thank him.

I took a shower and we went to eat. He told me he wanted me to spend the night so I called my Mom and Dad and said I was going to go sleep at so and so’s house. They said okay. So Don and I ate but I was in obvious pain. Every thing…hurt…clothing on my body hurt…movement hurt. He bought me several strong drinks to help numb me. And they were making me very lightheaded. So he thought we should leave. We did and soon as we got back to his place he had me undress. And he told me to get in the closet again. I was out of it…and just crawled back in. No questioning. Not objecting. Not begging for him not too. No wondering what I would do if I had to go the bathroom again. Nothings don’t think of those things. I just did what he told me to.

Before he locked the door he had thrown me a towel again and also little throw type blanket. He joked that he might have to get a litter box for me. Soon I was asleep in the closet. I slept hard. I was so tired – physically, emotionally and mentally. But after a while I awoke to noises from the room. I looked through the keyhole and there he was having sex with someone. I watched them and got wet. After they finished I fell asleep again.

I awoke with the door opening….

To be continued…

History: Don & Mike Part 4 (a)

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

The day was another short day for me at school and it was for Mike as well but Don had quit a few things going on. So told me that I would study with Mike after classes. I did masturbate as he instructed and almost went over all 3 times, as I was getting really turned on by the denial even.

I missed seeing Mike the day before and was really anxious to see him again. I arrived at his door nervous like it was our first date. All the butterflies were because I liked him more then I knew I should like him. I opened the door and there he was in his jeans and t-shirt....bare feet...hair was wet. He had just got out of the shower just minutes before I arrived. On the bed was a box with a bow. He noticed I saw it and told me it was for me. He picked it up and handed it to me. Inside was an old ornate compact mirror. It was silver with porcelain inlay that was painted with kind of art nouveau flowers design. On the inside - there was a mirror on one side and on the other side there was inscription that was worn in places that you could barely read it. And to tell you the truth I don't remember the inscription now. I just remember it being about beauty and nature. It bothers me I don't remember it. But I didn't get to hang onto it very long.

I cried when I saw it. I couldn't believe I was getting such a beautiful gift. I asked him why and he said that he was proud of all the hard work I was doing preparing for biology. And that he had saw it and thought of me. I cried more. And told him that he shouldn't have...that it was too nice for me and on and on. He brought my face up to look in his eyes and quieted my tears and words. He said that I was beautiful and I deserved the gift. And then kissed me. It was long and deep and passionate. It made me melt. He then undressed me and went down on me again. I got close and stopped him. I told him that Don didn't want me to cum. He seemed annoyed...and acted like he was going to stop. He snuggled next to me and I told him I didn't want to stop that I wanted him to be inside me. He kissed me deeply again. Our hands all over each other. He finally reached over to his nightstand and pulled out a condom. After putting it on he slid into me slowly. And finally was fucking me deeply -- I was wanting to come so much. I was getting close and didn't wanted Mike to stop but I knew he was close. His thrusts of course increased as he neared his orgasm and so because it felt so good I couldn't hold back any longer and orgasmed. He orgasmed soon after I did. He kissed me and said he was sorry as he knew I had an orgasm. I cried. And he apologized again. I told him not to apologize as I enjoyed it and that I knew Don would be upset and I would take the punishment I deserved.

Mike sat up on bed...he said no! And I asked him what he meant. He told me I shouldn't be punished. That I was doing what Don told me...pleasing Mike. I said that it would be okay but he got angry. I said that it was just how it was suppose to be....that Don probably wanted me to fail. And so he would have got it one way or another. Mike was even more upset with that and told me to break it off with Don. I said no right away. It was like my brain could not connect that I didn't "need" to be with him. We talked some more about me being with Don and such and then he decided we should study. So we did....but not for very long as neither of us could get into it.

I went to Don's room and got ready for him. I wrote out my feelings of what happened with Mike and my feelings for Mike and Don. I then waited and waited. I feel asleep waiting....I awoke with his hand in my hair and him slapping me. He slapped me and said get on the floor. I scrambled to get on the floor. I then felt his boot hit my bottom hard...causing me to actually move forward. Tears welled up from the pain. And the fear. He threw the papers that I had written my thoughts and feelings on down on the floor in front of me. He did the thing that always looks hot in the pictures....he put his boot down on my neck pushing me forward into the papers. He said, "so you think you like Mike...." -- he laughed as he said it. He then dropped down to his knees and pulled me up by my hair to look at him....he kissed me. He kissed me deeply and said that I was his...he said it over and over again. Kissing me and telling me I was his....kissing me and telling me I was his. He then punched me in the stomach. And asked me if I was his....I said yes. He then punched me harder in the thigh and said are you sure. I said yes. He then squeezed my breasts so hard I was having problems not screaming. And he asked if I was his...I said yes. He kept asking me after each punch and squeeze and infliction of pain. He then started asking me if I would do anything for him. I said yes. He said even anal sex. I said yes. Even sleep with every guy in this house. I said yes. Even be gang banged. I said yes. Even sold to anyone who wanted to fuck you. I said yes. I said yes...to it all. He kissed me passionately then touching me softly and tenderly then. He looked at me with such care in that moment like I had just made him so proud and happy but there was also that underlining look of excitment...and sadism peeking out too. All the sadistic thoughts going through his head. All those thoughts of anal sex, me being fucked by other men and so much more going through his head. But I liked that feeling that he was pleased - proud and happy with these thoughts of me. I snuggled into his arms and he told me that I would have to be punished for the orgasm. I nodded and started to cry. He told me he would push me harder then he had up to this point. I nodded again and continued to cry and then told him how sorry I was for the orgasm. He sat and talked with me how he had thought about not punishing me but that he had said he would and so he felt he needed to follow through. We talked, kissed and snuggled for a bit before he got ready to punish me.

To be continued...

History: Don & Mike Part 3 (b)

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

Okay so I went into the bathroom to get ready for studying with Mike. There was a full-length mirror hanging opposite of the mirror above the sink so standing there I saw my ass and thighs. They looked like hamburger - red, blue, purple, black –the bruises all ready surfacing. For a moment I was horrified. And then I touched them and just stared at them. I liked them. I liked that he did that to me. He came in and saw me touching them and said "you like it." I did I blushed I know from the thought of liking something like that. I did the internal thing of I shouldn't like this and then it left my mind quickly because I saw how much he liked it. And then that made all those doubts go away for me.

He again told me to not to wash the cum off my tits. I washed up everywhere except there. I redid my hair and make up and got dressed. Don told me to change the sheets on his bed and get the room ready for him to go out. That was something usual with him. He would go out on dates - I never knew who it was with but then they would come back to his room. I would get candles out, matches out, condoms in his night stand (yes he used condoms with others but not me) and just made sure everything was nice and neat. He was taking a shower as I changed the sheets and got the room set up and neat. After he got dressed and we discussed that I would bring my bag with me to Mike's and go home after that. And we set a time for me to call – 2am. This was before the time of pagers and cell phones. He would have loved those devices I am sure.

So he walked me down to Mike's room. They did some small talk and then he turned to me and told me to undress. I unzipped my pants and started to slip them off. They continued to chat like I wasn't even there. I continued to undress until I was completely naked. He then told me to turn around and show Mike my marks. I turned around and then they talked about me like I was jus this object in the room. Mike asked him what he used on me. And things like that. I stood there. Don said to him "I think she should be naked while you study." Mike said something about it being "a distraction to both of us." Mike expressed that looking at my marks was getting him hot. Don told me to turn around and get on my knees. And then basically used a string of words implying that a slut like me would know what to do next....as it was my natural place in the world. I looked up at Mike wondering if that was okay with him and Mike unbuttoned his jeans and pulled his cock out for me. I started to go down on him but again he was quite big and so it took a bit to stretch open to him. Don said something like -- “she doesn't seem to be is a very good slut today.” Mike pushed me off and moved to the bed...Don kicked me in the ass to go with him. I crawled to Mike and continued where I had left off with sucking him. Soon Mike came...and I started to gag on the cum because of how it shot into my throat. Don said to swallow. I couldn't it came out and dripped down my chin. He grabbed me by the hair and tilted my face up to him slapping me. "I said swallow” He wiped the cum off my chin with this fingers and shoved his fingers into my mouth. I sucked them. And he said good girl and then let go of me. He did a kick to my ass again and said be good and then a little more small talk with Mike before he left the room.

Mike pulled me up to him on the bed and kissed me. We talked....and he did question me what had went on with Don. So we talked about the caning. At some point he had me turn over and he was looking at the marks. He then got some kind of ointment from a drawer and started to rub it into my bottom and thighs. I asked him if the marks really turned him on. He told me yes they did but that he did worry that it was too much for me. I told him I enjoyed it. He just nodded. We snuggled and continued to talk about all sorts of things. I then got dressed and we studied. After studying I asked him if he wanted another blowjob or if he would like to use me. Those were my words. Again it seems so odd to think that it was just so matter of fact yet like every girl in the world was doing what I was doing….offering their boyfriend’s friend a blow job. Anyway, he said no. He kissed me very passionately and hugged me - told me how pretty and special I was...that he loved our time together and then he sent me home.

At 2am I called Don. Right away he asked what else happened with Mike. I told him and he said that I must not have given a very good blowjob for Mike not want to use me again. He then said to me that he might have to get a few more friends so that will use me so that I can gain practice. It was the first seed of something he wanted. Although I think he was disappointed Mike didn’t use me more he was happy that I didn’t have a chance to orgasm. And he told me that I might not orgasm again….which just made my clit throb harder. He told me that he wanted me to masturbate 3 times the next day but not to cum just to bring it to that edge. We chatted a few more moments before we hung up.

The next night was a work night so I didn’t see Mike. But I did see Don after work for a quickie. He just had me give him a blowjob and then told me to leave. He barely talked to me because he was so tired but did ask me about masturbating. I was not going over the edge but did beg him to let me masturbate and cum. He said no and told me not to bring it up again. He said that next day with Mike I was not allowed to cum either. I was to masturbate again when I got home that night and 2 more times before coming to the house.

The following day was another short day for me at school and it was for Mike as well but Don had quit a few things going on. So told me that I would study with Mike after classes. I did masturbate as he instructed and almost went over all 3 times as I was getting really turned on by the denial even.

More to come…

History: Don & Mike Part 3 (a)

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

Okay so I went home that evening from Don's with the order to masturbate 3 times but not orgasm before I saw him the next day. Well I was extremely turned on from the nights events so I decided when I got home that although I would love to masturbate it probably was not "safe" as I might have orgasmed. So I just went to bed....but I woke in the middle of the night extremely turned on so I decided to try masturbate. And I did...I took myself to that edge and stopped. Again in the morning in the shower I did the same thing. And then I did one more time right after classes before heading to his place....in my car.

When I got there he had just got home from his classes and we didn't do our usual routine of small talk and such. As soon as I closed the door he was grabbing by my hair, unzipping his pants and pushing me down on my knees to suck him. I guess the need was a little urgent. After he came he went to sleep for a little bit and I took care of the normal things I did while there.

After he woke, we talked about the masturbation "assignment" and I told him about it and he was shocked that I hadn't orgasmed. He was disappointed. We talked about that...him wanting me to fail. It seems like such an odd conversation now....knowing where we go in our relationship. So then he laughed and said "well I can still punish you for failing to fail." I was conflicted with his words. I felt like I disappointed but yet I obeyed because I didn't want to disappoint him. It didn't make sense to me. He finally said to me "I am beating you because I WANT and DESIRE to beat you." And that I could understand.

He had me undress while he got things set up. He had this bar stool that was shaped that a person could straddle it as they sat on it. It also was just the right height that when I put my feet down as I straddled it....my toes could reach the floor. But that day we used it differently. He put nipple clamps on me first and then had me bend over the stool. He tied the chain on the clamps to one of the rungs in the stool. Then tied my wrists to the legs of the stool. He took my panties...that were still wet from arousal and stuffed them into my mouth. He told me to suck on them. He then proceeded to cane me. He caned my ass, the back of my thighs and the inside of them. As he caned me -- I moved and the clamps would move around also. So between the cane and the clamps I was screaming into the gag.

He kept going and going...I was hurting so much. My ass felt like a giant welt. I cried and cried and finally it got to the point I couldn't feel pain anymore and it was just black around me...it wrapped around me and I was sinking into it. My version of subspace -- at least that is what I have told myself.

When I came out of it....I was lying on his bed wrapped up under blankets. He was snuggling up close to me and telling me I was his good girl. He then fed me a sandwich and helped me sip a drink. After we ate he kissed me and then we had sex. He fucked me from behind...told me how great my ass looked....he squeezed on the bruises and it made me let out little screams so he would shove my head down into the pillows holding me for a bit. He then dig his fingers into my ass again...I would muffle my screams. He would tell me that he was going to take my ass one day soon. Something he and I discussed and I was totally freaked out about. He pulled out and rubbed the head of his cock along my anus and I was begging that he not do that. He rubbed it there while talking to me about what a whore I was and how I was only good for sex. And that one day he would have all my holes. And then he shoved back into my pussy. He dug his fingers into my bruised ass. It hurt so much that I started to cry. He knew I was and he told me he liked it when I cried for him. He had me reach between my legs and rub my clit. He spanked my ass as he fucked me and soon I was begging. I don't even know why I begged -- no one told me I needed permission. But because of the night before I assumed I needed it. He said no and told me to stop. I was begging please and pulled out and punched my cunt. He said NO very forcefully as he did it. He turned me over on to my back and he straddled my face with his back facing my head with his balls over my mouth. He had me suck and lick them he would masturbate for a bit. He would stop and slap and squeeze my tits. And then go to masturbating again. Soon he came and rubbed the cum all over my tits.


After he told me to not wash it off but to get ready to go see Mike....

To be continued....

History: Don & Mike Part 2

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

Okay so Don being Don....means that we can't ever do things the same. Meaning I wasn't just going to be giving Mike blowjobs after he helped me study.

The next time we studied together we were again in his room. And Don had me dress fairly slutty...short skirt, stockings, blouse unbuttoned quite a bit, heels...no bra and no panties. He told me to just go with whatever Mike wanted to do. Mike made some comment as soon as I entered that he felt it might be hard for him to concentrate. But we did manage to get through it and I didn't have to offer anything...as soon as we closed the books he was grabbing and kissing me. Oh my he knew how to kiss. He pulled me up and was in my shirt squeezing my breasts and lifting my skirt touching me. He noticed no panties right away and he stopped kissing me for a moment...he had this twinkle in his eye like he had just gotten the best surprise. It was so sexy and cute at the same time. We continued to kiss...he had me pushed against a wall while he touched me....breasts, pussy, ass....his hands just went every where. When I tried to touch him he pushed my hands away. And I would try again. He finally grabbed my hair and looked at me and said "don't touch me until I say it is okay." Oh the tone. It of course made me melt into a bigger puddle of goo. He continued touching...getting a little rougher and I was extremely turned on and he could tell. He pushed me onto his bed and had me spread my legs for him. He told me how sexy I was....then he went down on me. If you have read my journal for a while you know this is not something I can relax and enjoy. And at that point in my life....Brian had been the only person that had done that. And when I tried to tell Mike no...he gave me that look like you are saying no to this. He stopped though...and asked me what was wrong. I explained to him that I had not had much experience with men doing that. And that I was nervous. He told me to shhh and said relax and enjoy.

I couldn't really. Still have that problem today. But many things he did felt wonderful. And after a while I begged him to fuck me. And something I still remember to this day...is he got a condom out. See most of the men I was with didn't seem to care....it was before all the preaching of safe sex. The only thing that worried me often was getting pregnant but usually the desire for sex made that worry escape my mind unfortunately. Mike stopped put a condom on and then fucked me. I don't think I mentioned in the other post...Mike was very well....umm big. Not only long but thick too. And so when he slide into me...it hurt. He was very slow and gentle though as obviously had experience with sex hurting the girls he was with. So he slowly worked me up and soon I was taking it all. And it was marvelous. He really was aware of my body...and you could see where he wanted to create certain reactions. He wanted to set the move up and have me react a certain way. And he did it.

Often what would happen with men...before him and with Don too...is that they they would get so turned on that they would forgo the "plan" and just do what they wanted because well they were horny by that time. Mike paced it through. He wanted it to go a certain way and he made sure it did....all the way to the end.

He did just the perfect amount of pain mixed with the pleasure for me. And it was an incredible experience. After, we laid there and talked and cuddled and again kind of new things for me. It was more tender and sweet. We didn't just talk sex when we were together. He seemed interested in getting to know me. All very different for me.

I knew it was getting late and Don would be expecting me to report in. He told me that he was enjoying our time together and looked forward to the next time. He also told me that I better study...he had given me a couple of little assignments to help me remember the things he was teaching me.

As I left his room I realized I was falling for him.

So I went to Don's room....

I entered his room and could see that he was ready and waiting for me. He had his boxers on but was hard. He sat on his bed and motioned for me to come over. He had me lay across his lap as he leaned against the headboard. I did as he told me too. He lift my skirt and rubbed my bottom and then told me to tell him about the evening. As I told him about the evening he used some wooden spoons and a paddle on my ass. When I would not give as much detail as he wanted he would hit me harder. He told me that he didn't know why Mike went down on me. Basically humiliating me by reminding me that I had been with quite a few men and I was "a dirty whore." The things he said although humiliating turned me on. I got extremely turned on and all I could think about was giving him a blowjob. I wanted him in my mouth. I begged to have him in my mouth...and he drug me to position between his legs so I could suck on him. It was one of those blow jobs where I just was lost in it. It went on for a bit before he moved me so that I lying on my back...and he fucked my mouth. And how he was on top of me I couldn't move. I just laid there while his cock went in and out of my mouth and down my throat. He knew I liked being with Mike and he called me a whore and then spit on my face. He kept saying more dirty things to me and would spit on me every once in a while. I had spit all over my face...dripping...I felt used and like nothing....just this thing to use for sex. He came down my throat. I started to gag and he laughed at me. After he pulled out of my mouth...he took me by the hair and drug me off the bed. He told me I was lucky to be in his bed that long. I started to wipe the spit off my face. He told me no to keep it there. He asked if I was horny. I nodded. He then had me masturbate for him. I never had masturbated in front of anyone before. I started to do it and he would ask me questions about Mike as I masturbated. Just as I was getting close to cumming he asked me I liked being with Mike...I said yes and he told me to stop masturbating and to take away my hands.

He gave me all the talk of how lucky I was to be with him and that I didn't deserve to orgasm because he was way to nice to me. He had me go wash up and come back - before I left he ordered me to masturbate 3 more times before I saw him the next day -- but not to orgasm and if I did that I would be punished.

To be continued....

History: Don & Mike Part 1

If you don't know anything about Don please read the post before this one to help you understand that part of my life more.

Okay so today I was thinking about Don...and thinking of a specific time with him. The end of the semester was coming...and so finals were going to be coming up. I am horrible with math and science. I was talking Biology that semester and totally lost. Don and all his roommates were med students so good with science. Don told me that I would be studying with one of his roommates -- someone we both worked with also. His name was Mike. He was very handsome. Actually way more my type then Don. So the first night we studied together went great. He explained things in a way that just clicked for me. I was to study every night that week with him (except one where I worked). Okay the second night I was to study with Mike in his room at the house. I stopped in to see Don first as I was told to do....he said to me that as a thank you for Mike helping me that evening I should give Mike a blowjob. I was shocked by what Don was telling me to do. I was embarrassed too. But I of course was going to obey even though I was scared. He told me what he wanted to happen and to come back to his room after we were done. Mike and I studied and then I told him thank you and reached over and put my hand on his crotch...rubbing my palm against him. I felt him start to get hard right away. As I rubbed him I told him I would like to thank him for all he was doing. He put his hand behind my neck pulled me to him and kissed me. He kept ahold of my neck he guided me to my knees in front of him. I unzipped his pants and went down on him. I loved the way he sounded when he came and how he reacted durnig the blowjob. After he was smiling and told me I was good. He hugged and kissed me and thanked me for the nice present.

I felt different with him then with Don. He was strong and dominant. I knew that with how he acted. But it was different then Don...more tender I guess. Although that tenderness is not coming in what I am writing I am sure.

After I went to tell Don that I did what he told me too. He seemed surprised. He got out some toys...a belt, nipple clips, and crop. He had me undress and kneel before him. He did something we had not really played with at this point....edge play...breath play. He looped the belt around my neck. It felt odd and cold around my neck. He then put the clamps on my nipples. He sat in front of me...just in his robe. He told me to describe what I did. He pulled on the belt a little making it snug around my neck. I described what I did in detail for him. I saw that his cock was getting hard. At one point he grabbed me by the hair and said, "you enjoyed it...didn't you, slut?" He pulled on the belt a little more as he asked me. I felt it tightness around my neck..it was different and exciting. It caught me by surprise and then I was caught with...not really knowing how to answer the question....what was the "right" answer. He released my hair and slapped me across my face because I didn't answer right away. The sting on my cheek, the tightness around my neck...and the thought of the blowjob I gave Mike aroused me. I thought about how much I did like it. I liked it a lot and I liked that here I was kneeling before my boyfriend telling him the details and it was turning him on. Once I told him I did enjoy he seemed even more aroused. I think it was the first time he really saw the...slut in me. I became a slut for him in bed before...I loved the way he made me feel and the way my body responded to him. But that I obviously responded with Mike....too and that I enjoyed "doing" multiple men aroused him. I don't think he had actually been with a girl that would go that far of being with others. It was something he wanted but never had before. He saw how much I gave him....seeing him with others and accepting that is how it would be and now he gave me to another and I accepted it. I dripped with wetness from it and he grew hard....both of us feeling it...how much it turned us on.

He pushed me down on him to give him a blow job. He tightened the belt around my neck as I gave him one. I would choke and panic and he would slap me when I fought and push me back in place often holding my head down on his cock as he pulled on the belt. I'd choke and he said it felt good. He would move between....tightening the belt...tugging on the clamps....and then finally introduced the crop...he would reach over me and swat my bottom with it while I sucked on his cock. I was moaning and aroused. He finally said something like "I think my whore wants to be fucked." I did...I wanted him to fuck me. I was so turned on. He pushed me down the bed and fucked me. We both came...hard and collapsing into each other. We laid there for a few moments...then kissed.....he kissed me hard...and deep. He told me I was his and that he was proud of me for obeying. He took the clamps off...I yelped and he slapped them...and said that he loved how I responded to pain and pleasure. And took the belt off my neck. We talked about that...he asked me how I liked it. I liked it a lot. He kissed me again and pushed me out of bed telling me to go home.

More to come....about Mike....and Don.

I wonder why some moments are so clear what happened and ask me 2 weeks from now about this...all and I won't remember it. It fades in and out.

Revisiting History....

Okay so at some point yesterday when lying in bed with my continuing migraine.....I was thinking about Don. And what I was thinking about...well some of it....I will write at the end of the this post. But it also made me think of the history posts I made a while back and I so I went back and reread all those last night.

So just sharing them here too....

History Part 1 - Jeff

History Part 1 Continued - Brian

History Part 1 - Continued Again - More Brian

History Part 2 - Childhood (this entry might be triggering for those with childhood sexual abuse in their history so please don't read if you might be triggered by something like that)

History Part 3 - Prelude to Don

History Part 3 - Continued - Becoming Don's

History Part 3...continued...

Notes: I did some entries a few years ago about Don so I have those listed at the bottom of this entry. After I had written this entry, I went to read those and thought I should include them – but realize the first entry contains some of the same info I write about here now. Also I might include a few more post about Don in the near future as I know rereading them has got me to thinking and that will cause me to recall them again. So there might be more to this part of the history – just like there was when I wrote about Brian.


We had a buffet at the pizza place and it was part of my job to break it down – so I was on the floor and if anyone knows about buffets they are filled with water to help keep the food hot…using steam and the hot water. So I had to drain all the water out in big buckets. I was on my knees on the floor – draining the water into the buckets and Don came over to me. I had my back towards him – he said, “you are coming home with me tonight and I am going to fuck you hard.” I started to turn to tell him to go to hell or fuck off…and I looked up at him…I couldn’t….the only words that came out of my mouth was “yes…okay” – they were stuttered. I felt flustered as soon as I saw him standing above me. He walked away.

As I was getting my jacket to leave...he came up behind me, he was standing close but not touching me, he told me I would follow him in my car to his place. The tone…the tone…reached down into me. I knew I was getting turned on already. I nodded and he said, “let's go.” I followed him to his place.

Don was a med student and lived in a big old Victorian house near the med school. He lived there with around 8 or 9 other guys - all of them med students. I can’t remember how many for sure now, but I think it was around eight or nine. He led me to his bedroom. I was nervous and usually had not been with other guys. I wasn’t sure how to act. I think he picked up on my nervousness but I am sure he had known, seen or heard that I was not nervous with guys – as I went through the rumor mill at the pizza place of being a slut. Funny though the people at my high school knew nothing of that and all thought I was actually very straight laced. So, as I said I think he saw that I was nervous so he had me sit down on the bed. He did a few things around the room – put his book bag contents away, lit some candles and we chatted a bit. He then got comfortable - undressing down to boxer shorts. He told me to strip. Not take my clothes off but strip. He told me how to do it….each movement, each button, each slide of my hand over and under my clothing. He directed my every movement and as he did the tone...the commanding tone made me wet beyond belief. What I still find amazing today – it never occurred to me to ask why or to just start doing it my way. I just did it…his way. After I was undressed, he stood up and pulled me to him…kissing me very passionately. He then led me to the bathroom where we took a shower – we both smelled like garlic - we worked in a pizza place. It was a hot soapy shower….where we touched and washed everywhere. We dried each other off. Again while in the shower washing – he told me what to do and how to do it. And the same when I dried him.

Naked....freshly showered bodies pressed together kissing....passion and anticipation for what was to come next. He led me to his bed where he pushed me down roughly. He put my arms above my head and held them there fingers digging into me... holding me down. It scared me a bit but again I could still feel how turned on I was by it. As he held me down he would bite me and grab at me with his other hand. His hands and fingers digging into my body...hard..hurting me but it was that pain that just seemed to make me want more. He shoved into me and fucked me…hard and rough. He did just a little spanking and slapping. It was happening so fast and so intense that I didn’t have time to think or react with my brain just my body….my body reacting to his touch and what he was doing to me. I had a powerful exploding orgasm though. It all happened in that matter of moments…the whole interaction…he came fast too. After he came he slapped my tits, he squeezed them hard. He would bit, squeeze, twist, slap, spank and I remember just totally losing myself into it….and soon we were fucking again. I had an even more intense orgasm. After he was very loving and tender. He told me I was a good girl. I saw the time and knew my parents would start to worry soon if I did not get home. So I told him I needed to leave. He told me to get dressed. He watched me and right before I finished he called me to him. He kissed me and told me that I would come back tomorrow. He told me when to be there, what to wear and what we would do when I got there. But I don't think I really heard all the words as I was floating so high up. I just felt it inside this knowing of it felt so right. I just said yes. (To see what happens the next day read the Nov 6th link at the bottom.)

I became his from that moment. I didn’t admit until years later but I remember it clearly being the moment I became his. Completely? Well probably not in that moment but that did happen over time…short amount of time actually.

He controlled everything in my life – where I went, what I did, what I ate, what I spent money on, how I dressed, when I worked, when I studied, when I moved and breathed – that is what it felt like. It felt so natural and right. It felt like he had opened a part of me that I never knew was there….and let me be me. I really was thriving in process of becoming his possession. He was allowing me to have a dream – of being someone’s…being his.

Oddly enough I didn’t fall in love with him. I loved and cared for him. I was devoted and desired him. But the feeling that I had for Brian…the love I had for Brian was different then I had for Don. As I said I cared for Don and loved him in a way but not like I did Brian.

So all sound hunky dory with him right? Yes it was…unfortunately it did not stay that way. Don ended up developing a gambling habit. He had one I guess several years before I met him but had stopped and then started up again while we were together. He would drink more when he gambled and so a not-so-in-control part would come out more then. He ended up doing lots of things to me that should have made me leave but by that time I was enslaved and I couldn’t face leaving – be it I believed I couldn’t or my own fears of leaving or something else keeping me there.

I often look back and feel like I was Alice falling down the hole...was it all dream or a nightmare...somedays it feels like both. As the years pass the more and more I see my time with him differently. I see that although it would have been nice if he would have told me what we were doing - M/s and SM that it might have been easier and not confused my mind so much. But because the good times and bad times got meshed together - it confused me and so I just gave into it.

This entry and the entries below (all except the last maybe) will probably all look very much a like a normal M/s couple. It is what happen after these times I describe where the lines of abuse and M/s blurr and maybe I will share some of those times too. Those times....still turn me on too...even though I remember the fear associated with those times with him.

Some of these are in the midst of longer life update entries so I went and put astricks in so you can scroll down to those if you don't want to read the whole entry.

Nov. 6, 2003 - this entry has a little more - about what happened the next day - where I left off in this entry.
Nov. 7, 2003
Nov. 8, 2003 (I realized that this link was not working when I published earlier...it is working now)
Nov. 10, 2003
Dec. 8, 2003 - this one might be triggery for those with abuse in their history.

History Part 3

After Brian, I dated and slept with a few guys but nothing was serious. I was frankly bored by most of the guys I met. When I was with Brian, we ended up at lots of parties that comprised of people I worked with because Dee, her boyfriend and I all worked at the same pizza place – and they were a party crowd. After we broke up, I would go to the parties find someone to have some fun with and then often leave just feeling well annoyed because it was not fun. I discovered many men just wanted me to give them what they wanted without any regards to mutual pleasure and although I do enjoy being used by Master today. And enjoyed being used back then, I also desired mutual pleasure. So, my interactions became boring for me. They were not engaging the mind with the body...just using the body. I hear Willow's line from Buffy the Vampire - The Wish when I recall those times, "Bored Now." I kind of had that same expression to those time. I remember being very lonely at the parties because I was so bored by everyone there.

I then turned 18 and that is pretty much when my life changed...but backing up for a moment...

As I said in my first history post the man that first enslaved me – I met while dating Brian. I met Don, when Brian and I were together. We were at a party. I was really drunk. Brian had done some drugs before we left to go to the party. Then we were drinking lots at the party -- he told me he needed to lie down. So we went to one of the bedrooms. He was on the bed he started to kiss me but then he said he was cold. It was dark so I turned on a lamp to see about looking around for a blanket. I saw that he was pale and his lips were blue. I ran out of the bedroom hysterical. The party had lots of people from where I worked. Well the pizza place had lots of med students work there because the tips were really good as waiters and the hours were really flexible for them. So three of the guys there came in to see Brian and they were talking to him and did some thing I can’t remember everything, as I was so drunk and upset. Anyway, I could not/would not calm down….one of them men, Don, took me by the arm very roughly and directed me out of the house. I tried to turn away, get away and go back. He said, “No you need to calm down.” I was even more hysterical outside so he slapped me then grabbed me by the hair – tilting my head up so I was looking at him. He said, “You will stop crying right now.” His tone was calm, clear but strong. Then he let me go for a moment and then took me by the arm again – bringing me with him. He took me to his car and put me in it. I would start crying and he said, “stop.” He then talked to me about what was going on with Brian and that he would be okay. He was calm, quiet and clear with everything he told me. I remember asking questions and he answered them. He then took me up in his arms and held me close and said “now let it out…cry all you want.” And I did. After I had a good cry, he gave me Kleenex and talked to me so more then walked me back to the party. And by that time Brian was looking better..don't know what they did or if I just was having a moment of where he looked worse then he was really. Anyway, I turned around to thank Don but he was gone.

I did thank him at work though. And he just brushed it off like it was nothing. So we did not really interact much again. We would say hi at work. If there was a party, we would do some small talk, but not much more then that. I then turned 18. Two days after my 18th birthday – he came up to me at work and my world changed from that moment.

More to come...in Part 3 continued....

History Part 2

First a WARNING....this could be triggery for those with sexual abuse in their past so please don't read if you think you will have a hard time reading about something of this nature.



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So I am an odd duck...I did the teens first and now I am doing my childhood...and the next posts will be about my first significant M/s relationship. This post was hard to write. I started this post several times this past weekend and it never has come out quite right. I don’t think I have ever said it here - if I have it has been a walk around it as it is not something I discuss very often. Because to me it is dealt with and where it needs to be – in the past. So here it goes…my Uncle sexually molested me from the ages of 4 to 8. I have had many a people tell me that is the reason that I am kinky. But in fact I believe they are wrong because I think I am just wired this way…born this way.

I remember even before it started with him -- being a very sexually precocious child. I would watch my parents having sex and think it looked interesting and I wanted to do it too. I would touch myself and rub my self against things that felt good. I remember once at my Grandmother’s taking a rope that I knotted - I took and pulled it between my legs so that to knot kept rubbing over my clit. I remember that it felt good. I remember going out in this old school house that my Grandparents had on their farm property and tying my legs to the chair as rocked back and forth on this rounded piece of metal I put between my legs. So I think the kinky part of me was there before those things happened with my Uncle. I also know the submissive part of me was there…I wanted to please and help always. I always deferred to those that had authority over me and wanted to please them.

I do think that some things that I did – were because of what happened with my Uncle – such as being more sexually active at a young age - linking attractiveness with sex -- not usually experiencing intimacy during sex but just feeling the animalistic side of sex. I think those things were brought on more frequently or quicker then they would have been if I had not been through what I had with him. But the being submissive and being kinky well as I said I think I am just wired that way.

I know that when it first started, I disassociated and just pretended it didn’t happen. But somewhere along the way I became obsessed with sexuality - sex….to the point of seducing my babysitter at the age of 8. It was very confusing...feeling what my Uncle did and not knowing what to do, or if the feelings I had were okay or wrong. If the things he said were okay or wrong. When it first started, I was spending lots of time with my Aunt and Uncle because my Mom was having problems with her pregnancy of one of my sisters. I kind of made the rounds between both sets of Grandparents and 2 sets of Aunts and Uncles. Eventually over the years, as I said I became obsessed with sex so I kept touching, I kept silent to what he was doing. I know that I started to believe the things he said to me. I know that I started to enjoy some of the things he did to me but it still did not make it right. I was a child who did not know saying no to him was okay. I didn’t know that the things he said weren’t true as he was an adult and I was suppose to listen to him. I think even bigger issue in my child mind was…that my parents would have known he was not a good person and so if they think this is okay then it must be. That is what I thought. So I was very confused.

Somewhere along the way I figured out what he was doing was not “normal” and I started to believe some of the things he told such as I was not like other little girls…that I was a big girl who knew how to make him feel good. It started to make me not feel good about me. I wanted to be like everyone else. It was not until after my Uncle moved away -- that things started to even out again or at least I could pretend things were okay and repress the “bad” things that happened. I became a “normal” little girl. I had moments were it still peeked up but eventually I suppressed it and was what I thought was “normal.” I had lots of friends and enjoyed my time with them doing things girls do – we had slumber parties at each other’s houses. There were a core group of us. I can still remember all their names – I find that interesting as other significant chunks of my life are missing but I still recall all the little girls that I had as friends. So I packed away what he did and…acted like them…”normal.”

That part of me…that broken little girl who was sexual was buried. Really from about 9 to 16, I was naïve and innocent again. I didn’t talk about sex and blushed if anyone did. I acted like I knew nothing and in a way, I didn’t as I “forgotten” so much of what had happened when I packed it away.

It wasn’t until I started dating Jeff – that part of me that was sexual awoke and started to come out again. And the kinky part was brought out with it. The submissive part was always there – no matter what. I always wanted to please, serve, help, and be a good girl. And I thought sex and kinky things were okay because it was what we both enjoyed. I guess part of me thinks it is weird that this little girl that was broken could come out thinking sex was fun, enjoyable and exciting.

Not sure what else to write about this time in my life. As I said it strange to me that some memories are so strong and others I know are there but I can’t access. It is of course something that is hard to talk about – but I also have dealt with a lot of it so it does not cut as deep now.

History: Part 1 continued...again

Here are the last few little stories about Brian…that I was recalling the other night as I went to bed. Just wanted to capture them. Just a few moments from our relationship. Next part tomorrow will go back to childhood.

Poker Night
The guys often had a poker night. They would play poker, drink and have a small gathering for it. They had 3 tables set up in the apartment. I would sit on the floor next to Brian during them – jumping to get him another beer or any of the guys there at the table, getting a bowl of chips or popcorn and putting in new music for Brian and so on.

During one of the games there was this guy there that worked for a local radio station. He mentioned that he often got free tickets to concerts. I can’t remember who it was that was coming in concert now but I remember wanting to go. This guy was talking about that he was going to a bunch of summer concerts. As he went through the summer line up that he was going to, he mentioned such and such artist I screamed. I can't remember who it was now but obviously someone I liked. Maybe Depeche Mode because I remember listening to them lots that summer. Brian looked at me – like “OKAY!” So this guy was talking how that for that concert he had backstage tickets and was going to a party after the concert too. He flirted with me. I remember noticing it was very overt and I was confused why he was doing that with Brian right there. Eventually the guy said, "you want to go?" I said, "really?" He said, "yes if you do something for me." I inquired what he would want me to do. He basically wanted to know what I was willing to do for the concert tickets. I looked at Brian and he said, "this is your deal." I didn’t know what to say or do. I was completely flustered, but tried to just flirt and say "he couldn’t handle me"….or something along those lines. I remember being utterly embarrassed that this guy was so overt in front of Brian and a room full of guys…I was the only girl in the room.

I remember the conversation in private after -- asking Brian why he did not say anything to this guy. He basically told me he thought I might want to make the deal and go to the concert. He said it so just matter of fact - like me going and making a deal to have sex or whatever with someone else was so everyday. By the way this was getting towards the end of our relationship. I asked him if he would have been upset or jealous if I had made a deal and he said yes right away. I then pointed out to him he should have said something to me and/or the guy. He said, "you are not mine." It hurt...it stung. I turned away and let some tears out where he could not see.

Talking to Animation
We were going to an arcade type place that had video games, arcade games, a roller rink, and lots of fast food. I was to pick Brian up - we were meeting Dee, her boyfriend and a few other friends at the arcade. Brian came out of the apartment with a blonde girl and 1 guy. Interesting that I can still remember what she looks like but I have no idea what the guy looked like. Anyway, Brian was flirting with the girl. He said he was riding with them. I was irritated, as I could have just gone to the arcade instead of all the way to his apartment. Plus I hated that he wanted to go with her instead of me…his girlfriend. We got to the place and he was laughing a lot – and the tone and manner I knew he was flying really high and so was she. By this point in our relationship he knew not to even try to say do you want some because of all the bad times associated with him getting strung out -- I said no even to pot.

So we get to the arcade and he is still flirting and touching her lots. Finally he became interested in me again and drags me to go play a game. We are playing 2 person. It is his turn and he starts talking to the game…but he keeps looking to the side of the game like someone is standing there. I said, "Brian who are you talking to?" And he said a name…it was the name of the character in the game (can’t remember which game it was at this time). He thought the character was standing next to the game cheering him on.

I lost it. I told him I was leaving and to go home with the blonde - "...to fuck her and get stoned because obviously those things were more fun to him." His reply was a laugh and then, "okay." I heard that he slept with her but I never had the nerve to ask him. And I am sure I didn't want to ask as the truth would hurt more then the lie at that moment.

The night we broke up basically…
We went to a party the 4 of us – Dee, her boyfriend and Brian and I. But he kept acting very distant…he did not hold hands - he did not even kiss me when they picked me up. He just sat in the car being distant – when I asked him about it and said he had been like that a lot lately he rolled his eyes at me and looked away.

So we get to this party. It was huge…lots of people there – it was the end of the summer back to school party. So lots of drinking & dancing…it is summer to lots of skimpy clothes and bodies pressed together. So, I am trying not to dwell on Brian and just mingling, dancing and drinking. While dancing I look up and see someone watching me....it was Jeff…my first real boyfriend that I wrote about in a previous post. He looked so HOT! And I looked really good that night too. And he told me so over and over again -- how hot I looked. He was starring at me with hunger. So it is hot in the house with all those people -- we went outside to talk and catch up. Brian came outside looked at me and walked in back inside. I told Jeff I needed to go find Brian…and so we said goodbyes. I went to find Brian and said that I was only talking with Jeff. He said, "yeah right." I went on to tell him I never cheated on him. (I had caught him making out with a girl at a party when he was drugged out plus had heard he had been with other girls at parties that I couldn’t go to - so thought it was kind of ironic he was upset thinking i was cheating when he was the one that did). Before Brian, when I got involved with someone -- I made sure that the guys knew I would not be exclusive to them…that I liked my freedom to date… but with Brian…well I loved him and felt when you loved someone you could only be with them (now learned differently but I did not know that then). He said something like yeah right again -- and went on to tell me that my friend Dee told him I never was faithful to one guy. I said I never was faithful because I had never loved anyone but that I loved him. The kiss of death…I said the L word. We had more words he stomped off and a little later I saw him flirting with a girl and just as I saw that Jeff walked up to me to see if I was okay. I turned to him and burst into tears….he ushered me out and let me cry…held me and such. He then of course took advantage of the situation and kissed me….I stopped him for a moment and then internally I said fuck Brian thinks I have cheated then I might as well…and kissed him back. We went to his car…I gave him a blowjob. After, we were walking back to the party and I see Brian…he is walking towards Jeff and yelling…I can’t understand what he is saying…at this point I am pretty trashed. Brian rushes Jeff and starts hitting him….they fight…I try to break it up but Brian ends up hitting me accidentally. I fall back…trying to catch myself tumble off the curb…twisting my ankle and scraping up my arm as I fell into the gravel road. Finally Dee’s boyfriend stops Brian and Jeff’s friends stop him. Brian comes over to me to say he is sorry but all I can think of him hitting me….and I push him away. So he leaves….he in one car in me another. That was it…we never talked about it. We stopped dating. When I finally tried to talk about it he just said no that it was over and no need to go over it.

It was really hard for me to get over him. We remained friends for a while. I saw him at school - had classes with him and more so I ended up picking him up and driving him home after school - he had moved back in with his mom and so only lived a few blocks from me. We lost contact when I left to go to college. I have heard some bits and pieces about him over the years as my ex-husband's Mom is friends with Brian's Mom. I heard he got sober and clean, started a lawn business, had kids and got married. Every once in a while I get the urge to talk to him and make sure he is happy because he was often very sad and unsure of his place in the world. I also want to know if he has kept with his art as he was very talented.

Okay next piece will go back to my childhood....just a little bit though as I don't remember as much about my childhood as I do other points in my life.

History: Part 1 continued...

Here are some little stories about Brian…that I was recalling the other night as I went to bed….and thought I would capture. Just a few moments from our relationship. So part 1 has been continued and will be again I am sure. So this will be on going history that might be added to or just one part.

The first night I met Brian…
I met Brian the last day of school my junior year in High School. There were lots of parties set up for that night. One of my friends was dating this guy whose best friend was Brian. My friend, Dee, told me that her and her boyfriend were going to such and such party and to meet them there. So, I went with some friends there to meet her. When I got there, she introduced me to Brian. I had known of him because he lived in the same neighborhood. We actually had the same address but different street number. Anyway, I mentioned something about that and then he “acted” liked he knew that. I know he had no clue who the heck I was…he was one year older then I and so we did not have any classes the same. He did not graduate though with his senior class -- he was in drug rehab most of the year so missed school. Although he did not mention that was why he missed school at that time – just that he had and so not graduating with his class was trying to decide if he should get his GED or come back next year and graduate with my class.

My friend mentioned to me that he was an artist and so it began…we talked art. It was a wonderful conversation that we were so absorbed in the conversation that we did not pay attention to anyone else in the room. Dee and her boyfriend were leaving the party so came to get Brian to go as he rode with them – they were going somewhere more private. He asked me if I would come with…so I found the friends I had arrived at the party with and told them I was leaving.

We went to a park…it had one of those jungle gyms that were made out of wood and had different platforms leading to various things to do. We climbed to the highest platform -- laid on it looking at the stars. He held my hand at first talking and then we started kissing underneath the starry night.

It is so odd to me how after all these years – 20 years – I still remember it clearly.

An afternoon with paint….
I came over to his apartment (he lived with Dee’s boyfriend, her boyfriend’s brother) -- he was painting. It was summer time and very hot in his apartment so he was down to boxers. He had paint on himself. I remember telling him how sexy he looked…so somehow eventually I ended up with my clothes off and he was painting on me. And then I was painting on him. We ended in bed rolling around on each other…the paint smearing against our bodies….and we had passionate sex. The kind where you touch everywhere and every touch feels electrified. It was intense and sexy!

When my Grandfather died…
I went to him crying. He comforted me. I think he was confused and hurt for me….he did not know what to do – so he started to kiss me. He then said he was sorry that it was not the right time and I said, “shhh” and kissed him. He made love to me…I remember it…so clearly. It was so tender and loving that I cried. We didn’t say anything we just touched, looking into each other’s eyes while we made love. I felt so cared for…so loved. He held me for a long time after – comforting me….loving me.

Part 1 Continuing....next post.

History Part 1

How did you get started in BDSM and M/s type of relationships?

I think this is just going to require to tell the history of me....well at least some highlights of it. But because I can't do things normally....this first post will be followed by one from my childhood and then the third will take up where I leave this one off. So in this post I am going skim past childhood and go straight to teens.

As young girl I day dreamed of the man that would come take me away and keep me as his. Those were the words that were in my head - "keep me as his." It varied from being kidnapped to just finding someone and falling in love. It was at times hard and rough and other times soft and tender.

My first real boyfriend when I was 16, Jeff, and I started off with some D/s and SM -- I tried to please him even though I did not realize that was what I was doing. And then he and I were playful when we made-out. He spanked me a few times and I got very wet and turned on. He noticed. When it came time for us to have sex -- first time I had (consensual) sex -- he asked me if he could handcuff me to his bed and I nodded yes. And after that our sex included me being tied up, handcuffed and usually spanking or some type of resistant play was involved.

It actually did not occur to me that everyone else was not doing what were doing. That probably sounds very strange. After we broke up, I dated others and each time the sex seemed different to me. But it still did not occur to me what we had done, was "out of the norm." I just thought sex was exciting and something to explore with your partner so it would be different with each partner. Something that remained constant though was my mindset to please. In the sexual arena of my life that desire to please was even more for me. I wanted to please and make sure who I was received a lot of pleasure...so I would figure out what they liked, how they liked and do it that way. I did not keep it the same I tried to bring them further in their pleasure. At some point in my dating -- I became good at pleasuring. Sounds egotistical and I guess it is but I remember I gained lots of confidence in myself by becoming good at sexual pleasure. Right around the same time is when boys started to "notice" me more obviously at least. I think because I became so sexually active and confident that I kind of exuded sexuality and so I attracted more boys. The boys I dated were usually boys that were a grade ahead of me or in college and never went to my school. I lived in a big city so there were lots of high schools and a couple of colleges in the city. I found it easier to date them then boys at my school. So that went on for a while -- me exploring my sexuality through different boys. I always liked them but I knew I did not love them. I knew it was crushes, lust and well sex.

The summer before my senior year in high school, I fell in love...

Brian was an artist like myself. He loved music. He had incredible eyes that my Mom even commented on. But he did drugs. He did so many drugs that he actually saved me -- from ever wanting to touch them. I saw him turn blue a few times. (Which actually one time turned into me meeting the man that first enslaved me -- to be explained in another post.) But when Brian was semi-sober and not so high...it was really really good -- of course.

Because I loved him the sex was different yet again. I suppose you could say it was the first time I made love instead of fucking or having sex. He did some rough sex but at the same time it felt different...it always very tender and loving too. Like we were touching in places you can't see...emotionally touching. He would touch me and the world would melt away like we were the only two in it. He would look at me as he made love to me...really look at me...not close his eyes...not look around but look into my eyes...so deeply it felt like it was the first time someone really cared about me and what was going on with me during sex.

Because of the drug addiction --- he had problems compounding on top of each other. (Such as being kicked out of his Mom's and also his Dad's). We ended up splitting up because I felt like we were slipping away from each other and I did something stupid but really I know his drug problem would have split us up eventually. I can see looking back he would not have ever been into D/s or M/s. He would have enjoyed some kink now and then but not the dynamic I desire 24/7. He would have wanted things equal. Or maybe for the woman to have more power and control. Maybe.

The reason I fell in love with him was because of his passion and talent for art...we would talk about art and music, as he was very inspired by music for hours upon hours he would just listen to it. I loved the way he looked at me...probably a silly reason to fall in love with someone but he made me feel real..and special. I will always remember how he looked at me.

Brian was not someone I normally would have dated on many levels -- including he went to the same high school as I did, so I saw him lots. Which made it almost harder to get over him. I was sad and heartbroken. I did not want to get serious about anyone again. I had a few one-night stands but nothing serious.

End of this section...More later!

Life Update

Really life has been kind of just everyday....

Sick/Hurt...Better though

Master has been working hard. I was sick, then I start getting better, and get a sunburn that was pretty bad. Next, I decided to rearrange the Master bedroom closet and hurt myself. I was lifting boxes and suitcase up and down from high shelves...and proceeded to hurt my back. I had several days of not being able to do much of anything. Thank goodness it is feeling so much better.

Do you ever wonder why these things hit all at once? I will go without something for weeks/months....and then all of sudden IT hits. I will have 3 different things going on at once -- it is very frustrating!

ATC's & Art

I entered an artist trading card show...that is actually going to be in Columbus, Ohio. I wish I could see it when they have them all up!

Here are the ones that I entered....
Unexpected Discoveries
Dreamed of the Spectacular
Torn and Blue
Orange Postage
Warmer

I also gifted some atc's today (mailing some out tomorrow) to several people. I have a few bigger pieces started and then some altered CD's that I have been meaning to finish up. I feel like that creative well is spilling up and over in so many areas right now....which of course is not a bad thing. I just don't have enough hours in the day!

Tomorrow I need to clean my work room as it looks like a tornado hit it. When I get in a really creative surge, I just pull things out and use them or try lots of different things and then all of the bits and pieces are left about. Usually after I am done working on something or taking break from it...I am moving to housework, making dinner or something like that so cleaning the work room takes lower priority.

Past/History

I have been thinking about my past a lot lately -- I think that has to do with the fact that like annissa, I am doing a history...ours were probably spawned for the same reason. Anyway, by thinking of it a lot I have closed some doors on some things that have been hanging out there a while. I have also reminisced over some very good memories. I hope to post my history in a few days.

Movies

We are really enjoying netflix.com. I really liked Firefly! I would like to watch it again someday...maybe get it eventually as it was very good. And I can't wait for the movie! We also watched Caligula recently. I have never seen it all the way through. It was well....very interesting. I can't even believe it got made and distributed. Eddie Izzard: Glorious is next! I really really like Eddie Izzard and never seen whole acts/DVD just little pieces here and there...so I can't wait to watch it!

Dinner

Okay so tonight for dinner we had a meal we don't have often as it is not as healthy as we would like it to be....grilled chicken breasts (marinated in balsamic vinegar, olive oil mixture with herbs and such), garlic mashed potatoes (added an egg to them - beat - then piped on to a cookie sheet and baked 15 to get a little toasty on the outside), corn on the cob (been craving it a lot lately). It tasted so good to just have indulgence food! We don't eat potatoes that often or corn...so it was a nice treat! Tomorrow night will have to be something more healthy!

Buffy Moment

I am watching Buffy - The first season.

I love these lines of the dialog...

Giles comes in giving Jenny an earring she lost in the library they have a conversation about books. Giles is talking about how books give knowledge that computers can't and...

Jenny: Well you really are an old-fashioned boy aren't ya?
Giles: Well, I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear.
Jenny: That's not where I dangle it.

I love those moments! I love the look on Gile's face.