How did you get started in BDSM and M/s type of relationships? I think this is just going to require to tell the history of me....well at least some highlights of it. But because I can't do things normally....this first post will be followed by one from my childhood and then the third will take up where I leave this one off. So in this post I am going skim past childhood and go straight to teens.
As young girl I day dreamed of the man that would come take me away and keep me as his. Those were the words that were in my head - "keep me as his." It varied from being kidnapped to just finding someone and falling in love. It was at times hard and rough and other times soft and tender.
My first real boyfriend when I was 16, Jeff, and I started off with some D/s and SM -- I tried to please him even though I did not realize that was what I was doing. And then he and I were playful when we made-out. He spanked me a few times and I got very wet and turned on. He noticed. When it came time for us to have sex -- first time I had (consensual) sex -- he asked me if he could handcuff me to his bed and I nodded yes. And after that our sex included me being tied up, handcuffed and usually spanking or some type of resistant play was involved.
It actually did not occur to me that everyone else was not doing what were doing. That probably sounds very strange. After we broke up, I dated others and each time the sex seemed different to me. But it still did not occur to me what we had done, was "out of the norm." I just thought sex was exciting and something to explore with your partner so it would be different with each partner. Something that remained constant though was my mindset to please. In the sexual arena of my life that desire to please was even more for me. I wanted to please and make sure who I was received a lot of pleasure...so I would figure out what they liked, how they liked and do it that way. I did not keep it the same I tried to bring them further in their pleasure. At some point in my dating -- I became good at pleasuring. Sounds egotistical and I guess it is but I remember I gained lots of confidence in myself by becoming good at sexual pleasure. Right around the same time is when boys started to "notice" me more obviously at least. I think because I became so sexually active and confident that I kind of exuded sexuality and so I attracted more boys. The boys I dated were usually boys that were a grade ahead of me or in college and never went to my school. I lived in a big city so there were lots of high schools and a couple of colleges in the city. I found it easier to date them then boys at my school. So that went on for a while -- me exploring my sexuality through different boys. I always liked them but I knew I did not love them. I knew it was crushes, lust and well sex.
The summer before my senior year in high school, I fell in love...
Brian was an artist like myself. He loved music. He had incredible eyes that my Mom even commented on. But he did drugs. He did so many drugs that he actually saved me -- from ever wanting to touch them. I saw him turn blue a few times. (Which actually one time turned into me meeting the man that first enslaved me -- to be explained in another post.) But when Brian was semi-sober and not so high...it was really really good -- of course.
Because I loved him the sex was different yet again. I suppose you could say it was the first time I made love instead of fucking or having sex. He did some rough sex but at the same time it felt different...it always very tender and loving too. Like we were touching in places you can't see...emotionally touching. He would touch me and the world would melt away like we were the only two in it. He would look at me as he made love to me...really look at me...not close his eyes...not look around but look into my eyes...so deeply it felt like it was the first time someone really cared about me and what was going on with me during sex.
Because of the drug addiction --- he had problems compounding on top of each other. (Such as being kicked out of his Mom's and also his Dad's). We ended up splitting up because I felt like we were slipping away from each other and I did something stupid but really I know his drug problem would have split us up eventually. I can see looking back he would not have ever been into D/s or M/s. He would have enjoyed some kink now and then but not the dynamic I desire 24/7. He would have wanted things equal. Or maybe for the woman to have more power and control. Maybe.
The reason I fell in love with him was because of his passion and talent for art...we would talk about art and music, as he was very inspired by music for hours upon hours he would just listen to it. I loved the way he looked at me...probably a silly reason to fall in love with someone but he made me feel real..and special. I will always remember how he looked at me.
Brian was not someone I normally would have dated on many levels -- including he went to the same high school as I did, so I saw him lots. Which made it almost harder to get over him. I was sad and heartbroken. I did not want to get serious about anyone again. I had a few one-night stands but nothing serious.
End of this section...More later!
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