When is M/s right for you?

When I was 16, I was involved with a boy who tied me up and spanked me. We eventually had sex.  But I was kinky. I didn't know there was a word for it though until much later. I was 27 when I discovered words for who I was and what I liked. It was probably close to a year after that I actually got the nerve to go into Barnes and Noble and order Different Loving which had only been published a couple years prior (before the days of ordering things online as Amazon wasn't around). I was with my husband at the time and trying to get him to be okay with naming the relationship I felt we had before I knew there were words for it.  When I came to the section on 24/7 in Different Loving, I knew I wanted to be a slave.  I don't recall anything that was said, but I still remember how I felt. I knew reading it that I wanted to belong to someone 24/7 and be a slave. 

After my marriage ended, I knew I was going to seek a M/s dynamic. I bottomed and did a D/s relationship for a bit, but never felt totally fulfilled. I am glad I played and explored before jumping into M/s. Not everyone is going to want M/s...I get that.  I also get that not everyone wants to be a bottom or do a D/s relationship.  These are not  the only options in kink world for relationships. I am saying, by exploring, I could gain life experience, self-awareness, and also find out what elements I wanted and needed from a kinky relationship. I am thankful I explored first to figure things out before jumping into a M/s relationship as it helped me identify what elements I wanted in a relationship - period - M/s, Top/bottom, D/s, Owner/puppy - or whatever type of relationship desired.

Why am I writing all this... What is my point..... Well... I was asked recently if I felt it was okay to jump straight into a M/s dynamic when new to BDSM and my answer was no. But I realized I didn't explain why.  I think a person needs to have self-awareness, a good realistic view of M/s and life experience to know if it is really the best path. But only YOU can decide that.  Only the person wanting to walk this path can know if it is right for them.


I have been around people who were young in age, but had life experience and amazing levels of self-awareness and if they asked me if what I thought about them getting into M/s - I would probably say, "go for it."  I have known people in their 40's who lacked self-awareness and life experience and might tell them that maybe taking some times to really get to know themselves might be better before jumping into M/s. I have a very close friend in her late 30's recently ask me what I thought about her pursuing a M/s relationship although she is new-ish to BDSM and I told her I could see the slave in her and understand why she wants/needs it as her path. I think she knows enough about what she wants and needs in a relationship to know if M/s was right for her.  She was going to do it without my validation, but sometimes just hearing it helps that knowing inside shine brighter.

Although it might feel right and shine bright inside - there are still times you might question. You still might go is this really right for me even if most of the time it feels so right. You question because you are fighting against messages we have been told all our life - we question because it feels so different to actually be doing the thing we want as we often think it is not possible to have what we want - and we question because it is just our internal workings nature to question.  It is okay to want M/s and it is okay to go after it and it is okay to question.  

Just know M/s doesn't happen over night. Relationships build out of compatibilities. It takes time, energy, communication, and investment in each other to grow into it. But again the only person contemplating it can decide and know if they are ready and want to try.    

Break Ups

First Master and I are good.  I will say that again Master and I are good. We are not breaking up. We have been together for 10 years - through good and bad and each year strengthens our relationship. But breaking up is a part of  almost everyone's lives. Most of us go through it at least one point in our lives.  It took many tries of finding that one before Master claimed me as his. It takes a lot of time and energy to find the one and even more time when poly and looking.  The end of May Master and I ended our relationship with teacup. It has been extremely hard on each of us. Master and I have been there to help teacup in processing just as she has been here for us too.

I know the Dominants I have been with have felt it their responsibility to be there for the submissive because the dynamic ending impacts so many parts of daily life. I know in my past relationships it helped me to have the Dominants support me while I processed and healed my heart.  I am thankful for having such caring and kind men in my life. 

My first dominant after my marriage was a long distance relationship. He broke things off with me because he knew I wanted M/s and he didn't and he also was wanting someone closer in distance to him. I am lucky he was a really nice gentleman as he kept in contact with me for a long time after our break up. Because he had been my dominant and had control over my life one day and then the next didn't so he didn't want me to feel completely abandoned. He helped me process and work through the grief of the break up. Eventually we lost touch with each of us moving.  But I am ever grateful for the contact he had in those months after the breakup.
 
My breakup with Kam was extremely hard because it wasn't a true breakup. We ended the M/s, but continued the Daddy/little girl and went to being boyfriend/girlfriend and still lived together.  It was hard because I had been enslaved so serving him all day every day for almost 3 years and then we changed that so it was hard not to just naturally do the things I had been doing - such as getting him a drink and the other acts of service that were my daily life. I did do some as his girlfriend and little girl, but it was hard to figure out the line and boundaries. He was very kind and supportive of me trying to process the end of the M/s. 

Maintaining a connection even as friends/family I think is important after ending a D/s or M/s relationship.   The dynamic can be difficult to move on from because our worlds become so intertwined with these kind of relationships. When that dynamic ends, it can leave each party feeling lost, confused, and alone. So reaching out to one another to ensure each person is processing and moving forward safely - is just a good thing to do.  The people involved come to each other knowing each person is hurting, processing and dealing with grief differently, but not abandoning each other.
 
For some people it might be easier or just part of their personal coping from grief to not have that other person around. In the end you need to do what is best for you, but communicate that so the other knows to seek support elsewhere. 

When D/s protocols have been such a big part of each persons life, it can be hard to navigate the world without it in place. We each had responsibilities in the dynamic and just because the dynamic ends doesn't mean the connection stops. Be kind to yourself and each other.

New to FetLife?

Are you thinking of joining FetLife?  A little nervous and curious what you will find?  What to know some tips on helping your experience be more positive on FetLife?

FetLife is like Facebook for kinky people.  It isn't geared towards finding a dominant, submissive or just sex partner - it's not a meat market. But I will say by participating you might find someone that captures your interest so it isn't out of the possibility to find a kinky partner. 

So tips:

• Fill out your profile. -  Be honest, be yourself, be open, but no need to overshare or spill out your whole life's history on it.  If you feel your profile is going too long. Make it a writing and link to it in your profile. (FAQ on how to link and other FetLife formating codes)
• Upload a photo.  Men having just dick shots won't make people flock to you. Make sure you have other photos uploaded please. I have to say the same for women - just tits and pussy shots don't do anything to help you find someone.  
• Fetishes - Having a huge list of fetishes makes it harder to scroll through your profile. I suggest not listing every single one and listing those that are the most important and you feel define the type of dynamic you are in or seek.

This is a social media platform so join groups, share photos and writings, comment, and jump in to get know people and make friends. I really wouldn't suggest one group over another as it really goes to what groups match your interests best.  Such as if you are new to the kinky world - then Novices and Newbies might be good for you. Interested in Poly and Kinky?  Or are you Kinky and Geeky?  A submissive woman?  My suggestion is look at the groups your friends like. You can browse them on their profiles. I have friends with similar interests so have found good groups by finding groups my friends are a part of too.
 
By participating in groups, posting blogs, commenting and just generally interacting with others on this type of internet platform - you will get people voicing all sorts of views - often in disagreement with your own. It is a public forum made for everyone to share opinions, thoughts, beliefs and silly stuff. So don't take anything too personally and view it as learning experience instead of an attack. We all want to be heard and connect with people and this type of platform can give us that - just not always in ways we expect.

Last bit of advice - Think before posting and be true to you.

Service to Enhance His Life

I think a pitfall of  D/s and M/s relationships is thinking that you have to do x,y, z to actually be "doing it right."  But really there is no right way to do a D/s or M/s relationship.  Do what works for you.  Do what fits in your relationship naturally.  Finding protocols, rules or service can only be figured out by the people in the dynamic because you live your lives day in and day out.  It doesn't need to be complicated.  You don't need page after page of rules or protocols.  Start small and simple and build on it.

It is easy to take things people say they do and make them work for you.  A protocol I have read is about the submissive walking on the right side and one step behind the dominant. Now why people do that - I am not so sure.  But we have taken that rule and made it into a practical service I do for Master. He has me walk on his right side because he is hard of hearing and that is the side of his good ear. So I walk on the right side so he can hear me. He didn't create this rule because it is what "slaves should do" - he created it because it makes his life easier. So figure out how to make rules, protocol and service that enhances daily life.  


Here are some examples of service that I do in my dynamic that might help spark ideas for your dynamic...

• Chauffeur/Driver - I do drive Master very occasionally
• Domestic Service - I clean, do laundry and cook
• Secretary - I take notes for his business, do filing, manage household bills, sort mail, shred paper work and so on
• Personal care - give him massages, cut his toenails, give manicures, trim eye brows/pluck eye brows, trim his goatee, shave him, at times I will wash him and/or wash his hair, make sure he takes all his meds and vitamins daily, set out his clothes, take care of his clothes - such as buttons replaced, hems falling, boot-black/polish shoes, pack if we are traveling
• Yard Work
• General Catch-All - such as general household repairs - such as the sprayer on the sink wasn't working and so I replaced it or maybe Master needs something I can't do then I research or handle parts of it - if not all of it - such as we need to get a bush/tree pulled out of our backyard then I will be calling around to get prices and see what the process is like, cleaning the inside of the car, or shopping for gifts or making them if he wishes
• Companion - I often ride with Master even if it is him going into a meeting for an hour and him just wanting me there when he gets out. He likes to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie or playing a game - he enjoys my company and wants me available to be able to relax with him.

I am sure I am forgetting things, but this is just a starter list to get you thinking about areas of service. You also might want to read this post over on our website about the authority Master has over my life.

As always talk. I suggest if you are submissive reading this that before implementing any type of service - talk to your dominant.  See if he/she wants it  - because if he/she doesn't then it isn't really serving them.  To help figure out what areas will make the most sense in your dynamic -make lists of everything that the dominant does everyday for a couple of days to a week and then go through together and see if there are things the submissive can do to help serve the dominant.  Be realistic and practical, but don't forget you can add some spice to things if you both desire mixing the things you fantasize about with real life.

Rule the World

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sneeze on Command

You know he can just get into my head and spin it in many directions that I think up is down. It is so so...well frustrating...because I will be going "huh what just happened" and be completely turned on at the same time. I have said to him before jokingly, "You have brainwashed me to think it is perfectly normal do that to me." He just looks at me like, "Yeah so." 

Really not sure it is brainwashing or mind control, but instead I see it more as forms of conditioning and training me. Not just my training me how he likes his coffee, but to train me to react the way he wishes...even my brain. Okay so maybe I am in denial about it being brainwashing and mind control.


One day I felt a sneeze coming, but it wouldn't. For about 20 minutes (maybe not that long just seemed like a long time to me) I struggled and just wished the freakin sneeze would come out. I said that outloud to Master as we were watching a movie. We sat there a few minutes, he paused the movie, turned to me, and said, "sneeze." I sneezed. My mind is conditioned to obey him so I sneezed when he ordered me to do so.

Could he just tell me to sneeze when I wasn't feeling it coming - I am not sure it would work. But I do know the seeds he plants often flower exactly when he wishes.

Necktie on the Doorknob

Master had a rare appointment this afternoon where he had to wear a tie. I set his clothes out and hung the tie over the closet doorknob.

This is the convo we had as he got dressed:

Him: does the a tie over the doorknob mean you want sex?
me: I always want sex, but technically that tie is on the closet doorknob so not sure that means the same thing.
Him: that means you want to be locked in the closet.
me: mmms yes I think that is it Master.

Yes I love sex and it turns me on, but the thought of being locked in the closet turn me on more. I think I might be kinky.

Edit to add: My first thought that came to me when thinking of being locked in the closet was Master having sex with someone while I was locked in the closet.

Sustainable Service

I am posting (with permission) an essay by my good friend Jouet to our website. It is titled Sustainable Service - here is a quote from it:  

"Because “service equals reverence/gratitude/love” to me in some way that stubbornly defies logic. Above all else, my struggle is because I think he is an amazing rock star and it seems like I cannot give him “enough” in return."

Goodwill Shopping is Good*

Yesterday kaya wrote about shopping at Goodwill over on FetLife. At first I "hearted" the post and then I realized Goodwill was in the title.

See this is Master's fun at Goodwill, but not so much fun for me: He likes it for humiliation. Going and finding clothing that is too small or finding a muumuu or Grandma's housecoat type dress. Then threatening to make me wear it around town.  So, I was like okay Master has already been inspired by kaya once this week,  I really don't need him to be inspired by the Goodwill post she did so I will unlike that post and hopefully he won't see it on his FetLife feed.

Well unfortunately, Master still saw the post.  He causally mentioned Goodwill, but didn't say if we were going. I just kept my mouth shut as we went on our way doing our various stops around town.  One stop was going to look at mascara at a Clinique counter at a local department store.  I found some I liked and the clerk said, "Would you like to participate in Goodwill day?"  I turned red and choked out, "What is Goodwill day?"  All the while inside I was screaming at her for mentioning the evil words Goodwill.  (Goodwill day is where they donate a percent of all purchases to Goodwill.)

Thankfully Master didn't have us go to Goodwill, but it is still floating around in his head. He really doesn't need help with being sadistic and this week I am blaming kaya for being a source of inspiration.

*I was ordered to do that title. Goodwill shopping isn't good!

Restrained Property

On The Slave Register group on FetLife, there was questions about keeping property in restraints. So thought I would write my answer up as a blog post. Adding some more information to it. 

Master and I have been together 10 years. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was stepping off the plane to meet him for the first time.  When I first visited Master, I stayed for a month. In that month, he kept me restrained, locked up, and isolated. It was because....well, both of us get off on that and because he was training me. He was slowing me down and getting me to focus on him.  I lived in Cleveland, Ohio at the time and I was a social butterfly. I had things to do all the time and was just very busy so slowing me down to make me focus on him was exactly what I needed. If I had been brand new to the lifestyle, I am not sure we would have been doing something like this, but really it just depends on the people and what they desire.

My suitcase got locked in the closet and I was stripped naked and cuffed. He would allow access to some items as time went on - such as sexy lingerie so I could dress up for him. Clothes became a privilege he only issued when we were going to go out. He kept me isolated away when I was first arrived so I didn't go out often. At bedtime, one ankle cuff was locked to a chain that was locked to the bed.  He sometimes left me chained to the bed in the morning when he went to work because again he was trying to get me to slow down.  I didn't get much sleep in Ohio, so he was trying to get me to sleep and rest.  The first morning he did that I discovered a problem.  The chain wasn't long enough to go to the toilet in the bathroom. The night before I had put a large plastic cup next to the bed with water.  I took that cup and because I  could just reach the sink with my arms - I emptied it and peed in the cup.  Master loved that I had to piss in a cup.  He almost thought of keeping it that way, but then decided no if I needed to toilet for a bowel movement or throw up - I would need the chain longer so he bought a longer chain.

I cleaned house in the wrist and ankle cuffs - sometimes with a chain between them and sometimes he left the chain off.  At times I was locked away when not serving. I have been locked in a cage to sleep and just kept.  All these things re-enforced my status within his household.  Helped me slow down and focus on him. He became the center of my world and in the type of relationship we wanted and have - M/s and O/p - really that is needed. All those things helped train me to be his slave and property.

Over the years there have been times he has still done those things, but not as long term as that first 30 days.  Some things get harder and harder for me to do because of my health issues also.  So he has to balance if he locks me heavy cuffs to a chore, that might mean I can't move the rest of the day because of pain. 

Being restrained like that does change the way I think and feel though and sometimes just to have those feelings is worth the pain I have on the backside of it. I always feel and know I am Master's property, but  those feelings are heightened with the restraints and locks and such. It also feels more primal because it makes me feel like his object and his captive. It makes me more pliable, demure and submissive.

It does have sexual aspects too it.  It is something that I fantasized about for so long before Master and then it became my reality with him.  But as time went on it really did depend on the situation on if it turned sexual for me. I remember a few times where it just annoyed me and did nothing for me sexually. Other times it felt just very utilitarian, but my body still reacted. And yet other times it was totally sexual even if cleaning or doing mundane tasks.

It can be impractical in general keeping a slave in restraints, but that really is some of the purpose to me to help figure out how to do this task without them getting in the way - such not getting my leather cuffs wet (we have a set that just is used for this purpose so they do get beat up more because of it). But I try hard to not have the o-ring on them bang a glass while loading the dishwasher because it could break it. I have to really focus on my movements and what the things I have on will do with the task at hand. It is difficult to do many tasks and sometimes hurts with chains, locks, cuffs digging in as I do the task. Although it does make me focus on the task sometimes it made me feel good inside being locked up like that and knowing it pleased Master that I do these tasks like that - other times it annoyed me. It is more impractical now because I have some health issues and chains and cuffs hurt more now and doing one thing might have lasting impact for days.

Over all I think having the restraints especially locking ones and being kept naked - really re-enforced my status in his house. I think it was the perfect thing to do - to train me to focus on him and my service. It made those internal workings really know I am his slave and property - he owns me and I have to obey him.

His Authority Over My Life

Master does exercise authority over most things in my life. Some of them are things he told or trained me to do and expects I will obey and fulfill them without him having to go over it each and every time. Some things he tells me what to do each and every time.

To read about the specifics of that authority and control over my life go to our blog on within Reality: His Authority Over my Life 

For those that read my reply to the Master/slave group - my blog expands on the specifics areas of control.

Happiness From Serving?

Do you believe your happiness can come(in it's entirety) from serving your owner?
I do gain happiness from serving Master, but I gain happiness from many other things and people in my life too. All things and people are in my life with my Owner's permission though so are done through serving him. Such as I am an artist and I create mixed media art works and he encourages this and allows it. By creating art I am serving his wishes and desires. He likes my creative personality as he has similar creative elements in his personality so it meshes well with him.

Do you believe the above view point is healthy?
I don't think it would be a healthy place for me. I know that when I cut art out of my life - I feel unbalanced. I need a creative outlet to be fulfilled just as I need to serve and be owned to feel fulfilled.

What role does being owned play in your personal happiness?
I know that if I were in a relationship that had equal footing, it would make me feel off and uncomfortable. Being owned does provide happiness to me as I feel more myself. It fulfills many elements of my personality.

Does your owner encourage you to rely on (him/her) for your happiness, completely?
No, he doesn't. He likes that I have many interests such as creative elements in my life and that they bring me happiness.  He encourages me to pursue things that make me feel good and happy.

Ultimatums

I am doing a repost from an extremely old post.  So some background at the time I had several play partners/fuck buddies, 2 girlfriends and Nick, who was someone I  was involved with online that I hoped would eventually be an offline 24/7 D/s relationship. Obviously it didn't work out (thankfully) - as I am with Master and have been for 10 years. 

From December 7, 2001:

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the phone and she told me she talked to someone I was involved with. Anyway, his version of how things broke up was TOTALLY different from mine. And that bothered me a lot.

So I asked him if he would call me. He called. I told him what my friend said and how that was not what happened. I said, "I did not give you a choice. I just did it - broke it off." I told him I was hurt and that I did not want to be hurt further and so I was breaking it off. He told me what he said to her and it even disturbed me further because he said I gave him an ultimatum. And that he was a Dom and you do not give Dom's ultimatums. How can a person give an ultimatum when I didn't give him a choice?  He lied to me and I broke things off period. I didn't say..."you need to do x,y or z to keep me." That to me is an ultimatum.  Instead I said, "I am ending this, because it isn't the right relationship for me."

This week I was talking to Mistress DM and she said the same thing basically on a different matter. When I was telling her that I  really felt I needed things to keep going forward with Nick or I would probably need to move on and find someone more compatible. She said I was giving Nick an ultimatum. I never gave Nick an ultimatum in my opinion. This is what I asked him - "Where do do you see me fitting in your life and where do you think things are moving/going?"  After asking him those questions, he gave me a reply that gave me the security I was looking for so we are moving forward.

What I do not understand is both the man I was involved in and Mistress DM saying the same thing about an ultimatum. I just am very confused on how  those things are ultimatums.  I asked questions. I didn't say you need to do this in order to keep me - that is an ultimatum to me.

This is another view/example: You have a submissive she has emotionally and mentally needs that she is aware of in herself that she needs met in her relationships. She is responsible for herself in any type of relationship so in order to keep herself in a safe place she needs to have those types of conversations when those needs are not being met. I had that type of conversation with the dominant described at the beginning of this post and with Nick right now.

To me saying I need x,y and z isn't an ultimatum.  It is informing the person you are with where things are - feelings, emotions, even physically. Such as I might be sick and Nick is wanting me to doing some self bondage that might make it hard to run to the toilet and throw up.  To me I need to tell him that I am sick and be transparent. So either Nick can chose to make do the task and risk me getting sicker or he can postpone it. I think this goes to emotional needs. Submissives are human and we have emotional needs too. If I am not getting them met, then I might leave.  I am not saying - meet these needs or I am leaving. I am saying, hey I have these needs - now it is in your hands.  The man that I was involved with lost me, because he lied. I didn't give him an ultimate or a choice. I left knowing he wasn't the right person for me. Other Dominants in the past who I realized weren't meeting my needs, meant to me we weren't compatible so I have ended things with them. 

I don't think that meeting your submissive needs makes you less a dominant. I don't think her expressing her needs for those things is giving an ultimatum.  It is a choice for both people in the relationship. It might be something the submissive feels she can't live without and if the dominant isn't fulfilling that then she can leave to find a more compatible partner. If the dominant, doesn't want to fulfill those needs, he can release her or he can give her those things if it doesn't bother him. It is a choice about doing what you want to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Maybe I am just not seeing something to not get those are ultimatums. It is a relationship - D/s or vanilla it still is a relationship and a relationship takes 2 working together.  I am fully capable of submitting and bending to another's will.  But doesn't mean my needs just fade away.  I still have needs. I am human.


********
August 4, 2013:  I really don't see those things as ultimatums even today.  I just don't get how me deciding that my needs aren't getting met and either ending the relationship or informing my d-type that is giving ultimatums.  Most of my D/s - M/s relationships have required transparency. Example - saying to Master I am feeling overwhelmed is helping him in having control over me.

I think sometimes people see submissives expressing their views, feelings as being forceful and that comes across as ultimatum. But not in my opinion and I know that in my relationship with Master if I didn't keep him informed of what was going on with me - he would feel I was lying too him and not giving him all he needed to have authority over me and control me.

This repost me think of a thread that was posted on FetLife recently on Owners compromising with their slaves. I know for our relationship Master would say he has compromised on some things because of my health - emotional as well as physical.  He has had to give up things he desired because I can't go to certain places without doing damaging to myself - emotionally or physically. 

The example I gave in the thread was about being chained to the bed.  When I was first here with Master, he chained me to the bed every night.  Eventually I started waking up in pain.  It got worse and worse overtime so where my back was out of whack and making it almost impossible for me to serve him.  I told him about being in pain.  I was giving him the information he needed to control me as he does on a daily basis.  In our relationship - hiding that would have been lying to him and that would break down trust.  So Master had a choice - he could either find another solution to work instead of the chain that met his desired needs or stop chaining me to the bed. He made the choice to stop chaining me as the other solutions didn't really fulfill his needs.  He compromised what he desired to make sure I was healthy. 

Again I don't see as I gave Master and ultimatum, but from the repost of the 2001 post, I would say that some might say that I did.  I gave him all the information he needed to control me. 

Fading D/s?

So I have been blogging for almost 13 years. I was doing a back up the other day and realized I have a few posts here. Yes that is said with tongue in cheek - maybe just more than a few as I can be a little verbose at times.  I mean look at year 2002 on the side bar has 420 posts. Anyway, I decided I would go through the archives and find some posts to repost with some added commentary to it at the end a couple times a month.  So here it here is the first one...

From June 29, 2008
Is it unavoidable for the D/s to fade or become sporadic in a long-term D/s relationship?

I think it is a common misunderstanding that the D/s is fading. But to me once you get to know each other and the honeymoon periods ends --- we are actually in the real state of the relationship. And I think we tend to forget to enjoy that state. We just keep thinking back on the honeymoon period and saying why can't it be like that. When in reality, that wasn't the real state of how things would be long term. So D/s isn't fading. The new relationship energy and honeymoon period is fading and real life is left in its place.

The power dynamic we have was set in place is still there. It is there even more to me now. I see myself as slave more now then I did at that time. Because now I feel I serve him more. Those early days he had to have much more focus on me and attention to train me and also just because I was a needy girl. Now he doesn't.

I think sometimes maybe we are more comfortable with the struggles and excitement that happens in the beginning of the relationship then the just everyday-ness that life has to it. It took a while for me to be grateful for the everyday ordinary quality my life has to it - when I was so used to the chaos of my life before Master. And I have learned to appreciate that I am owned, serve an amazing man and get peace from that.


*******
July 31, 2013:  Master and I have been together for 10 years and in that 10 years the base of our relationship - Owner/property dynamic hasn't faded. It has changed of course, but not faded.

Recently someone asked me if we play as much as we did when we were first together.  Truthfully no.  Not sure I think it is because anything faded more so, as I said above, we just have everyday-ness going on.  We tend to go in spurts around how busy Master's business. Such as if we are really busy - we really have hardly anytime to even breath.  But when we have a little down time we play.   I will say sex always includes some play, but when people ask me about play - I guess I think more in terms of scening.

I know our play has grown into a much better place than it was at the beginning -  as our connection just gets better each year we are together.  We played recently and it was beautiful and intense.  It included everything we love from slapping, breath play, spanking, the braided flogger, hoods, punching and several other favorites. We both loved it and it left us energized even now 4 days later.  Also left little moments of lingering SM too.  A look and we both know what each other is thinking about.  Him grabbing my wrist in public and bringing me close - how his fingers feel digging in and again a knowing.  Grabbing my hair when we are laying in bed.  Again those moments to me are amazing.

I guess what I would want someone to know is does it really matter?  If it does - if play is one of your top qualities, you will want  to be in a relationship that it is important.  So be clear about that when looking for a partner. Find someone who wants the same. But I will say - people change.  Master and I thought about play being a big part our relationship in the beginning, but we have changed and I would gladly pass up playing everyday for the connection we have now when we do play it means so much more to me now. 

Titles

I don't call most Dominants Sir or any other title.  Master is the only one that gets the Master title as he owns me...he is my Master. I do have a few close friends that I may call Sir or Ma'am because I feel that with them. It flows out naturally with them, but here is the catch: I have asked everyone of them before calling them a title.

My reasons for not calling D-types by a title...

First by calling someone a title you are having them engage in your kink or fetish without their consent. So if at a party you are calling all dominants Sir and Ma'am without asking you might have violated boundaries and you were acting without their consent. When we are a community that touts consent all the time, seems very odd to me that we would use titles without consent.

Master and I are pretty high protocol in our daily life. But when we are out in the BDSM community, we don't often use it overtly because that would be pushing it on them without their consent.  We don't require that anyone to write Master first before friending me on FetLife, we don't require anyone asking before they give me a hug, and so on - of course it is nice when people do, but we don't require that because that is making someone engage in our kink and we didn't ask for their consent.

Next some people really hate the words Sir and Ma'am. I have a friend that grew up in a military family and she now hates using the words Sir and Ma'am as she was taught to as a kid.  She is dominant and would prefer other titles instead of Sir or Ma'am be used with her, but you would never know that until you ask.

Finally, for me, it feels like you are giving that Dominant the right to control or have authority over you when using a title.  You are submitting to them by calling them by a title. Because it is saying we have a dynamic that shows a D/s relationship by using that title.

I get that some people were raised saying Sir or Ma'am, but to me that is different. It is very rare when I separate BDSM and vanilla lifestyles. In this case, they are different.  A person raised saying Sir and Ma'am - sounds different from using a title in a BDSM setting.

I will say sometimes I get that kink or fetish used in a wider range of people is fun. We can be ourselves within the kinky community, but asking first is polite. Example:  In a past relationship, my Owner wanted to be in a higher form of protocol and to create a mindset of being an object  with me for a play party we were hosting. Part of his wishes he wanted me to Sir and Ma'am all dominants, so he emailed everyone attending and asked if this was okay with them and explained what he wanted to within the evening.  He didn't want others to have to engage in our kink if they weren't comfortable with it.  I had a lot of other protocols for the evening so he explained what he was going to do and how I was going to behave and made sure everyone was okay with it before the party.  It ended up being an extremely interesting evening and I am thankful for those that participated in it with us.  But again we asked first.

BDSM is about consent so please don't think just because you are okay with a kink that someone next to you will be.

I wrote about title and honorifics for a newsletter and our website in 2005. You can read it here: Titles and Honorifics

30 Days of Kink - Day 24

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I am sure I am missing some, but I think these are the biggies. 

Compatibility - in BDSM and kinky things as well as vanilla and everyday qualities such as did we enjoy some of the same hobbies, political beliefs, long term goals, views on religion and so on.  

Self-awareness - someone being self-aware is a good quality to me as it just seems to go smoother in a relationship because a person who is self-aware knows what they want and who they are and are steady and not so drama filled or chaotic with feelings/thoughts.

Chemistry- just everyday chemistry as well as sexual too.  Such as being able to laugh at the same thing, get each others jokes. 

 Honesty -  Being in relationships that haven't been honest,  it was one of the things that was really important to me.  

Sense of Humor -  I like a man that can make me laugh. Master has a great sense of humor. We laugh a lot in our relationship so thankful for that.  

Communication - having open communication and just knowing how to communicate is important to me.  I know some people can get very passive/aggressive in their communication styles and that just doesn't really work well for me so I wanted someone that wanted clear open discussion and communication and thankful Master places communication high on his list of qualities he sought too.

 M/s - O/p beliefs - since this is the kind of dynamic I sought out - I wanted to have someone who had similar beliefs as O/p is the foundation for our relationship
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Service when Sick

I  would like to say I feel my warranty on my body went out in the last few years so Master has seen a drop in my service significantly. I have chronic migraines and have since I was 12 years old so he has seen those since the day I became his. But a few years ago I started having a lot of pain shooting down my back and leg. I have 2 vertebra pinching a nerve, degenerative disc disorder and have arthritis starting too. I also have chronic depression that ranges from mild to severe.

When I was first with Master, I totally felt guilty and apologized all the time. I pushed myself more than I should have at times too. But I do think it does more harm for my mental and emotional well being to get in the mode of thinking - feeling guilty. It keeps me there longer. It brings me down. Also if I push myself to do more, then physically I can stay in pain longer because I pushed myself.

So now I think I try to focus on what I did do - even if it is one thing. A day that I can do some laundry and dishes when my body is full of pain and/or my head is pounding then I am thankful for those things. Thankful I was able to serve him even in that way. Again even if it was just one thing - maybe making dinner is it and I am thankful for that.

I sometimes see the frustration in him that things aren't how he wants.  But at the same time he wants me to take care of me the best way I can. But it is hard not to feel guilty when I do know he is missing things I do for him.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough so then I feel guilty and apologize.  Though in recent years I do get myself out of that line of thinking faster and give myself a kick in the pants and remember to serve in any way I can in that moment...even if it means resting and healing myself.  He would rather have me take care of me and get better faster than prolong it.

A Day in the Life of a Slave

I wrote a piece like this years ago, but I really think it needs to be updated and addressed again.

One day recently....
* made breakfast
* got our meds/vitamins and such
* refilled our daily medicine container
* Master took a shower so I laid out clothes for him
* got things out for dinner and prepped them
* threw a load of clothes in the washer
* worked on a project for Master's business
* took a shower
* made lunch
* switched out laundry
* wiped down the bathroom sink, counter and toilet
* unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
* put the last load of wash in the dryer or hung to dry
* created a to-do list for errands we were running - made sure I had everything on my grocery lists and did a final check of pantry and fridge to make sure anything else I needed to add
* gathered up our packages, grocery sacks and other items needed to run errands
* ran a couple errands with Master - including going to bank, post office and 2 different grocery stores
* put groceries away
* made dinner
* cleaned up dinner dishes, loaded dishwasher and ran it, swept kitchen, wiped counters and stove top down
* finished up a project for Master 
* had some me time - did some art journaling for a couple hours
* unloaded the dishwasher before bed at 1am

I know I am forgetting things - like him asking me to get him a water or snack, picking up clothes on the floor, looking for a bill we needed to do while we were out doing errands.  Just lots of things go on in the day. All these things are normal every day things people do throughout the day.  

A friend asked recently "What makes your life different than your neighbor?" I believe mostly it is his expectations of me and my intention behind everything. When I first became his, he made sure that he told me how he wanted things. I worked to bend to those desires. So now my thoughts are of him all day - what I need to do for Master and how can I enhance his life.

I mean really if it was just me in this house and doing these things - some of them would have been put off until the next day.  But I unloaded the dishwasher at 1AM as I know Master likes a clean sink and there were a few dirty bowls in the sinks so unloaded it and loaded it before bed. I also knew there would be a busy morning the next day so I didn't want those to sit there until the next afternoon as that was the soonest I would have been able to get to them when doing other higher priority things.  Sometimes - it does sit there as I just can't get to everything at times.  

As you will see in this account of a day - there was no BDSM and no sex.  We don't have sex everyday. We don't have kinky play everyday. You don't really even see the control in that account of a day - although there is control there. It is established control where I know what is expected of me and I do it. Meaning you don't see on that schedule every time I  go the bathroom throughout the day  - I have to ask permission. Or that I wait at mealtime until he gives me the go-ahead to eat. Or that I set his clothes out in a certain way because that is what he expects.  Or that I rinse the dishes off almost as though they were washed - before putting in the dishwasher as he prefers that. 

Our lives look very vanilla from the outside, but with the expectations he has, the control he has and my intention behind everything I do - my day is filled with M/s as the foundation. It is there while I unload the dishwasher at 1am.  It is there while I am having me-time - doing art because I know he is allowing it and he can stop it at any moment for me. I know it is there when I do all the household chores throughout the day.  It is just so a part of our lives that it very subtle to the outside viewer.

Different not Deeper

 The lifestyle isn't a continuum with bottom being a starting point and  slave being the end point. We are each different and we all have labels that we use to describe who we are and what type of relationship we are in -  top, bottom, dominant, submissive, daddy, little girl, Sir, pet, kinky, Master, slave and so on and so forth.  An endless supply of labels to apply to ourselves -  each different.

Often in the lifestyle I hear that BDSM relationships are deeper than vanilla relationships. But really I don't believe they are....I don't believe my relationship is deeper than a D/s relationship just because I am M/s. I don't believe we kinky folk are deeper than those in vanilla relationships. What we are - is different.  M/s is different from D/s.  BDSM is different from vanilla. Master and I might do things different than a couple who is D/s because we are M/s, but doesn't mean we are deeper.

Our relationships are deep because of what we put into them.  A relationship can grow into a deep and meaningful one by being compatibility, creating connection, communicating, and knowing oneself -  and none those things have nothing to do with D/s or M/s.

19 Years

Today we met some like-minded people for coffee and we were asked how long we have been in the lifestyle. When the words of how long I have been in the lifestyle came out, honestly I felt old. I have been in the lifestyle a long time now. I  remember when it was 7 years coming out of my mouth in Ohio and it sounded so long. But now....wow I have been enjoying kink since I was 16. I have had elements of kink and D/s in all my intimate relationships since then, but didn't really have a name for it until 1994. In 1994, I found words for what it was and became more active in BDSM. Now it is 2013 so that means I have been doing this for 19 years.  I said 20 today because I was thinking I was 25 or 26 years old, but  I came home and started looking through old journals to figure it out and I was actually 27 years old. 

So in this time, I have spoken at a variety of meetings, groups and events about being a slave.  I have been published by Power Exchange Books.  I have been expressing my thoughts on this blog since 2000. I lived in a large poly household as a slave for several years.  And last, but not least I have been owned by Master for 10 years. Looking at all that....I am not sure how it makes me feel, but I do know I  feel I am always growing and learning even though I have been doing this a long time.  

Many things have changed over the years. But life is about learning and growing to me so I am thankful that I am still here and still thinking, writing, and discussing. Setting goals and moving towards them. Exploring and discovering new ways and new perspectives. I think is it amazing to have had the opportunity to do so much, see so much, experience so much and still keep seeing and learning. I hope that part of me never dies.