Thursday, December 26, 2013

Peeking Little Girl


A couple months ago, Master bought me some double chocolate malt balls.  I really am not sure why I had a craving for them as it is just not something that I crave ever, but I did.  When I popped one in my mouth and bit down, I had a strong memory flood to the surface. I didn't think about it until I tasted them and surprised I didn't have it come back when I started getting the craving.  But it took a bite to remember that I used to buy some at Malley's Candy store in Cleveland for Kam. They were one of his favorite things.

Kam was my dominant, Master and Daddy years ago.He and I had a pretty intense Daddy/little girl relationship. Some of it was me becoming a little girl with baby talk, dressed in pink with pigtails tied in ribbon, squishing my teddy bear tightly in my arms. Some of it was more role-play - such as playing a catholic school girl being sent home with a bad report card and being punished by Daddy. Some of it was me as an adult woman having that nurturing protective role of Daddy there always for me.

Kam was Daddy from the first moment I met him.  It was like the little 4 year old girl had been waiting for him.  Because of that I feel he helped me deal  with abuse from when I was that age. I see now how it was a way to heal that little girl inside me.

Because of how intense and the role it played in the dynamic with Kam, it has been hard to do age play with Master. Kam died 3 years ago and we had unresolved issues - so I have always assumed that was partly the reason I had trouble releasing that side of me. But I do wonder if I needed that side at that time with him to heal and maybe I don't need that anymore or I don't need it in the same way. I can feel that part bubble to the surface at times, but just little peeks. I guess I am not sure if it is a something that I don't need anymore or if it is just not the right time or if it needs to be different .....not sure what other reasons. 

Master is Daddy to me, but not as little girl - age play sense. It is more as an adult woman who likes the feeling he gives me - such as feeling extremely safe and protected by him. I am extremely shy and having Daddy there to help me navigate social settings is amazing. Being able to hold his hand as he navigates us through a crowded room. Or leads a conversation when he knows I am having problems are all things that make me feel nurtured and protected by him. He is Daddy in that sense.

Recently several instances have come up - the malt balls, a game and just someone said something that reminded me of Kam.  It is making those feelings of desire for that side come up more.  It made me wonder if that part is getting ready to come back out.  I know for sure it has made me smile instead of having a sense of sadness. I guess time will tell if that part of me will do more than peek.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

When is M/s right for you?

When I was 16, I was involved with a boy who tied me up and spanked me. We eventually had sex.  But I was kinky. I didn't know there was a word for it though until much later. I was 27 when I discovered words for who I was and what I liked. It was probably close to a year after that I actually got the nerve to go into Barnes and Noble and order Different Loving which had only been published a couple years prior (before the days of ordering things online as Amazon wasn't around). I was with my husband at the time and trying to get him to be okay with naming the relationship I felt we had before I knew there were words for it.  When I came to the section on 24/7 in Different Loving, I knew I wanted to be a slave.  I don't recall anything that was said, but I still remember how I felt. I knew reading it that I wanted to belong to someone 24/7 and be a slave. 

After my marriage ended, I knew I was going to seek a M/s dynamic. I bottomed and did a D/s relationship for a bit, but never felt totally fulfilled. I am glad I played and explored before jumping into M/s. Not everyone is going to want M/s...I get that.  I also get that not everyone wants to be a bottom or do a D/s relationship.  These are not  the only options in kink world for relationships. I am saying, by exploring, I could gain life experience, self-awareness, and also find out what elements I wanted and needed from a kinky relationship. I am thankful I explored first to figure things out before jumping into a M/s relationship as it helped me identify what elements I wanted in a relationship - period - M/s, Top/bottom, D/s, Owner/puppy - or whatever type of relationship desired.

Why am I writing all this... What is my point..... Well... I was asked recently if I felt it was okay to jump straight into a M/s dynamic when new to BDSM and my answer was no. But I realized I didn't explain why.  I think a person needs to have self-awareness, a good realistic view of M/s and life experience to know if it is really the best path. But only YOU can decide that.  Only the person wanting to walk this path can know if it is right for them.


I have been around people who were young in age, but had life experience and amazing levels of self-awareness and if they asked me if what I thought about them getting into M/s - I would probably say, "go for it."  I have known people in their 40's who lacked self-awareness and life experience and might tell them that maybe taking some times to really get to know themselves might be better before jumping into M/s. I have a very close friend in her late 30's recently ask me what I thought about her pursuing a M/s relationship although she is new-ish to BDSM and I told her I could see the slave in her and understand why she wants/needs it as her path. I think she knows enough about what she wants and needs in a relationship to know if M/s was right for her.  She was going to do it without my validation, but sometimes just hearing it helps that knowing inside shine brighter.

Although it might feel right and shine bright inside - there are still times you might question. You still might go is this really right for me even if most of the time it feels so right. You question because you are fighting against messages we have been told all our life - we question because it feels so different to actually be doing the thing we want as we often think it is not possible to have what we want - and we question because it is just our internal workings nature to question.  It is okay to want M/s and it is okay to go after it and it is okay to question.  

Just know M/s doesn't happen over night. Relationships build out of compatibilities. It takes time, energy, communication, and investment in each other to grow into it. But again the only person contemplating it can decide and know if they are ready and want to try.    

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Break Ups

First Master and I are good.  I will say that again Master and I are good. We are not breaking up. We have been together for 10 years - through good and bad and each year strengthens our relationship. But breaking up is a part of  almost everyone's lives. Most of us go through it at least one point in our lives.  It took many tries of finding that one before Master claimed me as his. It takes a lot of time and energy to find the one and even more time when poly and looking.  The end of May Master and I ended our relationship with teacup. It has been extremely hard on each of us. Master and I have been there to help teacup in processing just as she has been here for us too.

I know the Dominants I have been with have felt it their responsibility to be there for the submissive because the dynamic ending impacts so many parts of daily life. I know in my past relationships it helped me to have the Dominants support me while I processed and healed my heart.  I am thankful for having such caring and kind men in my life. 

My first dominant after my marriage was a long distance relationship. He broke things off with me because he knew I wanted M/s and he didn't and he also was wanting someone closer in distance to him. I am lucky he was a really nice gentleman as he kept in contact with me for a long time after our break up. Because he had been my dominant and had control over my life one day and then the next didn't so he didn't want me to feel completely abandoned. He helped me process and work through the grief of the break up. Eventually we lost touch with each of us moving.  But I am ever grateful for the contact he had in those months after the breakup.
 
My breakup with Kam was extremely hard because it wasn't a true breakup. We ended the M/s, but continued the Daddy/little girl and went to being boyfriend/girlfriend and still lived together.  It was hard because I had been enslaved so serving him all day every day for almost 3 years and then we changed that so it was hard not to just naturally do the things I had been doing - such as getting him a drink and the other acts of service that were my daily life. I did do some as his girlfriend and little girl, but it was hard to figure out the line and boundaries. He was very kind and supportive of me trying to process the end of the M/s. 

Maintaining a connection even as friends/family I think is important after ending a D/s or M/s relationship.   The dynamic can be difficult to move on from because our worlds become so intertwined with these kind of relationships. When that dynamic ends, it can leave each party feeling lost, confused, and alone. So reaching out to one another to ensure each person is processing and moving forward safely - is just a good thing to do.  The people involved come to each other knowing each person is hurting, processing and dealing with grief differently, but not abandoning each other.
 
For some people it might be easier or just part of their personal coping from grief to not have that other person around. In the end you need to do what is best for you, but communicate that so the other knows to seek support elsewhere. 

When D/s protocols have been such a big part of each persons life, it can be hard to navigate the world without it in place. We each had responsibilities in the dynamic and just because the dynamic ends doesn't mean the connection stops. Be kind to yourself and each other.

Monday, November 18, 2013

New to FetLife?

I (heart) FetLife: BDSM & Fetish Community for 
Kinksters, by kinkstersAre you thinking of joining FetLife?  A little nervous and curious what you will find?  What to know some tips on helping your experience be more positive on FetLife?

FetLife is like Facebook for kinky people.  It isn't geared towards finding a dominant, submissive or just sex partner - it's not a meat market. But I will say by participating you might find someone that captures your interest so it isn't out of the possibility to find a kinky partner. 

So tips:
  • Fill out your profile. -  Be honest, be yourself, be open, but no need to overshare or spill out your whole life's history on it.  If you feel your profile is going too long. Make it a writing and link to it in your profile. (FAQ on how to link and other FetLife formating codes)
  • Upload a photo.  Men having just dick shots won't make people flock to you. Make sure you have other photos uploaded please. I have to say the same for women - just tits and pussy shots don't do anything to help you find someone.  
  • Fetishes - Having a huge list of fetishes makes it harder to scroll through your profile. I suggest not listing every single one and listing those that are the most important and you feel define the type of dynamic you are in or seek.
This is a social media platform so join groups, share photos and writings, comment, and jump in to get know people and make friends. I really wouldn't suggest one group over another as it really goes to what groups match your interests best.  Such as if you are new to the kinky world - then Novices and Newbies might be good for you. Interested in Poly and Kinky?  Or are you Kinky and Geeky?  A submissive woman?  My suggestion is look at the groups your friends like. You can browse them on their profiles. I have friends with similar interests so have found good groups by finding groups my friends are a part of too.
 
By participating in groups, posting blogs, commenting and just generally interacting with others on this type of internet platform - you will get people voicing all sorts of views - often in disagreement with your own. It is a public forum made for everyone to share opinions, thoughts, beliefs and silly stuff. So don't take anything too personally and view it as learning experience instead of an attack. We all want to be heard and connect with people and this type of platform can give us that - just not always in ways we expect.

Last bit of advice - Think before posting and be true to you.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Fainted During Play

This past weekend we were at a local event and I just briefly mentioned something that happened to me years ago.  I went to look in my blog to see if I could find mention of it and I couldn't find it. I thought it happened in 2001 with a play partner, but couldn't find it so thought I would share. 

I had been in the scene for about 7 years when this happened.  I had played before and not ate all day so really didn't think anything of doing it again. I mean I knew that it was a risk and had heard that you should eat, but I never had a bad reaction - except one time.

My play partner put cuffs on me and attached me to a St. Andrew's cross.  He was flogging me for a bit and then I started feeling clammy and dizzy.  I called to him and he came up to me and I said, "I think I am going to faint..." - and I fainted. I slumped and he grabbed me. Luckily I was attached to the St. Andrews because I could have fell on the hard floor near several pieces of equipment and possibly hit my head. He called a friend over and just as he was going to have her undo a cuff, I came right back.  He got me out the restraints and sat me down.

After we talked to try to figure out what it could have been - running down a list of usual suspects in these kind of cases - locking knees, meds, illness, fatigue, not eating and so on. I realized at that moment - I hadn't ate. We still don't know if that is the case, because as I said above I had played without eating all day before and never had a bad reaction.  But this time I did.  My play partner was fairly new to the scene so he actually was happy to have a learning experience from the situation. Upset I fainted, but glad to see what happens and what to take away from it.  From that scene on -  I made sure I ate before hand so I learned too.  I have never fainted again.

I have a good friend that faints from playing quite often - just because her body goes into shock with pain play.  Her body just doesn't know how to handle the assault of the sensations and goes into shock.  So she has to negotiate and really educate her top before playing.

My point of telling this story is....things happen. Sometimes we can prepare for them. Sometimes we can't. Sometimes things happen and there is no explanation of why.  It is okay.  Do your best to learn from it and move forward.

Here are two links to learn more about illness and fainting during play:
Facing Sudden Illness During Play
Assessment and Treatment of "Fainting" During BDSM Play

Monday, October 28, 2013

Service to Enhance His Life

I think a pitfall of  D/s and M/s relationships is thinking that you have to do x,y, z to actually be "doing it right."  But really there is no right way to do a D/s or M/s relationship.  Do what works for you.  Do what fits in your relationship naturally.  Finding protocols, rules or service can only be figured out by the people in the dynamic because you live your lives day in and day out.  It doesn't need to be complicated.  You don't need page after page of rules or protocols.  Start small and simple and build on it.

It is easy to take things people say they do and make them work for you.  A protocol I have read is about the submissive walking on the right side and one step behind the dominant. Now why people do that - I am not so sure.  But we have taken that rule and made it into a practical service I do for Master. He has me walk on his right side because he is hard of hearing and that is the side of his good ear. So I walk on the right side so he can hear me. He didn't create this rule because it is what "slaves should do" - he created it because it makes his life easier. So figure out how to make rules, protocol and service that enhances daily life.  


Here are some examples of service that I do in my dynamic that might help spark ideas for your dynamic...


  • Chauffeur/Driver - I do drive Master very occasionally
  • Domestic Service - I clean, do laundry and cook
  • Secretary - I take notes for his business, do filing, manage household bills, sort mail, shred paper work and so on
  • Personal care - give him massages, cut his toenails, give manicures, trim eye brows/pluck eye brows, trim his goatee, shave him, at times I will wash him and/or wash his hair, make sure he takes all his meds and vitamins daily, set out his clothes, take care of his clothes - such as buttons replaced, hems falling, boot-black/polish shoes, pack if we are traveling
  • Yard Work
  • General Catch-All - such as general household repairs - such as the sprayer on the sink wasn't working and so I replaced it or maybe Master needs something I can't do then I research or handle parts of it - if not all of it - such as we need to get a bush/tree pulled out of our backyard then I will be calling around to get prices and see what the process is like, cleaning the inside of the car, or shopping for gifts or making them if he wishes
  • Companion - I often ride with Master even if it is him going into a meeting for an hour and him just wanting me there when he gets out. He likes to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie or playing a game - he enjoys my company and wants me available to be able to relax with him.

I am sure I am forgetting things, but this is just a starter list to get you thinking about areas of service. You also might want to read this post over on our website about the authority Master has over my life.

As always talk. I suggest if you are submissive reading this that before implementing any type of service - talk to your dominant.  See if he/she wants it  - because if he/she doesn't then it isn't really serving them.  To help figure out what areas will make the most sense in your dynamic -make lists of everything that the dominant does everyday for a couple of days to a week and then go through together and see if there are things the submissive can do to help serve the dominant.  Be realistic and practical, but don't forget you can add some spice to things if you both desire mixing the things you fantasize about with real life.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Blogoversary

I have been blogging 13 years today. 

Here is my first blog entry....October 27, 2000

Blogger Here I Come...

This is my first post to my blogger...woohoo lol

I created a new name for myself today and so with that step into a new direction...I decided to creat this blogger and start posting my thoughts, rants, raves and whisperings.

I created a new name that fits me better then I think any other name has - Danae. There is a painting by Gustav Klimt titled Danae. I have been drawn to it for years. Here is a link to a picture of the painting: http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~dbi9m/klimt/pix/Women/pDanae.jpg

I did a search trying to find out what the painting meant...Who Danae was....And I found out that she is the mother of Perseus in Greek Mythology. When doing a search on Danae I came up with a site that told the meaning of names...and it had Danae listed.

It is what made me see that the name Danae was meant for me....

Here is what it read:
The name of Danae gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

Those above words describe me almost too well.....

So today I created the name Danae and start a new path....

Good Night...

peace & serenity,
danae

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Confessions

Here is a conversation we had tonight...

I am perving on porn and send Master a link to a photo....

me: Do you see something familiar in this photo...?
Him: Oh well it was only that one time
me: Master, she is pregnant....are you sure there isn't something you want to tell me?
Him: Well I do have a confession I booked us ticket for Maury Povich


The photo had a pregnant woman on a bed that had our headboard.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Rule the World

I have had this blog entry about half done for about a month and I was missing some key points to it. So would open it up and work on it when things came to me. But one other thing that was missing was the title.  This post is about consent, but at the same time the things I am writing about is about those that seem to inadvertently try to rule the world and not just their submissive. I am going to date myself because as soon as that came to me - Tears for Fears song came to mind.


It is amazing to me that as a whole the BDSM community talks about consent yet at the same time does so many things that aren't consensual. It often comes in forms of d-type's making their s-type submit and ends up inadvertently placing those outside the dynamic in a situation where they have to follow along/submit/obey or ignore it completely - which is what I usually do when those kind of things come up.  I don't think that many d-types are really trying to rule the world, but with all the rules and protocols they make to follow - it can get a little tricky navigating. 

Here are a few things that are often mistaken as fact instead of actually being myths because they put people in a non-consensual situation where they don't want to follow along.

* You are Submissive so Submit to EVERYONE! - First there is a good article and image by Mia over on FetLife using the saying, "Submissive, but not YOUR submissive" so go check that out. Many years ago, I was at a friend's collaring ceremony and one of the dominants at the party told me to go do something. He didn't ask me if I would, he told me to do this task because I was submissive.  He felt he was in the right because he is dominant and I am submissive so of course I should submit to him. Which of course isn't true - that is just what he felt. My friend was standing nearby and overheard it.  She looked at him and said, "Did you lose your manners to order a submissive around when she isn't your submissive?"  He got all flustered and acted like I had misunderstood him. Over the years unfortunately situations like that have happened more then I care to remember - it happened more when I was single and it is hard for me to understand why someone thinks I am just going to submit to them without knowing them and...oh yeah consenting to it. I politely remind those that think because I am submissive means I will submit to everyone -  that I am not their submissive and I don't consent. Now as an owned slave, I only follow the orders of one man. So this is my words of wisdom for d-types - check your ego at the door and remember to use old fashion manners when speaking to anyone - submissive or not - it doesn't matter. In ordering a submissive around that isn't your submissive  - you aren't acting consensually.  Please try to remember that.


* Dominating my Submissive and the Whole World needs to Obey too - I think sometimes people don't realize that orders they give often aren't just making their submissive submit, but making all of us submit without consent. Years and years ago before I was Master's slave, I was at a 2 day meeting/class for submissives. On the second day, we all arrived, sat down, one of the submissives pulled off her shirt and bra, and sat there. The facilitator, asked why she was doing that.  The submissive had been ordered by her dominant to sit topless at this class. Now these meetings were totally non-sexual. They were about service and just the mindset of submitting. No BDSM play was involved and nothing sexual was hardly even talked about it because it was more about the dynamics and the mindset within the dynamic - so that was highly inappropriate for the setting.  This submissive's dominant took it upon himself to make us all submit to his kink by making his submissive go topless at the class. The facilitator luckily helped the submissive to see that - how her dominant was making us all submit to his desires even though he didn't have our consent, how inappropriate it was for that setting,  and that there is a time and place for everything - so submissive put her bra and top on.

Another example that we all see happen on profiles on FetLife and Collarme or back in the old days on Bondage.com or even AOL profiles. They say "Write or talk my dominant before writing/talking to me" or from dominants profiles "When writing me address me as Sir..." - that is your kink and you are trying to order me to follow your rule. I am sorry I don't consent to that - you didn't ask me if it was okay. You just put it out there as a rule and you think I am suppose to follow even though again I am not your submissive.  I don't submit to everyone - I submit to Master. I know d-types are meaning to dominate their submissive when making such a rule, but please think about if the rule is doing that or are you, by accident, making others consent to it too. Do you really want everyone out there to submit to you without asking? Because again...that is not consensual.   If you really want control over who emails your submissive, then read the submissive's emails.  Put it in the profile of the submissive "my dominants will read my emails." Then it is the choice of the person emailing if they want to or not and you are putting the rule on your submissive and not on everyone else. Again think about who the rule controls....your submissive or the rest of us.

* Permission, Rules and Protocol are the same for Everyone -  Of course that isn't true. There is no universal protocols in BDSM. Are there things that are common throughout - sure, but even those can have exceptions. Such as it is fairly common that people under the BDSM umbrella use safewords, except for some of us don't. Master and I don't. I don' t have a safeword.  If I feel sick or a cuff is too tight, I just let Master know.  Another common one is that there is no talking or interupting scenes in dungeons, except when you are getting a bunch of people together to specifically be in on the scene. Such as many people getting together to piss on one or multiple bottoms. So there are things that are common, but do know there is always exceptions. We are all different. Every relationship has a different set of rules, protocols and things that require permission so don't expect us all to act alike.

Recently I asked a friend if I could post an essay she wrote on our website and instead of going to her Master and asking him - I asked her.  I know she knows her rules and if she needs permission from him that she would ask him - which she did.  Because ultimately I am not responsible for knowing her rules, protocols or things that require permission or any other s-type's - I am responsible for following my Master's. So if you need permission to go to lunch, make plans, send a package, open a package, have chocolate that I mailed to you, or so on or so forth - those are your responsibility and not mine.  You know your rules and I shouldn't be held to following them because again ultimately I don't consent to your rules - just Master's. Just as you don't consent to mine.

Making the world call you Sir or Ma`am - I already posted about this. A d-type making all s-types call them Sir or Ma`am without asking is not acting consensually. S-types calling all d-types Sir or Ma'am isn't consensual either. Read the linked post to find out why this is just not cool.

* Pushing our Kink on the World - When Master and I are in public, we have protocols that are very subtle and not hardly  noticed by even those in the BDSM community. Anything that would be more intrusive into someone's space or around vanillas, we wouldn't do because we don't want to push our kink on them without asking if they are okay with it. There are some areas that displaying our kinks out in the open is fine - such as at a BDSM event such as Thunder. When you walk into the dungeon you know you are going to see lots of people's kinks on display. If something makes you uncomfortable - walk away. But lets say we are in a vanilla setting and Mistress So and So comes walking into our little coffee shop where BDSM group discussions are at - she has her human pet on a leash and they are all decked out in fetish wear. At that point you are putting your kink on to every person in that coffee shop. You are making them consent to something they didn't realize they would be seeing. That isn't cool.

I think we all tend to think at times that it is okay and no a big deal to put some of our protocols, rule and things that require permission out there in the world because we really don't look at the bigger picture of how it makes others submit to it instead of just the one in service. But the whole point is we do -  we all too often  make people consent to our kinks without realizing it. So please before you make a rule think about who you are really making submit to that...is it your submissive? Or is it the rest of us?

Friday, September 27, 2013

Packing List....

We are going to a kinky gathering tomorrow.  I was checking my list of things to pack/bring....

Pasta Salad
Spoon for salad
Brownies
M&M's
Plates, silverware, mugs
Kettle
Hot Cocoa and Tea
Paper Towels
Towels
Ziplock bags
Bottled Water
Leash
Gag
Cuffs
Ibuprofen, Inhaler, allergy meds
Garbage Bags
Blankets
Winter coats, earmuffs, gloves

This list amuses me....because of course it seems like a regular old list for people going on a picnic/camping. But right there in the middle you can see a few things that aren't regular camping items.Looking forward to getting together with like minded people tomorrow.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Sneeze on Command

You know he can just get into my head and spin it in many directions that I think up is down. It is so so...well frustrating...because I will be going "huh what just happened" and be completely turned on at the same time. I have said to him before jokingly, "You have brainwashed me to think it is perfectly normal do that to me." He just looks at me like, "Yeah so." 

Really not sure it is brainwashing or mind control, but instead I see it more as forms of conditioning and training me. Not just my training me how he likes his coffee, but to train me to react the way he wishes...even my brain. Okay so maybe I am in denial about it being brainwashing and mind control.


One day I felt a sneeze coming, but it wouldn't. For about 20 minutes (maybe not that long just seemed like a long time to me) I struggled and just wished the freakin sneeze would come out. I said that outloud to Master as we were watching a movie. We sat there a few minutes, he paused the movie, turned to me, and said, "sneeze." I sneezed. My mind is conditioned to obey him so I sneezed when he ordered me to do so.

Could he just tell me to sneeze when I wasn't feeling it coming - I am not sure it would work. But I do know the seeds he plants often flower exactly when he wishes.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Mentors in BDSM Community

This is one of my soap box issues I am writing about.  I will also state by putting something on the internet I do know that I will get opinions that differ from mine and I am fine with that because for me people reading more than one perspective is always a good thing.

The definition of Mentor:

noun

  1. a wise or trusted adviser or guide

I am not a fan of having mentors. I think forming friendships is better than having a mentor. Because friends know you, know what you are seeking, what you like and dislike, and have your back. I think often a person asks someone to be their mentor when they really don't know them well and how can that person help you when they don't really know you has always been my question. As it says in the the definition above "trusted" and to me often people ask a mentor to guide them without really forming trust or knowing the mentor well enough to know if they are wise and can be trusted.

In my years of being in the BDSM community, honestly, I haven't seen many mentors be close to the definition. There are some, I am just saying the majority don't end up like the definition. I am going to share the mentorships I have seen and why they never seem to work well:

1) It's a Show & Ego - It's all about appearances and who knows who. The mentor might be someone big in the community or even nationally recognized so they will be a great mentor, right? Really just because someone is recognizable within the BDSM community doesn't automatically make them a good mentor. It usually ends up just being about the appearance - the person being the mentor and the mentee get something out of those feelings...makes both feel like they are special. But it doesn't mean that they are being a wise and trusted adviser and guide. Or even know each other enough to make it a good mentorship.

2) Lacking Experience - Sue is mentoring Mary. Mary wants to feel wax and so Sue recommends Carl. Sue doesn't really know Carl, but just going off that demo she saw one time, but doesn't want to admit that she doesn't know him. Come to find out Carl has actually burnt several s-types. OR the other scenario - Sue reads a couple essays and then decides to just try it on Mary even though she has never done it before. My point Sue is lacking experience and doesn't want to say that. The mentor doesn't want to look bad so they guess instead of saying "I will need to research that and ask around to find a person that is good for you." Going to my friend she will say "hey, I had such and such do wax on me and it was amazing." Can a mentor say that too, yes, but I have seen it far too often as the mentor not wanting to "look bad" so they fake it.

3) Maid & BJ Service - Dan is a d-type and the mentor. Fran is the s-type and the mentee. Dan is going to mentor Fran in the guise of "training" - so Dan is getting a maid and blow job service. A friend can tell you about the lifestyle without having you clean their house.

4) Just a User - Sally is mentoring Joe. Every time Sally and Joe go out to eat, he pays. She sees something in a shop she wants and Joe offers to get it for her. She might do the polite thing of saying, "oh no," but eventually it comes back to "yes please do buy it." Their relationship ends up being more about him buying her stuff than about guiding and advising.

5) Blurred Boundaries - Frank, a d-type, is mentoring Greta who is an s-type. They have sex and bdsm involved in the mentorship so that she can learn and feel different toys and sexual techniques. It starts to blur boundaries and meaning of relationship. One of two things happen often when this type of relationship is set up - Greta starts falling in love with Frank and he ends the relationship so then instead of dealing with a mentorship ending she is dealing with a broken heart OR Frank might not see things as objective and not give Greta a full scope of information because that boundary has been crossed. When you go to friends, you are getting each of their own perspectives based on their experiences, but that is why you have more than one friend so you can get different views and a good friend will push you to find your own view too. And again friends know you and what you are seeking so can come at it from that direction.

6) One True Way - Hilda tells Jane who she is mentoring - one view - her own. So Jane might view SSC as the only way because Hilda never shared RACK or PRICK. Going to friends you are getting each of their views and again friends encourage each to find our own views.

7) As Protection - I think many s-types use it as a crutch so they don't have to deal with anyone. They don't like confrontation or conflict so someone else gets to deal with the d-types writing them or hitting on them in person. I get some d-types can be pushy, but all you can do is to tell them no and to back off. A mentor or protector won't do anything else. If you are having problems with confrontation and standing up for yourself, it is my suggestion to look into why you have those issues and work on them. Personal responsibility is a lot more sexy then most people give it credit. The dominants worth their weight in gold - are the ones that see you standing up for yourself and being a strong, capable person and like it. If you are having problems with a dominant - go to your friends first. Because if I want someone to have my back, my friends will do that better as they know me. I can say "hey if you see so and so approach me come and check on me." I am not meaning just s-type friends. Make d-type friends, because if it gets to the point of someone being too assertive having a d-type at your back when you say no isn't a bad thing. Again I am not saying don't have protection, but have protection in the form of a friend because they know you. But just letting you know if you stand up and say no to those pushy dominants - eventually sets a reputation up that you won't be walked over and that just because you are submissive doesn't mean you submit to every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along.

Do I believe in learning, exploring and safety? Absolutely, but I think there are so many ways to do that. Having community that does discussions and demos. Creating friendships of like minds. Reading and joining in discussions online all help in educating ourselves. Using all these things will help you figure what you want and desire.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Necktie on the Doorknob

Master had a rare appointment this afternoon where he had to wear a tie. I set his clothes out and hung the tie over the closet doorknob.

This is the convo we had as he got dressed:

Him: does the a tie over the doorknob mean you want sex?
me: I always want sex, but technically that tie is on the closet doorknob so not sure that means the same thing.
Him: that means you want to be locked in the closet.
me: mmms yes I think that is it Master.

Yes I love sex and it turns me on, but the thought of being locked in the closet turn me on more. I think I might be kinky.

Edit to add: My first thought that came to me when thinking of being locked in the closet was Master having sex with someone while I was locked in the closet.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Just Life

photo of Rocky Mountain National Park.
I haven't done a life update in a long time so thought I would throw out what is going on....

* Last weekend Master took me a place that had special memories for me. It was a place that my ex-husband and I used to go. I didn't want to re-write those memories, but I just wanted memories with Master there. It was almost 17 years to the day that I was there last with my ex-husband - Master I were there.  Master and I had a great time and made some amazing memories! I appreciate him making time in his schedule to make that happen for me and us.

* This week many of those areas are covered with water and being evacuated. It is so sad.

* Friends: Excited to see friends, who we haven't seen a while, this week.  We have been enjoying the company of another friend this past week.  Thankful for a conversation with a friend that helped me in some areas I am struggling.  Thankful to yet another friend creating an interesting week by throwing me under the bus a few times. :)

* Our town has had a more active community the last several months. Master and I have become more active in it. We are enjoying getting to know people. Something we were really wanting were discussions and demos and that has been happening.

* Because of being more active - you might have noticed I have been more active in blogging as I have had more ideas for topics.  Which is why I am going to be blogging about some basic things, because our community does have quite a lot of people new to BDSM.

* Drama and gossip happens in all groups. But I can say that is one thing I didn't miss about being active in a community. It has been hard, because as much as I have missed community - sometimes the drama and group think really can take a toll on me and I think I survived for 10 years without it so do I really need it?

* I  am about embracing the whole community though. Even those that I don't agree with or even people I don't like that much - we all are still part of the people under the same umbrella - BDSM community.  If we can't come together for the better of the community then we have no business talking.  It kind of reminds me of the quote that Dr. Brene Brown uses in her book Daring Greatly by Theodore Roosevelt - "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."  I am in the arena and I doing my best and doing what is right for everyone in the community - not just myself. Because of course it is for myself - I want community so there is something there for me. But I see a bigger picture and maybe that was because I was so involved with a great community in Ohio.

* End of February Master updated my phone to an iPhone. I have been taking photos non-stop since then. I submitted some photos to an author when they had a call for submissions.  I really didn't think I would be chosen, but I was, so one of my photos will be published in a book.

* Master and I have been traveling so much.We have put 20,000 miles on the car in 9 months.

* I had an end of the summer cold that lasted 2 weeks. I still have some cough, but the cold is gone. 

* This year has been a great year for me creatively - art, photography and poetry.  I just have put so much of myself into it and I feel the joy coming of it in waves.

* Having lots of joy through creativity, but I am also struggling with loss of myself in movement.  My body is giving way to illness and I am having to learn how to do things differently now.

* Gratitude is a practice - that I try to engage in daily.  Thought I would share some from of my positives from my life the last couple months: Poetry dates, taking photos of old buildings, spankings from Master,  meeting new friends, dressing up, naps, being published, art time, brownies, game night, laughing, tea, therapy, bruises that make me smile every time I look at them, a clean house, Chinese food while watching John Stewart, playing in the park (not BDSM play just having fun in a park - dancing, taking goofy photos and so on), fans for hot summer days, mindfucks, sleep, doodles, pretty drives and time with Master, pink toenails, hot fudge sundaes, books, art supplies, and productive days.  I could go on and on. I really love the practice of gratitude as it helps me with my daily outlook on life. Helps me move forward on pain filled days where I start to feel hopeless.

* Adding this....we just revamped our website and Master and I both talked about moving our blogs completely over there.  How would you feel about having one place for M's and my blog?   I will tell you I will have a little bit of a problem moving, but only for sentimental reasons of blogging on blogspot for 13 years next month.  But thought I would throw it out to the actual people reading my blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or email me.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Goodwill Shopping is Good*

Yesterday kaya wrote about shopping at Goodwill over on FetLife. At first I "hearted" the post and then I realized Goodwill was in the title.

See this is Master's fun at Goodwill, but not so much fun for me: He likes it for humiliation. Going and finding clothing that is too small or finding a muumuu or Grandma's housecoat type dress. Then threatening to make me wear it around town.  So, I was like okay Master has already been inspired by kaya once this week,  I really don't need him to be inspired by the Goodwill post she did so I will unlike that post and hopefully he won't see it on his FetLife feed.

Well unfortunately, Master still saw the post.  He causally mentioned Goodwill, but didn't say if we were going. I just kept my mouth shut as we went on our way doing our various stops around town.  One stop was going to look at mascara at a Clinique counter at a local department store.  I found some I liked and the clerk said, "Would you like to participate in Goodwill day?"  I turned red and choked out, "What is Goodwill day?"  All the while inside I was screaming at her for mentioning the evil words Goodwill.  (Goodwill day is where they donate a percent of all purchases to Goodwill.)

Thankfully Master didn't have us go to Goodwill, but it is still floating around in his head. He really doesn't need help with being sadistic and this week I am blaming kaya for being a source of inspiration.

*I was ordered to do that title. Goodwill shopping isn't good!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Restrained Property

On The Slave Register group on FetLife, there was questions about keeping property in restraints. So thought I would write my answer up as a blog post. Adding some more information to it. 

Master and I have been together 10 years. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was stepping off the plane to meet him for the first time.  When I first visited Master, I stayed for a month. In that month, he kept me restrained, locked up, and isolated. It was because....well, both of us get off on that and because he was training me. He was slowing me down and getting me to focus on him.  I lived in Cleveland, Ohio at the time and I was a social butterfly. I had things to do all the time and was just very busy so slowing me down to make me focus on him was exactly what I needed. If I had been brand new to the lifestyle, I am not sure we would have been doing something like this, but really it just depends on the people and what they desire.

My suitcase got locked in the closet and I was stripped naked and cuffed. He would allow access to some items as time went on - such as sexy lingerie so I could dress up for him. Clothes became a privilege he only issued when we were going to go out. He kept me isolated away when I was first arrived so I didn't go out often. At bedtime, one ankle cuff was locked to a chain that was locked to the bed.  He sometimes left me chained to the bed in the morning when he went to work because again he was trying to get me to slow down.  I didn't get much sleep in Ohio, so he was trying to get me to sleep and rest.  The first morning he did that I discovered a problem.  The chain wasn't long enough to go to the toilet in the bathroom. The night before I had put a large plastic cup next to the bed with water.  I took that cup and because I  could just reach the sink with my arms - I emptied it and peed in the cup.  Master loved that I had to piss in a cup.  He almost thought of keeping it that way, but then decided no if I needed to toilet for a bowel movement or throw up - I would need the chain longer so he bought a longer chain.

I cleaned house in the wrist and ankle cuffs - sometimes with a chain between them and sometimes he left the chain off.  At times I was locked away when not serving. I have been locked in a cage to sleep and just kept.  All these things re-enforced my status within his household.  Helped me slow down and focus on him. He became the center of my world and in the type of relationship we wanted and have - M/s and O/p - really that is needed. All those things helped train me to be his slave and property.

Over the years there have been times he has still done those things, but not as long term as that first 30 days.  Some things get harder and harder for me to do because of my health issues also.  So he has to balance if he locks me heavy cuffs to a chore, that might mean I can't move the rest of the day because of pain. 

Being restrained like that does change the way I think and feel though and sometimes just to have those feelings is worth the pain I have on the backside of it. I always feel and know I am Master's property, but  those feelings are heightened with the restraints and locks and such. It also feels more primal because it makes me feel like his object and his captive. It makes me more pliable, demure and submissive.

It does have sexual aspects too it.  It is something that I fantasized about for so long before Master and then it became my reality with him.  But as time went on it really did depend on the situation on if it turned sexual for me. I remember a few times where it just annoyed me and did nothing for me sexually. Other times it felt just very utilitarian, but my body still reacted. And yet other times it was totally sexual even if cleaning or doing mundane tasks.

It can be impractical in general keeping a slave in restraints, but that really is some of the purpose to me to help figure out how to do this task without them getting in the way - such not getting my leather cuffs wet (we have a set that just is used for this purpose so they do get beat up more because of it). But I try hard to not have the o-ring on them bang a glass while loading the dishwasher because it could break it. I have to really focus on my movements and what the things I have on will do with the task at hand. It is difficult to do many tasks and sometimes hurts with chains, locks, cuffs digging in as I do the task. Although it does make me focus on the task sometimes it made me feel good inside being locked up like that and knowing it pleased Master that I do these tasks like that - other times it annoyed me. It is more impractical now because I have some health issues and chains and cuffs hurt more now and doing one thing might have lasting impact for days.

Over all I think having the restraints especially locking ones and being kept naked - really re-enforced my status in his house. I think it was the perfect thing to do - to train me to focus on him and my service. It made those internal workings really know I am his slave and property - he owns me and I have to obey him.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

His Hands

I love Master. I pretty much worship him.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  I get obsessed with certain things about him every so often.  Today we were traveling to a little town near us and I kept staring at his hands.

I love his hands.
I love feeling his spankings as he is a drummer and drummers make the best spankers.
I love how his hand wraps around my wrist, guiding me, and watching me become demure and pliable under that one act.
I love his hands wrapping in my hair and shoving me down to my knees to suck his cock, holding me in place, choking and then setting the tempo to his desire.
I love that he pushes and pulls my body into position - to please him, to writh for him, to entertain him, to amuse him as I struggle against his grip.
I love to feel his hands sliding down the side of my face and smiling at me with love, affection, passion.
I love that the next moment he takes his hands and shoves me against the wall
I love that I see the sadist looking back at me as he wraps his hand around my throat.
I love the feeling his hands on my body and knowing they claim me as his and only his.
I love that he takes me in any way he desires - by probing, grabbing, slapping, shoving, pinning, plundering, reducing me to whatever he wishes.
I love when he twists my hair into his fist and growls in my ear.
I love that he grips and probes my body with strength and ownership.
I love feeling his hand slapping my face over and over so violently that takes my breath away.
I love his grip around my throat, pinching my nose closed, covering my mouth - restricting my breath making me breath only for him.
I love when he holds me down, digging his fingers into my flesh that leave bruises and show me where I belong.
I love to when he uses his hands to make me suffer and cry tears for him.
I love feeling his hands slapping, punching, shoving, grabbing, twisting, pinching, clawing, choking, beating, stroking, caressing, soothing - all things that touch me and claim me as his property.
Damn I love him and his beautiful strong hands that torment me and love me all at once.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

His Authority Over My Life

Master does exercise authority over most things in my life. Some of them are things he told or trained me to do and expects I will obey and fulfill them without him having to go over it each and every time. Some things he tells me what to do each and every time.

To read about the specifics of that authority and control over my life go to our blog on within Reality: His Authority Over my Life 

For those that read my reply to the Master/slave group - my blog expands on the specifics areas of control.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

He's a Creep

Have you ever got an email or had someone approach you and think, "He's a creep?"  I know I have done it.  But I would like to reframe that a bit - instead of thinking "He's a creep" instead maybe think "You know he isn't my type, but he has a match out there." 


I do think there are people who are inappropriate on their interactions.  But I think the ones that are truly inappropriate are usually easy to spot:
  • Asking to hook up for sex
  • Asking for naked photos
  • Asking you to do something like send them a note saying you will obey and be their submissive, saying "Kneel Bitch", "what are you wearing", "I am now your dominant and you will only talk to me" and so on with the over the top commands.
I think some people get put in the inappropriate box because....
  • Group Think - here is how it happens: Someone writes a sub A a message that is very benign like welcome to fetlife, some safety tips or definitions for when you are new to BDSM. Sub A goes to to sub B and says "So and so wrote me." Sub B says, "Oh stay away from him he is bad news." Now before sub A can even make up her mind he is bad news she has it in her mind he is and goes with it. Then eventually a whole group is thinking this just because sub B doesn't like this person. SO...find out for yourself and don't fall into the group think mentality.
  • Not your type - Sometimes we can get a gut reaction just because someone is so not our type that doesn't make them a creep. The emails might just be asking about things you are interested in, but they just aren't your type so it makes you uncomfortable reading it. Better to say "no thank you" then say they are being inappropriate. Because all they are doing is trying to show that they are interested in you. Take it as flattering instead of taking it as they are being a creep. Be clear and polite in expressing you don't have an interest.
  • Projecting – In a previous M/s relationship, after asking for release, I really was all over the map. My feelings were chaotic, angry, hurt, sad … everything. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Inside myself, I hated the feeling of not being owned. I felt pressure to find – the one. I started getting hit on right away (as most single submissives do) and I quickly discovered I had become prey. Most of the emails I got were the easy to spot kind (like mentioned at the beginning of the post), but some weren't. I found that I was projecting my own feelings onto them because I felt pressure. I was a mess and didn’t immediately recognize that I needed time to heal. They weren’t pressuring me – it was my own issues pressuring myself that perpetuated my misconception. All they were – were d-types who had an interest in me. Looking back, I can see that they were just carrying on a conversation and simply wanted to get to know me. I turned them away because of my own internal issues and what I was projecting on them. Actually maybe in a way they were meant to help me move forward without pressure, but I couldn’t see that because of the pressure I was placing on myself and how I was feeling in general.
  • Misunderstanding – One thing I think that happens more than anything is that we constantly misunderstand the motivations behind what people write or say. I think we’ve gotten so used to overreacting because we aren’t used to people acting like people. We’re used to the ones like “kneel bitch” or “show me your naked pictures.” Sometimes people just write you to get to know you better. Sometimes they crave conversation or they might be lonely or yes there might be an interest. There is nothing inappropriate about that and you’re definitely within your right to then invoke “not your type” as mentioned above. But at least recognize that you may have misunderstood their intentions or read into something that simply wasn’t there. It throws you off because we sometimes automatically put something in the inappropriate column without understanding the motivation in the first place. It’s always better to communicate clearly where you’re coming and/or ask if you are unsure of their intentions so that there can be no misunderstandings down the road.
Some Tips to help you Navigate the Playing Field...
  • Take Time -Take the time to get to know someone. Just because you have a few conversations with them doesn't mean they are perfect partner. Let it happen naturally and figure out if your wants and desires meshes with theirs (even the vanilla stuff)
  • Be Clear - Be clear within yourself what you are seeking and be clear with those who are interested. It is okay to say "I want to get to know you as friends." It is okay to say, "I want to play, but I don't want this to mean anything, but play." I know that sometimes playing can imply to d-types that the relationship is moving forward. So if that isn't your intention make sure you are clear from the start.
  • Attention - Getting emails, chatting, getting attention can make us feel good. When we feel good about that attention, we might do things such as flirt or make comments that can make our intentions change direction. Meaning showing someone your nude photo after you told them you want to be friends is probably going to give mixed signals. It might signal that if you are ready to show a nude picture then you are ready to move forward in this relationship. I am going to throw this out there from years of experience - Guys, even domly types, sometimes take any attention from a submissive as a signal things are moving forward. Because the attention makes them feel good too so the leap forward instead of listening. So just because that attention feels good, keep clear in your boundaries and direction.
  • Ask for Advice - but resist the urge to gossip. It is fine to go to a good friend and say "I am confused on this guys signals...here is what has been happening how do you see it" or "I have been telling this guy no but he doesn't seem to be listening can you see if I am giving him mixed signals or what I can do to help him understand." But resist going to friends and saying "hey he is a creep." Because just because he makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean the next person won't be able to break him out of this shell and connect with him. It might be your projection and your issue which makes him feel like a creep to you. Sometimes we are mirror and can learn a lot about what we think of others by turning that around on ourselves.
  • Delete & Block - For those FetLife emails that say get on your knees bitch, send me your naked photo, or lets hook up for sex and play type messages - delete them. Don't even respond. If they message again, block them. On FetLife, you go to their profile by clicking on their name. On the right hand of the profile you will see Message Kinkster, Add to My Friends, Report User and Block User. Click Block User for those that are persistent and won't take no for an answer.
  • Instinct - last but not least - trust your instinct. If something feels off, then trust your instinct. You don't want to meet with that guy you made a date with, then don't meet with him, be polite and clear when you call him and cancel and yes calling and canceling is the right thing to do. Just don't stand him up as we all know how that feels. Also don't just jump to the conclusion it is him - it might be that you aren't ready or he isn't the one for you. Something made your internal workings go stop and it might be something with him or it might just be something with in yourself.
Bottom line is be clear with people, trust your instincts and use common sense.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

within Reality


I am happy to announce that within Reality has been updated.  I moved it to a WordPress based site so that I can update it easier.  We added a few new articles and it now has a blog.  Right now it is M/s based topics from Master blog as well as mine, but we do hope to have new content written just for it.

Please check it out and let me know how it is to navigate as well as any broken links you spot.

Friday, August 16, 2013

30 Days of Kink - Day 25


Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

To those outside the lifestyle - not open at all.  To those within the lifestyle - depends on how close we feel to them.  Recently Master and I have had the pleasure of really getting to know a group of people in our community. We feel comfortable with them so we can be ourselves with them and enjoy things we don't usually allow people to see. It really just depends on the person, how open we are with them.  

When I lived in Ohio, everyone I pretty much met - I came out too.  But with Master having his own business in a smaller town - it really isn't possible.  We still have that fear of being outted.  We aren't ashamed of being in the lifestyle, but we also are realistic in knowing people around us might not approve of our lifestyle and that could ruin Master's business and our lives.  

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Happiness From Serving?

Do you believe your happiness can come(in it's entirety) from serving your owner?
I do gain happiness from serving Master, but I gain happiness from many other things and people in my life too. All things and people are in my life with my Owner's permission though so are done through serving him. Such as I am an artist and I create mixed media art works and he encourages this and allows it. By creating art I am serving his wishes and desires. He likes my creative personality as he has similar creative elements in his personality so it meshes well with him.

Do you believe the above view point is healthy?
I don't think it would be a healthy place for me. I know that when I cut art out of my life - I feel unbalanced. I need a creative outlet to be fulfilled just as I need to serve and be owned to feel fulfilled.

What role does being owned play in your personal happiness?
I know that if I were in a relationship that had equal footing, it would make me feel off and uncomfortable. Being owned does provide happiness to me as I feel more myself. It fulfills many elements of my personality.

Does your owner encourage you to rely on (him/her) for your happiness, completely?
No, he doesn't. He likes that I have many interests such as creative elements in my life and that they bring me happiness.  He encourages me to pursue things that make me feel good and happy.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

BDSM Play Parties: Part 3 of 3 - New to Play Parties

This is a 3 part series. Part 1 is a general explanation of what a play party is and some of my personal experiences.  Part 2 is about hosting a play party. Know that every place is different and has their own rules. I am covering points based on my own experiences.

Never been to a play party then this post might help you get prepared....

First is the play party at a public space or private?

Some public spaces have members only parties so you would have to be a member before coming to their parties and sometimes they have nights that are open to the general public.  Either way they will most likely have a website and rules on their website about the parties they host. Often private home parties are invitation only and don't expect invitations right away - you need time to get to know the host/hostess well before they might extend an invitation.

Some things to just keep in mind...

* When invited to a play party, you won't be expected to play just because invited. You won't be expected to get naked or do anything that you aren't comfortable doing. It is perfectly fine to watch and learn.

* You will see nudity.  Usually the submissive gets naked or strips down to lingerie, panties/underwear and mostly d-types stay clothed - if anything is taken off - it is a shirt or striping down slightly as flogging or doing a scene can work up a sweat.

* Don't touch people. Don't touch toys without permission. No is no - no matter what. Just because someone is naked doesn't give anyone the right to touch that person without their consent. If you see someone who is nude being touched by people at the party, it is because they have relationships with those people that allow that type of touch. Don't assume because someone is single they are looking for a hook up and are okay with touch. Don't touch people without asking! Not even a hug.

* You might see types of play you are uncomfortable viewing. If it makes you uncomfortable, walk away. There is almost always areas for socializing as well as many other areas for play that might make you more comfortable. We are all unique and all have different ways to express our kinks.

* Don't interrupt scenes.  You might see something you liked - a technique or toy you like, but wait until after the people are done playing and moves to area for socializing to ask about it.  Don't interrupt scenes - even if it makes you uncomfortable...the type of play might an area that doesn't interest you or even frightens you. The screams might sound like something is wrong.  Don't interrupt. The couple has safety measures set and playing how they want to play. If you really think someone is in danger, dungeon type space often has Dungeon Monitors (DMs) walking around go to them and have them take a peek. If at a private party, go to the host and hostess.

* Watching, again is fine, but please be quiet if talking. Keep it to a whisper. No loud conversations or laughter around play areas.

* No jacking off.  If you came there to wank, then you are in the wrong place. You might get turned on watching a scene, but it is considered highly impolite to jack off while watching people play. As I stated in Part 2 - we allowed sex at times, but only in a certain area.  Many parties don't allow for vaginal or anal penetration, but might allow for oral or hands/fingers.  Why they allow for some sexual contact and not others - really just depends on the space or home.  Okay now all that said sometimes a party will be set up specifically to fulfill fantasies and maybe a sub has a fantasy of several men jacking off on her as her D-type beats her - then of course it is okay. But often that kind of party is set up with trusted close friends in a private setting.  So you most likely won't see that type of thing when you attend your first play party.

* Turn off your cell phone and no photos. 

* Single?  Don't expect to go and play. Can you find someone there you might want to play with? Absolutely, but be polite in asking, talk some and negotiate.

* If you think you might want to play, bring your own toys.

* Safewords - usually a dungeon type space will have universal safewords that they want everyone to use so that if DMs hear them and the Top isn't stopping the DM will step in and stop it.  If you read part 2 of this series you will see when we hosted we didn't, we felt everyone was adults and responsible for their own safety.  If you feel like you trust someone enough to play with them, then you should trust each other enough to use safewords or communicate in a way to get your emotional and physical conditions expressed.

* Dress before, during, and after play - I will talk about dresscode more below. Private parties usually want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.  After I play or if changing between different play areas, I like to have a coverup/robe as I am not comfortable walking around naked.  If you come dressed one way, think about how you want to be dressed after being beaten. You might be floaty or having sub drop so getting dressed back into fetish or even street clothes can be a pain. Pack some comfy easy clothes in your toy bag too.  I usually hate wearing my bra, thigh highs and heels home so I pack clothes to replace those if needed. 

* Take care of you -  Do what makes you comfortable. Don't feel pressured to play. Watching is fine.  Also make sure you eat and drink plenty of water as playing can burn off calories and make it so you are dehydrated.  If you have medical issues, make sure you have meds and friends that know so they can spot signs. Such as  I have friend who is diabetic sometimes after she is beaten it messed with her insulin levels because of the endorphin rush so always had meds with her and when she was invited to one of our parties - I made sure to have some orange juice around for her to drink after playing. 


Some questions to ask the host/hostess:

Is there a dress code or theme? Is nudity allowed? -  Sometime public dungeons or bars having a fetish night will have a dress code or a theme.  Often it does mean some type of leather or fetish attire for a dress code.  Themes can include: Pirates, Medical, Goth, and School type costumes. A bar having a fetish night usually won't allow nudity.  Sometimes a bar having a fetish night will have a fetish show or performers and so they might set a dress code or theme according to it. They might allow very close to nudity for dress such as thong panties and pasties for females.  Public Dungeons often allow nudity once inside.  Private parties want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.

Is there food and drink? Do you need to bring something?  - Often at Fetish nights at bars - there isn't food.  But often parties held in dungeons as well as private home parties will have a potluck or share a snack type party.  Sometimes they provide drinks other times they ask you bring your own. If it is bring your own, make sure you bring a bottle of water.  Playing either from either Top or bottom place give you a work out and make you sweat and need to replenish liquids.

What time do the doors close?  Once you leave can you come back in?  -  Often dungeons will allow entrance for only a set time and once you leave you can't come back in.  If you are a smoker they often have areas set up for smokers - like a back patio area that is walled off so outsiders can't see you. Sometimes Public Dungeons don't allow nudity until after the doors close and it then usually becomes a private party which then allows for nudity.  Private parties might have a door closed policy also because the host and hostess want to play too and having to wait to answer the door can infringe on their time. Also they might have play area set within an open door view and so want people inside before play starts and no neighbors can see.  They also have areas usually set up for smoker that sometimes mean getting covered up and back in street clothes or it is walled off from neighbors view.

 Is there areas designated for socializing and also aftercare? -  Often public dungeon spaces as well as private play parties have both. 

What type of play is allowed and what kind of equipment is available?  - Some public dungeon spaces have area for blood play, wax or water sports, but don't allow it at parties because of liability issues.  They also often don't allow gun or knife play, fire or scat play either. Sometimes they might allow blood play if they have a room that can be closed off and have it set up for safety - such as having a sharps container.  Dungeons often have a wide range of equipment, but private play parties might have much more limited play space.

What are the rules?. Saves a lot of time by asking for rules ahead of time to figure out if you will be comfortable. Rules will often address many of the questions you have floating around in your head.

Again always ask if you have any questions.  Play parties can be fun as they can feed exhibitionists or voyeurs. They also can be a bit overwhelming if you haven't had any type of play around people.  I know with Master and I, we need to be very comfortable around people to play in front of them.  So take your time, ask questions, use common sense and just have fun!

Thursday, August 08, 2013

BDSM Play Parties: Part 2 of 3 - Hosting

When a former dominant and I decided to have a party we would send out invites for play parties via email and also attach a list of house rules and what we expected.  Once people rsvp'd we sent them a contact phone number, our address and a map.

Here is an example of our house rules....again every house or dungeon might have different rules this is just an example of ours. 

House Rules
* RSVP - we need a number for drinks and such.  If you are going to arrive late, please let us know. (Reason for them letting us know if they were getting there late is because at the beginning of each party we go over the rules again and some additional things that are too complicated to explain in writing such as cleaning certain furniture if using it to play. We wanted to make sure we had people that could explain those things to them when they arrived in case my dominant and I were playing at the time.)
* Arrive in street clothes - but feel to change when inside or strip down to naked. Just keep it vanilla when you are outside our home
* No touching other people without consent.  No touching others toys without asking.  We will have toys out that are available for use, but please clean and put them back after using.
* Be responsible for your play. We aren't going to police you so if you are playing with someone new, please make sure you negotiate and decide how you are going to stop a scene by either using good old fashioned communication or a safe word.
* Be aware of noise. No need to keep your screams muffled, but also no need to scream your head off and get the cops called on us.
* Be aware of others playing around. Keep conversation and socializing to the designated areas
* If wanting privacy before, during, or after play - close the door to the room.  But please keep in mind people might be waiting for the space so don't be a hog.
* Speaking of pigs, clean up after yourself.  We have anti-bacterial wipes in all the rooms, wipe down toys and equipment.  All other areas will be explained at party on cleaning procedures.
* Sex is allowed, but rules will be explained at party.  We have condoms, lube and some sex toys available for use.  Clean up will be explained at party. 
* We have a house first aid kit and will show you where it is when at the party
* Smoking only allowed on patio.
* No drugs or drinking alcohol allowed
* What happens at the play party stays at the play party. Please no sharing names and details of who and what was going on at the party. 
* Bring a snack to share. Paper plates, napkins, utensils, and drinks provided. (sometimes we would order pizza or cake if there was a birthday around the time of party and we would include that on this that they bring a snack, but pizza or cake would be provided)

So I just typed that up from memory....it has been more than 10 years since I hosted a party, but I think I got the major ones.  We had to put that drugs and alcohol on there as someone showed up drunk wanting to play and was doing inappropriate touching. He was just rude and loud to all our guests as well.  I know it is big in most community settings to not use drugs or drink while playing.  We really didn't have a problem with someone having a beer with dinner and coming to our party and playing. It was when they showed up drunk that it started to change the way we hosted.

What happens at the play party stays at the play party happened after attending our party some people would say something to someone who had not been invited and then that person would be butthurt and write my dominant or me upset.  I have a blog obviously I like to share so when I went to parties or whatnot I would say I went to a party, but not say who or what happened except for me.  I really had no problem someone saying on their blog they went to a party. They just needed to know what they were going to say who hosted the party and be okay with saying I am not allowed to say for privacy.

One that I would now add that there was no need for when I hosted parties is turn cell phones on vibrate/silent, no photos and no video recording.  I know it is in this day and age, we are photographed and video recorded all over the place in the vanilla world, but having our photos taken in the BDSM world still can damage careers and relationships with vanilla family and friends.

The Space....We lived in a large 3 bedroom - 2 bathroom apartment. Our kitchen was set up for drinks, then we had dining room with a table set with snacks.  People could help themselves to snacks throughout the evening.

We had a big square living area that had a dining room in one corner, a home office in another corner and then a living room area and reading area. In our home office area, we did have an area for play, but it was understood that they would be near the designated social area.  People liked that area if they wanted to just have some light play with laughter. The living area was social and the reading area I had a wax station set up.  I had crock pots with wax sitting on low table and then an area with plastic and layers of comforters covered with plastic again and then an old sheet over that.

We had 3 bedroom, usually all 3 were available, but occasionally there was only 2.  One room was our "dungeon" - it had a stool, a chair and a portable/collapsible saw horse in it. It also had a shelving unit that had toys in bins and hanging from it. The other 2 were set as bedrooms. One bedroom was my dominant's and had a king size bed that had all sorts of attachment points around it. At the end of the bed, I had a several layers of flat sheets folded over so that people could pull up and use to lay on and then strip off after they were done.  He also a dresser that had these loop drawer pulls that were good for bondage attachment and we usually put a a little bench I had in there too.  The third bedroom had a full size bed in it and a chair.   That bedroom we had set up for those that wanted to have sex mixed in their play.  I had a basket of condoms, dental dams, gloves (for fisting/fingering) and lube.  I also had sex toys that were toys that could be shared as they could be cleaned with bleach or sterilized. I asked that a condom be put on them though for added protection. I had those toys in a basket too. I had stack of towels and a stack of twin flat sheets. I picked up a bunch of twin flat sheets at Good Will - some even had smurfs and cartoon characters on them.

Someone using that room would take a sheet off the pile, put it down on the bed, add towels if they squirted, and then go about their business.  After they would throw sheets and towels into the laundry basket, throw condoms and wrappers into the waste basket, and if they used toys, I asked they wipe them off with a wipe and put in another basket I had next to the dirty laundry so that I could clean them properly after.  If anyone saw a toy in there they wanted to play with I had been known to clean them right then for them.

I stated in this post that, we had toys out that people could use.  We did, it was mostly just homemade things or dollar tree pervertables.  We did allow people to use some of our nicer toys, but we liked if they asked.  We never had this happen, but I know it happened at some other parties - toys being stolen.  So having your toys put away or not loaned out is quite common.

At our play parties, we usually got the ball rolling with some play because it seemed to help get things moving in that direction.

After people play, they would usually EAT! It made us all hungry. So we always had snacks, but sometimes adding in pizza, big sub sliced up, or hot wings. One time, I had nacho bar.  We always had a bowl of some type of chocolate and a variety of drinks. Drinks included water, soda (usually coke, diet coke and sprite), and coffee as often people weren't leaving until the wee hours and some had 45 min to hour drive home.

Hosting a play party can sound like a lot of work, but really having people contribute to it makes it easier on you. Have people bring snacks.  Ask those that have portable equipment to bring some. If you want more equipment, have a building party and get some people together to make some. Make it as easy as you can on yourself.  I really enjoyed hosting as well as attending play parties in Cleveland. Here in our smaller community we haven't had much experience with them and it takes Master and I significant amount of time to feel comfortable around others that we would even play at a party.  Sharing that bond we have with others can be hard at times - it is very intimate and can make you feel exposed.  I doubt Master and I will ever host a party - only because our own home just doesn't have the room.

If you are wanting to be invited to a local private party, then all I can say is be patient and get to know people like you would any other time making friends and sharing experiences. Part 3 - will address questions to ask before attending a play party or things that might happen at a play party to ease your mind before you go to one.

[Part 1 of 3]
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...