Milestones

Twenty years in the lifestyle this month. I have been kinky longer than 20 years, but I found words for who I am 20 years ago. I remember doing a search online and stumbling upon an AOL bulletin board for submissives. I read threads and nodded along to many things said. I decided shortly after I wanted to know more. I sought out everything I could - discussions groups, books and offline and online community. Eventually I found many groups, but there was 2 groups I consider my home groups: SMART which is still around in Cleveland, Ohio. It has grown so much.  I am really proud of them and all the amazing education they do and bringing community together.  The other group isn't around anymore, but they were called Carpe Diem and they were based out of Akron. They were really good at making everyone feel so welcome and it did feel like home because it was so comfortable.

Those groups as well as many other groups and events across the country - have helped me grow and learn in these last 20 years. I have met amazing people and learned so much about myself. Twenty years in and I am still as passionate about the lifestyle.  Still passionate about being a slave. Of course there has been ups and downs, but all these years it has still been a part of my being to be a slave and connect with other like minded kinky people.   

Thirteen years of blogging about my life. The end of October, I passed 13 years of blogging about my life.  I have went through ups and downs. I have struggled to figure out who I was and come to a place of peace and acceptance being a his slave. I have posted emotional vomit, deep thoughts, drama filled, silly, bouncing all over, daily life, sex, SM, life as a slave, things that caught my eye, made me think, and amused me. But I wrote to keep growing and learning about myself and be true to me.

My posting habits have fluctuated over the years.  I used to post quite a lot - looking down at the archives on the sidebar - you can see a number behind each year/month.  In 2002, I had the highest number of posts - 420.  In 2010, I had 30.  Early on in blogging, I was trying to figure out what I wanted and who I was because after breaking things off with Kam I felt lost. Now my life is in a place where I always wanted it, so I don't blog as much. It doesn't always occur to me write when I am living this life I dreamed about for years.

I have known from day one of putting things out on the internet - I would get negative comments and people who didn't agree with me and when you post on the internet you need to know that.  It helped me grow though hearing those other views. Seeing things from a different point of view often helped me clarify my own even more. It has been a huge learning and growing experience for me and so glad I have kept up with it for 13 years here on blogger.  

Eleven years being owned by Master on February 1st.  11 years ago Master and I stood on a busy street in Denver and he reached in his pocket, took out a heavy hardware chain and lock, slipped it around my neck, and locked it in place. No words were exchanged.  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes and the unspoken words claimed me as His property. There was no words asking me if I would be his slave. No words of asking for consent.  It was just a knowing of yes this is right for us and claiming me right there.

I remember I did not touch at first because I knew if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there. Later in the car Master told me to touch it and the tears started flowing in the realization of it - the meaning of it and that I was really owned by him.  I had felt enslaved to him before that moment, but that moment made it real for me. No denying it.

Eleven years later, I am still His just as I was that day. Each year just seems better and stronger.  Feeling incredibly blessed to serve and love him. I look forward to each day with him. I love how we explore our dreams and fantasies together all while keeping our feet grounded in reality. It has been an amazing journey and I look forward to seeing it unfold in the years to come.  

Ten years of withinReality.com. We are celebrating 10 years of having our website in March.  As of the 1st of February, I am moving my blog to our website. Some of my writing from this blog will move over there, but some will stay here. I won't be deleting this blog. I will be posting highlights every so often so that you can come visit me over on withinReality.com.  Master is also moving his blog over there.  Eventually Destiny might blog over there too. She is new to the lifestyle so I think it is a good perspective to add to our views.

I love my life. I am extremely passionate about the lifestyle and being a slave. Writing is an outlet to express that passion. So I will hopefully be blogging about it many more years. I look forward to writing and sharing many of them. I am always changing and growing and my blog has helped me in that journey over the years and know it will continue to help me in that as I pass many more milestones.

Please head over to withinReality.com to not only read our blog, but see essays on the lifestyle and learn more about us. We will also be doing some giveaways in 2014 to celebrate our website turning 10 years so please make sure to check out the blog in March for that announcement. I want to thank everyone who has supported me here at this blog and hope you will follow me to the new blog on within Reality.

Confessions

Here is a conversation we had tonight...

I am perving on porn and send Master a link to a photo....

me: Do you see something familiar in this photo...?
Him: Oh well it was only that one time
me: Master, she is pregnant....are you sure there isn't something you want to tell me?
Him: Well I do have a confession I booked us ticket for Maury Povich

The photo had a pregnant woman on a bed that had our headboard.

His Hands

I love Master. I pretty much worship him.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  I get obsessed with certain things about him every so often.  Today we were traveling to a little town near us and I kept staring at his hands.

I love his hands.
I love feeling his spankings as he is a drummer and drummers make the best spankers.
I love how his hand wraps around my wrist, guiding me, and watching me become demure and pliable under that one act.
I love his hands wrapping in my hair and shoving me down to my knees to suck his cock, holding me in place, choking and then setting the tempo to his desire.
I love that he pushes and pulls my body into position - to please him, to writh for him, to entertain him, to amuse him as I struggle against his grip.
I love to feel his hands sliding down the side of my face and smiling at me with love, affection, passion.
I love that the next moment he takes his hands and shoves me against the wall
I love that I see the sadist looking back at me as he wraps his hand around my throat.
I love the feeling his hands on my body and knowing they claim me as his and only his.
I love that he takes me in any way he desires - by probing, grabbing, slapping, shoving, pinning, plundering, reducing me to whatever he wishes.
I love when he twists my hair into his fist and growls in my ear.
I love that he grips and probes my body with strength and ownership.
I love feeling his hand slapping my face over and over so violently that takes my breath away.
I love his grip around my throat, pinching my nose closed, covering my mouth - restricting my breath making me breath only for him.
I love when he holds me down, digging his fingers into my flesh that leave bruises and show me where I belong.
I love to when he uses his hands to make me suffer and cry tears for him.
I love feeling his hands slapping, punching, shoving, grabbing, twisting, pinching, clawing, choking, beating, stroking, caressing, soothing - all things that touch me and claim me as his property.
Damn I love him and his beautiful strong hands that torment me and love me all at once.

Sex Dreams of True Life

The other night on the phone with teacup, Master mentioned something about his ass...honestly I am not sure what the conversation was, but probably something very benign like his ass was dragging because he was tired.  We had this conversation right before bed....so I had a dream about something that happened one of the times teacup visited.

We put in bad porn. I mean it - it was bad - we didn't know it was going to be bad, as we hadn't ever watched it. So put in the porn and then Master was lying over the liberator. Teacup and I were touching and kissing him all over. Our attention was focused solely on him.  One thing I did was lick his ass. I had done it before, but it had been a long time since the last time.  It was a lot of fun and he enjoyed it.  So I dreamed about licking his ass and sucking his cock. Always the makings for good dreams!

Good Relationship

From TinyBuddha's FB status today:
"Good relationships don't just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together." ~Unknown

A good life lesson and one I have learned over the years - good relationships just don't happen. I think we like to think that when you love someone - the relationship will just be magically connected together by love and make it a good relationship, but it takes more than love. It does need love - a lot of it, but being compatible on more than just kinky stuff is key to me though.

I love spending time with Master and not just because of the sex and kinky things - although that is delicious! But we mesh on so many levels that with time, patience and wanting to be together - we work hard to keep our relationship strong and keep moving forward.  

10 years

7 days after he collared me

We are celebrating 10 years together today. 10 years ago Master picked me up at the airport where we were hugging and kissing like high school kids. I flew into Denver so before we headed to his small town, we  stopped at a fetish store in the big city. When we got out of the car, he had me stand at  right there on the curb.  He reached in his pocket and took out a heavy hardware type chain and lock.  His fingers slipped it around my neck and locked it in place. No words were exchanged.  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes and the unspoken words claimed me as His property. There was no words asking me if I would be his slave. No words of asking for consent.  It was just a knowing of yes this is right for us and claiming me right there. 

I remember I did not touch at first because I knew if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there. Later in the car Master told me to touch it and the tears started flowing in the realization of it - the meaning of it and that I was really owned by Him.  I had felt enslaved to him before that moment, but that moment made it real for me. No denying it.  

I am so thankful for 10 years of serving him and walking this path together. I adore serving him still 10 years later. It has been AMAZING! 

Meeting Family

I got a question from a comment a while back on how we were going to introduce teacup to Master's family when we were going to a family event last month.  

I lived within a poly family in Ohio. Now I lived with a man, a several female. My family never asked me about it, but they knew I was the man. They just never asked about everyone else. They just "assumed" they were roommates.  But I did always think they kind of wondered what was going on as it didn't quite make sense. My family just tends to deal with me as being on the outside and a free-spirit that doesn't do normal things. So they tend to not think about what is really going on. 

When teacup started visiting us, we told family about a friend visiting. They are now getting used to hearing her name every time we visit each other. We aren't really coming out to them, just trying to get them used to knowing she is here and part of our family. We have come out to two family members though about her, one on my side and one on Master's. So Master's sister knew who she was to us and and welcomed her. Master's sister is excited that we have found someone to be a part of our family.

I will say that I do think Master's Dad might ask eventually about her and what is going on. I am not sure that it will happen just a hunch.  We have discussed some options if that happens and one is just saying she is a part of our family. I am not sure how much will be asked, but the truth is she is a part of our family.

For now though Master's parents really like teacup and were happy to meet her.  

Tug on my Leash

I don't need a tug on my leash to remind me who I am. I understand why some do and I know that early in my relationship with Master I probably felt I needed it, but mostly I just asked if things were okay when I was feeling off.


Just because I don't need the tug on the leash doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes feel nice when it happens.


A long time friend of mine, who is a dominant, wrote Master to let him know she and her slave are coming through town.  Master had been corresponding with her on it.  I was left out of it completely.  I really didn't even know anything about it.  When Master told me, it did give me that little tug that reminded me I am his property and well I don't need to be privy of all information. Master controls a lot of my life, but it has become such a part of my life that I sometimes don't notice it. This time I noticed.  It was just nice to feel it more overtly than usual.


Master's working on a big important project right now so when some details of my friends visit came up a few days ago, he told me he needed me to handle coordinating it. And again, I felt the tug ...a more overt tug that reminds me I am here to serve. Again - I serve him all the time but this was different so made me more aware of it.


So sometimes a tug on the leash feels nice when it happens in these small unexpected ways.

Communication

Something I count really among my many blessings is how well Master and I do communicate. It isn't perfect. It isn't that we always say the right thing to each other but in the end we keep talking and working it out until it is resolved.  Actually it is something my previous therapist and my current therapist always comment on - how well Master and I communicate.  It is something that we have proven to be quite good in our poly relationship with teacup as well.  We express ourselves and talk through issues and problems that arise as well as just talking daily about life and beliefs.  It strengthens our relationship and keeps adding good things to our foundation. 


Today's Daily Om was about communication and I thought it to be quite good so sharing some of it. But please follow the link to read the rest. 

"When we are in a relationship where we feel listened to and understood, we count ourselves lucky because we know how rare that experience is. We reserve our most intimate selves for the people who, along with us, cocreate an open space where we feel free to express ourselves and listen without judgment. These relationships, which thrive on open communication, can mean the difference between existential loneliness and a deep sense of belonging. We all long to feel heard, understood, and loved, and clear communication makes this possible." -  Daily OM May 24, 2012

"The key is to find ways to center ourselves so that we communicate meaningfully, lovingly, and wisely. In this way, we honor our companions and create relationships in which there is a genuine sense of understanding and respect."  - Daily OM May 24, 2012

Teacup

Teacup departed our arms  a week ago today. It was extremely hard to let her go as we had such an amazing time.

I am really glad that teacup's time with us gave her a taste of our everyday experiences. Master is self-employed and often our day/week get totally messed up because work comes first. And work got in the way right away. Monday and Tuesday we had tentative plans to meet some friends so they could meet teacup but Master ended up needing to do work both those days which then put other things we had wanted to do out of the schedule too. It really was a week of just planning it kind of day to day.

She got to experience everyday things like cleaning and folding clothes while Master was out on business. Her and I shopping and doing errands for Master while he was busy with work.  Her and Master running errands for his work and because we had to of course do some home repairs while she was here. She is a handy girl for sure - helped out on every level from sorting and filing things to doing home repairs. She just dove into the projects and was just willing to help out in any way.

We of course had LOTS of fun in there too.

Some highlights...mostly good with a few not so good thrown in to show it was everyday life full of ups and downs but mostly ups....
* her first night here - seeing her in bed with Master and being able to kiss them both good night. (our bed isn't big enough for all 3 of us to sleep comfortably in so we switched off nights sleeping with her)  It was quite overwhelming for me - in a good way. I was overwhelmed with love, affection and just joy...joy of seeing them in bed together...seeing her HERE with us.  It really choked me up with overflowing feelings and tears.

* I ended up being sick my first night sleeping with her

* I started spotting the day she arrived and then my period hit about half way through her visit and stopped the day she left.  My period was 10 days early. :(

* got to enjoy one of my obsessions with her - Harry Potter. She hadn't seen the last one so we watched the last 3 with her.  We also watched North by Northwest which is in my top 10 favorite movies. And we watched The Secretary which she hadn't seen before either.

* seeing teacup in her first hood, leather collar, cuffs and gag

* Master gagged us the first or second night - while he read from Laura Antoniou's  The Slave.  It was fun to see her drool. Her gag is much larger then mine as I have a small mouth - no really I do  My dentist even has told me that my mouth is small and always is asking me to open it more. :) Anyway - I have a small gag and she has a LARGE ball gag - she looked so pretty in it.

* Hearing Master and her having fun - really turned me on except for once...

* And I had a meltdown.  We all talked it out but it was very emotional. After that, later in the evening I did an Osho Zen tarot reading for all of us. teacup had never done tarot before and all of us....all of our cards were so spot on. I had 3 significant cards, but the last card actually used words from the meltdown earlier in the day.  It was very scary actually how accurate it was - we were looking at them like damn. It is amazing how much they can "read" you.

* teacup was a great help to me with a major project and doing some things around the house. I know I didn't let her do much, but this was also her vacation from work and I wanted her to be able to just relax. Next time she comes - I have promised to let her help more in chores and cooking. I pretty much spoiled her with food - I cooked a lot of our favorites and just had things planned out pretty good so that meals were covered.

* the liberator from Eden Fantasys arriving just in time to make sure her ass was in the air for Master to beat. (review of the liberator most likely coming at some point)

* knowing she now understands why when I say I am lucky that Master played the drums what I mean by that.  Master is the best spanker and it is all because he is a drummer. 

* my goodness that girl can take pain.  Really she could have gone on and on and on.

* She had lovely bruises on her ass and inside of her thighs.

* Her favorite toy is the Evil stick. (grins) Right teacup?  She knows the name fits it.

*  We had little afternoon trip to basically our backyard - where she took, I think it was, over 500 photos.

* We had a day trip too - and was wonderful to show her spots that have special meaning for us and create a moment that will now make it a very special spot for her.  Master collared her at one of our favorite places.  A waterfall we love to go to.

* I believe she enjoyed getting a taste of being chained to the bed at night. One night sleeping with her - her and I woke up with our male cat meowing because he wanted to be fed. He kept sitting there looking at us and meowing like "hey you guys are up come and feed me" but we were both chained to the bed.  So we kept telling him to go wake Master.  Have you ever watched Lassie where Lassie would come and tell them something by barking and of course they always understood. It would be something like Timmy fell in the well. We were doing that with our male cat - telling him to go tell Master Timmy fell in the well so he would come undo us from the bed .  Okay so maybe you needed to be here to get it :)

* Got some wine from local winery to enjoy on her last night here.  Also spent that afternoon at paint your own pottery place creating keepsakes for each other - we each took a turn at each other's piece to paint some of it.

*  One day Master had to work with a group of people and teacup and I were able to watch.  A couple people who are colleagues of Master but also friends said teacup and I looked like sisters.  Her and I both blushed because of the alternate meaning to us.  They all looked at her as a friend.  But she is part of our family and although sister isn't a word I would use for us - it is closest that works and that many use in poly situations.

Teacup is amazing person...she is so kind, funny, smart, adorable, pretty and sexy. She adapted quickly to things changing around here and the ups and downs. I loved being able to just spend time with her - no matter what it was...if it was sucking on her nipple or just talking - every moment with her was amazing. I feel really blessed we found such an amazing person to be a part of our family.

We had a lot more moments and each moment just seemed to feel right - right with her here with us.  It is something we are working towards. It will most likely be a long road to get her here with us but we are all wanting this so willing to wait.  But letting her go was really hard but we are looking ahead and keeping in mind all the wonderful memories we created.  We look forward to next time we see each other and for the eventual day she can move here to be with us.

(photo taken by Master several years ago even though Master did take some more this time. The falls just weren't as full right now so showing you a picture of them in their full beauty)

Safewords

Recently a friend joked that her first safeword was "Olly Olly Oxen Free." So every so often when Master says something that I find particularly sadistic, that I don't really want to do or feel -  I say "Olly Olly Oxen Free." It isn't a safeword but it is just being playful.

Over on Eden Fantasys forums someone started a thread about using safewords. I think if it works for you to use them - use them.  We don't use safewords in this relationship. I am not saying others shouldn't, but I thought I would outline why we don't have one though.

Often when people say they don't have a safe word one of the reasons they say it is because they know each other so well they don't need one or have a deeper relationship so don't need one. Well that isn't the case for us.  First anyone lifestyle or vanilla can have a deep relationship. Next,we are always changing so our tastes and what we like and don't like can change. Moods effect how I feel and react to things also. Plus we try new things often so how would he know my reactions to that if we have never tried it. Really things can be different even if we have played the same way many times before doesn't mean it will go the same way. Yes he knows me, but he doesn't always gauge my mood without me telling him. Master isn't a mind reader.  And even though he has known me 9 years doesn't mean things are always the same.  But even with all that we don't use safewords. 

We use good old fashion communication. I don't need to say red when I feel like I might faint or going to be sick. I don't need to use yellow when a cuff is too tight. I can say, "Master, I am going to be sick" or "Master, this cuff is cutting off circulation in my wrist."   

I like being able to say to him what is going on and what I am feeling. Saying a safeword really allows to just say it and not communicate what is really going on.  I could say red when I am having emotional issues instead of talking about - but talking about is better.  Telling Master I am having flashbacks is much better then saying red and leaving him wondering what is going on.  

Whenever I have mentioned that I don't use safewords in the past, the response I typically got was: "he can hack off your toes."  But even if I yelled a safeword of RED (which is generally stop), he could still hack off my toes.  That is the difference about knowing the risks and knowing the person you are with enough to trust them not hack off your toes.  When you think about it, a safeword isn't going to stop someone from really hurting you if they want.  It still comes down to good old fashion communication which for us, works just as well if not better then a safeword. But if you like the thought of using red, yellow, purple alligator, or even olly olly oxen free - go ahead. Do what works for you. 

Read and explore to figure out what you works for you.  Using a place like Eden Fantasys forums is a great place to start asking questions and read about all sorts of sex positive information even about BDSM.  It is positive sex community to learn more. 


Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

48 Hours Away

We are counting down hours now! We are 48 hours away from when teacup's airplane lands and we get to see her.  I am so beyond excited that I am literally bouncing in my chair as I type this.

I am not sure how much updating I will get done while she is here but maybe some. I just know that both Master and I are thrilled we get to have her here with us. We have lots of fun things planned - vanilla and kinky! yay!

Mixed Bag

Yesterday I was cleaning out a trunk we have in the bedroom but really doesn't get used except to have a quilt draped over it and to deposit clothes after wearing them.  Anyway, I am spring cleaning so decided to open the trunk and see what we had in there exactly and it was the most eclectic mix  bag of things that I found...

• a card from a friend in Ohio - that was from my going away party when I was moving to be with Master
• purses - I am not allowed a purse except for rare occasions. When I moved here, Master made me get rid of all my purses except like 5 of them - and I had a HUGE bin full of them. It was hard to whittle it down to just a handful. 
• a pin that used to blink that says "It's all about me"
• a business card of my attorney in Ohio - when my logo was flashed on the news I went to see to make sure I wasn't going to be getting in trouble
• a receipt from when Master and I met in Cheyenne when I was moving here. He met me there as I was nervous about traveling through mountains so he was basically going to guide me in to Colorado. So we met in Cheyenne - on May 9th, 2003 and when I had left in the morning from my stop in Nebraska it was sunny and warm. Just beautiful spring weather and when I got to Cheyenne in my short skirt and sandals - I had to dig out warm clothes as I was walking through INCHES of thick fluffy snow.  But the reason for the receipt was that I got a flat tire and just made it to the hotel. Master and I then took it to a tire place in the morning as I had something in the tire so they patched it. 
• mix tapes from high school - so 80's music
• old floppy disks - that I believe have naked or at least scantily clad photos of myself
• and last but not least my very first vibrator. It was hard plastic with rubber sleeves. I only have the one sleeve that is on it and I know it doesn't work anymore but I guess I had problems throwing it out. Master said we should put up a little shrine for it with a candle in front of it.  

March Q&A - Rules

What rules do you have to follow?


Oh this question is always hard for me because my rules are so just a part of my life that I often forget what they actually are because they are a way of life now.  Also some thing that might fall more into the how Master trained me to serve him instead of an actual rule.

So thinking of the rules...

• I can't have a coke zero without asking
• I have to ask permission to use the rest room
• I have to ask to eat anything
• During a meal I have to wait for Master to give me permission to eat (usually after he starts eating he will give me permission)
• I have to ask to permission to spend money
• I have to ask permission to do things without him - like if a friend wanted to go for coffee I would have to ask permission
• I have to ask permission if I would want to go out and do something by myself such as going to the library or shopping
• I have to keep Master informed of my emotional, mental and physical health - such if I wake up with a migraine I need to tell him or if I feel sad for some reason even an unknown reason then I need to tell him
• I have to ask to use the phone to call friends and family
• I have to ask to answer the phone when friends and family call
• I have to ask before opening any snail mail
• Master has complete access to every account I have - email, journals, twitter or facebook acounts he can look at anytime he wants
• He has access to not only online journals but offline
• He often lets me plan shopping lists and menus but likes to look over them before anything is set in stone
• I can't wear pants without his permission and it is a VERY rare occasion when they are allowed - such as when I hurt my knee a couple winters ago - I couldn't wear tights which meant I couldn't wear a skirt as it was too cold.  So it was pants. I had to dig through all my stuff to even find my one and only pair of pants. I mean I have lounge pants that I can wear at home but I am not allowed pants when going out of the house and I wouldn't ever wear my lounge pants in public. It would be a what not to wear moment for me :) 
• Before I leave a room, I let Master know what I am going to be doing 
• I ask permission to go take a nap or go to bed at night

I am not sure there is anything else...but as I said above some things might be more things Master trained me to do instead of actual rules. 

I Heart Rope

I was reading the Sexis column by Mollena over on Eden Fantasys titled Got Rope?  When I first was tied up, it was just a very crude way,  neckties from my high school boyfriend's closet that he ended up ruining from how he tied me. But I still remember those feelings associated with it - the feelings of him wrapping them around me, how his hands touched me as tied me up, the feeling of them cutting into the flesh and that I wasn't able to move/escape and was there for him to do what he wanted.  It made me feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed but that in turn made me feel very sexy and extremely turned on.   

Oddly enough I haven't been with people who enjoy rope bondage all that much. I have been tied up by a few Dominants that did enjoy rope but they weren't my regular partner and for me it feels different to me. There is a different connection.  Master enjoys bondage in the form of restraints such as cuffs, chain, duct tape but not really rope bondage. But one year at  Thunder in the Mountain I begged him to go to a rope bondage intro class. He said yes. The class inspired him! Yeah for me! 

It inspired him so much that immediately after the class, we headed to the vendors and Master bought rope. He actually had gotten some rope before the class as he did think of putting me in a harness for the evening. After the class though, he decided he not only wanted a more intensive harness, but the bondage to go down my arms. I remember I very scared about what Master had wear to the dungeon - basically sexy lingerie: a corset top, satin panties, thigh highs and heels.  After we got to the dungeon, Master did a body harness on me. From the neck of the body harness he did bondage down each arm. It was really nice. It was nice to feel it go on - feel Master put it on.  To feel his hands and see his eyes on my body as he put the rope on me.  It just felt completely different energy then it is when it is just someone casual. He then gagged me, collared and leashed me and we walked around watching various scenes going on.  I felt very much like a pretty package wrapped up on display for his pleasure.  I felt more sexy in the rope then anything I had been in that weekend - even though I was still self-conscious. It felt good against my skin and it felt good knowing Master enjoyed having me that way.  Rope bondage made that weekend so very special - giving me amazing memories. 

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Meeting Teacup

It is kind of odd how things have kind of happened with teacup.  It just feels so right and natural.  From the first exchanges to all the moments to now....all have felt right which I know sounds so cliche but it is true.  Before we left for Christmas vacation, I did a post saying I was excited about poly and all these things are odd because in the time we have been exploring poly - it just hasn't happened that way. We have had some things that were nice, felt good, but nothing was really what I would call right to me.

Our initial travel plans to visit my family for Christmas - we discussed flying but as I started checking and watching plane prices go up and up. We realized it was going out of our range so we decided to do a road trip. We love road trips but doing a road trip gave us another thing to look forward too also - and that was we could actually take time to meet teacup. Our initial plans had been to have our first meeting in the new year but meeting her sooner worked for all of us - as we were all excited to meet!

Because it happened fast and some work plans got thrown in the mix Master and I didn't really have a chance to sit down before we went on our road trip to talk about expectations of a first meeting or those of teacups to make sure we were all on the same page. We kind of had to do it in parts along the way.  At least the road always allows for Master and I to have good talks. Master had teacup write out her expectations so we could discuss those and then unfortunately not all 3 of us could talk about it at the same time but he was going to be able to talk to teacup about our talks.

I am a person that at times has to talk about something - the same thing over and over and over and over - rehashing because maybe something isn't being expressed.  I mean it all might sound good in words on the outside but sometimes on the inside my anxieties, insecurities or emotions might be a little off balanced and need some work so saying the same things out-loud over and over and over will help me sort out the inside junk.  Also at times I need to say the same thing over and over and over again because there is that stuff inside that needs to come out and be expressed but I am either having problems expressing it or just even recognizing it in the first place so rehashing the same thing over and over and over helps me recognize and express what is going on inside.  I can tell you because of the rush of work, getting things ready for our trip, the time with family and such - I didn't get to rehash things like I needed so some things got glossed over without recognizing some expectations I had going on that I didn't see upfront.

But overall we did exceptionally well.  Really now several weeks later - looking at it I am amazed that without all the things we didn't talk about - that it did go as smooth for a first meeting such as it.

 So....our meeting....

Teacup arrived at our designated meeting place - the hotel parking lot - before us.  When we pulled in, Master said right away he saw her sitting in her car, really I was nervous but not as nervous as I thought I would be.  We parked next to her and all got out and did hugs. My first thoughts were how pretty teacup is - beautiful eyes that sparkle when she smiles.  We decided on a place to go to lunch  and just get some of the nerves out of the way.

Teacup ordered soup. I had so wanted to order soup too but my first thought was I would spill it on myself and I didn't want to do that when I am just meeting her for the first time.  After she ordered she expressed the same, concern out-loud. I had already ordered but it just made me smile that we were going through similar anxieties.

After lunch we went back to the hotel, checked in and then spent the afternoon talking.  We talked about poly issues - such as if this were to work into a long-term relationship how would it make her feel not being viewed as Master's girlfriend  to local friends and family - as I am viewed (although neither of us are his girlfriend as we don't have the equality going on in our relationships that would be in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship).  But being viewed as a friend.  We discussed many topics and possible issues and just all sort of things while laughing in between.  It was just fun to talk and laugh with her.  It felt good sitting there hanging out.

The hours slipped passed quickly and soon it was approaching dinner time so we opted to just go pick up pizza to bring back to the room.  More talking with pizza. Soon after dinner Master and teacup moved to the adjoining bedroom of our suite as I took care of Domestic Servitude business online in the outer room.

So a background on something with me....with men sex is sex.  I can have a connection with men and have sex with them but most of the time it can just be fun sex with a man and nothing more.  But with women for me....I have to build friendship first and that connection moves to intimacy. Just moving to sex or anything sexual or really intimate such as kissing is hard for me without having that connection in place. Now Master and teacup had much more of an opportunity before our meeting to get to know each other then her and I. So although I felt like we were building a good foundation - we really got along from the first emails, chat and such - I still wasn't to a place of "oh yes lets have sex."  Because also - a lot of that is an in-person thing for me with a woman.  But we kind of all agreed if things felt good we would move into the sexual arena.  Well.... things felt good but I was still not sure I was ready to move there. I knew I wanted to kiss her. I knew that without a doubt and it is a regret that I didn't kissing her more then I did - because I let the issues that did come up block me.

It started with teacup in the middle while Master and I touched her. He was sadistic and I was soft and tender. Master could have been more sadistic with her but I was slightly freaking out - that he was being sadistic with this person who until she met us - was vanilla.  I had a few visions of her having regrets later if he was too rough or sadistic.  This was our first threesome so it was kind of surreal watching Master being sadistic with her - it turned me on to see him touch her and see her reactions but I did as I say have little worries of "oh no he might scare her off with the SM."  But in the end after we all discussed it later - he could have gone further and she would have been PERFECTLY fine with that.  :)

On the same line of thinking she did the same thing with me when he did some breath play on me she worried he might be taking it too far but really he was holding back with me too - as to not scare her.   Discussing it after though really was good for all of us and good learning for us all to see where were at in the pain/play and what we want.  Now I know where her mindset is on the SM - and see that she is a masochist!

So we played with her in the middle and then Master was in the middle and us girls ravished him for a bit before we tried to get some sleep.

There were a couple issues that came up. It was hard that they happened but good we talked about them. It was hard to talk about them and I know I was having problem communicating - my feelings in the situation but we did get them talked through.

In the morning we had some more talking through the issues before getting ready to go pack up and go to breakfast.  After breakfast, we found a park and took some photos of all 3 of us together.  We had tearful goodbyes but with good plans to look forward to our next meeting when teacup comes to visit us.  Because the trip overall did solidify that we all really do care for each other so much that we want to keep moving forward with this relationship.  Everything felt really good together even the hiccups confirmed that because of how we communicated after the issues - felt so good.

I can't wait for teacup to come and spend time with us here in Colorado. To spend time hanging out, making dinner with me, being able to show her our beautiful state, see her explore SM with Master, see how our intimate relationship grows and just every little thing - seems so exciting to think about with her here with us.

Bound to Him

Decided to share this paragraph after I received a comment on it recently ...

He has bound me to Him in a way that can't be measured, weighed or expressed. He has infused my being - binding me to Him with all that is....and now He is a part of me. He invogorates my soul with passion, devotion and dedication to Him. 

7 Year Collarversary

Today marks 7 years as Master's property. I don't have words for it so I will simply say I am very happy to be His. Thank you Master!

don't go out alone + life update

I don't go anywhere without Master. Now I didn't think most of our vanilla friends really knew that or understood it. I guess I didn't think it was so obvious or so apparent. But something happened that kind of brought home to me that they do notice/know....I was walking out of the post office towards the parked car with Master waiting for me. A friend of ours was coming down the street towards me. He immediately looked for where Master was...knew he must be parked near. And then when we neared he said, "I was going to grab you and see how long it took M to get here but then noticed he was closer then I thought."

I know it is a small thing that probably most wouldn't even notice but I noticed it. I noticed how he looked around for Master and the exchange about grabbing me. He obviously knew I don't go anywhere without Master. And I guess I just didn't know that people were aware of it.

Little update also...
I have been really busy with Thanksgiving, Master's parents were here last weekend and now this week we leave to go to the other side of the state. When we get back I am behind I will be swamped as I am so behind on holiday preparations - getting cards out, presents done and mailed. Our tree isn't even up and won't be until probably Sunday or Monday. That is really late for us.

I am trying to keep Domestic Servitude updated with some holiday gift ideas, recipes and such too.

So as always - making excuses why I am not here posting more. And as always I wish I could as I do miss it often.

Teased and Tormented

I was having a conversation with a good friend recently about how it turns me on to see Master masturbate and not be able to touch him. He has several times put me in the cage and then masturbated on the bed. So I could see him but I couldn't reach him. I have a vivid memory of this one time...after he had beat me and slapped me until I was a fuzzy mess he did that. I was of course at that point so dripping wet from the pain and wanting to feel him fuck me hard but instead he roughly pulled me off the bed and shoved me in the cage. And then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was agony mixed with pleasure. I wanted so badly to touch him and feel him in my mouth or cunt but the sounds he was making and just watching his hand wrapped around his hard cock....was making me moan with pleasure. I really don't like to beg but I know I was begging at that point to touch and suck him. But he let me moan and drip. When he had his orgasm, he came over and wiped his cum all over my face and tits. Didn't even get to taste. It was HOT. Just thinking about it now makes me breath hard.

So the other day Master had an afternoon appointment but right before it he took me to the bedroom and put the pvc open mouth hood on me and had me get busy with his balls while he masturbated. It turned me on to hear him...the sound of his hand on his cock. The noises he makes. The smell...of sex. And although I was touching him - still felt like I was being teased and denied...tormented. After Master orgasmed, he got up and took a shower and told me to masturbate. It just felt very much like an object. I wasn't necessary for his pleasure but just added when he feels like using me for his pleasure. Like an after-thought.

The conversation with my friend came about as she mentioned she would like to watch Master and I have sex and I told her no no no....that my fantasy was to be tied to a chair or locked in the closet or cage while he had sex with her. To watch and be teased and tormented by watching them.

I posted a picture on my tumblr recently and wrote about the memory that came with it....basically it is a girl tied up outside a door. And it reminded me of when I was in the poly household and he restrained me. And then went into the bedroom and played and had sex with another one of his slaves I could hear them while I laid on the floor outside the door. It was very erotic not moving and not seeing but only hearing them. When they came out, they walked past me like I wasn't even there.

It has been an ongoing fantasy I play over and over again in my head with Master....of him fucking another. Sometimes I am in the room sometimes I am not. Sometimes I don't know about it until after. And any way I come up with it....it turns me on. It teases and torments me....physically but I can't wait to feel it emotionally too. I know it will feel different with Master.