I'm Coming Out

Is there any way to come out without having the Diana Ross song I'm Coming Out in my head? I don't think so....



Last year when both my Uncle and my former Master died, my depression really took a downward spiral and I sat in my doctors office and started crying. He called in the therapist from down the hall. And since that day - I have been seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for it. It has helped so much not only for my grief but just helped me with other issues I had going on.

I have not outted myself to her about the M/s relationship I have with Master, but I have told her about some of my past relationships - that I enjoyed kink and that I have been poly in past relationships. I also told her I was an escort. But she doesn't know anything about my current relationship dynamic. Master has been in support for me coming out to her about our relationship. But I just haven't been comfortable with it. Although I adore her and trust her to be very open-minded as she has been about everything I have told. I know bottom line if she feels something is harming me she will tell me. And I don't want to hear it if she thinks that some of my problems stem from our dynamic. Yes, we do think that some of my problems do stem from it because of the isolation and the dynamic creating co-dependency issues that cause a chain reaction of other issues such as I now have social anxiety issues that I have always had but now are amplified because of the isolation and because I do everything with Master.

A little history, I have done therapy in my late twenties to mid-thirties. Every therapist I came out to was very uncomfortable with the kink and D/s. It was the reason I stopped going as I felt it was making my relationship with my therapist too uncomfortable and I was sick of feeling judged by it so I stopped going even though I felt I still needed some help to sort through some things.

So there is that little voice sounding off inside me that I might be judged. The hard part is that I like my current therapist so much that I don't want to do or say anything that might hurt that connection I've made with her. While I realize she isn't like any of my past therapists the insecurity remains.

Bottom line, I am so thankful I finally gave in to seeing someone. My doctor had asked me repeatedly over the years if I wanted to go to see someone. I have been on anti-depressants for the last couple of years. So when we have our yearly review of medications, he asks if I want to talk to someone and I've always said no. Too many bad experiences and the feeling of being judged I had to wrangle the thoughts in my head about starting over with my life history with someone new. As it was, it took almost 2 sessions to just do the intake with her.

But with last years events...I needed help. I am so thankful that my doctor pulled in my therapist and I am so fortunate that we've clicked. I mean really instantly I felt comfortable with her and I just started spilling. She made me feel comfortable and she is really good at giving me a perspective that works for me - in a way that makes me be able to see it. She gets inside my head really easily - knows how I tick. It is really amazing sometimes she knows what I am thinking when I feel I am sitting there straight faced but having an "Oh Shit" moment. She knows it too. She has helped me in communicating in difficult situations like with my father who is so hard to talk to - who has a knack for pushing my buttons. It's been incredible how she's helped me in so many ways.

So skipping ahead a bit. Several months ago Master started seeing someone local and it is hard to not talk about it - in therapy. It was hard not mention Master's girl. (I don't have a name to call her in this blog yet - something we will work on though) I've had some issues. Issues I felt my therapist could help me sort through. So with Master's blessing, I came out to my therapist about the poly.

WOW!

She handled it AMAZINGLY!

It was that moment where I wished everyone was like her! Really every issue - the kink, the escorting - she has always handled so well. I asked her if she knew what poly was and she gave me the definition without having to go to a book or to the web. When I had told her about Kam and poly (early on in our sessions), we just went over things briefly. Ever since then I didn't know if she even knew what I meant when I mentioned poly before. I had explained to her that when I moved in with Kam, he was involved with more than one woman with all of our knowledge and consent. I discussed that I enjoyed it but also some of the issues I had with it. I told her towards the end of that relationship, I dated multiple men and women - again with everyone's knowledge and consent.

She told me that whatever is done between consenting adults she felt was fine as long as everyone was okay with it. (Insert gaping mouth expression.) No ridicule, no condemnation, no criticism. Then when I told her about Master seeing his girl, the same thing. No qualms, no judgment, no problem. She has really great views about poly. How I feel she gets it, stems from some of the things she has said to me about poly are the same things I've said to others who have approched me for advice. I guess sometimes it is hard for me to take my own advice, but hearing it from her has been good. She has a different perspective on other things though too, so that helps too to hear another view. She just in general has a wonderful view on poly which makes even more relaxing to open up and share. We had a whole rant one day when we were talking about sex and poly - and she said "Americans are just to uptight about sex."

She has some different views though that just wouldn't work in my dynamic so I've had to just politely nod. Will I out myself someday that I'm in the M/s, bdsm lifestyle? I really don't know. Master says I will. But I do know she has been great about everything else I have told her so part of me thinks she'll get it. Of course there is the other part of me that worries about how all of this will be seen in the big picture. I just know that there have been times when I just sit there looking at her like wow are you for reals? I have lucked out to have such a great therapist and glad I have come out to her about the poly.

March Questions: Before Master

You have been with your Master for 6 years. Were you owned before him? And what was that relationship like? How long were in that relationship? Just give me all the information on it, ok? I know your archives go back further then 6 years, but I haven't had time to get back that far so please forgive me for asking a question I am sure you have went over before.

Now hopefully if I can give a short history...all the way back...

When I was 18, I was first introduced to SM and M/s. I didn't know there were names for it but looking back we clearly had an authority/ownership type dynamic. It wasn't probably the best experience. But I don't regret it either. His name is Don if you run into stories of him in my blog which there are several.

After him, I got involved with my ex-husband and we had I would consider a more traditional type of marriage. I asked him permission before doing many things. I knew my boundaries of what was okay to do without permission and what wasn't. If I were going to make plans with friends, I checked with him first. If I went to Target and saw some cute towels on clearance, I could buy them without checking. There were just some things he didn't want to be bothered with like if I wanted a new shower curtain he was of the opinion that was "a woman's thing" but if I were going to go out and buy a major appliance or piece of furniture he would want to be in on the decision. Like we need more storage in our bedroom so I wanted to get an armoire so he wanted approval on that and went with me. One of my favorite things I did for him was getting up in the morning and ironing his shirt, laying out his clothes, making him breakfast and packing his lunch. It was one of those things I enjoyed doing knowing it helped make his morning easier. We were kinky in the bedroom. I mean we had plain old missionary sex too. But we played with kink too. He tied me to the bed, spit on me, called me names, did breath play and whipped me with hangers, belts, spoons and things around the house. When I was with him, I finally figured out there were words for the type of relationships I seemed to be drawn too. But as soon as I named it - he and I had problems with the dynamic trying to fit into a box of what we read instead of just going along how we had been. We eventually separated. I should state while we were together we did have other problems - one major thing that I will say split us up more then anything but I am know he would disagree.

While separated, I did a long distance relationship with dominant. We met every other month for a long weekend. It gave me enough of a taste of D/s to make me realize I wanted to be owned and serve someone 24/7. And not just on weekends and here and there.

After the LDR, I met Kam online and eventually moved to be with him in his household - the poly household in Ohio. I was owned by him for almost 3 years. And then we continued to have a Daddy/little girl relationship and kinky boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship for another 2 years. We were poly throughout the whole relationship. So anyway I was with him for almost 5 years. I have written quite a bit about the poly relationship. Just click on the poly tag on the side bar.

That relationship is hard to write about for a couple reasons - I know he wouldn't like me writing about it anymore then I have to date....and the other reason personally I just don't feel some things should be shared publicly. But in general...I had many good experiences from it. But at the same time I feel we were a really bad for each other. We had different core beliefs on everything from M/s to politics to just many other things. He had some amazing qualities that of course I was drawn too but again over all we didn't match very well.

I started this journal shortly after I asked for release from being his slave. So after that you will see me trying to flounder through - trying to figure out what I wanted and who I was as person. I went through many short term bad relationship matches. I had some good connections though too but just didn't work into the relationship at the time.

Right before Master contacted me I was in a sadomasochistic relationship. I had been out of town when Master contacted me serving a friend's Owner - which was part of my deal with him basically. I was in service to him during my stay in his home and that is how I was allowed to see my friend - who was his slave. Anyway while there, I did some thinking and knew I was going to need to give up the SM relationship  because he didn't want more than what we had and also I felt he was lying to me. At the time I had been talking to someone online, but we hadn't met and I just didn't feel he was ever going to commit to meeting. So Master contacted me at the right time plus as I have said many times his email to me - was so refreshingly honest that he pretty much won me over in it. I then found out that a mutual friend had told him about me so....made it even better. And as we say....the rest is history....to read about here on my blog.



Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

The Poly Train Wreck

I was chatting with a good friend about poly and although I have some very good memories I have some areas that look like a train wreck waiting to happen. And they did happen.

I have mentioned a few times of being part of a poly family when I lived in Ohio. And I really enjoyed that my Owner had others. But I did have problems with how he handled that at times - at times he handled things really really well but then for some reason every once in a while he would slip into a pattern that really made for negative starts into relationships. Such as he would say he wasn't interested in someone when really he was talking via the phone, im's or email and making plans to be with each other and finally it would come out that he was interested and meeting them. He would have sex with someone and say he had safe sex but later it would come out he didn't so he exposed each of us to everyone that person had slept with -- endangering us. He would cover up some of the bad qualities of someone he was interested in knowing they lied, cheated or just lacked general integrity so that we would accept that person. Those are just a few of the things that was done that never made sense to me.

I don't understood why there is a need to cover things up and lie? We are poly. I liked being poly so what was so threatening to telling us the truth? One excuse I have heard in the past was "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get upset." Okay how screwed up is that excuse? I mean reality is because he didn't say anything now he made the situation 10 times worse. Honesty is the best policy. In my experience when the person lied and covered it up was because they knew that there was something not on the up and up so they didn't want to handle the backlash to that. So saying that I will be upset is an understatement in that case but again --- telling me later, letting me find out on my own or even worse finding out from someone else will make it worse. So he just added upset on top of upset. If he didn't want to upset me, he shouldn't have lied. And now on top of that because he lied, covered things up and cheated (yes you can cheat in poly relationship) - he now created insecurities and lack of trust that will come up for future situations. So he didn't make the situation better by lying. He have screwed up our fun!

During a road trip Master had me tell him about my experiences with the poly family and he during it was shaking his head. He told me he didn't understand how someone could screw up such a good situation. I mean I am sure it is the dream of many dominants out there - being served by many, having lots of naked bodies around that would do anything you say and having sex many many times a day.

And again I had some really good times being part of a poly family. And I do hope that one day possibly Master and I can enjoy having someone else with us.

The Feeling of Golden Showers

I was reading the watersports group on FetLife and it made me think about my very first golden shower.

It was amazing. It was before Master and with previous owner. We really didn't play with limits in place but when I filled out the bdsm checklist I put watersports as something I wasn't really interested in but would do it. And drinking urine I really didn't want to do at all but would because I am a slave. The thought of it though grossed me out and at that time I felt if I never experienced it I wouldn't be missing out on anything (boy was I wrong on that.) But my previous owner liked Golden Showers so I knew eventually it would be an area I experience.

I remember that day so clearly even now. He told me to kneel in the bathtub. I remember being so nervous my legs felt like they were going to give out on me as I climbed into the tub and knelt. My hands were shaking and my teeth were chattering even though I wasn't cold. I was just nervous and scared. I did not know what to expect but I thought it would be gross and degrading. His stream started and I felt the warmth of the urine hit me. I felt these feelings come up. It was like a gush of emotion coming to the surface. And then surprising myself and him - I just instinctively opened my mouth. I felt submissive - deeply submissive in the moment. I was flying. I felt the warmth hit my body....my breasts and stomach and cunt and legs and I wanted to have his taste in my mouth. So I opened my mouth. He looked at me like are you sure you are ready for this and I nodded. And he did give me a taste. And I swallowed. It sent me spinning and flying further. I knelt there shaking now for totally different reasons after it was done. I looked down at my body seeing the urine still dripping down my body. Felt my long hair sticking to my head and body. I couldn't stand. I couldn't move. I just sat there. He started the shower for me and it took me a while before I could stand up and wash.

Since that first golden shower - I have had varying feelings but mostly a calm comes over me as soon as the urine hits my body. But I really believe it is the context of the golden shower that the feelings follow. Another play partner I was involved with right before I meeting Master, made me feel degraded and dirty when he gave me golden showers. To that point in my experiences with golden showers though they never felt that way. He just did it in ways that made me feel like a dirty whore. And that degradation turned me on just as much as that first one turned me on.

The golden showers I have had from Master have been all over - from humiliating to bring me to the calm - and even humorous where we both are laughing and playing. We have pictures of one golden shower he was giving me and it is very obvious I am laughing in them.

Before my first golden shower though I thought watersports would make me feel dirty and degraded but that first one and many since haven't felt that way at all. I felt submission, love, pride. I always feel nervous before they start but most of the time a calm washes over me. I still have problems not having noodle legs after a golden shower - no matter the context of it. They make me weak in the knees and almost always a little spacey.


(previous entry on golden showers -- from Master's view as well as mine. And had some links on the bottom of the entry about golden showers)

Sadomasochistic Desires Fulfilled

From an old journal entry from July 25, 2002 before I was Master's...

I was involved with someone that did not get BDSM and the sadomasochism side of things. He got them as a fantasy but he didn't really do BDSM. He did D/s, M/s and even some domestic discipline. But not SM play. When we were getting to know each other, he always expressed very sadistic fantasies so I assumed he did those things with his other slaves or at least wanted to do those things. But he thought of them as fantasies used to get turned on but not really something that he did (well at first - it did change - after I urged him to pursue it more - but it took quite a while.) So when I was first there I pushed my masochistic desires away. But of course they surfaced and soon...I begged him to slap me. But I still craved more. I wanted something to make me feel it in my core. Which might sound odd that someone could slap me but not flog me, tie me up or other typical BDSM play type things. But I knew him. I knew he had sadistic desires but they weren't typical BDSM play things. So I begged for things I knew he had fantasies about and desired so I could get my masochist desires fulfilled. And he enjoyed it. It sparked that sadistic side so that he wanted to try more typical BDSM type things.

I hate to say this, but I look back on my BDSM relationship and I have done that with most people I have been involved with - play partners to long term D/s - M/s relationships. I assess their limits. And then when it comes time to play and they ask what I desire I tell them things that will be possible for them and enjoyed by them hoping some of my desires get fulfilled. So I guess I manipulate the situation - not that I am getting what I want exactly but that I at least get something I desire - maybe touching my masochism a little. I think part of me doesn't want to express my true desires because I know I won't get them. It has happened so much that I just now go for something that they desire so I am not disappointed. No one ever gets near my limits so just easier to asses their limits and work from them.

I wish I could just find someone that has the same desires as me. To use me and abuse me. I wish that I wouldn't have to "suggest" only things they would desire just to be able to get some masochistic desires fulfilled. I wish I could let all the fantasies out. I wish I could experience SM like I once did....rough, dangerous and on the edge. I hope to feel that blackness envelope me again.

Drinking His Urine

A journal entry from Monday, July 29, 2002

Last night I woke up with a dream......

He was telling me to open my mouth to accept his urine but I shook my head no. He slapped me and told again to open my mouth and accept his urine. I said no. I am not quite sure why my dreams often have me being insolent when in an actually in day to day serving and life as a slave -- I am not insolent at all. Anyway, he then told me I would not get another drink of *anything* that day for refusing to drink his urine. And again I was insolent and just said, "okay fine." I was stubborn and thought going without drinking would be just fine. So of course all day the things he had me eat made me want have a drink. A peanut butter sandwich being one, pasty mac-n-cheese and spicy food. All the while he laughed at me for being stubborn. I tried to put on a sweet smile like it wasn't a big deal but of course he could see through it. But in the end I beg for his urine. Begging for drink. I was allowed to drink. But still was punished for being insolent.

So most of the time when I do dream about being "bad" in a dream - I wake up feeling guilty and upset. But this time I woke up extremely turned on and promptly masturbated myself into endless orgasms.

Sex Meme

I am answering these based on what I consider my firsts. And again this meme is taken from padme amidala.

The first time I heard about sex, I thought it was...exciting. I was very young. And the thought just took my breath-away.

My first experience with self stimulation was...again very young. I don't remember the first time but I do remember at my grandparents house rubbing myself against the the foot board of the bed. It had craving to make it have bumps on it so straddling it and rubbing against it felt good. I also knotted this rope and rubbed against the knot.

The furthest I have ever gone in a parked car was...all the way. All sorts of sex and sm in a parked car.

The first method of contraception I ever used was... condoms.

When a man tells me a dirty joke, it usually makes me...blush. But really depends on the joke.

The first time I had an orgasm, I thought I was...naughty but it felt so good.

The grossest person I have ever shared a bed with was...a client. Consensually grossest was a client when I was an escort that just didn't smell very good and liked to suck my feet -- I hate my feet being touched.

The rottenest thing I ever did to escape having sex was...told the truth that I didn't want to have sex with the person. I could see that it hurt his feelings. But I am not a very good liar.

The excuse I most often hear for not making love is... that I really don't hear excuses from Master - anymore (now that he works at home). When he was doing his other job he was too tired at times. In my marriage -- my ex-husband would tell I was a nympho and he didn't think we should be having so much sex because it was wrong. (shaking head and rolling eyes)

My favorite method of flirting is......hmm haven't flirted in a long time. It is a look...with eyes and smile.

The most I have ever "come on" with a girlfriend's man was... - I haven't. Maybe flirted but nothing more and nothing more then my girlfriend has been comfortable with...at least I hope. I can't think of ever coming on to a friend's man. At least not friends that were monogamous.

I believe I am dressed the sexiest when I am wearing... just an man's dress shirt maybe paired with heels. (the key phrases in this were "I believe" -- I feel the sexist dressed this way. But I know Master's clothing fetishes really don't align with that although this morning I got out of the shower and put on a man's dress shirt and he said that I looked very sexy in it.

If I ever surprised my man in the act of self-stimulation, I would probably... ask him what he wants me to do stay and join in or go.

If I were to describe male sexual equipment in one word, it would have to be...delicious!

The thought of making love to two men at the same time really makes me... umm a bit turned on. :)

If I were to estimate how often I fantasize about making love to a strange man, it would be...not often. I fantasize about Master and then very rarely a past lover but really if it is not Master it is most likely one of my clients from when I was an escort.

If my friends all decided to skinny dip, I would probably...join in - it just depended on the friends.

If my mate and I were sharing a hotel room with another couple who started to make love, I would probably... do what Master wanted. Playing with another couple though could be very fun!

If on a first date the subject of birth control came up, I would...talk about it to decide what we would do if in that situation. And if not brought up I would probably bring it up. I am all about safe sex!

While making love to my mate, I sometimes fantasize about... nothing because I am usually just enjoying the moment - the feelings and sensations.

If a stripper gave me the opportunity to remove his/her last piece of clothing I would...take my time and enjoy the moment.

If I were to wear a costume to make love, I would dress as...a naughty schoolgirl

If my lover agreed to wear a costume of my choice before making love, I would choose...a police uniform or military uniform not even dress just everyday.

The wildest sexual aid I have ever used was... nothing that wild...at least to me. I think most of my sex aids have been pretty "normal" things that people try out - cucumbers, candles, handle of paddle or brush, shampoo bottle. I have used ben gay, breath drops, toothpaste and mouth wash too.

The most pleasure I have ever had with a foreign object was...shampoo bottle - just the circumstances surrounding it made it very exciting and pleasurable.

The last sexual request I refused was..., I believe a blow job because I couldn't breath due to allergies (and didn't really refuse just gave Master the facts and he changed things up then).

The last sexual request someone refused me was...probably before Master or when we were first together and he denied orgasms.

The thought of making love during pregnancy makes me... glad I am not pregnant.

The thought of making love during "that time of the month" leaves me... with mixed feelings. I am incredibly turned on but at times the thought of sex when I am bleeding heavy just doesn't sound like fun.

My favorite fantasy involving a hot tub is... that I really don't have fantasies involving hot tubs. Just regular bathtubs well...of course I do.

My favorite fantasy involving a romantic location is...being up in the mountains in a cabin/condo with a fire going in the fireplace. Sipping wine and just having a nice romantic evening with Master.

My favorite fantasy involving a famous man is... or has been about Joseph Gorden Levitt because of that GQ layout. And any of the poses he did with Claudia I would be happy to do.

My favorite fantasy involving a man I know (who isn't my mate) is...replaying some experiences with clients when I was an escort.

My favorite fantasy involving a woman I know is...replaying experiences with a past lover or two.

The last time a man tried to pick me up was...hmmm I don't know....does online count? I had a weird mix up with my business cards and the man was obviously trying to pick me up.

My favorite fantasy involving sex in a public place is...again replying experiences I have had in public places.

The most public place I ever made love was...in the car at a drive in movie theater. I mean the most people around. But I have had sex bent over the hood of the car a few times too but that has been at times when it would highly unlikely to run into people.

When I finally lost my virginity, I was....16 (consensually lost my virginity). I was tied up and spanked too!

I think the maximum number of men I am physically capable of making love to in a single day is... quite a few. When I was younger it was even more. But I think probably 4. When I was an escort, I had sex with 3 clients in one day (I actually didn't like more then 1 but did do 2 at times). And then came home and had sex with a lover too. I have also had sexual intercourse with one man about 10 times in a 24 hour period. When I was young, I participated in what is called a train....one guy after another. And there were probably about 8 to 10 guys. But that wasn't completely a great experience (longer story then I have brain power for right now.)

I really like having a tongue stuck in my...in my mouth.

I really hate having a tongue stuck in (between) my...toes but I also am not a fan of tongue in my ear.

To Tell or not to Tell?

kaya posted about telling your doctor you are into SM. And I am totally in agreement with her post and wrote something similar several years ago....this is also on our website.

I always try to be honest and forthright to my doctor. I tell them I engage in consensual SM. I tell them if they have any questions or concerns to please let me know. A doctor provides a service so if I don't feel comfortable with their reaction, comments or questions then I thank them for their time and go to another doctor. I don't want to put my health and well being in the hands of someone who might lead me the wrong way just because of their personal objections, morals or religious beliefs. I try not to go in with extreme bruising, marks or cuttings because I don't want to shove it in their faces to the point of uncomfortableness. But I have gone in with bruises at times and most of the time now my doctors will ask if it is play. And if I say yes they drop it and move on.

Two doctor stories....I had a pap smear appointment and it was one of those where I had canceled it a few times...not because of bruises just for daily life things getting in the way. I then realized I just couldn't put it off any longer. The problem I had a bruise. One that would be noticed during a pelvic examine as it came from a strap on. The dildo was held to the strap-on with a metal ring and during sex the ring kept hitting the bone right at the top of my mound. It left a fairly large bruise plus a knot under the skin. So I bit the bullet and decided to go through with it anyway. I got in the stir ups and right away he saw it. He said to me...."Do I want to know how you got this bruise?" I said, "probably not." He smile, nodded and then went on to just give me my pap.

The next scenario is one that another reason I am out to my doctor. I had been playing pretty heavily sexually. My partner tried to fist me but I ripped. I tried to treat it but a day or so later something happened that caused it to rip further.** It wasn't healing properly so I had to go doctor and tell him exactly what happened so that he could properly treat it. I explained it and really I am thankful I was out to him because although that injury doesn't sound all that bad - it was in hard place to "heal" so he was able to help me in a way I wouldn't have known without going to a doctor. He didn't give me a lecture. He didn't act mortified. He was kind and professional. And that is how it should be when you have come out to your doctor. Because I came out to him ahead of time also I think eased the situation so that he was fully confident it was 100% consensual.

** So want to know the embarrassing little tidbit of info I left out of that post and that I shared with my doctor. I was fisted and then a couple days after I was wearing a pair of thong panties. I sat on the edge of the bed but the mattress had moved so it was hanging off the edge. I hadn't seen that so when I sat down my bottom slipped off. My thong panties wanted to stay where I was so...pulled up...and ripped me more....basically clear to my anus. And yes I am admitting this to all that read...good thing you can't see my face. And I was that embarrassed when I told my doctor, but as I said above he was kind and professional and really did need to know all the information. It took me several weeks actually to heal completely and even then I wasn't ready mentally to have intercourse because of the pain while healing.

Diary of an Old Guard Slave

When I read To Love, To Obey, To Serve the first time I was very bitter about M/s. I thought there wasn't anyone out there that really did what they said. And in reading To Love, To Obey, To Serve...I became even more angry. I was angry because I read some of my life experiences into the book. And hear that Vi Johnson was saying this is how she served - this was being a slave - and I got mad*. I didn't want it to be -that- way. To put needs aside....health, sleep, and sanity aside for the Owner. Because in her diary she often does all of those things....she puts her slave "duties" above basic needs at time. (*of course Vi doesn't really say that was what being a slave was about...but she said that time period slaves did love, obey and serve often blindly and that is how I felt I served often too.)

I was angry reading the book because so much of it brought back things of when I was a slave in the poly household. There were never enough hours in the day for me to get it all done. I often didn't eat because I had to find a way to feed 6 people 3 meals a day on hardly any money so if I didn't eat then maybe I could make a little of dinner go for his lunch the next day. As time went on the household - things changed people came and left and came and left. Eventually there weren't as many to feed so I eat and ended up gaining weight. But also by this time was very burnt out and severe depression had set in. I thought of killing myself entered my mind often. I knew I wouldn't but the thought was there. So why not leave? Because I had this sense of duty that also I related to in Vi's book. That you serve above everything else - it was the duty of a slave. And I felt that. I felt I needed to do this thing that I set out to do. I said I would be his slave....and he claimed me as his so that was that for me. It was my duty to put serving him first....in whatever ways necessary...and blindly often too.

I started out in the lifestyle as Don's slave - not knowing there were words for the feelings I had - for the dynamics we had - I just knew I was his...and I was to obey and please him. I then went to my husband where I was a wife and well I was taught that a wife pleases her husband. She didn't always have to agree with him, she could voice her opinion but what he wanted was the bottom line. While married I found there were words and a whole lifestyle dedicated to the power dynamics that I had been doing pretty much in every relationship. And so I went in basing things on how it had been for me always. And obeying and serving no matter if I was tired, no matter if I didn't agree, no matter if I was sick or had other things I wanted to do -- that didn't matter - my duty was to obey and serve. Period.

When I was introduced to the the world of D/s & BDSM it was from online and of course that was a whole different set of rules...SSC...safewords...saying no were all involved. And I felt very confused. I struggled against what was said online and what I had always done. And when I entered the poly household I struggled between the two. I did things that I wasn't always proud. And then I would get upset with myself and then serve until I was so tired that I physically and mentally crashed.

I never had to do the kind of work Vi did but I still related to it. Fairly early in the book she is suppose to get all these things in their house remodeled and built in an impossibly short time so her Mistress can throw a party. A party that started out for 50 and ended up being for 300. During the preparations her Mistress keeps piling things on. She doesn't notice that Vi is not sleeping or doesn't seem to care that Vi is doing cocaine to keep going. I never did drugs to keep going but I did have only a few hours of sleep at times just to get everything done. It wasn't uncommon for me to have just laid down after going all day long to be called out make a sandwich for him at 1am even though there were 2 or 3 other slaves sitting up watching TV or being online right there within yards of him. And yes that bothered me at times. But I still made the sandwich and served it to him - making sure his glass was full and that anything else he might need was right there for him before I went back to bed. And if I would have laid down and been called to serve in another 15 minutes (which did happen a few times), I got up and did whatever he wished. And most of the time I would say I could do it without being annoyed and letting that attitude slip through.

From the book: "I helped Jean do a scene with Shawn tonight at the Beverly Hill Wilshire. A well deserved dinner came after. I haven't done a scene with Jean in so long. I confess that I was bit envious. Ah well, that the breaks of slavery. Maybe my time will come soon, I could sure use some play."

In the poly household, I wasn't played with often, but the others were so I at times felt very envious. And at the same time I was happy he was getting pleasure.

Another entry Vi talks about how her and her Mistress met with another lifestyle couple. And Vi is looking forward to it because she is hoping to have another slave to talk to and give her advice about the struggles she has within her slavery. She meets the woman..."...our lifestyles are completely different. Georgette and her husband play once a week. She is chained at night and lives more in the style of a love slave....Georgette can't understand most of the things I do or why I would ever do them."

I got this a lot too. People not understanding why I was doing the things I did in service.

"I join a long list of things that belong to you and I find comfort being on that list. Stereo, car, house, jewelry, slave.....these things are all yours to amuse you, to be used by you, kept or discarded as you see fit or by your whim. I hope that I am not discarded."

I often found and also currently find comfort thinking of that too...that I am just property.

In rereading the book I am still feeling some old feelings of annoyance of Vi's owners. I relate to things she writes even in my present relationship with Master although Master is far from the dominants that Vi had....Master would notices when I am not sleeping or eating. I at times serve in such a way that my needs are put on the back-burner because to me life...includes sacrifices at times - in the lifestyle or vanilla. As I said though Master notices and makes sure that I do take care of myself in the end. Over all the feelings Vi gets from service - the devotion, the love...I relate to very much.

I am not done with the re-read of it...not even a 1/3 of the way through it yet but I was asked by a few people if it is a good book to read.

I do recommend this book. It is not a pretty look at slavery. You won't see a leather clad dominant beating his/her slave every moment of the day. You see life...cleaning, making arrangements for meetings, paying bills....working hard and serving hard in very mundane everyday way of life. But the emotions...the emotions of what she feels when she has served well....when she was scened after not having that pain in a while....and many other situations are very real emotions that I think almost every slave can relate to.

Past Memories Fading....

The 31st of December is another one of those dates that I hoped I would heal from one day. Each year with Master my memories of that date don't seem so hard and don't haunt me as they once did. It even was to the point....that this year they didn't haunt me at all...and I didn't even think about them on the 31st. It was tonight when I realized it had passed without thought. I came and told Master and he said he remembered and watched for signs of it bothering me. And he is happy that those memories aren't hurting me as they once did.

I have passed several of those kind of dates in 2006 that are an after thought now. And that makes me feel really good!

Keepsake, Upkeep, Keep Up....

OMG Ebay is horrible! LOL Very addictive just looking at it!

I have mentioned my house ornaments* a couple times I believe. Well today I was packing up Christmas decorations** and decided to write down which of the ornaments I am missing....only 2 as I thought. I went to ebay, after quite a lot of searching, found both. One being more expensive then the other. After further research tonight I found out that one ornament I am missing is the highest valued one in the set and now valued over $300. The other one I am missing is more available then the first one I am missing. And priced under retail on ebay but worth just a little more then retail at this time. I have some Christmas money so am thinking of getting the 2 I am missing.

I talked to my Mom today and I mentioned a few things that I didn't really realize that I had never told her but it should have been a duh! She took it reasonably well on the surface but I wish I wouldn't have told her as I know it upset her. It is over and done long ago but she will fret about it again. My ex husband sent her a box of stuff several years ago - the year he was remarrying - and she has always meant to send it to me. She came across it again and is going to send it to me. I do hope it has some missing Christmas stuff from childhood. If it doesn't then that means, they were things that got smashed by someone I was involved with once upon a time. He threw the Christmas tree against the wall knocking it into a table - both ornaments and Christmas decorations were broken beyond repair. And that is what I said to her. And she was clearly upset that person did that to my Christmas things. Obviously I was too - but that is in the past and I can't fix the things he broke. After I realized I upset my Mom, I got upset. Master wasn't home so when he called I pretty much broke into tears and he told me it was okay wished he had been home when she called. He came home soon though and gave me lots of hugs.

Let's see...what else....not sure if there is anything. Master has been crazy busy and that isn't going to let up this month but perks of working from home is at least when crazy busy I get to see him more then when he worked his previous job.

* I have these hallmark keepsake Christmas tree ornaments that are little houses and shops. I don't put them on the tree I set them up as a little village and have trees that I got from things that get for train set scenery

** usually take decorations down the 7th of January but we found out we are shooting a wedding this weekend and so I know I won't have time this weekend and Monday I am sure I will want to crash after running around and being around so many people all weekend

Question 1 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

As a child, what did you imagine your life would be like when you grew up?

I don't think I had one idea of it. I know as a small child I used to create these stories of living in big household with more then one wife (not sure where I got that idea at as it was never mentioned in our household). As a child I knew I wanted to do something creative...architecture, interior design, fashion design, dancing, writing, painting....anything in the arts.

As a teenage girl I often day dreamed of being in NYC and being an artist. I never thought of being married and having kids. It was always me alone - which is odd since I went from a child having fantasies of a big household with several wives and kids to being totally alone. I also dreamed of serving as a teenager. It was kind of Story of O type of feeling to it. Where during the week or for a few weeks I would be doing my art - having art showings and such and then weekends or holidays I would be whisked away to be a servant and sex slave. I don't recall reading Story of O though until I was married so not sure where I got that thought from! But it was always nice to masturbate to as a teenager!

What are some of the dreams/goals you hope to accomplish in your life?

I don't create solid goals really. Like I want to save x amount of money before I am 40. Or I want to have such and such accomplished before fall. My goals/dreams are more organic. I know there are things I want to accomplish but I let them kind of find their way on there own. Or some goals are a lot of internal work - that just kind of simmer on the back burner for a while and all of sudden months go past and I realize that I accomplished it even though it wasn't an active thought of I will spend 2 times a week on this goal.

I have always been this way. I often find if I set a goal with an end date I sabotage myself so it is better for me to let it be organic. The only goals that are less like that are the ones that Master wants me to do - those at times have end dates and of course I try hard to always meet that goal and date on time.

Slavery/Service - I always want to keep pushing myself in my slavery and service to Master too. I always think I can be better at it. I realized just recently that last September (after the Servant's Retreat) I made some slavery/service goals that I never verbalized outloud for fear of self-sabotage - anyway when I was thinking about them recently - I realized I accomplished all of them - not always easily but I did accomplish them. And now I am going to start working on phase 2 of them.

Spiritually - This is a goal have on going that I never seem to create enough time. I feel often I am still trying to search on what my beliefs are....because I pull from lots of different places. And so I would like to make those beliefs more solid. I also want to be able to combine this one and the above slavery/service one more often then I do. I combine it a lot as I used meditation as a part of rituals to center myself and focus on getting through hard situations in my slavery. But it still isn't to where I would like it to be.

Art - One goal/dream is to keep pursuing my art. I don't ever want to let it be dropped or pushed to the side again. I want to keep myself on top of it. One active goal is of selling my art.

Family - In the last year I have missed my family more then I ever have. I guess I find myself wanting to create lasting memories and spend more quality time with them. So it is goal that I have on going.

Hobbies - I really want to learn to do several new things - knitting is one of them! And I don't have a goal really in mind but I do dream about it often!

Health - This is another area I always seem to fall short on. I do have long term goals of losing weight - exercising (blahhhh) and being more healthy over all. I love food. I love to cook and bake. And to top that all off...I am an emotional eater. So it is a hard area for me. And so again one goal is to be more healthy.

Migraines is something I am always working on too. And I just recently was chatting to a friend whose mate is a doctor. She feels her partner can help me with some natural remedies for my migraines. So that would be great! Plus she is a gyno so the link between my migraines and menstrual cycle might be something she would have insight on. I am hoping. *crossing fingers*

5, 10, 15, 20, 25 Years.....

Because I am a sheep....a Friday Five (on a Sunday Morning for me)

5 years ago - I was poly and so just started playing with someone new, still involved with Kam, and had just bought plane tickets to see Honey. I was doing a job I loved.

10 years ago - Things were going good....Jim and I were kind of doing D/s and kink. I worked for a cable company which was actually more fun then not. I always got a lot of cool promotional gifts from HBO, USA, CNN and such.

15 years ago - Jim and I were just about to celebrate our 6 month wedding anniversary....being the romantic he was...he sent me flowers. It was a weekend when they were delivered and Jim was in the apartment. I had walked across the hall to change out our laundry. He sent the delivery guy there....the guy walks in and asks if I was Mrs. ----- I said yes and he handed me the flowers. I had totally forgot about it being 6 months but Jim remembered. I was stunned with the flowers also as we were pretty darn poor then...you know that first year of marriage cliches -- we fit them perfectly. So it was an unexpected pleasant romantic surprise

20 year ago - well things had just ended with Don and actually the anniversary of my first date with my ex-husband is on Feb. 20th

25 years ago - can't tell you for sure but I know I was in junior high and migraines started and I found a friend that I still have today -- she is funny and wonderful!

Q&A about Don

I have been getting quite a few questions about the Don posts so I thought I would post some of them here in case others have wanted to ask but have been too shy. Really I am open to questions on this....so don't worry you will be upsetting me or intruding.

How do you feel about posting about all this for everyone to read?
I don't mind posting it for everyone to read. For the most part blogging is so a part of my life now that it feels like just a natural place to write about that time in my life. I have gotten all sorts of comments and emails about it...every thing from they can't believe it - to they get turned on - to they can't wait for the next part - to they are angered I went through this and so on. I don't want people to feel sorry for me though and that is what seems to happen the most. That is why I try to state often that this is a relationship is a part of me...because those experiences made me who I am today.

How do you feel after you post each entry?
Well depends on when you ask me. If I would have been asked this question a week or two ago I would have said I have dealt with all of this long ago. So for the most part it is kind of just ho-hum. But I have to confess last weekend I did have a little freak out about it. I worried that Don might read what I wrote and see that I am talking about him and I and possibly contact me. And that thought freaked me out quite a bit.

I have dealt with what I write about though. I went through the anger, shame, guilt, resentment, denial - oh the denial, depression, the flashbacks, the therapy and the acceptance. The acceptance has went through lots of changes in and of itself too. I accept it much differently today then I did 10 years ago. I think of it and write it with a much different attitude then I would have a 5 to 10 years after the event. I accept my responsibility in this. I accept that what he did turned me on and felt like a place I needed to be. Not all of it was good and I probably should have left before it ended but I didn't so I accept that I did stay. I accept these experiences made me the person I am today. That time in my life taught me a lot about myself.

What are your feelings about what happened to you?
I kind of answered that above but I will get into it a little more. After the relationship ended, I tried to pretended that it didn't happen. I was not quite sure of my place in the world after he and I broke up. At that point I had heard that "people don't do that" and "it is wrong" and so I felt "bad" for liking parts of my relationship with Don. Also by the end I was so mixed up...not knowing what was okay for me and what wasn't...I just lumped it all into "bad." I also had all this structure and someone always there in my life and then I didn't.....so I was lost. I had lost my confidence and self-esteem at the end also. So I pushed the whole experience down further and pretended it didn't happen. Finally I started suppress it where I forgot most of it for quite a long time. It was like it was there but locked up in a big box -- so that I didn't think about it, feel it or acknowledge it happened to me.

Then one night a long long time after it happened (about 7 or 8 years)....I started getting nightmares. I would wake up screaming. At that time I was married - to my now ex-husband and he would ask me what the nightmares were about and I couldn't tell him. I saw them clearly in my head but I didn't want to say it outloud. But soon it was hard not too. I had to admit it outloud. Flashbacks, nightmares and insomnia because I was scared to sleep and get nightmares became constants in my life. I became very scared and angry with Don after I admitted I lived that life. As the nightmares continue I realized I was very turned on by the things he did to me. I would wake from nightmares and be very aroused. I felt guilt because of that. I was in therapy at the time and so we discussed it all - the guilt, shame, anger and fear. We dealt with it very much as a rape survivor - at that time. And from how I was feeling about it then...that is what how I viewed myself - a rape survivor. It took me years to not feel anger, fear and guilt about it on a constant basis. I didn't tell my therapist all of it. She never heard most of what I wrote here. I told her about several things I haven't written about yet. And that was it. I have problems - today - calling myself a rape survivor. I just don't know if that is accurate because I feel there was consensual non-consent going on in our relationship --- even though I didn't know that at the time....so there wasn't really consent but there was in the questions he asked me....such as if I would do anything for him...I answered yes. So I did give him consent. But I don't know if I really knew what could happen or what that meant when I said it. Again I own up to my responsibility. I should have asked more questions. I could have done things to slow it down or stop it and I could have left but I didn't. I get confused if I think on it too much. I go by what I feel when I think of it now -- today.

And today I just feel this was part of my path. If I had not met Don I might not have figured out about the masochist side of me as well as the slave part. Granted I wish some things would have gone differently, but really we take out his gambling the things that happened in the relationship I enjoyed. I was his slave even without knowing the word that described what it is that I did with him.


How could you be happy in that situation?
I was happy in that situation up to a point. I loved the control he had over me. I know I have not talked much about the daily control but there were little things all day long that reminded me I was his. And I loved that. I loved all the little things that made his life easier by me doing them - laundry, cleaning his room, getting him drinks and such. I loved the sex and SM. Even the SM that was harsh and more extreme. I loved feeling like this object he could use. Why? Well the why I stopped trying to figure out a long time ago. I just know it makes me feel good and turns me on.

In my relationships before Don, I was used. I was used just for sex so what was wrong with being in a relationship where I got more attention, where I got more pleasure, where I was able to express my sexual desires more easily and freely without fear of being rejected. Don gave me so much more then I got in the other relationships.

I should write about some of the times where I think those reading would see more positives...even though I don't think what I have written so far is negative -- I do understand it is more extreme then some can understand or accept as a good thing.

Would you do it again, knowing what you know now?
I go back and forth on this one. Part of me says yes in a heart beat. And the other part says no. But then I fear I wouldn't have found out about this side...ever. Maybe?

Being brought to the lowest I was even in the bad times --- excites me. I crave those moments with him often still...being absolutely nothing...humiliated and degraded to that level makes me extremely turned on. So although I left broken in ways, I sometimes crave the feelings I got when I was humiliated and degraded to the depths of my soul.

If you could get to where you are today without doing this, would you skip it next time around?
If I could be with Don without him gambling, I would want to repeat it and not skip it. But again part of me just feels it was necessary for me to be with Don all the way through -- even the bad parts --- that it was a part of my life that I can't just wave away and make me become this person. I know that probably sounds very strange...why I would subject myself to him again knowing what I know now...and if I could get here without him. I just guess the realistic side me kicks in and says well that can't happen so why bother with the whatif of it -- I got here and survived and I am who I am because of it. Also just to be clear....I am not saying Don's "abuse" made me masochist or submissive. I am just saying he made me realize there was more inside me and that I could be that person.

Do you think you will stop doing the history posts?
I don't plan on stopping the posts but I do see them going up and down in frequency. But it is my goal to get the whole story out once and for all. I have thought I might be boring people with all this and so give breif thought every once in a while about just writing them but not posting them or post them private just for Master and I on livejournal. But it does seem like some of you out there want to read them. So thank you for reading and thank you for your comments!

How long did it take you before you left? And what was Don's reaction?
I wasn't with him all that long actually. 3 months 13 days. He broke up with me. A friend of mine felt Don was abusing me. One night he went and had a conversation with Don -- later that night Don broke things off with me. I became very lost and actually begged him to take me back a few times but he didn't. I don't know exactly what the friend said to him but I know whatever it was Don was not backing down from being apart. Shortly after I ended up with my ex-husband. And I also know Don got help for his gambling problem shortly after the relationship ended.

Do you think he has continued on now that WIIWD is more widely known to the internet? Do you think he is involved somewhere?
Since I continued to work in the same place as him for quite some time after I always would hear about him and the things going on with him. He started dating a girl while he was with me that his parents "approved of" and he got engaged to her. I then stopped working there but had friends who worked there after I left that told me Don and the girl did get married, eventually he finished med school and moved back to where he was from.

Sidenote: She also has the mirror that Mike gave me. Don gave it to her as a gift.

I can't see her liking SM or D/s. So, if he is involved it would be through affairs as I also can't ever see him being monogamous. I guess it is possible he is out here on the internet and doing what we do. I guess I have tried not to think about it. I did go through a whole phase of what if he is with someone else and does what he did with me with them....had the guilt. But it really started hurting me - where I was going through a self-destructive phase because of the guilt that he might hurt others. My hope now is if he is out there that he is 1) not gambling 2) knows more about D/s and SM and so is doing it in a more consensual way.

Please feel free to drop me an email or comment with any other questions you have about Don and my relationship with him.

History: Don & Mike - Part 4 (b) - Punishment

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

Also just a reminder that although he is someone I would never want to be with again -- it doesn't change that I am the person I am because of these experiences. It was my choice to stay.

I snuggled into his arms and he told me that I would have to be punished for the orgasm. I nodded and started to cry. He told me he would push me harder then he had up to this point. I nodded again, continued to cry and then told him how sorry I was for the orgasm. He sat and talked with me how he had thought about not punishing me but that he had said he would and so he felt he needed to follow through. We talked, kissed and snuggled for a bit before he got ready to punish me.

He had this bar stool that was shaped that a person could straddle it as they sat on it...almost like a bike seat. It also was just the right height that when I put my feet down as I straddled it....my toes could reach the floor. He pulled it into position under the hooks in the ceiling. He also pulled out a piece that slipped on top of the stool seat. It had little tacks on it....points facing up towards the ceiling. He told me he made it just for me and got this look in on his face that sent shivers of fear down my back. He pulled me to him and kissed and told me that he wanted my cunt to be ripped up. He almost growled it out as he said it. It was said with more of a sadistic tone then I had heard from him before. I felt the fear shake through me. It was the first time with him that I had that level of fear. And with the fear came arousal. He said, "straddle it now." I sat down on top of the tacks. They poked into my tender bits. I was about to panic...I felt it starting to wash over me...when he grabbed me by the throat and squeezed...he looked into my eyes before kissing me deeply. I became even more aroused and more calm again.

He did some wraps with the rope around my wrists and then strung them up above my head - through the hooks on the ceiling. He then put nipple clamps on me with a rope hanging from the chain that ran between them. He strung the rope up to the hooks and pulled them tight too. He had me lean up more so that my ass was coming out on the edge of the stool and my labia was opening up more and pressing into the tacks. I felt some of them pricking into my flesh and thought it had to be piercing skin....it hurt and I felt tears start to well and he really hadn't started with the "beating." He grabbed my panties that I had been wearing....the ones that were soaked with my arousal with Mike earlier. He stuffed some of them into my mouth.

And then it started...he picked up the cane and hit my ass....not hard really at all. But hard enough for me to have a little movement along the tacks. I yelled into the panties because it felt like they were ripping me as I moved along them. He continued...and not only was my labia having pain shoot through it but the clamps would also move as he caned me so they would sear with pain also. He continued to cane me....harder and harder. I was screaming into the gag. He just continued caning me. I felt like I was going crazy the pain was so intense. The fear from the pain was making me move to get away but that just made the situation worse. The tacks ripped into the inner labia, clit and around my urethra. I shook my head no screaming inside for him to stop as it hurt so much….he laughed at me. I was crying and hysterical with fear and pain. I tried to keep still and not move but it wouldn’t work when he caned me I moved. And soon I lost it again and shook and moved. I was pulled on the rope trying to get my hands free and as I did that the clamps pulled off my nipples, which of course was another addition to the pain happening to my body. He came in front of me and grabbed me by the hair and looked at me. He looked so angry. He then slapped me and told me all the little things I believed inside….that I deserved it and that I was lucky he wanted someone like me. And so on. He spit on me and then said that I was lucky to be having his attention and then he went back to caning me. His caning got so hard that it opened up the skin. I felt it. I felt the blood dripping down my legs. And soon the pain was so much that I couldn’t handle it….l passed out. It wasn’t the same as before….it wasn’t a warm blackness surrounding me and me sinking in. It was pain such pain that my mind and body couldn’t handle it so I passed out.

When I awoke I was in his closet on the floor. I felt as though I couldn't move. My body hurt so much. I tried to remember how I got to the closet but couldn't remember it for several moments. And then it flooded back. I started crying..mind raced with why did I let this happen to me. I didn’t want to feel the cuts on my body….between my legs and on my ass and thighs and I felt I would lose it again. I sat there and cried silently in the dark on the floor of his closet.

It didn't occur to me to open the door. I feel asleep again while I cried. I woke because I hurt. I tried to find a position that didn’t hurt but it seemed impossible. It was dark and I didn't know what time it was...and I needed to go the bathroom. I started to cry not knowing what to do. It was a hard floor but I had a towel that as lying on me when I awoke so I folded it over a few times and sat on it....and peed on it and myself. It hurt so much. It stung, ached and hurt more then anything I had ever felt. I started crying...from fear then....fear of what was done to me…the unknown of what might be.

I think I was crying so loud that he heard me and then opened the door. He squatted down before me. He saw the towel and smelled the urine. He laughed. "My dirty whore." He called me more names and how I was probably so worthless right now that he wouldn’t be able to fuck me. He brought me out on to his bed. And opened me. He was looking over the cuts, scratches, marks, and bruises. He asked me if I was his to do anything too. I cried and nodded to scared to know what to do. He slapped me and said say it. I told him I was his to do anything he wanted too. He then told me he was going to fuck me again. (I later found out that after I passed out he continued to cane me - taking me down and caned my tits and front thighs plus he fucked me so I was pretty literally covered in bruises head to toe.)

He told me that I would not scream during it. That I would enjoy it like a good girl. He had me suck on him a bit and then entered me fast and hard. It hurt so much right from the start. I felt tears well up right from the enter. And tears turned him on. He fucked me harder. As he fucked me he whispered in my ear how I was just this object for his use to beat, fuck, use, abuse…that I was his toy, maid, slut, whore….his nothing. It was the first I heard the words nothing. Being fucked hurt so much that I didn’t have a moment to think about what he was saying. It just seemed to climb right into my brain and say yep we fit perfectly here….she is a nothing. I am not sure how else to describe it that it just became so with him. He uttered it and I became it. And also at the same time there was a part of me that said this is wrong.

He continued to fuck me and it hurt so much that I was biting my lips to not scream. He finally grabbed a pillow and shoved it into my face. He came. After he had me clean him off and there was blood. I started to cry and he just slapped me and said to clean him off. I licked him clean. And then he told me he was hungry and to go get ready to go out.

I went to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror...my tits were black with red and purple. My ass looked black…no real other colors. There were blood spots scattered all over my body. I looked down and saw scratches and cuts on my pubic bone/area. I was scared. And I looked….and cried. But as I cried even though I didn’t “like the pain” there was part of me that was getting aroused by looking at…my used and abused body and I was scared at the same time that I let someone do this to me. Even as I thought of the fear during it…I felt the wetness grow. I heard his words over and over in my head that he could do anything to be because I was his nothing. And it made me want to crawl to him and kiss him and thank him.

I took a shower and we went to eat. He told me he wanted me to spend the night so I called my Mom and Dad and said I was going to go sleep at so and so’s house. They said okay. So Don and I ate but I was in obvious pain. Every thing…hurt…clothing on my body hurt…movement hurt. He bought me several strong drinks to help numb me. And they were making me very lightheaded. So he thought we should leave. We did and soon as we got back to his place he had me undress. And he told me to get in the closet again. I was out of it…and just crawled back in. No questioning. Not objecting. Not begging for him not too. No wondering what I would do if I had to go the bathroom again. Nothings don’t think of those things. I just did what he told me to.

Before he locked the door he had thrown me a towel again and also little throw type blanket. He joked that he might have to get a litter box for me. Soon I was asleep in the closet. I slept hard. I was so tired – physically, emotionally and mentally. But after a while I awoke to noises from the room. I looked through the keyhole and there he was having sex with someone. I watched them and got wet. After they finished I fell asleep again.

I awoke with the door opening….

To be continued…

History: Don & Mike Part 4 (a)

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

The day was another short day for me at school and it was for Mike as well but Don had quit a few things going on. So told me that I would study with Mike after classes. I did masturbate as he instructed and almost went over all 3 times, as I was getting really turned on by the denial even.

I missed seeing Mike the day before and was really anxious to see him again. I arrived at his door nervous like it was our first date. All the butterflies were because I liked him more then I knew I should like him. I opened the door and there he was in his jeans and t-shirt....bare feet...hair was wet. He had just got out of the shower just minutes before I arrived. On the bed was a box with a bow. He noticed I saw it and told me it was for me. He picked it up and handed it to me. Inside was an old ornate compact mirror. It was silver with porcelain inlay that was painted with kind of art nouveau flowers design. On the inside - there was a mirror on one side and on the other side there was inscription that was worn in places that you could barely read it. And to tell you the truth I don't remember the inscription now. I just remember it being about beauty and nature. It bothers me I don't remember it. But I didn't get to hang onto it very long.

I cried when I saw it. I couldn't believe I was getting such a beautiful gift. I asked him why and he said that he was proud of all the hard work I was doing preparing for biology. And that he had saw it and thought of me. I cried more. And told him that he shouldn't have...that it was too nice for me and on and on. He brought my face up to look in his eyes and quieted my tears and words. He said that I was beautiful and I deserved the gift. And then kissed me. It was long and deep and passionate. It made me melt. He then undressed me and went down on me again. I got close and stopped him. I told him that Don didn't want me to cum. He seemed annoyed...and acted like he was going to stop. He snuggled next to me and I told him I didn't want to stop that I wanted him to be inside me. He kissed me deeply again. Our hands all over each other. He finally reached over to his nightstand and pulled out a condom. After putting it on he slid into me slowly. And finally was fucking me deeply -- I was wanting to come so much. I was getting close and didn't wanted Mike to stop but I knew he was close. His thrusts of course increased as he neared his orgasm and so because it felt so good I couldn't hold back any longer and orgasmed. He orgasmed soon after I did. He kissed me and said he was sorry as he knew I had an orgasm. I cried. And he apologized again. I told him not to apologize as I enjoyed it and that I knew Don would be upset and I would take the punishment I deserved.

Mike sat up on bed...he said no! And I asked him what he meant. He told me I shouldn't be punished. That I was doing what Don told me...pleasing Mike. I said that it would be okay but he got angry. I said that it was just how it was suppose to be....that Don probably wanted me to fail. And so he would have got it one way or another. Mike was even more upset with that and told me to break it off with Don. I said no right away. It was like my brain could not connect that I didn't "need" to be with him. We talked some more about me being with Don and such and then he decided we should study. So we did....but not for very long as neither of us could get into it.

I went to Don's room and got ready for him. I wrote out my feelings of what happened with Mike and my feelings for Mike and Don. I then waited and waited. I feel asleep waiting....I awoke with his hand in my hair and him slapping me. He slapped me and said get on the floor. I scrambled to get on the floor. I then felt his boot hit my bottom hard...causing me to actually move forward. Tears welled up from the pain. And the fear. He threw the papers that I had written my thoughts and feelings on down on the floor in front of me. He did the thing that always looks hot in the pictures....he put his boot down on my neck pushing me forward into the papers. He said, "so you think you like Mike...." -- he laughed as he said it. He then dropped down to his knees and pulled me up by my hair to look at him....he kissed me. He kissed me deeply and said that I was his...he said it over and over again. Kissing me and telling me I was his....kissing me and telling me I was his. He then punched me in the stomach. And asked me if I was his....I said yes. He then punched me harder in the thigh and said are you sure. I said yes. He then squeezed my breasts so hard I was having problems not screaming. And he asked if I was his...I said yes. He kept asking me after each punch and squeeze and infliction of pain. He then started asking me if I would do anything for him. I said yes. He said even anal sex. I said yes. Even sleep with every guy in this house. I said yes. Even be gang banged. I said yes. Even sold to anyone who wanted to fuck you. I said yes. I said yes...to it all. He kissed me passionately then touching me softly and tenderly then. He looked at me with such care in that moment like I had just made him so proud and happy but there was also that underlining look of excitment...and sadism peeking out too. All the sadistic thoughts going through his head. All those thoughts of anal sex, me being fucked by other men and so much more going through his head. But I liked that feeling that he was pleased - proud and happy with these thoughts of me. I snuggled into his arms and he told me that I would have to be punished for the orgasm. I nodded and started to cry. He told me he would push me harder then he had up to this point. I nodded again and continued to cry and then told him how sorry I was for the orgasm. He sat and talked with me how he had thought about not punishing me but that he had said he would and so he felt he needed to follow through. We talked, kissed and snuggled for a bit before he got ready to punish me.

To be continued...

History: Don & Mike Part 3 (b)

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

Okay so I went into the bathroom to get ready for studying with Mike. There was a full-length mirror hanging opposite of the mirror above the sink so standing there I saw my ass and thighs. They looked like hamburger - red, blue, purple, black –the bruises all ready surfacing. For a moment I was horrified. And then I touched them and just stared at them. I liked them. I liked that he did that to me. He came in and saw me touching them and said "you like it." I did I blushed I know from the thought of liking something like that. I did the internal thing of I shouldn't like this and then it left my mind quickly because I saw how much he liked it. And then that made all those doubts go away for me.

He again told me to not to wash the cum off my tits. I washed up everywhere except there. I redid my hair and make up and got dressed. Don told me to change the sheets on his bed and get the room ready for him to go out. That was something usual with him. He would go out on dates - I never knew who it was with but then they would come back to his room. I would get candles out, matches out, condoms in his night stand (yes he used condoms with others but not me) and just made sure everything was nice and neat. He was taking a shower as I changed the sheets and got the room set up and neat. After he got dressed and we discussed that I would bring my bag with me to Mike's and go home after that. And we set a time for me to call – 2am. This was before the time of pagers and cell phones. He would have loved those devices I am sure.

So he walked me down to Mike's room. They did some small talk and then he turned to me and told me to undress. I unzipped my pants and started to slip them off. They continued to chat like I wasn't even there. I continued to undress until I was completely naked. He then told me to turn around and show Mike my marks. I turned around and then they talked about me like I was jus this object in the room. Mike asked him what he used on me. And things like that. I stood there. Don said to him "I think she should be naked while you study." Mike said something about it being "a distraction to both of us." Mike expressed that looking at my marks was getting him hot. Don told me to turn around and get on my knees. And then basically used a string of words implying that a slut like me would know what to do next....as it was my natural place in the world. I looked up at Mike wondering if that was okay with him and Mike unbuttoned his jeans and pulled his cock out for me. I started to go down on him but again he was quite big and so it took a bit to stretch open to him. Don said something like -- “she doesn't seem to be is a very good slut today.” Mike pushed me off and moved to the bed...Don kicked me in the ass to go with him. I crawled to Mike and continued where I had left off with sucking him. Soon Mike came...and I started to gag on the cum because of how it shot into my throat. Don said to swallow. I couldn't it came out and dripped down my chin. He grabbed me by the hair and tilted my face up to him slapping me. "I said swallow” He wiped the cum off my chin with this fingers and shoved his fingers into my mouth. I sucked them. And he said good girl and then let go of me. He did a kick to my ass again and said be good and then a little more small talk with Mike before he left the room.

Mike pulled me up to him on the bed and kissed me. We talked....and he did question me what had went on with Don. So we talked about the caning. At some point he had me turn over and he was looking at the marks. He then got some kind of ointment from a drawer and started to rub it into my bottom and thighs. I asked him if the marks really turned him on. He told me yes they did but that he did worry that it was too much for me. I told him I enjoyed it. He just nodded. We snuggled and continued to talk about all sorts of things. I then got dressed and we studied. After studying I asked him if he wanted another blowjob or if he would like to use me. Those were my words. Again it seems so odd to think that it was just so matter of fact yet like every girl in the world was doing what I was doing….offering their boyfriend’s friend a blow job. Anyway, he said no. He kissed me very passionately and hugged me - told me how pretty and special I was...that he loved our time together and then he sent me home.

At 2am I called Don. Right away he asked what else happened with Mike. I told him and he said that I must not have given a very good blowjob for Mike not want to use me again. He then said to me that he might have to get a few more friends so that will use me so that I can gain practice. It was the first seed of something he wanted. Although I think he was disappointed Mike didn’t use me more he was happy that I didn’t have a chance to orgasm. And he told me that I might not orgasm again….which just made my clit throb harder. He told me that he wanted me to masturbate 3 times the next day but not to cum just to bring it to that edge. We chatted a few more moments before we hung up.

The next night was a work night so I didn’t see Mike. But I did see Don after work for a quickie. He just had me give him a blowjob and then told me to leave. He barely talked to me because he was so tired but did ask me about masturbating. I was not going over the edge but did beg him to let me masturbate and cum. He said no and told me not to bring it up again. He said that next day with Mike I was not allowed to cum either. I was to masturbate again when I got home that night and 2 more times before coming to the house.

The following day was another short day for me at school and it was for Mike as well but Don had quit a few things going on. So told me that I would study with Mike after classes. I did masturbate as he instructed and almost went over all 3 times as I was getting really turned on by the denial even.

More to come…

History: Don & Mike Part 3 (a)

Prelude: If you have not read anything about Don I suggest going to this entry and starting with the last History Part 3 you will get an introduction to Don. These are real stories from my past. These things did happen to me.

Okay so I went home that evening from Don's with the order to masturbate 3 times but not orgasm before I saw him the next day. Well I was extremely turned on from the nights events so I decided when I got home that although I would love to masturbate it probably was not "safe" as I might have orgasmed. So I just went to bed....but I woke in the middle of the night extremely turned on so I decided to try masturbate. And I did...I took myself to that edge and stopped. Again in the morning in the shower I did the same thing. And then I did one more time right after classes before heading to his place....in my car.

When I got there he had just got home from his classes and we didn't do our usual routine of small talk and such. As soon as I closed the door he was grabbing by my hair, unzipping his pants and pushing me down on my knees to suck him. I guess the need was a little urgent. After he came he went to sleep for a little bit and I took care of the normal things I did while there.

After he woke, we talked about the masturbation "assignment" and I told him about it and he was shocked that I hadn't orgasmed. He was disappointed. We talked about that...him wanting me to fail. It seems like such an odd conversation now....knowing where we go in our relationship. So then he laughed and said "well I can still punish you for failing to fail." I was conflicted with his words. I felt like I disappointed but yet I obeyed because I didn't want to disappoint him. It didn't make sense to me. He finally said to me "I am beating you because I WANT and DESIRE to beat you." And that I could understand.

He had me undress while he got things set up. He had this bar stool that was shaped that a person could straddle it as they sat on it. It also was just the right height that when I put my feet down as I straddled it....my toes could reach the floor. But that day we used it differently. He put nipple clamps on me first and then had me bend over the stool. He tied the chain on the clamps to one of the rungs in the stool. Then tied my wrists to the legs of the stool. He took my panties...that were still wet from arousal and stuffed them into my mouth. He told me to suck on them. He then proceeded to cane me. He caned my ass, the back of my thighs and the inside of them. As he caned me -- I moved and the clamps would move around also. So between the cane and the clamps I was screaming into the gag.

He kept going and going...I was hurting so much. My ass felt like a giant welt. I cried and cried and finally it got to the point I couldn't feel pain anymore and it was just black around me...it wrapped around me and I was sinking into it. My version of subspace -- at least that is what I have told myself.

When I came out of it....I was lying on his bed wrapped up under blankets. He was snuggling up close to me and telling me I was his good girl. He then fed me a sandwich and helped me sip a drink. After we ate he kissed me and then we had sex. He fucked me from behind...told me how great my ass looked....he squeezed on the bruises and it made me let out little screams so he would shove my head down into the pillows holding me for a bit. He then dig his fingers into my ass again...I would muffle my screams. He would tell me that he was going to take my ass one day soon. Something he and I discussed and I was totally freaked out about. He pulled out and rubbed the head of his cock along my anus and I was begging that he not do that. He rubbed it there while talking to me about what a whore I was and how I was only good for sex. And that one day he would have all my holes. And then he shoved back into my pussy. He dug his fingers into my bruised ass. It hurt so much that I started to cry. He knew I was and he told me he liked it when I cried for him. He had me reach between my legs and rub my clit. He spanked my ass as he fucked me and soon I was begging. I don't even know why I begged -- no one told me I needed permission. But because of the night before I assumed I needed it. He said no and told me to stop. I was begging please and pulled out and punched my cunt. He said NO very forcefully as he did it. He turned me over on to my back and he straddled my face with his back facing my head with his balls over my mouth. He had me suck and lick them he would masturbate for a bit. He would stop and slap and squeeze my tits. And then go to masturbating again. Soon he came and rubbed the cum all over my tits.


After he told me to not wash it off but to get ready to go see Mike....

To be continued....