Sadomasochistic Desires Fulfilled

From an old journal entry from July 25, 2002 before I was Master's...

I was involved with someone that did not get BDSM and the sadomasochism side of things. He got them as a fantasy but he didn't really do BDSM. He did D/s, M/s and even some domestic discipline. But not SM play. When we were getting to know each other, he always expressed very sadistic fantasies so I assumed he did those things with his other slaves or at least wanted to do those things. But he thought of them as fantasies used to get turned on but not really something that he did (well at first - it did change - after I urged him to pursue it more - but it took quite a while.) So when I was first there I pushed my masochistic desires away. But of course they surfaced and soon...I begged him to slap me. But I still craved more. I wanted something to make me feel it in my core. Which might sound odd that someone could slap me but not flog me, tie me up or other typical BDSM play type things. But I knew him. I knew he had sadistic desires but they weren't typical BDSM play things. So I begged for things I knew he had fantasies about and desired so I could get my masochist desires fulfilled. And he enjoyed it. It sparked that sadistic side so that he wanted to try more typical BDSM type things.

I hate to say this, but I look back on my BDSM relationship and I have done that with most people I have been involved with - play partners to long term D/s - M/s relationships. I assess their limits. And then when it comes time to play and they ask what I desire I tell them things that will be possible for them and enjoyed by them hoping some of my desires get fulfilled. So I guess I manipulate the situation - not that I am getting what I want exactly but that I at least get something I desire - maybe touching my masochism a little. I think part of me doesn't want to express my true desires because I know I won't get them. It has happened so much that I just now go for something that they desire so I am not disappointed. No one ever gets near my limits so just easier to asses their limits and work from them.

I wish I could just find someone that has the same desires as me. To use me and abuse me. I wish that I wouldn't have to "suggest" only things they would desire just to be able to get some masochistic desires fulfilled. I wish I could let all the fantasies out. I wish I could experience SM like I once did....rough, dangerous and on the edge. I hope to feel that blackness envelope me again.