Isolation

I started this post back in June when I did a post titled "I'm Coming Out."  Over on lj and through emails - I had a few questions so thought I would do a blog post answering those questions somewhat. Or maybe better phrased that...I hope the blog post answers the questions as I am not posting their questions but just writing.

I have always has some social anxiety but since being isolated here in Master's household - it is now worse. It has become harder and harder for me to be around people.

My therapist and I have been working on it but it is one of those things that I am like do I really even want to be working on this?  There is parts of me that loves the life of isolation Master built for me. But then there are the other parts of me that remember all the groups, parties, outings, and such I did when I lived in Cleveland and even when I was married.  Even though I had anxieties then I pushed through them easier because I am social. I do like being social once I move past the anxieties.

So there is that rub of what to do.....Master isn't completely thrilled with the development of my anxiety but he also likes the isolation he keeps me in.  I feel the same - I feel the isolation really holds me in a place that I can't feel otherwise. It gives me a different feel of being property. I guess for me because I have such little freedom with isolation it creates him being the center of my world very easily. BUT on the other hand I really miss having friends and doing things like I did in Cleveland even though most of that isn't possible here in a small town.  As I am not out to people here. We just started developing a "community" but we haven't been able to actively participate in it much because of me being sick this summer. Even so I am not sure I will find the type of person I can be completely myself with and not have to hide because often Master and my lifestyle even freak those who are under the same umbrella but practice differently.

My therapist is pushing me to meet people.  I don't know how to do that anymore. Making friends how does one do that?  Where do you even start?   Really I don't even know how to make friends online anymore where that used to be easy too.  Because my time is Master's - I am not a consistent friend and that can bother people. Also because Master controls everything - I could stop contact and someone might not know why.   I don't get the freedom to decide when, where, who and how friendships will go because ultimately I am not in control of my life.  

I am lucky I have a few friends that do understand why I don't keep in consistent contact and  are really good about it.  I have had people that didn't understand though and were upset when I disappeared and it was hard to reconnect after that.  They want to understand and accept but at the same time it pushes their insecurity buttons and confuses them. I don't blame them...I am sure I would feel the same way in their position. But often I don't ever change my feelings towards the friendship...my time changes. 

I also take the thought of what this isolation is doing to me long term and what-if he wasn't here anymore. Master is younger then I but I still think about what if.....what-if he died and I was alone.  I don't know anyone here. I suppose I would move to be with family but I really don't want to do that as I have always lived far from my family for a reason.  But I think about what would I do...after being like this....for so many years.  Not being able to make friends and be in the world because my world centered around Him. 

So I worry about all this and even get annoyed at Master wishing that I could go and do things like I used to but at the same time I would be sad if this went away.  My number one thing I masturbate to is even more isolation then I have already. So I do want this it is just hard to find the balance and I am not sure there is a balance that goes with this type of relationship.  

do they hold onto your ID?

A question over at FetLife....about if your Owner holds your id.

My answer...
Master has my bank card, my drivers license, my ss card and other cards that have my name on them - such as my library card.

Master first took control of those things - for control. But over time it became a convinces to him also. As I don't carry a purse because everywhere I go - I am with him. It was his decision that I don't carry a purse. So if I need my library card - he is there with me to give that card to me. If I need to show id, he is there with me to show it.

The only time I get those things back in my possession are when I am traveling without him. Such as I just went to spend two weeks with my family without him so he gave me drivers license and bank card just before he dropped me off at the airport.

I feel again he has done this because of control - he likes control. And I liked to be controlled. It is arousing to me. I remember how it felt handing those things over for the first time when I moved in. I still get little shivers thinking about it.

Also for us - nothing belongs to me - I am his property so everything I came with, that I had is now his. So that id and all those cards are his. He can do with them what he wants. And he wants them in his control.

Isolation...Again

My answer from questions on FetLife about...isolation...again...

are you isolated? yes

In what fashion has your master isolated you in the past? When I walked in the door for the first time, my id, bank card, cash - basically whole purse was given to him. In the 6 years of living with him that hasn't changed. He controls those.

For a while when first here....all my clothes were locked in a closet. Was caged often, was chained to the bed. Cut off from tv, newspaper, phone and the computer. Wasn't allowed to leave for longer periods of time. Most of that has changed but still go through periods where it is like that.

Current things in place... I don't have a job outside Master's home.

I have to get permission to make any phone calls - even if it is to call in a perscription or call for hours to a store. All family and friends that calls, he answers the phone and then decides if I am allowed to talk to them (and sometimes I am not). Most of my lifestyle friends usually get okay to call first by writing me and asking if I have time for a phone call.

All snail mail addressed to me - either get opened by him first or if it doesn't I have to get permission to open it.

I don't leave the house without permission and it is a very very rare occasion when I leave the house without him.

I don't have local vanilla friends, we have local vanilla "couple" friends that we do things every so often. And I know they think I am odd - mostly because I don't have a career. So they are very quiet towards me. I don't have local lifestyle friends either because there is no formal community here.

When I was first here, he had a password for the computer and I didn't know it. So he would sign me on open the windows I was allowed to be in and then limit my time. After a while, he allowed the computer back into my life more. Now my computer time is pretty free. And it can't interfere with my focus on him. If it does, it is taken away.

When I moved to be with him, I had a car and we got rid of it. So I have no car. I rarely drive. Master just has me drive enough so that I "remember" how in case of an emergency.

Did you like the isolation and trapped feeling? Most of the time I like it. Especially at the beginning I loved it. There are times now where I miss things I used to do in my life before Master. I belonged to a book club. I did lots of activist type activities. The town I lived in before Master has a very active lifestyle community and I was a part of that. So I really went from being a social butterfly to being cut off from everything and everyone. And yes at times I miss that. Other time I wish and crave more isolation.

What is the purpose of isolation? slow me down as before Master I was going and going and going with one thing after another to do, help gain focus, to create a dependency on him

Was it unintentional? (i.e. the slave just letting everything else in their life go because of hyper-focusing on situation/relationship in front of them) It was intentional. Some of the side-effects were unintentional.

What are some benefits to isolation? I think for us it helped create the foundation of our relationship. It helped create no other choice for me but surrender and obey. I know it would have taken a lot a longer if I had worked outside the home and had lots of interaction with people.

Words....Part 1

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Beautiful - I know why she picked this word. But not sure I agree with her. :) I have many beautiful things in my life...living in such a beautiful place...Colorado is just breath taking, roses sitting here on my desk from Master that he got me just because, art, the rain, friends and family and love. Many more beautiful things in my life.

Captive - Master always says I am his willing captive. My first months with Master, I felt like a captive (willing) because my clothes were locked up, my id and so many things that say freedom were taken away. And many of those things are still in place. Yes nothing tangible is stopping me from walking out the door. But there are things inside that make it feel like I can't and that is all that matters to me.

Polyamorus - Poly is one of those things that has just always felt natural to me. As a little girl I drew floor plans for houses that had more then one bedroom for the "wives." I don't know where I got idea that a person could have more than one wife as I was never exposed to anything like it. I would dream up stories to go along with the floor plans - dream of stories of the people that lived there. And it was always good feelings of cooking together with other co-wives and laughing. Just lots of love and laughter in the house. So when I was exposed to poly within the BDSM community - I really didn't blink or think twice about it being right for me. Because I knew it was right for me. It has always been very easy for me to give love - unconditional love. I know what we seek is really hard to find. We live in a smaller town so finding that "special" someone that feels right and good in our life is really like finding a needle in a haystack. But it doesn't make me want to give up.

Vulnerable - Definition of vulnerable is susceptible to criticism, susceptible to physical or emotional injury. And I know my lifestyle does leave me susceptible to criticism. For the most part I ignore it. Every once in a while it bugs me though. And yes hurts my feelings. But since reading over my archives the last week - I can say without a doubt I am not as vulnerable as I once was. I just feel I don't expose myself as I once did because frankly I am not as screwed up as I once was....back then it was easier to hurt me since there were so many open wounds to poke.

Generous - I have a big heart that cares very easily about people, causes...life. So I tend to give a lot. Since being Master's though I know I hold more people at arms length and don't give as much of myself or my time. I give what I can and hope that everyone understands - it is the best I can do.


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These words were from Master...

DVDs - Master and I are both pretty obsessive about movies. We have over 500 DVD titles. When I work (coding websites, creating graphics or doing art), I need noise so even just listening to a movie is a good thing. It helps me move faster for some reason. Something I do though that Master doesn't do is - I get stuck on a movie or tv series. Such as recently Master bought me Sex and the City and I have been watching it OVER and OVER and OVER.

hip/chic/contemporary - Obviously he cheated giving me multiple words as one pick but he is Master so....I won't point that out to him. :) But I did have to ask Master what he meant by these words. Because I don't associate myself with them at all. He does though. So I get why he gave them to me - many things I like and enjoy fit those words. But I am such a weird person because I seem to like so many different styles - be it fashion, decorating and even when cooking. Because I like so many different styles - I think is why I don't feel the words fit me.

Just a few different kitchen designs I like...







I took a quiz about my decorating style and it said: Lean back and relax in a space that welcomes the modern but trades stainless steel for the natural. Your tastes include the Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired. Your sensitivity to materials and a natural setting meets with a contemporary bent in home styles like Mission, Prairie and Arts & Crafts. When making your cabinet selection, consider birch as a clean and modern wood species. Choose details like geometric forms, art glass, contrasting textures and lines, and forged and wrought iron pulls.

And really that does fit my most often picked decorating style.

I think I love many things that are hip, chic and/or contemporary but often I feel they don't fit into my life. I may look at a very chic dress but know living in the town we do there is no reason to have that dress. So my practical side wins out over my hip, chic or contemporary side.

February - February has many meanings for me. February is the month I first met Master, stayed with him a month and it also is the month he claimed me as his. It a month that has created so many good memories. My favorite of course I have written about many many times...when Master claimed me as his....

Master just pulled that chain out of his pocket and put it around my neck. He locked it in place. No words...he didn't ask me. He didn't tell me. He just claimed me. It was intense and wonderful. I still remember it so clearly and still feel all the feelings I did then.

*photo is from that month I stayed with Master and is the chain he placed around my neck to claim me. So the photo is over 6 years old.

dark thoughts - I really go up and down with my dark thoughts/dark desires. Sometimes I think about them all the time and other times I don't. I often have thoughts about blood but I am such a wimp with blood. I see pictures Bootpig's pictures on FetLife and drool and squirm but I know that even the smell of blood makes me light headed. Although I am isolated - I often think of it on other levels in my fantasies. Not let out of the house for longer times. I enjoy the thoughts of long term confinement in the closet or cage. There are other things but harder for me to explain here in words. But for the most part they often contain humiliation.

Blogging - I have been blogging for 9 years in October. I sometime don't share much and other times I share things I don't say out-loud but do in words on my blog. It just is what ever comes out. I also after this long of blogging don't share things I am surprised I don't. I don't share our SM/sex life as much as I thought I would. I don't share some of my really happy moments in slavery but mostly it is because it is the moment and by the time I sit down - I just can't capture it in words. But over all it does show my thoughts on a very wide range of topics and it is my place to hash those out.

What if....the house is on fire?

Okay so I am kind of surprised by response from my post on being His Captive. I know it is out of curiosity and concern. And I can appreciate that but it still surprised me. Recently I wrote a post about Living in a Bubble and I think I made it clear that Master likes me to think, carry on intelligent discussions and have well thought out positions on many subjects. Master is not dumbing me down through isolation.

But I had a few comments questioning the command not to use the phone or leave without Master's permission - they were basically wondering what would happen if there was an emergency such as a fire. Again I know the comments are meant out of curiosity and concern. But as I said above they did surprise me as I hope I don't come across as mindless.

I think we all have self preservation. If the house is on fire, I am not going to just sit in the house just because I was told not to leave the house without him. Each of us has a personal responsibility - just because I am owned and Master controls my life doesn't get me off the hook for being responsible for my actions. I have a personal responsibility to myself as well as a responsibility to Master to take care of myself. And Master would be pretty pissed at me if I sat in a house while it burned down around me. And - or didn't call 911 in an emergency.

There have been many times when Master has went out of town. And I don't have a car available - so I am alone. But we have plans in place in case I would need to go to the hospital or if I really needed something (example: maybe having the stomach flu and we are out of sprite or I didn't realize I was out of a prescription so need that), I have ways to get anything I would need. And even if Master hadn't set in place those plans - again I have a lot of common sense and could figure it out on my own.

Are there people out there who might be given that order to not use the phone or leave the house that would sit in a burning house? I guess it is entirely possible. But I am not one of them. Nor would Master want me to be that type of person. He kind of likes having me as his slave and plans on keeping me around for a while.

His Captive

So there was a thread on FetLife...(see getting back into my old habits) about captivity. I know I have said a million times I am isolated. And that I live in a bubble. But putting it down in black and white in the thread - I could see why it makes people nervous. I mean I get why but it still makes me annoyed when I get the "he is abusing you" type comments/emails. I have a very controlled and isolated life....so in essence I am Master's captive - willing captive.

Here were some questions....and then my answers...

Are you simply prohibited from making phone calls and/or walking out the door, or are there physical barriers?

I was told not to make phone calls or walk out the door without him - I am wired for obedience. I like to obey him. It feels odd if I don't do what he says. There are no barriers for me to not to make a phone call or walk out the door. And I am not going to get into the can I leave or not thing - I just don't want to leave. I don't want to walk out that door. If it was tested, I can't say what would happen as I haven't been in the situation.

For phone calls - all my friends know to ask in advance if they want to talk on the phone. The only exception is really my family. They call anytime. And Master has a few times said I am not available but it is very rare. And at those times it was because it just wasn't a good thing to talk to them at that time...something was going on where I couldn't talk.

Master worked outside the home when I first moved here so really I could have made calls - I could have walked out the door but I didn't. I didn't want to - I like my life.

Do you drive? have access to a car? I don't have a car. I didn't have a need for it when I arrived so we got rid of it. I do know how to drive and Master has me drive every so often so that I keep that up. Two years ago Master got hurt and I had to drive and do many things on my own it was very odd for me.

Have any r/l friends that you keep in touch with? yes several. Many have met Master too and think is great and told me I am happier and much more fulfilled with him then I ever have been. And one thing I think that makes it work is because this is what we both wanted. We both have a thing for isolation and captivity.

I understand that there are relationships that use isolation to an abusive extent. I really don't feel an outsiders perspective can help the person in the relationship see that though. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and it wasn't until I shook myself out of my denial - that I got it. No matter what anyone else had said. And now of course there are people who have said I am in an abusive relationship (usually online people - no one that knows me face to face has ever said that) and there are others who of course say that they see our relationship as being a very good one. We have really good communication of where things are at. As I said above, we both have a fetish (I guess is the closest word I can think of for it) for captivity and isolation so it is what we both wanted and I was happy to find someone I could have that type of relationship with that is also just a good person and wants me to be thriving as it is an asset for him.

We have had to deal with some isolation side effects that haven't been great. But they aren't earth shattering. And we/I know given time, if I had to do things on my own and be out in the world more - I could get back into the swing of things. It just would take time.

Isolation because Alone

A couple weeks ago when Master was out of town (he is out of town again this week which made me think of this) a good friend gave me a call to chat. And she recalled I don't have a car (gave it away to a neighbor in need). Master has a car that he takes when he goes out of town. So when he leaves there is no car here. He is gone often a week at time so I am completely alone for a week. She asked if I leave the house while he is out of town and frankly it is a rarity. I get the mail and take out the garbage.

Closet isolation is completely different headspace and at the same time similar. I sit here knowing I haven't talked to anyone but Master, I have went outside 2 times to get mail and once to bring out the garbage. And here alone. It does bring the reality that I am owned home (pun intended).

Yes in reality I could walk out this door and keep walking but on the other hand I can't. I think there is a difference -- fine line difference at times --- between being "able" to leave and "believing" you are able to leave. I also think there is a fine line between can do and will do.

Several years ago babalon gave an example that stuck in my head and summed it up for me.....
"A. Can I throw a puppy into speeding traffic? no.
B. Can I leave my owner [without his permission]? no."

It is the same for me. Is there some extreme circumstance where I could be able to do A or B? Yes...I am sure there is something out there that might make me believe I can do so. I am sure I have the ability but I don't think until I believe leaving is the last option in an extreme situation that I would actually be able to leave.

For me Him owning me equals I can't leave. I don't believe I can, I don't think I can, plus I don't want to leave. And just as I can't throw a puppy into traffic - I can't leave my owner. It goes against what I am emotionally/mentally conditioned to do - so I don't ponder or worry about leaving and I am glad it is that way.

And so this week at home alone without Master -- isolated without being locked up. A subtle reminder that I am owned. And of course in that odd way that it happens makes me feel good and loved.

Freedom.....

Life has been really busy the last few days. Master is getting ready to go out of town for possibly 3 weeks but maybe 2. He might not even be home on weekends. I have been in denial about it until today and had a melt down.

This is the longest we will have been apart since I moved here. The longest being 5 days...and that was long to both of us (edit: might have done a 7 days shortly have I moved here for girlie's wedding.) Next I am teaching a class on Monday and I am not a public speaker. Master encouraged me to do it - and all his reasons were very good points but at the time we thought he would be in town so could be there to support and help if needed. But now he won't be there. So I am freaking about doing that on my own.

To add to all this I don't do anything without Master. If we need milk or bread, I tell him what we are low on and he then decides when we will go pick those things up. And then we both go. If I need a hair cut or to go to the doctor or whatever, I request and he decides if and when and then we go to together. I hardly ever drive. So I will be driving by myself around town while he is gone, I will be alone and I will be making decisions. It isn't that I can't do those things I am quite capable but I am not used to it. Isolation has its fun aspects and also not so fun aspects. And one of those not so fun aspects is now I get more nervous doing these things alone. As I said I can. Such as today, Master took me out driving to make sure I could get to where I am teaching my class and my doctors because those are 2 places I haven't drove to before and I did fine. I just am not looking forward to do it all by myself next week.

It is going to be very odd for me. This last year he has worked from home so he knew where I was and what I was doing 24/7. And now....he will be 4 hours away. Most of the time he is gone I don't have a car available but this time I will and it is just like there is a alarm going off in my head - you know those exits that say do not go out of this door or alarm will go off...I am going out that door this next week and alarms are going off. I don't like it.

Hoods

Okay this is going to be a rare rare occasion of a post...photos...of me but with the subject matter I am sure you can see why.

padme is a lucky girl! She got a hood for her anniversary with her Master. So we were kind of discussing them and she asked me what kind of hoods Master has for me. It is a fetish of Master's that we keep expanding on and I am happy to go along with as they have become a favorite of mine as well.

Once upon a time I didn't think hoods would be something I would ever like. But as I said it is a fetish of Master's so it wasn't an option -- I was going to like them. And he did a GREAT job in training me to like them! But again it was something I never thought I would like. I actually had a good amount of fear attached to them. I was very panicked by the thought of having something covering my head and face. So he had some work to do to get me over that because he wanted me to enjoy them like he does.

So the first hood Master started me out in this black rubber latex open faced hood. I am allergic to latex but at that time I didn't know/get that. That hood is a bitch to get on. But it was a great starter hood to get me used to things being *over* my head but not covering my face. It created kind of a suction though with the ears so if you have ear problems be aware of that.

Master got me used to the hood by just laying on the bed not doing anything with me sexually or even that involved SM. Just lying on the bed wearing the hood...snuggling and talking. And then he would take to where he played with me sexually but nothing else was involved. And then maybe a little SM involved. Each time stepped up a little bit. And then we moved on to the next hood.

The next hood was this hood that was a simple black cotton hood with an open mouth. I haven't found one like it on the web. It really was great for taking the next step in hoods because it was a thin enough cotton I could see out of so it wasn't totally encased in blackness from the get go. I also could breath which was another fear of the hood even though I love breath play - go figure.

And again he trained me with this hood just like that last. And by the time he was done....I was dreaming and lusting after hoods. I ended up going to Master one night and begging him for it. And he smiled. He was so happy that he had turned me on to his fetish. But I still was scared of the next step in hoods but having my head covered with just the mouth hole made me think about the next step and get wet even with my fear still lurking around.

The next hood I can't find anything like it on the web either. Basically it was 2 pieces of leather sewn together leaving the back with laces and then the other seam going down the middle of my face. There are 2 little slits for nose holes. So basically total encasement of my face/head. It took me a while to get used to that so in the mean time Master did get to other hoods. (this is close but the one we have isn't as form fitting more bag like.) I panicked with this hood quite a bit but finally it became a favorite as well...the smell of leather helped me also because it was just so intoxicating.

One like this in black though was another hood that Master has for me. It is black spandex with a padded blindfold in it. I could breath through it very nicely even though it is total encasement of my head too.

The other he bought was this one that I still don't like. And when it is used...it needs blindfold. This one makes me feel like a bankrobber instead of hood slut. It is made out of dacron spandex which almost feels like a scuba dive suit. It is that thick and heavy.

One of my favorites even though I can see out of it...it is different then the above. I like the shape of the hood - the one we have is from CJ's Leather but they don't have a picture of it on the website. It is similar to this one but the one we have has thick solid leather over the seams and an open mouth. It is very form fitting. This picture just doesn't do the one we have justice. Ours is the perforated leather but seems more heavy duty then the one pictured.

The last hood we got was this hood basic gag hood. It fits really snug. Master loves it because it is shiny like latex yet it is not latex so doesn't bother my allergy. And of course it leaves the mouth available for other uses.

The open mouth hoods of course can be used to with a gag so that adds another another level of sensory deprivation to the hood. Master has a head harness for me that works good over many of the hoods we have. And then added in a blindfold over the ones that I can see out of it and then cutting off my sight too. It took time to get to that level again for me as I did get very panicked. But now I love the feelings hoods give me.

The hoods make me very fuzzy. Master puts them on me and I start to just get fuzzy. They block out everything and let everything slow down....turn off and the world melts away and the only thing that matters is whatever is going on in that moment...whatever Master is doing to me or having me do. I do feel fear and panic at times with them...but usually it still is a very fuzzy far away feeling...like I am far away. I know I am not explaining it right but I am sure it also is different for each person too.

Oh I also put our gasmask in a hood category. It is something I want Master to take a picture of me in sometime. It sends me actually into a fuzzy head space faster then the hoods do.

I do think about a more intensive hood and I am sure again it will be something that will scare me but eventually I will come to beg for....if we go there and I know we might do that someday as Master does like hoods...thank goodness! Some umm dream hoods: Full hood like the basic gag hood above but full hood, I really like this one but we would never be able to get it because of the latex, and again something like this in leather would be nice, this one is close to another leather one I had in mind but I can't find it at the moment so this will do.

Crashing....

We had an amazing trip. We just got back yesterday and are so exhausted. I might write about how great the trip was later but for now I wanted to write about the day after...

Does anyone else do this....?

When we go out of town or have people visiting where I need to be "on watch" of what I say - not necessarily of what I do because our M/s is pretty subtle but what I say often is really hard on me. Also I am very isolated normally and even though I love being social just seems takes a lot out of me to go from being very isolated to being around a bunch of people and then back to isolated.

And so we come home or our guests leave and then I....crash. I feel sad and just so exhausted mentally and physically.

So today I am crashing.

If anyone else goes through this -- do you have any solutions to maybe help in not crashing so much?

To Clarify....

Disclaimer: Just to let everyone know I wasn't offended, upset or anything about the comments. I just realized after the comments and emails that I didn't make myself clear enough.

So just going to clarify my post on losing my identity.....

I have been doing wiitwd (what it is that we do) for quite a long time and as I said in the post you would think I would learn some lessons quicker but at times it just doesn't seem to happen that way. I have actually realized that I was becoming more shy, that I didn't want to go anywhere without Master and a few others things about myself that had changed for quite a long while and never worried about it - it just felt like part of the process of our relationship - it wasn't until about a month or so ago I woke up one morning and went "Oh wow...whatif." It hadn't come onto my radar screen to worry about it until a couple things triggered it. But again although those things worried me....I do see it as just changing and evolving in the relationship....the lesson I should have gotten right away before worrying about it. But of course that didn't happen. I fretted and struggled and did all the things that I should have just been able to let go of and say "okay this is me....I get it." Master and I discussed the losing my identity issue quite a bit. And although it unnerved me that I might be -- it doesn't take away the fact that I do like that I am this way too. I wouldn't change it.

Losing My Identity....?

So I have been Master's for over 3 years. And I have been doing this....this thing we do for even longer so you would think I would get some things BY NOW! But of course not....

Lately I have been plagued by the thoughts of losing my identity. Now I hate it when people come to me that don't understand the lifestyle and tell me if a person becomes a slave they lose their identity and that it is just about the dominant breaking the submissive down to be a mindless robot. Or those that are wanting to be in the lifestyle and think being a mindless nothing is all hearts and flowers SM. Neither really work for me in reality!

But that does not change the fact that I feel like I am losing parts of myself...

I believe we develop and progress in relationships and that in those changes I am becoming more me - shedding the layers to get - me. I think back on past relationships and this one is much different and that is not a bad thing, instead it is a very good thing. But I do at times wonder although I am gaining much from the relationship I do feel at times I am losing parts of myself.

I am so much more shy then I was before. I don't like going places without Master. I don't seek outside friendships and I used to be a social butterfly with many friends.

I have been doing the whatif...whatif Master releases me...whatif something happens to him and I am now too shy or can't go someplace without him and so on and so forth. I would have to but could I...and that is what has been going through my brain. Could I start over. I remember the days of having to not be shy because of my job but it just all seems so different now...after being his.


And so that has been bouncing around in my brain for weeks...I have been worried that I was losing my identity. But really I am just changing and evolving and identity and labels are not that important. Although that is a hard fact so swallow at times - it is true. Only thing that matters in my world is that I am serving and obeying Master. And I am.

I am not losing my identity. I am changing. And I am sure I will again.

A Few Questions Answered....

I had some questions asked through comments recently here are the answers...

darling nikki asked: "How does you relationship look on to outsiders in real life? Do you 2 seem "normal" to everyone else?"

I would say that we look fairly normal. We are fairly normal to me -- Master gets up and goes to work, I look like a housewife, we pay bills, deal with overflowing toilet, laundry and snow to shovel and so on. I think at times people might think there is something different about us but usually can't pin down exactly what it is that is different. Recently Master was at some vanilla friends home -- he was working on something for them -- and the friends mentioned I was "really shy." When he told me they said that I was offended as I couldn't understand why they said that since they are the couple that I am the most relaxed around. But after discussing it with a few friends online -- I saw that they really do probably see me holding back more then being shy but associate it with shy. They see that they don't know me because I don't let my guard down around anyone because I can't. So in not knowing a lot about me they say I am shy. But I can't really be me around them. That doesn't mean I would be bowing down at Master's feet or eating on the floor in public if I could be free to be me. It mostly means I am so keenly aware of my position with Master that I don't want others to see so I am always holding back for fear those subtle nuances we have might show our dynamic of Master/slave. I also am keenly aware I am his and so I don't want to do anything to embarrass him....I want to represent his property well. Even to those that don't know I am his slave.

So over all I think we look like a regular vanilla couple. And those that are a little closer might sense something different but they don't ever seem to "get it."

"How did you meet Master?"
My Master was kind of "dating" (for the lack of a better word) a mutual friend. They eventually decided they were not made for each other but she thought that he should chat with me. So it was probably close to a year after that he wrote me. He was reading my blog and then found my ad on bondage.com. So he decided to drop me an email. I still remember reading that email. It is so crystal clear in my mind. His email was real. It was not an email of "hear me roar - see see I am dominant." It was this is who I am....hobbies, beliefs and so on. It was real. Being so real and no "macho arrogant dominant" got me right away so I had to write him back. After that we corresponded for a bit and then did IM's and phone conversations before I visited him. From there he claimed me as his and I moved to be with him. It will be 3 years February 1 that He claimed me as His. And I am very happy to be His slave.

"I have an inkling that I would like a Master, but I have children and don't think I could do the round the clock submissive thing."

Being submissive for me doesn't mean being sexual or doing BDSM in front of kids. It is about being pleasing, submitting and serving. And many of those things can be done within daily life without anyone noticing. I know there are a few blogs out there of slaves and submissives that have children in the household and are submissive and slave 24/7. Such as nuala, annissa, kaylem and annie, kayla...I also think joy and magdala have kids. But don't quote me on that. I am sure there are others I am forgetting also.

maya asked: "In your last top five post you mentioned not leaving the house without your Master.....I was just wondering if you would talk more fully on that, or have you and I just missed it? Was it something you wanted or just that he did? How was the adjustment. What are the things you like about it, what are the hard parts... That sort of thing. The concept is just intriguing to me."

I am not sure how much I have mentioned that I don't go anywhere without Master...I probably did early in on our relationship but now it just is...so it doesn't occur to mention it now. At first it was just Master creating me into His slave. He micromanaged me and thus part of that was not driving. He wanted me to be reminded that everything I do...even leave the house to go grocery shop is because HE allows it. I believe now although we just have one car now he likes that I am dependent on him. He has me drive every once in a while to keep up with it. I have a drivers license but it is in his wallet unless he gives it to me when I traveled without him.

It really wasn't much of an adjustment for me. I do at times get a craving to just go out and window shop or go grab a coffee out. But then if it is really something I want to do -- I may ask Master's permission and he will bring me out. Most of the time though it just passes when I remind myself who I am and that I can't go out on my own. Hard parts are such as presents for him....if I want to go shopping for a gift for him 1) I have to ask permission to get him a gift. 2) I have to ask for money 3) then I need to ask to go somewhere - where he will drop me off and then come pick me back up usually. Such at Christmas he dropped me off at the mall one day for Christmas shopping with money and then I called him when I was done and he came and got me brought me home. I at times feel that is a burden to him but he has assured me this is how he wants it.

Down points are...that at times I am now very nervous about being in new places without Master. It passes quickly though. Usually I end up being very grateful for those moments -- knowing He is allowing me that precious time on my own.

Quick....Random Bits

I am back from the servant's retreat. We will be heading towards our home tomorrow. I am of mixed feelings on the whole experience. I am sure I will be writing lots about it though.

I am going to do just a few random snippets now that I know won't always make sense to anyone but me. I might be expanding on some of these later.

* I hate drama
* It is hard not to be sucked into some dramas when people you love are getting hurt
* respect between people (lifestyle and vanilla) seem to going even more down hill then I realized
* manners and common sense seem to go out the window a lot more these days
* when manners and common sense go out the window when infatuation enters the picture -- that is a red flag to me
* I know I just said manners and common sense seem to go out of the window but at times there is a need to be a bitch...and well I can be a bitch...I don't put up with a lot of drama, energy wasters, rudeness, and lack of respect. And it can be handled calmly logically and even politely although forceful too.
* I am not very friendly....I am very quick to know who is a person worth expanding that effort of friendship. And I know I put the energy off as "stay away" if I don't feel the person is worth my energy. And even more so I am comfortable with being this way.
* I wonder if not being friendly has come from being more isolated also because it seems since being with Master that I don't socialize with people as easily as I used too. Unless I am utterly comfortable in the situation.
* I realized this weekend I have grown a lot in knowing myself and I think I had not realized the extent of it until this weekend.
* I don't like "dominants" that try to control others through manipulations of situations
* I hate Chicago O'Hare airport!!!!!!!! (stranded there from 1pm to 10:12pm when they finally got me on a flight to where I needed to be)
* Though I did meet one person in that airport who I am at least thankful that I had a chance to meet as she is someone I will remember for quite some time. She was so interesting.
* I hate fall allergies...they are almost worse then my spring ones the older I get
* I have lots of work to do
* I had frantic emails from clients even though they knew I was on vacation and unavailable while out of town waiting for me today
* ho-ho's and wine don't go together very well but they do work in a pinch after an emotionally stressful day!
* I spent dinner with an amazing bunch of women last night. I wish I could have just spent time more time with them as they were funny, smart, and sexy to boot!
* I am so happy I got to see girlie
* I AM SO GLAD to with Master again! I missed Him so much!

Life Update

Master is busy which means my life is busy but quiet. I mean quiet as I am kind of lonely since Master is working long hours and very tired when He comes home, so I am alone a lot. Friends Master and I have -- are friends as a couple. And then we do not have any lifestyle friends here locally so it makes for a kind of quiet existence. And just so I am clear...I am not complaining about being where I am at because I love being Master's slave. It just is a little lonely right now and it will pass. So just trying my best to give him a peaceful and relaxing time while at home.

Icky health stuff next....
I have a rash that is ugly. My skin is ultra sensitive and so I had several new bath/hair products that have made my skin revolt against me. I need to start keeping a journal - private journal on health stuff. I had the same rash 5 years ago -- it looks like chicken pox but isn't. I am sure Lauren remembers it as she needed me to model for her for an art project and I was very uncomfortable and embarrassed. Also I had this rash as I had just started out as an escort and had to take 2 weeks off right away. He thought it was from using a new product - but at that time I did not have anything new. So that is why I want to keep a journal to start tracking what things are different and alike for these kind of things. I also think it would be helpful with my migraines - seeing if any foods or allergies make them spike up more.

Work...
I really need to work on two websites tomorrow but I would prefer to be doing other art related things instead.

Nothing really going on with me other then really missing lack of connection with Master. We had more connection this weekend though so that was good. It just gets hard when He is working all these hours.

Well I am going to not do the rest of this post....I want to do a few posts on things that I think really have helped me as slave in my service to Master. So those will have to wait...hopefully the first one will get done tomorrow.

A little Adventure

This week has flew by…

Master and I had to take a little trip Wednesday for His car. And it ended up being an adventure of sorts.

We started the day by stopping off at Borders. Master had gotten an email reminder from Borders and so He got me 2 early Birthday presents. A book of Georgia O’Keefe’s art and then the new Laurell K. Hamilton book Incubus Dreams. It is from a series of books by Hamilton that I enjoy.

After that, we got on the road. Master got a new car in April and has had a few little things go wrong with it. He bought the car in a town about 2 ½ - 3 hours away from us. Instead of dealing with the dealership here in town about these things, He decided He would bring it back to the dealership where He bought. And besides they have much better customer service then the one here.

We arrived in the small pretty town and dropped the car off. The flowers in this little town are beautiful. I wonder how much of their summer budget goes to the keeping those flowers looking so beautiful. They have probably every 10 to 20 feet 3 huge planters all along the main highway. Then downtown the lampposts have hanging baskets. But these are not just filled with a few flowers. The flowers in the planters and baskets cascade down the sites. You can’t even see the planters. The ones clumped in the planters just look like a big dome of flowers. Anyway, I love how they look.

Across the street from the dealership was the Field House of Natural History. So to kill time we went and checked it out while the car was being looked at. I really enjoyed it. It had been while since I had been in a Natural History Museum. I felt like a little girl with Daddy…I was following Him around pointing at all the Dinosaur bones and fossils. It was interesting. We had a nice time. I look forward to seeing Master’s pictures.

We could see the car sitting out so we knew it was done….so we headed back over to the dealership. All the men working there were….going on and on about Master’s car. How much they liked it. How loaded it is and they bet it drives really well. And it does. It was a big male testosterone thing going on.

After getting the car, Master decided we would take a different way home. The drive there is always nice, but of course seeing another scenic view would be nice too. So we got on the back highway.

As soon as we pulled off on the back highway Master stuck His hand into my dress and bra. He was pinching, squeezing, twisting and pulling my nipples. It hurt. He then would stop and put his hand over my mouth and nose. And then would stop and go back the nipples. Every once in a while He would mix some punching to my breasts.

Along the way, Master saw a sign for a power plant. Now we are way out by nothing. You drive and drive and all you see is oil well pumps, dessert, mountains and tumble weeds. You hardly ever - if not pass a car. He passes this power plant and then finds a back road off behind it. He has me get out or the car. He tells me where He is going to want me and informs me that He is going to have me take off my clothes so that I am just in my bra and panties. He really liked the bra I was wearing. It is really what inspired His sexual sadism streak Wednesday.

Of course, though just as I was about to pull my dress off…here comes a truck. First truck we have seen. Master just has me posing on these rocks until the truck is out of view. He then had me take my dress off and He snapped pictures. Behind me were a power plant and a junkyard of old cars and trucks. He liked the juxtapostioning of my soft curvy body next to the industrial look.

We then got situated again and back on the road. We drove for a bit and then came to a turn off for a dirt road that went down by a river. It had an old bridge that was standing, but a new bridge went up and over it. So the concrete base of the old bridge was there and Master had me get completely naked and stand next the concrete base. It was casting shadows across my body….so that I was half in the sunshine and half in the shadows. He took quite a few more pictures there then at the power plant. He liked them, but I looked at them started crying. Body image issues came right to the surface.

We drove for a little while more and then saw the turn off for what would head us back towards home. We were taking some back back (insert dirt) roads. They were curving and going on and on but of course, it was beautiful scenery. Anyway, we drive and drive and drive. We curve on these dirt roads. And eventually we then hit a gate across the road. The road that we need to go on is closed. So that meant we had to go all the way back out to the little highway to find another way through, as we were not getting through that way.

During this time we are on all these back isolated roads, Master and I start talking about isolation and other fantasies. Such as being locked away in a cabin. Chained, pissing in a bucket, alone, cut off from people, internet, news, phone and such. Being just this object of captivity. How Master described it made me wiggle in the car seat.

We talked about our life and things He wants to do….such as more closet isolation. More extreme isolation periods….restriction to internet, people, TV and phone. So, I feel that will be coming up in the future. We talked about where the line was for abuse in M/s relationships. We talked about home projects such as landscaping the yard. We talked all day and it was nice to have that kind of time with Master.

We finally did get to where we could meet back up with the main highway that we always take there. Because I had taken my bra and panties of early…I had never put them back on. It was getting late and so Master suggested dinner. Well we are in small towns that me going in looking like I was….would probably not be very acceptable. He pulled over onto another little side dirt road so that I could get my bra and panties back on.

When we finally got home and went to bed that evening, we had more fun in the bedroom. It was a very nice day of some fun SM, sex, and just good quality time with Master talking about so many things during our ride.

Just to note...we are going out of town...leaving soon and then won't be back until Sunday. Probably won't have an entry until Monday.

Regarding Some Recent Posts and Life Update

I want to thank everyone who has commented on recent posts!

Regarding the Domestic Abuse looks similar to M/s post…

The NLA’s statement bothered me because it is putting a standard out there that is false. The thought of this being brought into a court of law or even maybe if someone has some overly concerned vanilla friends that happen on to it….could cause some problems. Because it is saying if you do any of these things then you are abused and if you don't then you aren't doing BDSM “right.”

And that is bothers me a lot! These type of statements are there to make vanillas think better of us instead of really being an useful tool. So I believe there is an agenda behind it that is not for helping those in the lifestyle and that is why it bothers me.

I believe if you are in an abusive situation, you wake up on day and figure it out. Or maybe that is how it was for me.


Regarding the Isolation post…

The thread was started on my favorite yahoo group about isolation (it spun off a thread on the NLA statement). I was asked for examples of isolation in my life and I was just going to cut and paste the ones I used in my journal entry. But then as I was rereading them and realized that many are not ones *I* view as isolation and more from what people have said is isolation in my life.

It is kind of odd because some of our just day to day stuff I have had people tell me is Master isolating me, but really with the context of our path and life it isn't isolation to me.

So these are the things that have been isolation in our M/s relationship…

seeking permission to make phone calls.

being restricted only to answer phone calls from Master

not having any contact with anyone via online chatting, phone or in physical person for a day to a week

being restricted in my movement - such as I have been chained to a the bed for a day or morning before. The chain reaches the bathroom just enough to go in a bucket or other times it has reached the toilet.

there has been various forms of SM type of isolation – being chained to the bed as I mentioned, being locked in the cage. being hooded, restrained, gagged for a longer period time then just "play" - but to slow me down, discipline, meditations and such.

When I first came to be with Master, He did more isolation to help me slow down and refocus my attentions. I was not allowed contact with anyone (just to let them know I got here safe and then nothing after that for a while). I was not allowed to get into my things, I was naked all the time, chained, hobbled and it was...really effective in getting me to a more serene place of going to be serving 24/7 instead of doing the long distance thing. It helped me slow down and start changing my focus and mindset.


Regarding Life…an Update…

Last night Master and I had a marvelous dinner….steak that I rubbed with garlic, peppers, coarse salt. And then green beans sautéed in soy sauce and a little onion and garlic. And we started with a salad that I made a dressing from light olive oil, red wine vinegar, a little Dijon mustard, basil and pepper. Master has been working evening so I know He really enjoyed having a nice dinner before having to focus on work.

Today Master worked from home. After breakfast, Master was coming through the kitchen and asked me what I was going to do. I said, “I thought I would take a shower.” We were being playful and he said, “what are you going to do in the shower.” I said, “umm duh Master” very playfully. Master took me by my hair and pulled my head kind of back baring my face to Him and He slapped me very light and playfully across the cheek. So He releases me and I patted Him on the bum. He grabbed me by the hair, turned me around, pulled my panties down very roughly and spanked me! We then stood in the kitchen kissing very passionately in that raw very primal sexual way people do….and soon ended up in bed fucking. Where he grabbed and twisted my tits. It was very hot and yummy!

Those impromptu times that are just caught in a mixture of passion and sadism is awesome.

I will probably have one or two political posts soon. They will be marked for those you who want to skip those.

Life Update and Isolation

Well life has been positively wonderful lately…. Master had a couple days off and we took full advantage of it. We had hot SM and sex on Friday and Saturday. And even some on Sunday too. The Domestic Violence looks similar to M/s post sparked Sunday’s fun. Yum! Yum!

Isolation seems to be a topic that I has come up in a lot lately. It actually is a dark desire of mine to have more extreme and semi-permanent isolation. Moving here to be with Master has been a big change to my state of isolation. I was very social before I moved to be with Master. I did things with friends a lot and was active in the BDSM community. I lived in Ohio and he lived in Colorado. I have friends and family all over the country, but I have some very good friends in Ohio that I was sad about leaving. I was very close to some people and so it was hard. I miss them a lot, but I do keep in touch. My family though was all out of state so I was not leaving them directly.

I have people I knew and also friends that were upset with me moving and expressed concerns about me moving across the country to be with Master. For years, I have heard concerns about the relationship that I sought. And of course heard concerns before moving to be with Master.

But through it all I knew what I wanted and knew that when I had the life I was seeking I would be very fulfilled. There was always this little piece of zen-like calmness that knew the things I wanted in a M/s relationship was what I have always wanted for my life. And of course, I found that with Master. So even through all the warnings and comments that I was insane, unsafe and not acting with consensuality in mind, I had to do what was best for me. I had faith in myself. And following that has landed me in a wonderful relationship with my Master that has been like no other for me. I am blessed and grateful that he found me.

I do have to say I did not listen to the people that attacked my beliefs. I always appreciate my friends thoughts but did not let their thoughts influence my beliefs. I did not let their negativity doubt my faith in what was best for me. Even before Master and came to be together, I stayed strong in my faith of knowing what was best for me. And then of course after coming to be Master’s….I had strong faith in my relationship and my slavery to my Master.

Okay so back on to the topic at hand….isolation…

I am happy and fulfilled in my relationship with my Master and the isolation he has used on me in our relationship has not damaged me, has not created boredom and has not made me lose my personality.

I think there are fine lines with isolation equating abuse. I have been in abusive relationships before and one even used isolation as means of control. But M/s relationships can look like abuse does not mean it is abuse. The feelings in the relationship are what make it abusive or not.

I like to be isolated by Master as it helps me feel centered. It also helps me know my place as property when I am struggling with submission. I know Master does it so that I can feel those things. He enjoys the mindset I get from it. But he also does it because he likes the control of it. And well as most people know, Dominant’s generally like control.

Isolation can come in varying degrees. There have been times where I have not been allowed to talk to anyone but Master. But it was not done 24/7. It was done for a day or week.

There are times in my life that I am isolated that I think some would think – I am extremely cut off and isolated. But I don’t feel I am and would like to be more extreme at times. I am not sure how realistic that is for our lives though.

Some examples of my isolation…
- I don’t work outside Master’s home
- I don’t drive even though I have a drivers license (that is in Master’s wallet)
- I seek permission to make phone calls or chat online at times
- I don’t have any local friends that are mine. All my friends are his friends and they are not close like they were in Ohio as I can’t be “out” here like I was in Ohio
- I don’t leave the house without Master – to do grocery shopping, errands or anything – I am always with him when I leave the house.
- Then there is he SM type of isolation – being chained to the bed for more then a night. Being locked in a cage. Being hooded, restrained, gagged…

All those things can and do happen in our relationship and I am perfectly happy and healthy. And even after periods of isolation (be it an afternoon or a week or whatever) I can still carry on conversations, express my personality in those conversation just as I did before…I was owned. I did not lose my identity - in fact I am finally able to be me. I feel now everything is better. As I am more happy and fulfilled and that comes out now.

I thought I would do a quick blogger entry or at least try too.

Last night I greeted Him at the door wearing thigh highs, lingerie, black heels, wrist and ankle cuffs with chains in between them. . He was pleased. And that made me very happy. We had dinner and then watched Buffy. Buffy btw was very good.

I was allowed some online time tonight. He is not feeling well and so I chatted with some friends and wrote some emails.

I got my period early so I have not been a happy camper this week. But we are surviving through it. lol

He has been letting His sadism out on me more and I am enjoying it. He has abusing my tits, slapping me and just being more rough with me. **blushing*

Last week everything I brought with me was locked up but this week He has let me have access and so I hung up clothes and put some things I brought away. It was important to me to unpack some because I don’t unpack usually…always waiting for that quick exit when things don’t work out. But with Him it is so important that it works….I want it to so much.

He is very understanding and patient….and as someone told me tonight…I am difficult and I need to be patient. And really I am…I am happy to be getting to know a very wonderful man. I am a lucky girl….

We are going to be celebrating Valentine’s Day…this week…and I am looking forward to it.