Painted Girl

I mentioned that I am writing poetry. I am not sure if it is good and really that doesn't matter to me. It is more about really expressing myself in different way.  Poetry before always intimidated me and now it doesn't.  I even got Master hooked on writing poetry. It has been something really fun that we do together. He has such amazing sense of humor and it comes out with how he sees the world and what he writes. I love how he sees the world.

One poem I wrote is about being an escort...so thought I would share it here as I can't really share it with my family as I think it is pretty provocative for them.

Approach or Not?

Something I have thought about before but have never had happen was what if we saw kinky friend or acquaintance we have known from online or face to face from events and such out and about doing shopping or work stuff...do you approach or not?  I mean first I think it matters if they are with other people. If there are other people around, I probably wouldn't want to approach because I wouldn't want them to have to explain to the people they are with how he/she knows us.

But what if they are by themselves. I mean people are around but the person is by him/herself just walking out of a building...how about then?

Well....we had that happen yesterday.  Someone I have known online for quite a while and always wanted to meet was coming down the hall as we came out of a room we had just been working in.  We had all of our equipment and were heading to the elevator. I was in front and Master was pushing our big cart full of equipment.  A woman was walking down the hall and we both looked at each other and smile. It was a smile of recognizing each other.  I looked back at Master and he had the same expression of he felt he knew her too.

We had just a split moment to make a decision. Do we say something? Or do we let the moment pass?  She was walking out of the building alone and we were done for the day and about to walk to the elevator.  So Master said "excuse me" but the man that was walking behind her turned around so I said, "Ma'am"  As in the moment the only name that I could think of was her Fetlife name something I am not going to use in a public place such as that.   She turned and came back with a smile.  We said that we felt we knew each other and smiled in that knowing smile that says yes we know each other being kinky.

She recognized me from my photos, but not Master but that is understandable as their aren't that many photos of Master out there on FetLife or our blogs/website.

It was really nice to meet her and just talk to her a few moments, gave each other hugs and went on our way. But  I am so glad we decided to stop her and not let the moment pass wondering.   She is someone I have always wanted to meet and thankful we stopped her even though the place we were meeting wasn't the most usual place to run into like-minded folks.

Rehash

* I have a new therapist as my previous one left the office I go to so I had to start seeing a new one.  It has been stressful but I do like her and she is open minded. I really worried  about her not being accepting of the poly or some things in my life. I do think she would have a problem with the M/s - just like I thought my last therapist would have too but the poly she is completely fine with. 


* She and I are going to be rehashing some things I am not looking forward to rehashing. I really feel I have dealt with a lot of things but looking at my history I can see how those times in my life are a direct link to my self-esteem and body image issues. So it makes sense to rehash them - just not looking forward to what it will bring up. 


* 10 years ago I closed the escort agency. WOW 10 years? It doesn't seem that long ago really. Last Sunday evening teacup was mentioning she was going to watch the Grammy's and then my odd associate with the Grammy's came up. Probably the last time I watched the Grammy's also...the night of the Grammy's 2002 there was a teaser for the news and it flashed the logo to my escort agency. When I watched the news, it was talking about the business of escort agencies being online. It showed my website with blurred out photos of the girls. It was pretty damn scary and at the same time it freed me of a lot of stress as I hadn't been having fun with running the agency part anymore. So it made my decision to close it pretty simple. 

* I got to chat on the phone with a good friend last Thursday and it was so good to hear voice and chat with her.  She is so happy and I am so thrilled for her. 


* February 1st - Master and I celebrated 9 years together. We had a pretty low key day as I got sick after going out for breakfast.  It really seems like it hasn't been 9 years, but of course I am so happy that I have spent 9 years with an amazing Man.  I am thrilled that after all this time we still walk this path and yes we have struggles still but we still have the foundation.  I love that we have strength in our relationship. 


* My doctor took me off of one of my meds. I actually am down to just a few meds now. Anyway...my one med that my doctor took me off of was for my sciatica. I was okay for 2 weeks being off of it but the last few days I am having problems. But I have to say his reasons for taking me off of them - a symptom it caused - is gone so he was right about it. Just not sure how to live with the pain I am starting to be in and if it gets worse I won't be able to walk like last time. I have a follow up appointment with him so I will discuss it with him. I mean really I would like to not be on it but I also want to be able to walk. 


* Since teacup now has her gift...I can talk about this...Master and I went to a paint your own pottery place to paint teacup - a teacup and saucer for her birthday. It was so much fun! We were really obsessing of course because we wanted it perfect for her but the afternoon was a lot of fun. We really want to go back and make something for ourselves. It really wasn't a bad price either. They just charge for the piece - no studio fees or glazing costs or anything that is all in the price of the piece. It was a fun afternoon date!


* teacup booked her plane ticket to come visit us.  yay! Counting down days!


* I think that is about all that is going on with me right now.

Favorite Client

A repost of 5/25/09 post:
So I watched a movie this afternoon while doing other things and it made me think of one of my favorite clients.

For those of you that don't know...I was an escort. Yes, it was sex. And yes I enjoyed it.

There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the community. And he did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person really well. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and light spanking but that was about it.

So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Some from the bottom and others from the top. I had one gentleman that talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was usual as they usually were to shy to bring it up. He had a reference for me and he gave me all of his info that I required and so I checked him out and set a date.

Our first date he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really a usual thing. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.

He was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He told me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise or talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left.

After that all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him...

I would be dressed in something slutty sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. Ad then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). And then it was straight to sex....often a blow job to start. He would push me to my knees and then move to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. And at times do some spanking. He would talk dirty too. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!

So for some randomness about him...

* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.
* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/little girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He would say I was a naughty girl while we were having sex and I always knew that was my only time to talk. I never thought with someone just random - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I was able too. Plus again he was older then me and all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me. And I never expected that because of my past.
* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.
* He turned me on...him...how he looked - naked even more of a turn on, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into me...it was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.

Would He Dare?

There is a gift in someone who dares to be so rough with me. Most men would never dare. I need to know that a man will be so bold, that at least he is capable of this sort of wielding. Then I can trust him. The flimsy men, the ones who would never dare to hurt me, to see me flinch, to bend me over and take me anywhere, anytime; I have no use for. Their trepidation is suffocating to me. And reflective of their behavior outside the bedroom. It always is. You can tell a lot about someone by how they fuck: Timid or decisive. Experimental or staid. Hard-driving and fierce or languid and droopy. My selection criteria is all about this crucial element: Can this man take charge? Does he dare? "6" The 400 Blow from Beautiful, Depraved

When I was an escort, I often wondered that before I met a new client. I wondered if they would take charge or be timid. Most of the men were kind of in middle ground. They didn't want to tell me what to do but they wanted me to be a slut. The bigger slut I was the more they were turned on. Begging, eager, lustful, passionate, attentive, wanton, wet and ready to do anything and they would become repeat clients who tipped. And well I like sex and liked my job so often I was able to pull all those things off pretty easily. It was exciting and I often got turned on with anticipation before the client even walked in the door.

I had a few clients that dared...they took charge. And were rough in a good way. I would leave feeling well used and spent. One of those clients was an older man that I have wrote about before. He was close to 70. And he had a beautiful huge cock. And would take me in many ways.

Let me back up a bit....and post something I wrote about before....

There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the "community." He did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and spanking but that was about it.

So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Very few of them from the bottom and several from the top. For the most part it is as I said above most of them just wanted someone who enjoyed sex and was very wanton. But I did have a few that wanted to do some BDSM elements in our time together. And one of those gentlmen is the one I mentioned above...he talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was unusual as they usually were to shy to bring it up right away. It would take a few appointments before many of the men would mention the BDSM. But this gentlemen did and he had a reference for me to call one of the other girls in the community. He didn't say in his email what he was wanting but he mentioned the interview so I knew it was something more then just a regular appointment. But I told him I would have to meet him first.

So on our first date/appointment he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really the norm. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.

As I said he was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He wasn't bad looking. And so we sat and he proceeded to tell me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and/or after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise and talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left. It was pretty mild the first time. I knew he was just testing the waters as I was too.

After that though all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him. I would be dressed in something sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. And then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). Or push me to my knees to give him a blow job. And then it moved to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. He pulled my hair. He was very forceful in how he handled me - pushing me to the bed, spreading my legs, holding my mouth to his cock and so on. Often he did spanking and of course talk dirty to me also. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!

So for some randomness about him...

* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion that I orgasm from vaginal sex) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.

* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.

* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He liked kind of role playing that I had done something bad at school and now came home to get punished. Or that I had been showing off my tits and pussy to the boys and school and he wanted me to show him how I did that. I never thought with someone just who was really a stranger - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I did with him. Previously all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me as he was older and realistically could have had a daughter my age. And I never expected that it would turn me on in the ways it did because of my past.

* I have many fond memories of him. All his appointments left me very wet. I will also always remember him for another reason - because I was with him on 9/11 and we didn't have the tv on so I found out after. Later when I was checking out of the hotel room. It was such a good appointment. I came out so happy and excited just replaying it in my head moments after he left. It was a roleplay day with me as a school girl and him as Daddy finding out I was a bad girl at school. So I have these vivid memories because of the fun we had but coming out and knowing that while I was having all that fun - tragedy was striking the USA....well it is odd to think about. It is also one of those questions I always have to tiptoe around when people ask where I was when I found out. I wonder if he thinks of me on 9/11 like I think of him.

* Overall - our appointments were some of my favorite. He dared and it turned me on. It was the whole package of how he looked, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into me...it was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.


(Thank you Fleshbot for putting this entry in the weekly roundup)

Maintaining Friendships...Revisited

In 2005, I wrote a post that as a slave it is very hard to maintain friendships. And nothing has changed -- it is still hard. Only 3 years later -- I think it is even harder for me.

A while back I mentioned to someone that I like FetLife because it is giving me some interaction through "chatting" with others of like mind. Well I used the word chat but I really didn't mean it in the usual way -- I meant that private messaging each other on Fetlife has been much like it is on LJ and commenting for me -- a conversation without having to sit down and be focused on a chat program for 30 minutes or however long a person wants to chat. When I check mail, I might see another message and answer and then go back to doing chores or work yet it is giving me some interaction that I wouldn't get otherwise.

But even though I enjoy those interactions on FetLife and LJ, I still have trouble maintaining friendships. Last night I had a list of things I wanted to post to on FetLife, comments I wanted to reply on LJ, blogs I wanted to read and reply to, personal emails to finish that I have had sitting in draft for a week -- and yet I just don't have the brain power/energy. By the time I do things around the house and do business related work -- I just don't have what is needed to give anything the proper attention. I don't want to reply to someone when I am half aware of what I am doing and I feel more and more lately that is what I am doing because it is all I have left to give.

The last 6 months of Master's business has had increased work for me as it is utilizing my skills. And I am here to serve Master and that this skill is helping us pay bills and is becoming a successful part of the business so I am happy I can help. But everything in my life has taken a back seat -- keeping in touch with my family and friends, my art, the house, keeping up with other domestic things such as making menus and keeping up with the grocery list -- nothing is like it was before. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.

There is a handful of friends that have similar type of Ownership/slave type relationship so they accept it and understand or even are in the same situation. And we are thankful for that for the times we can hook up but don't anticipate it being very often. And then there are some friends - even those in the lifestyle - that don't quite understand and I have hurt their feelings by not being around or they feel I don't want to be friends with them. But it isn't that at all. And I am deeply sorry that I upset friends or hurt their feelings. But on the other hand I am a slave and my duties to Master always come first. And I have lost friends because of it. But am thankful for those that do stick it out with me as I am thankful for your friendship.

1930's Marital Scale + Quick Update

We are out of town right now at a family function. Life has been so crazy lately. I have been working quite a bit (work for Master for his business) so my time has been very limited. I was looking the last couple months my blog entries even over on livejournal has been down. I just am so brain dead by the time I stop for the day that I can't focus on journaling. Anyway, that is what is going on and why I haven't posted much lately. So now on to "fluff" - a quiz.

66 As a 1930s wife, I am Superior Take the test!

Here is the scoring....
0-24 - Very Poor (Failure)
25-41 - Poor
42-58 - Average
59-75 - Superior
76+ - Very Superior

Yesterday, Today and This week...

Just a little life update...

Master and I had work yesterday that required us to be up at 5:30am. That was insane. We worked really hard plus the room where we were working -- the heat was broken so it was 85 degrees which is quite warm for when just sitting but we weren't just sitting we were working are asses off. On our way home we stopped for Chinese take out so that we could just go home and collapse. We ate and then took showers as we were beyond the expiration date of our deodorant. After showers, we just relaxed and watched movies. We watched the animated version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I was singing along with the songs -- it was fun!

Today I have been doing some cleaning and then one of my eyes all of sudden started acting up. I am still having problems with. It was like the lids stuck to the eye so when I opened my eye it felt like ripping across my eye. You look at the eye though and it looks fine but at one point today the only time it felt okay was closed. It is like a film is over at at times tonight. I have been having allergy issues and goopy eyes so not sure if it is related.

This week is going to be very busy for me. Tomorrow I am going to start Christmas decorating. I am sure with other things I have to do I won't get it all done. So I will finish it up on Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon Master and I are going to a movie we have free passes. And then Wednesday finish any cleaning and get ready for Master's parents to arrive on Thursday. It is Master's birthday Thursday. I am not sure what I am going to make for dinner on Saturday but most of the other meals are planned. Oh and somewhere in there I need to finish shopping for his birthday.

Well I am off to finish cleaning the refrigerator and then fold clothes. We are recording Tinman but probably won't watch it until after all 3 parts are recorded. While I fold clothes, I am going to watch Project Runway as I haven't watched this past weeks episode yet.

Exciting I know.

I do have to add something...because of some sad news that was posted on my friends list over on Livejournal...I just want to remind myself how blessed I am to be alive and be Master's.

Comfortable & Uncomfortable

And odd mix of things....in bullet points as nothing is connected

• We had dinner with friends last night. It was and odd mix of uncomfortable and comfortable. Master had made a video for one of the friends so it was like a thank you dinner from them. We weren't able to be a the party when the showed it as we were in Shreveport. But we watched the video last night with them and the friend got all teary watching it again. And he has watched it several times already but still affected by it. I know it makes Master feel good that his work touches people.
  
  We all watched the Rockies win so that was fun. And comfortable and relaxed. Appetizers and just hanging and talking was comfortable too. We had a really good wine - I only had a sip as migraines still lingering. But it had a grapefruit undertone that was very nice. Dinner then came and that is where I always feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of some people. Then plus add on top of this list we were having foods I have never eaten before so that always makes me nervous if what if I don't like it what do I do....we had buffalo steaks. I also broke a spoon. They had mashed potatoes that were very heavy. She had put 3 cheeses in it, chives fresh from her garden (not that chives weight a lot lol) and they just were very weighty spuds so when I went to scoop some on to my plate the spoon snapped. So I know I blushed a million shades red. But I survived.




• Well at Master's parents last week we watched the first disk from Planet Earth. And that was so amazing! I loved it. But really what was the cutest is when the birds came on to his parents big screen high definition tv and our sleeping male kitty cat immediately jumped from his slumber to go get them. He was reaching up touching the screen with his paw. He finally jumped up on the speaker next to the tv and sat on it reaching over to the tv to try to get the birds. We didn't get a picture because as soon as we would have moved he would have stopped. But it was SO cute!



• Going to get my hair cut this morning. I will be having probably about 4 to 5 inches taken off - it is a length Master really likes. Then tomorrow I will dye it black cherry.



• Talked to my parents yesterday to get plans more firm for what we are doing and staying. We are going to the art museum Thursday. Friday we will probably take a little day trip. And then the rest of the time will be for shopping. I know my Mom is buying me my present while here - and I am thinking I want new shoes - new mary janes to be exact. And there are DSW's in Denver so probably hit one of those.



• Made Chili and cornbread on Saturday. And then yesterday I made a pie to bring to our friends - chocolate buttermilk. So here are pictures....
  
  
  
  
  



• We have a film shoot this afternoon possibly this evening. I am feeling really out of today though so I hope I can snap out of it before then.



• I watched Alice in Wonderland 3 times this weekend. Daddy bought me it and several other little girl movies. I hadn't watched Alice in Wonderland though in probably 10 years and it one I really really like so it was fun to see again!

I think that is all the randomness I have in me at the moment at least.

A Look Back....July

Again....I didn't get to do a Winter Count this year. But going to do my version of Winter Count by going back into my archives and finding entries that touch me, are favorites, important to me or that month, or that just have some meaning to me.

So here is July (my version) Winter Count...

I did the Ask Me Anything Meme and so here are 2 entries with answers to questions that were asked....

As a child, what did you imagine your life would be like when you grew up? And what are some of the dreams/goals you hope to accomplish in your life?

Was your Master the first man you committed to outside of escorting? How did that come about? I mean, you meeting Him and then leaving that business? And I am always curious to hear how other people decide what party (if any) they identify themselves with. It seems your Master is also very strong in His political beliefs. Was He an influence on you, in yours? Or have you always identified the way you do?

And then I asked questions on Honorifics - it gave lots of discussion via livejournal, email and blogspot and then I did an entry answering my own questions.

Oh and one more that caused a lot ummm feedback....Not High Maintenance.

A Look Back....May

I didn't get to do a Winter Count this year. But going to do my version of Winter Count by going back into my archives and finding entries that touch me, are favorites, important to me or that month, or that just have some meaning to me.

So here is May (my version) Winter Count...

Everyday is Exactly the Same - Well looking at this very depressing entry some my say why is this entry important....really for me it was when I first acknowledged the depression again. Granted the month didn't start out well - as April ended with our friend dying and Master doing her memorial video. It was really emotionally draining for us. But 2006 has been a year of the BIG push for Master's business. We were just so focused on getting him there that we neglected ourselves...as individuals and a couple. We just were going, going, going and really focused on getting the business started that we didn't slow down and take care of ourselves. And that is what I read in that entry as well as the grieving of our friend.

But the everyday being exactly the same....and the talk of being a slave...is kind of like my look back in April. Being a slave isn't glamorous or all romantic hearts and flowers look at SM and often I feel people want it to be. And so reading my entries will be whatever comes to me at that moment and sometimes it might have SM (rare occasion these days though) and other times it is about spring cleaning the closets out. Excitement...? No, but it my life. I am here to enhance and serve him always and in all ways and a lot of that is cleaning, cooking, and being his girl Friday.

A Favorite Client - I was an escort and well this is describing one of my clients. This is entry does details and sex.

WARNING: Emo!

So every time I sat here to write an entry today....I just sat here. Yet I have lots rolling around my brain but it's not coming out - some of it also feels like it shouldn't. Then tonight I actually had some time to do art but I couldn't...I organized. I sat and looked at the piece before. I knew what I wanted to do but was just frozen - scared to start again. It is always like this when I go so long in between creating.

The last few week I have felt extremely emotional and I am not even pmsing. I feel sad, overwhelmed, angry at the world, and frankly not very happy or good. I feel at odds with myself. I feel lost. I feel like maybe I am not me. I have no desire for almost anything. I don't feel particularly slave-like these days. I don't feel artist-like. I think of my family and want to call but no desire to call at the same time. I have lots of cards and packages here for friends that I want to send and at the same time I just look at them and feel not now...no energy. And now several presents will be late.

I looked at bunches of SM porn the other night and my body reacted. I got really wet. But I cried. I cried that I didn't feel anything looking at them. I was sorting through them and really it was almost obliviously to me that they were naked, gagged and tied up. It didn't register emotionally for me that these are things that usually turn me and so I didn't get that arousal emotionally - I didn't feel all the things I usually feel when I start getting turned on. I only reacted physically. And so that made me cry.

So I just keep doing work and going from moment to moment. And I feel emotional and empty at the same time.

And really it is all because of what the work is doing to me. I am not used to it and maybe I will get used to it.

On to a life update so that I don't make you suffer through the emo....

Last Friday I screwed up and so work stuff has still actually been screwed up all week. My client the week before she wants her site live goes out of town with no way to reach her. So this week has been kind of the waiting game and also starting the next projects.

Nothing else really going on beside work.

Yes...I am alive....

We had a very long weekend. I hope to do a real post tomorrow. I am just glad that our guests finally left today as it was very draining having them here. I feel like I could crawl into a little spot and sleep for about 5 days. But I don't have time as the next project is coming due. I have to kick ass on it this week or I might not met the deadline.

Question 3 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

Here on blogspot - question 2 is skipped because question 2 was more of a livejournal question.

Was your Master the first man you committed to outside of escorting? How did that come about? I mean, you meeting Him and then leaving that business?

Okay I don't think I understand this questions - so to the person who asked it - if I am not going the right direction on this question - please feel free to leave me another screened comment in that Ask me ANYTHING post.

I think that first question you are asking: Was Master the first man I committed to after escorting and that answer is no. I was involved in a Daddy/little girl relationship when I first started escorting and had 2 girlfriends. I then while escorting ended up having a couple play partners, another girlfriend and also was involved in 2 D/s relationships - and all of them knew I was an escort. One of the D/s relationships I was in - the dominant didn't like that I was an escort - and he felt I must have low self esteem and that is why I was an escort. (rolling my eyes as I think that I even was involved with him.) I also owned an escort agency at the same time - not sure I ever have talked about that much - so while I was involved with that dominant I didn't take as many personal clients and just ran the agency.

After I met Master he didn't have a problem with me working while I was in Ohio but he was very explicit that once I was with him here I would not do it. And there are lots of reasons for that - but the main one is his job.

I do miss it at times though. And I have happily masturbated since then to some of the "dates" with my favorite clients.

I am always curious to hear how other people decide what party (if any) they identify themselves with. It seems your Master is also very strong in His political beliefs. Was He an influence on you, in yours? Or have you always identified the way you do?

I know I vote democratic mostly. But how I vote really comes down to really looking at the candidates and seeing if their beliefs align with my own. Such as in the 2004 elections - I researched Bush and Kerry. I mean I can't stand Bush in the first place but I really looked at what he said and how he acted and decided he was the worse of the 2 evils and so I voted for Kerry. (You can go here to see my post right before we voted on why I didn't vote for Bush).

Master has VERY strong in political beliefs. One of his majors in college was political science so I would say politics is a passion for him. He doesn't want to see our freedoms taken away. And so he is very vocal about his political opinions.

He is not really an influence on my beliefs. Before we got together that was one thing I wanted to make sure I was with someone who has similar political beliefs because in the past that has not been that case and it has made for some very uncomfortable and irritating situations! Though I do need to say Master and I don't agree on everything in politics but most things we do. Because Master is so vocal in his beliefs though it does make me more politically aware then I have been in the past.

Waiting out the Busy

I haven't posted in a while. I just have been so busy with life. It seems like when I start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel something else comes up. It has been a very busy time for Master and I with starting his business so it never seems like there isn't something to do. And because of it I am feeling about near my wits end. Add in Master and I just haven't had the good quality time I desire and so it has been a trying time. I am thankful though to be here serving Master even in these difficult times. And know it will get better soon.

Last night we went to dinner with a friend. She is someone I used to be kind of scared of but now can't understand why! She is a part of a charity project and wanted our help in getting a website and video together for it. I think one day Master might be doing a documentary with her on it. I have tons of ideas for the website and so will start getting things together for it. Does anyone know of a program that will take a digital picture and make it look like a Polaroid? Because this project will have lots of pictures to appeal to the heart strings of people looking at it.

Master hasn't told many of our friend's yet about him quitting his current job this summer. Because a lot of our friends are also in the same or similar line of work so he can't let it out too much or it will get back to the main office before he gives notice and that would not be cool at all. But he did tell our friend last night. And she was THRILLED! She was so excited for him. We mentioned also that we are a little nervous about it although excited. And she told us she would not let us starve. She would be giving Master business. So that was good to hear also.

This weekend I have been doing art stuff. And it feels so good to be back at it. I have missed it. There was also an instant today I was looking for a picture I had printed off and couldn't find it and then realized I had it saved on my computer and could bring up. And look at it while doing the piece. So that was a good thing about having my computer where I do art now.

Tomorrow I want to steam clean the living room and iron on top of my other daily stuff. I do hope it won't take too long though as I hope to spend the afternoon with art stuff.

Not much else to report. I owe several people some emails and I hope to get those this week also.

A Favorite Client....

So I watched a movie this afternoon while doing other things and it made me think of one of my favorite clients.

For those of you that don't know...I was an escort. Yes, it was sex. And yes I enjoyed it.

There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the community. And he did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person really well. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and light spanking but that was about it.

So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Some from the bottom and others from the top. I had one gentleman that talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was usual as they usually were to shy to bring it up. He had a reference for me and he gave me all of his info that I required and so I checked him out and set a date.

Our first date he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really a usual thing. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.

He was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He told me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise or talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left.

After that all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him...

I would be dressed in something slutty sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. Ad then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). And then it was straight to sex....often a blow job to start. He would push me to my knees and then move to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. And at times do some spanking. He would talk dirty too. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!

So for some randomness about him...

* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.
* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/little girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He would say I was a naughty girl while we were having sex and I always knew that was my only time to talk. I never thought with someone just random - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I was able too. Plus again he was older then me and all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me. And I never expected that because of my past.
* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.
* He turned me on...him...how he looked - naked even more of a turn on, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into me...it was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.

Firefly....

So watching Firefly....the "Our Mrs. Reynolds." It is not one of my favorite episodes, but I do like parts of it such as the "special hell" lines and the myth about the Earth and the stars. There is part where Mrs. Reynold's is overly eager to "please" Mr. Reynolds. And for some reason the whole thing makes me want to gag. But all of the things she does I have done multiple times....make dinner, wash feet, get drinks, be a companion and so on. Serving and being pleasing.

I wonder why it bothers me so then? Unless maybe I just see the act. Maybe that is the escort in me as I see that she is not really truly wanting to be pleasing. She is doing it as an act to get the end thing she wants/needs. As an escort I had to put the happy face on even when I was not wanting the "date" - but did it so that they had a nice time and I got paid....plain and simple.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on Firefly tonight.

Wonderful Wonderful Red....

I was just getting ready to go shopping the other day but I thought I would jot down what I was just thinking about...

My train of thought is often very strange...

So all the things that I came about that were Red the other day….

Red Christmas Lights
We have red Christmas lights on our tree. I really like them being all red and so does Master. I remember when we were picking out lights 3 years ago we both said right away we didn’t want multi color and all white/clear lights just didn’t seem us. So we did all red. Red hot....Red light district...no neither were part of the reason for wanting them! The pictures on this post are all of our tree. Master took them the night we put it up. One is of a porcelain winter angel, another is of an ornament that Master’s Grandmother made and he inherited. And then the last is of all the bears under the tree. I have a red flyer wagon, lots of chairs, and 2 sleds with bears sitting on them all around the tree. I even had Henry (the bear girlie bought me) under there this year with a big taffeta bow.

Red Heels
I was in the closet pulling out clothes and saw my red patent strappy heels lying on the floor. I thought I should wear those for Master during the holidays. Maybe they will inspire him to make other bits red! Thinking about wearing them led me to thought of when I got them and wore them for the first time….

I bought them in Germany for about $7 (USA dollars.) The first time I wore them was when I got back to the states and had a "date" with a client....when I was an escort. I wore those heels, a black and white nighty and thigh highs with a seam up the back. I felt very sexy and pretty that day. I also was very excited to see my client, as he was a favorite. He was the first appointment since being back from Germany too. We had a great time! I left the stocking and heels on during the "date." After I cleaned up and got ready to head out the door, I called someone I was starting to get involved with. As we were talking we realized we had just left the same area. He was only a few cars behind me. He needed to get to work so we didn’t meet face to face when realizing that but it was an odd coincidence. So that is a memory associated with my red patent heels.

Red Sweater
I wore my favorite red sweater the other day when shopping. I am not sure why I like this sweater, as it is kind of plain but it so comfy and looks really good with my black short skirt.


Red Bra
The other day under my red sweater I wore my red bra. It is a favorite bra of mine as it is comfy, silky, and it doesn’t have seams up the cup. Master has a clothing fetish. He likes things that are silky to the touch and that hug the body. The tighter the better. So girdles, pantyhose, tights, bodybriefers/shapers – all are part of his fetish. And so I wore the red bra with a black girdle panty. Master was pleased.

Red Lipstick
For years I never wore red lipstick because I thought it looked horrible with my skin. But then I got a tube that I really liked and so now I love wearing red lipstick. That is of course what I did when I wore my red bra and red sweater.

Red Bottoms
Oh the joy of having a red bottom. Spankings….making my bottom all warm and red. So yummy! I never liked spankings before Master. But the drummer in him makes the rhythm of the spanking vibrate through me.....thus making me a very wet girl.

Red Blushing
As I wrote that last little bit about red bottoms....I blush red.

Red Ribbon
Red ribbon on packages. I have several red ribbons right now for wrapping packages…grosgrain, satin, taffeta, rope-like, and curly. They look very pretty under a tree.

Red Target
I love Target! I love Target! I love Target! I really do…I spent hours in there the other day. I picked up the gifts I needed to get and then I wondered around the dishes, the bedding, the Christmas stuff, the office supplies…oh and lets not forget the shoes! It was a lot of fun just wondering!

I guess it is the season for red but I also like red...so this is my tribute to wonderful wonderful RED!

How I spent Labor Day Weekend....

Sunday morning Master had to do some filming. He went to get his equipment out and found a piece to be missing. The last time we had the equipment out was when we were in Denver a little over a week ago -- and *I* packed it up after shooting. So we tore the bags apart looking and did not find it. The only conclusion is that I didn't get packed up. So I was of course feeling terribly guilty as Master left me to pack up while He went to a meeting. It was one of those odd proud moments for me as I knew I had saved him time and felt proud to have been able to have that privilege of serving him in that moment. I had never broken the set down before so I didn't know how to even get some pieces apart but I figured it out and did it. So after finding out I left something behind I felt like a horrible slave.

Master sends off an email to the place where he shot the footage but it was a Sunday plus the holiday coming on Monday so we knew it would be Tuesday before we would hear anything. Master then priced the new piece and it would be close to $200 to replace it. So I felt more guilt about Him having to possibly spend that much to replace it because of my error.

So Sunday was kind of miserable. He wasn't sure they could get it to him in time to do his project even if they found it. So it just was adding up one thing after another.

Monday morning I am making muffins and I can't get the whole thing out of my head. I did not remember packing it up. I didn't remember even seeing it. So it was my thought it was still plugged in right where Master had plugged it in. I kept replaying packing things up in my mind. And that it had to be still right in the room that we filmed. But my thought was that even if they had someone look - because of the room it was in - it could be easily over-looked and we would hear that they did not find it even though it had to have been there. So, I came to Master and said, "okay Master I just need to get this out please and if you don't agree I will drop it and not say another word on the whole matter." He said, "okay" So, I told Him since it was the holiday I thought we could go over that day (yesterday) and stay at His parent's and then get up bright and early Tuesday to be there when the place opened and go and look. I felt us looking -- would give us some sort of peace of mind because we would know for sure if it was or wasn't there. He paused for a moment and said yes. So, we had some muffins called His parents and I got us ready to go by packing, doing dishes, and such. We headed over to Denver on a HOLIDAY! Oh my the traffic!

Our state is a tourist state plus all the locals get out of the big city and go out into the wonderful mountains of Colorado so there were lots of cars on the road. But it least it was a nice day and we had the company of each other. We arrived in Denver at dinner time and then spent the rest of the evening chatting with His parents. We were very thankful that they were okay with us giving them short notice.

So this morning....we got up early head down there. We went to the room where we had been shooting and Master pointed to me...it was exactly where He left it. He understood why I had not noticed it. And was glad we had come because if we had sent someone to look they most likely would have not seen it either. I think if you had been standing in the room you would have felt the stress drain from us. We grabbed it and then headed back to the car to head towards home as Master was going to try to work this afternoon (note I said try).

Oh on the way to Denver because we were going bumper to bumper traffic for a bit - it caused us to slow down and really look at some things we do not - normally. And we saw an old school house off the highway. Master said it looked like a good picture taking opportunity sometime. So this morning on our way back we decided to try to capture it. And it was worth the stop...the whole little little town was a treat!

It was a mix of falling down abandoned buildings, old buildings that were in relatively good shape, houses painted like gingerbread houses, little shops and such. We drove through the town taking pictures. Master was thoroughly enthralled by a bakery. He was snapping lots and lots of pictures and finally He called me over. He said, "you are not going to believe this" and pointed to the front stoop. There out in front of the bakery they had a big metal box sitting on the stoop that said FRESH BREAD on it. He opened it up and there inside was indeed FRESH bread...homemade bread...jalopeno cheddar, sunflower oat, Italian herb and asiago, rosemary and garlic, cinnamon fruit, dilly bread and so on. They mill their own flour too and no white refined sugar is used in their breads. We ended up getting 2 loaves. They had a sign that said to "please honor the honor system" on it. There were a canister in the bin with money in it -- where we placed our money for the loaves too. It was obviously a well used service. And the loaves smell so good!

After we got back in the car, Master's whole presence changed...He was so much more relaxed. Being able to take some pictures, finding a place that seemed calm and serene helped His over-all-well-being. And he noticed it too and mentioned it. It was very nice to see Him so happy and calm.

We arrived in our town - just got off the interstate and we heard the car hit something - but we had not seen anything. There was a clunk as we drove...I said I think your tire is flat. Well His car is a smart car and tells you those kind of things. But it was not saying anything so he pulled into a parking lot and looked a bit and then stopped.....there was a big piece of metal sticking out of the tire. It wasn't flat. But He knew it would be....so 2 1/2 hours later we were walking of a tire place with a new tire. So not a great way to end such a good day.

He is out filming right now as I type this up though so at least he is able to get moving on his project.

Life Update

Wednesday - We had a later start then we had planned so when we got there we just chatted with the family a bit before I went to bed. Master needed to do a few things for the next day so he stayed up a little later. But still it was a quick hellos and to bed for us.

Thursday - We were up early and off. I hung out in Barnes and Noble while Master went to his first meeting. I spent my time looking at cookbooks mostly. I saw a few that would make very good gifts. I bought a Starbucks coffee - first one I have ever purchased for myself. I had no idea what Master usually gets for me and guessed. It turned out good, but I know it was not what He usually gets me. Master ended up leaving His meeting a little early so that we could get on the road and head to our next destination. He taught a class that afternoon. While He was doing His session, I had tea with my good friend shadoe. It was marvelous.

It was a complete girly tea....table linens, beautiful tea cups/saucers, little plates, a pedestal filled with delectable treats....including mini quiches, little cucumber sandwhiches, mini cream puffs, cranberry scones. Everything was so wonderful. I ate far to much, but I just could not contain myself with all the wonderful treats set before my eyes. I am not a big tea drinker. I have never found a tea that just makes me want it more. I did like it with the milk and sugar. And I am now eager to try some more. (Also anyone wanting to recommend a tea for me to try please do so...I *think* I tried a Lady Earl Grey...it had a hint of floral to it and I liked that a lot.) After tea, we sat and talked and talked. I feel like I dumped on her and apologized for that as I didn't mean to - it just is she is so very easy to talk to and very trusted -- so I just kind of fell into it. She is a dear friend and I appreciate her listening!

Master then joined shadoe, Venture, and myself for dinner. But before dinner we saw a wonderful ritual between Venture and shadoe. Master and I agreed that the energy was intense and beautiful. We felt very honored to witness it.

Dinner was fairly short for us all...Master was tired and all of us had a busy day ahead of us on Friday. We got back to Master's family and stayed up only a little bit before heading to bed.

Friday - I had to go with Master to his office to help him film. The woman that He was working with was a bitch though. You know....it was one of those moments that as soon as we came in the door she spoke, I knew she was a complete bitch. She was busy at the moment so we went to grab a coffee and I told Master my thoughts. While waiting for our order, his big boss came in so I met him. I did not get much of an impression from him. He seemed a little flustered actually -- that I was there.

So once we got set up and starting to shoot the woman became even more of a bitch and I calmly told her things that answered her snide remarks but put her in her place of we know what we are doing and you don't. Anyway, she irritated me to no end and I was very happy to be done with her.

After I left, Master had another meeting and it did not go well. But made some decisions for Him easier. He has been bummed though. And I can understand that completely. I have been trying to here for Him but with my own depression still lingering strongly I don't feel like I am being much of help to Him.

Weekend - Friday evening we had a good dinner and then hung out with His family. Saturday morning we had a late brunch...more like a breakfast at lunch time before heading home. It was a hard day because of some things that happened before we left plus Fridays outcome. I was just so happy to be home. Master picked up Chinese take out for dinner - it makes my whole world better! We then spent the rest of the weekend trying to unwind. Including a little play time yesterday.

Today - I did some housecleaning. Master and I had a junk food night tonight...comfort food! yay! I don't start my work on the website until next week so I am hoping to get some art pieces done as presents for family and friend over the next couple of months. I am hoping Michael's Crafts has a 50% next weekend - they usually do over a holiday weekend. Master's parents gave me a gift certificate from there. Master has been spending lots of time teaching them their computer and so they gave Him a present and then me also for giving up time He could be spending with me. It was very sweet of them. They are very thoughtful always though.