Just sharing...

2 great videos on equality....for marriage.

My First....Morgan

There is a thread on FetLife about first sexual experience with a woman - posted in a group for women. I don't belong to the group but have seen many friends replying to it and it got me thinking about my first sexual experience with a woman...

When I was young, I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with or attracted to the opposite sex . I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. But I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women at a very young age. I just never said it out loud. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to have crushes on males. When I entered high school, I then had crushes on girls and boys but never really named what I was feeling for girls as a crush. The first time I acted on feelings with a girl was at a slumber party. It was because of truth or dare - I know she sensed I had a crush on her and dared me to go into the next bedroom with her and do what she told me. (We just kissed nothing more.) I had not told anyone about my desires for women up to that point because by high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My first relationship and sexual experience with a woman were when I was a freshman in college. I met a beautiful girl the first day of orientation by running into her. I was juggling books - looking for the piece of paper that told me where to go next and I literally ran into her...a beautiful girl with long wavy red hair, pale skin with freckles and green eyes. She was one of those people that walks in a room and the whole room stops talking and looks -- she was that beautiful.

I, of course, wanted to sink into the crack of the sidewalk and melt away because I was totally embarrassed. But she was so nice. She made me feel at ease telling me not to worry about it as she remembered what it was like trying navigate the campus for the first time. She introduced herself....Morgan. We stood there and talked for a bit and before we parted she insisted on trading info so that she could check in on me make sure I was finding everything. She was a year older and there on campus that week helping out with freshman orientation.

That night feeling overwhelmed and really wondering if made the right decision about being there when the phone rang.  She called and insisted I meet her for coffee. It became a regular thing....she and I met up between classes, after dinner and so on. I thought it was so nice of her to be spending time with me and making me feel welcome and at ease with the big college experience.

One day we while studying in the student union she asked if I would go to dinner with her that night. She said that we could get all girly and sexy. Her Mom had sent her money to go have a nice dinner instead of campus food. I told Morgan she should be asking a cute boy to dinner but she said she wanted me to go with me...a very cute and sexy girl. Again I just thought she was just being nice to me.

At dinner I asked her why she didn't want to invite a guy....she said she liked spending time with me. I asked if she was interested in someone. She told me she was and I can still see the gleam in her eyes. But I was not getting -it- and went on to ask her who she liked. She looked right into my eyes and said, "you." I know I blushed a million shades red. I know I probably did that thing where I pointed to myself and looked around like she might mean someone else near us. Yes I am a dork.

She told me she liked me from that first day we bumped into each other and that she had been thinking about kissing me. She went on to describe kissing me in detail. Again I was a million shades of red. I started out being flattered, then the mixed feelings set in of "I shouldn't like her...she is a girl." She saw it set in. After dinner we went to her place and talked about some of those feelings I went through during dinner.  She made me feel completely comfortable and I relaxed so much that she made the move to kiss me.  We made out for a long time. It was hot...body tingling, breathless, heart beating fast - hot.

We started to date and it was amazing. I should say I was still involved with my boyfriend from high school (he was a senior in high school when I was a freshman in college) and is the same guy that ends up being my ex-husband. He never knew about her but she knew about him. It was a sore spot and area of long frequent discussions.

But on to the first time we had sex....It was hot also with her pushing me up against a stall of a bathroom in a club. We were kissing and touching as we danced.  It felt electric - such energy flowing between us that it needed to go somewhere - else.  She lead me to the bathroom - into a stall and pushed me against the wall of the stall and pushed my shirt up and then pulling my tits above my bra.  She teased, kissed and squeezed my breasts.  She unzipped my jeans and worked her fingers into me. She told me to beg her to "let me orgasm." The place was a club - grimy but it just made it even that much better. I begged and she brought me close many times but would always stop. Finally she stopped and told me I only got an orgasm at home where I would undress for her. I had been being shy to this point not wanting her to "see" me. So she worked me up so much that  she of course got what she wanted. Because she brought that slut side out - I wanted to do anything she asked and was willing to spread my legs or whatever she wanted me to do because I was so turned on. We went home and I undressed for her....more like striped for her. She told me what to do when I started letting the shy side start to creep up she just seemed to know what to say and do to bring my slut side back quickly. We ended up having....sex...the kind of sex where the sheets somehow end up not on the bed.

Sex with her was always amazing and brought me to tears a few times too because it scared me it felt so right. The whole relationship was like that...that is why I was crying -- it just wasn't the sex. It was just that I would feel these intense feelings and during sex I often exposed that vulnerable side and would react to the feelings then.

Here is what I wrote about her for my whose who page...
She was a great, intense, deep love of my life. She and I were involved when I was 18/19. I met her when I went away to college. We connected on this level that I have never really experienced quite the same since. Her and I clicked together like perfect pieces of a puzzle. Time was lost in her....because we were in our own world. If I would have just let go and not cared about what others thought...it would have been so incredibly easy with her. Because with her things were quiet and still because all my heart, soul and mind were full of her. She was spontaneous and exciting. She acted from her heart more then from her mind....just like me. And even though we had pain, tears and regret....I love her because it was right. I could write a book just on her. She died while I was involved with her -- when I was 19. And I will always love her.

2 Announcements

One on a play going on and the other to support a gay storyline on a soap opera....

1. I nabbed this from cunningminx

It's the stage version of The Ethical Slut and it just opened at the Broom Street Theater in Madison, Wisconsin. Writer/director John Sable has created a live theater version of this poly classic, now playing at Madison’s Broom Street Theater, May 2-June 8, 2008

Carol and Chris are the typical middle-class urban couple. They’re married. They’re in love. The each have a girlfriend on the side. Adapted from “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, Multiple O tells the story of one couple’s mis-adventures as they learned how to create a healthy non-monogamous lifestyle the hard way - by making every mistake in the book.

This show contains significant amounts of nudity and sexual content. No one under 18 will be admitted.


2. As the World Turns has a gay plot line. And I am THRILLED they that do as it is a soap opera that I grew up on as my Mom and Grandma watched/watch it. Noah and Luke have gained some attention and been called repulsive and immoral which is just silly. The American Family Association wants Proctor & Gamble to stop the story line. P&G has a phone poll to ask if they should keep it or get rid of it and even if you don't watch the show I would like to ask that people call and do the poll. It is touch button you don't have to talk to anyone. Just call 1-800-331-3774 and press #2 to get to the As the World Turns poll, then press #1 to continue the storyline. Thank you!

March Q & A: Being with a Woman

Do you ever miss being with a woman and would Michael let you?

Yes I do miss being with a woman at times. And the second part of your question is complicated. It really would depend on the situation and where we were at in our relationship.


If you have a question for me, please ask! That link is at my lj -- the entry is public but the comments are screened meaning no one but me will see them and they can be anonymous too.

Coming Out...

It is National Coming Out day!

So I direct you to my post on being bisexual. And if you also didn't know I am poly even though not in a poly relationship at this time. Oh and I am kinky!

(I have quite a few PRIDE icons over at my icon community - HERE)

Supports Gay Marriage...

a video of the San Diego Mayer saying he is supporting gay marriage....he is very choked up and emotional. It gave me tears.

http://cbs5.com/video/?id=26888@kpix.dayport.com

I like girls

When I was little, I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with or attracted to the opposite sex . I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. But I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women at a very young age. I just never said it out loud. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to have crushes on males. When I entered high school, I then had crushes on girls and boys but never really named what I was feeling for girls as a crush. The first time I acted on feelings with a girl was at a slumber party. And it was because of truth or dare - she sensed I had a crush on her and dared me to go into the next bedroom with her and do what she told me. (We just kissed nothing more.) I had not told anyone about my desires for women up to that point because by high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My attraction to men has always been one of a power dynamic mixed with SM. I just did not know there was a name for what I was seeking with a man way back then. I would always want to be with men that took charge....didn't always find them but I can look back and see that is what I was seeking. But with women most of the time it has been a vanilla type of attraction but of course on the rare occasion I have been topped or dominated by a female. Okay yes sue me - I can read about my first experience with a girl - doing what she told me to do. Maybe I have a thing for power dynamics with men and women. It just seems that there are less women that I feel that with then men. Or that I am not really into vanilla men but I am into vanilla and lifestyle women. (something I would like to come back to and write about - is the place where women can fall in an in between place for me - they aren't girlfriends but they are a friend but more. Not talking a fuck buddy either - it has nothing to do with sex. It is just a closeness. My girlie will get it as it is the relationship I have with her - anyway - something I do want to come back to so that is why I am noting it here.).

I feel at times I am like a guy about sex - with men. But I am a woman when having sex with women. For me with men - sex can just be sex. It is fun and exciting but it can just be sex. I don't need to get to know them. I don't need to see them again but still have had a great time. But with women...it is so different for me. I need to get to know them before I would ever have sex with a woman or even take it to holding hands or kissing. I also usually tread carefully with women in bed....and usually feel unsure of myself for quite some time. I feel there is a difference for me because of intimacy. I feel a level of intimacy with women that I don't with men (usually). I still have problems with intimacy with women but I feel I can be vulnerable with women and they aren't going to walk away or be scared off. Most men I have been with can't handle the whole truth....just been my experience and I am not saying all men are like that. I am just saying this is how it has been for me.

So moving on....

Many of the women I have been had a big impact on my life....taught me about love in many different forms, beauty in myself, differences but same, intimacy and many other lessons.

One of them being...

Bug

- She had never been with a girl...really never had the thoughts of being with another woman but she found me attractive and desired me. She was a girl that served in the poly household with me and really the only one I desired out of all the girls he had. She was tall but so tiny that size 0 usually hung on her. She wore hardly any make up...just had this simple natural look. But she was just as comfortable in a pair of jeans as she was in high heels and mini skirt. And she looked good in everything she wore. Through her eyes I saw beauty in myself that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Through her I found I could have intimacy.

She and I took trips back to Kansas a few times together to get some of my things when Jim and I were starting to finalize the divorce. I really loved those times with Bug. We had so many romantic and fun times. My ex was going out of town and so we babysat Cali (the dog my husband and I had) while going through boxes and deciding what would go back to Ohio with me. We would turn the music up, drink some wine and dance wildly. You know that hair flying around kind of dancing. Her and Morgan were the only people I could do that with...just let go and not care if I looked like a dork or not. We would light candles in the bedroom at night and make the most sweet, tender and steamy love...touching and kissing all through the night.

We were really just so comfortable with each other. We were happy sitting watching a movie holding hands, cooking together, getting in deep discussions of life and death or lying in bed in flannel nightgowns, reading and knowing we were there together. I really do have a picture of her that is so clear it is like it was just yesterday - she is lying in bed in her flannel night gown, her glasses on and reading a book. I would stare at her and she would look over and give me this wonderful smile and tug on me to give her a kiss. And then back to reading....well most of the time back to reading.

I really miss her and think about her often. I lost touch with her because after she left the household I was forbidden to talk with her.

I have not been in a relationship with a woman for a very long time...several years....almost 5 I believe. And I do miss that closeness that I got in my relationships with women.

Gay Rights...

Well New Jersey...recognizes same sex unions but not marriage...so it isn't perfect but obviously closer...hopeful to me.

Links:
CNN
Daily Kos
Reuters
365Gay.com

Linkage....

annissa posted this and I wanted to share it too....

Jana Marcus "Transfigurations": A photo and essay presentation about people who are transgendered.

Jana Marcus "Transfigurations"

Bits & Pieces

Mail Love - Last Week I was having a really rough week with the dental appointment and the pain was just not going away and on Friday I got a pick me up that made me very grateful for the wonderful friends I have... blown away by the kindness. I got a package in the mail on Friday that was so wonderful - full of gifts to pamper a girl - bath beads, makeup, Godiva chocolate bar and more! Very Thankful to my kind friend!

BDSM Easter Eggs - Saturday evening of course was spent on the eggs. It was a lot of fun! I realized I maybe should have done captions on them but it was late when I put it up so I didn't think about it until the next day. Master and I made the props and then set the scene up on our dining room table on a piece of velvet. A friend of his suggested doing BDSM Easter eggs earlier in the day and so Master said that her and I are not longer allowed to play together because He ended up indulging his little girl by doing the eggs. Although I know he had fun....not that he will admit I am sure.

Links - Here is a cute 404 page a friend posted over on LiveJournal. Also if you have not seen the one Master did for our website please check it out too...as it is very cute!

Recently several lists I am on have been having talks about transgender...and it has come up in conversations a lot also....Here is a video clip from Buck Angel. I like what he has to say. And damn he is sexy! *drool*


Friends - I don't have a lot of local friends and so I rely heavily on the friends I have made online. Last night I got a chance to chat with 4 lovely ladies all at once online and it was so nice. We laughed, and talked boys and girls and all sorts of fun stuff. I was just able to be me and not worry about what I was saying -- which happens lots with our local "vanilla" friends - worrying that I might say something that will give our lifestyle away. Anyway, it was a very nice time to just have some fun and relax into some good girl time. IT gave me back some much needed sanity!

Pat Califia

Catching up on LiveJournal this morning and several friends plus Patrick's LJ had a message I wanted to pass on....

Patrick Califia had a heart attack. It sounds like from things I have read that they sent him home because he has no health insurance.

For those of you that don't know who he is...Patrick has been an activist for sexual and gender freedom for a very a long time. An activist for those who are queer, trans, and kinky. Put his name into amazon and I am sure it will pull up several books by him. Put his name in wikipedia and it will give you more info on him also.

I remember seeing him while waiting for an elevator at Thunder the first year I went and Master thought I had seen a rock star. I was trying to be quietly excited that I had just stood next to Patrick Califia! I know I am a silly girl. But if you have read his books you probably understand my excitement.

A friend of Patrick's posted on Patricks's lj and in his own lj asking for cards, good thoughts and anything people wish to give to Pat to help him through this difficult time. Info for paypal is on those entries also.

Linkage

Found via a livejournal friend....

Bi, Bi Baby

Pimping Annissa!

Okay I am going to do this one more time as it starts tomorrow!!!

The beautiful sexy annissa of Life as His is doing blogothon. She will be doing a blog entry every 30 minutes for 24 hours! All the money she raises is going to PFLAG. And if she makes it to $1000 her clan is going to match it! So she is not that far away and I wanted to give her one more plug to see if all of us wonderful kinky folks could help her in that effort!

Click on the button below to find her entry that tells you all about it...

Help Annissa Support PFLAG...Pretty Please

The wonderful beautiful annissa of Life as His is doing blogothon and so....I just wanted to give her a plug so that maybe some of you fine kinky folks would be willing to help her out...

Click on the button below to find her entry that tells you all about it...

Kraft Doing Good!

Passing this on...
I got it from Malixe on Live Journal....

I suggest sending an email to Kraft encouraging them to keep up the good work.

Today's "Love letter" from the American Family Association:

Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends!
Kraft Says It Proudly Supports The Gay Games

Dear -----,

Kraft Inc. is sponsoring the upcoming Gay Games in Chicago. I want to show you what Kraft proudly supports. But before I do that, you need to read what Marc Firestone, Executive Vice President, General Counsel and Corporate Secretary of Kraft Foods Inc., said in refusing to cancel their sponsorship.

"Diversity is more than a word many people like to say. At Kraft we truly respect all kinds of differences. And diversity is not a selective concept. By definition, it's nothing if not inclusive. We respect diversity of ethnicity, gender, experience, background, personal style and yes, sexual orientation and gender identity. Recognizing, respecting and valuing these differences helps us be a more successful business and a workplace where all employees can realize their full potential."

The Gay Games can't get a much stronger commitment than that given by Kraft.

Kraft also owns Maxwell House, Post, Oscar Mayer and Nabisco brands, which account for almost 75% of the company's revenues.

The attached photos were taken at the last Gay Games. This is the type activity Mr. Firestone says Kraft recognizes, respects and values. (Warning: These photos are very offensive.) Click here to see the Gay Games photos.

Click here to send your letter to Kraft

Thanks for caring enough to get involved.

Sincerely,

Don

Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman
American Family Association

P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends.
-------------------------------------

[EDIT:] Ya know, it occurs to me that maybe I could make it as simple to participate as the AFA does. So I'll give it a shot-- please feel free to cut and paste and/or improve upon my efforts in your own forums.

Here's my revised version of the AFA's boilerplate text-- (SNIP!)

E-Mail: Roger Deromedi, CEO, Kraft Foods

I am pleased to learn of Kraft's sponsorship of the Gay Games, and that Kraft values diversity and integrity in the face of attempted intimidation by the "American Family Association". I encourage Kraft not to withdraw its sponsorship or encourage the AFA in any way.

If Kraft does not withdraw its sponsorship of the Gay Games, and if American Family Association calls for a boycott of Kraft, I will make every effort to buy more Kraft products and encourage my friends to do so as well. Keep up the good work!

signed--

Tipping the Velvet....

I am going to try not to do any spoilers....

I remember seeing commercials for Tipping the Velvet on the BBC almost 2 years ago. I did a search for it on cable so I could DVR it....and found it coming on at similar times Master has something set so I hoped it would be on again. I would search for it every once in a while but then gave up.

Just watching the commercial for Tipping the Velvet, mesmerized me. I knew it was something I really wanted to see, but did not think it would ever be possible. Oddly enough I never thought of doing a search for it online to get more info about it. But that was back when Master had dial up so I tried to do little online.

By the time we got Netflix, the name pretty much escaped me....I knew it had Velvet in it. And I knew it was set Victorian England and about lesbians. Well being a little slow on the features of Netflix - I did not get right away that you could put in a word and search for it. So, I just sifted through all the Gay/Lesbian movies and could not find it. Eventually I figured out you can search by just a word - Velvet. I found it right away that way - added it to to my queue and moved it up to the top!

And oh my! I completely enjoyed it! It is one of those where I was literally fanning myself at points. Delicious! I have both the book and DVD added to my wish list as well as some other Sarah Water's novels. She is the author of the book of the same name.

The DVD is divided into 3 episodes and really I wish it could have gone on and on and on. So the story is basically a coming of age story for a young woman in Victorian England. She falls in love with a woman who is a male impersonator on stage. They end up joining together to do an act. I still have the song from their first stage appearance together in my head. I love the filming of that part - it was a great montage of them.

The filming - visually - was stunning. There is a part where her heart is broken and she is healing and they did such neat film affects.

Tipping the Velvet was incredible - an unforgettable move that made me just want more of it. I mean they ended it well, but I still wanted more! The screenwriter Andrew Davies says it is, "a sort of Pride & Prejudice with 'Naughty Bits'..." And I agree! Good thing we did watch it on DVD instead of on TV because they cut out lots of it for TV.

It is just not the naughty bits that I like though - the story to me was excellent. It is filled with unforgettable, engaging characters, splendid costumes, humor and drama - incredible touching moments and romance with beautiful, charming actresses. We started watching late at night and thought we might not get through it all since it was late...but we could not stop watching so stayed up to watch all 3 episodes.

The main character is Nan Astley is played by Rachael Stirling who is Diana Riggs (The Avengers) daughter. And during it I thought she look a little familiar but could not place why and gave up trying to figure it out as the story just engaged me so much. Some reviews I read said that the characters were too pretty - especially the lead - and I get why they said that but I also think - it worked out fine and it was an enjoyable film because Nan's story made me want to know me want to know more...she was appealing to me.

So I recommend this movie...it is one I watched 3 times before sending it back and I am still raving about it.

Second Set of Interview Questions

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Meme: 2 More Questions Answered

Do you identify with a certain tarot card?

I really don't identify with a card at the moment because I have not been doing it enough lately to have them speak to me. Which is a regret of mine as I really enjoy tarot even for meditation...focusing on the cards that are drawn and seeing where it takes me.

I have 4 decks. Three standard kind of Tarot sets (3 based on the Waite Tarot - but I basically just use the one and am looking for another set that I really can identify with). And then Osho Zen Tarot set....which does not go by the Wait Tarot system.) I love that deck a lot....has cards that deal with Mastery of Action, Mastery of Emotions, Mastery of Mind and Mastery of the Physical. It does have a major and minor arcana but again they are not like the Waite Tarot system.

Long before I met Master the 10 of Swords in Moni's Tarot Deck used to come up quite a bit. On her deck it is a face with all sorts of swords coming in through different places. It is actually a card I would like to do my own interpretation of in a drawing. The card artistically is a card I really enjoy. But when a person gets it in a reading well that is not a good thing. And I would get it ALL the time because my life was in such shambles.

But Swords go with all the air signs and I am one...being a Libra. So swords seem to always show up in my readings. Another card I used to get quite a lot and identified with is the justice card...again it is associated with libra's.

I know Moni associated me with the moon card but I bet that has changed. Well maybe. I know why she picked it when she picked it represent me on her website.

Okay so fast forward to when I started talking to Master - The Fool was the card that kept coming up. Now that card does not mean Master was a fool or I was a fool. The Fool actually is a good card to get in a reading. It is also the only card in my Osho Zen card that is similar in meaning to the standard tarot deck. So that card kept coming up over and over and over! And I even pulled it the day I met Master. So for a while I strongly identified with that card.

The Fool on my Osho Zen set means:
"The card indicates that if you trust your intuition right now, your feelings of 'rightness' of things, you cannot go wrong. Your actions may appear 'foolish' to others or even yourself, if you try to analyze them with a rational mind. But the 'zero' place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides not skepticism and past experience"

But I have not had the Fool in a while.

So since getting the question - I have done a few just quick 3 card drawings and death has been coming up and also I get a tarot thing in my inbox that was death the topic of the one the other day. On my Osho Zen one I have gotten a variety of cards but I did get the one that has similar meaning to the Death card....it is the transformation card.

Death means changes are coming....death of one thing to bring a new thing. A transformation of sorts.

But then I also am still getting my absolute favorite card that I relate to in my Osho Zen deck...No-Thingness. I also received creativity a few times and today I got consciousness.

Okay so enough babbling on that....to answer the question again...no at this time I really don't identify with a certain card. But there have been cards in my past that I strongly identified with in tarot.

It says you are bisexual but I have never seen you talk about women are you involved with a woman currently when was the last time you were involved with a woman?

Yes, I am bisexual and if you have been reading this journal for only a short while - no there would not be any talk of it - as I am not involved with a woman currently. And not sure if I will be again as I am owned and that would be up to Master if I am able to have outside relationships. He, I believe, will want to be in the relationship too...so a triad or something of that nature. But He does not believe we are ready to pursue any outside relationships at this time, but is not ruling it out for the future.

I have talked about a few women in this blog that I have been involved with...Morgan and Honey being just 2 of 6 or 8 I have mentioned. Taking from another entry I did on being bisexual and also adding to it....

I have been with some incredible women. A lot just didn't work for various reasons...

One who I have written about did not work because I was owned (this was before Master) and she did not wish to be a part of our household. I was allowed to be with her a few times on my own but it was always full of guilt trips put on both of us. And full of lots of up and downs of emotions. So, then when I wasn't owned and could freely form a relationship with her...she was owned. So we were not allowed to get together again.

Another that I written about - well she was not truly bisexual. She loved me and loved me enough to want to make me happy. And so she was with me because she loved me. She has been with women but she is truly not attracted to them. It is usually for the man in her life that she is with other women.

I was with a couple of women who were rebounds usually rebounding to them after being in relationships with men and so just talked about them briefly.

I also was with another woman who was part of a couple. We were trying out the triad thing. But it was too soon for her at that time and so it did not work. We are still very good friends today.

Then just a couple others that were just sex (which is fun, but sometimes a girl wants more and actually usually with women I want more - men I can just have sex with and walk away but doing that with women is harder for me).

I have also been with a few women I did not want to be with because of being owned and in a poly household. I did it to please the dominant. And actually I was with two women that I did want to be with because of that same D/s relationship.

And last but not least was Morgan, was my first love...and she meshed with me in such a wonderful way it is hard to describe with words. She was tender. She knew when to take control. She was completely open and honest with me. She gave me so much of herself. It was so good...I love her...still.

Have you ever read lyrics and thought that the music must sound one way...and then you hear it and it is totally different but works...works perfectly? That is how it was with us...I think people probably did not understand how it worked. But then saw us together and went wow.

The only problem was that by that time I grew up the views of society were influencing me. And so I pushed because I could not accept that I was in a relationship with a woman.

I talk about some of the women mentioned on my who's who page.

I have not been in a relationship with a woman for a very long time...several years ago....almost 3 I believe. I had several offers that I had to turn down because of the place I was in at those times mentally and emotionally. And again I am not sure when/if I will be again as that will be up to Master.

The Last 2 Weeks....

We left for Master's family and had a family event there on Sunday (Dec 19). It was their bake-off. Everyone in the family bakes something to bring. It was a nice time. Sugar overload for sure though. We spent several days there before getting on the plane to go to Minnesota to visit my family.

Master had met my parents, but no one else in my family and He got introduced to everyone the very first night we were there. Even got introduced to a few family dramas right away (such as my sister being late for dinner).

We have a tradition of going out to eat with my aunts and uncles to a very nice (read expensive) restaurant. So that first night is where Master was introduced to everyone. It was a good food, but not worth the price to me. But it was nice to see everyone.

Then one night we had dinner at my Uncle's and Aunt's house. And then a cousin of my Mom's that I have good memories of was also there with her husband for dinner. So it was nice to catch up with her a little bit. One of my cousins (from my Dad's side)and her family came into town just to see Master and I. That was very nice of them. Her and I were very close when growing up. We are close in age and just spent a lot of time together as kids. Her kids are adorable. It was good to see them all.

Then on Christmas day we had a different day but it was still nice. We had fondue. Usually we have prime rib and some Norwegian traditional food. But this year my Aunt decided we should do something different. It was really good, but kind of hard to do with so many people. But again it was just nice to be with everyone.

While in Minnesota we shopped of course. We went to the Mall of America. I thought Master would just like to experience it at least once. And He really did love it and I think when we visit again He might even want to go there again.

There was one store we went into looking for something for His parent's. We found them something right away and so we picked up and checked out. As we were leaving with present in the bag we saw this little snowman so we went back and got that. We joked with the clerks that we can't get out of the store. We even said we are leaving now. So on the way out...guess what....we saw a Santa in a sleigh we saw earlier in another store. But it was half off in this store. It is fairly large piece and regularly priced it was quite expensive. So seeing it 50% off Master said we should get it. It will look really good on top of the entertainment cabinet next year for Christmas. So we checked out again. The clerks joked with that they like people like us and to keep looking. But we just kept our eyes on the door after that!

We had an intense conversation with my sister at lunch that day. She is a lesbian and we talked about Mom and Dad not accepting her. She started crying. And when anyone cries I have to join them. And so I started crying too. It was hard to hear the things she was telling us. I might have a religion rant soon because I just am so irritated with organized religion right now. It irritates me that they teach hate even though of course they would say they don't.

The last night there Master took lots of pictures of my sisters and I. We had what we called a Senior picture moments. We were all posed in cutesy ways that you would do when you had your senior pictures. But they actually turned out very cute. And my sister who absolutely hates having her picture taken even liked a few. And she never does so that says something. Master did great working with us three.

It is a catch 22 living far from my family...because I miss them, but at the same time I love the freedoms Master and I enjoy with not having family near us. I wish I could be closer (distance) to them so that I felt more apart of things like I once did. But as I said at the same time I don't want that. I love having our alone time. And I love that we don't live near family so we don't have to worry about being outed by them just dropping in on us.

This trip felt very rushed and busy. I wished for more quality time with my sisters and Mom and Dad. We seemed to either have lots of family events or my parents were busy. So it was kind of an unusual Christmas for us.

Master seemed to get the essence of our family though even though it was a lot more chaotic then years past.

Christmas is about spirit in our family and I am not necessarily meaning religious spirit even though my folks are very religious. But family and celebrating together is important to our family. Being together to talk and just be with each other is important. The spirit of our family is important.

This year my Mom seemed to very stressed though. And with due cause my Grandmother had surgery on the 27th and everyone was quite worried about it as my Grandmother is 88 years old. Combine that with some pre-holiday parties and family get togethers my Mom did not get all her usual holiday preparations done. So I know she felt bad about that. Also she was not feeling well.

But all in all it was good to see my family and have Christmas with them. My sisters and parents went overboard with presents as usual. We ended up having to buy another suitcase and still did not get everything in...Mom is sending me a box of stuff I could not fit into the bags.

When we got back to Master's parents we were hit with some bad news. Master's niece was diagnosed with cancer. She is a freshman in college. She is a quiet, shy girl and college seemed to be good for her and now she will have to drop out for now to do treatments. It was hard to hear and it is going to be a hard road but her spirit has been amazing. She is a very brave young woman. Master and I did up a care package/basket for her since we were not able to see her as we had been exposed to many sick people in Minnesota and her chemo will be wearing on her immune system so we did not want to expose her to anything right now. She needs her strength.

Things at Master's parents are always a little hard. My parents give a lot of space to me when I visit and this time was not different even though we had family events there is no pressure in them. At Master's parents there seems to be pressure to be there and be doing something. Anyway, we were discussing it while there, out to dinner with some friends and also on the way home that it is hard to be around family.

While we were at Master's parents we went to see some friends that live in the area. And I know that probably did not make Master's parents thrilled. But had a great time with our friends. It is a pleasure to be with them and I always hate when we have to end the evening. They are a great couple that I have talked about before. I always enjoy their company such wonderful people.

We headed home then on December 31. We seemed to hit it at a good time not running into much weather or traffic from the skiers. After we got home, we went to the post office and then to get a few groceries to get us through for a while. And also picked up some alcohol. We spent the evening watching TV (catching up on West Wing that we record from Bravo), snuggling, having fabulous sex, playing games, eating and drinking. We kissed at midnight toasting with pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Yummy!

This weekend has been lots of relaxing before Master heads to work and I head into getting the house back in order.

Bisexual

You are 89% Bisexual

How bisexual are you?

To go with the Bisexual quiz...

There was a question on a group the other day about being bi or not...

Bisexuality means sexual or romantic attraction directed towards some members of more than one sex.

I think someone can be bisexual and never "act" on it. I also believe someone can be with both sexes and not be bisexual.

I am bisexual. I am odd at times because when I was little I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with the opposite sex or attracted to the opposite sex. I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. So I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women. But I did not say anything. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to go for males. It was at a slumber party that I first explored with another female and that was during truth or dare. I had not told anyone about my desires up to that point. By the time I entered high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My attraction to men has always been one of a power dynamic mixed with SM. I just did not know there was a name for what I was seeking with a man. I would always want to be with men that took charge....didn't always find them but I can look back and see that is what I was seeking.

But with women most of the time when it is vanilla type of attraction but of course on the rare occasion I do like to be topped by a female (DM and Jackie coming to mind).

I have been with some incredible women. It just didn't work for various reasons...I was owned (this was before Master). And then when I wasn't she was owned. Another one well was not truly bisexual. A couple were rebounds. Then others were just sex (which is fun, but sometimes a girl wants more).

Morgan though is the only one I have been with who it has been ideal combination of everything. She was tender. She knew when to take control. She was completely open and honest with me. She gave me so much of herself. It was so good...Oh how I love her...still. Darn period...crying. I miss her.

Well that did not end up where I thought it was going....just thought I would write about being bi. But I guess....it is appropriate that it ended up with her...

Have you ever read lyrics and thought that the music must sound one way...and then you hear it and it is totally different but works...works perfectly? That is how it was with us...I think people probably did not understand how it worked. But then saw us together and went wow.

The only problem was that by that time I grew up and the views of society were influencing me. And so I pushed because I could not accept that I was in a relationship with a woman.

Hindsight...I wish of course...now I could do it differently. I sometimes fantasies about where life might have taken us. I wonder if that lyrics and music would have been made into a symphony. Because when I think about it...without those fears of the past it feels like it would have been incredible.