Friday, November 29, 2002

Well this is going to have to be quick. I had so many things to do today…that I did not think would take lots of time but most of them took 30 mins to a hour more then I realized they would. And that is how my whole day has been! Fun Fun!

I am not writing much lately….that is of substance….at least in the last few days.

I have lots on my mind though.

Last night I read a post on bondage.com about Humiliation vs. Degradation…

I really liked what the person had to say…it turned me on, it made my mind race with possibilities, it made me read it and nod knowing that is how it feels for me too…

And how she defined the difference between the 2 is very similar to how I do….

Humiliation to me is very erotic. It turns me on…when I masturbate it is one of those things I think about. Example: When M takes his fingers and pushes it into me and says you are wet piece of fuckmeat…and then smears it on my face. That is humiliating to me. It turns me on.

Degradation also actually turns me on too but to me it is more of a ripping away and expose pieces of me that I keep hidden and bluntly pointing them out. It can be used to bring me down…bring me down a rank. Example: M thinks I think I am all that and a bag of chips….he thinks I believe I am always right. He feels basically I have a big ego and need to be more humble and know what is really inside me. He will tell me I am nothing often and make me repeat it back to him. He will make me do things to show me I am nothing. I am not giving examples purposefully : )

So not sure it shows it but…there is a difference in the feelings.

I was telling someone last night that I separate though….

I take the things being done to me and put them in a box and let it affect that part of me not all of me. M knows that…he tries to make sure I don’t do that. Last night in my chatting about this…I told the person how it actually needs to be done. Basically something I have talked about here before….my name…when I am called names….I am called names during scenes and such…but no one ever uses my name…my real name they don’t mix the 2 and so I can separate it very easily. I am those things in the box sometimes…and I am me the rest of the time. But using my name….and those things…makes those things in the box…go….wait where do we belong here or there…and basically I feel it will break the box and I will be the slut and fuckmeat and all the other names I am called.

Okay I said this would be a quickie….and…I have LOTS to do still… (

Thursday, November 28, 2002

There is always a certain peace in being what one is, in being that completely. - Ugo Betti
Whatever decision we think we are making is actually being made for us, because the decision is the end result of a thought and we have no control over the arising of the thought. -Ramesh Balsekar
Bleu's Journal

Bleu's journal entry today (the 3rd entry for the 28th)...touched me in for more then one reason....

It was so intense....just so intense...I keep re-reading it over and over again. I feel it....feel it....

Last night I had dream...very intense dream.

I wrote to M this morning...about a dream I had that seemed to reclaim some of my past.....the dreams disturbed me....but it did just as she said reclaimed the power from it.

The other reason I like this entry....it is how I want to feel so much....I want more then my body to hurt....I crave it so very very much....

I need it.

The confession...that part....keeps going through my mind....and of course that last line does too.

ohhhhh
It must have been last Tuesday's episode of Buffy....but Amiee Mann played on it....and I really liked it.....I don't know what song she sang for sure but I am almost positive it had to be this...one.

It is called Save me....(and of course I like it...I am even singing to it....even with my voice that is being affected by my voice...which is making me thinking of a memory. Kam always said he liked it when I sang because he knew I was happy in that moment.)

You look like - a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you - save me
Come on and - save me
If you could - save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell
Of the hunger strike

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
'Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone
No matter how hard you pursue pleasure and success, there are times when you fail. No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up with you. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness In Plain English"
okay so shoot me.....lol....but i found this one right after that last......and of course look what it came up.....



Slave
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?

brought to you by Quizilla



Of course i don't like that scared to make decision stuff....because....welll...i am a control freak :)

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Okay last one for a while....you know I get in these happy quizzing moods.....lol

seductress
What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

You are the seductress pin-up! You are self-explanatory. You slut!


*grins* Well the slut part i know is true! lol




You aren't sure where you came from. Perhaps your sire did an embrace and run. Or maybe your sire was an outcast himself. Either way, your powers are unique and really don't belong to any clan...or maybe a little from each. Because you of these circumstances, you aren't really sure where you belong. You tend to wander and do a bit of soul searching in your eternal life. Maybe some day...you have a while after all

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

Test Created By Oronoda


What type of artist are you?

brought to you by Quizilla


You're the classic starving artist. You thrive and take pride in the pain that you turn into art. You've probably had a very traumatic childhood and now confide in paper more than people... You have trouble remembering where you put your damn pens... all the time.
When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude. - Elie Wiesel
i feel like I am on edge...and that I am going to have nightmares when I go to bed tonight. :( I am not happy about that tought....

I talked to M for about 10 minutes. Nothing was discussed about him and I....so that is still pending.

I am back at Bill and Lisa's. It snowed on the way back. I am starting to get antsy about money. I need to start working again. So, this weekend I plan on getting the things done so I can start again.

Craving pain tonight....no craving to be nothing and to suffer. But I am craving to feel pain too. I have not had any marks since before I left for Detroit. I miss the marks. I miss them very much. I miss the way it feels when he hurts me...I miss the way it feels when I suffer. I feel it bubbling in my veins.....

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Well my mind is going in a million directions!

I have been thinking about the process of being enslaved this morning. I have been thinking about Monseigneur E and Linda lots. I had been thinking of them lots anyway but now I have another reason they were brought up front. I have been thinking about girlfriends.

Okay backing up...don't want to get ahead of myself.

I was chatting with someone last night and talking about how I react to the control. How I fight it even though....I know with everything in me that I need it. So why do I fight it? I am not quite sure but I think it has to do with trust. Most of the time the control comes....fast...which I like.....but it comes to a level of....where I am not sure I should trust that person with all of my life because what if they do something to screw it up. Nice huh?

I think it is just reactance to lack of control. Even though I want that...I have been in control a long time and so I have got used to doing things "my" way. And "my" way has worked and is good for me...soooo why should I do it another way? Oh yeah...because I want to please and serve *grin* Well I do....but I am scared of giving someone that trust and then....ending up where I am at....like right now.....where the long term affects of the control are that I get to pick of the pieces of my life and say great now what.

So I do have trouble giving up that control. With M....I struggle with it but really with M the fear that is involved in our relationship....I know not to fight the control. But he also does not have a lot of control of everyday things. He has control when I am with him...but not much more control then that. I am not sure how I would react if he took more control.

Moni and I were talking today about that I really should not give anyone control until I meet them face to face.....I am still....hurting from things done with Monseigneur E. Those things had long term effects and it really bothers me that....it feels like...I was kind of dropped to the side when things got tough. I had lots of anger yesterday. First time I really got that angry. Grieving process I guess.

It has been really hard for me not to email or im him. But I have not....and when I get the urge I tell Katrina or Aydeen and they stop me lol

I also had them brought up front last night because I found out someone that I have been chatting with knows them real life. Small world huh?

Okay last topic girlfriends....

I was thinking about someone this morning who told me they had a crush on me. I was thinking about her because well she is great. She is a good friend...she is very pretty, she is very sensual....and we have a lot in common. Her and I had a talk a while back because....she knew it was not going to go anywhere...and I started thinking about that this morning...

My focus right now is wanting to find my Master. That is the path I have been on...

I want a girlfriend but...because my main focus is this search....I don't feel I can give....into a "real" relationship with a girlfriend. And because of that....I think I would hurt this person and any person I might get involved with. And so I don't look for a girlfriend because I don't want to hurt anyone. I was trying to think about what I am looking for in a girlfriend....I need someone who does not need me...where we are friends and every once in a while have a hot date one night where it is steamy and soft and tender all at once. And then back to friends. I guess that is why it works with my friend in Detroit (who I really need to get a name for here) because I can go and see her and hang out and just be friends have a hot night where she bring the slut out in me and then I can come back here...to Ohio and be on my path again.

Why I thought of this....well I am going to see this person I had been thinking about tonight....and so that is what I am sure spawned my thoughts of a girlfriend and not wanting to hurt her. I know she has this all resolved in her mind but I guess I did not in mine.

Well I suppose I better head home I am at Moni's still. Not spell checking this so sorry for any huge errors :) I know there are always grammar errors. :)







Monday, November 25, 2002

Can a slave have expectations?

I believe a slave can be searching for that one she wants and have expectations....before she accepts to owned as a slave...she needs to be very clear with what she wants and expects. After she has accepted that she will be his slave....then she cannot expect anything other then what they negotiated.

Okay do I find this realistic...no. Why? Because I don't actually believe a person going into a relationship comes to the table with everything out on the table. Because as you start your relationship you are still getting to know one another.

Compatibility seems to be one of the top reasons relationships don't last because they get into it fast with these few deep interests taking over and then find out that all these other things vanilla included are not clicking and matching up. Gawd do I know I do that...lol :)

I guess to me...a D/s couple grow to be Master and slave and then expectations in the slave soon fall to the way side because one they are getting to know each others likes and dislikes and two perhaps the most important...trust is built and that submissive as well as that Dominant are going to trust that when that Dominant says he is going to do something he will and when that submissive says she will do something she will. They learn to trust that each other is looking out for the best interest of them as a couple. They learn to trust their feelings for each other. They learn to trust their...lives together are going to go forward and will be OKAY.

I have some friends that they entered into their relationship....and she started with limits. He allowed those limits because he knew that eventually she would learn to trust him and DESIRE so badly to lose them that she would let go of her safety net. And she did. Her giving those to him was a big step and he was very proud of her. And she wanted to do it because their relaitonship had grown to that point where she wanted to give him everything. It does not happen over night....that trust needs to build.

Okay done with my little rant :)

Sunday, November 24, 2002

"heart is removed, you tripped on the rug, now you're shimmerless and infected like a drug. your wishes are meaningful, your contents a glare.. but if you think you can run from me i think you should be scared." ~ by Senah a blog I just stumbled across tonight and kind liked that.

Lately I have not listed the music I am listening to but I am still of course listening to music. It has been heavier for me then my normal tunes...Linkin Park In the End...I listened to over and over about a hundred times last week. One day I played nothing but that and Puddle of Mudd.

Here is the lyrics to In the End by Linkin Park

"In The End"

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

good song...

And then another one that I am singing to a lot right now....


by Puddle of Mudd

"Blurry"

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Don't you think those are interesting lyrics to be going with the moods, situations and life just happening with me?

Ohhh look at the lyrics for Control by Puddle of Mudd! Some good lyrics there :) Make me think of M in some parts of it!

Last night was Carpe Diem and I always enjoy being around friends. I then went to the play party afterwards but did not play. And that was no big deal to me. I am not feeling well still so that fine with me.

Something that has been going on is...I have been dealing with some Kam issues/feelings/thoughts. And last night I gave the rest of his things to a friend of ours. And then today I got an email from him. It was a hard email to read. I know I have not even fully digested it yet. I don't want to have to deal with it actually, but will eventually. I know it had to be a VERY hard email for him to write. I do appreciate him writing it though. I love Kam and always will. He changed my life....forever.

I saw M today for just a little bit.....I think he was going to just go play with me but then I asked to talk to him so we went to lunch...him ordering for me of course...and he made a good choice. I am VERY silly but one of my favorite meals is...cheeseburger and fries. This burger he got me was a 3 cheese - cheeseburger and it was REALLY good!

Anyway, we talked about the things I did not want to be a grown up and talk about. I did not want to have to stand up and say yes this is what I need because basically my fear he will stop seeing me....and I like so much about him. I like how I feel when I am with him. I like the things he does to me of course...the brutal and extreme things. I like just our talks and hanging out too. I like that I feel safe and protected and cherished (that word seems so weird to me to be describing how I feel with M but it is true) I like when he tease me. I like when he is sarcastic and funny. He has many wonderful qualities that make it very easy to want him. So I talked and then he talked. He gave me a few things to think about and so I drove back to Moni's and thought about those and then wrote him with some things that I thought about so right now it seems we are in a standstill of talking.

He did something right before we left....he actually stopped me from leaving to do.....and of course it got to me....it made me giddy and that rush I get from him when we play....I got that same rush from this simple little act....of...affection....silly me :) *blushing*

While in Detroit I did lots of thinking but I also had some dreams and then in one of the dreams it was basically telling me not to ignore my dreams. I woke up wide awake knowing that I had to confront M about some things I have issues with....and a lot of it goes back to Todd. I know it is not fair to put my past on to M but I need to also learn from my past. I have had lots of dreams of Todd lately where it proves to me where he was an illusion. I am not saying M is...an illusion but...he does have some things that he does not open up to me about that give me red flags. And I give him A LOT of trust when I play with him as hard as we play.

When I got back from Detroit, I was talking to Sir Laz one night and he asked me about my goal. And I told him my goal and he said are you on a path for it....

And when he said the word path I burst into tears. Because this light bulb came on that said to myself...that I got off my path. And so now I am trying to get back on it. And I think M is actually very proud of me for doing that but I also think he believes I gave him a to z already so why do I need to cut it back to a to m. He also has had the luxury of almost complete control...he knew he could pretty much ask me to do anything and I would....scary thought huh? But it is true. And now...I want some of that control back and he does not want to give that up at all. And to be fair...if I met him and said that he could have control of a to m but I had control of n to z he would have never got involved with me. Not that M expects complete control instantly but....he has guidelines and within the guidelines there is some control for the submissive but he has most of the control.

So it is not fair of me to say....I want this now. Can there be a middle ground worked towards....maybe. Maybe not though.

I started to cry in the car today with him....I think that maybe surprised him and caught him off guard. I had some tears with the pain he has given me but not tears of sadness with him. I am really scared...

ending that like that...because right now....life is just kind of scary.

My life is pending...as Moni would say.
All the faults of our mind – our selfishness, ignorance, anger, attachment, guilt, and other disturbing thoughts – are temporary, not permanent and everlasting. And since the cause of our suffering – our disturbing thoughts and obscurations – is temporary, our suffering is also temporary. -Lama Zopa Rinpoche, Ultimate Healing

Friday, November 22, 2002

Not sure what to be thinking or feeling right now. I am sick and so kind of out of it. I am tired but not tired. I slept all day....which was a good thing.

I had dreams today while I slept that turned me on a lot and right now I am so wet LOL I know big surprise but I am sick you would think it would be harder to turn me on lol :)

I did a bad thing...I did not contact my friend in Detroit right away, soooo she was upset with me. She was worried. I did not like that feeling of course that I upset her. I don't like upsetting her. And then I need to be good so that I can continue to see her....because behavioriour basically reflects on her...in an odd way. So I need to be a good girl so I can continue to see her.

I chatted with M for just a few moments tonight online. We are going to get together on Sunday. We need to have a talk. We have several things we want to talk about.

I just hope the talk is good...goes good.

Since I am staying in town....Carpe Diem is tomorrow night. So, I am going to that...if I feel better. And then a party afterwards. It will be good to be around friends.

I feel like part of me is just turning some things off because I have reached the point of overload. I am actually sure that is why I got sick...I just started to have many things that it drained my energy to fight off anything.

I know my journal has been full of doom and gloom lately but I do know that...I have many gthingsings in my life. As I have said before in this journal I talk about the doom and gloom things more because that seems to be the time I feel the need to write. I try to mix in the good but I know the bad times are here more then the good but that does not meant there are not any good times....there are good times too :)
Just a quickie while I am up to take some medicine. I am sick.....so I am not going to Detroit. I left Ellington - my teddy bear there so I guess I will have to go back after I am well to get him. I chatted with M last night a little....and looks like I might get to see him this weekend since I am staying here. I hope I feel better by the time he wants to see me. Right now....ugghh I know I would not be any fun. I am wishing I had a bedroom and a bed right now...that was mine....that I could go to bed and sleep for a few days. I am very lucky to have such good friends giving me places to live and stay....but my own bed is something I am missing right now when I am sick.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): On one hand, you feel as discouraged as you’ve felt in a long time. It doesn’t seem like anything you do is going to make a difference. On the other hand, you see a spark of optimism, even though you’re having a hard time keeping your mind still. Let it run all over the map today, even if it feels hopeless at times. It’s going to get better.
Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence? -Sai Baba
I found out today that....Jim got remarried. He promised to tell me himself...but of course...the one way I did not want to have to find out...I did. Oh well...I was upset more then I thought I would be but I guess that was because he lied to me....and did not hold up his promise. I know I hurt him and he does not have any obligation to me but...it still upset me. It really sucks also because he has all the things he wanted now...married, wife, house, new job - better job.....and probably will have kids too...something I could not do for him.....

oh well...life sucks still :)
I just was reading old archives specifically last Novembers...and I am just so annoyed at Di again in this moment and I let go of so much anger last month and reading some entries and remember how it was....really really just annoys me that she sat there and let me talk about Todd and get upset and cry and lied to my face...so nice huh? Such a good friend (said with HEAVY sarcasm). Anyway it is just a moment...I am sure I will be past it by the end of the day. Far more important things in my life then to let myself be bummed about then her lol

She is probably very lucky we did not end up doing that tarot reading that day because if I had been there watching...I would have had evidence on the table before me that would have helped me not stop pushing the dreams I had away. I would have confronted her then. I actually wish that is the way it would have happened. Then I would not have kept having the dreams. I need to start trusting my dreams more. I actually am....one reason I am going to do something I don't want to do but feel it is the best for me.

I also got sad because last years entries about Nick made me sad....I remember wanting to visit him last year at that time. And the reasons I couldn't. It seems now that I just should have said I am coming. Oh so submissive *smiles* But....at least we would know by now....*shrugs*

Then top it off I talk about work lots and I miss my business but I don't want to do that again as it took up all my time.

Right now is a big time for me to be reflecting....every year is like this....

Something else I should probably write about that I have not been....

I have had lots of things with my past....my childhood come up lately. I had 2 flashbacks while in Detroit. I have had some with M. And my nightmares are becoming more vivid...I am remember more of them. I have always had them...nightmares but I would wake and not remember them just know that they were about him...and that was it. Now I am remembering more of them. :(

This time of year is not the time of year I really want to be dealing with it either. :(

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

I woke up feeling awful this morning but am feeling much better.

I talked to Nick the other night he was wondering what was up with my post when I was in Detroit. I read it….and I was like okayyy that was a little weird lol

Before I left for Detroit I had one of those moments where I was looking at my life going….life sucks. I am really not out of that moment. But I do have good things in my life and I can see them. I just thought I had my life goals planned out…and things changed….so I just feel like I was pushed down to the floor and not sure how to get up.

Though emotionally right now I am doing much better then I was 2 months ago. There for a while Bill came home to me crying almost everyday. He said something like so far M has been much better for me because I cry much less lol

Anyway…Life Sucks…but…I see the hands in front and actually behind me picking me up….and pushing me forward…I have great friends and M has been great.

I just so tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of waiting. Tired of being lied to. Tired of giving so much. Tired of hanging on by my fingernails.

I ran away to Detroit and focused on other things…and even though I came back that first day feeling very calm and certain of my direction...the feeling of being overwhelmed is hitting me again.

So now I am going away to Detroit this weekend…. I hope to be beat and to have sex and forget again for a little bit…

I hope to see M before I leave….I need to see him. I missed him lots while in Detroit. Tomorrow night is dinner with a friend. Then Thursday is GNO….and then Friday morning I leave for Detroit and actually am going to be able to see Sir Laz. He is near Detroit and I am going to go pick him up and bring him to the airport. It will be good to have hugs. He is like a Daddy type but not at the same time. I am not sure how to explain that. He is family. He is comfortable and safe and makes me feel safe and grounded. So seeing him I am sure will be very good for me.

My desk and room area are a mess…when I get back next week I really need to get organized. When I am not, it makes me get down even easier or more.

I am back and should be writing here…again and yet I am still writing in my hand written journal….weird huh?

From 11/13 hand-written journal:
Sometimes I wonder if I will be wandering from place to place and never have a place to call home.

I have been thinking of my life and where I want it to go - where I have wanted it to go for the last 3 years….and I just don’t seem to get closer to that goal. I move out and in with Bill and Lisa and I thought I would be out by Christmas actually…I just thought how…well never mind…anyway….I thought I would be Owned and my life as a slave would be starting. But now….

But now….is now…full of….me wondering….hanging on….by my fingernails.

Okay so that was written while in Detroit.

I have written in my journal since then….but mostly it is about M. And those things….I just keep very close to me….closer then I am sure most would like…as M is very exciting.

He….is….very intriguing. He is extreme and sadistic…as my friend in Detroit said….a “true” Sadist. And yet he is a good man and Dominant. He reminds me I am valuable and nothing. He degrades me like no one ever has...he is brutal and sadistic and yet.....he is very good to me. He helps me and guides me. He tries to slow me down….He reminds me who I am and that I have a brain lol .

SM said to me how can nothing have value. And I told him nothing can have great value. It is metaphysical not physical. Right now I am reading a book on Buddhism. And that really comes back to so much of my philosophies on being nothing. I know I wrote about that while gone. I should try to find it and type it up.

Thinking of M and playing with him now (and of course getting very turned on *blushing*)….and that made me think of….

I go through periods of wanting to feel “bad”….as in opposite of being good. I want to feel bad. I - in the past - worried about that….worried that wanting to feel “bad” was “wrong.” But in the recent years I have just wanted to feel “bad” - because to me it feels like….if I could feel bad…there would be so much junk that I could let go of…and it would be a good therapy session : )

I have lots to do tomorrow…so I better sign off…and make a list so I am ready for tomorrow. I will be at Moni’s the next 2 nights so I am sure I will post again from there but after that it will probably be early next week again.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Well I am being good at procrastinating ….I want to write…I should write and I am not lol

I am not sure what to write….

I went to Detroit to see an old girlfriend. Kam met her online before I even moved to Ohio. And he introduced us online and then we met in real life after I moved to Ohio. He wanted her to be his…and she is one person *I* wanted to be my sister slave very very much. I fell for her right away. She brought out feelings in me that I had not felt since Morgan. She also brought the submissive in me out very easily. I am not going to get into much of the history between her…myself….and Kam but basically she met her Master about the same time she visited us…and after she met him…she fell for her Master instantly. She was head over heels in love with him and would do anything she needed to serve and she does.

Her service is amazing. She is a slave. I actually don’t know anyone with her level of service and devotion.

So…she made choice to be with him. Lots of things happened in that next year…and it ended up that we basically stopped contacting each other. It was very hard because I love her but because someone owned her and I was owned by someone else….it was very hard…to maintain any type of relationship. Lots of feeling built - sadness, pain, anger, and resentments. The things that happened hurt me so much that I closed it off and pretended it was not there. My love for her never faded so when she contacted me…I talked with her but I was more reserved because I was scared I would get hurt again. She then reached out….needing me…needing help….and because of how I love a person….I was there for her. So, I went to Detroit….and after we got out some things about the past…we were fine. It was all in the open and we were back where we were…falling into each others arms and loving each other deeply.

I served her Master’s household while there and got to see her.

With Morgan I always felt I could be happy just being with her for the rest of my life. Well with this person….I feel the same. She makes life disappear….time starts and ends with her. And I love the feelings I have when….look into her eyes and see….her. See so much…

Right now my fear is that her Master could…make us stop seeing each other. I served him and I did a good job for serving someone without the desire being there. I was respectful but not overly attentive. It was very hard and I know he expects more from those that serve him long term.

I am going back for the weekend to go to a party. I left my bear there so that she knew I would come back. Anyone that knows me knows my Teddy Bear is very important to me. I bring it wherever I am going to sleep…it has even been to Germany.

I have lots more to write but….I need to go get some things done and then….I will write more.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

I am back........

I am kind of tired...and out of it today.....

A longer post to come later tonight...

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

This is going to be a quickie...

I am in Detroit safe and sound....this is my first chance at the computer.

I think it has been good for me to get away. It has helped ground me some.....not feeling as overwhelmed as I was but I have given lots of thought to various things in my life. I just am not sure where I want to go with it at this moment.

I think of moving and how it was a BIG change for me....and a big leap for me too.

Then with things with Monseigneur E changing....I just feel....like life has pullen the rug out from under me and I am not sure I want to get up right now.

M has been one thing that has made me get up and move forward. I am very thankful for him. He feels I am spiraling out of control and he is not sure how to reach in and grab me to stop me from getting hurt. He hates that I jump from Jim, to Kam......to Todd, to so on.....

He is right I do that....I don't see myself stopping that though for the basic reason I hate to be alone. I know it...I see it....recognize it.....but I don't change it.

Anyway, Detroit has been interesting. Not exciting or thrilling each moment. I have enjoyed my time with my friend....I love her dearly and that love I have had for her all these years has never disappeared. I am glad to be here for her. She is hooked on Ottmar Lieber too now lol

I suppose I should finish mail....I am sure I will not be posting again until I get back to Ohio.

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

I am still feeling overwhelmed and to add to it I am thinking of all the things that "might" happen in Detroit. Right now seems like bad timing for me to go but also seems like the perfect time to go away.....

All the archives are up.....now. It is weird to read through some of them...it seems like a lifetime ago...

Okay heading out the door.....not sure if I will post at all while there but sure hope I get some time. Bringing my handwritten journal so that don't go on total withdrawl from journaling.

I am going to miss everyone...:( *pouting*

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

I am feeling very overwhelmed today. I actually had really weird dreams of past things last night. Things from this summer. And of course NOW it is deciding to hit me. And that is not fun. I am going through lots of emotions today almost like I am pmsing which I might be…I guess.

I changed my cast list. I actually changed last week but…then made some more changes to it last night.

It looks like I am leaving tomorrow for…Detroit. I am going to a party tomorrow night and so I need to leave in the afternoon. I have lots to do…and I am feeling sad. I am also feeling very nervous about going. M gave me a pep talk. He told me to be a good girl basically…well he said more then that and was more firm in what he said but I know what I need to do…

I should go and get busy…joy oh joy!
Mind can be compared to an ocean, and momentary mental events such as happiness, irritation, fantasies, and boredom to the waves that rise and fall on its surface. Just as the waves can subside to reveal the stillness of the ocean's depths, so too is it possible to calm the turbulence of our mind to reveal its natural pristine clarity. -Kathleen McDonald, "How to Meditate"

Monday, November 04, 2002

Punching Bag

Tears. Sobbing out of control. It hurts so much. The pain and fear is so intense and intoxicating.  He had me hold  on to the door frame between rooms. His fist pummeled me. I am his punching bag. His eyes were dark and full of rage. He told me to not let go of the frame. I am digging my fingers in to hold on as each punch hits me. He punches me so hard that I can't hang on. He tells me I am a piece of shit as he comes towards me grabbing me by my hair. Pulling me back into the room he grabs me by my throat and throws me into the wall next to the door. I gasp as it was so hard that it took my breath away. 

He pushes me to my knees to suck his cock. He pulls me off before he orgasms, pushes me to the ground and kicks me. Over and over he kicks me. I feel the bruises coming to the surface of my skin.  I am sobbing tears. He tells me I am there for him to abuse. He tells me how he wants to bloody me.  He gets down and starts punching me again. Turning me over punching me all over.  I beg him to stop. He laughs at me. He grabs my hair and drags me behind him. I try to crawl and he pulls hard and my arms go out and my face hits the floor. He steps on my face and leans over to spit on me. He pulls me into the bathroom and pushes my head into the toilet and then pisses on me.  He pulls my face out of the toilet having me open my mouth and suck him again.  He pulls out just as he is to cum. I have spit, piss and, cum dripping down my face. 

He stands there and looks at me. The darkness in his eyes still there that I have to look down. He has me get on all fours. He comes around to between my legs and sees I am wet. I am have been scared, cried, felt intense pain, and my body reacts to it all. He bends over and slaps at my cunt - over and over.  He reminds me I am a worthless piece of shit and a sloppy whore who needs to be abused. Soon an orgasm rips through me.  After I have an orgasm he tells me to take the towel on the floor and wipe myself off and get out. He reminds me the towel is dirty and just there to be used just like me. He tells me he is done with me so to get dressed and get out. 
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may be feeling a little confused by the level of intensity. Normally, you like it better when things are more even keeled, but now it’s as if you know what your basic values are. You know what need to do about them and you’re not going to be pulled off your track. But then again, there’s this little voice in the back of your mind that causes you to wonder. And that’s where the confusion starts.
I did not sleep well at all. I could not get to sleep for a while and then after that I kept waking up.

This morning after Moni and Michael were up...and ready...I crawled into their bed and slept. I had the strangest most vivid dreams.

First was about Nick...and it is vivid but it hard to explain. Basically in it he got jealous....and I got him over it.

I had a couple about M. All of them made me feel very good and safe. He had just got home and "family" things were going on...and then he took me to the bedroom to use me before dinner. Another where his daughter said something about how good I treat her and her Dad.

And the last one....was the one I woke up to this morning...

I was with another friend of mine....she introduced me to this guy to play with...we were at a public dungeon. He was very extreme. The pain was much like the pain I experience with M, but more. I passed out from the pain. I woke up with Monseigneur E curled around me talking to me. And Linda had just left the room with a bowl of water where she had cleaned up the wounds. He was telling me he wished I would not have done that...wish I would have waited to be in his hands. He talked about pain and being his and what that meant to him....the words...the sound of his voice....his arms so strong around me....his body next to mine warming me....

It was so vivid. I mean I don't even have to close my eyes to see the image play before me right now. I can hear his voice and the words he spoke to me...right now.

So I dreamed of all three....all of them strange to me because they are leaving me feel very unsettled this morning.

I need to go get busy so I can head back to Bill and Lisa's and get working on getting to Detroit this week.

Sunday, November 03, 2002

I am at Katrina’s…Moni and Katrina are busy, so I decided it was time to write. I have needed to very much today.

I did not sleep well on Friday night. I was in some pain from playing. I was in such pain that even masturbating hurt *blushing* Saturday evening I spent with Moni, Michael and Katrina. We went to see Ghostship. It was okay. I don’t like scary movies. It was not that scary…just some gross parts lol

Then today…today…I went to see M. We hung out and talked. He took me to this little town…I had never been there…it was very cute. We walked around and talked. We talked about many things – the main one being…where we are going. I asked him where he thought our relationship might end up. He told me he was good with how things are right now. 

The other thing we talked about was fear. I like feeling the fear, but it also creates panic which I don't like. I really now think it is just lack of control. I don’t know how far M will go. I mean I know he will not harm – damage – or permanently injure me, but I don’t know where he will bring me…as I know he can/will go further then I ever imagined. And that is scary but very exciting at the same time. I don’t have control with M. I feel totally out of control with him and I panic. I never have been totally out of control.

I have always had some control. Something that was mine…to control…some way to hang on that no one knew about. But with him he does not let me do that. He takes one thing away and then the next. And it feels like they are being ripped away from me.

But it is what I have always wanted…so why do I hang on so?

We talked about the other day…when we played. It showed me how out of control I am with him. It is very scary but also feels so good at the same time.

I just stopped to talk to Moni and Katrina about this next concept. Moni understood it…I had not been explaining it right but when she used an example…it is what I had meant.

There are men that compel me or inspire me to submit to them. But I get something from them to make me feel submissive. It is give and take kind of thing. There are men who I submit to where is a conscious choice of me serving or submitting. But with M…it is something totally different that I have not experienced before. I just do it. I don’t think about it. I don’t “feel” submissive and thus serve. I just do it. I just serve him because he is who he is…he does not need to do anything. He does not have to work to compel me. He does not have to grab my hair or order for me or beat me (even though I love it when he does those things). We can be walking and talking in a little town and I just serve him…just want to serve him.

I just submit…as if my muscles don’t know anything else…don’t have a choice. It is not even a choice it just is…it is just life. It is just being me and him being him.

I hope that is making sense.

I am having an issue with M…something else he and I talked about extensively today. And I hope that my time in Detroit helps me think about it and get some perspective…on what I need to do about it.

Oh btw I am for sure leaving this week for Detroit. :)

Right now I am not stressing about Detroit but I am sure I will get to a point of being nervous. I am going to help a friend but I am serving a D/s household. It is a household 24/7 – 365 days. My friend’s Master intimidates me also. I know why…I put her up on a pedestal as I have submitted to her. And then she is his slave so…you know he is up above her. I don’t think I could do what she does always. But I will get a little taste of her life. And I am sure it will be quite the learning experience for me.

M…again today we were just hanging out and he was dominant always. It is definitely not a role for him. He and I talked about my role…something I talk about some in my journal…is being nothing.

I want to be nothing so much. I want to be brought down…so that I am nothing. I want to feel…that when M calls me worthless…it is true. I want to know it and not fight it. Every time he calls me worthless my cunt just twitches with excitement and it bothers me that I get so turned on with the names he calls me.

He does not want it to be role I put on…I understand that…because I have wanted that for a very long time.

So how can one believe they are worthless and valuable at the same time? Hmmm good question…but I think it is possible.

I know M looks at me as nothing. But he also values and respects me. He views me as an intelligent woman. It just is how it is…and he does make me feel all those things…valued and like nothing also.

I don’t think my words are coming out very well.

I walk away from him…knowing I am nothing, but feeling on top of the world. I appreciate the time he gives me…maybe even more since LDR stuff never seems to work these days. And so that time is precious.

I want to be nothing. I want to have all the layers shed off so I am nothing. Not that I am not valued. M finds value in me. And even respects me (another talk we had today). But so all the things I am for everyone else…are gone…and the only thing left is me…that needs to be nothing.

I really need to find better words to describe this state of being I feel I need to get to – to be myself.

Moni today cautioned me. And I heard what she had to say and am keeping it on the surface to examine.

Todd has popped up in dreams lately and also conversations. And there is a reason for that. I just hope it is not the reason that would make Moni’s cautions correct.

I have thought of Nick lots today also. I wanted to call him several times but held myself back. Why? Because…I can’t do that right now.

I need to get to bed. I have lots to do before I go to Detroit.

Saturday, November 02, 2002

I came back to Bill and Lisa’s last night but am going to be leaving to Moni’s again this afternoon. I should be packing and whatnot but have been sitting here reading emails and trying to wake up. I talked to M last night and we are getting together tomorrow….just to hang out and talk. I like that thought. Last night I found a music group called RedZone….I really like their music. I think it would be great to scene to also.

I feel like maybe I am crashing a little bit from the other day. Not that I am weepy or sad but just….I feel very tired.

And maybe that is because I spent last night trying to figure out WHERE I want my life to go….I know the end goal but what about the next 2 years….even a year. Where do I want my life to be in a year?

I hate those types of questions. Mostly because my life was very planned out for me. And then I got married and basically it was planned out for me too. So I know this is going to be a shocker - I am not a good planner lol

Once I became married…I stopped thinking about what I wanted in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. I just knew that I would have to follow Jim in whatever he wanted and go wherever he went.

Then I moved here and then it was the same with Kam basically. I went where he did. I did not plan. And planning with Kam was really hard….because life was a roller coaster and so very very chaotic.

Now life is pretty darn calm for me. I have options. I have things I am going to do. But I am stuck in the moment. It feels like almost something is right here….right on this edge….and I am waiting for it. Because if I make plans…this thing…will come and those plans will either interfere or throw my life in to chaos again. I am sure I am not explaining this well.

So I am kind of “waiting.” But I think it will change soon.

I have been thinking of my family lots too lately. I miss my Mom. I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. I need to start looking for plane tickets.

It looks like I am going to Detroit for a week. I am just not sure when….that will be….but I am hoping it is soon.

I wrote about being a slave the other day and I know my words did not come out quite the way I wanted them. I have doubted I could be a slave….anyone that reads that journal has read that concept with me many times. I want to be a slave. But recently what being a slave means….kind of clicked in me. I think I just learn more about it being a slave….each turn in the path. I learn more and more…and it is like there is this big dial in me and when I complete one phase it clicks to the next mark on the dial…and I am just waiting for it to go all around so it will get to that last click and everything then….will start working and I will be a slave *smiles* Wish it was as easy as that sounds lol

Devotion, Dedication and Loyalty are the 3 of the top qualities I see in being a slave. With those 3 things…all the other qualities of a slave…fall under… like obedience and service - domestic or sexual.

That devotion, dedication and loyalty I see more now. I know I am loyal. I am loyal to a fault. Devoted…I know it is something I can be…I was very devoted to Morgan. I was devoted to Don also. And Todd I was devoted too but in a different way then Morgan and Don…and that was because Todd would not let me be more devoted then I was….to him. Dedicated…hmm I believe I am dedicated. But dedication to my Owner…I have not done that yet to the point I need to - to be a slave. Because of trust basically. I mean look at how dedicated I have been to searching to find what I need….examining what I want and need and going after . I am look at that last week Kam was here….and my dedication to Monseigneur E. And how I even went against what I felt was good for me and that went against my code for myself. I call that dedication.

Which now has my mind wondering over the conversation I had with Monseigneur E on Monday. I am having problems getting over him. I needed help. I expressed what I was feeling…the disappointment, anger and sadness of what has gone on. My whole base of my argument was that I felt he gave me implied promises in his words and actions. Now I gave this a lot of thoughts before I said this because…I know Monseigneur E enough to know it could go into a semantics debate. But I was hoping he would hear me and try to understand where I was coming from and not take it as an attack. Because it wasn’t...far from it. I mean I care about him and still had dreams and thoughts of possibly being his…so I would not attack him. Not like I really attack anyone - anyway.

Okay anyway…it did ended in a semantics debate…where I felt he attacked me. And some might think I backed down….with my actions. I thanked him for his time….because I always appreciate any time he has ever given me. I remained to me….submissive. I did not yell - I did not get overly emotionally - I did not react I just sat there while he went on. I then said good bye. And that is when the tears hit. Aydeen called as she was in an im with me at the same time and I was telling her what was going on.

As I said…I thought about it quite a bit before bringing it to him. I had examples to use. And the situation with Kam was actually the biggest one to me. Because I went against who I am…and my beliefs for Monseigneur E. That to me, that he allowed me to do that…go against my belief, was an implied promise of a future. Because there are LONG term affects of that decision.

I hope that he wants to discuss it with me again. But right now I have resolved myself to….that he might not.

I have been thinking a lot of some things that M and I talked about…and just concerned. He knows my concerns; he is very supportive of me and understands that issues might make me not want to continue. I know it is some of what we will talk about again tomorrow. I just think about how he makes me feel and what that means to me and I want to continue. I want to suffer for him but am scared of it too.

I just got done chatting with him. We have quite a few things we are going to talk about tomorrow. We did not chat long but I am smiling again. Our talk was serious but it made me feel just so good to chat with him.

I need to get busy….I need to get my coat out of storage. I am in denial about the cold coming. I hate wearing a coat. I try not to but know I will have to give in at some point.

I am listening to Puddle of Mudd….when the song blurry on is when I am in my car I scream the lyrics! lol it is fun…a good way to relieve stress.

Friday, November 01, 2002

A quickie...Happy Belated Anniversary to myself :)

I have had my blogger going for 2 years :) I just realized the anniversary date passed me by...my first journal entry 2 years ago was October 28. I can't believe it has went on this long. I am very glad I have it.
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