danae

"heart is removed, you tripped on the rug, now you're shimmerless and infected like a drug. your wishes are meaningful, your contents a glare.. but if you think you can run from me i think you should be scared." ~ by Senah a blog I just stumbled across tonight and kind liked that.

Lately I have not listed the music I am listening to but I am still of course listening to music. It has been heavier for me then my normal tunes...Linkin Park In the End...I listened to over and over about a hundred times last week. One day I played nothing but that and Puddle of Mudd.

Here is the lyrics to In the End by Linkin Park

"In The End"

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

good song...

And then another one that I am singing to a lot right now....


by Puddle of Mudd

"Blurry"

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Don't you think those are interesting lyrics to be going with the moods, situations and life just happening with me?

Ohhh look at the lyrics for Control by Puddle of Mudd! Some good lyrics there :) Make me think of M in some parts of it!

Last night was Carpe Diem and I always enjoy being around friends. I then went to the play party afterwards but did not play. And that was no big deal to me. I am not feeling well still so that fine with me.

Something that has been going on is...I have been dealing with some Kam issues/feelings/thoughts. And last night I gave the rest of his things to a friend of ours. And then today I got an email from him. It was a hard email to read. I know I have not even fully digested it yet. I don't want to have to deal with it actually, but will eventually. I know it had to be a VERY hard email for him to write. I do appreciate him writing it though. I love Kam and always will. He changed my life....forever.

I saw M today for just a little bit.....I think he was going to just go play with me but then I asked to talk to him so we went to lunch...him ordering for me of course...and he made a good choice. I am VERY silly but one of my favorite meals is...cheeseburger and fries. This burger he got me was a 3 cheese - cheeseburger and it was REALLY good!

Anyway, we talked about the things I did not want to be a grown up and talk about. I did not want to have to stand up and say yes this is what I need because basically my fear he will stop seeing me....and I like so much about him. I like how I feel when I am with him. I like the things he does to me of course...the brutal and extreme things. I like just our talks and hanging out too. I like that I feel safe and protected and cherished (that word seems so weird to me to be describing how I feel with M but it is true) I like when he tease me. I like when he is sarcastic and funny. He has many wonderful qualities that make it very easy to want him. So I talked and then he talked. He gave me a few things to think about and so I drove back to Moni's and thought about those and then wrote him with some things that I thought about so right now it seems we are in a standstill of talking.

He did something right before we left....he actually stopped me from leaving to do.....and of course it got to me....it made me giddy and that rush I get from him when we play....I got that same rush from this simple little act....of...affection....silly me :) *blushing*

While in Detroit I did lots of thinking but I also had some dreams and then in one of the dreams it was basically telling me not to ignore my dreams. I woke up wide awake knowing that I had to confront M about some things I have issues with....and a lot of it goes back to Todd. I know it is not fair to put my past on to M but I need to also learn from my past. I have had lots of dreams of Todd lately where it proves to me where he was an illusion. I am not saying M is...an illusion but...he does have some things that he does not open up to me about that give me red flags. And I give him A LOT of trust when I play with him as hard as we play.

When I got back from Detroit, I was talking to Sir Laz one night and he asked me about my goal. And I told him my goal and he said are you on a path for it....

And when he said the word path I burst into tears. Because this light bulb came on that said to myself...that I got off my path. And so now I am trying to get back on it. And I think M is actually very proud of me for doing that but I also think he believes I gave him a to z already so why do I need to cut it back to a to m. He also has had the luxury of almost complete control...he knew he could pretty much ask me to do anything and I would....scary thought huh? But it is true. And now...I want some of that control back and he does not want to give that up at all. And to be fair...if I met him and said that he could have control of a to m but I had control of n to z he would have never got involved with me. Not that M expects complete control instantly but....he has guidelines and within the guidelines there is some control for the submissive but he has most of the control.

So it is not fair of me to say....I want this now. Can there be a middle ground worked towards....maybe. Maybe not though.

I started to cry in the car today with him....I think that maybe surprised him and caught him off guard. I had some tears with the pain he has given me but not tears of sadness with him. I am really scared...

ending that like that...because right now....life is just kind of scary.

My life is pending...as Moni would say.