danae

I woke up feeling awful this morning but am feeling much better.

I talked to Nick the other night he was wondering what was up with my post when I was in Detroit. I read it….and I was like okayyy that was a little weird lol

Before I left for Detroit I had one of those moments where I was looking at my life going….life sucks. I am really not out of that moment. But I do have good things in my life and I can see them. I just thought I had my life goals planned out…and things changed….so I just feel like I was pushed down to the floor and not sure how to get up.

Though emotionally right now I am doing much better then I was 2 months ago. There for a while Bill came home to me crying almost everyday. He said something like so far M has been much better for me because I cry much less lol

Anyway…Life Sucks…but…I see the hands in front and actually behind me picking me up….and pushing me forward…I have great friends and M has been great.

I just so tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of waiting. Tired of being lied to. Tired of giving so much. Tired of hanging on by my fingernails.

I ran away to Detroit and focused on other things…and even though I came back that first day feeling very calm and certain of my direction...the feeling of being overwhelmed is hitting me again.

So now I am going away to Detroit this weekend…. I hope to be beat and to have sex and forget again for a little bit…

I hope to see M before I leave….I need to see him. I missed him lots while in Detroit. Tomorrow night is dinner with a friend. Then Thursday is GNO….and then Friday morning I leave for Detroit and actually am going to be able to see Sir Laz. He is near Detroit and I am going to go pick him up and bring him to the airport. It will be good to have hugs. He is like a Daddy type but not at the same time. I am not sure how to explain that. He is family. He is comfortable and safe and makes me feel safe and grounded. So seeing him I am sure will be very good for me.

My desk and room area are a mess…when I get back next week I really need to get organized. When I am not, it makes me get down even easier or more.

I am back and should be writing here…again and yet I am still writing in my hand written journal….weird huh?

From 11/13 hand-written journal:
Sometimes I wonder if I will be wandering from place to place and never have a place to call home.

I have been thinking of my life and where I want it to go - where I have wanted it to go for the last 3 years….and I just don’t seem to get closer to that goal. I move out and in with Bill and Lisa and I thought I would be out by Christmas actually…I just thought how…well never mind…anyway….I thought I would be Owned and my life as a slave would be starting. But now….

But now….is now…full of….me wondering….hanging on….by my fingernails.

Okay so that was written while in Detroit.

I have written in my journal since then….but mostly it is about M. And those things….I just keep very close to me….closer then I am sure most would like…as M is very exciting.

He….is….very intriguing. He is extreme and sadistic…as my friend in Detroit said….a “true” Sadist. And yet he is a good man and Dominant. He reminds me I am valuable and nothing. He degrades me like no one ever has...he is brutal and sadistic and yet.....he is very good to me. He helps me and guides me. He tries to slow me down….He reminds me who I am and that I have a brain lol .

SM said to me how can nothing have value. And I told him nothing can have great value. It is metaphysical not physical. Right now I am reading a book on Buddhism. And that really comes back to so much of my philosophies on being nothing. I know I wrote about that while gone. I should try to find it and type it up.

Thinking of M and playing with him now (and of course getting very turned on *blushing*)….and that made me think of….

I go through periods of wanting to feel “bad”….as in opposite of being good. I want to feel bad. I - in the past - worried about that….worried that wanting to feel “bad” was “wrong.” But in the recent years I have just wanted to feel “bad” - because to me it feels like….if I could feel bad…there would be so much junk that I could let go of…and it would be a good therapy session : )

I have lots to do tomorrow…so I better sign off…and make a list so I am ready for tomorrow. I will be at Moni’s the next 2 nights so I am sure I will post again from there but after that it will probably be early next week again.