Crawling on my Belly

I woke up this morning from a dream. But it was a dream that actually happened to me in real life many many years ago. I remembered I wrote about it so dug it out....this is from November 2002....

My hands were still shaking when you said you were done with me. You just got done fucking me in the ass, got up and went to the bathroom like I wasn't even there. When you came back, you said, "Get dressed. I am done with you." Just like I was property. Like I was a toaster and you had toasted your bread so were done with the toaster. Except I am human so you had to tell me you were done with me instead of putting me away. You used me and were done with me.

The box spring and mattress were on the floor where I sat on the edge fumbling to get my stocking and garter belt straight. You had me leave them on during our time and they were twisted. My fingers would almost get tangled into the stockings because I was shaking. The fear and violence of what had just happened to me still hung on to me since it was just moments ago that you were just punching me, spitting on me and calling me names. Brutally taking my ass and all the while making fun of me because I was so wet that you could smell me in the room.

I pulled my blouse on and start to button it. I missed a button and you laugh at me and tell me how stupid I am that I can't even button my shirt. You come to stand in front of me. You pull my hair so I am looking up at you. "You know you are a worthless stupid cunt, d...," He says. He added my name to the end. My real name. He knows how to get to me. Putting my name with the insult - making sure I hear it and know it was me he was talking to. Hearing it brings tears to my eyes. He release my hair, laughs and walks away. He tells me to hurry that I am being too slow. I finish getting dressed and am standing - not sure where to look or what to do. If someone would have asked me to count to 10 - I am not sure I could have - I was still so shaken.

"On your knees." He yells at me. I fall to my knees before he barely had finished it. He tells me I will crawl to the door. That I am more lowly then an animal that walks on four legs. He tells me to crawl low so that my fat belly hits the floor. I follow him to the door almost dragging my body along the floor knowing my skirt and blouse are getting dirty with the dust on the floor. But I don't care as my mind and body just obey him. We stop next to the door. He kicks my side and makes me lay down on the floor. He keeps on kicking me. I don't move and just take it. I have my body and face pressed to the floor. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. He brings his foot to my face and presses the bottom of his shoe into my face. He tells me that he walked the dog the other day and walked through dog shit. He tells me I am a worthless piece of shit and so I should have dog shit rubbed into my face. He goes on to tell me that maybe he should have me rub dog shit all over my body so that when I walk down the street people would smell me and know I am a worthless piece of shit. He is still grinding his foot into my face as he goes on and on how I am a worthless piece of shit. He releases my face and has me tell him that I am a worthless piece of shit over and over again. And then he says, "You may get up and leave you worthless piece of shit."

I walk out the door and down the steps to my car. My legs are shaking. The tears are barely being held in. And still I feel the throbbing between my legs. I want an orgasm so badly. He doesn't give me those but allows me to masturbate as much as I want. It will take me an hour to get to home. I drive for a bit but I can't wait to jerk off. I pulled over into a park that I know that has some secluded parking areas. I pulled my pocket rocket from my bag (I am like a boyscout always be prepared) and masturbate there in the car. I replay every moment of the day in my head. I come so hard that I thought I might have squirted on myself. But I didn't. I was just very wet from all my time with him and replaying it all that my thighs are stickily soaked.

He hurt me - with violence physical, emotional and mental. Breaking me down. He gets inside and turns the truth out to me. It wasn't nice and pretty. It wasn't normal SM play with floggers, whips and chains. He didn't use bondage. He forces me to make the choice of standing there and taking it. But in my mind it is like there is no choice. Some part of me obeys and wants to obey to every things he does to me no matter how much it hurts, how humiliating and degrading it is - I would crawl to him on my belly willingly knowing he will spit on me and tell me I am a stupid worthless piece of shit. And I will come back for more. Again and again. Turned on with anticipation.

Degrade Me

Okay so I was reading a post by a FetLife member. If you have never read her posts, read her blog or seen her pictures - and you like humiliation and degradation - go now and look. I don't think you will be disappointed. Anyway, I recently read a post by her and it felt like I an echo of something long ago. And every so often I have went back and read it. And I finally tracked down why it sounds so familiar....feels familiar. I wrote something very similar in August of 2002. It wasn't posted here. It was posted in a private journal.

So here it is from August 16, 2002...

I want to be feeling that darkness inside that brings me to the core. I don't want just a little humiliation that makes squirm. I don't want it to be "play" - No I want to FEEL it down to the core. I want to be slapped, kicked, hit - abused and told all the names that I hear...inside...fat, stupid, worthless pig. Fat - yes it is something I do want used against me. And it is hard to find that person that will say it and mean it and use it against me. Who will reduce me to tears through the truth. I want to fight, I want to lose it and scream I hate you.

Many have said they could do it. But really many haven't. Once I need to teach someone or even just tell someone what I desire - it takes something out of it. Inside I kind of go yeah right whenever I hear the words. It doesn't feel like it is being ripped from the depths of my darkness but just repetition of what I just stated. It is on the surface. I know it isn't fair to make someone be a mind-reader though so realistically I tell them. I tell them what I crave.

I tell them of wanting to be reduced and finding that place where tears flow freely because I feel the truth in the words. And I feel myself breaking from the truth. To that darkness at the core that will finally be quieted by the truth. And I can accept it and surrender to the lowest place of all.

I wait and wait for it. They contact me and says they want to do those horrible things to me but no one touches the truth in me. I long for it...a desire waiting and burning inside. I get angry and feel it ready to claw out. I want to find someone to rip it out of me - laugh at me - and force me to see it.

Please someone do it...degrade me, hurt me, use me, abuse me.....rip the darkness out and laugh at me. Please I beg do it to me now.



***Edit to add this was written before I became Master's property. So it isn't written to him or because of him.

Scott

Written Sunday 8/19

I feel blahhhhh

There is so much that is racing through my mind right now.

Watched Meet Joe Black again tonight. Kam was on the computer as I watched it. I was saying the dialog with the movie. He was like watched this a few times. lol

I saw The Mexican this weekend. I was not thrilled with the movie. I like Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt so thought it would be fun to watch, but it was not a very good movie. There was a good line/dialog in the movie. When is enough enough....when is trying enough with love? And the answer was never.
Made me think about Kam actually. Enough was enough with him. Does that mean I did not love him? Or just that I was not "in-love" with him?

Tonight I thought of Scott. Scott is a man I met online in....hmmm wow trying to think....in 1997 I guess. He was vanilla - but not. He was Dominant DEFINITELY Dominant! lol I was actually thinking of Mistress DM post to her Perceptions (www.dmsrealm.com/perceptions.html)..., which made me, think of him. And I thought of Sir Nick probably because they have similar characteristics.

He was a vanilla guy that messaged me under a semi-bdsm oriented name. He *said* he did not know much about BDSM. The things he did know were those of the movies.

I explained to him right away I was looking for a Master. And he and I talked but because he was not into bdsm - I wrote him off. I told him we could be friends but that was it. He said that he wanted more. But that he would be friends with me. I wrote him off because in my mind at that time I was new to the lifestyle - the lifestyle as in there are more people out there with my desires. And I felt that Scott would not be able to teach me the things I needed to know about being submissive. Now I look back and see no one needed to teach me to be submissive it was just there and I had to allow myself to feel the feelings and be it.

I shared some bdsm things with him but not a lot. We talked actually mostly of my rape issues at he appeared at a time in my life when I was dealing with most of those issues. He helped me. He would write me these amazing emails full of inspiration, support and courage.

Here is something he wrote me:
Today is special, because you’re in it. Today is exciting, because you exist in someones thoughts. Today is special because you are in the world. Today might be the only day you have left, might be the only day I have left, might be the only day any of us have left, but if we treat it as though it might be , could be, maybe, our only day to tell the people we care about (and sometimes the people we don't) the things we feel and think and see..then today will be special (Totally Special) and if we awaken on the morrow we should consider, if only for a moment, that we have been blessed with another chance to do the things that mean the most to all......over again. And all of us should at least be thankful for that! And consider for a time....that if all the peoples of the world practiced this (only this) {one simple idea} everyday of their lives all the world would be at peace!!......and love and respect and consideration and honor would be felt and not heard...isn't this what everyone wants in thier lives? ~ Scott 1/9/98

He is special.....because of who he was and all he did for me.

One day I tried to explain my poly desires. But I did not know a lot about poly at the time. And he asked me if I knew about Alpha Wolves. I said no. He said I want you to by noon tomorrow to tell me what you know about Alpha Wolves..after researching it tonight. I said I did not have time. He said make time. It took me months before I looked back at that moment and see that was one of the first moments he was taking control. He was in Indiana and I was in Kansas at that time. And he was taking small things as control. At the time I was collared and in an long distant relationship that I did not get much time with my Master real life and online at that time I did not get much time either. I talked to him maybe once a week on the phone and once every 2 weeks online. So I liked the attention Scott gave me.

He asked me to go do things for him. Like go buy a sexy black top. He that he would pick out clothing and have me just waiting in the dressing room not allowed to even look at the clothing in the store…..just him picking them out me trying them. And then he would choose what he liked best and that is what I would get. I liked the idea of that. I liked the idea of him controlling that much - and to me it showed he CARED. Taking control shows me that I am cared for. Strange huh?

So anyway he did things like that and then it got to a point where I rebelled and told him no. And he was so upset with me but calm. He called me as I said no online. And told me that was not right that if I didn't want to do something I needed to explain why and so forth that he had what was best for me in his mind always.......

Now I look back and feel he knew A LOT about D/s....maybe not BDSM. But a lot about D/s. And now I want what he offered. I want the BDSM too. Because I am masochist. But I want that security he gave me. To know I was cared for.

Maybe it is not Master/slave. Maybe it is something totally different. Scott talked of me being with him someday. And talked of how my life would have been and it would have been much like slave girls without a lot of the BDSM things. I think Scott though looking back would have explored the BDSM things. I know the stories I wrote and some pictures I would send him intrigued him.

So anyway was thinking about Scott today. I did a search for him online and found he still lives in the same house and has same phone number. I was thinking of just calling him. I bet he has remarried. He certainly wanted a wife again. That is for sure.

In trying to find that email that Scott sent me I found an old journal entry.....

1/7/98

can a heart harden? become numb so that nothing can get through? do you believe love can last forever? do you think protecting yourself from love is bad? have you ever been standing in a fog and hear people telling you that they are there for you but when the fog clears you are alone? that they could not stand waiting for the fog to clear....or you pushed them away - needing to get through the fog by yourself and on your own. have you ever been so caught in a "low" - that you do not hear the people who love you the most - hear their love and support and encouragement, so that the only option they have is to back off and make you realize you have to see - because it does not matter how many time the people who tell you that it is there - the beauty and wisdom - until you believe it yourself their words are useless....and only hurt them more by speaking them to deaf ears and heart. Can you ever find someone who respects the thoughts that come out your mind? who even though might not agree with them tries to be understanding about them? is there times when we need to be selfish? is there times when the hurt get so much it pushes us to see ourselves differently....but makes us stronger?

i have lived 29 yrs for others....where did it get me? not very far emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. i have lived and loved, but insecurities drove me to place that i locked every feeling i did have left after the rapes into a little box with a BIG lock and no key. then one day the after looking hard and fighting with myself i reached into my pocket to find the key. i unlocked and felt. not always a good thing but the only way to truly live. with that unlocking of the box i started to love again...myself first....and then i added others who i fell in love with for the first time or others who i had loved forever just not always feeling their love for i did not love myself. . i gave them me....showed them love. my lid on the box still closes at time, but it never locks again. it has closed when i get hurt by those who love me....by those who claim to love me. it has closed to protect myself when i am triggered, when my feelings get hurt, it is closed when i feel i am on the edge of where the woman i am now is about to put the lock back on the box. i do not want that lock on again. fighting it at times is hard....especially when their are people around who seem to want you to put the lock back on. they are more comfortable with me that way....but i am not. so i guess this random babbling is to say....yes even though i get scared, hurt, and hmmm well bitchy at times :) i am not putting the lock on the box. and one day i hope i can take down the box completely. that is a dream i hold onto....

Wow wrote that a long time ago.....

Something I am still seeking though.

peace,
danae