Scott

Written Sunday 8/19

I feel blahhhhh

There is so much that is racing through my mind right now.

Watched Meet Joe Black again tonight. Kam was on the computer as I watched it. I was saying the dialog with the movie. He was like watched this a few times. lol

I saw The Mexican this weekend. I was not thrilled with the movie. I like Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt so thought it would be fun to watch, but it was not a very good movie. There was a good line/dialog in the movie. When is enough enough....when is trying enough with love? And the answer was never.
Made me think about Kam actually. Enough was enough with him. Does that mean I did not love him? Or just that I was not "in-love" with him?

Tonight I thought of Scott. Scott is a man I met online in....hmmm wow trying to think....in 1997 I guess. He was vanilla - but not. He was Dominant DEFINITELY Dominant! lol I was actually thinking of Mistress DM post to her Perceptions (www.dmsrealm.com/perceptions.html)..., which made me, think of him. And I thought of Sir Nick probably because they have similar characteristics.

He was a vanilla guy that messaged me under a semi-bdsm oriented name. He *said* he did not know much about BDSM. The things he did know were those of the movies.

I explained to him right away I was looking for a Master. And he and I talked but because he was not into bdsm - I wrote him off. I told him we could be friends but that was it. He said that he wanted more. But that he would be friends with me. I wrote him off because in my mind at that time I was new to the lifestyle - the lifestyle as in there are more people out there with my desires. And I felt that Scott would not be able to teach me the things I needed to know about being submissive. Now I look back and see no one needed to teach me to be submissive it was just there and I had to allow myself to feel the feelings and be it.

I shared some bdsm things with him but not a lot. We talked actually mostly of my rape issues at he appeared at a time in my life when I was dealing with most of those issues. He helped me. He would write me these amazing emails full of inspiration, support and courage.

Here is something he wrote me:
Today is special, because you’re in it. Today is exciting, because you exist in someones thoughts. Today is special because you are in the world. Today might be the only day you have left, might be the only day I have left, might be the only day any of us have left, but if we treat it as though it might be , could be, maybe, our only day to tell the people we care about (and sometimes the people we don't) the things we feel and think and see..then today will be special (Totally Special) and if we awaken on the morrow we should consider, if only for a moment, that we have been blessed with another chance to do the things that mean the most to all......over again. And all of us should at least be thankful for that! And consider for a time....that if all the peoples of the world practiced this (only this) {one simple idea} everyday of their lives all the world would be at peace!!......and love and respect and consideration and honor would be felt and not heard...isn't this what everyone wants in thier lives? ~ Scott 1/9/98

He is special.....because of who he was and all he did for me.

One day I tried to explain my poly desires. But I did not know a lot about poly at the time. And he asked me if I knew about Alpha Wolves. I said no. He said I want you to by noon tomorrow to tell me what you know about Alpha Wolves..after researching it tonight. I said I did not have time. He said make time. It took me months before I looked back at that moment and see that was one of the first moments he was taking control. He was in Indiana and I was in Kansas at that time. And he was taking small things as control. At the time I was collared and in an long distant relationship that I did not get much time with my Master real life and online at that time I did not get much time either. I talked to him maybe once a week on the phone and once every 2 weeks online. So I liked the attention Scott gave me.

He asked me to go do things for him. Like go buy a sexy black top. He that he would pick out clothing and have me just waiting in the dressing room not allowed to even look at the clothing in the store…..just him picking them out me trying them. And then he would choose what he liked best and that is what I would get. I liked the idea of that. I liked the idea of him controlling that much - and to me it showed he CARED. Taking control shows me that I am cared for. Strange huh?

So anyway he did things like that and then it got to a point where I rebelled and told him no. And he was so upset with me but calm. He called me as I said no online. And told me that was not right that if I didn't want to do something I needed to explain why and so forth that he had what was best for me in his mind always.......

Now I look back and feel he knew A LOT about D/s....maybe not BDSM. But a lot about D/s. And now I want what he offered. I want the BDSM too. Because I am masochist. But I want that security he gave me. To know I was cared for.

Maybe it is not Master/slave. Maybe it is something totally different. Scott talked of me being with him someday. And talked of how my life would have been and it would have been much like slave girls without a lot of the BDSM things. I think Scott though looking back would have explored the BDSM things. I know the stories I wrote and some pictures I would send him intrigued him.

So anyway was thinking about Scott today. I did a search for him online and found he still lives in the same house and has same phone number. I was thinking of just calling him. I bet he has remarried. He certainly wanted a wife again. That is for sure.

In trying to find that email that Scott sent me I found an old journal entry.....

1/7/98

can a heart harden? become numb so that nothing can get through? do you believe love can last forever? do you think protecting yourself from love is bad? have you ever been standing in a fog and hear people telling you that they are there for you but when the fog clears you are alone? that they could not stand waiting for the fog to clear....or you pushed them away - needing to get through the fog by yourself and on your own. have you ever been so caught in a "low" - that you do not hear the people who love you the most - hear their love and support and encouragement, so that the only option they have is to back off and make you realize you have to see - because it does not matter how many time the people who tell you that it is there - the beauty and wisdom - until you believe it yourself their words are useless....and only hurt them more by speaking them to deaf ears and heart. Can you ever find someone who respects the thoughts that come out your mind? who even though might not agree with them tries to be understanding about them? is there times when we need to be selfish? is there times when the hurt get so much it pushes us to see ourselves differently....but makes us stronger?

i have lived 29 yrs for others....where did it get me? not very far emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. i have lived and loved, but insecurities drove me to place that i locked every feeling i did have left after the rapes into a little box with a BIG lock and no key. then one day the after looking hard and fighting with myself i reached into my pocket to find the key. i unlocked and felt. not always a good thing but the only way to truly live. with that unlocking of the box i started to love again...myself first....and then i added others who i fell in love with for the first time or others who i had loved forever just not always feeling their love for i did not love myself. . i gave them me....showed them love. my lid on the box still closes at time, but it never locks again. it has closed when i get hurt by those who love me....by those who claim to love me. it has closed to protect myself when i am triggered, when my feelings get hurt, it is closed when i feel i am on the edge of where the woman i am now is about to put the lock back on the box. i do not want that lock on again. fighting it at times is hard....especially when their are people around who seem to want you to put the lock back on. they are more comfortable with me that way....but i am not. so i guess this random babbling is to say....yes even though i get scared, hurt, and hmmm well bitchy at times :) i am not putting the lock on the box. and one day i hope i can take down the box completely. that is a dream i hold onto....

Wow wrote that a long time ago.....

Something I am still seeking though.

peace,
danae