Love

I have had an amazing week. Really even with all that happened last week. This week has been amazing. Yes, I have had some not so good things happen, but it is counting the good things that truly matter.

Back in December of 2000 I changed my life. I literally woke up one morning and said I need to have a better life and knew I was the only one that could make it happen. So I did the things I needed to change it. One thing I did which was kind of hokey but simple and good for me was I woke up each morning and thought of 3 things I was grateful for. That making each day start on that positive helped me deal with everything during the day. Those things that happened that were hard did not look so hard when I had things to be grateful for.

I have started doing that again recently. I wake up (after getting more sleep than I have been in a while even though I am going to bed very late. I am sleeping. I sleeping all through the night and sleeping more hours. I have not had nightmares 2 nights in a row) in the morning and think of 3 things I am grateful for.

I am not exactly sure why I wrote that I think because I feel in control again. And clear in my mind....of where I want to go, what I want, and who I am.

Love is the focus on many of my blogger entries.

Reading The Valkyries and Meet Joe Black have played important parts in my life right now - impacted my views on love. Or maybe just enhanced them.

I want love but I do want to be owned. I was talking to Sir Nick last night and I wish I could have capture his words in print to quote him here because they are often amazing. :) But you know voice chat just does not let me do that lol I cannot even find the words for what he said. I cannot remember them word for word either (I know don't faint lol) I believe I want to be owned. I pretty much feel the words I write in my blogger and in my stories show that I want to serve and please and be owned.

I have been thinking about SM today. So I wrote him to make sure he is okay.

I started a letter to Jim after my phone convo with him last week I need to finish and send to him. I am sure he is doing a happy dance today. It is my last alimony payment today. I am sure his girlfriend is doing more of a happy dance. He was so funny when I was talking to him we talked about our dog. He had promised me that I would always get to see her. And kept saying it upset the people in my life you seeing her. And I basically came out and said his girlfriend’s name and said it only bothers her and why it should bother her that I see a dog - don't even see you. You meet your parents and I see her at your parents so what is the big deal. He kept saying it is just a dog. I was like saying yeah it is just a dog so why does she have a problem with it lol It was funny. When I started the convo with Jim he was talking about money. Some things do not change. He talked about how much his sister and brother-in-law are making. And how much he might make at a new job and that he might get a new house. And he got a new car. And so on and so forth. Money is still way too important to him. Yes, I like that money makes me comfortable. But I am not into status of it I guess. I just want to live my life to the fullest and worrying about what everyone else has is not doing that to me. He was doing some changing right after I left and it really feels like all of it stopped and he has reverted right back into the man that I left.

I joined a new mailing list group today that Mistress DM told me about. So far it has been pretty interesting. There is a post on there about my favorite topic of late lol - Love. And I have written the author to get permission to quote some of it here. It was truly incredible.

Today Sir Nick has not been able to be online. So I am missing him. He asks me really good questions. Di and I were just talking about that. He really seems like he wants to get to know me - not just the part that wants to be beat but the insecurities, the things that make me laugh, my art, my passions. It is a good feeling. I sent him my website.... the danae one that is not finished because he wanted to read some stories I wrote and I have a few on there. Well, I had just sent him a link to the stories but of course the link to the rest of the site is there lol and he explored. And found my blogger. :) He impressed me that he read everything on my site and now is reading my blogger. He has even read some of the archives. That amazes me. I want to get to know him but I am not moving very fast on that - but he shares lots of information about himself so he shares it before I can ask questions.

Oh btw side note: I said the other day in my journal that I wonder if anyone has every read the thing start to finished beside Mistress DM and someone obvious I did not put down was Di - Di reads it every day :) When I went to the social the other night someone there told me she had too. So I thank you for reading it all the way through and hope it did not put you to sleep or scare you.

Going off in a totally different direction again :) I think it is kind of amusing the Dominants that think they can dominate me right away. I get lots of offline messages on my extreme name. And if they had read the website that goes with that name they would see that messaging me with what they did gets them ignored. I am not owned by anyone and yes I want that but I want a certain type of person and I think after reading the whole site a person can get an idea of what type of person he should be before I will even give him time. I talk to lots of people even though they do not seem to be the ones. The ones that have seemed to be the most though have had similar opening lines. More intelligent and very respectful.

Okay now another little subject. Dominants that lead by example. I am going to use the little kid analogy (which I actually like). Let’s say a father's wallet is stolen. And he says in front of his kids he is going to go steal the person that stole it - his wallet. What type of message is that send the children? That it is okay to steal. It is something in my past that I have not been thrilled with - is Dominants that go off. Not in control of their anger. Where they just get pissed at someone and say I want to kill him. And some of them have meant it *shakes head* Now to me, the best thing to do is not let that person get to you because if you are letting them get to you - they are in control you - not yourself.

Well, I am off to do some work.

I will write more later…..

peace,
danae