moments of denial

Today's blogger is going to be one of those that skips around from topic to topic :)

Yesterday I had a migraine from hell lol I have my period though so I get them often when I have my period. I was lucky it was my day off. But I still did work and still feel I have things to catch up on. Nothing huge though.

I am just surprised by all the men out there that are obsessed with SEX. I love sex....but I am more then just a person that likes sex. And I get messages all the time no matter if I am on my vanilla name, regular name or extreme name that all are sex oriented. I have so much more about me then just sex. Why do guys not get that there is more?

A quote from Di's daughter's profile....which is just so on it.....she is 16 and gets it…..damn wish I had got it at 16…

"I asked myself if I'm falling in love, or falling apart, because I think of him day and night. I love everything about him, but still I don't know, then I realized that either way I'm falling, I just hope that he'll be there to catch me."

I got scared this morning. I was chatting with Sir Nick and I got scared. Fear came over me like I was going to be hurt. It took me a little while but I told him. I felt like I was going to say something snotty or just sign off and I did not want to do that, so told him that I was scared. He was very good about it as usual.

I was chatting with a Dominant that I have talked about in this journal before but never named and he asked me when the last time I came. See sex again :) Anyway, I told him last night. And he asked me how it was...it was great. It was one that made me relax so much that I slept all through the night. He then proceeded to ask questions about Sir Nick. He asked me basically if Sir Nick treated me like he did. And I said no, that Sir Nick is sadistic but that he also treats me with respect and puts me first. And this Dominant told me that "well you know it would never be that way with me." I said yes I know. And that is why I chat with Sir Nick more then anyone else.

I was chatting with Mistress DM the other night. She says that I have been preoccupied lately. And then the conversation ended up where I felt she was telling me I am not changing patterns and am in denial. So far when I have thought of the conversation I am trying to figure out what harm for *myself* is there in being in denial right now? I mean especially a year ago I would be in denial a lot longer then I am now :) Because really I am not in denial right now. I am very aware of my feelings. I just do not want to say them outloud. Because it is not time. And if it is not time for *me* then why should I say something just to make someone else's life less frustrating. This whole paragraph is probably not coming out exactly like I wanted. My brain does not function totally clear when I am on my period lol

I do not feel anything when I think of Todd now. It is weird this morning I was chatting with Sir Nick and it said Todd (slipped and typed Toad at first - Di will get that *grin*) signed online. Well I took him off my lists ages ago. So not sure why it was alerting me that he was signing on. But that was the first I had thought of him in while. I have not posted the letter to him for a few reasons. And not sure I need to now. And Sir Nick gave me other options if I feel the need for Todd to still read it. I am very lucky to have such a good man caring about me.

I am worried Sir Nick is going to get scared. And today was the first time after seeing Todd sign on - that I thought of him like that - I thought if Sir Nick gets scared like Todd did will he leave? But Sir Nick is not like any man I have ever met. He might pull away a little but he won't leave. One reason is that he is a fighter. He fights I think for what he believes in. And walking away to him I believe would not be the "right" thing to do. I keep thinking coward. I think he would think that is the coward's way out. And when I think of the word coward right now I think of Todd. He very much took the easy way out of things. Instead of feeling and learning who he was and being HONEST with himself and me. He just left. That is the easy way out.

I remember taking the easy way out. Wow...now that seems like so long ago. Di wrote about how she wants to be able to be herself with someone. How she does not want to hide anything from the one. And that is exactly it with me. I used to hide myself - daily happenings - feelings - life from people I was involved with. Why did I do that? I think just the acceptance thing. I wanted to be accepted. And I felt "ashamed" for some of my wants, needs, and desires. So glad I am over that! LOL

I still have moments of denial but I am honest with myself even if I am not saying it outloud right away. Right now I am the only person I need to be honest with. And I am still going to follow one thing that I know is the best for ME.....admit it when it feels right.

peace,
danae