Run Off

Two quotes I saw today....I have read the second before.

If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." ~ John Irving ~

"And he said, 'Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that it's heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.'." ~ Kahlil Gibran ~
'The Prophet'

There is a Dominant that I was talking to about a year ago...that recently started talking to me again. His name is Sir David. Today we are talking about some D/s things. I question. I question LOTS! I know I do this because of trust and security issues that I had in my previous relationships.

Basically we had a conversation that he feels all questions should be answered. And so I said if I asked why after you told me to go get you a cup off coffee...you would answer my question. And he said yes. He said: "how else do you learn to be the best you can be." I have known all to many Dominants that do not answer questions. And when I have asked why I have to do something I do not get an answer - I get told just to obey and not question. Now in reality I don't think I should have all my questions answered because I, at times, feel it is a control thing with me. But it also is a security thing with me. I need most questions answered so I can learn to trust and feel secure in the relationship. Sir David said, "Doing as told - serving/pleasing is great. obeying is great," but that he wanted to help me grow and answering questions will help me grow. He felt and I agree that some Dominants to do not answer questions because it requires thought and they cannot think past their orders or their "dicks." And he felt others do not answer questions because they realize you will learn and grow and they feel threatened by that.

I have seen that in my life more then once. You would think I would learn....I am learning faster though so I guess that is good. I mean that same thing does not take me as long to notice as it did.

There is a Dominant I recently had been talking to (of the same time period that Sir David when I first started talking to him) and he was not answering my questions. None of them. So I wrote him to tell him that what is best for me is someone that I can trust and without having some of my questions answers trust will not be built. It was hard to write him as he pushed a lot of my buttons. Todd did not answer lots of my questions. And so I guess I learned my lesson. And so I am not doing that again.

Todd...I should be writing about him right now. But I am not going to. I wish him happiness in his life....to love and be loved without boundaries.

Mistress DM said something to me tonight that I thought was interesting....well she has said more then one thing but this is something that is standing out still in my mind...

Mistress DM: will you at least promise not to run off with a dominant who won't let you say good-bye to your friends? I understand the point of "proving" obedience, but it always seemed to me that a decent human being is going to consider the friends, if not the submissive's piece of mind

I thought that was interesting because I have heard that a lot lately. People telling me to not just leave without saying good-bye. I think it is interesting as I would not want a Dominant who would make me give up my friends. I think they would see that who I am is partly because of my friends.

I told Mistress DM that...and she came back with some more very thoughtful words. :)

Mistress DM: if a lot of people are telling you something, it's something you are feeling yourself. because the world is a mirror of yourself---you create in it a reflection of your inner self so, *you* believe you'll run off with someone and *you* are worried about what that would mean

I want to run off....

Today I even told someone that I would like to run off and just escape. I do not want to deal with the feeling that I am feeling.

I have noticed when I am stressed. I am in more pain. Changing topics as I am not going to talk about the feelings I am feeling right now. I started having a period again today also. And I think it is from stress. Also I noticed when I am stressed my business slows down it is like the universe is trying to slow me down to deal with this stuff. There has been times of stress - work has been busy but it was when I was needing the work to keep me going and focus on something else. So I guess I am suppose to be feeling these things feelings I am right now.

Scene in Meet Joe Black....

Joe Black says something about it being hard to let go...and Anthony Hopkin's character, Bill, comes back with "That's life."

Why am i thinking about that now? *shakes head*

Hard to let go...I must be living my life.....