But as someone who has seen both sides of where this can go - it just scares me and annoys the crap out of me when these discussions are started.
I have been abused and raped. I was sexually abused as a child, gang raped at 18 and physically and verbally abused as an adult (which I will get into further down in the post). As a child, I didn't know how to stop it. It was very confusing. I hold my attacker responsible solely for doing what he did to me. As a child, I didn't have the right decision making skills to know what to do. I was helpless and under the adult's authority so I had no choices. He was absolutely wrong in what he did and should have been locked up as I am sure he hurt more children.
Here comes an unpopular view though....at 18...I do take some of the responsibility. The main responsibility falls on that man that raped me and had me gang raped. But I do hold some responsibility and before I took that responsibility I felt like victim. After I realized my role in it - I took my power back and felt more empowered. Staying in the victim role, kept me in a cage for years. And not a fun bdsm cage - but a cage within myself where I was really hard on myself. But when I admitted out loud my role in it then I could take back my power and walk forward. I know that many don't agree with that view but it helped me to think like that and if it helps me take my power back then to me that is all that matters. I understand that might not work for many and do not view it the same.
I know I didn't I deserved to be rape - no one does but that is a thought that did go through my brain at one time. I know even at 18 and because of my early childhood sexual abuse my reasoning and decision making skills were skewed and that the main responsibility lies in the men that raped me and not me. It isn't that these men were right or anything like that but I could have done things different to help my situation. And in viewing it that way helped me learn, grow and move forward. I am not saying it would help others to view it that way - it just helped ME. When I said no and stop with them, they should have stopped - instantly. But they didn't. They are responsible for those actions. I am responsible for being involved with him when I knew he was bad news. Again doesn't make anything he did or said to me right. He was wrong.
When I started in the BDSM community, I was all excited to be experiencing all the fun kinky things I could and it was hard to keep my head on my shoulders and not get involved in situations and with people that weren't probably the right type of people for me. Thankfully though I was lucky and didn't get hurt or at least hurt badly enough that I felt lines were crossed in those early days of exploring.
It was actually after I had been in the BDSM community for many years that I ended up having boundary lines cross. The incidents happened about 1 year within each other. Each of these 2 men crossed lines. I regret that it happened. I regret I didn't speak up to them more than I did. One of the gentlemen apologized for crossing the line and we both learned a lot from the situation. The other one told me I was the type of submissive that will do anything so that is why he crossed the line. He crossed it purposely because he felt he could walk over me. I did say stop. I did negotiated boundaries and it didn't matter to him. (See when people get into the you need a safeword for those type of situations - I always tell them this man wouldn't have stopped for a safeword. A word won't protect me.) That man doesn't believe that he had crossed lines because my "lines are meant to be crossed".
Both crossed negotiated lines, but neither of them would I ever say put on a BDSM blacklist. The one man learned from it and the other, well in talking to those in his community, which I did before I palyed with him and after, he never crossed lines. I still wouldn't put him on the list. This is where you do the best with the information you have - in talking to people since this is someone I was playing with - out of my area - they said he was safe. I took the risk to play with him and he crossed lines. I told him my issues and hopefully he heard. But I did also take to heart what he said - he told me that he felt like I was the type of submissive that would let my boundaries be crossed. So again for me some responsibility falls back on myself because I walked into a situation never seeing him play or knowing enough about him. Also when he was crossing those lines, I didn't get firm with him on stopping. It might not have mattered in the situation, but I should have tried. I did let him walk over me. He was wrong for ignoring our negotiated boundaries but it made me be a stronger bottom/submissive in the future because I didn't want that to happen again.
Now there was one more dominant I was with that most people would put on a BDSM blacklist. All my friends felt he was too extreme and dangerous. But I don't think he crossed lines because he said to me before he even laid a finger on me - that if I got involved with him there were no lines. Only his lines. If I didn't want him to cross something, then don't get involved with him. But he explained that he would cross lines if I played with him. I walked in knowing that he would cross my lines, but really at that time in my life I wanted him to cross those lines...I wanted to be pushed. He did cross and push many times over and I can say without a doubt I don't regret being with him. But he did make it clear he would not respect soft or hard limits before he even laid a hand on me.
After I became Master's, I was on an egroup on yahoo (yes back in the days of egroups) and the owners of the group published that man's full name and phone number on their group. They labeled him as "dangerous." That he didn't stick to negotiations. First thing I did was write him to let him know his info was posted on a public egroup to 100's of people. And then I wrote the owners of the group and said that I didn't agree with that - as someone who had played with him he states right away he is extreme and will cross lines and boundaries and if you don't want that - don't get involved with him. He doesn't negotiate. They thought that meant he was dangerous that he wouldn't negotiate. Dangerous for people who aren't smart enough to believe him when he says that he won't negotiate? Yes I guess so. But when you walk in knowing it would be that way - well that just makes you not thinking very logically. Does that mean he should be on a dangerous list? No, not in my opinion. He lays out what he expects and for some people like me - I liked that and desired that. I wanted it and if it became too much I could walk away. In the end I didn't walk away for anything that he did to me in SM play. I just wanted a more full and rounded relationship not just the play and he wasn't willing to go there.
What happens in some situations - and I am not saying every situation is like this - is that the person gets upset because they don't realize that what they signed up for or that negotiated boundaries were going to go to that place that is too hard or extreme for them. After it is done they basically say that the person was dangerous, even though it was worked out ahead of time that they might go to that line. It is the submissive regretting she gave consent. I have found that some submissives crave the rough and extreme stuff, but when actually in the situation go - "oh no this isn't for me." It is perfectly okay to say this isn't how it was in my head or how I thought it would be I need to stop. But often what I have seen happen instead of stopping and leaving - she gets upset and says that the dominant is dangerous.
I have also seen in the community where a couple plays a few times and then one or the other breaks it off and well...the partner starts playing with another and then it comes out from the submissives that he is dangerous. It usually comes across as she is jealous that he found another partner.
And then there are the times of course when someone really did violate boundaries. It does happen. It happens I think more then we want to talk about it. I do think it should be talked about but I still am not wanting to start a black list. I still don't feel it is the right thing to do. Who would decide who is on this black list? Would the person that I played with, apologized, learned from the situation be on that blacklist? Would the dominant that told me upfront how we would play be on that list? Who decided and what are the deciding factors. I think abuse and what a person constitutes as abuse is a very personal thing.
One of my relationships, after the M/s part of it ended, we were still together - living together as girlfriend/boyfriend. But it was a very volatile relationship that had abuse in it. That partner threw me against walls, backhanded hard enough that I would fall down, was verbally abuse, threw things at me and I had people tell me to get out that he was abusing me, but really I couldn't admit it to myself until a certain point and I feel it was important for my healing and moving forward that I did decide that for myself. It is hard to admit you are in an abusive relationship. I believe I hadn't put a stop to it before then because I felt like I deserved it. It wasn't until I was able to admit to myself - I don't deserve this treatment that I could stand up and fight back. So when grabbed me again....and was ready to throw me against wall again....something snapped inside that said no more. I told him that if he tried it again - I would call the cops. He stopped. I am not sure I ever told friends or blogged about that experience but after talking to Master about this subject he told me he felt it was significant to this topic.
It is hard for me to admit that one. I had lot of help with my sexual abuse and rape - dealing with it and processing it. But not sure I processed the abusive relationship I had been in because I just don't like thinking of that time but instead focus on the M/s parts of it and the Daddy/little girl parts which weren't abusive. It was only after the M/s ended that the abuse started happening.
I am sharing those experiences so that it is known I understand abuse and rape, but still doesn't make me want a BDSM Black List. Someone telling me he was on a Black List wouldn't have made me wake up faster from the abuse.
I used many factors when I was single and going to play with someone new. I watched the person play, watched how they were with those play partners, I watched them just interact with people in general were they polite or arrogant and pushy. I used a lot of internal instincts too - and that isn't measurable with facts and figures or a list. But even with all those things....doesn't mean that you won't be the person that they now decide to hack off toes. Someone not on a list doesn't automatically mean they are a good person. We have to use common sense. What might be okay for me might not be okay for you so that man that I didn't negotiate with because he didn't allow that - is okay for me but obviously that isn't the type of play for everyone. If he was on that list, then someone who wants what he does would end up missing out on a good time. That man that I played with who learned and grew from the situation we had together - he was a really good man and lots of people would miss out on him if he ended up a blacklist. Master and I have a relationship that is suitable to us and putting him on a blacklist won't make him suddenly unsuitable for me.
A blacklist doesn't work because it won't be based on criteria that works for everyone. It won't stop that guy who I played with and crossed my lines with me but hadn't up until that point. Because no one will know about him. It doesn't keep us safe. It just harms innocent people that end up on it.
There are so many parts to this post, and so many facets to this conversation and these issues. There is, what I think is an undeniable fact that, there are people within the BDSM lifestyle community who are dangerous and who are abusive -- using the lifestyle for cover and camouflage. There is the question of how we, as a community, confront inappropriate behavior among our members, and how do we even identify what that might look like? We are inclined to gossip, unfortunately -- prone to talk about people behind their backs, when they are not able to participate in the conversation. The who question is germane, too: there will always be people who are willing to assert that they know what the "one true way" is, but those with some experience know that it is nearly impossible to define what is "right" for someone else based on what we might prefer as individuals.
ReplyDeleteI think it is an important conversation. I do not think online blacklists are the solution we are seeking.
swan