Peeking Little Girl

A couple months ago, Master bought me some double chocolate malt balls.  I really am not sure why I had a craving for them as it is just not something that I crave ever, but I did.  When I popped one in my mouth and bit down, I had a strong memory flood to the surface. I didn't think about it until I tasted them and surprised I didn't have it come back when I started getting the craving.  But it took a bite to remember that I used to buy some at Malley's Candy store in Cleveland for Kam. They were one of his favorite things.

Kam was my dominant, Master and Daddy years ago.He and I had a pretty intense Daddy/little girl relationship. Some of it was me becoming a little girl with baby talk, dressed in pink with pigtails tied in ribbon, squishing my teddy bear tightly in my arms. Some of it was more role-play - such as playing a catholic school girl being sent home with a bad report card and being punished by Daddy. Some of it was me as an adult woman having that nurturing protective role of Daddy there always for me.

Kam was Daddy from the first moment I met him.  It was like the little 4 year old girl had been waiting for him.  Because of that I feel he helped me deal  with abuse from when I was that age. I see now how it was a way to heal that little girl inside me.

Because of how intense and the role it played in the dynamic with Kam, it has been hard to do age play with Master. Kam died 3 years ago and we had unresolved issues - so I have always assumed that was partly the reason I had trouble releasing that side of me. But I do wonder if I needed that side at that time with him to heal and maybe I don't need that anymore or I don't need it in the same way. I can feel that part bubble to the surface at times, but just little peeks. I guess I am not sure if it is a something that I don't need anymore or if it is just not the right time or if it needs to be different .....not sure what other reasons. 

Master is Daddy to me, but not as little girl - age play sense. It is more as an adult woman who likes the feeling he gives me - such as feeling extremely safe and protected by him. I am extremely shy and having Daddy there to help me navigate social settings is amazing. Being able to hold his hand as he navigates us through a crowded room. Or leads a conversation when he knows I am having problems are all things that make me feel nurtured and protected by him. He is Daddy in that sense.

Recently several instances have come up - the malt balls, a game and just someone said something that reminded me of Kam.  It is making those feelings of desire for that side come up more.  It made me wonder if that part is getting ready to come back out.  I know for sure it has made me smile instead of having a sense of sadness. I guess time will tell if that part of me will do more than peek.

When is M/s right for you?

When I was 16, I was involved with a boy who tied me up and spanked me. We eventually had sex.  But I was kinky. I didn't know there was a word for it though until much later. I was 27 when I discovered words for who I was and what I liked. It was probably close to a year after that I actually got the nerve to go into Barnes and Noble and order Different Loving which had only been published a couple years prior (before the days of ordering things online as Amazon wasn't around). I was with my husband at the time and trying to get him to be okay with naming the relationship I felt we had before I knew there were words for it.  When I came to the section on 24/7 in Different Loving, I knew I wanted to be a slave.  I don't recall anything that was said, but I still remember how I felt. I knew reading it that I wanted to belong to someone 24/7 and be a slave. 

After my marriage ended, I knew I was going to seek a M/s dynamic. I bottomed and did a D/s relationship for a bit, but never felt totally fulfilled. I am glad I played and explored before jumping into M/s. Not everyone is going to want M/s...I get that.  I also get that not everyone wants to be a bottom or do a D/s relationship.  These are not  the only options in kink world for relationships. I am saying, by exploring, I could gain life experience, self-awareness, and also find out what elements I wanted and needed from a kinky relationship. I am thankful I explored first to figure things out before jumping into a M/s relationship as it helped me identify what elements I wanted in a relationship - period - M/s, Top/bottom, D/s, Owner/puppy - or whatever type of relationship desired.

Why am I writing all this... What is my point..... Well... I was asked recently if I felt it was okay to jump straight into a M/s dynamic when new to BDSM and my answer was no. But I realized I didn't explain why.  I think a person needs to have self-awareness, a good realistic view of M/s and life experience to know if it is really the best path. But only YOU can decide that.  Only the person wanting to walk this path can know if it is right for them.


I have been around people who were young in age, but had life experience and amazing levels of self-awareness and if they asked me if what I thought about them getting into M/s - I would probably say, "go for it."  I have known people in their 40's who lacked self-awareness and life experience and might tell them that maybe taking some times to really get to know themselves might be better before jumping into M/s. I have a very close friend in her late 30's recently ask me what I thought about her pursuing a M/s relationship although she is new-ish to BDSM and I told her I could see the slave in her and understand why she wants/needs it as her path. I think she knows enough about what she wants and needs in a relationship to know if M/s was right for her.  She was going to do it without my validation, but sometimes just hearing it helps that knowing inside shine brighter.

Although it might feel right and shine bright inside - there are still times you might question. You still might go is this really right for me even if most of the time it feels so right. You question because you are fighting against messages we have been told all our life - we question because it feels so different to actually be doing the thing we want as we often think it is not possible to have what we want - and we question because it is just our internal workings nature to question.  It is okay to want M/s and it is okay to go after it and it is okay to question.  

Just know M/s doesn't happen over night. Relationships build out of compatibilities. It takes time, energy, communication, and investment in each other to grow into it. But again the only person contemplating it can decide and know if they are ready and want to try.    

Rule the World

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Ultimatums

I am doing a repost from an extremely old post.  So some background at the time I had several play partners/fuck buddies, 2 girlfriends and Nick, who was someone I  was involved with online that I hoped would eventually be an offline 24/7 D/s relationship. Obviously it didn't work out (thankfully) - as I am with Master and have been for 10 years. 

From December 7, 2001:

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the phone and she told me she talked to someone I was involved with. Anyway, his version of how things broke up was TOTALLY different from mine. And that bothered me a lot.

So I asked him if he would call me. He called. I told him what my friend said and how that was not what happened. I said, "I did not give you a choice. I just did it - broke it off." I told him I was hurt and that I did not want to be hurt further and so I was breaking it off. He told me what he said to her and it even disturbed me further because he said I gave him an ultimatum. And that he was a Dom and you do not give Dom's ultimatums. How can a person give an ultimatum when I didn't give him a choice?  He lied to me and I broke things off period. I didn't say..."you need to do x,y or z to keep me." That to me is an ultimatum.  Instead I said, "I am ending this, because it isn't the right relationship for me."

This week I was talking to Mistress DM and she said the same thing basically on a different matter. When I was telling her that I  really felt I needed things to keep going forward with Nick or I would probably need to move on and find someone more compatible. She said I was giving Nick an ultimatum. I never gave Nick an ultimatum in my opinion. This is what I asked him - "Where do do you see me fitting in your life and where do you think things are moving/going?"  After asking him those questions, he gave me a reply that gave me the security I was looking for so we are moving forward.

What I do not understand is both the man I was involved in and Mistress DM saying the same thing about an ultimatum. I just am very confused on how  those things are ultimatums.  I asked questions. I didn't say you need to do this in order to keep me - that is an ultimatum to me.

This is another view/example: You have a submissive she has emotionally and mentally needs that she is aware of in herself that she needs met in her relationships. She is responsible for herself in any type of relationship so in order to keep herself in a safe place she needs to have those types of conversations when those needs are not being met. I had that type of conversation with the dominant described at the beginning of this post and with Nick right now.

To me saying I need x,y and z isn't an ultimatum.  It is informing the person you are with where things are - feelings, emotions, even physically. Such as I might be sick and Nick is wanting me to doing some self bondage that might make it hard to run to the toilet and throw up.  To me I need to tell him that I am sick and be transparent. So either Nick can chose to make do the task and risk me getting sicker or he can postpone it. I think this goes to emotional needs. Submissives are human and we have emotional needs too. If I am not getting them met, then I might leave.  I am not saying - meet these needs or I am leaving. I am saying, hey I have these needs - now it is in your hands.  The man that I was involved with lost me, because he lied. I didn't give him an ultimate or a choice. I left knowing he wasn't the right person for me. Other Dominants in the past who I realized weren't meeting my needs, meant to me we weren't compatible so I have ended things with them. 

I don't think that meeting your submissive needs makes you less a dominant. I don't think her expressing her needs for those things is giving an ultimatum.  It is a choice for both people in the relationship. It might be something the submissive feels she can't live without and if the dominant isn't fulfilling that then she can leave to find a more compatible partner. If the dominant, doesn't want to fulfill those needs, he can release her or he can give her those things if it doesn't bother him. It is a choice about doing what you want to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Maybe I am just not seeing something to not get those are ultimatums. It is a relationship - D/s or vanilla it still is a relationship and a relationship takes 2 working together.  I am fully capable of submitting and bending to another's will.  But doesn't mean my needs just fade away.  I still have needs. I am human.


********
August 4, 2013:  I really don't see those things as ultimatums even today.  I just don't get how me deciding that my needs aren't getting met and either ending the relationship or informing my d-type that is giving ultimatums.  Most of my D/s - M/s relationships have required transparency. Example - saying to Master I am feeling overwhelmed is helping him in having control over me.

I think sometimes people see submissives expressing their views, feelings as being forceful and that comes across as ultimatum. But not in my opinion and I know that in my relationship with Master if I didn't keep him informed of what was going on with me - he would feel I was lying too him and not giving him all he needed to have authority over me and control me.

This repost me think of a thread that was posted on FetLife recently on Owners compromising with their slaves. I know for our relationship Master would say he has compromised on some things because of my health - emotional as well as physical.  He has had to give up things he desired because I can't go to certain places without doing damaging to myself - emotionally or physically. 

The example I gave in the thread was about being chained to the bed.  When I was first here with Master, he chained me to the bed every night.  Eventually I started waking up in pain.  It got worse and worse overtime so where my back was out of whack and making it almost impossible for me to serve him.  I told him about being in pain.  I was giving him the information he needed to control me as he does on a daily basis.  In our relationship - hiding that would have been lying to him and that would break down trust.  So Master had a choice - he could either find another solution to work instead of the chain that met his desired needs or stop chaining me to the bed. He made the choice to stop chaining me as the other solutions didn't really fulfill his needs.  He compromised what he desired to make sure I was healthy. 

Again I don't see as I gave Master and ultimatum, but from the repost of the 2001 post, I would say that some might say that I did.  I gave him all the information he needed to control me. 

Fading D/s?

So I have been blogging for almost 13 years. I was doing a back up the other day and realized I have a few posts here. Yes that is said with tongue in cheek - maybe just more than a few as I can be a little verbose at times.  I mean look at year 2002 on the side bar has 420 posts. Anyway, I decided I would go through the archives and find some posts to repost with some added commentary to it at the end a couple times a month.  So here it here is the first one...

From June 29, 2008
Is it unavoidable for the D/s to fade or become sporadic in a long-term D/s relationship?

I think it is a common misunderstanding that the D/s is fading. But to me once you get to know each other and the honeymoon periods ends --- we are actually in the real state of the relationship. And I think we tend to forget to enjoy that state. We just keep thinking back on the honeymoon period and saying why can't it be like that. When in reality, that wasn't the real state of how things would be long term. So D/s isn't fading. The new relationship energy and honeymoon period is fading and real life is left in its place.

The power dynamic we have was set in place is still there. It is there even more to me now. I see myself as slave more now then I did at that time. Because now I feel I serve him more. Those early days he had to have much more focus on me and attention to train me and also just because I was a needy girl. Now he doesn't.

I think sometimes maybe we are more comfortable with the struggles and excitement that happens in the beginning of the relationship then the just everyday-ness that life has to it. It took a while for me to be grateful for the everyday ordinary quality my life has to it - when I was so used to the chaos of my life before Master. And I have learned to appreciate that I am owned, serve an amazing man and get peace from that.


*******
July 31, 2013:  Master and I have been together for 10 years and in that 10 years the base of our relationship - Owner/property dynamic hasn't faded. It has changed of course, but not faded.

Recently someone asked me if we play as much as we did when we were first together.  Truthfully no.  Not sure I think it is because anything faded more so, as I said above, we just have everyday-ness going on.  We tend to go in spurts around how busy Master's business. Such as if we are really busy - we really have hardly anytime to even breath.  But when we have a little down time we play.   I will say sex always includes some play, but when people ask me about play - I guess I think more in terms of scening.

I know our play has grown into a much better place than it was at the beginning -  as our connection just gets better each year we are together.  We played recently and it was beautiful and intense.  It included everything we love from slapping, breath play, spanking, the braided flogger, hoods, punching and several other favorites. We both loved it and it left us energized even now 4 days later.  Also left little moments of lingering SM too.  A look and we both know what each other is thinking about.  Him grabbing my wrist in public and bringing me close - how his fingers feel digging in and again a knowing.  Grabbing my hair when we are laying in bed.  Again those moments to me are amazing.

I guess what I would want someone to know is does it really matter?  If it does - if play is one of your top qualities, you will want  to be in a relationship that it is important.  So be clear about that when looking for a partner. Find someone who wants the same. But I will say - people change.  Master and I thought about play being a big part our relationship in the beginning, but we have changed and I would gladly pass up playing everyday for the connection we have now when we do play it means so much more to me now. 

30 Days of Kink - Day 24

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I am sure I am missing some, but I think these are the biggies. 

Compatibility - in BDSM and kinky things as well as vanilla and everyday qualities such as did we enjoy some of the same hobbies, political beliefs, long term goals, views on religion and so on.  

Self-awareness - someone being self-aware is a good quality to me as it just seems to go smoother in a relationship because a person who is self-aware knows what they want and who they are and are steady and not so drama filled or chaotic with feelings/thoughts.

Chemistry- just everyday chemistry as well as sexual too.  Such as being able to laugh at the same thing, get each others jokes. 

 Honesty -  Being in relationships that haven't been honest,  it was one of the things that was really important to me.  

Sense of Humor -  I like a man that can make me laugh. Master has a great sense of humor. We laugh a lot in our relationship so thankful for that.  

Communication - having open communication and just knowing how to communicate is important to me.  I know some people can get very passive/aggressive in their communication styles and that just doesn't really work well for me so I wanted someone that wanted clear open discussion and communication and thankful Master places communication high on his list of qualities he sought too.

 M/s - O/p beliefs - since this is the kind of dynamic I sought out - I wanted to have someone who had similar beliefs as O/p is the foundation for our relationship
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Intro

Recently I have had to do introduction several times as Master and I have been venturing out in our local BDSM community as it is growing.

So thought I would share a little longer version of it here too...

I am danae. I am in a Master/slave relationship and have been owned by Master for 10 years. I am wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been kinky since the first time I became sexually active at 16. The first boy I had sex with we played with spanking and him tying me up and then eventually had sex with while tied up. From there each of my intimate relationships had some kind of D/s dynamic and kink in them, but not the words for what we were doing.

When I was 27 and married, I explored online for some information on anal sex, but happened upon a bulletin board on AOL for submissive women.  I read many threads and felt my head nodding along with many things said.  I then told my husband about it and BDSM. I explained that many things we did in our relationship resembled BDSM in and out of the bedroom.  As soon as I named it though - things went downhill.  He developed guilt for beating me - spanking, slapping, grabbing or anything we did before all of sudden became very sinful and wrong to him.

My husband and I had problems before I named this dynamic that we developed in our years of being married. Eventually those problems, some issues I had, and the problems of him feeling like I was a freak for being submissive became too big to ignore, so I left.

I moved to Ohio from Kansas in with a poly household and became a slave to the Master of the household. My time in the household was hard, but a learning experience. I was active in the Ohio BDSM community and out to almost everyone there. It was very hard moving here - to a smaller town without much of a community, but it was so worth it to serve Master. 

Master and I met through a mutual friend. She gave him my name as she thought we might be well matched. He contacted me and pretty much from that first email - I was falling.  So thankful to our friend for realizing we would be a good match.  It has been an amazing journey, I have taken with him.

I am a long time blogger - blogging about my life and thoughts/beliefs of the lifestyle. I also have a group on FetLife devoted to Domestic Servitude and a blog that goes with it.

30 Days of Kink - Day 22

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Really I don't think there is much difference between BDSM relationships and vanilla in keeping a healthy relationship. Each takes compatibility, communication and just working to keep it going. All those things apply to BDSM as well as vanilla. Master and I have compatibility in our O/p and M/s beliefs and have that as our foundation. As well as being compatible in countless other areas - non-bdsm things as well as bdsm. Vanilla relationship would have different things they are compatible, but as humans we are all different so we each have different areas that we are compatible.  

I do think often we put too much emphasis on how we are different from vanilla relationships when I think basics in relationships are just a part of all relationships.

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Personal Responsibility

My good friend Jouet posted these links on FetLife and I think they are so important that I am passing them on. These aren't just for men or dominant men - this is for all adults. Personal responsibility and accountability is something we should all know and do, but sometimes it seems we can be denial and forget.

Personal Responsibility 101: Why Is It So Hard to Own Up to Our Mistakes?
Personal Responsibility 102: The Importance of Owning Up to Your Mistakes and How to Do It

30 Days - Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

The appeal of kink/BDSM is that it is just a part of me. I can look back in all my intimate relationships that I really enjoyed and felt good in - and they all had some kind of power dynamic going on or kinky aspects to them.  I am drawn to a certain kind of man that naturally seems to be draw out my submissive/service side. 

I enjoy service based relationships because I like pleasing - I am not a people pleaser now as much as I was when I was younger.   But I still enjoy pleasing Master and knowing I am enhancing his life by serving him.  He doesn't have to worry about clothes being wash or ironed, he doesn't have to worry about cleaning his toilet, he doesn't have to worry about many daily things so he can focus on other things that matter to him such as his business. 

I am not sure why I am drawn too it - I kind of stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago. I just am and it fulfills me so that is all that matters.  

previous answered questions

You are the Only One

You know something I can't stand.....when people try to tell you what is best for you even when they are going by just some posts on the internet.  They read your blog or posts on FetLife and decide they know you better then you do yourself.  Even my close friends usually don't tell me what is best for me. They just remind me that I am the one with the answers for myself.  So not sure why people who are strangers from the internet feel they know someone completely just from reading a blog online...why they feel they know them better then that person knows themselves.

Here is an example I keep coming across on the blog-o-sphere....

"You shouldn't be pursuing poly." Sometimes it is just that or sometimes they offer up more...a because - such as if the persons issues/struggles that then they shouldn't be poly.  

I have in the almost 12 years of blogging and longer being in the community heard this for everything under the sun...

"You shouldn't be with him because if you are struggling it must not be meant to be."

"You shouldn't be with him because he is abusing you." 

"You shouldn't do poly because are jealous."

"You shouldn't do poly because you have doubts of his love for you."'
"You should break up with him if he isn't doing what you want." 

"You shouldn't do bdsm because you like pain too much so will put yourself in danger."

So on and so forth....of "You should or shouldn't..."

But what I say is - First if you are someone that offers up that "You should(n't)....",  please stop and realize "You should(n't)...." really doesn't help.  If you are someone that gets "You should(n't)..." from people just offering up their advice, PLEASE don't let someone on the internet who doesn't know you tell you what you should and shouldn't do or what is best for you. YOU are the only one that can know if poly is the right path for you. You are the only one that can tell if a relationship is abusive. You are the only one that can tell if person you are with is right for you.  

We all struggle and have doubts at times. It is looking at those and deciding why and how to work through it is the right thing to do.  And YOU are the only one who can do that....not any stranger or semi-stranger who comments on your blog.

BDSM Blacklist

On Salon.com there is an article about starting a BDSM Blacklist.  Now whenever I see articles or discussions about a blacklist I realize Master would probably be on the list because I get comments and questioning from people in the BDSM community how I am being abused.  I realize that often those are the people that would be adding/nominating people for the blacklist.

But as someone who has seen both sides of where this can go - it just scares me and annoys the crap out of me when these discussions are started.

I have been abused and raped. I was sexually abused as a child, gang  raped at 18 and physically and verbally abused as an adult (which I will get into further down in the post). As a child, I didn't know how to stop it. It was very confusing.  I hold my attacker responsible solely for doing what he did to me.  As a child, I didn't have the right decision making skills to know what to do. I was helpless and under the adult's authority so I had no choices. He was absolutely wrong in what he did and should have been locked up as I am sure he hurt more children. 

Here comes an unpopular view though....at 18...I do take some of the responsibility. The main responsibility falls on that man that raped me and had me gang raped. But I do hold some responsibility and before I took that responsibility I felt like victim. After I realized my role in it - I took my power back and felt more empowered. Staying in the victim role, kept me in a cage for years. And not a fun bdsm cage - but a cage within myself where I was really hard on myself. But when I admitted out loud my role in it then I could take back my power and walk forward.  I know that many don't agree with that view but it helped me to think like that and if it helps me take my power back then to me that is all that matters. I understand that might not work for many and do not view it the same. 

I know I didn't I deserved to be rape - no one does but that is a thought that did go through my brain at one time. I know even at 18 and because of my early childhood sexual abuse my reasoning and decision making skills were skewed and that the main responsibility lies in the men that raped me and not me. It isn't that these men were right or anything like that but I could have done things different to help my situation.  And in viewing it that way helped me learn, grow and move forward. I am not saying it would help others to view it that way - it just helped ME. When I said no and stop with them, they should have stopped - instantly. But they didn't.  They are responsible for those actions.  I am responsible for being involved with him when I knew he was bad news.  Again doesn't make anything he did or said to me right. He was wrong.

When I started in the BDSM community, I was all excited to be experiencing all the fun kinky things I could and it was hard to keep my head on my shoulders and not get involved in situations and with people that weren't probably the right type of people for me. Thankfully though I was lucky and didn't get hurt or at least hurt badly enough that I felt lines were crossed in those early days of exploring.  

It was actually after I had been in the BDSM community for many years that I ended up having boundary lines cross. The incidents happened about  1 year within each other. Each of  these 2 men crossed lines.  I regret that it happened. I regret I didn't speak up to them more than I did. One of the gentlemen apologized for crossing the line and we both learned a lot from the situation.  The other one told me I was the type of submissive that will do anything so that is why he crossed the line. He crossed it purposely because he felt he could walk over me. I did say stop. I did negotiated boundaries and it didn't matter to him.  (See when people get into the you need a safeword for those type of situations - I always tell them this man wouldn't have stopped for a safeword. A word won't protect me.) That man doesn't believe that he had crossed lines because my "lines are meant to be crossed".  

Both crossed negotiated lines, but neither of them would I ever say put on a BDSM blacklist.  The one man learned from it and the other, well in talking to those in his community, which I did before I palyed with him and after, he never crossed lines. I still wouldn't put him on the list.  This is where you do the best with the information you have - in talking to people since this is someone I was playing with - out of my area - they said he was safe.  I took the risk to play with him and he crossed lines.  I told him my issues and hopefully he heard. But I did also take to heart what he said - he told me that he felt like I was the type of submissive that would let my boundaries be crossed. So again for me some responsibility falls back on myself because I walked into a situation never seeing him play or knowing enough about him.  Also when he was crossing those lines, I didn't get firm with him on stopping. It might not have mattered in the situation, but I should have tried.  I did let him walk over me. He was wrong for ignoring our negotiated boundaries but it made me be a stronger bottom/submissive in the future because I didn't want that to happen again. 

Now there was one more dominant I was with that most people would put on a BDSM blacklist. All my friends felt he was too extreme and dangerous.  But I don't think he crossed lines because he said to me before he even laid a finger on me -  that if I got involved with him there were no lines.  Only his lines. If I didn't want him to cross something, then don't get involved with him.  But he explained that he would cross lines if I played with him.  I walked in knowing that he would cross my lines, but really at that time in my life I wanted him to cross those lines...I wanted to be pushed. He did cross and push many times over and I can say without a doubt I don't regret being with him.  But he did make it clear he would not respect soft or hard limits before he even laid a hand on me.      

After I became Master's, I was on an egroup on yahoo (yes back in the days of egroups) and the owners of the group published that man's full name and phone number on their group.  They labeled him as "dangerous."  That he didn't stick to negotiations.  First thing I did was write him to let him know his info was posted on a public egroup to 100's of people.  And then I wrote the owners of the group and said that I didn't agree with that - as someone who had played with him he states right away he is extreme and will cross lines and boundaries and if you don't want that  - don't get involved with him. He doesn't negotiate.  They thought that meant he was dangerous that he wouldn't negotiate. Dangerous for people who aren't smart enough to believe him when he says that he won't negotiate? Yes I guess so. But when you walk in knowing it would be that way - well that just makes you not thinking very logically. Does that mean he should be on a dangerous list?  No, not in my opinion. He lays out what he expects and for some people like me - I liked that and desired that.  I wanted it and if it became too much I could walk away.  In the end I didn't walk away for anything that he did to me in SM play.  I just wanted a more full and rounded relationship not just the play and he wasn't willing to go there.

What happens in some situations - and I am not saying every situation is like this - is that the person gets upset because they don't realize that what they signed up for or that negotiated boundaries were going to go to that place that is too hard or extreme for them. After it is done they basically say that the person was dangerous, even though it was worked out ahead of time that they might go to that line. It is the submissive regretting she gave consent. I have found that some submissives crave the rough and extreme stuff, but when actually in the situation go - "oh no this isn't for me." It is perfectly okay to say this isn't how it was in my head or how I thought it would be I need to stop.  But often what I have seen happen instead of stopping and leaving - she gets upset and says that the dominant is dangerous. 

I have also seen in the community where a couple plays a few times and then one or the other breaks it off and well...the partner starts playing with another and then it comes out from the submissives that he is dangerous.  It usually comes across as she is jealous that he found another partner.  

And then there are the times of course when someone really did violate boundaries. It does happen.  It happens I think more then we want to talk about it. I do think it should be talked about but I still am not wanting to start a black list. I still don't feel it is the right thing to do.  Who would decide who is on this black list? Would the person that I played with, apologized, learned from the situation be on that blacklist? Would the dominant that told me upfront  how we would play be on that list?   Who decided and what are the deciding factors. I think abuse and what a person constitutes as abuse is a very personal thing. 


One of my relationships, after the M/s part of it ended, we were still together - living together as girlfriend/boyfriend.  But it was a very volatile relationship that had abuse in it. That partner threw me against walls, backhanded hard enough that I would fall down, was verbally abuse, threw things at me and I had people tell me to get out that he was abusing me, but really I couldn't admit it to myself until a certain point and I feel it was important for my healing and moving forward that I did decide that for myself.  It is hard to admit you are in an abusive relationship. I believe I hadn't put a stop to it before then because I felt like I deserved it.  It wasn't until I was able to admit to myself - I don't deserve this treatment that I could stand up and fight back. So when grabbed me again....and was ready to throw me against wall again....something snapped inside that said no more.  I told him that if he tried it again - I would call the cops. He stopped. I am not sure I ever told friends or blogged about that experience but after talking to Master about this subject he told me he felt it was significant to this topic.  

It is hard for me to admit that one. I had lot of help with my sexual abuse and rape - dealing with it and processing it. But not sure I processed the abusive relationship I had been in because I just don't like thinking of that time but instead focus on the M/s parts of it and the Daddy/little girl parts which weren't abusive. It was only after the M/s ended that the abuse started happening. 

I am sharing those experiences so that it is known I understand abuse and rape, but still doesn't make me want a BDSM Black List.  Someone telling me he was on a Black List wouldn't have made me wake up faster from the abuse. 

I used many factors when I was single and going to play with someone new. I watched the person play, watched how they were with those play partners, I watched them just interact with people in general were they polite or arrogant and pushy.  I used a lot of internal instincts too - and that isn't measurable with facts and figures or a list. But even with all those things....doesn't mean that you won't be the person that they now decide to hack off toes. Someone not on a list doesn't automatically mean they are a good person. We have to use common sense.  What might be okay for me might not be okay for you so that man that I didn't negotiate with because he didn't allow that - is okay for me but obviously that isn't the type of play for everyone.  If he was on that list, then someone who wants what he does would end up missing out on a good time.  That man that I played with who learned and grew from the situation we had together - he was a really good man and lots of people would miss out on him if he ended up a blacklist.  Master and I have a relationship that is suitable to us and putting him on a blacklist won't make him suddenly unsuitable for me. 

A blacklist doesn't work because it won't be based on criteria that works for everyone. It won't stop that guy who I played with and crossed my lines with me but hadn't up until that point.  Because no one will know about him.  It doesn't keep us safe.  It just harms innocent people that end up on it.  

30 Days of Kink - Day 5

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.


The first time I had consensual sex at 16 with my boyfriend, I was tied up and spanked. He was 18.  We worked together.  He had graduated when he was 17 and modeling and then working part-time at the same pizza place I worked. 


Anyway, I was spanked by him several times before we had sex. We were joking around, he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me over his lap to give me an over the knee spanking for being bad. I played along with it kind of struggling at first but then when he got going - I realized how much it was turning me on. I just kind of melted into it.  I could feel that it was turning him on so I rubbed against him. We ended up making out for a bit and I gave him a hand job.   


Spanking became a norm to our making out.  He sometimes tied me up and spanked me.  It just depended on where we were and how much alone time we were going to have.  One day he then gave me a spanking and he was fingering me every so often between spanks. I was dripping and bucking back against his hand/fingers. I was extremely turned on.  After the spanking he told me to get on my knees and suck him. While I sucked him, he was talking about how wet I was and how he wanted to fuck me.  We hadn't done intercourse up to this point. I remember looking up at him, nodding, and saying, "yes please." He grabbed me and pulled up in his arms kissing me hard.   He placed me on his bed where he tied my wrists above my head to the headboard and then fucked me.  I didn't have an orgasm, but I just remember thinking that it felt so good to have him in me.  After that being spanked, tied up and having sex was pretty standard for us and pretty light kink but still on the kinky side of things.


I broke up with him basically because of my Mom realized I was most likely having sex and grounding me. He also moved shortly after. 


previous answered questions

Slut

When I was married, I bought a pair of shoes that were out of my norm. They were sexy black high heels. I had been drawn to them in the store and said to myself just try them on does not mean you need to buy them.  But of course that didn't happen. I put them on and saw how my legs looked in them...how sexy they made me look and they ended coming home with me.  

I showed them to my husband that night. Putting them on and modeling them. He nodded and smiled - but really didn't offer any comment on them.  He didn't seem overly enthusiastic and it bothered me.  Later that week, I decided maybe I should bring them back because he didn't seem to like them on me.  So I put them on a table in our living room so that I would remember to take them back. 

My ex-husband asked why they were there and I said "I am taking them back because you didn't seem to like me in them."  He looked at the shoes for a moment and then me and said, "I just am not sure why you bought them. They made you look like a slut."  He walked away to go to do something after he said that. I held in the tears.  My husband had just called me a slut and it cut me.  It wasn't something I wanted to hear or liked to hear.  It is so odd how I can see the shoes on the table in my mind so clearly even today 15 years later.

The shoes went back within hours of him calling me a slut because I was so upset.  I later told him that I thought they made me look sexy. He went on to explain that it looked like I was wanting to go out and fuck a football team with them because they were fuck me heels so I just looked like a slut ready to give it up to anyone.  I cried. He soothed me and told me I wasn't a slut and he didn't want his wife to look like a slut.  So no sexy high heels for me.

The word slut stung though. I didn't like then. I felt ashamed.  I felt dirty and just bad to be called a slut. 

But that changed...

My first relationship after my marriage was a D/s one.  He called me a slut and at first I wanted to hide from it.  He saw the reaction and he then told me how he loved that I was so responsive to his touch and words, he loved the I was sexual and wanton and that is what made me a slut in eyes...my sexual nature.  He used it more and more and each time I grew wetter.  It started to turn me on to be called a slut.  I even felt pride being a slut for him.  I learned to embrace the word slut from then on. But I did get tripped up with it every so often still. 

When I moved to Ohio, I often came back to where my ex-husband lived. I had family and friends in the area. My ex-husband and I were friend at that time - we aren't anymore.  I would stay with him when I came back. One time shortly after I had moved to Ohio, I came back to get some of my stuff and stayed with him.   While there I was seeing friends and family too. So one night I was going to go out with a friend for dinner and I came out of the bedroom dressed in a short skirt, a blouse showing off cleavage, thigh highs and high heels. My ex-husband told me I looked like a slut.  It started those old tapes of him saying that before - I ran to the bedroom crying.  I called and cancelled on my friend as I was so upset. 

I tried to remind myself that many men liked it that I looked sexy and that I was a sexual creature. But my ex-husband obviously didn't.   It was his issue.  But it had ruined the moment and I couldn't get myself past it for while. But eventually with Kam, I got myself past the word slut again. He reminded me why I liked it and why I should embrace it. 

So on another visit to my ex-husbands, I was going out to a BDSM play party in the area with friends, so I came out of the bedroom dressed in a short skirt leather skirt with a slit on the thigh, a blouse that laced up the front displaying my cleavage, thigh highs, and sexy high heels.  My ex-husband looked at me and said "you look like a slut."  I looked at him and with a huge smile on my face said, "damn right and damn proud to be one."  He looked at me like I had grown another head. I explained I didn't find that word to be a bad word anymore. That I was sexy and sexual and enjoyed my sexual nature and it wasn't a bad thing - it was a good thing. It made me feel good. He just shook his head. He didn't get it.  I went to my party and had fun. I didn't let his issues with the word ruin it for me.  

In all my following relationships, I have been called a slut and it makes me blush at times but in ways that are good that remind me who I am and what I enjoy.  It is a term of endearment to me now. 

30 Days of Kink - Day 4

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?


Well I really should have read the next few questions, before answering Day 3.  As I feel I covered this in some ways.  But to expand on it a bit I think many things point to my desire to serve as well as my kinky desires in my early experiences. Really what I think was most overt was that all my intimate relationships had some sort of authority - submission type dynamic and kink in them.  There were a few boys that were just sex and no kink or  dynamic.  But longer term relationships, always had undertones of a D/s dynamic and had kink in them.  I am thankful they did - it always felt better more relaxed when I was in a relationship that had D/s undertones and kink.   Obviously I was more comfortable as I was allowed to just be me.  


previous answered questions

Communication

Something I count really among my many blessings is how well Master and I do communicate. It isn't perfect. It isn't that we always say the right thing to each other but in the end we keep talking and working it out until it is resolved.  Actually it is something my previous therapist and my current therapist always comment on - how well Master and I communicate.  It is something that we have proven to be quite good in our poly relationship with teacup as well.  We express ourselves and talk through issues and problems that arise as well as just talking daily about life and beliefs.  It strengthens our relationship and keeps adding good things to our foundation. 


Today's Daily Om was about communication and I thought it to be quite good so sharing some of it. But please follow the link to read the rest. 

"When we are in a relationship where we feel listened to and understood, we count ourselves lucky because we know how rare that experience is. We reserve our most intimate selves for the people who, along with us, cocreate an open space where we feel free to express ourselves and listen without judgment. These relationships, which thrive on open communication, can mean the difference between existential loneliness and a deep sense of belonging. We all long to feel heard, understood, and loved, and clear communication makes this possible." -  Daily OM May 24, 2012

"The key is to find ways to center ourselves so that we communicate meaningfully, lovingly, and wisely. In this way, we honor our companions and create relationships in which there is a genuine sense of understanding and respect."  - Daily OM May 24, 2012

2 Years

In 2010, I only did  30 posts for the whole year, but I understand why as that was the year my Uncle died and  Kam also died and I pretty much pulled away from everything. I only did 31 posts in 2011.  I didn't even post in the first 3 months of 2011.  The only reason I started post in April of 2011 is because we met some people who were moving to the area and now are good friends. I wanted to share the experience of meeting like minded people.

I am now coming up on the 2 year anniversary of both my Uncle's death and Kam's.  I am happy to say although I miss them and still have moments of grieving - sadness that come up - I am over the biggest parts of my grieving.  I know that many things helped me get through it all.   Master of course is one of the main reasons I was able to move forward.  He was really great in just supporting me and understanding when things seemed to be falling apart around here. He helped me when he could and of course he got frustrated and angry at some things I did but he still was there for me.  Other things that helped me were good friends - such as the friends we met last year that moved to the area. I can't imagine not having them around - even if we only see them once a month or every other month.  I enjoy their company so much.  They have come to mean so much to me and I count them as blessings in my life.

Meeting katie was also a big moment for me that helped me keep looking forward as she is such a lovely person who is so inspiring to be around.  I really wished we would have had more time together but so glad we keep our friendship alive through online contact at least.  I truly don't know what I would do without such a wonderful friend who I can be myself with even when complaining or sharing joy. You are a beautiful person inside and out katie and I love and adore you!   So thankful we were able to meet in 2011 and hope to see you again in 2012.

My long time friends have been a great help too - Jouet and Jessica. Jouet for making me laugh and telling me wonderful stories of her life. They were always a good distraction and it is always fun to live vicariously through others.  The cupcake story I still replay in my head often. :)   Jessica - for allowing me to cry and vent even when it was irrational. Thank you so much for being there even when I was at my worst.  I love you both so much and am so thankful to have you as friends.

And last but not least I know that teacup coming into our lives really helped me look forward to the future...giving me hope for a bright future. A future I have dreamed about for so long and was not sure we were going to find someone to fit into.  She came to us in an unexpected way when we weren't looking and now we are moving towards being a family. I cherish the memories we have already created and look forward to the ones we will make in the days to come. I love and adore you, teacup. Thank you for coming into our lives and wanting to be a part of this family with all the ups and downs.

I know I am forgetting people - so many people reached out to me during my struggles and I appreciate every single person...each time someone commented on my livejournal or blog, emailed me, dropped me an offline message or message on fetlife - it meant the world to me and helped me through it.  I have amazing friends and family - I am very thankful for having such a good life and you all enriching it.

Hierarchy

So doing a follow-up on the question about hierarchy in our relationship because a good friend of mine who is poly brought up something that falls in the hierarchy topic. Really I was answering  the question from an M/s point of view.  In our M/s relationship - I won't be owning her or over her. I won't be ordering her or in charge of her. Teacup and I will be equals.


Unfortunately in our everyday life around vanilla people there is a hierarchy that happens because we can't be out to most people.  So Master's work associates will always view me as his partner/significant others. My parents and Master's will view us as couple and not teacup.  


Recently we were on the phone with teacup and were going to drop something off at one of Master's clients and the client ended up being in her driveway so we couldn't even say goodbye properly to teacup because it caught us of guard as it happened so fast. But it felt very awkward for all of us.  We didn't handle it very well in explaining it either when we called teacup back after leaving the clients.  


There is also a hierarchy that happens because I have been here longer - it just feels off balanced at times. At least I experienced that when I lived in the poly household in Ohio.  I just think it happens and there isn't much I can do about being here long except try to allow her to experience things for herself. That was really hard at times for me to not help or offer advice when I saw someone struggling in the poly household. Where they were maybe struggling with how to just accept an order or such - I wanted to step in and offer advice but sometimes those things - you need to just experience for yourself and put that time into the relationship getting to know Him and what to do...just as I did. 


So there is a hierarchy, but not in the sense where I will be in charge of her or have authority of her.  I might top her at some point. I do have a sadistic streak.  And she is a huge masochist! :)

March Q & A: Transitions

From this post: " I was owned by him for 2 years. And then we continued to have a Daddy/little girl relationship and kinky boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship for another 2 years."

Question asked about the post..."I'm really curious about how that works... I've read the debates about whether a slave can leave their owner and whether you can kill a puppy or whatever... so really want to know how this transition happened."

In the M/s relationships I have been in, I needed to be completely open and transparent. There came a time when I realized I wasn't happy serving anymore.  I was burnt out really (which I have a post coming about being burnt out.)  Anyway, he asked me if I was happy and I told him I wasn't happy. The conversation continued of course on what lead me to this and why I wasn't happy but in the end he asked if I would like to request release from being his slave. Because that was how he wanted it - he wanted me to request release and I told him yes I that I did feel I wanted to be released.  We had discussions about it for 3 days. One of the days I remember actually fell on a Carpe Diem meeting (a bdsm group that is not around anymore) and I remember the meeting so vividly. It was about tattoos and play piercings. I know I became very passionate about something being said about permanent markings and everyone was kind of taken aback by my tone and language.  I know I was that way because of the stress of what was going on in the decision to stop our M/s relationship. On that 3rd day of discussions, we ended it. He wanted me happy and hoped I would come back to wanting to be in service to him.

The transition was very difficult. At first we kind of kept our distance from each other - grieving and trying to figure out how it would be with us now - not as Master/slave.  I found myself doing usual things I did for him - without thinking. He was better at not ordering me then I was at not serving. Saying, "yes Master" was really hard for me too as it just came out naturally. So for a while I just trained myself to say, "okay" so that the yes wasn't followed by Master or Sir. Eventually the relationship just worked into this kinky girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship with the added spice of Daddy/little girl.  Daddy/little girl felt very natural for us. I didn't feel tired as little girl and I did as his slave.

Honestly I think that if anything like this happened with Master - I am not sure either of us could function in just a kinky relationship. I think we would naturally gravitate back to a M/s foundation.

Guilt

There is a post over on FetLife about someone's Dominant starting to feel guilty about the SM they engage in. Even though they have always included some form of SM.  It was escalating lately though so he was feeling guilty. I am paraphrasing of course.

I could totally relate to the situation because my ex-husband became the same way. We had some kink in our sex lives almost always. I mean from the first time I had consensual sex - I was tied up and spanked. So I liked it that way.  He was virgin when I started having sex with him and I told him things I liked. He instantly took to it and ramped it up at times too without me even saying or needing to say. He enjoyed it just as much as I did. We had what I call rough sex - really hard grabbing that sometimes ended up with bruises and very sore.  He also spanked me, held me down, tied to the bed or wrists tied, engaged in breath play, slapped and spit on me,  grabbed and squeezed my breasts hard enough to leave bruises and make me scream, nipples really tormented - all those things in our sex life.

He would at times call me from work and tell me to be waiting for him on the bed, on me hands and knees naked or in certain lingerie and not to speak or acknowledge his presence - just kneel there until he told me I could make speak.  He was also at times very tender and doing missionary sex with me. It just his mood at the time. But he enjoyed the kink. He enjoyed having power over me sexually.

Eventually I found out there was a name for what we engaged in - BDSM and sadomasochism.  We started including it even more after that - ramping it up even. But really it was as soon as we gave it a name was when he started feeling guilty. He started feeling like we were "wrong" for playing in such a way. We were deviants for engaging in this type of sex play.  He ended up telling me I was a freak for wanting to be treated that way. He called me a freak enough that it - damaged our relationship.  I tried to explain to him - that nothing between consenting adults should make us feel guilty or makes us freaks. It makes us knowing what we like and having fun in the bedroom.

At one point towards the end of our relationship my husband outed me to his parents - about liking BDSM.  I was of course embarrassed at that time but later after I divorced him I was back in town and had lunch with his mother. I asked her if she had questions about what my ex had told her and she said no that she felt that anything done between consenting adults was fine.  I said " I wish your son would have had the same view."  She actually felt bad - like she had given him a view that enjoying sex was wrong. She couldn't figure out where her and her husband would have given him that view though but still felt like she did something wrong.

My ex was not Catholic but he had Catholic guilt on so many things - sex though was one of the number one things that caused guilt from the first moments of our relationship. He felt I wanted sex too much - that it wasn't normal to want sex so much.  He wanted to us to be a normal couple.  It was like he felt that everyone could see this big scarlet F for FREAKY in BEDROOM  on his forehead. He acted like someone was going to find out we were "deviants" in the bedroom. I kept telling him - I am fine with what you do to me. I enjoy it. I explained how hard he got and how wet I got so that meant that we enjoyed it and what was wrong between 2 consenting adults having fun.  I told him no one knows what we do in our bedroom it doesn't matter that we have kinky sex.

But he just couldn't get past it. He kept up with that it was wrong. So we would go into these periods where it was just straight sex- no kink thrown in - just blowjobs, doggie style, missionary and anal. All those were normal apparently to him. But anything else added in was wrong.   We would do that for a while and then - all of sudden he would throw some kink in and we would go on a binge of kink and he would then get a big new batch of guilt so it stopped.

I couldn't understand what was fine before we had a name for it was suddenly wrong. I couldn't say anything to him to help him with the guilt. I listened, I tried to reassure him that I was fine and that our relationship was good and this just added to it - like sprinkles on a cake making just even better, I tried to assure him no one knew but us, I tried to assure him what went on between 2 consenting adult was perfectly normal but nothing  I said could help him overcome his guilt.

I am very thankful I am now with someone who doesn't view our sex life as bad.  Master likes that we are kinky. He is fine with saying we are freaks but it isn't in a shameful or damaging way - it is a good thing. As I said in a post lately - yay for twisted love!