Wednesday, January 25, 2012
There is a post over on FetLife about someone's Dominant starting to feel guilty about the SM they engage in. Even though they have always included some form of SM. It was escalating lately though so he was feeling guilty. I am paraphrasing of course.
I could totally relate to the situation because my ex-husband became the same way. We had some kink in our sex lives almost always. I mean from the first time I had consensual sex - I was tied up and spanked. So I liked it that way. He was virgin when I started having sex with him and I told him things I liked. He instantly took to it and ramped it up at times too without me even saying or needing to say. He enjoyed it just as much as I did. We had what I call rough sex - really hard grabbing that sometimes ended up with bruises and very sore. He also spanked me, held me down, tied to the bed or wrists tied, engaged in breath play, slapped and spit on me, grabbed and squeezed my breasts hard enough to leave bruises and make me scream, nipples really tormented - all those things in our sex life.
He would at times call me from work and tell me to be waiting for him on the bed, on me hands and knees naked or in certain lingerie and not to speak or acknowledge his presence - just kneel there until he told me I could make speak. He was also at times very tender and doing missionary sex with me. It just his mood at the time. But he enjoyed the kink. He enjoyed having power over me sexually.
Eventually I found out there was a name for what we engaged in - BDSM and sadomasochism. We started including it even more after that - ramping it up even. But really it was as soon as we gave it a name was when he started feeling guilty. He started feeling like we were "wrong" for playing in such a way. We were deviants for engaging in this type of sex play. He ended up telling me I was a freak for wanting to be treated that way. He called me a freak enough that it - damaged our relationship. I tried to explain to him - that nothing between consenting adults should make us feel guilty or makes us freaks. It makes us knowing what we like and having fun in the bedroom.
At one point towards the end of our relationship my husband outed me to his parents - about liking BDSM. I was of course embarrassed at that time but later after I divorced him I was back in town and had lunch with his mother. I asked her if she had questions about what my ex had told her and she said no that she felt that anything done between consenting adults was fine. I said " I wish your son would have had the same view." She actually felt bad - like she had given him a view that enjoying sex was wrong. She couldn't figure out where her and her husband would have given him that view though but still felt like she did something wrong.
My ex was not Catholic but he had Catholic guilt on so many things - sex though was one of the number one things that caused guilt from the first moments of our relationship. He felt I wanted sex too much - that it wasn't normal to want sex so much. He wanted to us to be a normal couple. It was like he felt that everyone could see this big scarlet F for FREAKY in BEDROOM on his forehead. He acted like someone was going to find out we were "deviants" in the bedroom. I kept telling him - I am fine with what you do to me. I enjoy it. I explained how hard he got and how wet I got so that meant that we enjoyed it and what was wrong between 2 consenting adults having fun. I told him no one knows what we do in our bedroom it doesn't matter that we have kinky sex.
But he just couldn't get past it. He kept up with that it was wrong. So we would go into these periods where it was just straight sex- no kink thrown in - just blowjobs, doggie style, missionary and anal. All those were normal apparently to him. But anything else added in was wrong. We would do that for a while and then - all of sudden he would throw some kink in and we would go on a binge of kink and he would then get a big new batch of guilt so it stopped.
I couldn't understand what was fine before we had a name for it was suddenly wrong. I couldn't say anything to him to help him with the guilt. I listened, I tried to reassure him that I was fine and that our relationship was good and this just added to it - like sprinkles on a cake making just even better, I tried to assure him no one knew but us, I tried to assure him what went on between 2 consenting adult was perfectly normal but nothing I said could help him overcome his guilt.
I am very thankful I am now with someone who doesn't view our sex life as bad. Master likes that we are kinky. He is fine with saying we are freaks but it isn't in a shameful or damaging way - it is a good thing. As I said in a post lately - yay for twisted love!