BDSM Play Parties: Part 2 of 3 - Hosting

When a former dominant and I decided to have a party we would send out invites for play parties via email and also attach a list of house rules and what we expected.  Once people rsvp'd we sent them a contact phone number, our address and a map.

Here is an example of our house rules....again every house or dungeon might have different rules this is just an example of ours. 

House Rules
* RSVP - we need a number for drinks and such.  If you are going to arrive late, please let us know. (Reason for them letting us know if they were getting there late is because at the beginning of each party we go over the rules again and some additional things that are too complicated to explain in writing such as cleaning certain furniture if using it to play. We wanted to make sure we had people that could explain those things to them when they arrived in case my dominant and I were playing at the time.)
* Arrive in street clothes - but feel to change when inside or strip down to naked. Just keep it vanilla when you are outside our home
* No touching other people without consent.  No touching others toys without asking.  We will have toys out that are available for use, but please clean and put them back after using.
* Be responsible for your play. We aren't going to police you so if you are playing with someone new, please make sure you negotiate and decide how you are going to stop a scene by either using good old fashioned communication or a safe word.
* Be aware of noise. No need to keep your screams muffled, but also no need to scream your head off and get the cops called on us.
* Be aware of others playing around. Keep conversation and socializing to the designated areas
* If wanting privacy before, during, or after play - close the door to the room.  But please keep in mind people might be waiting for the space so don't be a hog.
* Speaking of pigs, clean up after yourself.  We have anti-bacterial wipes in all the rooms, wipe down toys and equipment.  All other areas will be explained at party on cleaning procedures.
* Sex is allowed, but rules will be explained at party.  We have condoms, lube and some sex toys available for use.  Clean up will be explained at party. 
* We have a house first aid kit and will show you where it is when at the party
* Smoking only allowed on patio.
* No drugs or drinking alcohol allowed
* What happens at the play party stays at the play party. Please no sharing names and details of who and what was going on at the party. 
* Bring a snack to share. Paper plates, napkins, utensils, and drinks provided. (sometimes we would order pizza or cake if there was a birthday around the time of party and we would include that on this that they bring a snack, but pizza or cake would be provided)

So I just typed that up from memory....it has been more than 10 years since I hosted a party, but I think I got the major ones.  We had to put that drugs and alcohol on there as someone showed up drunk wanting to play and was doing inappropriate touching. He was just rude and loud to all our guests as well.  I know it is big in most community settings to not use drugs or drink while playing.  We really didn't have a problem with someone having a beer with dinner and coming to our party and playing. It was when they showed up drunk that it started to change the way we hosted.

What happens at the play party stays at the play party happened after attending our party some people would say something to someone who had not been invited and then that person would be butthurt and write my dominant or me upset.  I have a blog obviously I like to share so when I went to parties or whatnot I would say I went to a party, but not say who or what happened except for me.  I really had no problem someone saying on their blog they went to a party. They just needed to know what they were going to say who hosted the party and be okay with saying I am not allowed to say for privacy.

One that I would now add that there was no need for when I hosted parties is turn cell phones on vibrate/silent, no photos and no video recording.  I know it is in this day and age, we are photographed and video recorded all over the place in the vanilla world, but having our photos taken in the BDSM world still can damage careers and relationships with vanilla family and friends.

The Space....We lived in a large 3 bedroom - 2 bathroom apartment. Our kitchen was set up for drinks, then we had dining room with a table set with snacks.  People could help themselves to snacks throughout the evening.

We had a big square living area that had a dining room in one corner, a home office in another corner and then a living room area and reading area. In our home office area, we did have an area for play, but it was understood that they would be near the designated social area.  People liked that area if they wanted to just have some light play with laughter. The living area was social and the reading area I had a wax station set up.  I had crock pots with wax sitting on low table and then an area with plastic and layers of comforters covered with plastic again and then an old sheet over that.

We had 3 bedroom, usually all 3 were available, but occasionally there was only 2.  One room was our "dungeon" - it had a stool, a chair and a portable/collapsible saw horse in it. It also had a shelving unit that had toys in bins and hanging from it. The other 2 were set as bedrooms. One bedroom was my dominant's and had a king size bed that had all sorts of attachment points around it. At the end of the bed, I had a several layers of flat sheets folded over so that people could pull up and use to lay on and then strip off after they were done.  He also a dresser that had these loop drawer pulls that were good for bondage attachment and we usually put a a little bench I had in there too.  The third bedroom had a full size bed in it and a chair.   That bedroom we had set up for those that wanted to have sex mixed in their play.  I had a basket of condoms, dental dams, gloves (for fisting/fingering) and lube.  I also had sex toys that were toys that could be shared as they could be cleaned with bleach or sterilized. I asked that a condom be put on them though for added protection. I had those toys in a basket too. I had stack of towels and a stack of twin flat sheets. I picked up a bunch of twin flat sheets at Good Will - some even had smurfs and cartoon characters on them.

Someone using that room would take a sheet off the pile, put it down on the bed, add towels if they squirted, and then go about their business.  After they would throw sheets and towels into the laundry basket, throw condoms and wrappers into the waste basket, and if they used toys, I asked they wipe them off with a wipe and put in another basket I had next to the dirty laundry so that I could clean them properly after.  If anyone saw a toy in there they wanted to play with I had been known to clean them right then for them.

I stated in this post that, we had toys out that people could use.  We did, it was mostly just homemade things or dollar tree pervertables.  We did allow people to use some of our nicer toys, but we liked if they asked.  We never had this happen, but I know it happened at some other parties - toys being stolen.  So having your toys put away or not loaned out is quite common.

At our play parties, we usually got the ball rolling with some play because it seemed to help get things moving in that direction.

After people play, they would usually EAT! It made us all hungry. So we always had snacks, but sometimes adding in pizza, big sub sliced up, or hot wings. One time, I had nacho bar.  We always had a bowl of some type of chocolate and a variety of drinks. Drinks included water, soda (usually coke, diet coke and sprite), and coffee as often people weren't leaving until the wee hours and some had 45 min to hour drive home.

Hosting a play party can sound like a lot of work, but really having people contribute to it makes it easier on you. Have people bring snacks.  Ask those that have portable equipment to bring some. If you want more equipment, have a building party and get some people together to make some. Make it as easy as you can on yourself.  I really enjoyed hosting as well as attending play parties in Cleveland. Here in our smaller community we haven't had much experience with them and it takes Master and I significant amount of time to feel comfortable around others that we would even play at a party.  Sharing that bond we have with others can be hard at times - it is very intimate and can make you feel exposed.  I doubt Master and I will ever host a party - only because our own home just doesn't have the room.

If you are wanting to be invited to a local private party, then all I can say is be patient and get to know people like you would any other time making friends and sharing experiences. Part 3 - will address questions to ask before attending a play party or things that might happen at a play party to ease your mind before you go to one.

[Part 1 of 3]

BDSM Play Parties Part 1 of 3

I had someone ask me recently what it is like to go to a BDSM play party. When I lived in Cleveland, I went to quite a few play parties as well as hosted many too. So thought I would talk about them a bit. Of course this is just from my own experiences and I know everywhere is different and has different ideas and rules.

So let's start with what a play party actually is...it is a party where kinky people engage in kinky play. It can be a more organized event type party such as when I lived in Cleveland, a local group had their meeting and then a play party after at a local dungeon.  Dungeons often have lots of equipment such as spanking benches, St. Andrew's crosses, cages, tables for bondage and other devious torture.  They sometimes have areas designed for blood sports or water play, but I found that most of the play parties didn't allow those things.  The dungeon rented the space out for private sessions to do those things, but in a big group they didn't want to be liable for fluids spattering on someone.  Also usually no sex at public dungeon spaces even when rented by a private party such as the local BDSM group because that can come across as selling sex when you pay to get into the dungeon.

Some play parties are just local fetish nights at a bar or dance club.  They might have a dresscode and won't usually allow for nudity. They will have a limited area of play and often have performers as entertainment.  They don't often allow for many things that the dungeons don't - such as sex, blood play or water sports.   

Private play parties are held in homes.  I attended many that were held in private homes as well as hosted play parties in my home. My former dominant and I  didn't have equipment, but some private home play parties do have equipment and an actual space laid out as a dungeon. Such as one private home that I went to for a party had their whole basement set up as a dungeon. They had several play areas laid out  with equipment, toys hanging around on the walls, and then they had a bathroom for clean up after play or for water sports.

Many of the private home play parties I went too, maybe had one or two pieces of equipment if that, but had chairs, stools, beds, couches and other such normal everyday furniture available for use in whatever creative way you wished. Our play parties usually just utilized our furniture. We did have a friend that had a portable St. Andrew's cross - so sometimes he would bring that. 

Many of the private home play parties didn't involve sex either. Some did, but the majority of the ones I went to didn't have sex allowed. Mostly I think that was because you are going to be fucking, sucking or whatever on their everyday furniture and they don't want fluids on them.  It wasn't that we are were prudes and didn't enjoy sex with our BDSM - it was that "hey you are on my couch without pants and cum spurting out of your dick."  The play parties I hosted with my former dominant, did allow for sexual activity to happen at times, but usually just one room of our home. (I will describe that set up in part 2)

When we had parties, we only invited close friends and usually kept it to a certain number of people just so everyone could have time to play.  Some people ended up getting their feelings hurt when we didn't invite them. Some people take it very personally and I get how it can be personal.  Why someone and not someone else might be invited, but I will say the people hosting the party need to be the ones comfortable with inviting people into their homes. Being in their personal space with photos of their kids on the wall, neighbors walking their dogs past and so on can be outside of a comfort zone. It is a very personal intimate thing to be invited into a home.

Our parties often ended up being about numbers. We didn't want it too big and it was hard to pick and choose who could come. I had a group of very good friends in Cleveland so they were what I will call my tribe.  But when we invited the tribe to our parties - we right away had 10 people so it didn't leave a lot left on who else could invite even though there were many times I wanted others too.

I will say that there were a few people I didn't invite until after knowing them for several years.  I know it easy to not feel slighted, but just to try to remember it takes time to get to know someone and invite them into your personal space.  Especially when you are opening your home up for such intimate activities.

Part 2 will describe what happened when I hosted parties: house rules, areas of play, clean up, sex areas, and a few other little things.

Hiding the Toys

I am cleaning house right now.  I have been reorganizing and purging things as I go...I started in the fall during my regular fall cleaning, but with some other priorities and my pain getting in the way I wasn't able to complete it. So I started it again now. I will go through Christmas things when I take them down to see what things were left in the boxes that I didn't put up, what things we weren't thrilled with that were up (thinking of 2 things in particular), and donate those too. I got rid of some Christmas stuff last year too and that really actually felt good this year when I was putting things out. It was more simple and that was nice.

But the main reason I am into a big cleaning thing right now though is my parents are going to visiting shortly after the new year.  My Mom is the type of Mom that can't sit still so if she sees something that needs to be cleaned she will clean it. She doesn't really white glove things, but I do know it goes through her head that she wonders why something isn't as clean as she would have it - I saw her do this at my sister's home. So I am kind of being obsessed about getting things in order so she won't have anything to do here. My Mom also is the type that she isn't really snoopy, but she likes to look at how people have things decorated and likes to just look around. She won't be opening drawers or anything, but walking into our bedroom just because she wants to see how it looks - since she hasn't been here in a while - isn't beyond her.

before parent proofing

In October, we got a new bed.  I  know she will want to see it.  Because we have described how tall our bed is now so she will be curious which means she will go into the bedroom - so today I am parent proofing the bedroom.

We have a hat rack with floggers, whips, crops and canes hanging off it. Now robes and coats are covering them all. Master has an armoire that has his clothing on one half and the other half is full of baskets and bins of kinky toys. I labeled all the bins and baskets this year so they have tags that say rope, restraints, chain, spanking implements and so on. When the doors are open, you can see all the little tags clearly. It will be closed, but just in case it is open or she does happen to open it, I am feeling the need to have some things moved/covered a little more. I  reorganized within the armoire to have clothing stacked in front of the baskets and bins so you can't see the labels and it is dark enough at the back of the armoire that you can't make out what is in the baskets.  

I have books and sex toys all around the room that will have to be put on lower less noticeable shelves or in drawers. For Christmas I got an 9 inch vibro realistic cock from Eden Fantasys and it is sitting on a dresser. Very pretty and very big - so unmissable (can't wait to play with it!).

before parent proofing

All this though is bothering me slightly because....I am an adult.  I have been adult for a long time now - as I am 45.  So my question within is why bother because this is who I am.....but at the same time I don't want to make my parents uncomfortable and if you walk into the bedroom although most of the things are not obvious - if you look long enough you will see it.  Especially all the sex toys. I have the njoy pure plug sitting on its box on a shelf just below eye level. The violet ripple glass butt plug, the Dukes (ben wall balls) and several books such as the Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and the Beauty series are all out. We have fetish coffee table type picture books on a night stand.  So if you are standing in the room for more then just a moment or two you will start to notice these things. 

So is it a so what if they see or is it cover it up because they are your parents and out of respect for them....keep it hidden?  Do you hide things from family and friends - even if they know or just with those that don't know?  Or just keep it out and let the questions come out - if they dare to ask?  

Right now I am in the stage of cover it up - I don't want to make them uncomfortable. But as I said it is bothering me slightly that I can't just be me.

do you know what your sex toy is made out of?

I love sex toys so I like to make sure that I take proper care of them.  So knowing how to clean them and what lubes to use is important to me.  I don't want to spend lots of money and then ruin something because I was jumping into play without knowing some handling will harm the material used on/in the toy. 

Such as did you know that you can boil, soak in bleach and water solution, wash with hot water and soap, or place the Njoy Pure Plug in the dishwasher? It is made of Stainless Steel and so allows for a wide range of cleaning options.  

Did you know that you can't use silicone lube on silicone toys? It will break the silicone down. Water lube is best for silicone toys. 

Did you know that know that you can't sanitize jelly toys such as a rabbit vibrator? Because of that reason you should only use it on yourself and not share unless you use a condom on it.  Jelly toys can only be cleaned by warm water or a toy cleaner made for jelly toys. 

I am allergic to latex and I also just like knowing what I am using in/on my body so knowing what materials the toys are made out of is important to me. One of many reasons I love shopping at EdenFantasys.com is because their product pages give you so much information.  Not only does EdenFantasys.com have reviews, customer ratings, color availability, and size/dimensions, but they show you what material it is made out, the texture and also have a little safety material meter too.

Screen Capture of EdenFantasys.com Njoy Pure Plug

Not do they have a great amount of information on the product pages, but they also have this Guide to Materials right on their website so you can look up any material and find the safety meter, how to clean it and what lubes to use with it. I know I learned a lot by reading it and know I will play with my toys more safely and get a longer life out of them. 

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

last week

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Responsible for my Own Orgasm

Once upon a time you could look at me and I could have an orgasm.  It was just simple and easy.  I got turned on easy and I had multiple orgasms easily.  As I get older, it is getting harder to have an orgasm.  Sometimes it is quick and easy like it used to be but the majority of the time it isn't.

Something I have had a hard time with as a submissive is that I want to please Master in all ways and when my orgasms started being harder to reach, I felt bad. I felt like something is "wrong" with me.  I am not good enough for him because I can't reach an orgasm as easily.  Now obviously he is with me not just for my orgasms.  We are together because we are compatible beyond sex - logically I get that. But in the moment of having sex and it seems like it is taking a long time and that frustration is building - the thoughts that there is something wrong with me and feeling inadequate because I can't even orgasm creep in.  Silly - I know.

My body is all over the place right now - changing all the time.  Sometimes it takes pain to get me off and other times I need a softer touch. I always need pain and bdsm stuff for the foreplay to get me turned on and get me wet and wanton, but when it comes down to the actual orgasm - sometimes I just need some firm but soft touching of my clit.  Even then though I still might not come because I need an added mental component  - mostly dirty talk. It is what will usually push me over. But what I am trying to say - it is different almost always - which can get frustrating.

I recently was watching a Tuesday's with Nina over on EdenFantasys.com. They are videos where Nina Hartley is giving sexual advice. Now if you don't know who Nina Hartley is - please google. I think the first porn I watched had Nina in it.  She is long time adult movie star as well as a sex educator.  I really enjoy her Tuesday's with Nina series over on Eden Tube.

One video I watched, that I will embed below, featured a question from a young woman that was having problems achieving orgasm with her partner. That it was making her and her partner feel bad and like they were doing something wrong because she couldn't reach orgasm "from" him.  Nina offered really good advice as well as just some good common sense words - we all are responsible for our own orgasm.

Just because your partner is the one helping you get there doesn't mean he/she is responsible for pushing you over and giving you one.  You know your body and know what will get you there and there is nothing wrong with having fun foreplay and getting close and then personally taking over to push it over.  I think I forget that at times.  Master does a great job of giving me orgasms. I can have one with him pushing me over but when I am having problems - there is no rule that say I can't take over to push over. Sometimes we have done that too - just not often enough and not soon enough. I usually get to the bad thoughts of being inadequate before I just get some sex toys out so I can push it over. Master doesn't care how I orgasm just as long as we are both having fun and getting pleasure (of course we mix it with SM which is pleasurable to us). I mean that is what is about - are we having fun - keeping it fun and doing things to help before it becomes frustrating.

Please watch the video below as well as checking out all the other great videos and content over on EdenFantasys. I love how they always get me thinking about something in a new way.



 Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Safewords

Recently a friend joked that her first safeword was "Olly Olly Oxen Free." So every so often when Master says something that I find particularly sadistic, that I don't really want to do or feel -  I say "Olly Olly Oxen Free." It isn't a safeword but it is just being playful.

Over on Eden Fantasys forums someone started a thread about using safewords. I think if it works for you to use them - use them.  We don't use safewords in this relationship. I am not saying others shouldn't, but I thought I would outline why we don't have one though.

Often when people say they don't have a safe word one of the reasons they say it is because they know each other so well they don't need one or have a deeper relationship so don't need one. Well that isn't the case for us.  First anyone lifestyle or vanilla can have a deep relationship. Next,we are always changing so our tastes and what we like and don't like can change. Moods effect how I feel and react to things also. Plus we try new things often so how would he know my reactions to that if we have never tried it. Really things can be different even if we have played the same way many times before doesn't mean it will go the same way. Yes he knows me, but he doesn't always gauge my mood without me telling him. Master isn't a mind reader.  And even though he has known me 9 years doesn't mean things are always the same.  But even with all that we don't use safewords. 

We use good old fashion communication. I don't need to say red when I feel like I might faint or going to be sick. I don't need to use yellow when a cuff is too tight. I can say, "Master, I am going to be sick" or "Master, this cuff is cutting off circulation in my wrist."   

I like being able to say to him what is going on and what I am feeling. Saying a safeword really allows to just say it and not communicate what is really going on.  I could say red when I am having emotional issues instead of talking about - but talking about is better.  Telling Master I am having flashbacks is much better then saying red and leaving him wondering what is going on.  

Whenever I have mentioned that I don't use safewords in the past, the response I typically got was: "he can hack off your toes."  But even if I yelled a safeword of RED (which is generally stop), he could still hack off my toes.  That is the difference about knowing the risks and knowing the person you are with enough to trust them not hack off your toes.  When you think about it, a safeword isn't going to stop someone from really hurting you if they want.  It still comes down to good old fashion communication which for us, works just as well if not better then a safeword. But if you like the thought of using red, yellow, purple alligator, or even olly olly oxen free - go ahead. Do what works for you. 

Read and explore to figure out what you works for you.  Using a place like Eden Fantasys forums is a great place to start asking questions and read about all sorts of sex positive information even about BDSM.  It is positive sex community to learn more. 


Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

March Q&A: Eden Fantasys

It surprised me when you started doing posts and reviews for Eden Fantasys. So my question is why did you start doing that? 

Eden Fantasys has written me several times over the last few years about doing reviews for their site.  Each time they wrote, I always thought it might be fun to do reviews for them, but I was never sure if I had the time to put into it.  I also wasn’t sure that I wanted to be doing any "selling" on my blog.  But as I started seeing Eden Fantasys posts by other bloggers I frequent, I started to reconsider my thought process. I liked the posts and reviews I was reading about and for Eden Fantasys because they didn’t seem over-the-top prepared instead they seemed honest and genuine.  I really enjoy  the reviews of a sex toy, massage oils, BDSM toys, lingerie and so on from people all over the BDSM blogsphere.

So when they wrote me in the middle part of May 2011, I responded by asking some questions that I hoped were going to address my concerns.  The person who wrote me made me feel completely comfortable with asking all the questions I had - even the stupid questions.  Really it is because of this representative being so great that I finally said yes to doing product reviews and blog posts.  She made me feel comfortable and writing for them never feels like I am selling or being a big informercial for them.  My reviews are completely my own opinion and Eden Fantasys wants that kind of honest credibility in the products they sell.  That became one of the major reasons why I decided to start doing this with them because they wanted honest opinions and it is one of the reasons I really like working with them. It also feels like I am giving personal and intimate information about the product or something I read on their website. I try to keep it very personal - relating to my experiences and thoughts. I like having that personal connection.

Eden Fantasys is a great place for bloggers and they give you great options on how much you choose to be part of representing their company or be part of their community.  You have complete control over how involved you choose to be.  Whether you want to do reviews, sponsor posts, be an affiliate or just even place a banner on your blog.  Eden Fantasys is a good place, selling good products for a wide range of people.

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Eden Fantasys Giveaway - Coquette Lingerie

Eden Fantasys has a Coquette lingerie giveaway going on right now where they are giving away 6 pieces of Coquette lingerie to 3 people.  You have 5 more days to enter so go over and make sure you do as they have some really pretty and sexy lingerie.

I have to admit that I hadn't taken a good look at Eden Fantasys lingerie before today. But I am now wishing I would have looked a little sooner.  I am really like the Coquette lingerie.  I am a big girl and they do show some Plus Sized Models in their lingerie to - so that is nice.

I have quite a lot of lingerie, but haven't bought any new lingerie in years and years. I mean probably more than 5 years. When I first moved in with Master,  I would dress for him every night. I would wear lingerie or just something sexy like a short short skirt, with garters and stockings peeking out and a blouse showing lots of cleavage. Every day I would greet him at the door all dolled up.

But he now works from home so it is hard to "surprise" him with it when we are together all day.  But really there was another reason I stopped wearing lingerie - and that is because I didn't feel sexy in it anymore. It didn't make me feel good or give me any pleasure to put it on.

In the post about the giveaway it says: "You don’t need to wear lingerie for anyone but yourself and for the pleasure it brings you.  When you feel good about yourself – under your clothes or out of them – you exude sexy, ooze confidence."  I totally agree with that sentiment.  I think wearing sexy lingerie because it brings you pleasure and makes you feel good about yourself that it will give you confidence that will make you feel sexy and exude sexy.  But for me wearing it so much -  I think took some of the pleasure away.  It made it feel ordinary instead of special. I love to feel sexy everyday and yes maybe lingerie is that way for some but for me, I like just wearing it every so often because it keeps it as that thing I know I can put on a feel sexy but it also makes it special and different to get away from the everyday mundane things in life. I enjoy the feeling of sliding on a pair of sexy panties, a sheer babydoll, lace topped thigh highs or anything that has that look for me - it just like the quote says makes me feel good about me which brings on a level of confidences that is sexy. I like putting it on and it gives me a little escape - from all the work that needs to be done, bills that need to be paid and laundry stacking up - it allows me to feel sexy and know those things will wait for a bit.

We are most likely going to be taking a road trip for business soon, but it is always a time when I decide to pack some sexy lingerie, sex toys and some kinky items to spice up our nights on the road. I am not sure what it is about being in a hotel room that brings out really good kinky sex but I have many fond memories of our travel time. So maybe some new lingerie would be the icing on top of the cake for this trip.


Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Sex in all Forms

"Sex is also flirting, fingers, kissing, toys, saucy text messages, laying on your lawn with your lover and looking at the stars... sex is a way of being and living... which sex acts you choose to engage in and how your body responds... now that should can be as vast as the population on earth." ~ Ducky Doolittle

The quote is from an interview q&a on Eden Fantasys with Ducky Doolittle.  I love it because that has been my thought on sex too. To me sexual acts can happen from erotic and intimate moments that you don't expect - even without touching sexual bits or having penetration. Just like Ducky Doolittle says from "laying on your lawn with your lover and looking at the stars" - I can see that being sexual.  When I was high school, the first boy I really loved - we laid on a platform of a school playground equipment looking at the stars.  Our bodies close, holding hands, passionate kisses and it did feel like sex to me. It was very intimate and erotic - my body and mind responding.  

The quote is an answer to the question of what is her most frequent question she gets when teaching and it is from straight women asking how to orgasm from penetration. From Ducky Doolittle's answer -  it seems most women don't view having an orgasm another way as "real sex." 

When I lived in Cleveland, I met a young woman who was in her early 20's. She said she was a virgin but in talking with her I realized she wasn't in my terms.  She had oral, anal, fingers, adult toys and other mutual satisfying sexual acts with her boyfriend but just not vaginal so that she would be a  "virgin" on her wedding day.  I asked her if she really felt she was a virgin even though she had done all those sex acts. She said "those aren't sex" - I know the look on my face showed my surprise. I couldn't believe someone was telling me about all these intimate, erotic times where she had mutual pleasure with her partner but they weren't sex? Honestly, I told her that I felt she wasn't a virgin even if she hadn't had vaginal sex. 

After meeting her, I did some internet surfing research to find many young women do this and consider themselves not really having sex because they haven't had vaginal intercourse. They don't view having a cock stuck up their ass as sex. Really? I just don't get that. I don't how that isn't sex. 

I guess I feel from what that young woman told me and the young women I read about were saying that because that is what they wanted to hear and believe. These girls have to convince themselves they are virgins for their wedding night even though - they have done everything else sexual under the sun, moon and stars.  I find that sad. I find it sad they can't just admit they wanted to have sex - so they did and enjoyed it. 

How about Bill Clinton saying he didn't have sex?  I mean that was HUGE scandal to something that was sex. He had sex - a blow job is sex. But I think we are so stuck on how we want others to perceive us that we don't admit the truth.  He couldn't say he had sex because well that would be "bad" that he had an affair.  Those young women couldn't admit they had sex because then they wouldn't be virgins for the wedding night.  Are we too uptight about sex? Are we too concerned with what sex shows about us? I mean do we as a society view sex as a bad thing? I am not sure I have an accurate view on it as I have a blog that talks about sexual things - so maybe I am the wrong person to be asking as I am very open about sex.  

I guess I just view that we kind of get worked up about sex in ways that ultimately lead to unrealistic and unhealthy views of sex.  

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

I Heart Rope

I was reading the Sexis column by Mollena over on Eden Fantasys titled Got Rope?  When I first was tied up, it was just a very crude way,  neckties from my high school boyfriend's closet that he ended up ruining from how he tied me. But I still remember those feelings associated with it - the feelings of him wrapping them around me, how his hands touched me as tied me up, the feeling of them cutting into the flesh and that I wasn't able to move/escape and was there for him to do what he wanted.  It made me feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed but that in turn made me feel very sexy and extremely turned on.   

Oddly enough I haven't been with people who enjoy rope bondage all that much. I have been tied up by a few Dominants that did enjoy rope but they weren't my regular partner and for me it feels different to me. There is a different connection.  Master enjoys bondage in the form of restraints such as cuffs, chain, duct tape but not really rope bondage. But one year at  Thunder in the Mountain I begged him to go to a rope bondage intro class. He said yes. The class inspired him! Yeah for me! 

It inspired him so much that immediately after the class, we headed to the vendors and Master bought rope. He actually had gotten some rope before the class as he did think of putting me in a harness for the evening. After the class though, he decided he not only wanted a more intensive harness, but the bondage to go down my arms. I remember I very scared about what Master had wear to the dungeon - basically sexy lingerie: a corset top, satin panties, thigh highs and heels.  After we got to the dungeon, Master did a body harness on me. From the neck of the body harness he did bondage down each arm. It was really nice. It was nice to feel it go on - feel Master put it on.  To feel his hands and see his eyes on my body as he put the rope on me.  It just felt completely different energy then it is when it is just someone casual. He then gagged me, collared and leashed me and we walked around watching various scenes going on.  I felt very much like a pretty package wrapped up on display for his pleasure.  I felt more sexy in the rope then anything I had been in that weekend - even though I was still self-conscious. It felt good against my skin and it felt good knowing Master enjoyed having me that way.  Rope bondage made that weekend so very special - giving me amazing memories. 

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Review: Beginner's Bondage Fantasy Kit

front of package

Folks trying something new need a starting place.  As folks read my blog throughout the years, a common question has been: "We are new to bdsm and wonder if you can recommend some toys to start out with?"  If you have never done any kind of bondage or bdsm and want to try it out, this kit is for you.  Even if you’ve started out on light bondage and enjoyed it, this may be a kit for you too.  It’s a great starting point for those new to bdsm, who want to learn more about how it feels to be restrained, blindfolded and try new positions.  It’s a really simple way to dabble in a little bit of everything because the kit provides a little bit of everything for you.

The kit comes with a blindfold and then 4 Velcro closure cuffs with 44" nylon strap connector ties so you can tie off to bed, chair and many other combinations.  Each cuff is made with nice soft fur in the inside and the long Velcro enclosures on the outside that are strong.  I had them and I couldn't tug out of them.  Master then had someone in them and they tried to pull out of them - but it didn't come undone.  Could they eventually pull out of it?  It is a possibility. This is a good kit for light bdsm activities – this kit can provide resistance play.

Some beginner kits I have seen over the years were pretty weak.  The Velcro wasn’t that tacky and it was easy to contort and get out of the cuffs.  This kit has good Velcro and none of us could believe how strong they were.  Our partner kept pulling and twisting, but the cuffs remained on.

closeup of the faux fur

The cuffs are easy to attach and really adjustable regardless if you have very small wrists/ankles or are on the plus side – you shouldn’t have any problems.  The one problem we kept having was that the blindfold kept coming off.  Our partner really liked the soft lining and the fit of the blindfold, but the mask didn’t want to stay put. She felt that is an easy fix so still worth getting the kit.  

Our partner, teacup, is new to bondage and this was a good way to introduce her in a non-threatening kind of way.  Because the kit is pretty straight forward, not a lot of experience is required to use it. The kit does require some creativity, but with the 44 inch nylon straps the possibilities are relatively endless.  Unfortunately due to how our hotel bed was setup – there were no tying points on the bed, however with a little creativity Master tied the ends together and then wrapped the end of the straps around his hand to guide teacup wherever he wanted her hands to go almost like a leash. He also tied  the ankles connectors together so they gave limited movement to her legs.  

Bondage can enhance the experience – by removing sight and limiting movement, the rest of the senses were heightened.  Every little touch seems to go that much more and can lead to greater, stronger orgasms.  By being able to experience it from the other side, seeing her reactions also create anticipation in watching her reactions.  She was helpless, unable to reach and touch us, while Master and I had open access to her – running our hands over her body, Master slapping her breasts while I lightly teased her nipples with my mouth and tongue.  She got the full range of sensations once her movements and sight were restricted.

back of package

It’s important to note that as with all bondage related activities – communication and building up trust is vitally important.  Oftentimes someone starting off new has no idea what to expect and unless there’s a great deal of chemistry between yourself and your partner, even something as simple as a bondage kit can lead things awry.  The best way to introduce someone is to do it together.  Take out the kit from its container and in a non-invasive way, test it out, play with it on each other … almost as a warm-up so that the anxiety of trying something new abates.  The next best thing to do is to take things slowly.  Ease into other aspects and gradually add things while keeping in constant communication.  Basically just use common sense like you would with any sex toys you use for the first time.

Beginner kits always seem to get a bad rap from lifestyle couples because they aren’t serious enough.  This bondage kit is a really good starter kit for couples (or more) that are experimenting in something new and different.  A lot of fun can be had with kits like this and the creative things you can do with them are virtually endless.

Review: Expert Guide To Oral Sex

My past profession means I have given quite a lot of blow jobs.  After watching another Tristan Taormino sex education video - I decided I wanted to take a look at  Expert Guide To Oral Sex: Fellatio.  Even though I have given a lot of blow jobs - I know I am not an expert.  I figured I might learn something from it - and even if I didn't then the porn in it would be fun to watch as women who are enjoying themselves giving a blow job always turns me on. 


This adult dvd starts out with Tristan introducing herself to a small group of women before going into a short lesson in male sexual anatomy. She uses good illustrations to point out arousal points on both circumcised and uncircumcised penis and talks about how different areas produce different sensations. She adds of course that every one is different and having a good open communication is key to figuring out what your partner likes.  

After the male anatomy lesson, Tristan brings out Roxy and Christian to help demonstrate parts of the anatomy on a real cock as well as going over four phases of a blow job. The four phases are - warm up, experiment, rhythm, and orgasm.  Tristan sits next to them and talks about the different phases as Roxy gives Christian a blow job. I think it would be very difficult to be aroused or stay aroused while someone talks about the blow job in a more technical form but Tristan is able to pull it off so it doesn't seem clinical but very casual.  Christian doesn't look like he is having any problems staying aroused. The group of women then ask questions such as what do you do when your mouth isn't producing enough saliva, can you change the taste of cum, and how to overcome gag reflect. 

Marcos & Lindsey

After the class is done, then the video breaks off into three separate couples demonstrating blow jobs and being interviewed by Tristain. Tristan narrates tips with each segment showing helpful “pop-up video” style bubbles to illustrate the point. The first couple is Kaiya and Alex in a bedroom setting. Kaiya gives an eager blow job while showing different stimulation techniques and positions.   The second couple is Lindsay and Marcos. Their session focuses on communication between two people have never met, incorporating hand job in with a blow job, different positions and the art of a sensual blow job. You can clearly see how much Marcos is enjoying himself.  Marcos is uncircumcised so it was nice to see how stimulation someone who is uncircumcised can be different.  It was also refreshing to see him start completely flaccid and see him grow hard.  The other sessions just start out with a hard cock.  The third couple is  Alec (same one who was with Kaiya) and Adrianna  who focused on sloppy blow jobs and also deep-throating techniques. 

Marcos & Lindsey

It then is broken into segments that show different styles of blow job: sensual, submissive, hand to mouth (this segment includes a sex toy - anal vibrator), sloppy, and sixty-nine.  Tristan doesn't narrate or have any pop up tips in these segments they are just straight oral action. 


As with the other Expert Guide dvds from Tristan, this one had a ton of extras.  It has segments of some couples without narration, Fellatio on an Uncircumcised Penis, Fellatio & Prostate Stimulation, more of the cast interviews, safe sex, behind the scenes, and trailers. In the behind the scenes Tristan, Adrianna and Kaiya do a little taste testing of flavored lubes.  Because some of the lubes are very bad, their comments and reactions are funny. In the safe sex segment they talk about flavored condoms. I used them when I worked - and I liked banana the best.  

Kaiya and Alec

I don't feel I did learn anything new from this dvd but it did give me some reminders of things I don't do that often that I should incorporate into giving Master a blow job.  I think that if you  feel you are lacking oral skills or if you just aren't enjoying giving blow jobs then you should watch this video. It is my guess you will not only learn something but you will gain different perspectives from the men and women in the video on why and how they enjoy blow jobs.  If you feel you won't learn anything new, then you will probably still walk away with reminders of things to do that you haven't done in a while - like I did. 

Show Your Ta-Ta's Some Love

It is October and with it comes Breast Cancer Awareness.  I had my first mammogram shortly after my 40th birthday. The mammogram for me is not too bad and I often wonder if that is because of my masochist leanings. I mean it can get uncomfortable but not painful yet the techs apologize and explain that it will hurt before it happens.  I have heard horror stories about mammograms but all my techs have been so nice and very thoughtful with what they are doing to you. They know it is an invasion and that it is uncomfortable so try to do everything they can to minimize the experience.  If you aren't having that kind of experience when you get a mammogram, talk to your doctor about it and find other options but don't just skip a mammogram because of staff being rude or it hurts too much...which I have heard some women do.  

I have unfortunately always had flat breasts so I feel like they are trying to make me into a pancake.  The machine is basically two flat blocks of plexiglass looking material. You stand next to it and then lay one breast between them and it then compresses down on it like a vice grip.  I have really sensitive skin so I get abrasive marks from the rubbing of the blocks on my skin so I just lotion them when I get home and that helps. It is just a lot of pressure and as I said it uncomfortable but I wouldn't call it really painful.  It is done to each breast and then here the tech takes a look over the images quickly to make sure things are clear and then if they are - I am sent on my way.  

My very first test they noticed some calcium deposits so I was called back in 3 months later and then after that every 6 months for 2 years.   

From the Mayo Clinic about calcium deposits: "They appear as white spots or flecks on a mammogram and are usually so small that you can't feel them. Breast calcifications can be seen on mammograms performed in most women and are especially prevalent after menopause. Although breast calcifications are usually noncancerous (benign), certain patterns of calcifications — such as tight clusters with irregular shapes — may indicate breast cancer."

Although I haven't went through menopause yet  -  I had calcifications flecked here and there in my breast tissue but there was one cluster - small cluster not too close together but close enough that they wanted to keep an eye on it.  They didn't consider them to be suspicious enough to do a biopsy but just to keep monitoring it. So basically my first 2 years of mammograms were done every 6 months.  And I am very happy to say they didn't change shape or grow tighter together so they just feel it is how with that breast.  

It was scary of course - not knowing. Each time they came back with lets do another 6 month check up I was thankful they wanted to keep such a close eye on it but also worried that it was another 6 month check up.  They of course continue to monitor my calcium deposits but now it is done yearly and if anything were to look different I know I would be in there again more frequently but I am thankful that things look good/the same.  

I will continue to get my yearly mammogram.  I do think it is important to do self-tests too and to go to the doctor right away if anything feels different. 

I am going to share this website because I feel it is important and beautiful:  The Scar Project.  They say "Breast Cancer isn't a Pink Ribbon" and although I get what they mean I also believe in raising awareness and pink ribbons have done the job. 

So many great websites have been doing all they can to raise awareness and money for breast cancer research.  Eden Fantasys is one of those websites - they just did a contest and they also have all of their Evolved toys 25% off and are donating part of the profits to Breast Cancer Research. 

Review: Expert Guide to Female Orgasms

DVD Cover

Several years ago Master and I went a workshop at Thunder in the Mountains by Tristan Taormino on Enemas. We really got a lot of good information from the workshop and thought she was a really good presenter. So when I saw she has a series of Sex Ed videos - I knew I would like to see them sometimes and I got my chance with Expert Guide to Female Orgasms. Tristan takes a different approach to the educational sex video using both education and porn. She uses porn stars in her video to demonstrate. I think that is a really interesting approach.

For the first 30 minutes approximately is the education portion by Tristan and then after that it is divided into 5 different couples being interviewed and having sex. Tristan describes the basics of the female orgasm, what happens as a woman becomes aroused and how that is expressed, the different parts of female sex anatomy, tips and suggestions to help achieve orgasm, and of course she stresses that every woman is different - so how each woman achieves an orgasm will be different. She mixes in the porn stars talking their personal experiences. All the information as well as sexual demonstrations are presented in a very open and non-judgmental, sex-positive light.

Tristan Taormino

Katie & Sean Michael

The five couples are - Katie St Ives and Sean Michael, Evanni Solei and Evan Stone, Jiz Lee and Madison Young, Dylan Ryan and Mr. Marcus, and Adrianna Nicole and James Deen. Before each scene starts there is an interview with each member of the couple. The females are asked how they have orgasms and what they need to have an orgasm. Some of them offer advice for achieving orgasm. I enjoyed hearing how each woman achieves orgasms as they were all different. Although the hitachi wand was a consistent star with each of them. I liked that they used sex toys as I feel many times couples do get intimidated by using toys. As Mr. Marcus says in the video he felt the first time someone wanted to use toys that he wondered if he wasn't "enough" - but now he sees them as just enhances the pleasure and it is part of the process to get there.

Evanni & Evan

I feel although they are porn stars they aren't acting. Maybe I am wrong but everything looks real. Their moves aren't overly pronounced as they are in porn movies - making sure that the camera gets that tongue on the pussy money shot.  No it is just couples having sex. It looks real. In one of the extra features on the DVD there is behind the scenes and Tristan is saying to Jiz and Madison that she doesn't allow anyone to fake an orgasm. And I watched the video before hearing that and felt they all were very real in their orgasms and interaction. Although they weren't "couples" in the sense that they are together enjoying ongoing intimacy - they were all enjoying themselves A LOT but it did lack some intimacy or at least I felt it did.

Dylan & Mr. Marcus

Besides the education portion and the five couples there are also several bonus features - Safer Sex, Kegel Exercises, Vibrator Guide, Masturbation Montage and Behind the Scenes. I really enjoyed all of these extra features. You are really getting a lot of video on this DVD.

My only criticisms of the video are that these are porn stars. Now I do think they did great. I enjoyed watching many of them and felt they all enjoyed each other but I do wish there would have been everyday couples with ongoing relationships and intimacy. I enjoyed the last 3 couples the most though. The first two couples were okay - they didn't turn me on much. I really liked Sean Michaels I just didn't feel Katie communicated very well. She came across ditzy which then turns me off when they had sex. I felt that Evanni communicated well but Evan Stone well he compared getting the female orgasm to fly fishing. Now he prefaces it with putting it in man speak but it still annoyed me. My mind has to be turned on for my body to be turned on - so because a couple actors made me cringe - it turned me off when they had sex. I did feel the other couples were very informative as well as very sexy.

Adrianna & James

Although James Deen said a few things that made me cringe too. He just sounded like a boy instead of a man. But he is right Adrianna exudes sex so I loved watching her. It was really hot seeing her facial expressions as she orgasmed. He also spits on her pussy - which I didn't find sexy at all. Adrianna said one thing too that I didn't feel was very good - she said that she felt those that haven't achieved orgasm weren't allowing themselves to have one (paraphrasing). And that bothered me. I know she was talking about those that never have had an orgasm - but it can be stretched to those who have trouble achieving aren't allowing themselves. Okay so that is hitting close to home - as the older I get I can at times have some trouble reaching orgasm - but I want to orgasm. I try. I am allowing myself to have it...as I want it very badly. But it just isn't as easy as that.

Jiz & Madison

My only other little annoyance is that the sex toys were covered with condoms and there is a feature on safe sex but yet many of the performers don't practice safe sex. I wish they would have all been covered - even if there wouldn't have been a safe sex feature on the video - I just prefer to see them practicing safe sex. If they had been couples in ongoing relationships that had a fluid bond then I wouldn't have had a problem at all seeing them without condoms.

Things I really liked about this video were that Tristan was very clear, open and sex-positive in her information. Mr. Marcus pulling Dylan's hair oh my....yes that set me off instantly! Really they were my favorite couple just really hot sex but the last three couples  turned me on.  I also really liked Dylan talking about the female ejaculation as I feel that will help so many women and men who don't know about it and want to know more. She did a good job of describing what it felt like and how she achieved it.

I feel the Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Orgasms is a good video for those who are wanting to know more about the female orgasm. I think it is especially good to watch with a partner. Master and I watched it together. I don't feel there was anything it didn't tell us that we didn't know but it might have given us some ideas to use that we haven't used in a while. Although there were some things I didn't like all that much, overall it was enjoyable, informative and a turn on.