"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then"

I was searching for something in my blogger - really have been for 2 days on and off - not found it yet. Anyway, I found that a post I made in 2002 was showing up in 2003. So far I haven't found others like that but I have almost 9 years of posts so a little hard to go through them all.

But I have went through a few months and started labeling some that hadn't been. I added titles as it just makes it easier when reading to see where one ends and the other begins. Blogger didn't have labeling or titles when it first came out so that is why those first few years don't have those things already.

I started with December 2001 because well I mean to start with December 2002 (the entry above) but somehow I clicked on 2001 instead of 2002. I went from December 2001 back to July 2001. Damn I posted a lot back then!

That time in my life...wow....fucked up and neurotic seem to sum up my state for the most part. I was talking with Nick online and totally gaa-gaa over him. He could do no wrong except - well almost no wrong. He put up with a lot of crap with me. It was post-Todd so that is why I am mostly neurotic and screwed up dealing with that relationship aftermath. I remember looking in the mirror while I was with him and after for while - I looked tired, worn out, sad but nothing anyone said would convince me he was bad news. It took months after the break-up before I started to look human again.

Life was insane going going and going with my work. Talking to a million dominants online - okay not a million but damn there were a lot. And I knew that at the time that there were many I was talking. I just now go who was that I am talking about in some entries. Because they all kind of blur into each other. Nick is one of the few that doesn't though. I talk about him so much I made him his own label because almost every day from August 9 through that December 31st post that I went through - talked about Nick. I lost touch with him after moving to be with Master. Nick cut off contact really - which I understood. I tried to email him a few times but heard nothing back. So I have no idea what happened to him and actually do wonder as he was a really good guy. We had many good conversations and he helped me through a very hard time in my life. Anyway....

It has been hard to label most of posts because it was just emotions, sorting out and expressing my emotions. Very emo! And because I talk about so many different people they get put into a general label of friends or relationships.

Anyway...the last 2 days have been a trip down memory lane reading old entries.

* actually that icon might be backwards - I am not sure all the people I talk about are "superb" but I certainly can figure out the plot - as I said above fucked up and neurotic at least for the parts I was reading the last few days.

Sleeping Patterns

Rune: Thurisaz ~ Gateway/Place of Non-Action - Reversed

I am very tired today. My sleeping patterns are horrible right now. I just am having problems sleeping. No matter if I go to bed earlier or not. I went to bed about 12:30. I was going to go about 11:30 and then I got caught up in folding laundry while a movie was on HBO. Rockstar…I think it was called. Jennifer Aniston was in it. She looked good in the crocheted dress lol

When I did go to bed, I could not get to sleep until much later. I think about 2:30am. Then I woke up with a nightmare at 4:30. I then got back to sleep about 6am. And woke up with a nightmare about Todd at 8:30 am and then went back to sleep for an hour. So today is going to be a b*tch.

I did have a good dream last night though too about Linda…so that is good : )

I am getting nervous about meeting Laura Antoniou. I am going to be tongue-tied - no pun intended. I hope that I don’t fall over my words too much.

Yesterday I talked about a HE in my journal. The he was Monseigneur E. I needed his control very much. I needed the release too…that he gave me. I needed that down time to let go of everything. I am very thankful for it.

I have this week been thinking about Poly issues. I had 2nd half of my essay on Poly in this months SMART Newsletter. So, I decided to read over it again…since I have not probably since I wrote it…hmm 2 years ago. I think.

So there are poly things I need to discuss with Monseigneur E and Linda. Nothing major. I mean I think I know their views already but just want to make sure we are all on the same page.

Nick and I have been talking lots. And I am enjoying our conversation a lot because they are telling us a lot about each other that we did not know. I feel much closer to him in a way because of all this. Not that we will ever go about things this way again since now we are much better with our communication.

I need to get going…I have lots to do today. Lots to do before tomorrow.

Issues

Music: Ottmar Liebert ~ Nouveau Flamenco 1990-2000
Rune: Raido ~ Journey, Communication, Union, Reunion

I am putting off writing this morning. I know I need to. The Rune I pulled out of the bag fits this mornings feelings.

So, lets see if I can get into a good ramble lol

Sunday I spent most the day in planning meetings for SMART. Monday I spent running errands and paying bills and then had a date on Monday night. Tuesday I was up early and did not sleep well on Monday night. I was pretty much drained yesterday because of the lack of sleep. Then went to GNO (girl’s night out) last night and that was nice. We had some good discussions : )

I need to get packing done today but I also need to go run to Walmart and Kmart to return some stuff…with the credit get some more storage boxes. I also need to get quarters for laundry. I have so much laundry right now. I feel like the daily life stuff is really getting in the way of packing this week. I really need to devote tomorrow and Friday to it. Moni last night said something about Libra’s procrastinating. I do that so much. Kam has told me I do better when under pressure. Recently I was suppose to have dinner with someone. And I was putting it off because it is one of those that I like it once I am there but I dread it until that point. So, I put it off and put it off and then when I can’t anymore then it is like I say to myself…“well now you just HAVE to do it.” And so I just do it and it comes through great.

I do a similar thing with issues or big subjects I should be thinking about. Such as I wrote that I am not thinking about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda as much as I was…I psych myself out. So I have stopped thinking about it as much and then the last few days before I have to leave is when I will then start panicking about all the things I should have talked to Monseigneur E and Linda about before getting there.

I, of course, have concerns and thoughts floating around in the back of my mind that sometimes push to the front. Such as I wonder how Monseigneur E’s treatment of me while there will affect Linda and more importantly how it will affect her and my relationship. I have other things that are concerns Monseigneur E and I have already discussed but still float around in my head and that bothers me.

I opened up to Nick faster then I wanted but he also met me at a time when I was very vulnerable…because I was still feeling the effects of Todd breaking up and then very fresh wound of him moving away. So Nick got to see a very emotional danae right from the start. Instead of having to break down walls. I was in the midst of trying to put those walls back in place as he started getting to know me. So, he was inside the structure before I finished. They are back up in place.

When I had Monseigneur E in the friends category, I talked more openly then I do now, because I did not “feel” he was going to get inside my head and use those things against me. I know logically when I think about this and look at his relationship with Linda, I can see that I can trust him. But emotionally…I hold back. I get scared of the fact he will see something and say, “I don’t want to have you come visit.” And I know that insecurity is one that is hanging on from what I went through with Todd.

I told Monseigneur E probably my biggest deep dark skeleton in the closet and he did not react shocked or scared at all. So, I should logically be able to see nothing else is going to scare him. Last week when…it felt like my world crumbled away, Monseigneur E changed the plans. And logically I can say I understand that reason and it was good he is looking out for me and taking pressures off me. But there is this little teeny tiny voice that says he postponed it because of falling apart and he saw that side me and did not like it. Again logically I can dispel that thought and feeling.

I stopped writing for about 15 minutes was on the phone. Trying to get back in my rambling mode….

I feel this week…alone, scared, and tired…drained emotionally. I just want to be. Just not have to worry about the things I am and just live life again.

My I Ching reading last month said I would know the right time to move. And when I was in Memphis, I knew it. I knew when I came back I would have to move.

Everything just seems like it is on fast forward.

Moni said last night that I like issues. I don’t like chaos, but I usually do have an issue in my life I am dealing with. And I thought about what would it be like without an issue in my life? Interesting thought huh?

Right now though it does not feel like just issues…it feels like my life is chaotic. And I guess that is why I am floundering so right now. I have issues. I get through it. I have had chaos too but the last time life was really chaotic…the way I dealt with it was not a way that I will ever do again. I enjoy the silence I get now so much. I appreciate it. But right now things aren’t silent, but it is a different kind of noise then it was before. I do get some silence when I finally get things to slow down at night. It is just taking me longer to slow everything down right now.

I have friends that are hurting and have things going on with them and I want to help them all. I have all these obligations to people and organizations. Financial worries are of course stressing me. Being homeless is weighing on my mind. Issues with Kam, feelings for Nick, feelings and thoughts going through my mind about Monseigneur E and Linda. I feel like I am on roller coaster right now…and I want to get off of it. What I really want to do today is crawl into bed for a few days and get some sleep and ground myself…recharging my energy. I just feel right now everything depletes it so fast.

And when I get like this the questions and doubts start pushing their way in also. And right now I feel that prickle of stress…the tension shooting down my neck down through my back. And really I would like to be beat LOL and let out anger and tears. I want to scream at someone but that is not really fair lol I want to cry and have someone tell me everything is going to be okay.

Life was so calm…once upon a time. Lets hope it will be again soon.

Quickie

This is going to be a quickie again. I am going to try to write more later tonight or tomorrow.

Today I am really getting excited about Laura Antoniou being here on Saturday.

I am not thinking about being at Monseigneur E’s and Linda’s right now...as much as I had been....I just am too busy with my normal life here in Cleveland but also packing and such. I am not going to get done doing the things I needed to by Friday….and that sucks. But I hope to have majority of it done.

The house is a mess….and it is bothering me but right now I can’t do anything about it. It is going to get worse instead of better.

I talked to Nick last night and it was an interesting conversation. We talked about me being nothing and what that means to me. It is so hard to explain it. It feels like he is taking a more active role in my life…now that I am serving Monseigneur E. It is confusing for me. As I have such strong feelings for Nick. And when he touches on pushing those buttons...it is hard to refuse him.

Just looked at the time….I need to go so I guess I will finish those thoughts up later. I am going to a girl’s night out. And I am looking forward to it.

Active Life

Written Sunday 7pm

This weekend was busy for me as usual. Life in Cleveland just has fallen into its usual routine even with all the changes in my life going on…I am still very active in the community and with my friends. Which is something I don’t want to change. This week is going to be very busy for me. My goal is to get majority if packing, giving away, sorting, and organizing this week done. I want to by Thursday to have things all organized which I want to give away and have people come over anytime after that until I move and have my freebie market. Since Monseigneur E postponed my visit…my stress level has went down. I am still very stressed about getting it all done but having some extra time is making it a lesser stress. I was so overwhelmed last week it was hard to just pick one things and do it. I could not get my focus and now he helped me get it.

I miss talking to both Monseigneur E and Linda…after I have not for a while…I miss them. With Nick it is this craving in me that wants to talk to him daily even when I don’t get to. I told someone yesterday…I don’t have that with Monseigneur E yet. Well, I spoke too soon. I am actually craving to talk to both Monseigneur E and Linda. I have had some quick chats but since I have been back in Cleveland…I feel like I have not “talked” with them. I have chatted but not talked. So tonight I am missing Monseigneur E and Linda. : (

After hanging out with Katrina last night, I have lots of little things going through my mind. It is always good to share things with someone else. Katrina also understands so much of what I desire…so it is nice to be able to talk about those things. I told her things last night how he makes me feel and did while I was in Memphis. And those things made me feel the control and how much my life is going to change.

Written 12:40am - Monday

Well, I just came back from a good cry. I was upset and crying with things with Nick the other night. I have had some tears with things that have been happening these past weeks but I have not cried. And I am not sure that makes sense. I have not had that release of all the stress that is building and building…crying is often the way I do that. I had tears but not cried…I have not laid in my bed, hugging my pillow and cried. So, that is what I did tonight after Monseigneur E and Linda signed off. And I feel better but I feel like there is more there…unfortunately.

The crying tonight started because…of something specific. I felt internally…this wall come down. I am in a cautious mode right now…I feel like I am exposed…or more at risk right now to be exposed and hurt because I have so many changes going on. And I felt like something was vulnerable and I needed to batten the hatches down so to speak. I did not like that it was happening because I don‘t want it to happen. I want to be open with both Monseigneur E and Linda. So, that was one thing I was crying about because I was upset with myself for closing off. By the time Monseigneur E left I opened it up again though...some at least.

I am going to have to talk about the things I wrote in my offline journal this weekend. It just is opening me up. But I need to do that before I visit. I can’t get there like I am now…or things will go really slow.

Anyway…I am sorry I closed up. And I am going to work on not doing that again. Even though I think it is going to be something that I don’t even recognize until I am doing it. I did not realize it tonight right away.

Going to bed…this week is going to be full of long days. I need to get some sleep.

Sick

Okay I am feeling barely alive this morning. I am just going to admit it....I have a cold LOL I was trying to talk myself out of it last night but as the night wore on...I felt it more and more.

Last night I went to a Bi Mixer...with a bunch of girls. It was a nice time. It was a small group but still nice to go with those I went with. They were going to a Gay bar afterwards and I wanted to go...but....my money situation right now is horrible so we passed.

I was a little on edge when I went to bed....thinking of all I need to do still to move out of here. And so I was getting overwhelmed and called Nick. We chatted for about and hour and by the time I hung up the phone I was very tired and went to sleep very fast. So that was good.

I have some things swirling around in my head that I need to write about....but right now I am going to get up and get dressed to run some errands.

Nick

Just a quickie first.....for the day....

One year ago today...just about this time....Nick messaged me online :) I am very happy that he has been a part of my life even through only being online and lots of phone conversation. So Good Day for Us *smiles*

Moving Through it All

Music: Diana Krall
Rune: Eihwaz ~ Defense & Avertive Powers

I am doing much better then last night. The asthma attack really surprised me last night because I just have not had one associated with stress in a very long time.

Last night Nick wrote me an email that I did not handle well at all. The email hit me really hard. I guess I got what I asked for…I said I wanted him to blame me more and he certainly did that…: ) He got out his anger. And I am glad he did even though it hurt.

Monseigneur E and Linda got to see me at my best LOL They got to see me fall apart. At least they got see a not so good side of me. They both handled so well. I was very lucky to have them helping me. I have felt a little weird about it today…embarrassed that they saw me like that. I mean I was here…but I know they could tell what it would be like in person to see me falling apart like that.

Both of them helped me calm down and focus. To slow my mind and my emotions down and focus on what I needed to do to respond.

During the conversation….with Monseigneur E….he gave me a choice/decision to make. And I was so out of control…my mind spinning….my emotions hitting me from every direction…so that I could not think. I could not make a decision that would be best for me…I felt. So he made it for me. Which was perfectly fine with me. And the decision was that I needed to handle things with Nick and postpone visiting.

Monseigneur E and Linda both helped me get focus and start writing down thoughts I would need to cover when I called Nick.

I posted to my journal not thinking….just feeling before I calmed down and was focusing. Nick ended up reading it and was concerned and so-called just as I was printing off my thoughts I had wrote down. So his timing was perfect.

We talked and did a lot of communicating. I remained even. Really I did. I was clearer in communicating then I have been in weeks. I was more focused on each topic I needed to cover and each concern and issue he brought up I was able to focus and be clear in what I felt and thought. He said why could we have not had this discussion when I was in Memphis and called him and told him about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda. I am not sure why not. I just have been very overwhelmed lately with all the changes. Everything seems like it is happening very fast. And so my thoughts are fast and out of control. And so are my feelings.

In talking to him….I also felt very cared for….he communicated how he felt about me much more then he ever has…and I now get he does care and he does not want to lose me. I learned a lot of what he has felt for almost the whole year of knowing me that I did not know….things about my past. I understand why he has done some of the things he has done. He knows now he should have talked to me about them. So I guess we are on a path of communicating better…which is always a good thing.

He knows I am still going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. He knows why I need to. He knows that nothing is set for sure….this is trial visit. But we won’t know how things go or work until I am there. And 2 ½ weeks is much different then thinking of life day in and day out of all the things that happen….just the routine of life.

So thing are good with Nick - the best they can be with me going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. I think we still have some talking to do but my world is not fallen apart. As I felt it did last night.

Today I was very busy….did some running around and did not accomplish much actually. Tomorrow I get to go to a Bi Mixer…with a great bunch of women.

I really feel like I am not going to be done moving. My pile of to give a way is growing LOL I am going to invite people over next week to browse through my freebie market lol

Aydeen described what is going on with me right now, as like what Robin does in book 2 the Slave. Where she sells, gives away and puts just essentials in storage. It does feel like that.

Going through lots of transitions and on that note I am going to post this.

Side Note: My archives have disappeared it looks like for good from Blogspot. I have saved them all so I am hoping after I am done moving to republish them all on my website..so I have a real archive again....instead of the first 3 months and this months. Really sucks and I try not to think about it too much as I think it will depress me.

Want Love

Right now I am also trying to learn to slow the feelings down… and think. I want to try to do that not sure it will work though.

I felt last night that I was losing Nick. And it hurt and so I went to bed very upset and sad. Today, I am still worried about that, but I also have a different perspective on how Nick is acting right now. I hope Nick does not push me out of his life. He says he is not. But he does have anger towards what is going on. I hurt Nick so that is expected. But as Monseigneur E told me…there are options. And I don’t think Nick is seeing them. Nick admitted last night he did look back and saw how I was pulling away more and more. So, it is not like Monseigneur E came in and pushed Nick aside. He is blaming Monseigneur E… I believe he should put more blame on me then he is doing. Because I am the one that crossed the line I put out there.

Last night I told Nick of something that Monseigneur E had me do. Nick asked me a question…he asked me why I did not say something about “telling” Nick before “doing.” I mean how it happened took Nick by surprise. And part of me did not think Nick would be upset or surprised because…he never asked me to do what I did, so having it disappear did not seem like something he would even notice. But it was a big deal. And I am sorry I did not ask Monseigneur E if I could tell Nick before doing what I did.

The above paragraph I wrote earlier in the day. But now…I wonder why did I need to tell Nick first? I called him when Monseigneur E took control and he knew I was submitting to Monseigneur E then so why do I have to call and get that okayed. Not that it is to be okayed….I know he just wanted to know. Well, I was letting him know. He knows I have to obey Monseigneur E. I did not want him to happen upon it and see the change so I called him to let him know. I think that was common curiosity. I think Nick was just reacting on emotion. And it pissed him off and so he reacted.

He had a sense of security with me. I believe he felt I would just be here always. And then when we were able….because there are circumstances preventing us from meeting. But before…why not before…because we took it for granted I believe. I felt I was communicating that I was lacking things…before and after I started pulling away. But from what he is saying to me. I am not sure I communicated it clear enough.

Last night the thought came through….am I doing the wrong thing? I love Nick as much as I can without ever meeting someone. He asked me how I feel about Monseigneur E. I don’t love him. I don’t see myself loving him. Aydeen and I talked about this last night too. Not that I won’t care about him because of course I already do. I care for both him and Linda, as they are people I consider very good friends I respect them a lot.

I think…hope Nick understand some of my motivations behind making the decisions I am making now. I know it still does not change things but at least he knows what went into my thought process to get me to this point.

At one point I got very angry with Nick on the phone last night and I started to raise my voice…and then stopped. I did not notice it until later when I hung up. My motivations with Nick are different then Monseigneur E. There are similar elements but also one main element being different.

Nick asked me why I changed what Monseigneur E told me too. I told him…duty. It did not cross my mind not do what he told me. I did not like it. I did not want to change it. I did not change it to that point for a couple reasons. I gave a commitment to do what he tells me and put his wishes first for this time period. And so I would be dishonoring that commitment and not following through on my word. And I know Nick understands that as honor and integrity mean a lot to him…not only because of his military background. I know that Nick is wondering about if Monseigneur E will forbid me to talk to Nick. I told him that Monseigneur E would not do that. I tried to explain Monseigneur E’s thoughts…as Aydeen basically asked the same question to Monseigneur E. I just know Nick is not trusting Monseigneur E. I wish he would talk to him because I think a lot of what he is feeling and thinking would be given a different outlook that he would like. Maybe. *shrugs*

Yesterday, was much better then Monday. And actually the thing that helped me was talking to Monseigneur E on the phone Monday night. I pulled myself together before I called. I think I sounded normal lol Which is better then I was sounding 20 mins before then. I am still very tense about getting things done and ran past some of my ideas on what I am going to do with moving....with Aydeen on the phone last night.

Tuesday Monseigneur E and I discussed what he was trying to accomplish with Monday’s lecture. It did not quite work how he wanted. And I see what he was trying to do. I also understand it...but that type of thing does not work with me. It shut me down and also overwhelmed more. Like I said above what helped me was chatting with him on the phone Monday night. And what we talked about did not really have to do with anything we talked about the lecture. But for some reason it helped me....pull together more focus. Maybe just pulling together before I called him helped too? But I know just talking to him helped me. I was really upset. I do feel more calm and focused.

Tuesday I was talking to Linda about 2 men in my life...and how they manipulate me. I don't really see the one quite the way she does. But I do understand it more today. I am a feeling person…I look at feelings…. I see both men reacting out of feelings…and it does not make it right but I understand it. I compare this to past things...this is nothing. It is sad but true. I think about Don and nothing compares to that. (I wrote this before talking to Monseigneur E this morning about Don - clarifying for me in future when I read this and for him - weird that we kind of covered this in our conversation this morning) And maybe they get by with things because of that. Because I have this line that says...here is bad...and here is really bad. And they may come close the bad line at time but not actually touch it because it is so subtle. Where with Don...he just bolted into the really bad section...to the cruel section and that was it.

One thing that I think is going to be a problem with all of us...Monseigneur E, Linda and myself is I rely on my emotions. I use my emotions to decided things…more then I use my brain. And they are people who think and go with what they think then feel I believe. Maybe it will be a good combination. Maybe it will help me rely on thinking more…then feeling.

Monday night I deleted an entry…and told Mistress DM that I did. She asked me why. I told her. She told me I was motivated by fear. I did not want to disappoint Monseigneur E. And in the end…not posting it would disappointment him more but in the moment of deleting it I did not think that. Monday night my thoughts were all over the places…as I was just feeling so much pain. To top things off I have cyst acting up right now and have been in pain the last 2 days and with moving and going through boxes it does not help it. Lifting heavy boxes when it is acting up just causes me to be in more pain. I get used to the pain. It just feels like it is normal for me.

Okay back on topic…Mistress DM then went on to say not to lose myself. I remember her saying that with Todd. I know it is different right now then it was with Todd.

Losing myself…I tried to write about that yesterday. Is it losing myself or is it becoming myself? Being nothing…getting to the core…does not seem like it is losing myself but finding myself. But will things change about me…will some of that individuality…disappear? I don’t have that answer. I did think about it a lot yesterday while I was sitting waiting for an appointment.

Am I already losing myself?

I just opened up a conversation I had with Kevin online in January. He asked me what was the one thing I wanted to see happen with Nick…the one thing I wanted with Nick over everything else. I named fear first… and he said that was not a single thing. And I started naming being caned until I bled, held under water and a few things like that. He then said I was not saying one thing. I said there was not just one thing. I get flashes of images and feelings and not just ONE thing comes to mind. He knew that…so then he changed his question to what was the one thing I want desperately…and I said to be loved.

Has that changed?

I know that is what Michael was touching on when he messaged me while in Memphis. It has not changed. I want love. I want to be loved. But in what Monseigneur E seems to be telling me he will be doing…I think I will find myself. And that…is more important and something I have wanted for so long.

Babbling right now…and I really need to get busy. I will write about that subject more later.

Yanked

I can't sleep. I am restless. I called Nick because he is a safe place for me. He relaxes me and makes me feel calm again.

I did the cube on him. It was interesting to hear. I won't write about it here because again I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

On Friday it will be a year...of him and I knowing each other. Last year this time of year, I was so depressed. I did not know if I was going to pull out of it...the depression. But Nick really helped me. He was so positive and so sure of me. He made me realize the things that I had buried with the sadness.

Of course after talking with Nick....wished to be snuggle up next to him and feeling safe. I don't like the Libra part of me that wants both sides of the scales. I want to be nothing that I know Monseigneur E will treat me like. And I want the tenderness Nick will give me.

A question Monseigneur E asked me the other day just popped into my head. And it was not a question I was happy to hear. He was right to ask it. I just did not like admitting the truth. Mistress DM could have answered that question for him right now I am sure. She has seen me in this state before.

It comes down to I don't trust myself in these types of situations because of the stress...I don't trust my instincts and even common sense right now because of the stress. I feel like I am walking in a fog....and then other times it feels so clear what I need to do.

Last night I heard several times that I will find what I want....that I have the determination to find it. But what side of the scales do I want more....

A week ago....I was yanked to one side of the scales. I loved it of course LOL The next step will to get on the plane and not get sick on the way! LOL I know I am weird. : )

I wrote about being nothing today....feeling....seeing the images. The thoughts keep playing over and over in my head and I feel the prickling heat rise. And I think of all the time this is going to go on until I go there. Oh my LOL

Nothing....To be nothing....

It is not only to be degraded and humiliated for me...but also to feel the walls being pulled away....to be emptied....to just be. I wish I was feeling that right now....

Maybe I could get to sleep then?

The Cube

Music: City of Angel’s soundtrack

I am back in Cleveland. I am sitting here crying at the moment. I am feeling so much today and having a hard time focusing. Writing often is good no matter if I just babble about something non-important - daily events or real issues…it helps purge some of what is in me so that I am able to focus. It gives me direction.

Direction…just what a girl like me seeks. : )

Last night I signed online and Linda was online so I told her I was back in Cleveland safe and sound. And then I signed off and called Aydeen and then Nick.

Nick and I talked for quite a while. I was feeling on edge right when I got on the plane and it did not ease up. Nick helped relax me. Our conversations since telling him about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda have been different. The same Nick but more…direct Nick. Which has happened in the past when I have told him about playing with someone. But even now it is stronger then it was before. He mentioned the future many times. It made me smile and sad all at once.

I then hung up with him and was going to go take a shower and go to bed but ended up talking with Kam for a little bit. It was fine…I wonder if he feels the tension in the air like I do?

I dreamed of my cube the other night…it changed. It is so weird how already how I view things…view myself has changed.

Today, Monseigneur E and I had a conversation that was not one of the better ones but there is no focus for me today so I am just a little out of whack. In it… he asked…if I doubt my decision making that much…that I doubt my decisions. And yes I have always been like that I never made decisions based on what I want growing up. I made them based on what others expected of me. And so I always had that nagging part of me that knew there was more…or something else because I was not living for me. I did get to a point where I live for me. But right now with everything…everyone. I feel like I am being pulled in many directions.

And I put myself there.

I do not want things to change…with Monseigneur E. I want his control. And I want to serve him. But as he pointed out…it is not permanent. And even if I feel everyone is moving me there already…as he pointed out there is an expiration date on it…on the control and service.

How did that make me feel? More awful lol

More out of control. More scared. More…

F*ck

Looking at it from another perspective…

He is trying to calm me by showing there is less stress about visiting then I am placing on it. With all that I have to do right now….he is trying to lessen my stress. But of course being the normal neurotic person I am…I do/did not get that.

I have a headache LOL

I will type more later…just going to go unpack and listen to some music and veg for a little bit to calm everything down.

an illusion

Today I feel very calm...and good.

Since Tuesday...life just feels so different. And I still go through moments of going how did this happen? And also where did I go? Because even now walls are slipping out of place. I wonder if they will go in place again when I get there. Because right now it is seeming way to easy. I did have a moment of wanting to fight last night but....I kept quiet and then did as I was told. Even though it took me forever to get started. And since I am not saying more about what I did that is all that will be discussed on that topic *smiles*

Before I signed offline last night Nick messaged. It was a nice and interesting conversation. He knows me well...emotionally and likes and dislikes. It was a little uncomfortable..for me but not sure about how he felt about it. I feel odd writing about things and knowing he might read them. I have been smiling all week....even though....I care for Nick....those needs in me that I have been pushing I aside...have pushed up front now. And I feel the need to explore the dream I have had for years.

I had my first bouts (sp?) of doubt last night. I was reading something in an journal entry about Todd and I wondered if Monseigneur E was an illusion. But I know very well he is not. One big proof of that is Linda :) So, just old past issues creeping up and nothing really to do with Monseigneur E.

When I thought of fighting last night, I believe I was feeling that way because....it was shortly after my doubts....and I felt the need to fight to test the trust. To see if I could trust him. Which...I have known him a long time and know I can trust him...completely. I knew that before I felt this strong of pull towards him. Before....I moved into my new house and out of the condo on denial :)

I feel like that prickle of energy is rising in me. Not sure what it is....yet.

Commitment

I should be typing away....in a mad flourish of fingers hitting the keyboard....but I am kind of drained. I did quite a bit of crying. I talked to Nick tonight. It started out bumpy...ended okay...but not great. He was not happy. He was not mad at me. He knew this could happen....could. It will be a year on the 9th of August...so I am sure he has to have felt some security that I have hung around this long...and that I would continue as it has for a year.

I am not even sure what tonight solved or did...but I had to tell Nick what was going on.

Nick does not have a commitment to me....nothing said out loud....nothing formal....but he knew exactly how I placed him in my life. He and I had a talk of where the line is....things that are acceptable and things that are not. I crossed that line yesterday. And that is what I told him. I told him more then that...more details.

Tuesday changed everything. And he knows that. Before Tuesday he could have said do such and such and I would have done it for him happily...but...now....I am not me anymore. I know that sounds so strange when I type that but it is how it feels.

I did not expect this to happen.

Changing subject slightly.....

Monseigneur E and Aydeen chatted today. Yesterday, she was a little mad...at him...about him....which he and I talked about and she and I talked about. She did not understand that I have known Monseigneur E longer then I have had this journal. And that it has been discussed in the past that I "try" with him and Linda....but a couple of reasons have always stopped me/us....2 that are the same reasons we have right now but....we are just kind of accepting and changing I guess. So, it is not like he is just some Dominant I talk to....he is a trusted friend. And he is someone that can make that dream...of what I really want to feel when being owned....come true. Aydeen said I have glowed for 2 days now. She now after hearing that Monseigneur E has gotten to know me for quite some time....and hearing more things about him...she is very happy for me and does not want me to back out or try to talk myself out of going to see him. She told me today basically that this is the dream...I have been searching for....all my life. And as she says things like that I take 2 steps back...arms length. :)

He is not going to let me continue to do that....hold him at arms length. He will not let me hide, deny, avoid or run either....I learned today that I can't hide....oh how much fun I had in learning...that lesson. Gawd lets hope I learned that lesson! :) While he was talking to Aydeen....I was dying of embarrassment and told him something that I felt like doing to hide. And he told me to DO IT! OMG! I hesitated...which...I see clearly in my head how that won't be accept with him in person....and what will happen then...scared. I am very scared.

After I was done doing what I had to do, I sat down Thanked him for my lesson. And then...started to do some writing...and also talked to Linda because she enjoyed what I had to do as much as Aydeen even though Aydeen got to enjoy it....in person. *rolling my eyes* As I was chatting with Linda about just stuff...little girl stuff actually....I started to get mad. And then more and more angry. I did not like that feeling or understand. The only conclusion I can come to....is that he won again!

He and I discussed the anger. He is good. He is firm....controlling....does not back down....but he does not want me to get hurt. He wanted to figure out the anger.

Change of subject of course....

Thinking of Nick...and Monseigneur E...and confused.

questioning my "submissiveness".

I am not even sure where to start.........

Right now the thing most upfront in my mind is Monseigneur E. And Nick....oh wow....

Right now I am questioning my "submissiveness"...if I can be a slave or enslaved. I am reading the Marketplace books and of course that is giving me LOTS of food for thought. Robin...I am really liking lots. Thoughts that go through her head that she does not say happens to me lots. I am just not the same submissive I was.....

Today Monseigneur E asked me if I get enjoyment out of denying my nature and desires. I said no Sir of course not. And then he asked if I got satisfaction out of it. I said no Sir. Then he asked why I persist in denial of my nature and desires. I told him I did not think it was about enjoyment or satisfaction but that right now I have a lot of things going through my head making me question who I am. He said that I was the only one that was not clear about it. :)  The first thought that went through my mind was calm and I typed maybe Sir….though I was thinking yes Sir you are right. Then....I read it again....and I got annoyed. Mostly because I could hear his voice being so calm and matter of fact about it like...there was no way in hell that I am not submissive/slave…..or whatever he wants me to be. That is how it felt when he said it and a little rebel in me wanted to push back....and say you think you are right hahaha yeah right...nice huh? submissive huh? Well, I typed about 4 witty but less then nice remarks and backspaced and deleted them all...

And you know what got me the most after the conversation closed and I walked way from the computer....

That I backspaced. I did not hit enter on any of the remarks. So what does that mean? He won? Maybe. :)

I know I am submissive...I guess what I question more is HOW submissive am I? I am not just a bottom. I can play when I want...I am not wanting just sex...can get that too. I am not wanting just one thing.....I want it all...everything :) I am a greedy slut :)

Someone I know keeps telling me that what I seek does not come in one neat package....I think he is wrong. I think I can find....have found someone that does. Now....I say I want these things but can I do it? Humiliation - easy. Taking a beating - again another easy thing. Sex - no problem :) Bring it all up a few steps – and then….on top of it….add D/s.......and now I have a BIG problem. Which brings me back to what I have been pondering for a while now.....HOW submissive am I.....can I be a slave? be enslaved?

Everyone around me tells me I am submissive. And I do know that....it is just to what degree. Linda told me when I am with her Master...Monseigneur E....that I will see I am submissive. I told her I have changed lots since I last saw her. She said something...she said don't judge my submissiveness when I am single. She said we needed to talk about that later. And I do want to ask her about that as it seems like it could be a very interesting convo.

I wonder if he is always right?

That is my problem….I am always right. I remember having a convo with Todd once and I said this being totally serious and sad about it….he said that I always had to right and I said no I just always was right…and that I hated it. I do. I don’t like that I am always right. Yet at the same time the day I am knocked down a few pegs…is going to be a very enlightening day for me.

Tonight I signed online and Monseigneur E was online and we chatted. His conversation with me was not our usual flavor. (blushing) We were chatting about something he wants to do with me. And something that I want to do with him also just going to be one of those things that will be a learning experience….since I have not done much of it. In the course of discussing this he said something and I took it as a “suggestion” because to me….here I am in Aydeen and Sir Laz’s…home so it seemed….unusual to have this “request” to me. And then he said something else and I realized it was not a “suggestion” or a “request” but basically I was being TOLD to do something. I then informed him of the situation a little more and then he came back with that after that situation cleared I was to proceed with the directions. I was surprised. I was of course totally turned on too.

He then said something close to that he thought we were beyond him making “suggestions” to me.

And that even got to me. I had that little shiver go down the back of my neck.

At one point earlier in the conversation Aydeen read one thing he wrote to me and she even blushed lol I blushed too but she blushed right along with me lol

Monseigneur E and Linda want me to visit. And it seems like NOW – instead of later. It feels very…on the edge right now. And as Moni pointed out to me today….I have business to take care of in Cleveland first. : (

Reading back what I have written….read part about Robin and The Marketplace and the Thank you Sir’s I typed tonight came to mind. Two weeks ago I am not sure I would have said Thank you Sir as much as I did tonight. It was sincere…but I am thinking more with the Marketplace …thinking of things I “forget” that bother me. And being grateful for the things I am given, as a submissive is one of those things. Especially with someone like Monseigneur E.

Before I left I did a blogger entry that was a bunch of dailies smushed together. In it I talked about a fantasy organization of who I would want in it….I listed pretty much people I look up to and respect in D/s and BDSM….Soulhuntre and Kimiko were on that list. Laura Antiniou of course (Author of the Marketplace series) and Monseigneur E is up there with them.

He gets it.

There is so much more I need to type but I need to get to bed….Good night.


Written March 26, 2012 @ 9:26pm: I just reread this entry tonight and I am just adding what he had me do...he had me sit under the desk for a period of time and then had me sit on the floor and type to him in im. Basically kneeling at the desk to type.

Blank Slave

Last night....I when I picked a Rune out of the bag and it was the blank one....

I had the rush come through me of knowing....that knowing.....it did not matter what the book was going to say...I knew in me what it meant…for me….to me. And it was rush of energy. It meant...nothing. Being nothing...becoming nothing....feeling the state of being nothing.

The book then ended up talking about the truth of surrender. And so much that relates to the feelings I am having. I have never felt I was slave material. I did not think I could do it. But part of me...wants it so badly. So, if I want it so much does that mean I can do it? I want to be a slave, but have felt maybe I am not one.

When Mistress DM said I was not...I was crushed...literally. I grieved and cried. This person that I respect and want approval from crushed my dream. And if she felt then it must be true. I then got mad. Mad at her for not seeing...ME. And it was like one of those things where someone tells you...you can't do it....so just to prove them wrong you work harder to prove them wrong. That is what I was going to do and then life got in the way. I then came to a quiet understanding that deep inside....I feel I am a slave....and the one that will eventually own me will see it too....and bring it out…from behind the walls that I have put it deeply protected. And that is all that mattered. But it is hard to hang on to that....hard to hang on the belief without the proof. It is hard to hang on and say one day...wondering when if that one day will be here. Wondering if it is just a daydream in me or if it is a reality and I can be a slave.

As I read about Robin....I shake my head....remembering....times like her...assumptions on how to serve....assumptions on how things should be....not showing the gratefulness at the appropriate times (that one is a hard one for me). There are things that come to me natural instinct. Things that don't come out of my mouth even though they are thought because....it is not appropriate. There are other things that when I have lost it....lost my patience....lost my...searching for the word....it is that place of serving and confusion of not knowing what to expect next and not feeling the direction at all...and feeling like I am doing it all on my own...that things come out of my mouth that are LESS then appropriate.

I want to be nothing and the feelings as I read the Market Place series becomes stronger. I want to feel that feeling of being nothing. It scares me and it makes me feel so calm when I let myself go into the daydream of it.

Last year when Nick came into my life I wanted the things that Todd gave me (the good things). And now I get torn between wanting to be treated like nothing and wanting to be cared for. Can both be achieved? Will that feeling of nothingness make me feel cared for?

Aydeen and I were making beds last night and she told me a story of her being totally exhausted...having a long day. Sir Laz came in to help her make the beds as she had....a long day and was just so tired. She started to get more and more on edge as he helped and finally she asked him if she could make the bed by herself and him just watch her. It was making her on edge...her Master helping with something she enjoys doing FOR him…a way she serves him. It made her feel cared for....by serving him....by her making the bed and him watching her. So, I thought about it for a moment and it only took me a moment believe me...and if the one that Owned me....came to help me I feel I would feel more cared for because he was helping. Now....okay this is the tricky part....for me.....

This morning I thought about it more...and I think if Monseigneur E came in and helped me.....I would be terribly uneasy. And if Nick did...I would feel cared for....but maybe it is because the relationships. Nick and I are comfortable together....so far (things will change when we hit real life). And Monseigneur E is more formal to me....I know he can joke around and have fun. But there is a feeling of formality around him...when I think of him. And air of respect that I can't really put into words. And I know that I care for him...but it is different then how I care for Nick. And maybe it is just because I just recently admitted I have feelings for Monseigneur E. But they are more D/s - BDSM feelings. And with Nick...I have D/s, BDSM, Vanilla, Love, and just all sorts of feelings. I care for both but in very different ways.

I better stop babbling….eating a sandwich that Aydeen just made me…I am being spoiled rotten :)

Living Situation

Yesterday Aydeen and I went to lunch at a Thai restaurant. I had spicy beef noodles; it was really good! They looked like they had a lot of good things on their menu. Then we went to a museum that had an exhibit of Chinese Artistry…mostly Jade pieces. It was very interesting. The pieces were very elaborate....full of tiny detail. After that we went to see Lord of the Rings, since I had not seen it before. I liked it. I read the books in junior high but was not overly thrilled with them so was not sure how I would like the movie. But it was a pretty good movie. Not sure I liked that it just ended…but I know they have 2 more coming out. So, they had to pick a place to end it.

I am pretty much avoiding writing today. I keep distracting myself with surfing on the web. I have time to kill today which is fine with me as I got my period last night and so my first full day of my period is always awful.

After our full day yesterday…I ended up getting online late evening…and I chatted with Monseigneur E and Linda. I had a nice talk with both of them. Both asked within minutes of each other about me visiting them. I wish I could go straight from Memphis to KC but I can’t afford it right now.

This morning I chatted with Kam online for just a few moments and my stress level went through the roof. And it was just minutes. I did my usual...try to be there for him as much as I could and did not let on that I was sitting here crying because of the stress. I did not realize how much stress I have had in my life lately....really until I was chatting with him. I realized how much I am able to let go and forget about things when I am here. I have lots of things to be thinking about and I am not really thinking about any of them. Which might be good…just think about nothing right now so that I am free to focus when I get back.

Anyway trying to let go of that stress now and that is why I think I was trying to distract myself with surfing instead of writing.

As I said I am reading the Market Place series right now….book one. And I don’t feel I really relate to any of the characters. Some parts of a few of them I do…but I don’t think I could “live” the market place lifestyle. As much as I have dreamed about it and wanted it all my life, I admitted that to myself though probably about 2 years ago, I am much to selfish….and wanting my needs taken care of that I just don’t think I could do the market place. They would be sending me away. That makes me sad to think about it.

I am going through that wondering if I am really submissive at all….could I be enslaved? I just am so confused right now.

When I think of being with Nick….serving him….and when I think of Monseigneur E and serving him…it feels very good. I get nervous and scared but I also can’t wait. There is more fear with Monseigneur E and more love and caring when I think of Nick. I think of Nick and serving…is starting to come from that place that cares about him and wants to show him how I care by being a good submissive to him. My wanting to serve Monseigneur E….not sure where that comes from lol really I am serious. It is respect. It is like there is not a choice. There is….obviously I can say no. But it seems like a hard word to be said to him.

Aydeen and I just were talking about my living situation. And it was a hard talk. I could write a book about everything going on at home and all the stresses. I don’t want to have to deal with it but not going to get around it. I just hope that when the time is right that the answers come. Because right now I feel like I don’t have many answers. Or maybe I am just not seeing them.

I did the cube to Aydeen and then Sir Laz yesterday evening. It was interesting to see. I always like seeing/hearing others Cube. : ) I think Lisa’s was the most interesting so far (grin). I need to write her as I think I am going to be in town August 4th.

I am really down today…and overly emotional and I am sure it I has to do with the fact that I have my period. I just am thinking about all these things in my life and getting more and more stressed and upset. Guess I need to go and read some of the Market Place and get turned on instead of upset : )

Again

Yesterday was a busy day for Aydeen....it was nice though to just to hang out and be around her. We had a good talk when we came home. I found out where things are with her and I needed to hear them. And it feels much more relaxed to be around her now....not that it was tense but I guess I just know where I stand with her. Now if it could only be that easy with Sir Laz. It bothers me he has not say...."this is what I would like....will you....??" But I also have not asked. *shrugs*

I talked to Nick last night....it was a GREAT talk....one I needed so much. I did not have my walls up with him either because....I was in such a confused state with what was going on with Sir Laz and Aydeen and then just these other feelings I am having that seems to feel like something else is about to hit....maybe just relaxing more and so it feels unknown to me.  My talk with Nick was great. He is awesome. It started right away with what was happening here and he enjoyed me having to share those details as I was getting all blushy and squirmy....not enjoying having to talk about it at all...because it was not what I expected so I was embarassed. And he was not upset at all. His big thing as I have said many times before is...he wants me safe...mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I just was not expecting anything that has happened here to happen....and sexually I am fine with things as long as I know the boundaries and know it is just fun and sex. But D/s I am not comfortable with and not sure why exactly but Monseigneur E as well as Nick are coming to mind as I type that. BDSM things could happen....but D/s....I am not wanting to give up control at all.

I keep going through the thought of wondering if I can give up control. I do in limited way....and that is fine but can I give up control like is done in the Market Place series. I am reading book 1 right now. I going through that am I submissive stage again.

I have skipped around...and all over....and now...need to get going. We are spending the whole day here tomorrow. So, I will write more tomorrow.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. - Woody Allen

Sybian and the G-Spot

I am waiting for Aydeen to get back....ran out for a little bit and then we are going to lunch. She mentioned tomorrow going to a Jade Museum which would be interesting :) I am really out of it today. Not sure if it is because of last night's playing or just not sleeping well. I feel groggy and I am almost shaking underneath my skin.

Sir Laz and Aydeen have a sybian...for anyone that does not know what that is....it is a f*cking machine. So we played with that last night. It was cool. We talked about how to achieve orgasms is different for everyone. The machine has an attachment for G-Spot. And I hate my G-Spot touched. It hurts. I have had men that I told that too and of course they always say well the people you are with do it wrong...let me do it to you and they do and of course what happens...I am in pain. Why do men not get that women KNOW their bodies. Sorry for the rant. Anyway, I tried it.....it was interesting. :) It was a very powerful orgasm from it. I did not squirt though and even though I did not want to...I thought I might. I can ejaculate and so the possibility was there.

As I wrote yesterday I am a little shocked of how things have started here...and they have been maintaining that direction. And so I am still in shock even though since it started that way I am not sure why I am shocked still. Last night one thought was of last time I was here....and also of Nick. Since I know his impression of my stay here would be as "friends" sooooooooooooooo not having it be that way I really really feel he should know even though I know he is going to say do what is best for you.

I wanted to talk to him so much last night. I even missed him....like that deep needing where I could have cried with the pain of needing him. I remember when I told Todd I needed him. It was a big thing for me to do. And hard to do. I have been thinking about Todd LOTS lately. And especially here for some reason.

It feels like my life is on the verge of something happening.....I wonder what it is or if it is even there. I feel like I am bracing myself for it. Maybe it is not my life maybe it is affecting lots of people's lives....what it kind of feels like is how I did before 9/11. Strange huh? I feel it heightened right now though. But maybe it is just releasing of my stress that I had all last week. Maybe it is the different kind of stress I am going through here now. Maybe it is just an uneasiesness of feeling out of control with my life at the moment....which would include those last 2 things too :)

I wonder how Thunder in the Mountain's went....I have been thinking of Monseigneur E and Linda and wondering if they had fun. And wondered if Mistress DM had a good time also.

I am thinking of Moni today...sending her positive thoughts and love.

Sorry if my spelling is bad right now.....or worse then usual.....I don't have my nifty little program that someone clued me in on....to be spell checking for me.

Leo, Gemini and Aquaris

Music: Ottmar Liebert....a collection of his....Aydeeen was the on that got me hooked on him so we are listening to a new one she has

I am in Tennessee :) It was a good flight and everything was just fine except for the fact that I had to take my shoes off lol But that was not a big deal really to me either only that Kam had joked about it before we lefted. It is great to see Sir Laz and Aydeen :) We are already having fun of course. It is just so nice to be here and I feel the stress kind of fading from me. Which Katrina told me the other night just relax while you are there and don't think about things back in Cleveland. I am doing a pretty good job of that LOL

Aydeen and I were talking this morning about Todd and Di yeah lovely topic I know, but I was just trying to fill her on on some things that happened. I was talking about astrology too and that Todd was a Leo. I told her of some of the charts I have done with him in them and I don't know why I did not remember this but Aydeen is a Leo too with the same birthday as Todd. I think I blocked it because...she does not have Leo qualities to me - where Todd does. And then Sir Laz is a Gemini and I forgot that too. Gemini and Leo's are who I am most compatible with...according to one astrology book I have. The other says Aquaris and Gemini.....Morgan was an Aquaris.

Change of topic...I wonder if a person can pull so away things that they turn energies off....and spirituality.....not sure I am phrasing that right. I think there is a belief...a knowing always with a person. But I feel because of stresses...well I feel different but also some similarites to when I was on medication for depression 7 years ago. Where I almost feel numb to what is good for me. I have been really wanting and feeling I should get more in touch with my spiritual side. I want to do work with my chakras and such and do at times. But I don't put the full energy I need to put into it to make it last and feel good. I don't think I am making any sense today. Reason I am thinking about that right now is Aydeen and I have been talking about energy, healing, spiritual things....and so that made me think about the Chakra meditation I like to do and how I don't feel it like I know I should. And I know I don't put my full energy into it and let go of things enough to let myself really FEEL. I don't like feeling right now more then what I do. I put everyone at arms length right now....and not being as true to myself as I should be.

My visit here has started differently that I guess I thought it would. Probably won't write a lot about it....but I was a little shocked. Not that it is a bad thing but I guess I just moved us all to the "friends" category after being here the last time. So....when....more has happened. I was surprised. I think I am still processing some of it. We had fun. It helped me relax LOL I am just not sure how far I can take it.....sexually would be easier then D/s elements for me. Also I did not discuss anything with Nick and even though I don't have "rules," I do discuss things with him first usually, just as a courtesy....because he is the one I pretty much devote myself too. Ugghh as I type that I thought of Monseigneur E. It has always been first thoughts of Nick when I wake in the morning and last thoughts in they day but since pulling away and since admitting some feelings I have for Monseigneur E and Linda my thoughts are mixed during the day now of Nick and them. I always thought of Nick first when I was going to do something...thought of "asking him permission" - even though it is not a requirement....I did it. I stopped doing that a while back I want to say about a month ago. Last night I did not think of that while with Sir Laz and Aydeen - asking - but today I did. But mostly because I know how Nick views them from the things I told him and I don't want him to be shocked...like I was :) I did not ask Nick's permission to go to Monseigneur E's and Linda's and I know that had to have stood out to Nick. And I won't ask permission. Because it is something he can't decided for me. It is my choice. Not that Nick really ever decides. He tells me everytime I have ever asked for anything to do what I need to do - to take care of myself. I know his preference though. I can tell by how he words things. I am babbling....

Aydeen made me a yummmyyyyyy omelette this morning.....red peppers, cheddar cheese and ham! I also had a Sonic Cherry Limeade something I miss from my Kansas days :) I had one of those last night.

I better go get on with my day and see what we are doing here...:)

Tennessee

Music: When the Stars go Blue ~ U2 and the Corrs (just loving this song right now...playing it over and over again)

I am up but not awake! I just took a shower to get ready to leave for Tennessee. I think I have everything…but who knows LOL Yesterday was Fem Sub - I went to that, as I was the facilitator for this meeting. But really it ended up being a *VERY* small group…so we just chatted. Which was fine with us. And then after that I went to a play party. : ) And got to play...something I was not expecting at all. I played with Michael…Moni’s Michael. I am pmsing and had lots of emotional stress this week so Michael started and then hit me with this very intense toy. I just could not push into my painslut or even masochistic space. I flexed my hands and Michael noticed and came up and touched me…I took a few breathes and then told him…that I was having troubles getting to my space and why. He then tried a different approach. Which worked.

An approach I did not expect.

I might write more about it tomorrow…or maybe not. : )

Moni afterwards said that I was near tears and that she wanted me to cry. I was like “thanks,” but after I got in my car and was driving home…I knew what she meant. Tears would have been good for me.

On my way home…Nick called but I had stopped to get a diet coke and missed him. And then as I was pulling off the exit to my home…Michael called. I did not expect him to call again…from how things went the other night. I am keeping everyone at arms length because it is just too hard right now to let emotions go anywhere…else. I am sure he felt I was distant. I was happy to hear from him but right now…I am just in such a weird place.

I was just noticed that someone was reading the June archives…June of last year. So, I went to read and see what they were reading. Strange how it was the week that Todd and I broke up. Or maybe it is not strange.

I was just reading something I wrote about Illusions and now wondering who was the illusion Todd or Di…both. Oh well…life has certainly gone on…and for the better. My life has been really good this past year. …LOL I am being serious! Overall, my life has had bumps but learned a lot…have had some really good times…and am going forward…

I am…laughing often, living passionately, loving deeply…well loving…and am loved.