an illusion

Today I feel very calm...and good.

Since Tuesday...life just feels so different. And I still go through moments of going how did this happen? And also where did I go? Because even now walls are slipping out of place. I wonder if they will go in place again when I get there. Because right now it is seeming way to easy. I did have a moment of wanting to fight last night but....I kept quiet and then did as I was told. Even though it took me forever to get started. And since I am not saying more about what I did that is all that will be discussed on that topic *smiles*

Before I signed offline last night Nick messaged. It was a nice and interesting conversation. He knows me well...emotionally and likes and dislikes. It was a little uncomfortable..for me but not sure about how he felt about it. I feel odd writing about things and knowing he might read them. I have been smiling all week....even though....I care for Nick....those needs in me that I have been pushing I aside...have pushed up front now. And I feel the need to explore the dream I have had for years.

I had my first bouts (sp?) of doubt last night. I was reading something in an journal entry about Todd and I wondered if Monseigneur E was an illusion. But I know very well he is not. One big proof of that is Linda :) So, just old past issues creeping up and nothing really to do with Monseigneur E.

When I thought of fighting last night, I believe I was feeling that way because....it was shortly after my doubts....and I felt the need to fight to test the trust. To see if I could trust him. Which...I have known him a long time and know I can trust him...completely. I knew that before I felt this strong of pull towards him. Before....I moved into my new house and out of the condo on denial :)

I feel like that prickle of energy is rising in me. Not sure what it is....yet.