Faith

I cried Friday night....as I got in trouble. I did not expect to cry already. I did not expect to cry from here. But maybe it is safe for me to cry right now here....rather then in front of Monseigneur E.

He told me tonight when chatting with him...that I should look at it from a different perspective. Instead of looking at it as a bad thing - crying...take comfort and security in the fact that he is getting in my head quickly and will be able to protect me...know what I want and need....to not hurt me emotionally or pyschologically.

How he says things to me...make sense. They are clear rational thoughts. And it is one thing I need because I am so emotional...I need that counter balance with someone that is not as emotional. I, of course, want someone with feelings....and I know he has feelings.

I felt tense tonight (Saturday night) when we first started talking.....because of Friday nights convo. And he told me to relax...it took a little time but finally I did. I am going through doubts of not being able to do it still...and I know....he has told me several times in various ways...that I am the only one that has doubts. He does not have doubts? Where does he get that faith in me? It is scary to think that someone has faith in me even....isn't that sad? I know many people do but...I just don't feel it because I don't have faith in me.

I am trying....

I really don't want to close this door. I am working hard on keeping it open and hopefully it will not have to be something I think about someday...it will just be open to him.