Gift of Submission - NOT

Monseigneur E did an essay on Gift of Submission. It was a good essay. I am going to ask him if I can put it on my website so that people can read it. Anyway, I did get his permission to post it to some local groups lists.....and there have been a variety of responses. Most of the submissives that have responded though have totally got what he said and appreciated it.

So here are my thoughts on the Gift of Submission.....

Submission is not a gift to me.....I know surprise surprise *smiles*

I don't give my submission as a gift. I submit because I am submissive. I don't do my art because it is a gift. I do it because I am an artist. I don't do graphic art because it is a gift. I do it because I am a graphic artist. I have those things in me and so not acting on those things would not be true to myself.

Furthermore, I would never call my submission a gift because at times it is not a beautiful thing...that is often portrayed when people talk about the Gift of Submission. Just like when being an artist it is a struggle at times. Or when I am hired as a graphic artist I don't always like what I have to do for a client. I don't think being puppy dog trained was a gift. It was hard and a struggle. And even though I did it and in the end I am glad I experienced it. It was not a gift I gave my Dominant. It was submitting...it was not a beautiful, cherished thing. It was my duty as well as something I do because I am submissive and have the need to submit.

If I gave the "gift" of submission that would mean I could take it back to me....when it was not fun or when it not beautiful and cherished like precious treasure. It implies to me I have the power. And I am submissive....I don't want the power. Even if I am a control freak :)

I am compelled to submit through trust, respect and compatibility. It is a power exchange. It is both people getting needs taken care of through a power exchange. Submission is a need for me not a gift I give....it is a need I get taken care of through a power exchange.

The End :)

Yesterday was hard and part of me.....let myself down. My eyes are so swollen and I am getting so anixous and scared of what will happen....even though I hear little part of me deep inside saying you can do it....and others around me encouraging me. I am still very scared. Not sure where things stand yet. But I know what come of it eventually.

I just changed my who's who page yet again. I changed it so that I put the person's name and then the first quality/feeling/thought I think of when I think of that person. And it was hard to just go with the first thing, but I did it.

I am stressing about simple things now because of the other stresses in my life. It is strange how that works. Just snowballs I guess..one thing gets out of hand and then the rest are affected by it. I need to call Nick today or for sure tomorrow before I leave for Sir Laz's and Aydeen's. I know he will be thrilled I am going. I will have email access while there and probably time to update my journal. So I won't be out of touch totally. Aydeen has lots planned for us....including Godiva Chocolates! LOL There is a story with those.....but lets just say I REALLY enjoyed the Godiva Chocolates we bought the last time I was there. *blushing*

Last night, Michael called me. And I was happy to hear from him but I don't think he understood exactly how big last night was and why I was so out of it and drained. He wanted the fun, sensual danae...and I was just emotionally drained.

I was thinking back about past July's because the 9th was an anniversary and I remembered my first July here....it was a hard one. And some issues of then...are probably what brought up the anxiety last night that came up. I just wish I would have thought of it before my conversation last night...so that maybe I could have contained it. Beating up on myself pretty hard today.....:(

I did not sleep last night so going to bed now...so that I don't look like I do right now for Carpe Diem's informal tonight. I look forward to being with friends!