Need

My skin is prickly. I need it. I need to be feel the humiliation and fear. I love the fear. It turns me on. I was thinking of the fear....thinking of how it makes me feel and wondered if eventually I wouldn't fear fear. That it would just acceptance it is my place. Or will I become more scared.

Will the fear strip the layers of what society expects me? Then maybe I will be nothing. I want to be nothing...to feel like I am nothing. To feel worthless. Why? I am not sure. I guess I feel if I am broken down to that state I will really be free. Free of all those layers and daily masks I put on.

I often wonder if it goes back my childhood. Maybe some of it does. But even if it does, so what. I feel it and I feel I need it. And that to me is what is important.